Original subtitles

I don't know how I let her talk me into this. Oh, come on. Like every guy, does

he secretly dream of being in a mother -son fashion show?

You're not helping.

I'm not trying to.

Oh, Gregory.

Oh, look at you. You look dumb.

What do you think, dumb? I think you should open with Love Will Keep Us

and save muskrat love for the encore.

You know you don't have to stay.

Oh, like I'd miss this.

honey. One day we'll look back on this and I'll buy it.

Gregory,

put your hat on.

Do you notice anything about the other participants?

Yes, I don't think any of them put the thought into their outfits that we did.

Put your hat back on.

Hey, mister, I got a funny PlayStation for doing this. What did you get?

Now put your hat back on. Goodbye, Mother. Have a wonderful luncheon.

Oh, Grigory, what are you doing? You are embarrassing me.

I'm embarrassing you? Did you know that this thing was for little kids?

It was open to sons of all ages.

I'm sorry, Mother, but you do not take other people's feelings into

consideration when you do these things. What are you talking about? I let you

pick the cruise wear theme.

Gregory has developed some stage fright.

Oh, you should have seen Nicholas Yoder. He threw up in his piss helmet.

I do not have stage fright.

I just don't like being afloat in my mother's look -at -me parade.

Gregory, this has nothing to do with me. This is about charity. None of these

things are about charity. They're excuses for idle rich women to show off

new clothes.

Gregory, these charity events are my life's work. And isn't that a shame,

Mother?

Hey, you guys missed it. The Yoda kid forgot. Put his hat back on.

Hey, Mr. Man.

Want to do something you haven't done in a while?

Sure.

Call your mother.

No. It's been a week, Greg. You can't just never speak to her again. Sure.

People do it all the time. My cousin Frank hasn't talked to his mother in ten

years. Is that the cousin who boils his house keys every night?

It's not because he stopped talking to his mother. It's because he didn't stop

soon enough.

Greg, you and Kitty are just starting to deal with stuff. You guys need to talk.

Karma, I'm handling this the way that I want to handle it.

Come on, Greg. You're being silly.

Fine.

You want me to call my mother? Mm -hmm.

Do you want me to tell her that... Her narcissism destroyed any hope I had of

being a normal, functioning human being, that I survived my childhood despite

her, not because of her, that I used to pray that my father would run off with

his secretary who used to give me butterscotch candies and that they'd

with them and that we'd live happily ever after. Should I tell her that?

All right. You know what, honey? You're going to handle this the way you want to

handle it.

You should respect that.

Thank you.

to be here.

What's so important we couldn't talk about it on the phone? I guess it's

something you have to see.

What?

Look at these baby pictures. They're great. Isn't it cute?

You said this wasn't about Gregory. I had to, otherwise you wouldn't have

up. And look, here's the two of you at his high school graduation.

You got a bad case of red eye there, but they make a pen for that now.

Dama, I know you think you are helping, but Gregory and I will handle this

matter in our own way.

What, you have a plan?

When he is ready to apologize, I might be ready to listen.

Is there a plan B?

Yes. We stop talking about it and we order lunch.

Ah, hello. Oh, hi, Dora. Hi, David.

They got you working days now? Yeah, they let me switch because I'm doing my

play again. Oh, good for you.

Is your mother going to come see it? Oh, she hasn't missed one yet. Aw.

Isn't that the way it should be, mother and son?

She kind of warms up those heart cockles.

Hi, David. Kitty Montgomery.

Pleased to meet you. Pleased to meet you. And may I just say that that is an

absolutely beautiful symptom.

Why, thank you.

Is it Pierre Legros?

Oh, yes, it is.

You have a very good eye. Well, you know, I love his vent stuff. Aha.

You know he's having a trunk show tomorrow.

He's not. Mm -hmm, he is.

My invitation only, but I actually may be able to sneak you in.

I would love that.

Well, isn't that something Greg might like to go to? No, it isn't. No, it

Who's the little graduate there? That's her son.

Her only son.

Really? I don't believe that. You don't look old enough to have a son graduating

from high school.

David, why don't you join us?

I would, but I've seen the kitchen.

Dharma's not here.

No, we're not here to see Dharma. We're here to see you.

Dharma told us you had a falling out with your mom because you showed up at

deal wearing the same outfit.

That's not exactly what happened.

More or less.

Greg, come here.

part of a person's well -being.

Now, that force doesn't literally have to come from one's mother. The earth can

be a mother. A sister can be a mother.

A father could be a mother. When there's two fathers, certainly one of them is

the mother.

Or both.

Sorry, I can't do this right now.

All we're here to say, Greg, is that while you have this void in your life,

Larry and I are here for you as a mother.

A mother and a father.

Two mothers.

But the important thing to remember is you only have one mother.

And you owe it to yourself to make peace with her. Make her your friend.

Absolutely. And it might take them doing.

I mean, my mom has never been overly fond of Abby.

But once I realized it was pointless to defend Abby, Mom and I were friends

again.

What do you mean it was pointless to defend Abby? I'm just telling Greg it's

easy to go along with her.

Like if his mom said, Dama looks ridiculous wearing those hippie outfits

age. Instead of fighting with her, he could say, Sure, Ma, you're right.

Argument over.

Everybody's happy.

Your mother thinks I look ridiculous?

Who told you that?

Anybody want coffee? No, thank you, Greg. You only speak to this woman two

a year, and you can't even defend me just a little bit. What are you talking

about? My mother loves you. Yeah, but she thinks I look ridiculous.

Where do you get this stuff?

She'd rather I look like her in lilac running suits.

Now, when you talk like that, you start to sound like her.

Don't even go there, Myron Lawrence Finkelstein.

I'm not the bad guy here. I'm the peacemaker.

You know, Ronald Reagan called his missiles peacemakers.

Calling my mother Ronald Reagan?

Hey, Norma.

What are you doing here? Well, you told Kitty I had an extra ticket to the

theater, and she figured it was some kind of a ploy to put her and Greg

together.

She thought that, huh?

Yeah, well, she's paranoid.

Anyway, I didn't want you sitting in the theater by yourself.

Hey, darling.

Pete, what are you doing here?

Well, Greg figured the extra theater ticket was a trick to get him together

his mom.

He did, huh?

But I've never seen The Lion King.

You've never seen The Lion King?

Oh, this thing's terrific.

And it's not just people in big costumes. It's songs and dancing. It's a

production.

Have a nice time.

Oh, so everyone's smarter than Dharma.

Hey, hello, son. Oh, good, you made it. You missed a heck of a play the other

night. Pete told me.

I got your T -shirt.

This will be fun, huh?

You bet.

Dad, I'm glad that my little problem with mother isn't going to affect our

relationship. Hey, what goes on between you and your mother is your business.

Nothing comes between you and me.

Thank you.

Sure.

Oh, by the way, I can only play nine. She thinks I'm out buying shoes.

I understand.

And we should probably get to it because I'm going to have to pick up a pair of

shoes on the way home.

Good thinking.

Actually, that should take some time.

I have a very narrow foot.

I never noticed.

You know what?

I should probably get going now.

Let's do this again sometime.

Okay, I'm all dressed. Going to your mom's country club luncheon without you.

Have fun.

You know, I could wait an extra five minutes if you want to throw on a

maybe some shoes.

I'm not going.

Okay, fine.

See you later. Bye.

You know, if you're hoping this is going to make your mom change or be a better

person or apologize to you, it's not going to happen. I'm not hoping for

anything. Come on!

Donna, don't you get it?

My mother doesn't care about anybody's feelings so long as she looks good.

so get over it.

Why is it up to me? Because you're younger, you can take it. That is

No, it isn't. It is your job to forgive your mother. It was her job to forgive

her mother, and if we have kids, it'll be their job to forgive us.

And by us, I mean you.

Hi, Ma.

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah, the baby's great.

Yeah, Dharma's great.

You know, Abby's great, too.

I know you didn't, Ma.

I just thought you should know that Abby's great.

She's been great since the day I met her.

It means just what I said.

Abby's great, and I don't think you should run her down the way you've been

doing.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Well, no, of course I don't like it when she does that.

Nobody likes that.

But I don't say anything about it, and neither should you.

Well, I know you do, Ma, but I can't bring the baby to Florida without Abby.

Because she's breastfeeding.

No, I don't think a 50 -year -old woman breastfeeding is ridiculous.

Unusual? Sure.

Yeah, a bit of sugar.

Hi.

Hi. Oh, you look lovely, dear. Thank you. You too, Kitty. And Edward, never

lovelier. You know, I feel lovely.

here, but, um... Well, he's just a big stubborn ass, and I don't know where he

gets it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Oh, charity. What are we carrying? What are we eating?

Well, it says melon balls on this thing. I hope that's an appetizer, not a

disease.

Hey,

look who's here.

Hi, Dharma. Are you working the party? No, David is joining us. Hello, dear.

Hello, dear.

Oh, good. You've gone back to Chanel No. 5. Oh, you were right. I don't know

what I was thinking.

Too much?

Perfect. Hello, Edward.

David.

Oh, you guys have been hanging out together?

Oh, every minute I can. Your mother -in -law is an amazing woman.

Oh, stop. Oh, stop yourself. It's true. I can't keep up with her. I mean, just

look at what she does. She keeps a beautiful home. She looks stunning.

Yes. And somehow she managed to put together this entire luncheon in just

weeks. You tell me how she does it, because I just don't know.

Well, I had a lot of help. I had a couple of notions. Oh, wonderful.

Oh, stop.

I know you stop.

Oh, there's Vicki Biedermeier.

Remember I told you about her son, airline management? You know what? You

not going to be happy until you fix me up, will you? No, I will not.

So there's no point in fighting. Who's fighting?

Let's invite her son to your place.

Let's get a picture first.

Wow.

Yeah.

So what, she's a...

fight with Greg, and then she just goes out and replaces him?

Well, in Kitty's defense, we've been through a dozen gardeners, and this is

our second son.

Please tell me this isn't going to be like the last performance art thing you

took me to.

Oh, you mean audience?

You didn't like audience?

Dharma, we were the only ones there. The actors sat on the stage for an hour and

a half and watched us.

Clearly, you didn't understand it.

And no, this is not like that. David does all these characters, and there's

music and jokes. You'll love it. Fine.

Oh, what is she doing here?

Who? My mother.

Oh, she met David at the restaurant. They've become friendly.

Did you know she was going to be here?

I don't know. I guess I might have known. Oh, this is just great. Great.

is a friend of mine, and I'm not going to change the way I live my life just

because you're having a problem with your mom. Fine. Fine.

Hi, Kitty and Ed.

Hello, Dava.

Dad?

What the boy thought?

In a country club not so far away, but certainly out of touch, there was the

lady. The lady who loved.

And welcome to our annual charity fundraising talent show.

Now, please remember that all the performers you will see here on stage

are just us gals from the country club.

So, even though we may not be rich and talented, like to our husbands, we

certainly are rich.

Oh, stop.

Oh, stop. Who's he supposed to be?

I'm not sure, but it's a beautiful outfit.

Tonight, we will be raising money to provide small vacation homes for the

moderately wealthy.

We're all familiar with the tragedy of single -parent homes.

But nobody talks about the tragedy of single -homed parents.

Stop.

Stop.

See this person hanging out with my mother?

I know, I know, I know. I know what you're all thinking. You're all thinking

yourself, when is this beautiful, elegant, selfless woman going to stop

and start singing?

Well, right now.

Two, three, four.

You know, I think he sounds a little like you.

Here's to the ladies who lunch.

Everybody laughs.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Lounging in their caps and planning a brunch.

Ha ha ha ha.

We have a right. Although between you and me, I thought that damn swan would

never die.

Well, we've had ourselves a good time tonight.

But what's most important is that we raise money for those that's fortunate

enough. Which really, when you come to think about it, it's pretty much

everybody else.

Well, thank you. Good night.

This is the worst experience of my life.

It's opening night.

We'll come back another time when he's got all the cakes worked out.

I'll go get the car.

How are you doing? Oh, I'm all right.

Well, in a way, it was kind of flattering. You were the star.

Oh, I was the joke.

Is that how people see me?

Not if they know you.

You're just saying it.

Mother, there are some things that you and I will never agree on.

Some of your causes, I just, I don't get.

Which one?

I don't know.

Teaching tap dancing to homeless people.

How about tap -tap?

Just, I don't get it, but my point is I do know something about you that this

David guy will never understand.

That you care about people and that you work hard to make a difference.

Well, thank you. I mean it, and I'm very sorry for the things that I said.

Apology accepted.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, stop.

Sorry.

You don't get the oh, stop thing, do you?

Yes, I don't.

Oh, Gordon.

Well, I think we should go backstage and congratulate David.

That's very big of you, Mother.

Well, if he's going to do me, he should do me right.

He's much too fidgety with his hands. I'm not a hummingbird. No, you're not.

No, I'm very modest in my movements. Yes, you are.

I'm actually a reserved person.

You'll get no argument from me.

Sorry I'm late. Come on, we'd better hurry.

Yeah, I hate to miss the overture. I hear the understudy's going to be

Simba. No.

Give him a chance. This is the guy we saw fill in for Warthog.

We loved him. Oh, you're right. He was terrific.