Original subtitles

So, our platoon was pinned down for four days.

Out of rations.

Almost out of ammo.

Everybody's petrified, except the captain here, who is as cool as a

Really?

Water shells are landing all over the damn place.

I'm a brand new lieutenant, fresh out of West Point, trying to decide which is

more manly, crying or wetting myself.

The captain here stands up.

The artillery is flying, mind you.

Walks over to me, calm as can be, and he offers me his canteen.

It was full of gin and vermouth.

He called it the cantini.

Yes, why?

I get it.

You know, he never talks about the war.

I'm surprised he even remembers the war.

Cantini.

Oh, my goodness, that's astonishing.

What did you do?

Well, I marched myself into the China department, I showed them the soup

and I said, look me in the eye and tell me that that glaze has not begun to

crackle. Good for you.

Oh, oh, that reminds me of the sterling silver ladle I ordered once. A ladle? A

ladle. A ladle.

A soup ladle or a gravy ladle? Actually, it was a multi -purpose ladle. You

could use it for soup or gravy. Now, it came in two finishes.

Smooth and what they call sateen.

For two miles, your dad kept his hand inside this kid's chest to

keep him from bleeding out. And this was going back through the minefield.

That was a minefield?

Long story short, I wound up having to change the pattern to match the ladle.

That is an outrage.

Please. Oh, it is nothing compared to the Limoges story.

The Limoges story?

It is horrible.

Limoges put out a series of miniature China versions of world landmarks. Would

you excuse me? I just have to... I just have to.

Of course.

Anyway, I fell in love with this charming little Eiffel Tower. And, of

already had the miniature.

I cut across the quad, thinking I can go around the administration building and

flank them, when all of a sudden this Betakai sniper hits me square in the

chest. And, you know, you wouldn't think it, but those paintballs, they

really... They sting.

Paint.

Balls.

And what was the name of that skinny little sergeant who painted his willy

orange?

That wasn't paint. That was Mercurochrome.

You see, there was this little brothel where you could get your ticket punched

for a can of Spam.

Oh, this is way better than the other room.

X -ray on the whorehouse in front of Armaday.

The damnedest thing happened the other day. Ellen bought this soup tureen where

the glaze was beginning to crackle.

Soup tureen. Is that the one with the handle thing? No, that's the gravy boat.

The soup tureen has two handles, and I so wish I didn't know that.

I don't think the girl caught on. Do you?

No, Dad.

Very utterlse.

What?

Well, that was fun, huh?

What?

Maybe it was fun for you. You were in the whore and spam room.

It was a dream creek without a ladle.

I'm sorry.

Is there some way I can make it up to you?

Maybe you can stick around for my mama's baby shower. Oh, come on. It wasn't

that bad. Ladle, ladle, ladle, ladle, ladle.

Hey,

you know, the general mentioned something interesting.

Oh, well, I was in the room.

It turns out that there's an Army Reserve program for professionals.

You know, like doctors and lawyers where you go one weekend a month and two

weeks out of the year to help out.

Hmm.

Where are we going with this?

Well, he said a guy with my background would start out as a captain.

Maybe even a major.

You're not really thinking of joining the Army. Army Reserves.

Major Montgomery.

Sounds cool, doesn't it?

My dad was only a captain. You're not serious!

you want to join the army i don't know it's it's a guy thing

it's cultural it's it's movies it's uh playing soldier when you're a kid

okay i understand you do yeah

it's a childhood dream i guess it is how about this

You don't join the army, but I'm 100 % behind you if you want to be a cowboy or

a fireman. Okay, well, you talk about this later. You could drive a choo

That'd be fun, huh?

You could wear overalls, a little striped hat, ring a bell.

Hey, sorry I'm late. I guess I missed the baby shower, huh?

No, actually, we just started opening presents.

That's not possible. I played 36 holes of golf with really old guys.

Hey, you tried.

Well, need some help? Um, yeah, actually, I burnt the carrot cake, so

slice this one really thin? Sure.

Listen, I think I owe you an apology. I shouldn't have given you such a hard

time about the whole army thing.

That's okay. I mean, I kind of threw it at you out of nowhere.

I mean, you have to understand how weird that was for me. I mean, you know how I

was raised. If you did something like that, my father's head would explode.

Honey, I think you're exaggerating. Well, fortunately, we'll never know.

Well, I haven't, uh... I haven't decided not to do it.

What?

I think I want to join the Army Reserves.

Well, you can't.

but that's where I draw the line. You cannot join the army.

Are you giving me an ultimatum? Of course not. We don't give each other

ultimatums. It's more like a rule.

Don't roam with fizzers. Don't eat yellow snow.

Don't join the army.

Marcy. You're welcome, Abby.

Hemp one day from Marcy.

Oh, wowie. It's from Maui.

Abby, this fabric is in flame return, so don't use this sleepwear. Is that a

rule?

Uh -huh. We have rules so that people don't do dumb things, remember?

Oh, darn. I would never do anything to endanger the baby.

I wasn't talking about you, Abby. Hey, you don't have to tell me hemp burns.

I'm not talking about you either, Larry.

Then neither was I.

Let me ask you a question. Whatever happened to Dharma the Free Spirit, the

poster girl for you do your thing, I'll do mine? Come on, this isn't about

somebody doing their own thing.

This is just about dressing up in a fancy little outfit and marching around

looking tough.

In a onesie?

I'll be right back.

Unless there's makeup sex.

wants peace.

Come on, if you want to have a midlife crisis, buy a car, have an affair.

Oh, those are the rules for having a midlife crisis?

Yes, I believe they are. Yeah, open mine.

Thank you, Kitty.

Oh, look, this is pretty paper. And it's recycled.

I know how you people love that.

You know what you are? You're a hypocrite. Oh, great.

Use one of your fancy lawyer tricks and make this all about me. It is about you.

Really? I'm the one who wants to go off and wreck the world. I think they're

going to be just fine.

parents because you're on very shaky ground. Oh, look, it's a beautiful music

box.

Play it. Yeah.

Do you want to ruin your life? Fine, do it. Thanks. Thanks for your permission.

I will.

Kitty, music box.

I'm so sorry that I've been so controlling.

I forgive you. Thank you. Let's go home.

Irma, I'm going to Virginia.

Honey, you're only doing this because you felt emasculated when I said you

couldn't. I never felt emasculated. Sure you did.

When I did the choo -choo train and the woo -woo. Come on, that was way out of

line. That wasn't emasculating. It was condescending. You know what, ma 'am? He

doesn't need a boarding pass because we're having a fight and he's made a

valid point that I get.

May I have an aisle seat, please? No, you may not. Do not give him that

Do I need to call security?

Oh.

She's my wife, and I'll let you know.

Have a nice flight. Thank you very much.

Thanks.

Let's just go over this one more time. Dharma, there's nothing to talk about.

I'll see you in two weeks.

Okay, can I just tell you something?

You were so sexy when you proved a point.

You ever done it in an airport? It's called the one -foot high cliff.

I'm going.

Mm -hmm.

And remember, Dermot, you're not going through this alone.

You have friends and family who love you and love Greg.

Although we may not love the path he's chosen.

The war path he's chosen. Mary, we talked about this.

Sorry.

Don't we go to play the G .I. Joe for a while? Think about the plus side. When

he come back, he gonna want hot steaming bowl of Dharma.

That's true.

I thought about that.

Pumpkin, listen to me.

Loving somebody means letting them grow in ways you can't predict or control and

trusting that everything's going to work out fine. I know.

Even when it's hard to understand.

Like here, when a basically nice guy snaps his bean and signs on to be a

mindless gladiator in service of a fascist killing machine.

Larry, go wait in the van.

Okay.

Hey, Finkelstein. Well, well, look who's here.

It isn't the modern -day Abraham sacrificing his only son of the author

World Trade Organization.

Larry?

I gotta go.

Hello. Oh, hiya.

I hope I'm not interrupting your little coffee plot.

Oh, no, we're just consoling Dharma.

Well, that's why I'm here.

Kitty said the girl was worried, so I came over to tell her Greg's fine.

Greg's fine.

He's, uh... Just going to be sitting at a desk pushing papers.

Thanks, Edward, but that's not what's bothering me. I know Greg's not going to

be in any danger. That's right.

Unless, of course, we find ourselves in a nice little shooting war and he winds

up attached to a regiment that's right smack in the middle of it.

What? Well, then it doesn't matter what your job is. It's grab a gun, every man

for himself.

Oh, Edward, why don't you go wait in the van with Larry?

Okay. All right, men. Listen up. We're surrounded.

We're outnumbered. Our retreat is cut off.

There's only one way we're going to get out of here.

It's hand to hand, man to man, and over the top.

What's that?

We're just lawyers.

It doesn't matter what your job is. It's every man for himself.

Didn't you hear Rick's dad talking to Donna? I didn't.

I'm confused. I thought I was going to stay in San Francisco and run the

or we bury them in paperwork.

That's a nice try, but there's no way that I'm sending one of my boys over

bridge to serve a threatening letter.

You don't have to, sir.

I volunteer.

Are you crazy?

When you see Dharma, give her this for me.

damn fine kisser.

Now, example number three.

The army has contracted with, let's say, Acme Plumbing for 6 ,000, let's say,

plungers. Sir. Yes, Captain Montgomery.

Sir, would failure to deliver under the contract be tried under the U .S. Civil

Code or the Uniform Code of Military Justice, sir?

U .S. Civil Code. Thank you, sir.

Now, the Army have contracted with the... You didn't say, as

you were, Captain, Colonel.

Because I didn't call you to attention.

Oh.

Okay.

I'll just sit down.

That would be nice.

Isn't this great?

I thought I'd make major, but, you know, I guess we're all captains.

Now, The contract for the purchase of these plungers will go through a five

-step review process.

Sir, would those five steps be delineated as Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta

sir?

Whatever you like.

Greg in danger?

I don't think so.

Well, what about when we get into one of those shooting wars and it's every man

for himself?

Donna, as much as America would like to see a suicide brigade of lawyers

marching to the front, it's very unlikely.

Okay, how about this? You send him to Europe. He has a few days off. He's in

Venice on one of those gondolas. Someone says, hey, look at that. He stands up

to get a better look. Low bridge, bam, amnesia.

Who am I?

Oh, I'm in an army uniform. I guess I better get my gun and march into battle.

No?

No.

So there's no chance of him getting hurt.

You sound disappointed.

Well, the thing is, if he was in danger, I'd have a right to ask him to come

home, wouldn't I? Well, I suppose.

Now he's just a guy doing his own thing, and I'm a person who believes people

should have a right to do their own thing, and now I have to respect that,

Sounds like you do.

Even if his thing isn't exactly what people usually mean when they say do

own thing, like become a Buddhist monk or pierce your nipples.

I'm sorry.

Nipples?

Nipples, nostrils, whatever.

But how can I support something as fruit bat crackers as joining the army, but

yet... On the other hand, how can I not?

It beats the hell out of me.

I'm just riding the paradox pony to downtown Dilemma Town, aren't I?

I'm sure it'll all work out. Listen, if we're done here, I've got some Army

things to do.

Oh, right, sure, okay.

Oh, I really hope you didn't think I meant you when I said fruit back

I knew you meant the whole Army. Good.

You know, General, I gotta tell you something.

My first impression of you was completely wrong.

Well, I was pretty much right on the money about you.

Waiting

for

your girl, son?

My wife, yeah.

Don't worry.

She'll be here.

Thanks.

Remember,

You've been away.

People change.

Give her time to get to know you again.

That's good advice. Thanks.

How long a hit you do?

Um... Two.

Two years.

Um... Weeks.

And they made you a captain?

I'm a lawyer.

Well, isn't that just perfect?

I crawled across Korea on my hands and knees dodging commie bullets, and all I

got was three lousy stripes and an ass full of shrapnel.

I'm sorry.

Hey! Hi!

I missed you so much. I missed you, too.

Must have been hell.

Sarge, I'm talking to my wife.

Yes, sir.

Two weeks.

It left me for dead longer than that.

You know that guy?

New army buddy.

I was getting a little worried you weren't going to meet me.

You thought I'm still not okay with the whole army thing?

And you're okay with it now?

Nope. But I'm okay with the fact that I'm not okay with it.

So where does that leave things?

You. can do whatever you want and I won't stand in your way.

But you can't be in the army.

But that doesn't make sense. I know, but neither does you joining the army and

I'm okay with that. No, you're not okay with that. I know.

It's a slippery sucker, ain't it?

In the meantime, I love a man in uniform.

No, you don't. No, I don't.

Hey, what'd you get these ribbons for?

Oh, that's a good conduct medal.

Really? Yeah. How'd you get that?

Oh, you know, any number of ways.

Exemplary service to the unit, exhibiting leadership, being quiet and

the other guys ask a question every once in a while.

Lots of ways.