Original subtitles

You know what's so great about a country club coat room?

Big, fluffy coats.

And you get to hang up your pants, which you like.

I can't believe how that teensy manhunt went on about her son becoming a judge.

For heaven's sakes, it's traffic court.

That doesn't look like the coat check girl's here.

Edward, are you listening to me?

Oh, yes, the ballet was rude, the duck was cold, and damn that teensy man.

There you are, Kitty. Oh, teensy, darling.

Did I congratulate you on your son's appointment? Oh, thank you. I'll extend

your best wishes to his honor.

And congratulations to you, Women's Club Humanitarian of the Year.

Oh, not until Saturday.

Anyone here?

I'm glad I caught you. I have the most wonderful...

Monday, we're having the groundbreaking ceremony for the little Greek theater

I'm building for our drama guild.

Oh, well.

Bravo.

Monday, is it? Yes, I hope you can count. My son is going to preside. Oh,

he should keep them from speeding through the ceremony.

Kitty, good one.

Ta -ta.

Break your leg.

She's only holding that groundbreaking ceremony on Monday to steal the thunder

from my event on Saturday.

Edward, get the coats, find the children. I want to leave now.

I'll have to get them myself.

Edward, watch your speed.

The last thing I need is for you to be hauled up in front of the Honorable

Skippy Manhart.

You know, Kitty, it could just be a coincidence that Teensy is having her

the same week as your dealie.

How do you know about her dealie?

We talk. People talk.

Greg and I were in the coat room having sex.

That could have been where we heard it.

This is our country club. Have you two no sense of decorum? Greg kept his tie

on.

In any event, I have no intention of attending Teensy's ceremony.

Kitty, you really should go. It's a nice thing. She's building a theater.

Oh, yeah, so self -indulgent rich women can put on bad productions of Madea.

They should do Pippin.

I've never seen a bad production of Pippin.

Kitty, be the bigger person here, huh?

Oh, I don't know.

It's way out of town. It's a terrible drive.

And Edward will make some excuse to get out of it. No, of course I wouldn't. I'd

love to go. I mean, if it was any other day but Monday. You did say Monday,

right?

All right, fine. Greg and I will go with you, won't we, honey? Sure, absolutely.

Wait, this Monday?

All right, fine. I'll go with you.

It could be one of our mother and daughter -in -law outing.

We don't have, though.

We do have.

And the next Tuesday night, you'll go with me to interpretive dance night at

Gay and Lesbian Senior Center.

That would be nice.

Good. Great.

Oh, wait. Oh, I'm sorry, dear. Did you say Tuesday?

Okay, I did not see that one coming.

And while granted all the world's a stage, this... little corner of it will

feature comfortable outdoor seating for $375.

And so I say, good luck to thee, and may I abide in this land,

if I may quote from and simultaneously audition for Medea.

What did I tell you?

Hang on, Kitty. She's building her theater here?

Yes, I know. It's 15 miles from the nearest decent restaurant.

Kitty, this is Bishop's Meadow. When I was a little girl, we fought to protect

this place.

From what? It's a swamp.

It is a wetland. It's a very specific and irreplaceable ecosystem.

Oh, yeah.

Probably one of the few places in America that still has muck.

I'm recognizing my passion for the stage.

She cannot build her theater here.

Dama, please promise me you won't do anything to embarrass me. Kitty, relax.

And in the presence of this company and his honor, Judge Porter Manhart III,

I hereby break ground.

No!

Thank you for your discretion,

dear.

And if you see bulldozers, lie down.

We're so proud of you, Pumpkin, for putting a stop to this.

Doesn't it feel good to be out there again protesting as a family?

Oh, it's the best.

Hey. Hey, honey, this is a surprise.

Well, it's in the neighborhood.

Why? Well, I heard that my wife went crazy and threw herself in the path of a

rich lady with a shovel.

That is their story. What's your story?

Same one, but without the word crazy.

Now, for what it's worth, Dharma, I support you.

And if it'll help, I'll chain myself to her.

She's gay.

I'm not prejudiced.

Honey, I know that these issues are very important to you, and I support you,

but you've really upset Mrs.

Manhart, and she's taking it out on my mother, and there's talk of boycotting

mother's humanitarian of the year dinner, and if that happens, our lives

know them will be over.

Wait, so you're saying that it's okay for me to protest?

The destruction of the environment as long as it doesn't upset your mother?

Oh, I thought I'd dress it up a little so you didn't notice. But yeah, that's

the nuts and bolts of it.

Honey, I am not going to give this up. Okay, how about this? How about we make

deal that each of us gets one shot during our marriage to veto something

the other person is doing?

No! Okay, that's yours. Mine is stopped it.

I was just saying, we both love the environment. We both love women.

My parents didn't have that much in common.

I was just going to take a shower to get clean, so come on, Greg, and clean me

up.

Drama!

I brought Mrs. Manhart by in the hopes that we can resolve the disagreement

about the location of her proposed theater.

Oh, great! Did you find a new location?

I don't need to find a new location. I own that land you're squatting on.

Teensy, teensy. Drama, Mrs. Manhart is a very generous donor to several

environmental organizations, such as the, um...

Well, the list is just too long.

Anyway, she is willing to make a sizable contribution to the cause of your

choice if you will simply pack up your tents and perhaps find yourself a nice

oil spill or something.

I'm prepared to write you a check for $30 ,000.

Is she trying to bribe me?

Mm -hmm.

Is it working?

No.

And frankly, Mrs. Manhart, I'm insulted.

Dharma, you should be flattered. That's more than a senator goes for.

Kitty, this has been a very pleasant waste of time. I'm sorry. I thought she

would be reasonable.

Based on what, Mother?

Whoa.

Don't mind us. We're just here for a strategy session.

Dharma, you leave me no choice but to have you and your friends arrested.

Mrs. Manhart, are you sure you want to do this? What do you mean? Because I'm

sensing you've just played into the Riddler's scheme.

If they think they can generate publicity with this, they're sadly

Nobody cares about a handful of rabble -rousers. Yeah?

Well, we're not just a handful of rabble -rousers.

Sorry, I was just plugging in the car.

Everybody, this is actor -slash -environmentalist Ed Begley Jr.

Ed Begley, Jr.

This is our enemy.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

I enjoyed you on St.

Elsewhere. Oh, thanks.

We had a lot of fun doing that.

Hey, guess what? T .T.'s going to have us arrested.

Fantastic.

If you think you can get that going quickly, we can make the 11 o 'clock

Okay, well, I think that's the ballgame.

Kitty, you said we could win this.

How on earth is one to anticipate Ed Bailey, Jr.? Ed, I can't thank you

We've never had anybody back down this fast.

It's the celebrity factor. It's not fair, but it works.

So, uh, what are your plans?

I'll charge a car, head back home, and take it easy. I cleared a week for this

thing. Whoa, whoa, wait. Hold on.

There's a lot more stuff going on up here that we could really use you for.

All right.

Let's go back to your place, sort some recyclables, and make a plan.

What are you doing? We don't have anything else to protest.

We'll find something.

That's Ed Begley Jr.

He's rechargeable lightning in a bottle.

It's not that I want to gloat or anything, but what did Mrs. Van Hart

She agreed to find a conservancy group to buy the land from her.

Oh, wow, that's great.

It's kind of hard to gloat when she's being so nice.

Well, she also said she hopes the circus train derailed nearby and a lion eats

every last bit of wildlife in the area.

Look at me, Greg. I'm gloating.

So I see.

You know what? She'll get over this. All she lost was the theater. The animals

are happy. The environment is happy.

Ed Begley Jr.

is happy.

And you know what? Deep down, I bet your mom is thrilled that Team T doesn't

have a theater with her name on it. Oh, yeah.

I mean, if you think about it, this whole thing couldn't have worked out

for Kitty if she had planned it.

I suppose, but she didn't. Hang on. No.

Let's just go over the facts here. Oh, let's not.

No.

She knew that if she brought me out here, I would wreck Teensy's thing.

why she got me here in the first place. I don't know. Then she brings Teensy

over to bribe me, which made her look all innocent in Teensy's eyes, but she

knew that was just going to climb up my butt and sing rock on.

I don't think she knew that.

Would you just admit that your mother is sneaky and conniving enough to have

done something like this?

Of course, but that doesn't prove anything.

She used me.

Starma, please, don't confront my mother. No, I'm sorry, Greg. There's a

man at my butt saying, rock on, and your mother didn't hear it.

I just never thought that you would stoop so low, Kitty. Well, I'm not going

be a pawn in your game. I'm not going to be a puppet on your string, and I'm not

going to...

beast of burden.

Oh, Dharma, what brings you here?

Edward, your daughter -in -law is accusing me of engineering a absolutely

Machiavellian conspiracy.

All right, I'm going to go make myself a sandwich.

Don't try to deny it, Kitty. I got you on this one. You must think I am just a

horrible monster.

Well, yes.

And devious.

Very devious.

Well, all right, all right.

I thank you for your insights, and if you will forgive me, I have some things

take care of.

Wait, wait, wait. That's it?

Aren't you supposed to deny it, and then I go over the evidence again, and I

say, ah, and then you say, drat, and I say, well played, and you say, good

and then we go have tea or play cricket or something?

Look, I know that we started our relationship at a great distance from

other, but I have truly...

I had truly come to believe that we were becoming friends. Apparently, I was

very much mistaken. No, no, we are friends, Kitty. We're just the kind of

friends where one of them used one of them. All right.

You know, you could be a very hurtful young lady. Uh

-huh.

I'll be right back.

Larry, why did you send Ed Begley Jr. out for directions? We know where we're

going. Abby, we got a problem.

You know that pesticide plant we're gonna go picket? Yeah.

I may have made that up.

Why? Hey, I called around all morning trying to find something to protest, but

it's San Francisco.

They pretty much protested out.

Then, Larry, why didn't you just tell him the truth and let him go home?

Abby, you don't just let Ed Begley Jr.

go home.

Why not? Because that's a waste of Ed Begley Jr.

Guess what?

Turns out the freeway's just one block up ahead.

Oh, yeah, sure. The green sign.

All right.

Go shut down a pesticide plant.

Or something else just as bad.

Hi. Hi, honey.

Are we, uh, running for student council?

I'm doing this for your mom's humanitarian of the year thingy tonight

like me again.

Dharma, I know my mother. I'm sure she's not really that upset. Oh, Greg, I was

there. I made her cry.

Tears?

Yeah, how'd that go over?

If you look out the window, you might still be able to see them.

So what's the banner all about?

Okay. See how Kitty always says they have these humanitarian dinners every

but nobody ever remembers them?

Well, they're going to remember this one.

Dharma? Yeah? What did you do?

The mayor is coming.

Mr. Willie Brown, the mayor of San Francisco, is coming.

Pesticide page and two other Willie Browns that I called before I had the

number.

Honey, you made a mistake. You said something to Mother that upset her.

get over it. You don't have to do this. Yes, I do, honey. I hurt her. And Willie

Brown and a banner are going to fix it? Three Willie Browns and a banner, Greg.

How far is it to this pesticide plant?

Just a ways ahead.

We'll probably see a line of picketers any minute.

You know, we can't just keep driving him around.

At some point, this will become a kidnapping.

Bingo. Picketers right over there. Where?

Over there?

That looks like a bunch of high school kids having a car wash.

Yeah, okay. I can see how you could go there.

Look, I know what's going on.

You don't have anything to protest.

And you've been driving me around for a couple of hours like some prisoner,

hoping that something's going to fall into your lap.

We're sorry, Ed Begley Jr.

It's okay. It happens.

Let's go back and see if those punks are using biodegradable soap.

There are half a dozen photographers and 200 people out there. How did you do

this? Well, your mom's very popular.

And everyone loves a chance to win a big screen TV.

I know I do.

Good, because you're the winner, Mr.

Wilkins.

All right, we've just got to fix this thing, and then we're good to go, and

mom's going to love me again.

Yeah, just like the good old days.

Just letting me in.

Teensy, you stick with me. I'm going to seat you right next to the mayor.

This certainly is the star -studded evening.

Well, I'm sure you'd have the same sort of turnout should you ever be similarly

honored.

That is great news, Pumpkin.

Isn't it?

So, you're all invited Wednesday to the opening ceremony of the Kitty Montgomery

Wetland Preserve. So I'll see you there.

Derm, uh, Kitty is donating the land.

All right, look, I ticked Kitty off good, and I tried to make it better, but

instead I turned her into the laughingstock of Snooty Town, and now

Edward's life miserable, too. So, we get Edward to put up the money, name the

preserve after Kitty, and... Everyone thinks she's this great

She's blown away. Oh, Dharma. Oh, Kitty. And bing, bing, boom, bop, doo, wop,

zah. Okay?

Dharma, we're not going to let this wildlife preserve be bought with dirty

corporate money. Honey, and on a human level, we can't participate in your

attempt to purchase Kitty's love.

Hang on.

Can I say something here?

I agree that Dharma's attempt to fix things with her mother -in -law this way

pathetic and desperate.

But do the squirrels care?

Does the birds care?

Does the salamander turn to his mate and say, I feel guilty being alive because

Dharma Montgomery bought my safety with her weak and misguided act?

I don't think so. Do you?

You're right, Ed Begley, Jr.

All right, Dharma, we'll be there Wednesday.

Oh, Ed, will you be around Wednesday? Wednesday, absolutely.

Wait, this Wednesday?

It is my great honor to present to the world the culmination of a project that

have long supported.

The Kitty Montgomery Wetlands Preserve.

Well, you did it. She looks pretty happy. Yep. And she's got her name on

Teensy's swamp.

Worked out perfectly for her.

She got me again, didn't she? No. Oh, she got me again. No, she didn't. But

said this worked out perfectly for her. No, I didn't. I sneezed.

Oh, I would also like to add that none of this would have been possible without

someone who sees me as I truly am.

My daughter -in -law, Dharma.

Please.

Dharma, let it... Let it go. Let's move on.

Are you comforting me or holding me back? A little of both.

Suffice it to say, this is not about me.

This is about the little creatures and

things that live here.

Good luck to you all.

Glad I...

Help.