Original subtitles

Oh, God, it's so boring. I can't take it anymore.

It's not that bad.

How would you know? You were sleeping.

I was not.

Fine. What's the greatest danger to the architecture of a classic Victorian

entranceway?

Um... Earthquake.

The correct answer is well -intentioned but misguided remodeling. Okay, okay, I

was sleeping. Come on, I've got to go back in.

Really?

Really?

Really want to go.

Back in here.

We made a donation.

We made an appearance. We can go. We made a donation?

Why? That just means this is going to happen again next year.

Oh, who gives a rat's ass?

Oh, hi.

Sneaking out, huh?

Damn straight. Listen, if your mother asked for me, tell her I had a heart

attack and was rushed to the bar.

Come on.

Wait, hang on.

Let's go in there. That sounds like fun.

We can. If somebody types a reunion.

Oh, sure we can.

Look, the people never showed up.

You kind of look like Todd Botner.

Albie.

Judy Ballard. Starma, this is the 20th reunion. You don't look 38.

Well, thank you.

Work out. I watch what I eat. Stay out of the sun. Come on.

Starma, please. We're not going in there. Don't.

Todd?

My God, you look fantastic.

Have you lost weight?

Well, I, you know, watch what I eat, I exercise, I stay out of the sun.

Are you married?

Yeah.

Happily?

We have our moments.

She's not here tonight.

Come, dance with me.

Your idea, Judy.

Anyway, after Jacques died, I had to do most of the diving myself.

Wow, so learning to hold your breath when we were shoving your head in the

toilet really paid off. More than you know, I really owe you guys.

Hey, did you ever get up close to a great white?

A little too close, my friend. I've got the scars to prove it.

I'd like to see those scars.

I'd like to show them to you, but there's somebody at home whose fight's a

worse.

Judy?

Judy Ballard? Yeah, that's me.

I've been a heck of a 20 years, huh? Doesn't seem like just yet, but you're

fully loaded Celica for a lot less than you think.

I can't believe you had the nerve to show your face here.

Okay, good talking to you. Remember, no credit, no problem.

Hey, guys, let's shake in.

Besides this thing right here. And when did that happen, right?

Everybody remember Judy Ballard? Oh, how could I forget the woman who's

responsible for the worst night of my life?

Figures you'd look this good.

Okay, well, you know, I work out. I eat right instead of something.

That was a little awkward, huh?

So, guys, 2001, reunion, Odyssey.

Woo -hoo!

Right up the cat's mouth.

God,

Judy, don't you have any shame? What is wrong with you?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Look. You can walk around here with that phony smile of yours, but that's not

going to erase four years of being a Class A bitch.

Yeah, Judy.

We are family.

I got all my systems on three.

I'm sorry. I had a great time.

Good for you.

Everybody hated me. No, honey, everybody hated Judy Ballard. What could she have

done that would justify me being treated that way? Well, apparently she was a

real number. You remember that woman, Sandy?

You mean your hustle partner?

Well, it seems you slept with Sandy's boyfriend on prom night.

Well, that's her story.

You want to hear Paula's story?

Yeah, what's with her?

Legend has it that you put crazy glue on the mouthpiece of her clarinet.

Is that what she has to... I'm thinking.

No, again, Judy Ballard sucked.

Can you believe those people have been carrying all that pain and anger for 20

years? So?

What?

Well, what do you think we should do about it? I don't think we should do

anything about it.

Well, that's where you and I differ. No, honey, that's where you and everybody

on the planet differ.

Wait, see, we were at that reunion for a reason.

No, we weren't.

The universe?

put us there so that we could heal the heartache that exists between Judy and

the class of 81. How do you know that?

Give me one other reasonable explanation for what happened tonight.

You got me. I didn't pick it through.

I can go to all those people as Judy and apologize for everything that I said

she did wrong.

Oh, it'll be great. Think of all the healing that'll happen.

Okay. Maybe it is the universe.

But how do you know the universe isn't just screwing with you?

Craig, the universe doesn't put those people through 20 years of pain and

to play a little joke on me.

Well, once again, I didn't think it through.

Mikkelsen? What's so good about it?

All right.

Sorry, Ed. Just that since the baby was born, I haven't been having a lot of sex

with the old lady.

You do understand that this is a workplace?

I'm sorry. I'm a little frustrated.

All right. So you've got personal problems. Try not to bring them to work.

Sorry. This sort of thing happens in a marriage. You've got to find a way to

deal with it.

Try getting a hobby.

I recommend drinking.

No, that's not for me. Alcohol dulls the senses.

I like to stay sharp.

Security!

how much longer I can survive on three times a week.

Yeah, well, keep your chin up.

Hold on.

You're getting it three times a week?

If it wasn't for the gardener routine, I'd be down to twice.

Oh, you poor guy. What's a gardener routine?

You know, you strip to the waist, you let it see you out there digging in the

garden, getting sweaty.

Hang on.

Security.

All right, buddy, come on. This isn't funny anymore.

He'll call you right back.

Now, you're digging in the garden. What then?

Three items only.

Miss, you have four?

Yes.

Fine, but you have four.

Hi. Anthony Balsamo. Go Tigers.

Judy, what are you doing here?

I just wanted to talk to you, you know, apologize for all the miserable things

that I did to you.

I was wrong.

I hope you can forgive me.

Really?

Yeah, really.

So you think that you could just walk in here and make up for everything that

you ever did to me and think that... Excuse me. Three items only, miss.

Okay.

I understand you're upset. Why don't we just go through this? Now, what would

you say is the worst thing that I ever did to you?

Oh, um, how about me...

doing your homework for two years with the understanding that you'd be going

with me. And we didn't, huh?

No, we did not.

And did you bring up the homework thing?

Look, Judy, for 20 years, I've been afraid to love because of you, afraid to

believe in myself, to reach for the stars. Hang on a second. Three items

Three! Three! Get to read the sign!

Actually, Anthony, you are responsible for your own life, and if you want to be

happy, you have to do the work.

Oh, of course.

It's my fault.

God, Judy, you haven't changed a bit.

No, I have.

You've got to believe me, I'm a completely different person.

Actually, ma 'am, I think it's just three items.

Hey, cupcake, I said three.

Well, we raised $80 ,000.

No thanks to Mr.

and Mrs. Herbert Danfield.

$100?

Well, they're having expenses.

He bought his mistress a new BMW.

You know, I think next year we are going to do a dinner cruise, but we'll

decorate the boat like a Victorian house. Yes.

Is that your husband outside?

Oh, my Lord.

Excuse me.

Edward, what are we doing?

Oh, I'm digging in the garden, working up a sweat.

Pep's squad is holding a grudge because I slept with her father and broke up her

family.

She overreacted. It's nothing compared to some of the other things I've done.

Judy's done.

Whatever. No, not whatever, Dharma.

It's the bright, crisp dividing line between sane and Looney Tunes.

Whatever. It doesn't matter because I got a new plan.

Oh, good.

Check this out.

It's an invitation to Matthew Slocum's birthday party on Sunday. Who's Matthew

Slocum? Who's Matthew Slocum? Track football.

Student Council National Merit Scholar. Oh, that matters a lot.

Swiped you off Kathy Denby's desk.

Anyway, here's the plan. You, as Todd, take me to this party.

Sorry, ma 'am. See, my problem is nobody believes that I've changed.

But if I show up with Todd, who everybody loves, and they see that he's

me... Forgiven you for what?

Oh, it's a silly thing. I started a little rumor about you and Mr. Jillian,

shop teacher.

That's horrible.

Not for you. Mr.

Jillian got fired, but you got the lead in Brigadoon.

You expect me to take you to this party?

It stopped the rumors.

I mean, showing up at that reunion without your wife didn't help.

Forget it.

Hey, this really means a lot to me.

To you or to Judy? Well, it's kind of hard to say. I've got to change.

That's my point, Dharma. It really shouldn't be hard to say.

in the sacco if you spreck and see my French there.

Really? What turned it around for you? I let her come to me.

I lit some candles, put on some music, and then I played hard to get.

And that worked?

Look how I'm glowing.

Hey, Ed. Oh, hello, Abby.

Hey, Mr.

Tambourine Man.

You forgot your lunch.

No, I didn't.

Oh, look, it's potting soil.

Talk to your lady head.

What was that about?

Check. It's all the guy wants to talk about.

Oh, maybe he's having problems at home. Sure. And he's trying to get some advice

from Dr.

Love. These poor repressed people.

Maybe I should talk to Kitty.

I'm sure she'd like that.

Meanwhile, I got an hour for lunch.

Lily's watching the baby.

Come on. Let's go up to the roof.

I got a cot.

I'll let it go to voicemail.

I forget. What were we going to do after we slipped in unnoticed?

Who invited you?

I'm with Todd.

You wanted Todd, didn't you?

You got a lot of nerve, Judy.

Okay,

I'm just going to get right to it.

Okay.

Webster's defines apology as an admission of error accompanied by an

of regret. But what does that truly mean? To me, it means someone... All

right, all right, that's enough. Listen, listen, it's very important.

for Judy here to apologize.

And if you guys don't have the decency to accept it, then I think you're the

ones with the problem.

Todd, don't you see?

She's using you. That's what she does, Todd.

Whatever she promised you later, buddy, ain't gonna happen.

And if it does, it'll be with your father.

anymore. I'm not Judy Ballard. What?

Nope. I'm Dharma Montgomery and this is my husband, Greg.

Hi.

We crashed your reunion party and pretended to be Judy and Todd and things

of got carried away.

Oh, thank God! She's only 28!

So, uh, you were never bitten by a shark?

You tormented us like this for fun?

Okay, what Judy did was despicable, but she was in high school. You're adults.

Thick adults.

Oh,

I can't believe how big he has gotten.

With just a little sailor suit that we gave him. Yeah.

I wanted you to see him in it before Larry burned it in a protest against the

military.

I wish him luck. It's flame retardant.

So how has he been sleeping?

Great, since we've gotten back to having sex every night.

I meant the baby.

Oh, Harry?

Harry's sleeping fine.

Excuse me, but did you say that you and Larry are having... every night?

Not every night. Larry enjoys watching the practice on Sundays.

Well, still, sounds like you're keeping busy. Yeah, yeah.

And I admit, Kitty, it was tough getting back into the swing of things, you

know, getting the signals right.

Oh, sure, the signals.

Well, we mustn't neglect our signals.

Just like the rest of the animal kingdom, you know, we need signals to

mates. We don't have the bright feathers of the peacock.

We don't have the swollen genitalia of the baboon.

Oh, look, he's smiling.

So I like to cue Larry by lighting a few candles, you know, dabbing on a little

patchouli oil, and then, here's the secret, I do nothing.

Nothing?

The male of the species needs to think he's making the first move.

The pathetic little monkeys.

Sorry, honey.

You should be. That sandy woman kicked me.

Well, you kind of let her on a little.

Anyway, I have a new plan.

Am I in it? No. Then I love it.

Candles? Ah, yes. I thought it would be a little different.

It's very... Yes?

Nice. Ah.

Do you mind if I put on some music? That would be very nice.

Too loud?

Perfect.

The music is really... Yes?

Nice.

I'm glad you like it.

I do.

I thought you might.

aftershave you're wearing. Yes, do you like it?

Yes, I do.

Well, so do I.

Edward? Yes?

Do you think I might be a bit more comfortable in the bedroom?

In the bedroom?

Yes.

In the bedroom.

Well, I'll be right here if you need me.

At all? You think somebody would have said something?

I'm sorry?

Um, look, can I talk to you for a minute? It's really important.

Well, okay, I'm on my way to work, but if it's important... Okay, I'll make it

quick. Um, I just came by to encourage you to turn your life around and try and

be more loving and helpful to people.

I don't understand.

Are you telling something?

No, look, I know all about you. I tried to mend some fences for you with some of

your old high school pals, but you know what? Forget it. They hate you. It's not

going to happen.

Who are you?

Who knows at this point.

But the important thing is, you need to be a better person.

Which, you know, probably won't be that hard, because you ain't got nowhere to

go but up.

I know. I was a terrible person in high school.

And I'm sorry.

But right now, I really have to get ready for work.

Hang on, hang on.

I'm sorry?

You think that just takes care of it?

Well, I got this for you, baby. I tried, I'm sorry, and that just gets your shoe

caught in Kathy Denby's pool filter.

I really don't understand why you're here.

Look, I did some terrible things to people when I was younger, but I have

the rest of my life trying to atone.

So now, if you'll excuse me, I really have to go.

Oh, good golly. Please tell me you're one of those non -impersonators.

I work at the hospital across the street.

Good morning, Sister Judy.

Sister Alice.

Okay, well, keep up the good work, Sister.

Hello. Hi. I was just on my way out. Are you a friend of Sister Judy?

No, not really.

Oh, well, I'm not surprised.

Between you and me and you know who, she's a horrible woman.