Original subtitles

Yeah, listen, everyone, while you're stretching, this Sunday at the Civic

is the International Convention of Yoga Instructors. A lot of really big names

are going to be there.

Shatki Kuthra Pali, Paramahansa Yogananda Mahesh, just to name one.

There's going to be fasting and meditating and mantra. The Buddhist

going to be there, so make sure you bring the kids.

Hi, Dharma.

Oh, hey, Donald.

What are you doing here?

I was hoping to talk to you, but you've got a class, so... I think

the word you're looking for is wow.

Wow?

So what's that past college?

Lousy. Do you know who that is?

Oh, Laura, yeah, she's a model.

Yeah, she's a Victoria's Secret model.

And so she?

And so she?

Well, Laura started taking the class, and then she brought Melanie and

Donald, do you need a glass of cold water to drink?

Or pour over yourself?

No, I'll be fine.

Guys, this is Donald Ridgely. He's my neighbor. He's also a huge fan.

Hi.

I have all your catalogs.

So, I gotta start my class. Is there something you wanted to talk to me

I don't know.

You know.

Wanna come over for dinner tonight and talk about it?

Yeah, that'd probably be better. Okay.

Oh, my God.

She's wearing the body flex v -neck camisole with the hidden bralette

from page 16.

It's available in black and white and red and lemongrass.

You want to make it our little Victoria's Secret that you knew that?

Yes, please.

Okay. I'll see you at dinner. All right. Do you need me to pick up anything at

the store?

Because, you know, I do have my own car.

I mean, they're beautiful in the catalog, but it's a whole different

in real life.

I mean, they move and talk.

Your dad's not knocking on the door asking if everything's okay in there.

How come you never mentioned that you had Victoria's Secret models in your

class?

Do I look stupid to you?

Fair enough, fair enough.

So, Donald, Darman tells me you're having a little trouble at college.

Yeah, it's really tough.

I study all the time and I can't sleep. I pretty much live in terror that I'm

going to flunk out.

And you feel like everybody else gets it and you don't and you just want to sit

in the dark and cry.

Yeah.

Man, I miss college.

What's your major?

I'm pre -law. Oh, way to a law school.

Ulcers, nervous tics. I had a blinding headache behind this eye for two

semesters. Best time of your life.

To me, Donald needs to relax a bit and get some rest.

You rest when you're dead, right, Donald?

That sounds nice.

Look, I never went, but it seems to me there's more to college than just

the books. It's parties and football and having sex with some girl just because

you're both reading Beowulf, right?

Would that work?

Dharma, Donald has chosen the law.

For whatever reason, maybe he had a role model.

The point is, it's hard work, but at the end of it, he can look himself in the

mirror and say, I did it.

I am a lawyer.

Great. So you had no fun, and you end up talking to yourself.

Hey, Donald, if you want to get a head start, maybe you can intern at my

you know, see the law in action.

That sounds pretty cool. Not so fast.

He can intern with you, provided he sets aside one night a week where he gets to

raise a little hell and chase a little tail.

Did you say chase a little tail? Uh -huh.

You're an unusual woman, Dharma.

Duh.

Do you think you can hook me up with one of those Victoria's Secret models?

Eh.

Why don't we try a nice girl from the JCPenney catalog and see how that goes?

Okay.

Here's your lunch, sir.

Thank you, my good man.

Did you get my dry cleaning?

Yes, ma 'am. It's on your desk. Hey, you guys, Donald is not here to run your

errands. Oh, no, but I have to type all day.

It's your job.

Now, come on, people. The young man wants to become a lawyer.

He wants to follow in the footsteps of Abraham Lincoln and Clarence Darrow. He

wants to overcome injustice, to protect the downtrodden. Now, let's give him a

chance to experience the nobility of the law.

All right.

Here's a little bit of injustice we'll be overcoming today.

Mr. Charles Haskell. He wants to sue his plastic surgeon because he feels his

breast implants look unnatural.

That would be a tort case.

And here's another exciting case we have in the works.

We're meeting later with this gentleman. He wants to sue the Warner Brothers

Company because he believes he is the real Pepe Le Pew, and they have stolen

persona.

Also a tort.

Or a contract law if a cartoon skunk walks through the door.

You know what? Just don't send the kid out for lunch.

Hey, guys.

steal donald for a couple hours he's working i thought we agreed he was going

intern for me i know but i think i got him into a fraternity really well it's

not a done deal you're still gonna have to paint your butt purple and run naked

through the quad but it's just a formality farmer i am teaching him about

law honey these guys were very nice to me and i don't want to keep them waiting

the boys at the frat house were nice to you don yeah they made me a little

sister i can go to any of their parties anytime i want without an invite come on

let's go

Do you mind, Mr. Montgomery?

This sounds like it could lead to friends. Go, go.

I know it's embarrassing to be naked, but I'll be right there with you holding

your hand.

Uh, Mr. Montgomery, there's a gentleman here.

Ah, there is no rush, mon petit fleur. Mon petit chéri.

I believe our three o 'clock is here.

Hey. Hey, where have you been?

Bonfire.

until these crazy frat guys decided that they didn't like their lawn furniture.

Smell me, I'm smoky.

You kept Donald out until midnight?

Oh, he's still going.

Last time I saw Donald, some really cute girl from Alpha Zeta Gamma was helping

him get the paint off his butt.

Thomas, you say you want what's best for Donald, but how is partying all night

going to help him get through school?

Oh, he's living life. He's having new experiences.

Honey, you shouldn't see him running across that corner. quad naked, one

purple, one cheek gold.

It's a really beautiful tradition. I got all misty on it.

Dharma, Donald is not you. You know, you've had an amazing life. You've done

interesting things. You've flitted around. But, you know, let's face it,

kind of got lucky.

What?

You wound up in a situation where you were taken care of, and that is not

to happen to Donald.

Excuse me?

Taken care of?

Uh... Don't change the subject. You know what I mean.

I know what I heard.

You think you came in here with your job and your money and you rescued me?

Well, for your information, I paid my rent, bought my groceries, and I didn't

need anyone to save me. I'm sure you didn't, honey. I just want to talk about

Donald. Okay, honey.

Let's talk about Donald.

I don't want Donald to wind up 32 years old and rap so tight he doesn't know how

to have a good time.

Who are we talking about now?

We're talking about someone who is lucky enough to have someone like me come

along. Oh, so you saved me?

Don't make this personal, Greg.

Someone like me saved someone like you.

Hey, I knew how to have a good time before I met you. Oh, come on, Greg!

the only person I have ever met who worked 16 -hour days and still managed

get eight hours of sleep.

Well, you know, at least I didn't do my furniture shopping on bulky item trash

day. Oh, I love this couch. You said you got this at Pier 1.

I said I got it at a pier.

You know what? I can't talk about this now. Where are you going? We're having

argument. I know, but it's after midnight and I have to get up at 8.

the counter. The groceries bought with your money have blue stickers on them.

Oh, come on, darling.

This is ridiculous.

Are you sure you want to go Dutch?

The groceries bought with my money have pink stickers on them. Fine.

Got it.

What's that?

Chilean sea bass with a butter saffron sauce with side dishes of wild rice and

asparagus tip.

Um, what you got?

Top ramen.

the flavor packet in.

Chickeny.

So, Donald tells me you convinced him to add a new class to his schedule.

International law.

He told me that you moved him out of his parents' house into some kind of

garage.

It's carpeted and the big door lets a lot of light in.

Sounds wonderful.

It's healthier to cut the apron strings now than have him resent his mom and dad

forever.

Someone like you could understand something like that, right?

That would be my side dishes.

Very nice, everybody.

Excellent.

And hold that position.

Vic, good stretch.

Listen, you haven't paid for class in three weeks. Did you bring any money

today? No, no, I didn't. I'm sorry. I'll bring it next time. Yeah. Well, next

time doesn't feed the teacher. Bye -bye.

Hey,

Phil, nice stretch.

Listen, you're a couple weeks behind in your payment.

Now, we could do this the easy way or the hard way.

I don't think you want to eat that.

My, it's fantastic.

What's in it?

I don't know. You have to ask the vet.

It's the low -sodium goat cream.

Dharma, we were about to go to bed, honey. Is there something we can do for

and I never got an allowance.

Well, we wanted to reward you with love, not money. Yes, but don't you think

giving kids an allowance teaches them to spend money responsibly if they don't

blow it all on a antique paper mache cat sculpture and then have to eat Top

Ramen all week?

Well, I guess there might be something to that.

I really think you should consider giving my little brother an allowance.

All right.

Now, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but if Harry gets an

allowance, then I should get one, too.

60 bucks a week.

Sorry I got home so late.

Did you have a good time tonight all by yourself?

I had a great time. Actually, I forgot how much I enjoy spending time by

Good. What'd you do?

Oh, a lot of stuff. A lot of fun stuff.

It was great.

I'm glad you're doing so well on your own because I've added a night yoga

Which night?

Every night.

Oh, well, I'll be fine.

I got lots to do. Fun stuff.

Lots of it.

Good.

Hey,

what's up with the light?

I unplugged it. You haven't paid your half of the electric bill.

Oh, come on.

Karma, going Dutch was your idea.

You enjoy your light.

I'll just lie here and play with my breasts.

Hey, Pete, I'm a free man tonight. You want to, you know, go to the movies or

bowling or something?

Actually, I can. I'm taking Dharma's night yoga class.

Oh.

The one with the Victoria's Secret models in it.

No, I'm taking the one with the crusty old sailors.

Here you go, sir.

$320. Hey, what's going on? Mr. Cavanaugh hit an exacto at the track.

Pete, we talked about this.

Hey, I didn't send him out for lunch.

I said no errands.

I'm sorry, Greg. I heard no lunch.

Now remember, put the original 20 back in the petty cash.

Hey, Donald, how about you and I go downtown tonight and observe night

you know? You get a gritty, up -close look at the law. I saw a guy bite a

once.

That sounds great, but I can't. I had to get a night job to pay for the

apartment Dharma found for me. Yeah, that was a bad idea, huh? She kind of

pushed you into that, didn't she?

I also have a ton of homework from that international law class you signed me up

for. Hey, if you can't go, you can't go.

What? Aren't you going to ask me if I'm free this evening?

Oh, uh, are you?

Am I what?

I'm sorry, uh, Marlene, are you free this evening?

No.

How's my gal?

recognize that one without the nylon spandex, miracle bra, black, white,

and platinum.

I'm sorry. I know I invited you, but it's a bad idea. Maybe you should just

Oh, no, no, no, no. Here's my 20 bucks. I'll sit in the back. You won't even

know I'm here. No, I can't.

People know you're not here for yoga. It's just not right.

I have about 40 bucks.

It's not about money. These women are my students. They're human beings. And

release.

I can't exploit them no matter how hard up I am.

All right, how about a hundred bucks?

Fine, but you have to do the yoga. Fine.

Everyone, this is my friend Pete.

He's completely gay.

Maybe I just haven't found the right chick.

Well,

this is certainly delightful.

I can't remember the last time it was just the three of us for dinner.

Yes, this is nice. When are you going to cut the crap and come to work for me?

Edward, I thought we agreed we were going to do this a bit more gracefully.

Oh, right.

How's work, Greg?

Guys, private practice is something I want to do, and Dharma supports me.

I'm sure she does, dear. I'm sure she would support you in anything that you

wanted to do. Yes, she would.

That's why it is pointless to discuss your future when she is here.

She puts a cork in your mother better than anyone I've ever seen.

Edward, please.

Wait. Your father is not getting any younger. I implore you to become

with the firm before the stockholders realize your father only goes to work

because he can see tugboats from his window.

Hear her out on this, son.

Look, I've told you a thousand times that I'm not interested in working at

company.

All right.

Fine. I'm sorry I brought it up. It's all right.

What?

It's just that when you were growing up, Gregory, I tried to be that small,

quiet voice, gently urging you to make the right choices.

Now there's another voice in your life, a younger voice, a louder voice.

She means Dormer. I got that.

I need takeout.

Yep.

Shrimp and lobster sauce, imported beer, new shoes.

Very nice.

Did you sell some blood?

No.

Just managing my money.

How was dinner at your folks? Oh, you know, the usual.

Very nice.

All right, you win. You saved me.

for shrimp and lobster sauce.

No, I got a glimpse of what my life would be like without you tonight and I

never want to see it again.

What happened?

I came this close to going to work for my dad.

Well, how'd you get out of it?

I agreed to be in a mother -son charity fashion show.

Yikes.

I have to wear an ascot and a yachting cap.

Hi, Donald. Hi. Look, I'm returning your pants and your popcorn maker.

I'm moving back in with my parents.

How come?

Good for you.

Maybe, you know, you can quit that job and put in more time studying.

He needs to have a life, Greg.

Look, I know what you guys are doing.

What are we doing?

Well, I came to you complaining about how hard things were in college, and the

two of you showed me just how hard things could be.

Is that what we were doing?

Well, either that or you're working out some twisted marital problem using me as

an unsuspecting pawn.

Excellent. Well, thanks.

Good luck to you, Donald. Yeah, very smart picking up on our plan like that.

Make a fine lawyer.

Have we completely forgotten about Donald?

Completely. You don't think we screwed him up too bad, do you?

You want to talk screwed up?

I'm a grown man, and this Sunday, my mother and I will be wearing matching

outfits.

Hey, Pete, you want to go out to lunch with us?

I'd like to, but I've got some plans.

Hi, Pete.

We're so glad you agreed to go out with us.

And thanks for not making us fight over you.

No problem, angels.

He's so hot.

Hey, you know, if you guys aren't that hungry, why don't we just go to my

huh? Sounds great. I'm game.

He's so hot.

What just happened here?

Don't worry, honey. It's just Pete's dream.

What? This isn't actually happening. We're in Pete's dream.

No, no, that can't be right.

Fine, then you explain to me why three Victoria's Secret models are fighting

over Pete.

Excuse me. Is Pete Kavanaugh in?

I have a very important legal question only he can answer.

Okay, it's a dream.

I'm sorry, Mr. President, but he's going to be gone for a couple of hours.

Oh, shoot.

Do you want to come out to lunch with us?

Oh, no, thank you. I have a hat full of waffles.

Mmm, waffly.

I've got syrup in my pants.