Original subtitles

I don't know. Why doesn't the iron get hot?

Wait, don't tell me.

Is it something like because it was pressed for time but dirtier?

It's not even that old.

It still works.

You just have to heat it up on the stove.

I think it came with a five -year warranty.

What are you doing? I'm getting the warranty and the sales receipt for the

Okay, can you just hang on a sec? Because I've got to call some people to

this.

What is this?

It's a perfect fall leaf.

Karma, this is a filing cabinet.

And it was filed under L.

Was it or was it not under T?

Plus, it's my shirt. No, it's not. It's my shirt. I got it at the Bonnie Raitt

concert at Cow Palace in 97. She opened with Nick of Time, and then she did Have

a Heart, and then some snotty woman spilled red wine on me. See?

Hold on.

same concert like six months before we met.

Yeah, we're soulmates, honey. I'm sure the universe tried to put us together

like a hundred times before.

Probably ate in the same restaurants, shopped at the same stores. Or we were

both at a Bonnie Raitt concert with 20 ,000 other people.

But how do you explain the fact that six months after we were at the same

concert, we met on the Muni train?

Well, I would say that six months after we were at the same concert, we met on

the Muni train.

I mean, you can't explain it, can you?

Good, huh?

Yeah, it's a little laugh.

But good.

You're so much better.

Greg, those aren't the people who are sitting in those seats.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay. We paid good money for these seats, and they didn't. Look

them. They clearly look like loge.

Barbara, it's fine.

Well, how am I supposed to see around here, Greg? She's a tree.

Well, honey, shush.

Yeah, it's just too bad that she had to have her music recorded and packaged and

sold everywhere.

That kind of success has to be disappointing for her.

So I guess me buying this T -shirt just adds to her pain.

With a non -political framework, you look hot in that.

Oh, you have no idea how non -politically hot I am.

Hey, I got us a little souvenir to remember that I... Oh, that is so sweet,

honey, but...

You know I don't really wear T -shirts with logos.

Yeah, well, you might want to look at this one because it's kind of special.

Okay.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh!

It's wonderful.

So, is that a yes? Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

You were so surprised.

Yeah. You know, I was going to do something more conventional, like, you

Dave Finney did for Karen Hollister, the French restaurant, and, you know, the

ring in the glass of champagne, but I thought, you know, this is Barbara, and

Barbara, you know, would want me to shake things up a little. Oh, Dave put

Karen's ring in a glass of champagne?

Oh, that's so romantic.

But this, this is nice, too.

I, I can make a reservation at Chez Monique.

Maybe Friday?

Let me surprise you.

That is why the San Francisco Board of Supervisors will never understand the

effect of 401 Rezone on the Thoman neighborhood.

That is our lead story.

You are so hot when you expose municipal -level corruption.

Hey, guys, what's shaking?

Hey, Joe!

Want to go to my place?

What's wrong with here?

Good news.

As soon as the tank fills up, we can flush again.

It's just that, you know, we're going to my parents' house in the morning and my

house is closer.

Listen, I am totally cool with going to your folks.

I just want to make sure that it's not a boyfriend brunch with the parents

thing. I just want to be able to walk in there and say, Abby, Larry, it's me,

Gunther. I'm doing your daughter and that's where it ends.

Well, you might want to start with, hey, how are you? But I'm sure they'd be

cool with that.

Cool.

Are you worried about something?

Yeah, uh, we have a beautiful thing here, and I'm afraid

if we're not careful, we could screw it up. It starts with brunch, and then

suddenly you're married, and it's, hi, honey, I'm home. Let's drive the sob to

the country club.

Well, sir, I will never live like that.

Marriage doesn't have to be that way.

Wow.

Where's that coming from?

Where's what coming from?

We agreed.

Marriage is the state co -opting love.

I want to keep talking.

You're the one who made it about our relationship.

Hang on.

Now we're in a relationship.

Would you prefer ad hoc sociopolitical alliance?

Frankly, yes.

Well, too bad for you because relationship came with sex.

I can't deal with this. I'm going to the park to play chess with the junkie.

Are you having dinner here?

No. Will you cook me something before you go?

And he put the ring in a glass of champagne. Oh, Gregory, how romantic.

You try to make these things special.

Be careful where you set the bar. It's a long haul.

Well, there's so much to talk about. I guess we should start with colors. Oh,

Martha Stewart says that silver and gold are the new black and white.

Hank, wear my old football uniform.

Well, I'm not sure I care for silver and gold, but then, of course, it's not up

to me.

We'll come back to that.

Now, have we decided on a ballroom for the reception? We can always tent the

backyard. We could certainly get 400 in there.

Intimate can be nice. I hear intimate is the new big.

Barbara, darling, please don't encourage him.

I think the backyard would be just lovely. Now, I think for our rehearsal

that we won't go quite so rustic.

We should probably focus on the wedding itself. Oh, yes, Mother has lots of

ideas for the menu.

You know what would be great?

One of those pasta bars where they have all the sauces and the guys mix it up

right there for you.

You keep yapping, son, I'm not going to be able to help you.

These candles are only two for a dollar. They don't have wicks.

They'll last forever.

But, Dharma, have you talked to Gunther? How's he doing?

Yeah, he decided our fight was a microcosmic expression of the fall of

Soviet Union and a realignment of the geopolitical system.

He's hurting.

Boy, I hope you guys work it out. He's such a great guy.

He lives outside the system.

He has no material possessions.

He refuses to get a job.

Guys like that don't come along every day.

There it is. Oh.

Oh.

No.

That's what I thought. Let's go.

Oh, hold on.

We got up at 7, we drove 45 minutes, we parked, we walked a quarter of a mile so

you could show my mother an antique wedding dress that you knew you didn't

Well, honey, I didn't know for sure.

All right, well, what did your mother say when you showed it to her yesterday?

Oh, she didn't care for it.

Besides, if you're going to be in tails, then there's no way it'll be formal

enough. I'm wearing tails?

Well, you'd look pretty silly in just the top hat.

I'm wearing a top hat.

No, man, it just feels that way.

You'll be all right in a couple of hours.

Barbara, look at these darling little potpourri sessions. This would be lovely

in with the bridesmaids' gifts.

Don't you think? Oh, they're darling.

Oh, are you two getting married? Bless you, sweet sapphic sisters.

We're not getting married.

Oh. Oh, no, of course not, because the law doesn't recognize your love. But you

can still have this little ceremony you're planning.

I don't think we want anything from this woman.

I know who wears the pants in that relationship.

Dharma, look.

I was thinking.

Maybe I arbitrarily restricted the parameters of our dialogue.

No, that was me. I always do that.

I still don't believe in marriage, but I'm not categorically opposed to the

principle of commitment.

Really? And if you operate under the hypothesis that the concept can exist

outside of societal conventions, then I love you.

I thought we could wear these, and then when people saw us together, they'd see

them and say, hey, those two people hang.

I don't really want to wear a top hat and tails.

Greg, I'm sorry.

You're probably feeling a little left out.

Yeah, a little.

I've been planning my wedding since I was five years old. And with the

of having my little pony be my maid of honor, I'd like to stick with that plan.

You've been planning your wedding since you were five years old?

The only thing that was missing was my prince in his top hat and tail.

Okay. What do you know?

The universe knows what it's doing.

They're wax doorstops.

Barbara's a wonderful girl, and if I have to wear a top hat and not eat pasta

marry her, it's a reasonable trade -off.

Why can't you eat pasta if you're wearing a top hat?

It's two different things, Dad.

All right, now the next possible bachelor party site, a little strip club

Filthy McRaunchies.

It's a chain.

but that hasn't hurt the quality.

She's smart, she's beautiful, we're perfect for each other. You know, of

we have some issues, but what couple doesn't have issues? And I'm not going

find anybody with whom I don't have issues.

Listen, son, you're overthinking this thing. You're going to spend eight hours

day at the office, a couple of rounds of golf a week, an evening with the guys.

At night, you'll eventually be in separate bedrooms.

So the time you spend with your wife ends up to be two, maybe three hours a

tops.

Hey, relax, buddy.

It's a big step. Everybody gets cold feet. It's perfectly natural.

Unlike these.

Yikes.

She probably got a deal on these being a nurse.

Hey, guys.

How's the newspaper coming?

Three more inches to fill and we are done.

How about this?

I put together a jumble where you can't make any words. It represents the

futility of modern life.

Everybody loves the jumble.

There you go. Issue number two.

You give us eight weeks, we'll give you the news.

Let's celebrate. I got just the thing. I've been saving it for today.

Half a bottle of somebody's champagne.

Nice.

You know what?

I think an occasion like this calls for glasses.

Let's have a real celebration.

We've been working really hard and we've barely seen each other.

I think we should get away.

That is a great idea.

You know how we talked about participating in an Indian sweat lodge

Right. Well, there's one in two weeks.

We can get a babysitter for Toad and then we're good to go.

Okay.

I know you didn't mean to do this, but do you see what you're doing, Dharma?

You are asking the us now who do love each other to bind the us two weeks

from now, who we don't know, to this trip.

Now, is that fair for us to do to them?

Okay, the me now is getting a headache, so I'm going to take a little break from

the us now.

Dharma.

That is not bad.

And that is not champagne.

I'm sure my fiancée will be here any minute.

You know, we're not usually open on Monday.

And we appreciate that.

I spend Mondays with Mother.

I'm sure she appreciates that.

Is there any chance you can choose a wedding cake without your fiancé?

I don't know. Did hell freeze over?

I'm sorry, I'm late.

Okay. Hello. Hi.

Great news.

I got the job in D .C.

Really? Wow, that's terrific.

Terrific is splendid.

Let's taste cake.

Okay.

First one is a lemon chiffon.

They want me to start right away, so of course we'll have to...

Rent an apartment until we find something permanent.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I can't just leave my job.

Actually, I spoke with Mr. Claiborne, and he said they would be completely

with you transferring to Washington.

Oh, Craig, everything is just falling into place. It's like, um... Oh, what's

called?

Karma. Yes.

Now, let's try the marble with the strawberry filling. Ooh.

I don't believe in karma, and technically it would be kismet.

What are you doing talking to my boss?

Oh, well, I was just moving things along. I thought you'd be happy.

Can you give us a minute?

Absolutely.

I'll just call and have them wheel Mother out of the solarium and back into

room.

Okay, Greg, what's going on? You've been fighting me on everything.

No, no, Barbara, the problem is I haven't been fighting you on anything.

I can't read your mind, Greg. If something is bothering you, you have to

me. What is it?

Well, everything.

Are you saying you don't want to marry me?

Father, listen.

Oh, my God.

We're just very different people.

I'm an Episcopalian. You're a Presbyterian.

You like the Bahamas. I like Bermuda. You like shaker furniture. I like

How's it ever going to work?

I will be in Washington.

If you come to your senses, call me.

Mother sends best wishes to the happy couple. How are we doing here?

William, listen.

Oh, my God.

And now we cleanse ourselves of negative worldly energy and send it

away from the lodge.

which represent the warm heat of the womb.

I thought you were coming.

I am so sorry.

You were right. You were right about everything.

You were right that I used my politics as an excuse to avoid intimacy.

I love you.

Will you marry me?

What? He wants to marry you.

Shh.

Oh, well, Cooper.

No.

I thought... I thought that's what this was all about. I mean, you wanted

commitment. You wanted somebody that would be there for you.

Somebody you could build a family with. Let's do this.

Maybe that lady can marry you. I can't marry you.

There's someone else.

There's someone else.

There's gotta be.

Hey, you all set for tonight?

For what?

Your bachelor party.

Pete, we canceled the wedding three months ago.

Yeah, but you can't cancel the bachelor party. Your dad will be crushed.

He's had his outfit picked out for months.

Yeah, Gunther got a new issue of his paper out.

Abby, come on. It's over. Give it up.

Besides, I prefer a newspaper that doesn't start every article with you're

going to believe the crap that's going down.

I made your babies right behind you. Pete, I don't want to check out babies,

I don't want to go to a strip club tonight.

Oh, Pete.

Here you go.

Thanks.

Hey, you know who's back in town?

Carob of Fine Gold.

You're the one who's always saying that the universe is going to put me together

with my soulmate in its own time. Oh, you're absolutely right.

Besides, Caribou's nose is always wet.

You don't want to have your bachelor party? It'll be my bachelor party, and

can be my best man.

Maybe you'll meet a nice naked girl. Pete, I'm fine. I'm dating.

You know, if something happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I don't want to

it. You know what, Abby?

When the right guy is near, I'll know it.

Are you honestly telling me that a little something like that wouldn't

too?

All right. I'm off to yoga.

A walk, yes? Actually, I'm running a little late. I'm taking Muni. Okay,

Love you, bye. Love you.

All right. You don't want to have a bachelor party. I can understand that.

What do you say we go now to a strip joint and have the businessman's lunch?

I'm going to go back to the office.

All I'm saying is this is San Francisco. You've got good hair.

People are starting to talk.

The universe put us together at the concert. Why didn't we meet then?

Well, obviously, we weren't ready. We were with other people.

So you're saying the universe didn't know that? Honey, my point is, it is a

and complicated universe, and you and I standing here are not going to figure

out why the things that happen happen.

That's your point? I would have gone with that.

uncomfortable and I'd really rather be playing golf.

Every time you come here, you bring a talker.