Original subtitles

Yeah!

Hey, let's put our stuff down and go dance then.

I've been working on my moonwalk.

That's very impressive, but you know, it's your first night home, so I rented

some movies, I made your mom veggie lasagna, and I stopped at your herbal

and I got you some healing incense.

You've got me healing incense.

Well, I had a little trouble understanding the woman, so it might be

that improves your hearing.

I'm so proud of my honey. He went to the scary hippie store because he loves me.

The lady who stands too close to you waited on me.

Surprise!

You made me a surprise party.

No, no, I didn't.

Darva, your tribe welcomes you home.

And so do Edward and I.

the police on ourselves and get this shindig. Shake it. Okay, everybody, this

a really nice idea, but what Dharma needs is a relaxing night of settling

No way, we have a 20 -pound vodka watermelon.

That could be very relaxing.

Watermelon will keep.

Oh, yeah, until Rosh Hashanah.

People, this is a woman who's just had major surgery. What she needs is to

You know, she does look a little tired.

Well, that's what I said. This is just too much for her. Too soon.

And she looked pale.

Well, I think that's just the unfortunate color she's wearing.

If you ask me, she looks overheated. You know, actually, she's feeling great.

She's probably thirsty.

Where is that vodka, Mellon?

Maybe she'd like some juice. People, what she needs is to rest. No, no, she

needs something in her stomach first. She won't want this lasagna.

Hey, here's a crazy idea. Why don't we ask her what she wants?

She sounds upset.

That's right.

She's tired.

All right, let's get her into bed. Yeah, yeah, I'll go change. Thank you very

much, Larry. Kitty, have you put on a little weight?

What? Yeah, see, you hear that?

Well, Marcy's all excited.

I got Lalit Shaduri to take over my yoga class.

Well, that's great. Look at this. The insurance company overpaid by $6 ,000.

Lalit the pretzel Shaduri.

From India.

He can comb his hair with his feet.

See, they sent the doctor a check, and they sent us a check.

How does this happen?

Here's one for you, Greg.

What's the point of everything?

Okay, why don't we start with your question?

You think you serve some purpose in this world, and it turns out you were just

keeping the seat warm until Lalit Chaudhuri walked in, probably on his

Listen, I know that this is all very frustrating, but it's temporary. You're

going to be walking again in a couple of weeks.

Why don't I light your east side serenity candle?

It stinks, Greg. The lady who stands too close saw you coming.

San Francisco Hospital Supply. Oh, great.

Got your bath rail and your shower stool.

Oh, can you also take a look at her wheelchair? The right side brake won't

Hello?

Oh, yes, thank you for getting back to me. I was just going over the bills, and

it looks like you guys made a little mistake.

Okay, any other problems?

I no longer serve a purpose in this world.

Uh -huh.

The armrest is loose. Oh.

You got any super glue?

Or the armrest, right?

Yeah.

Because, um, X, Y, T.

Excuse me?

You know, examine your zipper, but T.

Oh. Yeah.

Oh, great. This is probably been happening all day.

Wow.

The fella said I'd be able to swim with this.

Uh -huh. Maybe he meant alongside of it.

the toupee. Oh, no.

Yes, you are.

And you know what? Baldness is caused by having extra testosterone.

It's a sign of virility.

Ah, yeah.

I'll tell you what.

Women like bald men.

I don't think so, really.

Some of them.

I mean, more of them like bald men than men who are pretending to be something

they're not.

I mean...

Do you like women with those big fake breast implants?

Sure.

Well, my point is, you're a very handsome bald man.

Yeah. Come on, say it.

I'm a handsome bald man. Good.

What's going on?

I'm a handsome bald man.

Good.

So much, you know, for this. You're very welcome, Howard.

Did you see what just happened here?

Obviously not all of it.

I mean, I just helped that guy.

I mean, if we hadn't been in that accident, I never would have met him and

he would have spent the rest of his life with a dead weasel on his head.

I have been going to the same places and seeing the same people for years, but

now the universe is like shuffling the cosmic deck of cards.

So I was like the four of hearts hanging out between the six of spades and the

eight of clubs. Now I'm like chilling with the jack of diamonds. And that's

going to have some kind of an effect on his life.

See, that's the dharma I know.

You're finding the positive aspect in this, and I'm having a little trouble

understanding you. So great.

No. Listen, I'm going to call Jane to see if she can come sit with you while I

go work on this insurance thing. I don't need a babysitter.

Okay.

Well, then I'll just help you back into bed.

No, honey, we agree.

We're going to let me handle my recovery my way.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

All right, well, I have my pager on if you need me for anything. Okay. And you

can send a text message to the cell phone. The instructions are on the

Excellent. 80 character limit. Get out. I'm going.

Mr. Montgomery, I'm sorry you had to travel all the way down here. We really

should have been able to handle this over the phone. Did you get the name of

person you spoke with? Oh, it's not important. Well, it is to us.

Was it Mitzi or Steve?

Was it Linda?

It was Mitzi, wasn't it?

Clerical errors happen. I only want your company to pay what it's supposed to.

Say no more, Mr. Montgomery.

We know that insurance companies have a bad reputation, but we're working to

change that. We're the insurance company that's not afraid to say, we're sorry.

Uh -huh. Would you like some coffee, a cappuccino, espresso? No, they already

asked me. I'm sorry.

How much are we talking about? About $6 ,000.

Well, let's just cut you a check right now. No, no, no, I already have a check.

Oh, I see. Well, this will just take a second.

Yeah, Mrs. Lapkus, I have a Mr. Montgomery here, and he has a check for

Could you bring that down here in cash and some lemon squares?

No, I don't... Oh, no, pass on the lemon squares.

Okay.

Cadwell, you're not listening to me.

I'm so sorry.

Because we're the insurance company that listens.

I'm going to be as clear as I can be.

The anesthesiologist sent us a bill for $6 ,000.

You sent him a check, and then you sent us a check.

Excuse me.

I'm Mr. Walden, the area supervisor.

Is there a problem? No, sir. Everything is fine. This is Mr. Montgomery, and I'm

listening, and I'm sorry.

I don't want to make a big thing out of this, Mr. Walden, but truth be told, Mr.

Cadwell is not listening.

Wow.

Mr. Cadwell, why don't you get Mr. Montgomery a cappuccino and some lemon

squares? And while you're at it, take a minute to think about whether you really

belong in our can -do circle.

All right, Mr.

Montgomery. What seems to be the problem? And let me begin by saying,

sorry.

Look at all this exercise equipment.

I bet this place is crazy after work.

Hospital, Larry.

Oh, I bet this place is crazy after all.

Hi, Pete.

Oh, hey, sorry I'm late. Pete convinced me to spend my lunch hour playing tonsil

hockey.

It's fun in a hospital. You get to use other people's tonsils.

I'll see you tonight, all right?

How you doing?

Fifteen pounds, huh?

Well, I'm glad you would. Pete are hitting it off so well.

Having only met because I was in a car accident and needed physical therapy,

another cosmic card shuffling. I don't know why people have such trouble

believing in these things when the evidence is so clear.

Look, I am having fun with Pete, but I know the type. Just divorced, bad

furniture, answers the phone, yellow.

A guy like that doesn't want to get serious.

Oh, trust me.

This is going to get serious.

You know what? I'm running a little late. Do you mind waiting?

Why not?

I'm already waiting for a decent job and true love. This makes it a hat trick.

Wow, what's her story?

Oh, she's a mess.

Okay. She shatters her femur, so she comes here for therapy, right? And then

finds out her mom, who she hasn't spoken to in ten years, is upstairs dying.

And the mother wants nothing to do with her.

That's horrible.

Get to know her. You'll be on the mother's side.

Maybe that broken leg is going to be one of the best things that ever happened

to her.

Nice try, lady.

Next time, bring your A -game.

And I'm standing at the altar with Earl, and I'm looking for my mother, and she

never shows up.

Well, to be fair, Martha, it was your third wedding in five years. She was at

the first two.

She got married on a boat on purpose.

She knows I get nauseous.

Is that true? Do you know your mother gets nauseous?

Yes.

Abby, that's going to be Greg. Can you talk to him for a minute?

Hi, Greg. Hang on.

Gee, this is good. We're being honest. Let's keep going.

Okay.

I hate your hair. What were you thinking?

Can I use up all our honesty in one shot?

I'm sorry, Greg.

She's right here. We're still at the hospital.

Why? Is everything all right? Can I speak to her?

No, it's not a good time. She's working on reuniting a mother and daughter.

What?

All right, let's think back. When was the last time you two were happy

This is good. She's looking for points of commonality.

Abby, she's been gone all morning. She needs to come home and rest.

Just a minute, Greg.

Larry... No, no, not Larry, no.

Come on, there must be something.

We used to go out for banana splits at Rigby's.

Oh, yeah.

That was next to the store where we used to get your extra wide shoes.

Yes!

Okay, that's it. We're going out for ice cream and new shoes.

I told her that I would let her do things her way. But last night, she

out until 3 o 'clock in the morning. And why?

They went out for ice cream. And then they had to take their waitress to a

near San Jose so she could get over her fear of bats.

I'm sorry.

That's a hard habit for you to break, isn't it?

12 years down the drain.

Wow. You worked there 12 years?

No, 12 years sober.

My wrongful termination.

So, will you handle the case?

Well, it's the least I can do. I feel terrible about what happened.

I'll start by writing them a letter. That's usually enough to scare them.

I want to let you in on a little secret.

When they say, I'm listening, they're not.

I sense that.

Do you mind if I call my wife?

Yeah, I don't have a wife.

I hope this means you're napping.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Bye. So, if we send a threatening letter... You know what? She's not

She's probably out teaching gang members a square dance.

I gotta go. I will call you tomorrow.

No, no, let me by.

I've been calling.

I'm sorry, there's a lot of people. It's hard to hear the phone. Why are there a

lot of people?

Okay, I told Martha that I would sneak a pizza into her mom at the hospital.

Martha? Yeah, Florence's daughter from the family I reunited. Oh, of course.

Yeah, and that's when it hit me.

Disabled people in vans taking food to shut -ins. Meals on wheels. On wheels.

It gives people in wheelchairs a chance to help.

And the sick people don't have some healthy person bringing them lunch. Oh,

healthy and you're not.

Yep.

Sorry, Martha.

You were just in an accident. You can't go delivering food in your wheelchair.

I have to go. That's how we get good parking spaces. No, no.

Honey, if you don't slow down, you're not going to get better.

This is how I'm going to get better.

We talked about this. You said you were going to let me do this my way. Yes, and

that's when I thought your way was candles and incense and all that crap.

Well, guess what? It's all this crap.

Okay. You know what? I give up.

I've got to go take a deposition. Here is my telephone and my walkie -talkie

my pager. Thank you.

Other people call me.

Is Greg okay?

Yeah, he just doesn't understand the power of what's going on here.

Well, hey, I'm a believer. Because of Dharma, I may have met a man I could

marry. I'm not surprised.

Yeah, I guess it works for me, too.

If everybody hadn't come together to help Dharma with the free lunch thing.

Wouldn't have had a chance for a little sex with the ex.

You see? Good for you.

Can you go get me some more of these brown bags from the kitchen?

You're sleeping with Pete?

Well, he was bragging about this new girlfriend and how he was getting some.

You know how sexy that makes a guy.

Some coffee?

It's possible that maybe you and Pete are just taking this whole thing a

too fast. I mean, whatever happened, did you have fun?

Dharma, you're the one who said to jump in with both feet.

Well, I meant like when you do the hokey pokey. You know, you put both feet in

and then you take them out and turn yourself about.

Well, hope you're happy, Dharma.

That was my mother and I'm in hell.

Hang on.

What? I thought things were going so great.

They were when she was dying, but I just found out she's going to pull through.

Now she's moving in with me.

Her favorite daughter, thank you very much.

Tomorrow a man's coming over to my apartment to remove the wallpaper she

And I'm supposed to be there because apparently he's single and not picky.

That creep.

You mean that creep?

Hey, Nance.

Thank God I never have to hear eat, eat, eat again.

Hey, want to hear a funny coincidence?

you were cheating on her?

Sounds about right.

Why?

I panicked. All of a sudden she started saying stuff like, you know, we were

meant for each other and let's jump in with both feet.

It's all water under the bridge now.

Yeah, I guess I'm all yours, kid.

How is that a turn on? Call me when you're seeing someone.

I think your muffins are burning.

Hey, Jane, I don't make noises like that, do I?

I came back. This is ridiculous and I'm not going to do it anymore.

You're in a wheelchair. You need to rest and you need to let me take care of

you.

Okay.

I really tried to believe it, but I'm not sure that guy looked better bald.