Original subtitles

And as we exhale, we allow the loving collective consciousness, which is our

-op, to flow into our hearts, making us like compassionate fish swimming in an

ocean of understanding.

Okay.

First order of business is we're no longer able to validate parking for

in the lot across the street.

No way!

Back in the...

Park on the street or pay for it yourself.

Oh, people, we can't afford it. Look at this bill.

You know, most of that is Alan's Winnebago.

It take up four spots.

Yes, he lives there.

In the parking lot?

You're kidding. Why is he always late?

Well, you know he is a newlywed.

Fine. Look, everybody, we have a real...

financial problem here. The phone company is mad at us. The electric

sending us red envelopes. It might help if you unplug Alan's window bagel.

Okay, it's a start, but we have a long ways to go.

What happened to our emergency fund?

Nine dollars.

That can't be right. We have all kinds of money in there. Well, we did, but we

had some real emergencies to take care of. We had to re -feng shui the whole

third floor. Oh, yeah.

And we adopted an acre of rainforest.

Save the whale, save the seal, save the harp seal.

And the rest went to the Ralph Nader for President campaign.

Boy, we were so close on that one, weren't we?

And he was the only candidate that really fought for the seal.

That's true, Marcy, but that doesn't change the fact that we have no money.

Maybe not, but we've got love.

Well, I could try to pay the phone bill with love, but I think it's a felony.

Prostitution is only a misdemeanor.

Well, great. That takes care of the phone bill.

Hey, Alan.

We'll just leave it for a while. He's on his honeymoon.

Sometimes I wonder why I stay in the holistic co -educational alternative co

biz.

Rough day in the counterculture, honey?

Brutal!

Ever try explaining a monthly bill to a group of people who are totally in the

moment? Actually, I have.

Let's start with me.

Yeah, nice to see you. Don't get up.

Do you have any idea who uses more electricity than anyone in the co -op?

candle -making class. Can you explain that to me? Can you?

That's a rhetorical question, isn't it? What do you think? I think that's

another one.

I'm sorry.

Anything I can do for you? Make you some tea? A glass of wine?

No, I'm okay, thank you.

I'm sorry I snapped at you.

Tell me about your day.

My law partner has filed a slip -and -fall suit against the national chain of

department stores on behalf of our prestigious new client, exotic dancer

Rosie Cheeks.

Wow. How many strippers have you guys represented now? I don't know. Pete

writes, need a lawyer and our phone number on his...

Tucking money.

Go Pete.

I guess, but I'm the one who has to walk into the office of Kolodny and

Greenwald and say, gentlemen, my client, Miss Rosie Cheeks, may never again

shake her moneymaker.

Hey, Kolodny and Greenwald, that's not Toby Kolodny, is it?

Tobias, yeah. Why do you know him?

You used to. I mean, if it's the same guy, there's probably a million Tobias

Kolodny.

On the odd chance it's the same one, how do you know him?

We lived together in Berkeley.

Oh, you're kidding.

Okay, this is the same Toby Kolodny. The guy I knew was a bass player, but he

made his real money selling tube socks at flea markets.

Probably not the same guy.

Probably not.

On the other hand, if that middle initial X stands for Xavier, don't let

kiss you. He's a real slobberpuss.

Thanks for the heads up.

Next.

I'm Dharma. I'm the president of the San Francisco Alternative Educational Co

-op, and someone called this morning to say they were going to turn our

electricity off if we didn't pay the bill right away.

Yeah, that does sound like something we'd say.

Listen, um, we're having a little bit of a money problem right now, but things

are going to turn around. Our numerology teacher told us that we're going to get

some money around the 12th, the 21st, or the 30th.

Some date that adds up to three. Are you here to pay your bill? Well, let me

finish. And Mrs. Flanagan, who takes our senior fitness class, just put us in

her will.

She has an irregular heartbeat.

Bad for her. Good for you.

But you don't have the money now.

That's what I'm trying to tell you. We're going to get it. On the 12th, the

21st, or the 30th, or when old lady Flanagan goes toes up.

Would you like a 30 -day hardship extension?

Would I?

Take this to window nine.

Thank you. You know, I put it out in the universe that I was going to find

someone like you today, and here you are.

Thank you so much. Next.

I'd like a 30 -day hardship extension, please.

Take this to Wendell 9.

Mr.

Montgomery, Mr.

Kolodny's here to see you.

Thank you, Marlene. Tell him we'll be just a second.

You sure? I already told him you're not doing anything.

Yes, I'm sure.

All right, let me take the lead with this guy. I think I've got an angle to

play. Craig, we got a drunk stripper who got her fanny stuck in an escalator.

If the check's more than $100, I think the angle we're playing is thank you.

I think we can do a little better.

This guy used to go out with Dharma.

I married Dharma.

I casually bring it up. It knocks him off his game.

We go in for the kill. Just follow my lead.

Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting. Craig Montgomery. This is my associate, Peter

Cavanaugh. Nice to meet you. Have a seat.

Gentlemen, I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time.

My client has great sympathy for Miss Cheeks.

Rosie Cheeks, and she prefers Miz.

I got this, Pete.

Anyway, to make this thing go away, I'm authorized to give you a check right now

for $10 ,000.

Yee -haw, Pete.

There's no reason to be sarcastic.

This gentleman is a guest in our office. Thank you very much. It's a very

interesting initial offer, but I don't think it begins to cover the pain and

suffering our client has incurred.

She may never lap dance again.

Thank you, Pete.

She was really good.

No one questions her talent.

Gentlemen, we thought this offer was more than fair. I'm sure you did, but

don't we just take a moment to go over her medical bill one more time.

Oh, by the way, Dharma Finkelstein says hello.

Wow. You know Dharma Finkelstein?

I suppose you could say I do.

Man, what a piece of work she was.

Sorry? I don't know how well you know her.

Watch yourself, okay? She's pretty out there.

Out there, huh? Oh, yeah.

Which is okay when you're trying to start a band and you're selling tube

you know? But when you finally decide you want to make something yourself,

you're going to be shacking up with the freaky chick with the yoga and the

incense and the Mona Lisa beaded curtain, you know what I'm saying?

I got a fly who hasn't it, too. I'm going to do you guys a favor, okay? I'm

going to tell my client that you rejected his offer because he's just

withdraw it, all right? So I'll give you a couple days. You give me a call.

We'll make this thing happen.

Okay, thanks.

And if you see Dharma again, tell her, uh, I said hi, but, uh, don't give her

number.

You are the master.

I am but a humble student learning at your feet.

Not now, Pete.

You tell me when.

We're opening our money chakra.

Not to bring in money, but to be open to money that is seeking a home.

Hey, honey, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm measuring the closet.

Don't worry. It only looks like it's changing sides.

I'm getting rid of this Mona Lisa thing, and I'm getting closet doors.

Oh, wow. That's really going to block the energy of this room.

Well, we'll just have to live with that, won't we?

I thought you liked the Mona Lisa.

Yeah, and when I was 15, I liked Kiss.

People grow up, Dharma. They get doors.

You know what hurt Kiss? The guy with the scary tongue.

The band actually had something to say.

Is something bothering you? Yes, it bothers me that we don't have closet

You know, why don't we finish this a little bit later? No, no, no. That's

important. That's how you solve financial problems. You don't seek

professionals. You go like this in front of your belly. That's why the pips are

the richest people on the planet.

Now, the pips had something to say, but Gladys always said it first.

Well, I have to say, these are the prettiest financial records I've ever

Thanks, sir.

Calligraphy teacher does our bookkeeping.

You might want to try an accountant.

Hey, what's the thought? What else?

Well, for one thing, half your teachers don't make enough to cover the cost of

their room. You've got to get rid of them.

Get rid of them?

Adopt them. If someone isn't fulfilling his function, you've got to put them out

to pasture and find a fellow who can get the job done.

Edward, I don't want to be disturbed for the next hour. Sven is here for my

massage.

Enjoy.

Edward, most of the teachers have been there for years. I can't think of one

that I would let go of.

No, no, no. You don't just fire one. You get rid of a whole bunch so they can

console each other.

Look, come on. I'll show you how the big boys swing the axe.

Shouldn't you tell Kitty you're leaving?

She won't notice. Those massages can go on all afternoon.

Poor fellow.

Can we get one of these?

Put it down.

Man, that guy really got to you. He did not get to me.

Yeah, I was there. I saw him not get to you.

Listen, this guy's going to walk in here with a check. Here's a crazy idea.

Let's take it.

That's what I intend to do.

Thanks for coming down, guys.

First of all, Greg, I'd like to apologize for some of the things that I

your office.

I didn't know you married Dharma Finkelstein.

Yeah, I did.

Well, I was way out of line, okay? She's a great gal, and considering the kind

of career you chose, I think that she's the perfect partner for you.

What does that mean?

It's not important, Greg.

We decided we were going to accept your offer. I thought you might.

All right, thanks. Bye.

Gene, hang on.

What exactly did you mean by that, the career I've chosen?

I didn't mean to offend you. I think you've got a great thing going, you

You handle a couple of slip and falls, make the nut for your little office, and

you've got time to stop and smell the roses.

Smell the roses.

Watch the sunset.

Man, I wish I could get off the fast track like you did.

See you in court.

No. Come on, Pete.

You said we were going to take the money.

I could have gotten the boot off my car.

All right, everybody.

Here's our self -esteem homework for tonight.

Hi, Nick. Hey, Dharma. Be right with you.

Let's each go out to a nice restaurant and confidently say, table for one,

please.

Or better yet, party of one.

Okay. We'll see you next week, everybody.

Hey, Dharma.

Hey, Nick. This is my father -in -law, Ed Montgomery.

Wow. It's fantastic to meet you.

You might want to wait on that.

So, what can I do for you without neglecting myself?

This is hard for you.

Nick, your self -esteem workshop hasn't been attracting a lot of people lately.

I know.

Isn't that great? It gives me a lot more one -on -one time with my students.

Can I do this? I'd really get a kick out of it.

No, I'm the president of the co -op. It's my responsibility.

Hey, Dharma, what's tugging the ends of that smile down?

Well, Nick, it's just that there are costs.

And this is a very hard time. And this is a big room. I've got something in my

pocket. It belongs across my face.

I keep it very close to me in a most convenient place.

I know you couldn't guess it if you guessed a long, long while.

So I'll take it out and put it on.

It's a great big happy smile.

Get out!

What? Your class is canceled.

Canceled? Yes. It's a dog. We're losing money. You're out of here.

What am I going to do?

I don't know.

You're a great guy with tons of self -esteem. I'm sure you can find a job

anywhere. Except here, as I already mentioned.

Why don't you take yourself out for a nice dinner and figure it out?

Good morning, Claire.

Not for Nick.

No, I guess not.

Or Jasmine.

Doug.

Samantha. I had to make some really hard choices.

You think everybody hates me?

No, not everybody.

Thank you. Oh, Claire, no more free drinks for the teachers. It's a dollar.

Okay.

Now everybody hates you.

Nick, I'm really sorry.

It's okay.

I think this is going to turn out to be a great opportunity for me.

You did him a favor.

Every day is Christmas when you're out of work.

Come on. Susan, you know I'm doing this for the good of the co -op. You

understand that.

What happened to me if I don't?

Okay, I did your dirty work. I pulled the plug on Alan and the Winnebago's

Thank you, Marcy.

And, uh, one more thing. My birthday's in eight months and six days and I'm

having a party and you're not invited and I'm sorry.

Okay, okay, you can come, but I'm very mad at you.

Gee, this evidence file is a mess. What happened to the pictures of your

stripper before she was injured?

They're, uh... At my apartment.

Why?

That's kind of a personal question, isn't it?

Go get the pictures.

Okay.

Hey. Hey, darling.

Hi, honey. Hi.

That's a bad time?

Um, a little. What's up?

Oh.

Everybody at the co -op hates me.

I feel like a tobacco farmer in a seal skin coat.

I'm sorry.

Big case?

Oh, not really. It's Pete's stripper.

Oh, by the way, there is only one Tobias X. Kolodny.

Yeah, I kind of figured.

Does it bother you?

No, no, no.

You sure?

Yeah.

I gotta tell you, the guy's a real jerk.

Toby, really?

Yeah, he didn't have a knife of things to say about you.

Well, what did he say?

Well, he implied that you kind of held him back from being the big success he

today. What? That's ridiculous.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, in his defense, he was selling tube socks when you were

together, and now he's got a big office in the Transamerica building.

Yippee for Toby.

Is there something else on your mind here?

No.

I mean, it kind of makes you wonder.

About what?

About whether I'm holding you back?

I didn't say that. Yes, you did. You think I'm holding you back.

Well, you're not exactly pushing me forward. And I never will.

Well, you don't have to tell me that.

Look, Craig, if you want to make more money or be more successful, that's

But that's not what I'm in this for.

I love you, and frankly, I don't care if you ever make a dime. Oh, good, because

we're there.

All right, you know what?

If you think I'm standing in the way of your happiness, then maybe I should just

get out of your way. Once again, I didn't say that. No, I did.

Think it over.

Because I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. Not with you, and not with

anyone.

I feel, excuse me, I have to go back to work and fix what I just broke.

If you want to fix what you just broke, let me know.

Okay, so here's my proposal.

We bring everybody back, kind of like a karmic olly olly oxen free.

We do our best, and if we're lucky, we stay in business two, three months max.

What about the free drinks and parking for the teachers?

Yeah.

Well, that brings us down to about six weeks.

What do you think?

Sounds good.

All right, let's have a party.

Let's party

about.

Oh, we just signed our own death warrant, but we get free parking.

We can come back to that.

Listen, I owe you a huge apology.

You mean from before when you were being a complete jackass?

Yeah.

I saw this Tobias guy living the life that I thought I wanted, and I just... I

panicked.

Greg, I'll say this again.

I will support you in any life that you want to live.

I know.

And that's what's scary.

It's a lot harder to create your own path than to follow one that's been laid

out for you.

Mm -hmm.

So? So, you could have told me that going in.

You know, when somebody says, follow your bliss, it sounds like it's going to

a lot of fun.

Yeah, that's how we hook you.

It's kind of like the army in Be All You Can Be.

Anyway, I guess what I should say is thank you.

You're welcome.

Here she is.

Uh, what's happening?

Uh, don't worry. It's just a group hug.

All right, Mom.

Just go with it. It's worse if you struggle.

Hey. Hey. Had to go in court.

Why? Not good. Bad. We lost.

Poor Rosie.

Nice to see you. Don't get up.

No.

Rosie is fine. I wrote her a big personal check to make up for the fact

lawyer is an idiot.

Well, that was very sweet of you.

Do you think you've cashed it yet?

Why? Oh, I think things are going to be a little tight for a while.

How come?

I'm floating the co -op on a loan from your dad, and we have to pay him 300

bucks a month plus interest.

He's a good businessman. He doesn't let his feelings get in the way.

I'll talk to my mom.

Thanks.