Original subtitles

Wow. Now that is my kind of wake -up call.

We aim to please.

Hey, I have a question.

Glad you held it till the end.

Did all that just then have anything to do with that cute waitress from last

night?

What?

You know, the one who asked you if you work out.

I was wearing the black T -shirt.

I mean, it's totally healthy to fantasize from time to time. I know. I

that.

I mean, you've been Harrison Ford. You've been David Bowie. One time you

the brawny paper towel guy.

We were in the kitchen.

Okay, well, it wasn't the waitress.

But it was somebody.

I'm going to go make some coffee. Oh, come on.

Is she living or is she dead?

Dead.

Alive in the fantasy.

Come on, honey. Who is she?

I'm going to find out.

You're not going to get inside my head. I get inside your pants and your head

doesn't have that tricky button fly.

All right, so it's the 10 -day ocean dream cruise with a three -island

itinerary. Ah. Ha!

Tickety -do!

It's Greg's birthday, and I get to go to the Caribbean.

Well,

he has been working very hard, and you are married to him.

Now, we are going to be two adjoining cabins with a common parlor.

It's 1 o 'clock. You say you're going to make her buy us a big fancy lunch.

Hang on, Susan.

Two cabins? Yes.

You did know Edward and I were coming along.

I was hoping. I just didn't want to jinx it.

Let me show you some brochures about day trips to some of the out -of -the -way

islands. Oh, good. I would like to avoid the areas where children tug at you and

try to sell you things. It's very awkward.

You look pretty happy for someone about to go on a slow boat to hell.

I'm not going anywhere. As soon as I tell Greg what happened, he's going to

a stop to it, even if he has to drink all the water in the world, like the

Chinese brothers.

You know, back home, that book is the five American brothers.

You know what?

If we're going to kill off this cruise, I should probably get Greg something

really kick -ass for his birthday.

If I knew what he wanted, what would make your husband really happy?

Her? Naked with a bow?

Maybe with a bacon cheeseburger between her breasts.

Sure.

Boy, am I hungry.

Wait.

If I can find out who Greg's fantasy woman is, maybe I can get her to find an

autographed picture. Oh, man.

Dama, do you know what we need to do right now? Take you out and buy you some

proper cruise wet.

Um, actually, Susan's getting kind of hungry.

Oh, I'm fine.

Come on, let's go get you a nice, smart pantsuit with a big, shiny anchor on it.

I've got to figure out what to do here. I've got to get out of going on this

cruise with my parents. No kidding.

Norma thinks that I should tell them the truth and try to establish a more

honest relationship with them.

I guess.

I'm thinking of going with an inner ear problem.

Yeah, that'll work.

Hey! All right, boys, big night. Pizza and videos.

You've got choices.

Julia Roberts.

Sharon Stone, or maybe America's girl next door, Sandra Bullock.

Huh? Huh?

0 for 3.

Shoot. What game are we playing?

Trying to figure out who Greg thinks about when he's having sex.

You know, that probably depends, you know, if he's trying to slow down or

up.

For me, it's Anna Kournikova on the gas and Tommy Lasorda on the brake.

Hey, honey, while you're getting some plates, you want to do a little reading,

maybe? A little L. Mc...

Or the cool and yet detached beauty of one Ms. Martha Stewart?

Martha Stewart's an attractive woman.

Aha!

So should I send her a little thank you muffin basket?

Why is it so important to you? It's just...

I believe that the more we know about each other's fantasies and desires, the

better time we're going to have.

Having sex.

All right, honey, if you're really uncomfortable telling me, that's totally

fine.

Okay.

It's not just Valerna Sonnenberg.

She's a famous concert violinist. She's played with orchestras all over the

world. She won the Walter Nomburg competition.

Oh, she sounds hot.

She's very sensual when she performs.

We kind of met once.

You met once?

Well... Did you two fiddle around?

No, I... I was in New York. It was about six or seven years ago, and, um...

You know, I was in this little restaurant, and Nadja was sitting at the

I kind of caught her eye, and she gave me one of these.

Did it back.

She did this?

No, it wasn't that. She was just more like this.

Anyway, when I left, she was leaving, and it was raining, so we ended up

a cab for like four blocks.

Nothing. We talked.

About what?

You know, the weather, classical music. My theory that Yo -Yo Ma is to the cello

what Carl Sagan was to science. An important popularizer, but not a

groundbreaker.

Sounds like you had a moment.

We did.

Wait a minute.

Trying to guess Greg's fantasy girl.

But Dharma, you're Greg's fantasy girl.

You won't shut up about it at work.

That ought to be good for about a half day off, huh?

Delia, the leche is not very bueno, is it?

I'm sorry, Mrs. Montgomery, I will bueno it up for you.

What did she mean by that? I don't know. I don't speak Spanish like you do,

Mother.

No, thank you. Listen, there was something I wanted to talk to you about

Dharma told me about the cruise.

Oh. And I could make something up, but the truth is... Yes?

I have developed an inner ear problem, and it's going to give me vertigo on the

butt. Oh, dear.

Oh, have you seen anybody about it? Yes, I saw Dr. Cranston. Didn't he retire?

Yes, but I saw him on the golf course. Oh, and he examined your ear right there

on the golf course.

Well, there was a slow -force swim in front of us, and he had a flashlight on

his keychain, and I don't have an inner ear problem. Mother, the truth is I

don't want to go on the cruise with you and Dad.

Oh. I know that's blunt, but frankly, I wish we had the kind of family where we

could be honest instead of having to tiptoe around people.

Forgive me, but I'm not aware of anybody who has to tiptoe around me.

Come on, Mother. Do you really think that Dad enjoyed sitting on a blanket in

the park and watching Othello?

He cried. It's because you ran out of wine.

What about Celia? What about her? Celia spent 30 years in this country. Don't

you think she finds it a little condescending that you speak to her in

Spanish? Uh -oh.

I don't mean to upset you, Mother. Oh, please, Gregory, why would I be upset?

It's delightful to find out that one son considers one to be a despotic monster.

And if you and Dharma ever have children, I hope I will be permitted to

them.

I think this is a real breakthrough for the whole family.

Uh, good, fine, and hungover.

What are you doing?

I got you your birthday present.

I didn't have time to wrap it.

Actually, you do, because my birthday's not until next week.

So this is something we'll enjoy watching together?

Oh, yeah.

I think this is really going to work for you.

Oh, boy.

Hi, Greg.

It's me, Nadja.

Just wanted to say hello to my number one fan.

And next time you're in New York City, let's share another cab.

How did you get her to do that? Oh, you're never going to believe it. I

her down to a concert hall in Minneapolis.

I told her all about you and the restaurant and the cab ride. Now you

about her when we have sex.

Oh, good. You covered everything.

Oh, she thought it was adorable.

I don't know what to say.

You want to watch it again?

Maybe later. I'm just going to go change my clothes.

Did I get the wrong Nadja Salerno Sonnenberg?

That's not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.

We didn't even have sex.

Totally putting off calling Nadja. She's going to be really disappointed.

Well, actually, honey, I'm not surprised Greg responded that way.

Abby, when it starts coming back out, does that mean he's full?

Well, he usually eats one whole jar.

One. Okay.

All done.

Don, we have to understand that male sexuality is a delicate, delicate thing.

It wins.

And I'm afraid that by shining a light on Greg's fantasy, you destroyed it.

Poor Greg.

I kicked in the motel room door of his libido with a search warrant and a cop.

It's all right. I'm sure that he has other women he thinks about during sex.

I know you're trying to make me feel better, but I can't kill on you.

You're gonna have to find some way to replace Craig's fantasy.

You want your husband to think about me while you're having sex.

That's what we're hoping for.

So then, you know, I tried to find another violinist who would flirt with

but I gotta tell you, they're a pretty prudish bunch.

And then I thought, you know, maybe it doesn't have to be a violinist at all.

Maybe it was more about the restaurant and the moment. Yeah, the... No, not

because it's like that.

So what do you say?

This is the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

Or loving.

It's not like he's some weird raincoat, black socks kind of guy. It's not like

he's going to stalk you.

No, he's just going to think about me.

You're not going to do this, are you?

No.

Okay.

is hard.

You know what? Listen, if you're really not doing this because you think it's

creepy, that's totally cool. But if you're at all saying no because you're

uncomfortable with how beautiful you are, you should deal with that because

are a babe and you should be celebrating your babishness.

Hey, you know, I don't have a problem with how I look.

Okay. I'm fine with how I look.

It's other people, you know.

They're the ones with the problem.

They see this face and this body, and I have a mind.

You let it out. You let it out.

Nobody thinks a beautiful woman can be talented.

Nobody takes me seriously.

That's why I had to give up my dream.

Then what did you want to be?

What were you thinking?

This is about Mother, I assume?

I raised you like my own son.

I walked you to your first day of school.

I made you fish sticks and tatter tots, your mother forbid it.

You're up.

What were you thinking?

All I did was tell Mother the truth about the cruise and suggest that we try

be more honest with each other.

Well, that was a damn stupid thing to do.

Things were going along just fine. People got up, they went about their

business, they had a little something to eat, and they went to bed.

And if there was some kind of trouble, we dealt with it in our own way without

going on and on about how we felt or what we thought. I see the value in

I don't know what I was thinking.

I should never have told my mother the truth. I should have just ducked it up

and gone on the cruise.

No, I think it was good that you told her the truth.

This is a friend of yours who did your hair?

Yep.

You know what? I think I will have a glass of wine.

I'm going to go see what they've got.

Well, honey, the lift is right here.

Oh, well, no. You just can't trust them, honey. You've got to see it come out of

the bottle.

A glass of red wine, please.

Did he notice your hair?

He did.

Is he looking?

He's looking away.

You've got to lock eyes.

I'm looking.

Looking isn't locking.

Watch.

See?

Sure, you've got the hair working for you.

I'll go back now, but when I get it from the table, you try again.

have less. I know, but you can never have too much.

And it goes right through you. You didn't even drink yours.

Just the thought of it.

What are you doing with them?

What? Buy me a drink.

I buy you dinner.

Who are you working for here?

Get to it.

Come on, Greg, look up.

No, no, no, my sunglasses are clean, honey. That's just a scratch.

Please don't find the loose...

She has low blood sugar and she needs to eat right away.

with tissue because you know that will scratch them.

Good to know.

Hey, it's raining.

New shoes. We should take a cab.

Okay. There's one. Why don't you go get it? Chop, chop.

Sure.

Sorry, I did everything I could.

Yeah, until your dinner came and you never looked up again.

How did you not weigh 300 pounds?

Why are you so upset with me?

I don't know. Maybe because it looks like my head was licked by a flock of

Last shot.

Follow my lead.

Honey, this nice lady is going in our direction, and she's too bold to walk,

we're going to give her a ride. Okay. Hey, nice lady, go ahead, hop in.

Go ahead, sweetie.

Oh, great, you go ahead.

You know what?

These shoes are waterproof, or so they say. I better test them out. You guys go

ahead.

Such a fantasy.

You know, the restaurant, the rain, the cab.

I was trying to get you someone new.

That woman who just burped in the cab?

She's your mother's travel agent and I had to let her do my hair and buy her

dinner and two appetizers.

And you still don't have a fantasy girl.

Sarma, I don't need...

for what happened before.

And the reason that I said all those things is because I was overwhelmed by

generosity of your gift and embarrassed by your... generosity.

Well, that's understandable.

Yes, that makes sense. And I can't tell you how excited Dharma and I are to go

on the cruise with you and Dad.

You're welcome.

Oh, cafe con dolce. Ah, bueno.

I miss you, Mongo, Mary.

You speak Spanish like an idiot.