Original subtitles

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm saving the seat. Oh, come on. It's crowded in here. I've had

a long day. I just want to sit.

No, you don't understand. See, my husband and I do this thing where he

into a bar and pretends he doesn't know me and then he picks me up.

And then what?

He pays you?

No, but that's a good idea. We'll have to try that.

You know, it's women like you that make me sick.

What? Oh, I'm in a loving relationship. We have an imaginative sex life.

can see why the chair is so important to me.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you what you can do with this chair.

Who has the imagination now?

Look, I sell women's shoes.

I spend ten hours a day kissing the ass of the trophy wives like you, and I'll

be damned if I'm gonna pucker up here.

Okay.

Hear what you're saying?

I hear your anger.

And I would just like to suggest that perhaps your anger is misplaced.

Really?

You think so?

Because I think that my problem is right here.

No, that's not true. So you need to look inside yourself.

Really? Oh, you don't think that I should look here?

You don't think that I should look right here? Stop it. That's not okay. Oh,

well, what's not okay, Blondie?

the answer to that.

No, I don't. Why don't you tell me? Why don't you tell me what my problem is,

smart...

to feel better. Oh, don't be silly.

Listen, when my parents get here, do not tell them my dark, dirty secret.

You didn't do anything wrong. I hit someone.

Okay, but again, she provoked you and she's fine and no one's pressing charges

and everybody there acknowledged that you were just defending yourself. I

my hand in violence.

I saw. You got a great right hook.

So wait, look on the bright side. Maybe... You know, maybe she learned a

Maybe next time she'll think twice before she pushes someone around. Oh, so

I'm the Old Testament God punishing the wicked.

Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Dharma.

No, I'm pretty sure I didn't say that.

Yay, we're here.

Hi.

Not a word.

For what? You'll hit me?

Hello. Hi. Hi, Mary.

Hi. Okay,

thanks for babysitting. No problem.

Aw. All right, here's some breast milk.

Two whole bottles. I woke up this morning so engorged I could have put out

house fire.

to dinner with some friends of Larry's from work? Some of the other security

guards? Not hardly. A couple of corporate mucky mucks.

I thought suit -wearing drones like that were the bleeding canker sores on the

gums of America.

That's what I used to think, too.

Turns out they're pretty nice. And funny.

Guess how many licensing execs it takes to screw in a light bulb? How many?

I can't remember exactly, but it's more than one, and that's the joke of it.

Of course she is. She's terrific.

Don't lie to them, honey. I'm not terrific. I'm bad. I hit somebody.

Did the plan change?

Dharma, what are you talking about? It's nothing really. There's a little

situation with a woman in a bar and Dharma defended herself.

You raised your hand in violence?

Twice. It was a rampage. I ran amok.

defense, and she's all worked up about it, and it would really help if you guys

would tell her that it's not the end of the world. Yeah, well, I wish I could,

Greg, but how do you think wars start?

Have you forgotten everything we've taught you?

Obviously, yes. Come on, Larry, you can't tell me that you've never hit

in your life. Not once.

Not when the Chicago cops were hitting us with sticks. Not when the Mississippi

police turned their fire hoses on us. Not when the National Guard pelted us

tear gas.

Okay, my little brother pulled the tail off my Davy Crockett hat, and I beat the

crap out of him.

That's because without the tail, it's just a furry yarmulke.

Dharma, you have to go to this woman and seek her forgiveness and try to restore

your karmic balance.

See, I don't think that's a very good idea. She was a very unpleasant woman,

she was kind enough not to press charges.

No, honey, Abby's right. I should go make amends to this woman.

Well, what if she won't listen to you? She will if she knows what's good for

her.

line here.

Oh, hi, Bob.

That was fun last night, huh? Yeah, it was. I wish you would have let me pay

something. Don't worry about it. You'll get me next time, right?

Or we could go Dutch.

Sure.

Hey, listen, I know you're a big Neil Young fan, and I happen to have tickets

see him in concert next week, only, uh, I can't go.

Wow.

You look great.

How come you can't go?

Gotta work late.

It's you and me.

I think I'm the only person in the marketing department doing anything.

Really? Does Ed know?

Ed? Ed?

Montgomery? The boss?

You call him Ed?

Yeah. Well, his kid married to my kid, so what kind of family?

Is that so?

I had absolutely no idea.

Oh, yeah.

You want me to put in a good word for you?

No, I... Couldn't ask you to do that.

Sure you can.

Me and Ed are like this.

Well, I mean...

We're like these two here, not these bent ones down here.

But you, you could be like the thumb.

Or this finger here, this finger works too.

Okay, just so I understand, you are going to talk to Mr. Montgomery?

Sure, I'd be happy to do it.

That is great. Thanks, buddy. Okay, buddy.

Have fun at the concert. Thanks.

I'll bring the little woman.

27.

Anyway, if there's anything I can do at all...

Buy you some sunglasses.

In fact, here, just take mine. No.

It's okay.

It was my fault.

It was a bad day. I had a little too much to drink.

Yeah, you sure did.

Hey, what is that supposed to mean? Nothing. Are you saying I'm an

No, no, no.

Alcoholics go to meetings. You're at a bar.

So you are saying that I'm a drunk, huh? I'm just a sloppy old drunk. No, I

didn't say that. I was just agreeing with you.

I would never judge you.

Okay. Okay.

You're all right.

Thanks.

I'm so glad I came over here. You're being so great about this.

You know, I was thinking... What?

Nothing?

No, what?

Well, where I teach yoga, there's a guy who runs an anger management seminar.

What's your point?

I have no point.

It just occurred to me and then the words came out of my mouth.

It's a character flaw I have that you should not read anything into about

yourself because you are a perfect, beautiful human being.

Who can't control her anger or her drinking?

No, once again, you are putting words into my mouth.

Look, I just came here to make peace with you. I want you to be my friend.

You do, don't you?

Absolutely.

I do have a problem.

I really think I need help.

Okay, we all need help sometimes.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Who's this?

This is the woman I told you about from the bar.

The woman that hit you?

Hi.

This is my sister, Lydia. What the hell are you doing here?

I just came to apologize to your sister.

Well, I think it's a little late for that, don't you?

Well, no, I don't.

Ah, you think you can just march your bony ass over here, say you're sorry,

everything's going to be all right, huh?

I was hoping.

Let me tell you something about women like you. Women like you make me sick.

poking, please.

Oh, what? Huh?

Oh, what?

I hit her sister.

What? I was doing fine with the woman that I hit last night, and then her

came in and started poking at me, and I bopped her right in the snoot.

There's no telling what I might do. Do not crowd me, Greg. I am a powder keg.

You are not a powder keg. Do not tell a powder keg that she is not a powder keg,

Greg. That's one of the main ways to set off a powder keg.

Chamomile, chamomile. Nice relaxing cup of chamomile. I think we're out of

chamomile. Oh, perfect. Just perfect.

What am I supposed to drink now?

Ginseng? Why don't I just put a fuse in my butt and light it?

Why don't you sit down and do...

meditation thing. That would be good, huh? I spent my whole life meditating.

Look where it got me. Every time I get mad, I meditate and it just bottles it

up. Okay.

Okay, so what do you want to do?

I don't know.

Maybe I need to learn to express my anger, you know? Just right when it

just get rid of it.

Are you sure you want to start now?

Why wouldn't I?

Well, we have my parents' tree trimming party tonight. Oh, man, what the hell?

I want to go to some snooty, boring thing like that.

Yeah, that kind of felt good.

That'll work. Let's go trim a tree.

Now I don't want to go.

to go to the home of people who kiss.

Watch your spacing, Dharma. You're clumping.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, dear. You have to think of the tree as a whole. Okay, you're

ticking me off here, lady. Back off and let me trim the damn tree.

Mother, it's a beautiful, beautiful tree this year. Is that enough for pine?

It's a Douglas fern. I think your wife has had quite enough eggnog. I'll keep

eye on her. Have you lost weight?

Actually, I'm on the pineapple diet.

So anyway, I thought you should know.

There's this guy doing a great job in marketing.

What's his name?

I don't know.

Name some people in marketing.

There have to be 25 people in that department.

Yeah, but how many of them are named Bob?

Is the guy's name Bob?

Bingo! What's his last name? How the hell would I know?

No, you didn't mean to interrupt me. It's a lot different than you didn't

interrupt me. Capisce?

And there's a guy named Richard doing a great job in the department he's in.

He's overdue for a promotion.

What department is he in?

I don't know.

Name some departments.

Well, that's quite enough of that.

Larry, what are you doing?

Just trying to help out some of the boys at the office. Great guy.

Are these the same guys that took you out to dinner the other night? Dinner,

concert, tire shopping.

They're really beautiful people. Now, I'm sure that they're not just using you

to get to the boss.

That's a pretty rough allegation you're making about my friends. I hope you can

back it up with some concrete proof that happens all the time in business.

Those bastards!

Why would I lie about how much eggnog I've had? It's not even that good.

You know who's had too much eggnog, Kitty?

You have.

I don't think this is working.

Basketball tickets.

Let me be clear about something.

Are you giving me these so I'll put in a good word for you with the box?

No, I mean, that's up to you.

Okay.

Fill this out. Name, department, reason why you're sucking up.

Talk to me.

Face time with the boss?

Gee, I'd have to think about that.

And I'd really love to think about it in one of those fancy ergonomic chairs you

got up there on the third floor.

Good, but don't dawdle. Ed's face is filling up fast.

bad idea honey i tried expressing my anger verbally and it didn't help i know

know but this are you sure you want to do this i

mean i am a volcano bubbling with molten lava if i don't find a way to safely

vent then everyone's gonna have to leave the island including that old guy who

always thinks he can survive what are you talking about you know all that old

guy has lived here all his life and he'll be damned if he's leaving now

any last minute tips? go home

close together when the tree gets all lopsided?

Forget it. This is ridiculous.

Sam, what's wrong?

I don't even get why we're doing this.

So you got angry. So you punched out a psycho drunk. So what?

You know what your problem is?

You think you're better than everyone else.

You think you're perfect. No, I do not.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come it's such a big deal that you lost your temper?

Actually, I'm here to see you. Come on in, guys.

Greg, I want you to meet some friends of mine.

This is Bob from marketing.

How do you do? Hi.

Manny from human resources.

Hello. And Richard from business affairs.

Hi, Richard.

There he is, fellas. The fruit of Ed Montgomery's loins.

Larry, what's going on?

Ah, the famed Montgomery curiosity.

The acorn does not fall far from the tree. does it?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. You guys network, confab, micromanage, whatever blows your skirts

Spill it.

Okay, I'm in a tight spot.

I told these guys I could get them some FaceTime with your father, but he's not

on the same page, you know, face -wise.

So, what do you want me to do?

Well, nothing really.

Just tell him you're planning to squeeze out the old man.

and you're looking for a couple of young Turks to back your play.

I'm not going to say that.

Would a couple of basketball tickets and a hickory farm sampler change your

mind?

No. What about a fancy chair and a set of steel -belted radial?

No.

Well, I got myself in kind of a situation here, haven't I? Yes, you

Okay.

Well...

person who made a mistake. It's just I was raised to believe that any violence

at all is totally unacceptable, but that doesn't take into account our humanity.

You know, I mean, we can strive for nonviolence, but we're imperfect beings

we will make mistakes. We have to forgive ourselves and each other for

mistakes.

I'll forgive you as soon as you finish painting my house.

I understand.

Didn't we have the house painted a couple of months ago?

Yeah, but she has to learn.

I'm saving that seat. Oh, please. I'm pooped.

Look, I said that seat. Take it.

Come on. I had a hard day.

It's a jungle out there.

Do you know how many licensing execs it takes to stab you in the back?

All of them, baby. And that's no joke.

Give me a break. You're a security guard.

You want to hear about a rough day? You try selling women's shoes.

Oh.

What the hell is that supposed to mean? It means...

No, dibs. Who's this?

This is the jerk who took your chair.

Really?

You know, guys like you make me more tired.

We do, huh?

Yeah.

Okay.