Original subtitles

Okay, go slow now, just a little bit of weight. Okay.

Another day of this, I'll be ready for the balance beam.

Exactly.

And watch how I stick the landing.

Kitty.

Dama, I am perfectly happy to bring you to physical therapy, but I draw the line

of playing the Romanian judge.

And the crowd goes wild.

Okay.

Now, for walking, I'm going to give you a nine, okay?

But for making your mother -in -law do the Olympic bit, I'm only giving you a 6

.5 just because, you know, I've seen it before.

Oh.

Fair enough.

Hey, when do you think I'll be ready for a little boom -chicka -boom -chicka

-boom -boom -boom? And by that, I mean sex.

Oh, dear God.

Exactly. It's been a while since I've yelled a good, oh, dear God.

If you're careful, you could probably have sex now.

Okay.

I was going to wait for my husband, but it has been a while.

All right, it's time to go.

Kitty, you know I only do the bed spring bossa nova with your little boy. Yes.

Now, here's an idea. Why don't we take the stairs?

What? See?

Kitty can make little jokes, too.

Yeah, but yours was way creepy.

Thanks.

I just have to go meet with the insurance adjuster. Why? Because I have

really great news that I promised I would not discuss in front of your

This has something to do with something I can't discuss in front of Pete.

Uh -huh. So exactly how good is this news?

Okay. Remember the Chinese restaurant down the street that had the kitchen

so for a while you could only order cold noodle dishes?

And they were good, but you really had a hankering for that chicken thing you

love?

It's lemon chicken.

No, lemon chicken was fried in batter.

Uh, Mooshu chicken.

You know what's good is that Kung Pao chicken.

Okay, let's say it's Mooshu chicken.

You get to have Mooshu chicken again. You just have to be careful folding the

pancakes.

Great. Um, well...

Wait, what exactly are the pancakes?

Maybe pancakes is wrong. What does the lemon chicken come with? Oh, for

sake. You can have sex again. You just have to be careful.

Thank you, Mother.

My mother just told me we can have sex.

Oh.

My mom won't even have dinner with me.

Ready to roll?

Mm -hmm, like nobody's business.

Hey, what's the deal with that furniture out by the curb? You know, the chair

and stuff? Oh, it's going to charity, Larry.

Well, that's not very antiseptic. You just put it out by the curb, a truck

by and picks it up. You get a nice tax deduction without getting your hands

dirty or ever having to see the poor.

What is your point, Larry?

Can I have the chair?

Yes, you may.

Cool. See ya.

Thanks for the lift, Kitty. I really appreciate it. Abby's going to give me a

ride tomorrow, and Greg will give me one tonight.

Yes, yes. Wink, wink. Ha, ha. Bye -bye.

All right. Just sign here and initial where it says total loss. Thank you.

And here's everything from your trunk. Thank you. Man, you are stocked. Your

flashlight, your earthquake survival kit, Swiss Army knife, Swiss Army

Are you in the Swiss Army, Greg?

Put that down.

There's an inventory sheet there.

Man, these guys are thorough.

No, we found that tape to the inside of the trunk lid.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can I take a look at the car?

Yeah, sure. It's right through here.

I don't believe it. I mean, it was a little country road. I wasn't even going

that fast.

Actually, they estimate you were going between 55 and 60 miles an hour. What?

Yeah, they measure the skid marks.

Yeah, come on, Greg. It's not that bad. I'd turn in rental cars in worse shape.

Is that a chicken coop you're building out there?

Haven't decided yet. Might be a guest house.

Well, whichever way you go, the license plates are a nice touch.

Thank you.

Listen, Kitty sort of made a mistake about the chair.

I don't think she realized it was my favorite.

Actually, she probably did.

Anyway, I would like it back.

Oh, wow.

Ed, I love this chair.

Look at it.

It looks like it was made for this place.

I understand, and you brought it all the way over here.

Why don't I buy it back from you?

Hang on. You don't think I'm shaking you down for money? Now, don't get insulted

here, Finkelstein. Look, the chair was on the curb.

I took the chair, and then I asked your wife if I could have it, and she said

yes. It's my chair now.

Your problem is with your wife.

Yes, and the way I deal with that problem is by pouring myself a scotch

sitting in this chair.

right i know what to do when i was a kid i had a dog that ran away and this

other family found it and the kid in the other family fell in love with the dog

and didn't want to give him up so my father put it each on opposite sides of

room put the dog in the middle and had each of us call the dog finkelstein

you're an idiot maybe or maybe you're just afraid you're gonna lose

No, the cable installer.

And here I am in clothes that could just so easily fall right off.

I'm sorry I'm late. I stopped at the hardware store.

Oh, I get it. The handyman. Hurry up. Let's get going. I'm expecting the cable

installer any minute.

I picked up some stuff to make the place paper for when you start walking.

Oh, so you really went to the hardware store.

Well, we can't be too cautious, darling.

Hey, honey, you know what we should get?

Some of those red bicycle reflectors.

Why? To put on your butt, because we're going to be cruising down the highway of

love.

Sorry, I guess I could do this later.

Dermot, what exactly did the doctor say?

Oh, it wasn't the doctor, it was Nancy.

Nancy? Nancy, my physical therapist.

You know...

I would feel a lot more comfortable if we got an official okay from Dr.

Maybe the list of do's and don'ts.

How about this? Do whatever you want and don't stop till I say uncle.

I love you and I want to do this more than I ever have, but I just want to

sure that we're being careful.

Okay. Okay?

I guess I should probably call your mom and let her know we're postponing sex

until tomorrow.

My mother doesn't want to know that. I know.

Or you could be this guy. He's a wizard.

Or this guy. He's an elf.

And I'm the dungeon master.

Oh, Judas Priest Finkelstein, when you called, you said you had a solution to

the chair problem. That's what I'm trying to explain. We play one game.

Winner keeps the chair.

Hey, if you don't like Dungeons and Dragons, I've got Yahtzee. I've got

Operation.

But the nose doesn't light up, so it's kind of in the honor system.

Biggleton, I'm not going to play some stupid game for my chair.

Oh, look at this.

Stratego.

You got red guys and blue guys and bombs and flags.

And then you have these little battles.

Like, he's a six, he's a five.

Boom, boom, you're dead.

Well, see, now that's reasonable.

Well. it's just a matter of weight distribution and range of motion.

But, you know, without getting bogged down in details.

Hey, bog away. No one loves to get bogged down in details more than my

She's right. Bog away.

All right.

Well, in addition to the medical concerns, you know, I mean, couples

know, preferences.

Can we still do this?

Did you do this before?

yoga instructor.

Yeah, but he's just a lawyer.

Okay, that's a no.

How about this?

Oh, honey, remember this one? Remember how scared the dogs got?

Well, you know, actually, that shouldn't be a problem.

You know, in fact, you know, a lot of these are fine.

Great. So, honey, do you feel better? Much better.

You just want to avoid things like, you know, the...

And this, and oh, sweet Lord, this.

Wow.

Look at you.

You haven't seen anything yet.

Check this out.

Honey, are you comfortable?

Oh, yeah, great.

Is your arms are twitchy?

Yeah.

Honey,

come on down.

Come down here.

Did I hurt you?

No. Because you made a noise.

I always make that noise. It's a good noise.

Well, um, you know, maybe we should agree on some signal so I know the

difference between an oh and an ooh.

You don't think that would spoil the mood at all?

No, it might make things better. That way I don't have to keep second

Honey, we don't need signal.

It's you and me in bed together, remember?

I'm sorry.

See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Good morning, sweetie.

Morning, honey.

Oh, you made coffee. You betcha, I was...

Mmm, good.

Is it a new blend?

No, same blend.

Oh. Just made it stronger.

It's good. Yeah.

Well, I better go. Okay.

I'm sorry about last night, but we are doing the right thing taking our time.

Shh. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. Have fun at physical therapy.

Thank you.

Good.

Bye. See you later. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Okay.

How's it going on, Dharma?

No, not really. I just made the coffee a little stronger. Greg doesn't want to

have sex with me anymore.

Boy, you know, they warn people. about the dangers of caffeine, but it takes

something like this to make people sit up and take notice.

That's out of the earthquake survival kit from my trunk.

I felt a tremor.

Uh, sure, I guess. Uh, Pete, can you give us a minute?

No, no, no, no. It's nothing like that.

Dharma's very upset that you two didn't make love last night.

Abby, um, shouldn't this be between me and Dharma? Oh, I think this is one of

those that takes a village moment. No, I don't think it is.

Yeah, Dharma explained to me that you're very concerned about her safety.

But he feels you might be covering up for not finding her attractive.

What? Mm -hmm. I told her it could be a lot of things. I could... Did you have

trouble achieving an erection last night?

Abby, I find Dharma attractive.

You didn't answer the woman's question.

What would make Dharma think that I didn't find her attractive? You know,

very normal, Greg, because you've been her caregiver, and it's all very

clinical, and that can affect sexual feeling. I mean, imagine how difficult

was for Larry to dig me as a sexual being after watching a screaming baby

from my vagina.

Okay, thank you. I think I know how to handle this.

All right, good, good.

But if you need to talk about it some more, Greg, you come to me.

You're a lucky man. Not many men have a mother -in -law willing to share sexual

experiences.

And now try achieving an erection.

Time out. T .O. You can't call time out in electric football.

But there's a giant piece of granola bar in the field.

It's a crumb. Not to them.

You could turn an ankle on that.

I'm going to take this game back home. Oh, look, let's just go back to Fatigo.

No, you wouldn't play your man on the squares.

Look, war isn't fought according to rules printed on the back of a box top.

You're an army man, Ed. You know that.

Son of a gun.

Are these lawn darts? Hey, hey, hey, not so loud. They're against the law.

Let's throw some lawn darts.

You're on. Just give me a minute to get the chickens back in the coop. Okay.

Hi, boys.

Anyone win the chariot?

I know we're picking a game.

Larry,

you've been at this two days. If Edward really wants his chair back, don't you

think you should give it to him? No.

It's all right, Abby. We got an agreement, and we're just working out

details. See?

Yeah, Larry, what's the right thing to do here?

Oh, all right.

I'm sorry, Ed.

It's your chair.

You should have it.

I'll help you load it up.

Oh, well, all right.

Hey, Ed, do you want to stay for dinner?

Abby, can Eddie eat over?

It's okay with me if it's okay with Kitty.

No, no, no, I should get going.

I got a lot of things to do.

Edward doesn't seem very happy.

It's my fault, Abby.

I wouldn't let him be the thimble in Monopoly.

Wow, Laird, why did you want to be the thimble? I didn't. I just wanted to get

into his head.

A little champagne for milady?

Oh, milady. How milady.

Mm, men make fire.

Honey, I know what you're doing here.

What I'm doing here is spending time with the woman I love.

Okay, I just wish you didn't have to work so hard to get yourself in the

What are you talking about?

The fancy hotel room, the flowers, the fireplace.

Dharma, I'm a guy. Guys don't need this stuff to get in the mood. Guys need this

stuff to get girls in the mood.

What?

What gets guys in the mood is a beautiful, sexy woman like you.

Okay, did Abby talk to you? Because I told her not to. She did.

And as phenomenally uncomfortable as it was, I'm glad.

We stumbled a little bit the other night, but you've got to believe it's

because I don't find you desirable.

Honey, what else could it be?

I mean, you were all excited about sex when we talked on the phone the other

night, and then from the moment you saw me lying there, you did everything you

could to avoid me.

What could have possibly happened between the phone call and seeing me?

Man, I hope there weren't people in there.

Thelma, look what I did.

Okay, so you haven't been afraid of hurting me. You've been afraid of

me.

The report said I was reckless.

It was an accident.

Yeah, but I could have killed you.

Honey, I don't care what some report said. You are not reckless.

Okay, you want to talk about reckless?

Let's talk about how many times I've almost killed you.

What? Oh, yeah.

Remember the egg salad on our picnic at the Presidio?

The curried egg salad?

It wasn't curried. I left it in the trunk all day.

Or what about the time I duct taped the mirror over the bed?

Or what about that stray raccoon I brought home turned out to have rabies?

Remember? Foamy.

So you're really the problem here. And I always will be, and don't you forget

it.

Hey, look, it's our old back seat.

Gotcha.

I just meant, hey, look, it's our old backseat.

So do you want to go back to the hotel?

Absolutely.

Fire.

Men make fool of self.

A little bit. Yeah.