Original subtitles

Feel my forehead.

You're fine.

How do you know? You haven't felt it.

Your whole family has come from all over the country to be here. Some of them

haven't seen you in 15 years. They tend to come down with a little fever before

these things.

Come on, be nice. It's a wonderful gesture that the whole tribe is

honor your father. All right, but stay sharp. If the tribe runs out of

antidepressants and liquor, there's going to be trouble.

Oh, look who's here.

Gregory and his lovely wife, Dama.

Dama, this is Edward's Aunt Julia and her son William, his

wife Elizabeth, and Edward's niece Stephanie, and his nephew Brent and

wife Joy.

Well, I got wife Joy, but for now everyone else is going to have to be

or sport.

Well, Kitty was right.

You are quite the free spirit.

Nah, she was just dressing it up for you. I'm a whack job from the word go.

Drake, son. Yes, please. Come on, darling.

So far, so good. Elizabeth seems nice. Yeah, well, don't say that in front of

mother.

Why? She used to date my father.

Get out of here. Way to go, Ed. What? Nothing. Anyway, they hate each other,

don't get between them.

Oh, Elizabeth, I cannot tell you how much I have missed you. Oh, me too.

Not a day goes by when I do not think of you. Why don't I pick up the phone?

Probably the same reason I don't.

Yes.

Anything else I should know?

Well, Brent's not the sharpest pencil in the box.

I think it's jelly.

But he will do anything to take control of Montgomery Industries away from my

father. Okay.

And that's his half -fist to Stephanie.

She'll do anything to stop him.

Why? She hates Brent because Brent's father is the man their mother left her

father for.

Displaced anger. Got it. And...

She's gay, but we don't talk about it. Oh, she's not out? No, she's out. We

don't talk about it.

Oh, good.

Marilyn's here.

Marilyn? My late Uncle George's second wife. Ah, do we like her? Well, that

depends. On what? On whether we believe she killed him.

Well, after a freak car accident, he was thrown free of the car, which then

somehow managed to back over him.

Let me guess, you don't talk about it. Well, it rarely comes up.

Oh, Marilyn!

everyone so sorry I'm late the traffic was just murder

So they're all smiled and hugged. Meanwhile, they all know the woman

her husband. And that's why Trey and Cece hate Marilyn. No, that's why Tripp

Cece hate Marilyn. Trey is William Montgomery III. Tripp is George

III, son of George II.

The dead guy.

Exactly, which brings us to Brent, who's sucking up to Edward because on Sunday

when Edward turns 65, he's going to announce the successor of his company.

since Greg doesn't want the job, Brent figures he's got a shot.

Which one's Greg?

I'm Greg.

Remember, we're late for the brunch.

Which is where we meet Trey and Jackie and Jackie's new husband.

Can I come?

No.

Wait here and I'll catch up on everything when I get back.

I just have to tell you, I love your family.

You know, I was thinking we should run a bus and get everyone together and go

down and visit your Aunt Evelyn in the mental hospital.

That's a very nice idea, but Aunt Evelyn's been dead for years.

Really? Who do you think did it?

I don't know, but, Dharma, trust me, the best way to deal with these people is

not to get sucked into their drama.

You're probably right.

Mrs. Dharma, you wanted to know when Mr.

Montgomery's sister and her new husband arrived?

Thank you, Celia. It's not important.

You sure?

He's very young. People are staring and gasping.

Go.

Thanks, Fork.

So he's a real gigolo. I have better doctors older than he is.

Nick just installed the new cabinets in the guest house, and don't you know,

when I opened the first one, there was an engagement ring.

Oh, it's lovely.

Oh, not this one, of course, but a sweet little ring.

So he's a carpenter, mother? A general contractor.

With all the work I was having done on the house, frankly, it was just cheaper

to marry him.

Hell of a family we married into, huh? Oh, yeah, it's great.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Cece.

Oh, yeah, Tripp's wife.

Which makes you daughter -in -law of George Jr., Edward's late brother and

-fated husband of Marilyn.

Wow. I wrote it all on my hands.

Have you spent much time with Brent yet?

Oh, you mean Jackie's son by her second husband married to Joy? No, not yet.

But he seems awful nice, and Edward sure likes him.

The stashes make my fingers red.

Mine, too.

Yes, he does seem nice.

Anyway, but everyone knows he's only kissing up to Edward to get his little

hands on the company.

Everyone knows?

Yes.

But we're not supposed to talk about it.

I see. What else are we supposed to talk about?

Oh.

Kitty hates Jackie.

Really? Why?

Jackie gave Kitty all of her maternity clothes.

Oh, that's nice.

Kitty wasn't pregnant at the time.

Your neck is chock full of boyish charm.

Well, he does keep me young.

Really? I thought you had all sorts of other people who did that.

Julia's grandniece and also Elizabeth's first cousin once removed by marriage.

I suppose it does.

Listen, I couldn't help but notice you were talking to Stacey.

Hello, Stephanie.

Hello, Trey.

What? No kiss for your cousin?

Oh, that's right. You don't kiss men.

Oh, I kiss men.

Ouch.

Excuse me. I don't believe we've met. I'm Greg's wife, Dharma.

Well, he's a lucky man.

Unless you cheat, in which case, I'll wrestle Stephanie for you.

You'll lose.

But I'll enjoy every minute of it.

Oh.

Well, you guys aren't real close, huh?

We slept together once, which actually cleared some things up for me.

Anyway, did Cece tell you something about Brent?

Oh, maybe.

Why do you ask?

It's okay. I hate my brother.

Oh, that's right, you do. I totally forgot.

Did you know he's only kissing up to Edward to get control over the company?

You don't know the half of it. I didn't know any of it when I got here.

Did you know Brent was behind the secret hostile takeover attempt of Montgomery

Industries?

Hey, have you seen your dad?

I think he was going to show Brent the hole under the fence where the dogs get

out.

Too late.

Oh, don't worry. If Dad and Brent get out of the yard, somebody will bring

back.

Greg, you know that hostile takeover attempt of Montgomery Industry six years

ago? Yeah.

Do you? I just got caught up. Did you know that your cousin Brent was behind

No, he wasn't. When that was going on, Brent was drying out in rehab.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Oh, what am I missing here?

Irma, I thought we agreed you were going to stay out of this stuff.

No, honey, you said it would be a good idea if I stayed out of it.

Boy, were you right.

Thing is, Stephanie would have known Brent was in rehab. Why would she want

to tell Edward something he could easily find out wasn't true?

Yeah, you'd look like a fool and Brent would come off looking better than ever.

Yeah, that doesn't make sense.

Oh, it doesn't.

Think about it.

Stephanie knows the rumor is false.

If you go to Edward, you're discredited for Lingfei's attempt to use you to

smear Brent.

And why does Stephanie do this?

She's secretly in cahoots with Brent to help him gain control of Montgomery

Industries so she can be the power behind the throne.

You were using me.

How did you figure that out?

Nobody knows his way around a conspiracy like my guy.

This one's a little tricky.

It helps if you think of Stephanie as Nixon and Brent and Joy as Haldeman and

Ehrlichman.

What are you guys talking about?

Girl stuff?

I think I do.

She's going to want to have herself a little insurance policy.

What do you mean, an insurance policy?

Every member of the family has stock in Montgomery Industries. If any three of

them get together, they'll have enough votes to override Edward's decision as

who his successor will be. A secret power block.

Sure, like the CIA and the committee to re -elect Nixon.

Okay, so it's Stephanie Brent, and who's the third?

You have to be someone that no one would suspect. Someone else who appears to

hate Stephanie.

Trey. Or G. Gordon Liddy.

Oh, good, Trey, I was looking for you.

Well, when you find me, give me this.

Look, I wanted to tell you, there's a secret in this family, and I know what

is. You mean that my father slept with Kitty before she met Edward?

Oh, wow.

Now, I was talking about you, Stephanie, and rent secretly trying to take over

the company.

As delightfully tedious as it sounds, I really can't be bothered.

You see, I've only six months to live.

Oh, my God, that's awful.

Dying's not awful.

Awful is Bermuda when the cruise ships dock.

Did you know that Tralee has six more months to live?

Yes, it's marked on my calendar.

Did you tell Edward about Brent?

No. Oh, thank God. It was a lie. It never happened.

I wanted you to tell Edward so you'd be discredited to hurt Cece.

And wouldn't it have helped Brent?

Oh, my God.

It would have. I didn't even think of that.

Anyway, I hope you can forgive me and we can be friends.

We're family. You're the daughter of my father -in -law's sister by your first

husband. Nothing could come between us.

Thank you.

Dad, you busy? No, come on in.

How's the speech coming?

Take a look.

Thank you all for coming to celebrate my birthday with me.

What's this word?

A gynecologist.

I don't know if that's the joke you want to open with.

You're probably right.

That's more of a closer.

Anyway, Dad, about the company.

I know you must be disappointed that you're not naming me as your successor

tonight. Well, it would have made things a little easier.

For one thing, I could have turned 65 quietly without all these butt kissers

showing up.

Oh, come on. It's a wonderful gesture that the whole tribe is gathering to

you. You get that from Dharma?

Yeah.

Anyway, it's not that I never want to join the company. It's just right now

where I am in my life. Gregory, don't worry about Montgomery Industries. You

just keep doing what you're doing.

I'm proud of you.

I wish I'd have had the guts to tell my father I didn't want to be in the family

business.

I had no idea.

So where do you think you'd be if you'd gone your own way? Well, that's easy.

I'd have my own little three -chair barbershop somewhere in the Florida

Nice. But look at you.

You're doing something you love, and even if it goes bust, you've got a good

woman to stand by you.

Well, don't you think Mom would have stood by you if...

you've done a great job with the company. You've really built it into

Thanks. Happy birthday, Dad.

Thank you.

Edward, I cannot spend another moment with that woman. She's a cold -hearted

true.

And if she looks down her nose at me one more time, I swear on all that's holy,

blood will flow.

Yes, dear.

Well, all right.

Well, Don't you think we should get back in there?

What, are you nuts?

All right. Thanks, Tripp. Trying to keep everyone straight.

Anyway, Stephanie was secretly helping Brent.

Why the sudden change of heart?

I don't know.

Or maybe I do.

What exactly am I looking at here? Those are photos that Celia found in

Stephanie's room. That's Stephanie in bed with Marilyn.

No, no. What am I looking at here? Is this a shoulder or a tushy?

Guys, forget the pictures for a second.

What we know is that Marilyn is blackmailing Stephanie.

Well, that would explain why she's not in cahoots with Brent anymore.

What are you guys looking at?

Pictures that placed Nixon in Dealey Plaza when Kennedy was assassinated.

to see?

I'm confused. What good are these pictures? Everybody already knows

a lesbian.

Read what's on the back of the pictures.

Sure would be a shame if Joy saw these.

Brent's wife, why would she care?

She would care if Joy were having an affair with Stephanie and Stephanie

on Joy with Marilyn.

Bingo, which means that Marilyn has Stephanie's shares in her pocket. So all

Marilyn needs is one more person and she gains control of Montgomery Industries.

Right, but who's the third?

Quiet this weekend.

Tom, you haven't said anything in 15 years.

Really?

You don't find that fitting?

I'd like to propose a toast.

Uncle Edward, happy birthday.

I know I speak for the whole family. When I say, I'd really like to run the

company.

I've known Uncle Edward for a long time.

to go on to Harvard and get my MBA, which I did.

And I called you for some advice, and you weren't available.

Guess what I'm trying to say. You don't really have to talk to me so long.

Father, it's a window.

We're right there.

What's up?

Check out what Larry found in the picture. Write about the tushy in the

You can see the person who took the picture.

It's Nick.

Jackie's new husband.

So it's Stephanie, Marilyn, and Nick. My God, Larry, how did you think to look

for that?

Oh, he wasn't looking for that.

What we don't know is, why would Nick take an incriminating photograph of

Stephanie and Marilyn a year before he met Jackie?

But we have our best man on it.

Wait, when did we get a man?

And so the gynecologist says, kiss you, Mrs. Larson, I shouldn't even be doing

this.

And you said not to open with him.

As some of you may know, I'm supposed to name a new head of the company tonight.

Wait, stop!

Edward, you can't do what you're about to do before everyone hears what I have

to say.

Farmer, what are you doing?

Picking up the log and showing Edward the bugs.

Okey -dokey.

Okay, this is a fever. This is definitely a fever.

Now, let's just recap for a minute.

Any three of you Montgomery's can gang up together and take control of the

company no matter who Edward picks.

Problem here is there aren't three of you who like each other.

However, it looks like Stephanie and Marilyn were able to work through their

differences. Joy, this may be of interest to you.

Marilyn and Stephanie and who?

Tripp and Cece? I don't think so. Not after Marilyn bugged off Tripp's father,

which I know, I know, we don't talk about it.

Then, it came to me. What about William and Elizabeth?

the fact that William and Kitty had a fling before she was with Edward really

enough motivation to take over the company?

I don't think so.

I guess I probably shouldn't even have brought it up.

Which brings me to the person who took this photo.

Nick.

Now, why would Nick help Marilyn blackmail Stephanie long before he was

part of this family?

Answer me that.

Anyone?

Well, because actually this is as far as I've gotten.

Is that a shoulder or a... Oh.

Hey, Darla. I got something for you. Not a good time, Pete.

I think you might want to see this. It's from a buddy of mine at the FBI.

Oh, so you're our man.

Thanks.

Is that prime rib?

Help yourself.

Oh, you're never going to believe this.

Did anyone have any money on Nick and Marilyn being brother and sister?

Unless Nick marrying you is part of Marilyn's master plan to form a power

with Stephanie to take over Montgomery Industries.

Uh -oh.

Well, that's it for me.

Does anybody else want to add anything?

Actually, honey, yes, I did.

What, um, Dad was about to say was that he and I had a discussion earlier today

and we came to an agreement that he would stay with the company for five

years, at which point I'd reconsider taking over.

Kind of pointless, huh?

Well, I told you when you met me.

Wack job.

I'm guessing this is going to be one of those things we never talk about, right?

Right.

Have your prime ripped.

Fine.