Original subtitles

Tiny people of Holland, do not fear me.

Hand over your wooden shoes and none of you will be harmed.

Dharma. Yeah, hon?

Trying to putt here.

Sorry.

He needs it to be quiet during golf and sex.

You know to fuck it.

It's a shame your parents couldn't have joined us for Larry's birthday.

Yeah, we thought this would be perfect for them. Ed loves golf and Kitty loves

traveling. Maybe they can join us later.

We're going down to Fisherman's Wharf for some fried clams and foosball.

Well, you know, as much as my folks love spending time with you, they're less,

you know, clams and foosball and more oysters and bridge.

We like bridge. We love bridge.

Yeah, maybe we should play with them sometime.

Sure, invite them over. A little bridge, some homemade wine, maybe a dip in the

hot tub. Make an evening of it.

Yeah, we'll give them a call.

Hey, look who you just did. Yeah.

Oh, forget bridge.

Picture the four of them in a hot tub together.

Thank you for that.

Hello?

Ray, how the hell are you?

What? You're kidding.

Well, where are you right now?

Well, turn around. The brick building with the fire escape, that's us.

Hold on a second. Honey, it's my old friend Ray Palmer from law school.

He's on the corner.

Hey, Ray, you hungry? We got buzzard.

having buzzard.

You know what? We could be.

Come on up. We're 6B.

I haven't seen Ray in years. He was such a cut -up. He used to do this great

impression of our torts professor.

I don't teach in your kitchen, Mr. Montgomery. Please don't eat in my

Well, you'd have to see Ray.

I don't know. Yours is pretty good.

Oh, look, I should tell you, Ray's a little person.

What do you mean?

Well, he's little. He's a little person.

Why do I need to know that?

Well, you know, so you're not surprised.

Do you think I have a problem with little people?

No. Because, you know, I come from a very culturally diverse background,

I was raised with people of every race and creed and height. I know. I

have said anything. I mean, when our commune put on West Side Story, our

was Asian, our Bernardo was Native American, and I played Tony.

I'm sure you were very good.

I mean, no offense, honey, but if there's anyone here who should be

around people who are different, I think it's you.

I'll try to be careful.

Mr. Montgomery, I don't let you in your bed. Why are you sleeping in my class?

Great to see you. You too. This is my wife, Kate.

Hi, Kate. Nice to meet you. This is my wife, Dharma. Hi. Come on in. Can I hang

up your coats? I think that's something the Palmers would enjoy doing for

themselves. Um, no, not really.

All right, then. Hang them up, just as a courtesy.

Come, sit down. Yeah, have a seat. Have a seat.

So, uh, what brings you to town?

Kate's here for a dental convention, and we're out walking around, and I see the

street sign. And I said, I think this is where Greg lives. This is great. I am

so glad to see you. Oh, we both are. We're both completely glad to see you.

Thank you.

So you're a dentist?

Oral surgeon.

Really? Wow, that must present some challenges.

No, not really. Give your patients enough nitrous. They let you stand on

chest.

Honey, would you like to help me open a bottle of wine for our guest?

Okay. He holds the bottle, I pull till the thing we do.

I'll be right back.

She seems nice.

Story is, his mother hates her.

See, honey, that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. What?

That much presents some challenges.

The woman can't be four feet tall. I mean, it's a legitimate question.

Honey, it's height.

Height? Height.

She made a joke about it. He laughed.

That's a coping mechanism for an intolerant world. No, it's not.

Don't feel bad that you're not sensitive to these kind of things. I had the

advantage of being raised in a completely prejudiced, free,

environment. I know. You played Tony. I was a great Tony.

Hey, listen, Ray. If Kate's tied up all week with her convention, what do you

say you and I go down to the new stadium and see the Giants? Oh, Greg.

Kitchen.

I couldn't sleep.

What's going on?

I feel like I ruined your whole night with your friends.

I wouldn't say ruined. Oh, come on. I made you apologize for asking if Kate

short for Catherine.

That was odd.

Look, honey, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but, you know, trying

so hard to treat them like they're not different is ignoring who they are.

You know, in a way, it might even be another form of prejudice.

Wow.

I never thought about it that way before.

Oh, prejudice?

No, I didn't say that. Why did you say prejudice?

What I meant to say was, you know, it's 2 a .m., you're not prejudiced, come to

bed.

You think you know yourself. You think.

Hey, can you at least call Ray and Kate and tell them I'm not crazy?

Yeah. I might better wait till the morning. It'll give me a little more

credibility.

Well, what was I supposed to say? The man called and said, do you play bridge?

said, yes. He said, how about Thursday?

I said, I'll have to check with Kitty.

I said to you, would you like to play bridge on Thursday? You said that would

nice. I assumed you meant with the Biedermeiers. I meant with the

I know that now.

Well, stay on the ball with these things, because now we have to play

with the Finkelstein.

Oh, there you are. I hope you don't mind we let ourselves in. Yes, well,

was the door unlocked?

Not the front door, but those French doors around back by the garden were.

Well, all right, you're here.

Let's do this.

We should warn you.

We were the 1973 Berkeley sit -in bridge champions for two weeks running.

Would have been longer if we'd had gas masks.

Duly warned. Shall we?

All right, let's draw to see who deals. Wait.

First, let's cut to see who draws.

I'm going to need a drink.

Wait a second.

Kitty, give me your hand.

Blessed Mother Earth.

I would just celebrate one of your most precious gifts, chance.

And as we play this game of bridge, let it be a bridge of friendship and of

love.

Amen. Amen.

From now on, I, and only I, will answer the phone.

Really nice of your friends to give me a second chance.

Are you sure this is what we want to be doing with them?

Absolutely.

You were right. Ignoring their difference is a form of prejudice. We

celebrating their difference.

With miniature golf.

Exactly. Think they'll get it?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi, tiny friends.

Are you ready to play a tiny sport?

I'm sorry?

Ray, what do you say we let the little woman play first, yeah?

Another rubber for us is 500 points.

So, the final score for the night is Finkelstein, 1 ,600, Montgomery's, 300.

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

330.

Thank you.

Maybe next time we shouldn't keep score.

Well, I think this was pretty much a one -time deal.

Let me get your coats and ponchos, and we'll see you Thanksgiving.

Nonsense, Edward.

What about a little rematch? What do you say to tomorrow night?

Oh, Kitty, I don't know. What, are you afraid your luck won't hold out?

No, no, I don't think we can get a babysitter.

Well, then, Edward and I will come to your place.

We will?

Absolutely.

Okay, I'll make a pot of tofu gumbo. Well, that sounds lovely.

It does?

Our place it is, hot tubs afterwards, losers wash the winners' backs.

Ah, well, we'll see you tomorrow, then.

We will?

They left.

Why? Well, Kate said something about not feeling well, but... But what?

Well, come on, Dharma.

Every word out of your mouth was about how little they are.

I was just making a few jokes to show that I was comfortable.

Tiny people of Egypt. I always do that when I play miniature gold.

It's okay. They're leaving town in a couple of days. I'll talk to Ray. It'll

fine.

No, it won't be fine. I got a problem, honey.

I don't judge people by the content of their character. I judge them by the

length of their inseam.

Come on, let's go home.

I wonder if there's a support group I can join.

I wonder if there's a support group I can join.

Yeah, hi.

I'm wondering if you can recommend a support group for me.

Oh, no, I'm not an alcoholic.

I'm sure you hear that a lot.

No, I have a problem with little people.

Do I see them when I'm drinking?

No, I'm talking about real little people.

I'm calling you because I need help. I'm prejudiced.

All right, fine. How much would I have to drink to come to one of your

What are you doing?

I'm seeking help, Greg.

I've got a lot of years of twisted thinking to undo, and I've got to tear

down to the very foundation, examine the rotted wood that I'm made out of, and

then build myself back up.

I was going to ask you if you wanted to have lunch, but it sounds like you've

got a pretty full day.

It's a good thing you didn't agree to strip rich, because right now you'd be

buck naked and not share pension.

Barry, don't gloat. Kitty and Edward are our guests.

Sorry. Hey, you guys are doing great.

Thank you.

Uh -oh. I'm afraid that's it for the solar panels. We should probably switch

over to the windmill.

Come on. I'm going to need a boost.

What is the matter with you?

What? I'm not going to give him a boost. I've got a bad back.

She bid hard. I bid safe.

He bid hard. You bid hard?

How many hearts do you think there are in the deck?

Here's one for you. What's in this gumbo?

Edward, do not lose to these people anymore.

Then we'd better stop playing with them.

What are we going to do, just give up? So they're good at bridge. We can afford

store -bought electricity.

I don't think there's enough wind to heat the hot tub. Oh, that's a shame.

Kitty was looking forward to it. She's quite the hot tubber.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You know, I don't know how much longer the lights are going to last either.

Maybe we should just call it a night.

Nonsense! You're the sort of people who have drawers full of candles. Light them

up and let's play bridge.

Okay.

Do you have anything stronger than wine?

You mean to drink?

See, I have a... problem with little people, and I thought by working in a

men's clothing store, it might get me comfortable with them, you know? Spend

some time in the culture, acclimate myself.

And you want to do that here?

I think so. Do you get real little people in here? Because that guy's like

'2", and you're what, 5 '5"? 5 '6". My problem is with guys like this.

See, I look at him, and I don't see him as a real person.

That's good. You know, I think my partner might have hired someone this

I'm sorry to waste your time.

I get what's going on here.

You don't want to hire me because I'm tall. You have a problem with tall

Okay, I'm going to give you my number because I'm trying to start a support

group for people with height issues, and I think you'd fit in.

Howie, I need you down here on the sales floor, please.

How tall's Howie?

Forget the pants. I've got a problem.

Hey, where's Dad? We're supposed to play golf. I don't know, darling. Would you

come and sit here?

Why? Just sit here.

Here you go.

Now, just take the cards and...

Oh, that's been there for years.

Please tell me you're not resorting to this. I don't know what you're talking

about.

Oh, sir.

Well, I wouldn't have to do this if your father would pay attention to the

cards. Well, is it possible that the Finkelsteins are just better card

Nonsense. It's your father.

I love him, but frankly, as a bridge partner, he's Deadwood.

Oh, there you are, son. Whose card do you want to take?

Edward.

I do not want you to play golf. I want you to take a nap.

I don't want to take a nap. This is not up for discussion.

I want you to be sharp tonight for our game with the Finkelsteins. I'm not

tired.

Edward, I warn you, if we don't win tonight, you can say goodbye to your

Calypso records.

You wouldn't dare.

Daylight come and me want to win, Edward.

I have to take a rain check on the golf, son.

Want to go take a nap?

No, that wouldn't help. I'm going to fix myself a rum and coke and say goodbye

to Harry Belafonte.

Hey, thanks for helping us out, guys. Sure, no problem.

I told Kitty our sitter was sick, but she sure likes her bridge.

More than you know.

like somebody's having a little trouble getting to sleep. Would you give me a

hand, Dermot? Sure, I love Harry. And he's only, what, 20, 25 inches tall?

Listen, Larry, do you enjoy playing bridge with my parents?

It's not much of a challenge.

To keep it interesting, every time I take a break, I try to find a different

bathroom in their house.

Check out these little soaps.

Downstairs powder room.

Master bath.

And this is from the one off of Ed's study.

Smell, it's bayberry.

Listen, um... Why don't you just let my parents win tonight?

What? You mean take a dive?

Well... Because Larry Finkelstein does not take a dive.

Nowhere, no how, for nobody.

Let me tell you a little story, Greg.

The temple where I took my bar mitzvah classes was in an Italian neighborhood.

I think you can see where this is going.

Not really, no.

All right, well, there was some teasing.

Some yarmulke keep away.

Finally, we told them we had enough. We were going to settle this thing once and

for all with a game of stickball. And on the day of the big game, my friend

Benny says to me, you know, if we win, they're probably going to kill us.

Right then and there, we decided to take a dive. And there was no shame in it,

Greg. Some of those guys were huge.

Tony Abruzzio started shaving when he was nine.

What's your point?

I'm sorry, I forgot the original question.

Will you take a dive so this bridge thing will stop?

Oh, sure, no problem.

I don't know why we had to go through that hole, McGill, to get there.

Larry, I want you to hear this.

Go ahead, Dharma.

I was just saying to Abby that I've been struggling with this prejudice that I

have toward little people and my instinct is to be so careful about what

that I can barely talk around them. Now I've gotten to the point where I don't

even want to be around little people.

Oh, Dharma.

We don't call them little people.

What do we call them?

People. You know there's no little people, there's no black people, there's

yellow people, there's no men, there's no women, there's just life.

Ever -changing, ever -flowing.

When you think about it, as a random collection of molecules and spiritual

energy, we're no different from these sunflower seeds for this table.

Oh, wow, that is so true.

Okay, I think I'm starting to see where this went south for me.

You know, the notion that south is down is a Eurocentric conceit.

There's another piece of the puzzle.

You know, you guys, why don't you just go and have a great time?

Okay, you sure you don't want to talk more about this? No, I need to do some

soul -searching.

Have fun. We'll take care of little Harry.

Ah, ah, ah. Come on, he's little.

You see what she's getting us from. I think I have thought it the way he was

raised.

Another game for us. That's 120 points.

Day -oh.

1 ,200 points for our Grand Slam.

Day -oh.

All right, then. Total is Montgomery's 2 ,200 points.

Finkelstein's 800 points.

Daylight come and it's time you go home.

We should go. It's been a nice evening. Thanks.

Well, it couldn't have been that nice. You lost.

Yeah, here's my thinking. We come back next week and we play for money.

I like it.

I shouldn't, but I do.

Hi,

I'm sorry. I should have called first, but I didn't think you'd want to talk to

me and I really need to talk to you.

What is it? I just want to apologize from the bottom of my heart for

you guys. I was raised with this crazy theory of how you treat other people,

I guess I was trying to overcompensate.

Anyway, I'm really sorry, and I understand why you left.

We didn't leave because of you.

Well, why did you leave?

We were flirting with that woman in the foursome in front of us.

What?

How do I say this?

Our marriage is falling apart.

I just can't keep up the happy face.

Oh, wow, I feel so much better.

I'm sorry to bother you.

Thank you.

Did you want to talk about this marriage thing?

Yeah, I guess I had that coming.