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Wow. Now that is my kind of wake -up
call.
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We aim to please.
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Hey, I have a question.
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Glad you held it till the end.
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Did all that just then have anything to
do with that cute waitress from last
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night?
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What?
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You know, the one who asked you if you
work out.
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I was wearing the black T -shirt.
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I mean, it's totally healthy to
fantasize from time to time. I know. I
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that.
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I mean, you've been Harrison Ford.
You've been David Bowie. One time you
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the brawny paper towel guy.
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We were in the kitchen.
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Okay, well, it wasn't the waitress.
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But it was somebody.
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I'm going to go make some coffee. Oh,
come on.
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Is she living or is she dead?
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Dead.
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Alive in the fantasy.
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00:01:04,239 --> 00:01:06,320
Come on, honey. Who is she?
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I'm going to find out.
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You're not going to get inside my head.
I get inside your pants and your head
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doesn't have that tricky button fly.
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All right, so it's the 10 -day ocean
dream cruise with a three -island
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itinerary. Ah. Ha!
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Tickety -do!
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It's Greg's birthday, and I get to go to
the Caribbean.
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Well,
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he has been working very hard, and you
are married to him.
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Now, we are going to be two adjoining
cabins with a common parlor.
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It's 1 o 'clock. You say you're going to
make her buy us a big fancy lunch.
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Hang on, Susan.
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00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,640
Two cabins? Yes.
35
00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:04,920
You did know Edward and I were coming
along.
36
00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:10,100
I was hoping. I just didn't want to jinx
it.
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Let me show you some brochures about day
trips to some of the out -of -the -way
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islands. Oh, good. I would like to avoid
the areas where children tug at you and
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00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,800
try to sell you things. It's very
awkward.
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00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:28,320
You look pretty happy for someone about
to go on a slow boat to hell.
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00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:35,360
I'm not going anywhere. As soon as I
tell Greg what happened, he's going to
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a stop to it, even if he has to drink
all the water in the world, like the
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Chinese brothers.
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You know, back home, that book is the
five American brothers.
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You know what?
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If we're going to kill off this cruise,
I should probably get Greg something
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really kick -ass for his birthday.
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If I knew what he wanted, what would
make your husband really happy?
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Her? Naked with a bow?
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00:03:00,490 --> 00:03:02,630
Maybe with a bacon cheeseburger between
her breasts.
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Sure.
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00:03:07,510 --> 00:03:08,550
Boy, am I hungry.
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Wait.
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If I can find out who Greg's fantasy
woman is, maybe I can get her to find an
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00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:17,570
autographed picture. Oh, man.
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00:03:18,130 --> 00:03:21,310
Dama, do you know what we need to do
right now? Take you out and buy you some
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proper cruise wet.
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00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,450
Um, actually, Susan's getting kind of
hungry.
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Oh, I'm fine.
60
00:03:27,420 --> 00:03:31,600
Come on, let's go get you a nice, smart
pantsuit with a big, shiny anchor on it.
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00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:36,160
I've got to figure out what to do here.
I've got to get out of going on this
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cruise with my parents. No kidding.
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00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:41,240
Norma thinks that I should tell them the
truth and try to establish a more
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honest relationship with them.
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I guess.
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00:03:44,980 --> 00:03:46,600
I'm thinking of going with an inner ear
problem.
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Yeah, that'll work.
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00:03:48,780 --> 00:03:52,320
Hey! All right, boys, big night. Pizza
and videos.
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You've got choices.
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00:03:55,740 --> 00:03:56,740
Julia Roberts.
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00:03:57,790 --> 00:04:02,070
Sharon Stone, or maybe America's girl
next door, Sandra Bullock.
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00:04:02,990 --> 00:04:04,150
Huh? Huh?
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00:04:04,430 --> 00:04:05,430
0 for 3.
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00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:08,350
Shoot. What game are we playing?
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00:04:08,570 --> 00:04:10,810
Trying to figure out who Greg thinks
about when he's having sex.
76
00:04:11,950 --> 00:04:14,550
You know, that probably depends, you
know, if he's trying to slow down or
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00:04:14,550 --> 00:04:15,550
up.
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00:04:15,730 --> 00:04:19,610
For me, it's Anna Kournikova on the gas
and Tommy Lasorda on the brake.
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00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,230
Hey, honey, while you're getting some
plates, you want to do a little reading,
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00:04:25,270 --> 00:04:26,870
maybe? A little L. Mc...
81
00:04:31,329 --> 00:04:37,070
Or the cool and yet detached beauty of
one Ms. Martha Stewart?
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00:04:39,790 --> 00:04:41,490
Martha Stewart's an attractive woman.
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00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:44,290
Aha!
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00:04:44,650 --> 00:04:47,790
So should I send her a little thank you
muffin basket?
85
00:04:48,670 --> 00:04:51,570
Why is it so important to you? It's
just...
86
00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:56,060
I believe that the more we know about
each other's fantasies and desires, the
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00:04:56,060 --> 00:04:57,440
better time we're going to have.
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00:04:58,020 --> 00:04:59,020
Having sex.
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00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:06,640
All right, honey, if you're really
uncomfortable telling me, that's totally
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00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,640
fine.
91
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,040
Okay.
92
00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:13,920
It's not just Valerna Sonnenberg.
93
00:05:18,380 --> 00:05:21,300
She's a famous concert violinist. She's
played with orchestras all over the
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00:05:21,300 --> 00:05:23,320
world. She won the Walter Nomburg
competition.
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00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:24,700
Oh, she sounds hot.
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00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,640
She's very sensual when she performs.
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00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:32,280
We kind of met once.
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00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,900
You met once?
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00:05:38,260 --> 00:05:40,140
Well... Did you two fiddle around?
100
00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:47,220
No, I... I was in New York. It was about
six or seven years ago, and, um...
101
00:05:47,610 --> 00:05:52,390
You know, I was in this little
restaurant, and Nadja was sitting at the
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I kind of caught her eye, and she gave
me one of these.
103
00:06:01,090 --> 00:06:02,090
Did it back.
104
00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:04,930
She did this?
105
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:08,910
No, it wasn't that. She was just more
like this.
106
00:06:10,790 --> 00:06:14,590
Anyway, when I left, she was leaving,
and it was raining, so we ended up
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a cab for like four blocks.
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Nothing. We talked.
109
00:06:21,230 --> 00:06:22,049
About what?
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00:06:22,050 --> 00:06:26,710
You know, the weather, classical music.
My theory that Yo -Yo Ma is to the cello
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00:06:26,710 --> 00:06:29,730
what Carl Sagan was to science. An
important popularizer, but not a
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groundbreaker.
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Sounds like you had a moment.
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We did.
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Wait a minute.
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Trying to guess Greg's fantasy girl.
117
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But Dharma, you're Greg's fantasy girl.
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You won't shut up about it at work.
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That ought to be good for about a half
day off, huh?
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00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:56,200
Delia, the leche is not very bueno, is
it?
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00:06:57,120 --> 00:07:00,080
I'm sorry, Mrs. Montgomery, I will bueno
it up for you.
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00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:05,280
What did she mean by that? I don't know.
I don't speak Spanish like you do,
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00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,320
Mother.
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00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:09,460
No, thank you. Listen, there was
something I wanted to talk to you about
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00:07:11,020 --> 00:07:12,280
Dharma told me about the cruise.
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00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,520
Oh. And I could make something up, but
the truth is... Yes?
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00:07:17,469 --> 00:07:20,570
I have developed an inner ear problem,
and it's going to give me vertigo on the
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00:07:20,570 --> 00:07:21,830
butt. Oh, dear.
129
00:07:22,310 --> 00:07:26,470
Oh, have you seen anybody about it? Yes,
I saw Dr. Cranston. Didn't he retire?
130
00:07:26,710 --> 00:07:31,230
Yes, but I saw him on the golf course.
Oh, and he examined your ear right there
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00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:32,230
on the golf course.
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00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:36,630
Well, there was a slow -force swim in
front of us, and he had a flashlight on
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his keychain, and I don't have an inner
ear problem. Mother, the truth is I
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00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:44,730
don't want to go on the cruise with you
and Dad.
135
00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:50,230
Oh. I know that's blunt, but frankly, I
wish we had the kind of family where we
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00:07:50,230 --> 00:07:53,290
could be honest instead of having to
tiptoe around people.
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Forgive me, but I'm not aware of anybody
who has to tiptoe around me.
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Come on, Mother. Do you really think
that Dad enjoyed sitting on a blanket in
139
00:08:01,930 --> 00:08:02,930
the park and watching Othello?
140
00:08:03,210 --> 00:08:05,530
He cried. It's because you ran out of
wine.
141
00:08:06,270 --> 00:08:10,570
What about Celia? What about her? Celia
spent 30 years in this country. Don't
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00:08:10,570 --> 00:08:13,030
you think she finds it a little
condescending that you speak to her in
143
00:08:13,030 --> 00:08:14,470
Spanish? Uh -oh.
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00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:20,150
I don't mean to upset you, Mother. Oh,
please, Gregory, why would I be upset?
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It's delightful to find out that one son
considers one to be a despotic monster.
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00:08:27,110 --> 00:08:31,850
And if you and Dharma ever have
children, I hope I will be permitted to
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them.
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00:08:34,510 --> 00:08:37,350
I think this is a real breakthrough for
the whole family.
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00:08:46,220 --> 00:08:48,180
Uh, good, fine, and hungover.
150
00:08:52,820 --> 00:08:53,820
What are you doing?
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00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:56,320
I got you your birthday present.
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00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:58,320
I didn't have time to wrap it.
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Actually, you do, because my birthday's
not until next week.
154
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:07,020
So this is something we'll enjoy
watching together?
155
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:09,160
Oh, yeah.
156
00:09:10,600 --> 00:09:13,140
I think this is really going to work for
you.
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00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:16,600
Oh, boy.
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00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,199
Hi, Greg.
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00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:20,200
It's me, Nadja.
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00:09:20,740 --> 00:09:22,620
Just wanted to say hello to my number
one fan.
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00:09:23,300 --> 00:09:26,640
And next time you're in New York City,
let's share another cab.
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00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,800
How did you get her to do that? Oh,
you're never going to believe it. I
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00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,900
her down to a concert hall in
Minneapolis.
164
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:04,380
I told her all about you and the
restaurant and the cab ride. Now you
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00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:05,380
about her when we have sex.
166
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,460
Oh, good. You covered everything.
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00:10:11,120 --> 00:10:12,700
Oh, she thought it was adorable.
168
00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:14,640
I don't know what to say.
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00:10:14,840 --> 00:10:15,840
You want to watch it again?
170
00:10:15,860 --> 00:10:20,220
Maybe later. I'm just going to go change
my clothes.
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00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,300
Did I get the wrong Nadja Salerno
Sonnenberg?
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00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:31,920
That's not exactly the reaction I was
hoping for.
173
00:10:32,180 --> 00:10:33,500
We didn't even have sex.
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00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:39,260
Totally putting off calling Nadja. She's
going to be really disappointed.
175
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:44,040
Well, actually, honey, I'm not surprised
Greg responded that way.
176
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:47,620
Abby, when it starts coming back out,
does that mean he's full?
177
00:10:48,660 --> 00:10:50,540
Well, he usually eats one whole jar.
178
00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:51,840
One. Okay.
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00:10:52,430 --> 00:10:53,430
All done.
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00:10:54,830 --> 00:10:59,430
Don, we have to understand that male
sexuality is a delicate, delicate thing.
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00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:01,450
It wins.
182
00:11:02,590 --> 00:11:07,110
And I'm afraid that by shining a light
on Greg's fantasy, you destroyed it.
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00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:08,750
Poor Greg.
184
00:11:09,850 --> 00:11:14,430
I kicked in the motel room door of his
libido with a search warrant and a cop.
185
00:11:16,590 --> 00:11:20,230
It's all right. I'm sure that he has
other women he thinks about during sex.
186
00:11:21,010 --> 00:11:24,670
I know you're trying to make me feel
better, but I can't kill on you.
187
00:11:26,630 --> 00:11:29,410
You're gonna have to find some way to
replace Craig's fantasy.
188
00:11:30,410 --> 00:11:34,030
You want your husband to think about me
while you're having sex.
189
00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:36,310
That's what we're hoping for.
190
00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:42,750
So then, you know, I tried to find
another violinist who would flirt with
191
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:45,210
but I gotta tell you, they're a pretty
prudish bunch.
192
00:11:46,610 --> 00:11:50,250
And then I thought, you know, maybe it
doesn't have to be a violinist at all.
193
00:11:50,290 --> 00:11:54,510
Maybe it was more about the restaurant
and the moment. Yeah, the... No, not
194
00:11:54,670 --> 00:11:55,690
because it's like that.
195
00:11:56,810 --> 00:11:57,810
So what do you say?
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00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,090
This is the creepiest thing I've ever
heard.
197
00:12:01,590 --> 00:12:02,590
Or loving.
198
00:12:03,650 --> 00:12:07,250
It's not like he's some weird raincoat,
black socks kind of guy. It's not like
199
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:08,250
he's going to stalk you.
200
00:12:08,530 --> 00:12:09,930
No, he's just going to think about me.
201
00:12:11,470 --> 00:12:12,830
You're not going to do this, are you?
202
00:12:13,070 --> 00:12:14,070
No.
203
00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:16,410
Okay.
204
00:12:18,670 --> 00:12:19,670
is hard.
205
00:12:22,550 --> 00:12:25,530
You know what? Listen, if you're really
not doing this because you think it's
206
00:12:25,530 --> 00:12:28,910
creepy, that's totally cool. But if
you're at all saying no because you're
207
00:12:28,910 --> 00:12:32,390
uncomfortable with how beautiful you
are, you should deal with that because
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00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:34,990
are a babe and you should be celebrating
your babishness.
209
00:12:37,530 --> 00:12:39,670
Hey, you know, I don't have a problem
with how I look.
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00:12:39,910 --> 00:12:41,990
Okay. I'm fine with how I look.
211
00:12:43,770 --> 00:12:45,070
It's other people, you know.
212
00:12:46,930 --> 00:12:48,070
They're the ones with the problem.
213
00:12:48,460 --> 00:12:53,020
They see this face and this body, and I
have a mind.
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00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:56,820
You let it out. You let it out.
215
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,980
Nobody thinks a beautiful woman can be
talented.
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00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:01,720
Nobody takes me seriously.
217
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:05,700
That's why I had to give up my dream.
218
00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:08,480
Then what did you want to be?
219
00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:17,710
What were you thinking?
220
00:13:18,930 --> 00:13:20,490
This is about Mother, I assume?
221
00:13:20,850 --> 00:13:23,010
I raised you like my own son.
222
00:13:23,490 --> 00:13:25,770
I walked you to your first day of
school.
223
00:13:26,010 --> 00:13:29,450
I made you fish sticks and tatter tots,
your mother forbid it.
224
00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:32,170
You're up.
225
00:13:34,530 --> 00:13:41,450
What were you thinking?
226
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:45,070
All I did was tell Mother the truth
about the cruise and suggest that we try
227
00:13:45,070 --> 00:13:46,150
be more honest with each other.
228
00:13:46,430 --> 00:13:48,010
Well, that was a damn stupid thing to
do.
229
00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:52,650
Things were going along just fine.
People got up, they went about their
230
00:13:52,650 --> 00:13:54,690
business, they had a little something to
eat, and they went to bed.
231
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:58,650
And if there was some kind of trouble,
we dealt with it in our own way without
232
00:13:58,650 --> 00:14:03,770
going on and on about how we felt or
what we thought. I see the value in
233
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:07,690
I don't know what I was thinking.
234
00:14:08,370 --> 00:14:10,930
I should never have told my mother the
truth. I should have just ducked it up
235
00:14:10,930 --> 00:14:11,930
and gone on the cruise.
236
00:14:12,130 --> 00:14:14,510
No, I think it was good that you told
her the truth.
237
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,220
This is a friend of yours who did your
hair?
238
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:22,920
Yep.
239
00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:26,440
You know what? I think I will have a
glass of wine.
240
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,180
I'm going to go see what they've got.
241
00:14:28,420 --> 00:14:29,460
Well, honey, the lift is right here.
242
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:34,120
Oh, well, no. You just can't trust them,
honey. You've got to see it come out of
243
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,120
the bottle.
244
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,620
A glass of red wine, please.
245
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:47,800
Did he notice your hair?
246
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:49,700
He did.
247
00:14:51,340 --> 00:14:52,340
Is he looking?
248
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:53,680
He's looking away.
249
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,000
You've got to lock eyes.
250
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:56,199
I'm looking.
251
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,460
Looking isn't locking.
252
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:58,840
Watch.
253
00:15:03,940 --> 00:15:04,940
See?
254
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:07,160
Sure, you've got the hair working for
you.
255
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:11,520
I'll go back now, but when I get it from
the table, you try again.
256
00:15:21,450 --> 00:15:24,310
have less. I know, but you can never
have too much.
257
00:15:25,730 --> 00:15:28,750
And it goes right through you. You
didn't even drink yours.
258
00:15:29,010 --> 00:15:30,010
Just the thought of it.
259
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:24,880
What are you doing with them?
260
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,640
What? Buy me a drink.
261
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,540
I buy you dinner.
262
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:30,500
Who are you working for here?
263
00:16:32,020 --> 00:16:33,020
Get to it.
264
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,260
Come on, Greg, look up.
265
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:41,780
No, no, no, my sunglasses are clean,
honey. That's just a scratch.
266
00:16:43,620 --> 00:16:45,060
Please don't find the loose...
267
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,800
She has low blood sugar and she needs to
eat right away.
268
00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:01,290
with tissue because you know that will
scratch them.
269
00:18:01,910 --> 00:18:02,910
Good to know.
270
00:18:04,370 --> 00:18:05,510
Hey, it's raining.
271
00:18:05,850 --> 00:18:07,910
New shoes. We should take a cab.
272
00:18:08,210 --> 00:18:10,170
Okay. There's one. Why don't you go get
it? Chop, chop.
273
00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:11,390
Sure.
274
00:18:14,190 --> 00:18:15,690
Sorry, I did everything I could.
275
00:18:15,950 --> 00:18:18,930
Yeah, until your dinner came and you
never looked up again.
276
00:18:19,670 --> 00:18:21,570
How did you not weigh 300 pounds?
277
00:18:22,490 --> 00:18:24,190
Why are you so upset with me?
278
00:18:24,550 --> 00:18:27,950
I don't know. Maybe because it looks
like my head was licked by a flock of
279
00:18:32,620 --> 00:18:33,620
Last shot.
280
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:34,640
Follow my lead.
281
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:42,260
Honey, this nice lady is going in our
direction, and she's too bold to walk,
282
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,380
we're going to give her a ride. Okay.
Hey, nice lady, go ahead, hop in.
283
00:18:45,600 --> 00:18:46,139
Go ahead, sweetie.
284
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:47,140
Oh, great, you go ahead.
285
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:50,160
You know what?
286
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:54,360
These shoes are waterproof, or so they
say. I better test them out. You guys go
287
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,360
ahead.
288
00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:18,350
Such a fantasy.
289
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:21,510
You know, the restaurant, the rain, the
cab.
290
00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:24,070
I was trying to get you someone new.
291
00:19:24,570 --> 00:19:26,330
That woman who just burped in the cab?
292
00:19:27,730 --> 00:19:31,310
She's your mother's travel agent and I
had to let her do my hair and buy her
293
00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:32,610
dinner and two appetizers.
294
00:19:33,610 --> 00:19:36,130
And you still don't have a fantasy girl.
295
00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:39,710
Sarma, I don't need...
296
00:19:59,690 --> 00:20:00,689
for what happened before.
297
00:20:00,690 --> 00:20:04,290
And the reason that I said all those
things is because I was overwhelmed by
298
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:10,950
generosity of your gift and embarrassed
by your... generosity.
299
00:20:13,930 --> 00:20:15,270
Well, that's understandable.
300
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:19,870
Yes, that makes sense. And I can't tell
you how excited Dharma and I are to go
301
00:20:19,870 --> 00:20:20,870
on the cruise with you and Dad.
302
00:20:21,070 --> 00:20:22,070
You're welcome.
303
00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:26,390
Oh, cafe con dolce. Ah, bueno.
304
00:20:27,470 --> 00:20:28,770
I miss you, Mongo, Mary.
305
00:20:29,130 --> 00:20:31,210
You speak Spanish like an idiot.
24641
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