Original subtitles

You're driving yourself crazy with all that research.

I'll tell you how to buy a car, my friend.

Police auction.

No, thank you.

I got this baby for 4 ,000 bucks.

Sure, on a hot day, you can still tell it's a canine unit, but that's a hell of

a deal.

I mean, look at this car. It rated number one in the National

Board crash test, but Consumer Reports gives it the worst repair record.

Nice. Red.

You know, I wouldn't mind something a little sportier for myself, but Dharma

definitely needs something safe and boxy and Swedish.

Pete, is that a bullet hole?

Oh, yeah, I told you about that girl Tanya, right?

Hey, check out this pad, boy.

It says $700. I bet you can get it for five.

Yeah, but where do you dock it?

I hope they move it before Dharma sees it.

You will.

You mean because she might buy it?

It's totally bitchin'. Yeah, that's just the most used

I was looking for.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I want you to arrange the jack -o' -lanterns so they

look arranged.

Look at this little window.

Hello out there.

I used to have a car like this. Your mother never looked prettier than riding

beside me, the wind in her hair.

Edward, I never knew you when you drove a convertible.

I wonder what ever happened to that gal.

And will you please explain to Dharma that when you buy a used car, you're

buying someone else's problem. Honey, you don't know anything about this car.

Oh, I know a lot about it.

It's a great ride. It's a cool color.

And it has a very roomy trunk.

You don't know how it was maintained. You don't know how it was driven. You

don't know anything about the previous owner.

Sure I do.

He, uh, he liked racehorses.

Smoked lucky.

And he... had a head.

Ring -a -ding -ding, Dolphus.

Smart hat, buddy.

Here, Ed, this could be your Halloween costume.

Hey, Kitty, what do you think? For the country club thing?

Absolutely not. We're going as Robin Hood and Maid Marian as always.

Oh, I hate Halloween. I'm never allowed to eat the candy. Some kid always eggs

my house and I have to wear green pantyhose.

Get tight, Edward.

Tighter every year.

Hey, guys, how about instead of going to a restaurant tonight, we get a couple

buckets of chicken, drive someplace where there's a view, and neck.

So now he's taking the car to another mechanic, but they all just keep saying

the same thing.

Car's fine, junk the husband.

I will buy the car from you.

$200, right now, cash. Don't think about it, just do it.

It's got a lot of problems, but it is safe, and I must admit, it's a kick in

head to drive.

Really? Of course, we might have to, uh, breathe a few palms to get it to pass

that smog check.

So, neat jacket.

Did you find that in the trunk?

No, I had the top down. It got a little chilly, so I stopped and I picked it up

for ten bucks. Look, it goes with the, uh, hat.

Yeah, it does.

But they've been separated for years.

Look at you, reunited. Uniting them like some kind of weird daytime talk show

for clothes.

You think he would take six bucks for the jacket? I would look hot in it.

Honey, do we have any juicy fruit?

Juicy fruit? I'm going to cruise over to the store and pick up a pack. Back in a

jiff.

Do you smell Old Spice?

Yeah. I think he'd been drinking it.

Good night, Finkelstein.

Hold on, Ed. You might want to take a look at this.

You know how stuff has been walking out of the supply room lately?

Yeah. Well, I hooked up an extra security camera, and guess who just

there? Your secretary and your director of integrated marketing systems.

You're kidding.

Oh, good Lord, I don't want to see that.

Neither do I.

But it's my job.

Finkelstein, do you think you could set up one of those cameras at my place?

You and Kitty want to spice things up in the bedroom, huh?

Listen, Finkelstein, I want to catch the punk that's been egging my house every

Halloween. You know, you can't get egg off. You have to repaint the whole damn

house.

All right.

I'll set it up tomorrow.

Thanks.

Boy, she won't even get me coffee.

Where's Greg?

You got me.

Last night, he went out for gum, came back three hours later.

Said he was throwing dice with the guy at the store.

Greg doesn't gamble. I know.

Buy yourself something pretty.

Sorry I'm late with the chows on me. I hit the trifecta at Golden Gate.

Hey, hey, hey.

Who's got a little sugar for daddy -o?

Mmm.

What you got going on here?

You like it? Little stash.

Little disturbing.

Give it some time. It'll grow on you. It's growing on me.

When did you learn that?

When did I learn that?

I gotta go see a man about a horse. Order me a porterhouse, yay thick bone

Duke him a fin. Tell him I want it to moo.

You know, the stash might be the least creepy thing about him.

Why has he been acting like that? A couple days. It's really weird. The

the aftershave, and he wants to drive my car all the time. And then when I ask

him what's happening, he says, you are, baby, you are.

You know what it sounds like to me, Dharma?

It sounds like the car has taken him over.

Abby, a car can't possess someone.

No, of course not.

It's the residual energy from a previous owner, Kim.

Especially if you departed this plane of existence.

in a troubled state.

What do you know about this car?

I guess not a lot.

Dharma, I'm surprised at you. You of all people should know you can't buy a used

car if you don't first check out its spiritual history.

You know what is wrong with men's rooms these days?

No shoeshine stands.

Ooh, check out those shoes.

Two -tone spectators. I'm out cruising around. I got the top down. I see them

a window. Something came over me. Cuckoo, huh?

Come on, what is happening?

You are, baby, you are.

Well, to start with, there's only been one owner. There's been no major

accidents. And it really does only have 60 ,000 miles. I checked with a DMV.

Hey, Pete, thanks for doing that.

Oh, it's no problem. I had to go down there anyway.

I've been driving on an expired Jamaican license since 89.

So, did you find out about any weird knocking sounds or poltergeists? Any

mention of a bone -chilling draft from the glove compartment?

No.

Maybe it's on the back here.

Thomas thinks the car has a goal.

So, did you find out anything about the guy who owned it?

It's a Stanley Green.

He died in 1972, but his sister kept the car in storage until earlier this

month. Oh, yeah, I got an article about the guy.

It's right here.

Local crime figure found dead. Apparent suicide under investigation.

The hair on my arm just went wah.

Local bookmaker Stanley Shorty Green was found plumped over the wheel of his car

in his garage.

Suicide, expensive gambling debt.

Look at Aaron Landers. Even back then, same stupid haircut.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Toots, what's happening?

Wake up any minute. Can you skip the little spirits and just look for the

dead gamblers?

Greg's still asleep?

Hey, he was up all night playing Texas Hold 'em in the back of some dentist's

office. He came home with $200 and a shopping bag full of floss. The floss

grow on trees, baby.

Okay, okay. I think I'm getting something here.

Dharma,

you know what?

I'm not really very good with cars.

I know a woman in Berkeley, but you might have to leave it with her a couple

days. A couple of days?

Check with your insurance. Sometimes they pay for a rental.

You know what, honey? I think you have to consider the possibility that

negative energy was in this car is now in Greg.

So that means that Greg is becoming Shorty Green and Shorty Green killed

in this car. Abby, I have to get rid of this car.

I don't know. why they call him Shorty. He looks like a regular -sized person to

me.

Where did you find that?

Greg's briefcase.

Derm, isn't that the file of stuff you showed me before? No, that's still

upstairs.

Whoa, wait a minute.

If this is in Greg's briefcase, then he knows all about Shorty Green.

He's totally screwing with me.

He's just doing this to make me get rid of the car.

Well, Derm, can you blame him?

The thing's haunted.

Hey, Daddy, your baby's

home.

Hey, there.

Sorry I'm late, but Chief Louise today just got away from me. I wanted to go

shopping for some unmentionables.

But the car just wanted to go to the track. It's like it knew the way.

And how did things go at the track?

Not so hot.

But I met this guy. He's six foot one and his brother's a jockey. Go figure,

right?

Anyway, he gave me a tip about a filly running tonight.

But I'm flat broke.

So, um... How's about you and me go get some lettuce, head back to the track and

turn that lettuce into dough?

Come on, I'll drive.

We don't have to do that.

No, we don't. Do we, Greg?

No, because I can phone in the bet.

Come on, give it up.

Hey, Mikey, guess who? Yeah, I want to bet the eighth race at Golden Gate. Uh,

elbow room to win.

I don't know, give me, uh, give me five grand.

Eh, make it ten, make it twenty.

He wants to make it twenty, Mikey.

That must be some tip. You heard the lady. Make it 20 large. And be quiet

you back up the money truck. My neighbors like to sleep in.

Thanks for the tip, doll.

I'm gonna bop down to the corner for a hot shave. I'll meet you out front in a

half an hour and we'll go paint the town red with white polka dots.

Fingalstein, I sure appreciate you helping me out with this thing.

Frankly, I'm always glad to get out of the house on Halloween.

Abby has this party for her friends. They cackle and dance around. It's a

regular coven. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Kitty has her book club ladies over and... Oh, you mean an actual coven.

They light a big bonfire and parade around naked.

No kidding.

Yeah, I'll tell you the truth. When her friends were in their 20s, it was kind

of nice.

These days, I can take it or leave it.

Sure.

All right, we'll watch the front of the house from here.

The camera will give us a view from the side.

We're going to catch us an egg thrower.

Engelstein, are you sure the camera's pointed in the right direction?

Hey, who's the surveillance professional here?

What are you supposed to be?

A wonderful, trusting human being who is open to many possibilities in this

universe and because of that is being made fun of by her husband.

Nobody's going to get that.

Hey, Dharma.

Is Greg upstairs?

No.

He ran to the corner for a shave and I don't know how that's going to work out

because there's just a Starbucks there.

Oh, hey, there's my briefcase.

No.

This is Greg's briefcase.

No, no, it used to be Greg's briefcase. He gave it to me because he found

another one that used to belong to Tammy Davis Jr.

This is your briefcase?

Yeah. All the stuff in here is yours?

Yeah.

And what was he doing in our car?

I must have thrown it in the trunk when he dragged me down to the Indian Casino.

All right.

If this briefcase is yours, then what's in it?

I don't know. The Greenblatt file? The Suarez deposition?

My copy of the files about the car?

Oh, my God.

He wasn't screwing with me.

Hey, Greg asked me to bring by some cash.

He's having a little trouble with the ponies.

Tell him I can only get $9 ,000.

Pete, I made him bet $20 ,000.

Yeah, and he lost.

He's going to have to get the rest from his parents or pawn something.

Tell him to do it quick because Mike is serious.

I thought it was Mikey.

It's Mike when he's serious.

If I wanted to get rid of a car, but I didn't want to sell it because I didn't

want the burden of unleashing evil onto some innocent person, what should I do?

If someone stole the car, that wouldn't be an innocent person.

Well, how would I get it stolen?

Besides leaving it here with the keys in it?

Thanks.

And don't stand by it. Right.

So did she believe it was your briefcase? Yeah, I was touching go for a

but I think she did.

She's getting rid of the car.

She left the keys in it.

So long, shorty.

Well, don't stand next to it. Come on.

Was I humming again?

The seat, Finkelstein. Stop moving the seat.

I can't get comfortable.

It's a Mercedes. You're comfortable.

Can I have some potato chips?

What are you doing?

Putting chips on my sandwich.

You can't put chips on your sandwich. Chips are a side dish.

For you, they're on the side. For me, they're part of the sandwich.

Some people eat mayonnaise on the side.

No one eats mayonnaise on the side.

Well, if you did, I wouldn't judge you.

I'm going to hit the latrine. Oh.

Here you go.

What is that? We're on a stakeout.

Here's your latrine.

I'm not going to use that. It's okay. I won't watch.

I don't care about that. I'm going inside.

All right.

Just rinse it out before you bring it back.

Ed!

Hey,

you!

What are you doing there?

Stop! Stop!

Get away from there!

Did you see who it was? Oh, Larry!

What are you doing here?

Ed would ask me to help catch the egg thrower.

Well... Nice try.

Look at my house.

It'll never come off.

No, it doesn't come off. You have to paint. Ah, I suppose so.

Well, this year I'm thinking sage with, um, hunter green trim.

Actually, the trim's okay. They missed it completely.

Ah.

You know, Larry, would you check around back? They couldn't have gotten very

far. Good thinking.

You know, I didn't like the looks of those ballerinas.

Sorry about the car. Oh, no, it happens. Cars get stolen.

You know, it was fun while it lasted, but I think we're better off in a more

conventional Swedish car.

Yeah.

Honey, I'm really glad that you're back to normal, but I did a bad thing.

I let someone steal the car you love on purpose, and now some unsuspecting

person whose only crime is that he steals cars will be doomed.

to live out the life of Shorty Green.

Emma, nobody's doomed.

Yes, they are, honey. We have to find that car. No, we don't. Listen, the

thing was a scam.

It was my briefcase.

I didn't make any bets. We're not broke.

I just figured it was the only way I could get you to get rid of the car.

What?

This kind of thing isn't like you. No, I know, and I'm sorry.

I should have stopped, but I...

I got carried away. It was kind of fun. No, don't apologize, honey. It wasn't

you. It was the car.

It wasn't the car.

Honey, Greg Montgomery is not deceitful and lying to his wife and pulling off

some kind of congee, but you know who is?

Shorty Green.

Did you hear what I just said? I said I'd plan the whole thing out. But not

until after you had already driven the car and been under its influence. Honey,

it's okay. I'll find the car myself.

My mother knows a woman in Berkeley who can take care of it.

But a car can't be possessed.

Of course not, honey. A person is possessed. A car is haunted.

Oh, look, we have lobster today.

Here you go, kitten. There's your earring.

Thank you, baby.

Fly me to the moon.