Original subtitles

Nunzio, pack.

Good boy.

Hi. Why do we have a thank you note from the mailman?

Oh, I lent him your razor.

He had a hot lunch date.

Hey, check this out. Nunzio, pack.

I swear to God, he did it like four times before he walked in.

If I'm not crying, may I ask where Nunzio's going?

San Jose, we're all going. Greg, pack!

Maybe it's the way I'm saying it?

Why are we going to San Jose?

Because it's the nearest available hotel room. It's Fleet Week, and so the

entire Navy is going to be in San Francisco, which is really going to

the usual sailor -to -cowboy ratio.

Okay, well, that answers most of my questions, except, uh, why are we going

San Jose?

Oh, you know how we get all those people calling thinking they're booking a room

at a bed -and -breakfast because some British guidebook printed our number by

mistake? Uh, no.

And we've been getting all these people calling, thinking they're booking a room

at a bed and breakfast because some British guidebook printed our number by

mistake. So I heard.

So there's this couple, the Coopers, and they flew in all the way from England.

They called from the airport, so I called the real B &B, but they're all

up. So then I started calling around, trying to find them a hotel room, and

nearest one I could find was in San Jose.

Fleet Week.

Tell me about it.

Well, that must be the Coopers, huh? They made good time.

Why can't they stay in San Jose?

Honey, it's their 25th wedding anniversary. Was the song they first

called I Left My Heart in San Jose?

Apparently not.

Hello. Hi.

Welcome to the I Hope You're Not Allergic to Dog Hair Inn. Oh, that's

Well,

we're the Coopers. I'm Henry, and this is my wife, Lorraine. Like the quiche.

But not as rich.

so much for your hospitality.

We really appreciate you putting yourselves out like this. It's not a

Honey, get their bags. Oh, it's all right. The doorman's bringing them up.

God.

Where's he off to?

We don't have a doorman.

Not a dream. I'm really sinking.

Come on.

We've got to put this away before the Coopers get up.

Oh, come on. You're the one who didn't want to drive down to San Jose and sleep

in a perfectly good bed that we already paid $59 for.

I'm sorry. I thought it would be rude to skip out on the total stranger staying

in our home with our possessions.

All right. Up and at them.

Come on. We've got to make them breakfast.

Why?

Because, honey, these people are hoping to stay at a bed and breakfast, and the

least you can do is make them breakfast.

No, the least you can do is say, I'm sorry you have the wrong number. We

least you can do a long time ago.

Do we have any kippers?

Uh, no. Uh, the kipper man was late this week.

What are kippers?

Fish.

Oh.

So what's win one for the kipper?

I have no idea.

waffles. There's waffle batter in the fridge.

Honey, they are sweet people and we are doing a good thing. I'll make waffles.

And fresh fruits, orange juice, and put parsley on the plate. I'm not going to

put parsley on the plate.

There goes our three -star rating.

Good morning. How did you guys sleep?

Excellent. Always do. He wears earplugs.

What's that?

I said, oh, you.

He gets me with that every time.

to be in 25 years. Good morning. Good morning.

Won't you?

Judging by the colour, I'd say yes.

Lovely, thank you. Is this so freshly squeezed? Yes, it is. Oh, dear.

What's wrong?

Oh, it's nothing, it's nothing. Could you possibly strain it? He can't have

pulp. He was born with delicate gums.

The entire family.

How does the...

Pulp affects his gums. You're not permitted to floss.

I'm very sorry.

One makes two.

Honey, I'm going to hop in the shower. Abby's coming to take me to physical

therapy.

You're leaving?

I can take care of anything you need.

I hope you're okay with blueberry waffles.

I, for one, love blueberries.

Excellent. But they don't love me.

I'll see if I can pick them out. Would an omelette be too much trouble?

Omelette it is. There's a good fella.

Actually, I'll just stick with the waffles and a pot of tea, if you could.

Maybe I should get my pad.

Hey, Abby, does Larry's friend still do that flying high over San Francisco

tour? Oh, no, honey, he went out of business.

People were disappointed it wasn't in some kind of aircraft.

I really want to take the Coopers somewhere fun, you know? Not just a

Chinatown and Jerry Garcia's dentist.

Well, I like to take people to sit outside my ex -boyfriend's house and

You Think She's Prettier Than Me.

That sounds fun.

What kind of things do the Coopers like to do?

You know, we just met. I don't know anything about them. Henry always wanted

be a potter, but he didn't want to disappoint his parents, so he went to

for his father's company, which imports cork from Portugal.

But Lorraine's theory is that it wasn't so much trying to please his father as

it was trying to accommodate his witch of a mother who has always hung over

their marriage like a dark shadow. Her words. But in Henry's defense, it is

Lorraine's mother who lives with him and still brings home strange men at 78.

Ghirardelli Square is always nice.

Hey, look at Harry.

Oh, yeah, he's really trying to walk.

Hey, look at Dora. She's trying to walk, too.

Not a competition, honey.

I know.

Very good, Harry.

FYI, you may walk first, but I'm wearing a big girl underpants.

That looks fantastic.

Thank you. This was rejected by people from a country whose greatest culinary

achievement is fried fish in newspaper.

It's really good. Is there anything about it you would describe as gritty?

Nope.

What's in it? Gruyere cheese, black forest ham, and herbs of Provence.

I cannot believe you like girls.

Okay, all right, but it's not gritty, right?

Gregory, I have a crisis.

Nice to see you too, Mother.

Hey, Mrs. M.

Oh, of course.

I have just come from the zoo, and I am very upset.

Hey, they're animals. What, you want them to get a room?

What's the problem, Mother?

Look.

Do you have any idea how much money the Montgomery Family Foundation has given

to that zoo?

What am I looking at here? Oh, there, there.

The Kitty Montgomery hippo habitat.

I was promised an aviary.

Well, don't hippos have those birds that live in their mouth and clean their

teeth?

Gregory, they are enormous, vulgar creatures, and they wallow, Gregory.

Hey, Wallow.

Have you talked to Dad about this?

Oh, he just asked if we could go down there and ride them.

Can we?

Next month, they are opening a butterfly pavilion, and that is where I want my

name. Now, the Buckleys have gazelles, the Allendales got peacocks, and I want

butterflies. Mother, I run a law office here.

I have a job.

And I have a hippo habitat.

I'll see what I can do.

Hi, honey, come on in.

It's happy hour.

Yeah, the appetizers are up there and the well drinks are half price.

Oh, no, I'm good.

We were out sightseeing all day. By the time we got back, it was too late for

high tea.

Over the teeth and mind the gums.

Have the Coopers extended their reservation?

Uh -huh. Would you like some sherry, Greg, or a highball? We have a full bar.

I know. I come here a lot.

Stay clear of the scotch. It's not Glasgow's finest hour.

Emma. Yeah?

Speak to you for a moment in the kitchen.

Absolutely. I'll rape you. Hey, you're walking.

No, actually, I'm running. You just can't tell.

Marcy, is it?

Yes, I... I knew a woman in Manchester with a glass eye called Marcy.

A good eye was called Wanda.

How did she lose the eye?

Honey, why are the Coopers still here? We can't find them a hotel room, at

not one that meets our fleet week rate.

Patras is fun, right? I mean, it's touristy, but it's fun, right?

How long will they be staying?

A while. I hope the freezer's full of kippers.

Boy, for a man with weak gums, he sure can't suck down the fried mozzarella

sticks.

Can you give us a minute?

Yeah, why don't you go help Marcy set up the karaoke machine?

Karaoke machine?

Okay, just when the timer dings on the stove, you take out the spanakopita.

All I'm saying is if you let total strangers in the house like this,

going to take advantage of you.

They were total strangers, but now they're our friends.

That's the beauty of having a B &B.

We don't have a B &B.

Darla, look!

Our sailor's from the cable car, baby!

Let me buy you a drink.

I'm going to unload some of that scotch for you.

This is it? This is your solution?

Snakes?

It's not just snakes, Mother. It's lizards and chameleons and these little

fellas. Oh, they are horrendous. I don't want this. I want butterflies. Well, it

turns out that the Butterfly Pavilion already has a sponsor.

Who? Well, it's not important who. Let's talk about the historical importance of

snakes. Let's talk about Adam and Eve. Let's talk about the ecosystem. Let's

talk about those shoes in your closet.

God, the Manharts have the butterflies.

Yes, they do.

Damn that teensy Manhart.

Oh, she took the antiquities wing of the museum away from me. She gave more

money to the pediatric ward than I did. She's a terrible woman, Mother.

She has been a thorn in my side for 20 years. The woman smokes two packs a day

and nothing, not even a cough.

Nice. I don't care what you have to do, Gregory. I want my name on the butterfly

pavilion. Mother, I'm... I'm just blue -skying here, but...

Have you ever considered the concept of charity as just giving and not worrying

about having your name on something?

I'll see what I can do.

Hello? Ah, don't blink.

You'll miss her. She's a blur.

Pumpkin, that's great.

Yeah, hey, where's Harry? There's dust to be eaten here.

He's with the sitter, Larry.

Oh, in the bedroom. It's going to be our mini bar.

We're going to put snacks and drinks in it. Oh, I love those.

Can I have one? Twelve bucks.

Oh, this must be a nice place.

You are healing so well.

Do you think it's eliminating cheese from your diet or the new aromatherapy

candle? It might be the four -inch titanium pin in my hip.

We'll never know.

Hey, you're doing really well.

I got the booty shaking.

So where are the Coopers?

Oh, they're doing a little shopping. Oh, by the way, I had to cash a check for

them. I used our emergency money.

What? You know the $500 you keep in the Eddie Money album?

Oh, that's a coincidence.

Larry keeps ours in the Johnny Cash album.

Or he did, until that garage sale.

This is from an English bank. It's in pounds.

Yeah, I gave him a pretty good exchange rate, about $2 .50 to the pound.

Oh, that doesn't sound right.

Oh, wait. I'm thinking of converting pounds to grams.

We don't have to worry about cashing any more checks for the Coopers because I

got them a room at the Fairmont.

Why, honey? They love it here.

Yes, I don't blame them. I love it here. In fact, I love it here so much, I'd

like to live here.

Ask them to move, Greg. It's their anniversary.

They're already unpacked. They already filled out the card with what they want

for breakfast.

Ooh, that's nice.

I owe you eight bucks.

Okay. All right. How about this? How about you and I will go to the Paramount

and the Coopers can stay here. They can eat our food, steal our things, however

they want to celebrate their anniversary.

I don't want to go to the Paramount.

Donna, this is ridiculous. I haven't slept for two nights. Oh, do you eat a

of dairy, Greg?

Listen to her on this. Give up the dairy, you'll both sleep better.

I'm not going to abandon the Coopers. They are my guests.

All right.

I have to go deal with my mother.

And, uh, after that... If you want me, I'll be at the fair amount.

Good idea, Greg. Keep an eye on the competition.

Tinsy, are you sure you wouldn't like another biscotti? I can't.

I wish I had your courage, Kitty, to be able to gobble them down and not care.

She landed that one.

All right, I think I've got this. Mother will get the butterfly pavilion in

return.

She will give up the fountain at the opera house and the chairmanship of the

inner city book drive.

Oh, I don't know. Hang on. Hang on.

Mrs. Manhart is also giving up her seat on the San Francisco Council of Churches

Immigrant Aid Society.

Well, I think I can live with that.

All right.

It's settled.

An anxious nation breathes a sigh of relief.

Oh. Not so fast. I know that sound.

What is it, Mother?

I'm sorry, I can't do it. I cannot give up the fountain at the opera. It was my

idea that the water came out like Pagliacci's tears.

I'm giving up the Immigrants' Aid Society.

How can you compare a beautiful work of art to a huddled mass of penniless

foreigners?

I hope that didn't sound callous.

Not at all, Mother.

And I've got a bottle of 25 -year -old scotch and a pair of antique dueling

pistols. You want to get drunk and shoot at each other?

Absolutely.

I think I've lived long enough.

Frankly, I don't see why we don't just kick in another two or three hundred

dollars and put both their names on the damn butterflies.

They have no idea how much you've spent on these things, do they?

What is your point, Gregory?

My point is that I sleep on an air mattress because my wife has turned our

apartment into a bed and breakfast. And I've sat here for the last two hours

trying to decide whether a wing in a maternity ward is equivalent to a home

unwed mothers. Here's the deal. Either you two work it out, or I go in there

I total it up for them.

Today I'm looking forward to a nice evening of karaoke with the Coopers.

Coopers are gone, Greg.

Oh. I went to the door to buy bangers and mash for them.

I figured.

I was supposed to be surprised, and then when I got home, they were gone. On a

note, nothing.

All they do is fill out this comment card I made. Two fares are good, and we

need a new chef.

Gritty. They're gritty again.

in the world suck.

No, I don't recall saying that. You said that the Coopers were going to take

advantage of us, and they did.

Did their check bounce?

No. Did they take something? Don't you get it, Greg? They didn't even say

goodbye.

I thought they were our friends. I thought, you know, one day we'd go visit

in whatchamacallitshire.

I don't even know where they live.

Unless it's actually called whatchamacallitshire.

But, Dharma, they weren't our friends. They behaved reasonably for people

staying in a bed and breakfast.

Come on, Greg. This is not a bed and breakfast. It's our home.

My mistake.

Where are you going?

Take the mints off the pillows.

You're going to get outside?

I suppose.

Hey, do you want to go down to the park you like and do some cheers for the

chess players?

No.

How about we pop a wheelie?

Whatever.

Do you want to walk a little bit?

Why?

You were doing so well and you haven't gotten out of the chair in a couple of

days.

No, you were right. I was overdoing it.

It's really good.

What's the point?

Like you always say, she's just going to use it to buy booze.

I don't really feel that about violinists.

Hi, honey. Hi. Come on in. Just put your backpacks down and they'll come in.

Honey, this is Carl Hines.

And Valtra, I'll be with us for a couple of days.

I was just, you know, walking by the youth hostel and it was completely

up and they were just sitting out there going through their guidebooks and I

thought, hey.

Honey, I know what you're doing. I know, it's not very subtle.

I'll get them all settled in.

I'm going to put them on the air mattress.

Bless you.

Just, uh, don't go to your Shane's anywhere for now.

You stay for three days, you eat what's in front of you, and when you go, you

make sure you invite her to your home in Deutschland.

Give me the book.