Original subtitles

I can fix your frame, but you really did a job on this box spring and mattress.

It was our anniversary last night, so we kind of kicked it up a notch.

Congratulations. Thanks. What about the shelves back there?

How'd you do that? Okay, you know how it's impossible to get any traction on

silk sheets? Darn it.

Can you just give us a price on all the damage?

All right, well, starting in the bathroom.

Your shower head needs to be reattached to the wall.

I told you it wouldn't hold your weight.

And you were right.

Go ahead.

Oh, that window glass might be hard to match. Yeah, Greg was doing a strip

and he kicked off a shoot.

Why don't we just show him the videotape?

Honey, no one likes to sit through home movies.

What anniversary was this?

Three and a half.

Nice. You guys are going to be putting my kids through college.

Glad to help. There's also some damage in the apartment downstairs.

Put that on our bill, too. We knocked their ceiling fan clean off its

But if they ask, all the bees are dead and I'm fine.

What?

It was late when they called. I had to think fast.

I don't think they bought it.

You know, it's amazing with all the advances with the internet and cloning,

still have to bring a mattress home the hard way.

For the record, Larry, it was free delivery until you started negotiating.

Free delivery?

Sure, as long as you buy the mattress. Larry, we did buy... Never mind.

Hey, you might want to wait till we get the old one out.

Hey, look at you.

Thinking.

Dharma, have you talked to your mother lately?

Yeah, this morning.

Did she happen to mention maybe why she hates me?

She doesn't hate you, Larry. She's just had a baby. It's perfectly natural to be

depressed after you've had a baby. My mom's still depressed.

Maybe I should get her a gift.

Nah, just tell her you love her and that you'll always be there for her and then

give her lots of big hugs.

Nah, she can get that from some crazy homeless guy.

Crack open the wallet and buy her something.

What do you think I should get her?

I don't know. Something that says, I think you're pretty, like a blouse or a

male prostitute.

That's probably more than I want to spend.

Hey, Jane, check this out.

Guys, I'm a little stuck here.

Then get her a scarf.

Found this under Greg's side of the bed.

Open it up. It's locked.

Why would Greg keep a locked box under the bed?

I knew a guy who had a box like that.

Turned out it was full of fingernail clippings from everybody in his

I don't think my husband is some kind of psycho manicurist.

No woman wants to think that about her husband.

I don't know. She's got plenty of scarves.

I'll just put it back, and if Greg wants to tell me what's in it, he'll tell me.

I'll bet it's naked pictures of his old girlfriend.

Well, that would be funny.

Framed with your fingernail, Coach.

Come on, let's bust it open.

No, no, we can't.

But if it happened to open accidentally while we were moving the bed... That's a

good, strong box.

Yes, it is.

I'm really stuck.

Try looking through some catalogs.

Boy, I wish there was another way I could phrase this.

Come on, darling, let's break in the new mattress.

Don't you want to fill out the warranty card first?

brand new bed and a pretty girl. I couldn't be happier.

Me too.

What's the deal with the locked box under your side of the bed?

What? The box that's under your side of the bed that isn't mine, that's locked.

Oh, that's just some old stuff.

Huh. Well, I put it back under the bed.

Thanks.

Jane wanted to open it, but I said, no siree, that is Greg's box.

If he wants me to know what's in it, he'll tell me or show me.

But that is up to him.

Yep.

Until then, that box remains undisturbed directly beneath us. Actually, a little

over. Right about there.

Does it bother you that I have a box under the bed?

No, no.

I'm just a little curious why you feel the need to keep secrets from me. That's

all. It's not secret.

It's private. I don't see the difference.

If it was secret, it would be something that I was hiding from you. So I can see

what's inside? I'd rather you didn't. It's private.

Okay.

You

tell

me if the box was full of weird, creepy stuff, all right?

What do you mean, weird, creepy stuff?

Oh, other people's fingernails.

So creepy about that.

Hey, Ed. I was just coming up to see you.

I thought we agreed you wouldn't do that.

This is kind of an emergency.

Like yesterday when you couldn't remember the name of the George Segal

Worse.

Let me ask you something.

What do you get a woman who just had a baby and is feeling kind of fat? And

don't say poncho because I gave her one at dinner and it made her really mad.

That would hide the fat.

That's what I told her.

You know, I usually get Kitty a little perfume or a nice outfit if I really

to kiss some patootie, a piece of pricey jewelry.

So you just pick something else. Oh, God, no. That would be suicide.

Kitty does the shopping. She has it wrapped, sent over to the office. I take

home. She pretends she's surprised.

And I pretend I'm not.

So I should get Kitty to help me shop.

I would.

Because I'm always happy with the stuff I get her.

Right. Thanks, Ed. Sure.

This is the lobby. Aren't you coming?

No, I want to stay here and listen to the rest of the song.

Why wouldn't he want to tell me what's in the box? How bad could it be?

until I opened the box this thing came in.

Woof.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

What's the thought here? My old lady is a giant toaster?

Okay, I'm sorry, honey. We were talking about you and Greg.

Yeah, you can't have a good marriage if you keep secrets from each other, right?

You know, honey, I think a few secrets are okay.

Maybe even healthy.

You know what really ruins a relationship?

Ponchos.

He was just trying to cheer you up. I know, I know, and I'm tired and

and I'm having those typical new mommy fantasies of killing the daddy in his

sleep.

That's a secret you're keeping from him.

No, he knows.

All right.

So you think I should just quit bugging Greg about what's in the box?

Yeah, I do.

Okay.

What do you think, Sid?

We'll start at Neiman's, move on to Saks, possibly Bloomingdale's.

But then there's always the risk of running into one of those dreadful one

sales.

How many cows you figure died to make these seats?

I don't know, Larry.

There's a manual in the glove compartment.

I really want to thank you for helping me out here.

I mean, I thought I hit a home run with the poncho, but go figure.

You did the right thing coming to me, Larry.

Just between us, if there was a Nobel Prize for shopping, Kitty Montgomery

know where to buy it.

Carpet in this car is the softest thing I ever felt.

Oh, Larry, put your shoes back on.

Hey. Hey.

What you got there?

Kind of tears you up that you don't know, huh?

Not really.

Good. Because I decided I need a box of my own to keep things that are private

to me.

Private.

Okay.

Do you want a ride to work?

No, thanks. I have to wait till you leave so I can put this somewhere where

won't find it for three years.

Okay, okay, it's Q -tips and some Canadian change. Now tell me what's in

You know what?

Wait here a minute.

Here's the box.

Here's the key.

I mean, I'd like to have a little privacy, but it's not worth driving you

I'm going to go now. Okay. You have a good day.

Bye.

Oh, you evil bastard.

This is a lovely purse.

Great, let's take it.

Larry, you can't take the first thing that you see.

Kitty, I'm not very good at this. Just tell me what I'm looking for.

Larry, you will know it when you see it. It will speak to you. It will say, take

me, I'm yours.

Will you hear it too?

Mrs. Montgomery, always a pleasure to see you. Oh, Charles.

You did not buy that here. Oh, you caught me.

Charles, this is my... Larry.

And he's looking for a gift for his... woman.

I need it to talk to me. I know just what you mean.

Great. Wrap it up. Hey, that wasn't so painful.

Relax, Larry.

Charles, we could use a little champagne. We're going to browse.

Certainly.

Kitty, you're being a real sport here. Let me buy the champagne.

It's free, Larry.

Sure, if you buy the bag.

Now, look at this scarf.

It's nice.

All right, I'll look at this one.

Well, this seems a little nicer.

Uh -huh.

And you are right.

It is twice as nice.

Have you seen anything you like?

Like? Yes.

Love? No.

Larry, you are doing beautifully.

Charlie.

Stay close with the champagne.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Well, actually, I haven't sinned yet. Unless it's a sin to use a confessional

you're not Catholic.

I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not like I've never done anything bad. I'm a

leggy blonde. Trouble finds me.

Is there something I can help you with?

Yes. The reason I am here is because I heard you guys are really good at

secrets. Do you have a mustache?

Do you have anything to confess, my child?

Oh, here's the deal.

My husband has this lockbox full of secret stuff, which is bugging the HD

hockey sticks out of me, if you know what I mean.

Uh -huh.

And he gave me the key, and he said that I can open it if I want to, but I'm

afraid that if I do that, it'll mean that I don't trust him, which is where

come in.

The box is outside of your little door. The key's on top of it, and if you could

just open it and let me know if there's anything in there that I should worry

about, I'd really appreciate it.

I don't know. That's not the kind of thing we normally do.

Oh, pretty please, with a saint on top?

All right.

You know, as long as I'm here, one time when I was 19, I did something with a

baseball player whose name I don't want to mention, which may have affected the

outcome of the World Series, which I had money on.

Coincidentally. See anything good yet?

Okay, I am opening up the box.

Yeah?

Ooh.

Ooh like ooh or ooh like ugh?

I remember these.

Remember what? What do you remember?

Not something you had to give up to be a priest, is it?

Hmm.

Interesting.

Yep, I knew it.

I knew it was something interesting.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you trust your husband?

Oh, sure, yes, of course.

Then forget about the books.

You're saying there's nothing in there for me to worry about?

I am saying that if you love and you trust your husband, you should forget

the books.

I guess you're probably right.

Well, thank you, Father.

Over and out. Amen.

Yeah, as long as I got you here. I'm 22.

I'm in Cabo. A lot for tequila.

Long story short, I joined the Mexican Coast Guard.

I never report for duty.

But every time I'm in Mexico, I use the ID card to get into movies for half

price.

Where do you think I stand on this, morally speaking?

You shouldn't do that.

Well, this looks promising.

You have said that in every store in San Francisco.

And once in the Versace parking garage.

I'm sorry. I'm trying.

Nothing's speaking to me.

You understand I did not mean that literally.

May I help you? Probably not, but take your best shot.

I got a kitty.

I'm shopping for a gift for someone special.

I don't know what it is, but I'll know it when I see it. All right. Why don't

take a look at some bracelets that I think you'll love? Well, I might like

but I can't promise love.

Yes, yes, I heard you.

Excellent. I lost my buzz somewhere between Neiman's and Bloomy's.

You know, I'm starting to think that the perfect gift for Abby would be

lingerie. It's a shame that didn't occur to you when we were in a lingerie

store. Hey, I was a little distracted. I mean, when did they start putting

nipples on mannequins?

Larry, please.

Just buy something so we can go.

Oh, these are nice.

Ah.

Uh -uh.

Oh, this is, uh... No.

Oh, wait a minute.

False alarm.

What is wrong with that?

Didn't speak to me.

I am speaking to you, Larry. Pick something out.

Hang on a sec.

Oh. What have we here? Oh, it's beautiful. It's perfect. Buy it.

Come on, Kitty.

Is it?

It's a cheap knockoff of a Cartier.

Thank you.

Is there a lingerie store nearby?

No, Larry, there is not.

Actually, ma 'am, there is. La Perla's just two blocks down and Marie Saint

Laurent's just around the corner.

Of course, there's always Victoria's Secret at the mall.

The mall.

Come on, Kitty.

You will burn in hell for this.

Hey. Hey, sugar.

Sugar? I thought I'd try it, but I didn't like it.

That's okay. Sometimes you gotta try these things out.

Listen, um, about the box.

I'm sorry.

The more I think about it, I love you and I trust you. And if you want to have

some place that's private, you're entitled to that.

So you didn't open the box?

Nope. I can honestly say that I did not open the box.

I mean, I considered it, but I figured either A, there's nothing in it that I

would be concerned about, or B, there's something I would be concerned about,

but I shouldn't be, and by not showing it to me, you're really doing me a

Unless it's C, something I...

would be concerned about, but you're oblivious to the fact that I'd be

about it, which I guess makes C a bit of a problem, but not as big of a problem

as D, where you know I'd be upset and you're just screwing with me, which

me to E, which is too twisted for me to even say, but the fact that I can think

it means we've got some real problems here.

Okay, sugar.

Hey, I've got a minute.

What?

Okay, look, I know you feel a little... unappreciated lately and maybe a little

fat. But I'm not going to get into that because you're not.

You're my beautiful wife who has given birth to my beautiful son and here.

Breathe.

Oh, wow.

You like it?

I love it. It's just like the one Kitty wears.

I know.

You always say how much you love it. Oh, where did you get it? Hers was custom

made by a jeweler in Paris.

Really? I got this in town.

Was it expensive?

No, the woman practically threw it at me.

I love it. I love it. Thank you.

Oh, there.

That's weird.

Why don't you put a picture of Greg in there?

That's not Greg.

It's not under the bed.

It's right there. I slept pretty well myself.

It's empty.

I emptied it.

Did we get a new box?

There's no more box, Dharma.

Well, what is it now? Some kind of bag?

I still don't think it's wrong for a person to want a little private space,

it was obviously driving you crazy, and you were starting to scare me a little

bit, so I thought we should move on.

So, what, you got a locker at the bus terminal?

I put everything that was in the box away.

What do you mean away? Where away?

Here, in the apartment.

Where in the apartment?

Well, depends on the thing. I put things where they belonged.

You mean on tables and on shelves and in drawers?

I gotta go. I'm late for work.

Wait a minute. I never saw this before.

Was this in the box?

Oh, no. This was always here.

Bye, darling.

But it's this kind of thing.

Oh my god, I'm in the box.