Original subtitles

Hey.

Hey! What time did you get in? I thought we were going to have a little date.

I'm sorry. The meeting at the co -op went really... It's been a

week. It would have been okay to wake me. I tried.

I nibbled, I tickled, I bit you on the butt. Nothing.

Oh, good. That's a hickey. I was going to call a dermatologist.

Want to try for a quickie right now? You're killing me. I've got to be in

in half an hour. All right, you and out.

Dear Judge, please excuse Grace's tardiness. He had to run an errand in my

pants.

I'm sorry, honey.

Well, what about tonight?

We could show the dogs how to do it people -style.

I'd love to. I've got to drive to Sacramento and take a deposition.

Oh.

Okay, well, then I guess you're too busy for me to swing by your office and

knock one off at lunch. To tell you the truth, I am.

Oh, okay.

One o 'clock. Don't wear a lot of buttons.

Got it.

Hi,

Marlene. Is Jarman here yet?

No. Perfect.

Why don't you take an early lunch? I brought a sandwich.

Well, it's a...

Beautiful day you did in the park. What do I look like, a squirrel?

A little.

In a cute way.

Is Pete here yet? He's not coming in today.

Great. You want to know why?

Not really.

Hey, how come he gets to walk in here whenever he feels like it and I have to

get here at the crack of 10 .30?

Marlene, Pete just got a divorce and he's going through some...

Hard times.

Oh, yeah, real hard times. He just moved in with a stripper.

Who doesn't speak English, and you can see how that would weigh on him.

Well, isn't that terrific? We're all weepy for Pete, but no one cares about

pain I live with each and every day.

I care. In fact, why don't you take the rest of the day off? And just keep my

pain all bottled up inside until one day the cork finally blows?

Whatever you like. It's your day.

to your cork.

I'm hot -blooded.

I'm hot -blooded. Hey, you're good. Do you know hot -blooded?

James?

Honey?

What are you doing here?

I raced home from Sacramento so we could, uh... He's hot -blooded.

Real late, and Jane and I are going to hook up with Marlene at a bar and help

her meet guys.

Why?

Do you have any idea how long it's been since she has had sex?

I don't want to know. Four years. Four.

You're kidding.

I know.

Are you feeling a little more compassionate now?

No, but I understand how she was able to needlepoint that car cover.

I'm sorry, but I promise I won't be out late.

Well, wait up.

Guess what he was singing?

guy from Marlene.

Everybody's so picky nowadays.

Um, maybe in the morning?

Everybody's so picky.

I gotta...

Hi.

Hey.

Tatiana threw me out.

What happened?

She was jabbering around about something all week.

Finally got a Russian -English dictionary.

Turns out I make her sick.

Tried downstairs at Jane's. Thought I could stay there a couple days.

Maybe get a little sex with the ex.

How'd that go?

About how you'd think.

Did I sleep on your couch?

I guess so.

I'll get you a blanket.

If there's any problem, just say so.

I'll go to a hotel.

Really?

No, it's just what you say.

A possum curled up in my mouth and died.

You want to pull her out?

That's okay.

We've got tonight.

And I'm not going to let anything ruin it.

Well, then here's a bit of a challenge for you.

I promised that we'd go out with Marlene and the guy Jane and I are fixing her

up with.

If you don't love me anymore, you can just tell me.

Come on, I promise.

It's a blind date. She doesn't want to go alone.

Why can't Jane go?

Jane and this guy used to go out and had a big misunderstanding.

I think Jane tried to kill him.

Okay, this is still none of my business, but do you think it's smart to fix

Marlene up with one of Jane's rejects? Just because Jane went out with him

doesn't mean the guy's a loser.

proves nothing.

I mean, it's not like I chose to be a poet. You know, poetry chose me.

Because I like words.

Not all words. I mean, I don't like camber or nur.

Nur?

Well, it's rather a clumsy word, isn't it?

Nur?

You know, Marlene loves poetry, don't you, Marlene?

Oh, well, I'm no expert like Roger.

You know, maybe you two share a favorite poem. Roger, who do you like?

Oh, I don't read poetry.

No, see, that's always the danger that you accidentally copy something.

Sorry, what?

Tabula rasa, my friend. Tabula rasa.

What's that?

It's Latin.

Blank slate.

I'm a blank rasa.

Or a blank tabula.

Whichever one means slate.

You know, Marlene, you're like owls.

Oh, not real ones. No.

Anything with an owl on it.

Really? Yeah.

I love owls.

Well,

I mean, I've never thought about it before, but now that I think about it, I

love the little buggers.

With their big eyes and all the hooing.

You know, they eat mice whole and cough up the bones.

I bet there's a little bit of owl in you, isn't there?

You don't think Marlene is sleeping with that guy, do you?

Maybe.

So what's the plan?

You know what you want or do you need to look at the menu? I think I'm ready to

order.

Hang on.

What are you doing? I'm just going to call Marlene real quick and make sure if

you got home okay.

All right, better hurry. The kitchen closes at 10.

Marlene, it's Greg. Are you there?

Are you there?

Call me when you get in. Damn it. Leaping with him.

Leaping with him.

All right.

Honey, I'll admit, Roger is a bit of a diamond in the rough.

He's a moron in the rough.

If he works real hard, someday he'll be a moron.

But Marlene likes him. Yeah, but she doesn't know any better, and you do, and

you shouldn't have fixed her up with him.

What, do you think she'd be better off alone and miserable?

Well, alone and miserable is better than being with some unemployed leech who

doesn't like the word nurse. All right.

Forget about Roger. Let's talk about somebody who's had someone in their life

for eight years and has completely ignored their suffering. So the fact

mind my own business makes me the bad guy?

Well, I am the one who's trying to help her get what she needs.

Isn't it a little egotistical to think that you know what everybody needs?

Not... Everybody, just the people I care about. Okay, all right, so she goes out

with him, she gets her heart broken, and she's more miserable than she was

before. Is that what she needs? Oh, so I don't know what people need, but you

can predict the future. Yes, I can. Sometimes it's pretty obvious what's

next. Good, then I guess you know you're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Way ahead of you.

Why am I out there? Remember, I'm the one who wanted to have sex tonight.

the one who had the big problem.

Good thing none of your friends heard that.

Yeah, but she's a grown woman. She can take care of herself.

Did you sleep okay?

He snores like a cartoon bear.

Poor baby.

Is there any way I can make it all better?

Well, just keep on doing what you're doing.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

and I were just about to have sex.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Come on, Larry.

Rock on.

What are they doing here? Abby and I are going to make homemade baby food.

Well, she's just going to have to wait.

Wow.

I'm proud of you.

You've never been able to do it with them here before. Well, it takes me a

while, but I'm capable of adapting.

Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom? Your dad just took the Sunday paper

into the other one.

Sure.

You're done adapting, aren't you?

Yeah, what's the longest you and Larry ever went without sex?

Oh, it's over a year.

When he was living in Canada.

Well, we tried phone sex, but he got arrested.

Why?

Well, he didn't have a phone, so he's the only one in the laundromat.

Marlene?

Roger? Smashing day, eh?

Carpe diem, my friend. Let's...

Hide it, Dan.

Grandma, Marlene and Roger are here.

Hey, Greg, if you're going to have company, do you mind if I go watch the

your bedroom?

We don't have a TV in the bedroom.

Well, I think we should think about getting one.

Hey, guys.

Hi. Hello, Donna. How's your karma?

Roger's a poet.

So I see.

I don't care why Greg gets rude. It's none of our business. Fine.

Why?

Well, you know, spending all my money on my girl, things have neglected me rent.

Since last night.

He bought me a Grand Slam breakfast.

Oh, that's nice.

They're massive, really.

So what do you say? A couple weeks advance?

No. Forget it. I'm not giving you money to give to him.

her money. She can do what she wants with it. No. When it's an advance, it's

money. When it's my money, it's my rules.

Wow. The capitalist and the artist.

The eternal struggle.

Marlene, listen to me.

You're making a mistake. You can do better than this guy.

Uh -huh.

Come on, Roger. You can move in with me.

Oh, super.

Well, that's it then.

Bye -bye.

Thanks for everything, Dharma.

Sure. Good luck.

Do you have windows?

I love a place with windows.

Do you believe that? Who in their right mind moves in after one day?

It's different. We got married.

Pete, Greg and I are going to be at his folks, so just call if there's a

problem. Okay.

Pete, did you finish writing those interrogatories for the Beaumont case?

I'll get them.

It's Sunday night. You've had all weekend to do them.

I'll get to it. I just want to see how this ends.

He saves his father from a whale and becomes a real boy.

Hey, do your work.

What did you say?

Nothing.

Have a good time.

Driving me nuts.

You'll miss him when he's gone.

You're awfully quiet.

Is everything okay?

I'm a little upset about this Marlene thing. I don't think I handled it right

all.

Really?

Do you mind if we're a little late for my parents? I just want to make a quick

detour. Oh, roadside quickie. I knew I shouldn't have worn pants.

Um, no, I just wanted to stop by Marlene's and straighten this out. I

be telling her what to do with her life.

Oh.

Well, good for you. I'm proud of you. Thank you. While you're up there all 86

panties, just FYI.

There's nothing I can say to Marlene that's going to change anything.

Don't talk, listen.

That woman's been my secretary for eight years. She's not very good. She's

rather unpleasant. And frankly, when she calls in sick, I do a little happy

dance. But still help me. If you hurt her, I'll be back. And when I'm done

you, nurse will be the most important word in your vocabulary.

So the whole salary advance thing is out of the question, is it?

How'd it go?

Great. I feel much better.

Did you guys hug?

No, but I think a connection was made.

With Roger, too? Oh, especially with Roger.

I don't like anybody here, and your mother won't let me drink.

Okay, guess we're up to speed.

Gregory, Dharma, you're late. Come along, Edward. There's someone I want

meet. I hope his name is Johnny Walker.

It's the Archbishop.

I hope his name is Archbishop Johnny Walker.

Want to mingle?

Not really.

Want to mingle with me? And before you answer, look at what I'm not wearing.

I'll meet you upstairs.

Everyone! All right, everyone. I know we're enjoying the food and the chat,

we are here for an important purpose.

To tell me how thin I look.

Just kidding.

But thank you for noticing.

All right. I do believe the Archbishop would like to make a few remarks.

Thank you, Mrs. Montgomery. Don't bother starting with a joke.

I'd like to thank all of you for the money we raised tonight for our teen

outreach program.

As you know, the media bombards our young people with powerful and unabated

images of sex and promiscuity.

But tonight, right here in this house, we are doing something about that.

I believe we're having a bit of an earthquake.

I think you're right.

All right, everyone, we're having an earthquake. Don't panic. Just put my

down and get out of my house as quickly as possible.