Original subtitles

Have you seen my other captain's bar? Oh, sure. Here, honey.

I can't believe you're using my captain's bars to hold up a Love Is

I can't believe I put this up for you three months ago and you never noticed

But then, love is loving his fault.

These are official captain's bars. Honey, you're only in the Army Reserves

weeks out of the year. The other 50, they're assigned to the Thumbtack

Okay, but just so you know...

These are official captain's books. Yes, they are.

Okay, listen. Hey, while I got you here, what do you think about if we knock out

this wall and put in a pass -through window? You know, maybe a countertop and

bar stools on the other side. It'd be great for puppet shows.

But we could eat there, too, right? Or both.

Dinner theater.

That's probably Pete.

All right.

I guess this has been up long enough.

Ooh, mock tuna salad. That sounds good.

Hi, Pete.

Well, look at that. It's young Elvis.

Thank you. Is that my paperwork for the plane? Hey, hey, hey. Not so grabby,

Joe. Wear my chocolate and nylons first.

Pete, don't bop that. I don't want to go off to war or a virgin thing. That's

how he got me.

Man, I wish somebody would have said something last night.

Did you get somebody to water the plants and pick up the mail at the office?

How many times are you going to ask me that?

Take care of it tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

Do I smell cinnamon buns?

No. You mind if I check?

Go ahead.

Hey, how come they're going to close the office down while you're gone? Because

I'm not going to be here. But your partner will be here. Not if he smells

imaginary cinnamon buns.

I think it was the cereal.

Do you mind if I have some? But in there. Do not walk around with it.

Okay.

How is Pete ever going to feel confident as a lawyer if you close the office

every time you leave town?

Dharma, I love Pete.

But he's not going to feel confident as a lawyer because he's not a good lawyer.

Because you're not giving him a chance.

Look, I know you see Pete as a wobbly little baby bird, but maybe he's a

majestic eagle just perched on a cliff waiting to soar.

I do not see Pete as a wobbly little baby bird.

You guys don't want this temporary tattoo thing, do you?

No.

You know, Pete, I've been thinking, maybe we should keep the office open

I'm gone.

I'll get somebody to take care of the plants.

LP, Greg wants you to take care of everything while he's gone.

All by myself?

Sure. I mean, there's no reason why you shouldn't. I'm sure you'll do a great

job.

All by myself?

Yeah, we'll talk about it on the way to the airport.

I'll call you when I get there.

I'll wait for you, my soldier boy, no matter how long you're gone.

Starma, it's two weeks.

Oh, well, then I can't make any promises.

Love you.

Love you, too.

I gotta tell you, Greg.

I'm not real comfortable running the office all by myself. Pete, you'll be

You'll do a great job.

You do remember I went to law school in the Caribbean on a high -life

scholarship.

Dharma.

What are you doing?

Pass through a window.

We just talked about this.

That's nice. I mean, it really opens the room up.

Any suggestions?

I don't know. I used to blame stuff like this on my little brother.

I want a pass -through here. I want to stick my head through this hole and say,

who wants pie?

I never have pie.

Because I don't have a pass -through.

Now, come on. You know about this stuff. What do I do?

Well, you got to reroute all the water and the gas.

This looks like the main trunk to a phone line.

You know what? Why don't I give you a hand? We can knock this out in two,

days. A week, if you pay me.

Thanks, but this is my project. Besides, Greg wants you to handle things at the

office. Well, I don't think so. He took the key to the big file cabinet.

Really? That's weird.

Not that weird. I bet next time he leaves, he locks up your tools.

This envelope tastes terrible.

It's a vegan glue.

Made out of turnips.

Tastes like feet.

Hey, you guys, my friend Pete is a really great lawyer, and he doesn't have

lot of cases right now, so I'm thinking if anyone needs any help with the legal

problem.

Anyone ticked off or cheesed off or got their panties in a knot or a bunch or a

lot? Yeah, okay.

Somebody needs to sue the United States government for the suppression of alien

medical technology.

Okay, that's a possibility.

What else we got? Claire, can you say, Will, what have you heard?

also might have meant that Clara was going to take a long trip to see her

parents. My parents are dead.

I'm just learning tea leaves.

Hey, Marcy, do you need a lawyer for any reason?

Uh, no.

Dharma, I know you're trying to help Pete, but lawsuits just divide people

instead of bringing them together.

Remember, law spelled backwards is wall.

Right, Dharma. Besides, everything with me is great.

What happened to your arm?

Oh, nothing really. I was on my way to shower at the Y because my landlord

temporarily turned off our hot water a few months ago.

And I had to take the bus because the steering wheel on my new car, well, it

keeps coming off.

And anyway, I was getting off the bus and the driver accidentally closed the

door on my arm and dragged me not far.

Maybe a block.

That was you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you. I would have waved.

What do you think, Abby?

Well, obviously, we can sue those people.

I don't want to make any trouble. I mean, my brother -in -law told me the

and the bus driver was very apologetic, and I think he might ask me out.

Why don't we go after your landlord?

Any particular feelings you have towards him? Well, no, I only met him that one

time when he came over to remove all the smoke detectors.

I got a lawyer for you.

Oh, can we take the bus? Because I think it's important to get back on the

horse.

So we have a case, right?

Yeah, probably.

If I were you, I'd get myself a lawyer.

Seems Marcy would like you to handle it. Me?

All by myself?

You know, this really isn't that important.

Marcy?

Let's do the bastard.

Come on, Pete. What do we do first?

Well, all right.

Hang on.

Let me check something.

Landlord.

The wheels of justice are turning.

Landlord's one word, right?

And Phil.

All right.

Hey, Marlene, quick question. What kind of forms do you need if your landlord

turned off your hot water and you want to sue him?

Well, first you file a complaint with the court. Then you file a motion for

mandatory injunction seeking equitable relief for the matter outlined in the

complaint.

Thanks.

Okay, I'm just riffing here, but, um... What if we filed a complaint with the

court and then filed a motion for mandatory injunction seeking equitable

for the matter outlined in the complaint?

do you do that?

This is for Pete, isn't it?

Yeah, he just needs a little push in the right direction. Could you help? Sure.

Great.

All he has to do is get down on both knees and say, Marlene, you are the

of law.

You know everything and I know nothing.

You are exalted and I am ignorant dirt.

What if I talk to Greg about getting you a raise?

And a company car with a ski rack? I'll do my best.

This is very sweet of you. I like helping people.

Honey, you would have been so proud of Pete. You should have seen him all

dressed up with his hair comb, trying to remember the combination to his

briefcase. Uh, Pete filed a suit?

What's the suit?

What's the difference? The point is he's doing great. All he needed was someone

to believe in him.

Oh, Darman, you didn't loan him any money, did you?

Why can't you just admit that it was a good thing to leave the office open?

Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. How's the pass -through coming?

Good, good.

How's the Army Reserves going?

Oh, great. You know, it's mostly military law classes, but there's some

cool electives. Yesterday, I got to ride in a tank.

Really?

Did they let you fire the gun and blow stuff up?

No, they don't let you fire the gun. But I got to ride in it, and one of the

guys took my picture.

So you made some friends?

Oh, yeah. We're army buddies. I mean, these are the friendships that last a

lifetime, you know? In fact, tonight, some of the guys and I are going on

special night maneuvers with an elite group of army rangers.

Do lawyers do that?

Oh, yeah. You know, camouflage, night goggles, the whole deal. And, you know,

we're not all lawyers.

Colonel Flexman is a dentist.

Hang on.

Hey,

Marcy. My landlord left me out of my apartment.

have to call you back. Have fun camping.

Dharma, it's not camping.

Right. I'm sorry. I love you, honey. Bye.

What happened? I thought Pete got your water turned on. I know, but then I went

home and there was a big padlock on my door.

Anyway, I was wondering if I could borrow a sweater. It's a little drafty

Y. No, Marcy. Not staying at the Y. Come on. We'll go see Pete and get this all

straightened out.

Oh, wow.

Did you tell your landlord about that?

looks a little crooked.

I've got a little problem here. Marcy's landlord locked her out of her

apartment. Relax.

I expected that.

I wish you would have told me I would have worn a sweater.

Don't worry. You know, we'll slap a restraining order on him.

We'll have you back in your apartment in no time.

That sounds good. A restraining order.

Doesn't sound to you, Marlene, a restraining order.

whose name is partially on that door?

You are a pathetic little man.

You know, I don't got to take that. Pete, she's just cracking wise, which is

of the things we love about her. You pathetic little man. Where do you come

with this?

All I'm saying is you don't slap a restraining order on the guy. You go

the court. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now, who's the lawyer here?

Pete, no one's saying you're not the lawyer.

We're just thinking it.

That's for me to know.

They must have given us a bad bunch of night goggles because we couldn't really

see anything. And then the compasses didn't work and we didn't have any

batteries for the flashlights.

It was pretty rough.

Honey, I'm sure these guys aren't just playing a little joke on you.

Dharma, these are U .S. Army Rangers. They're not frat boys.

Okay, well, listen.

Hey, so long as I got you on the phone, I got this crazy bet going with someone

at work. Let's assume you're in a battle with your landlord over hot water and

you file the motion for mandatory injunction seeking equity. Bull Relief,

responded by locking you out of your apartment, what would be the next thing

do say, legally speaking?

Does this have something to do with Pete?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, if Pete's having any problems, just tell him to ask Marlene.

Okay, but if we were to ask her, what do you think she'd say? Oh, honey, there's

our cab. I gotta go. Love you.

I don't want to rough you, Dharma, but if we're gonna shower at the Y, it's

to get there before 8 o 'clock.

Oh, uh, you should shower.

Watch the towels.

Dharma, what's up?

Listen, Pete, about the Marcy thing, I was talking to one of my yoga students.

I'm not sure. She might have been a lawyer. And she said that in a landlord

dispute like this, you file a writ of mandamus with a declaration to the

Superior Court.

Yeah, that's what I did.

Amber, can I have a copy of the papers that Pete filed at the court this

morning? Um, yeah, it's over there in the cabinet.

It's a really exciting time.

What's the big deal?

It's perjury.

Pete can go to jail and they can shut down Greg's law firm.

Darby wants to talk to you. Hang on.

carted off to jail, that is going to be a major setback. Oh, yeah.

Jail's bad.

Exactly. Yeah.

So what do you think? Can you give me back the papers?

No.

That's it? Just no?

No, ma 'am.

Okay. Can I explain to you again what happened?

If you'd like.

Would it change anything?

No, ma 'am.

haven't thought of that would let me get those papers back before a judge sees

them? Possibly.

What might that be?

I don't know.

Okay.

Let's try another approach.

Okay.

Our pleasure, dear.

I would have called my folks, but they're at my place and the phone isn't

working.

Don't you want to know why I was eating court documents?

Not really, dear.

I'm a little curious.

Edward?

It's unimportant.

Hey, do you think we could stop for some Pepto or something? I think I got a

little paper jam going back here.

The contractor that's putting in the pass -through window. Nah, we don't need

pass -through window.

You know what you haven't had in two weeks?

Yes, I do. A hot pretzel. Let's go get you one.

Well, shouldn't somebody be here while they're working?

Marcy's here.

Marcy's here?

I'm glad you're cool with that, because she's kind of living with us for a

while. Oh, I have good news.

I got you a new law client. A fun case. Contempt of court.

Destroying public records. Please tell me it's not feet.

It is not Pete.

Anything else?

Marlene could probably use a raise.