Original subtitles

Hey,

what you doing?

Paying bills.

Hand me the green glitter, please.

Is glitter really necessary?

No, it is not necessary, but it's cute and it makes people happy.

Like nipples on a guy.

Okay.

What's this?

A little thank you note to the gas company, telling them what we've been up

with their gas this month.

Do you really have to tell them that we have sex in the shower?

No hot water, no hot Greg.

I see your point. And Greg.

Hey, what's this Bayside Storage?

Oh, that's nothing. I'll pay that.

Well, I got the checkbook, the glitter, the juicy fruit. I just need to know

what we're thanking them for.

Um, Bayside Storage, it's a storage company on the bay... side.

What are we storing?

I just... some stuff.

What are the odds I'm just going to let this go?

between us at the beginning and I didn't think I should do anything.

You mean in case things didn't work out?

How could things not work out? We were so much in love. We're still so much in

love. You know, in the fluorescent light, you are so pretty.

You've always been sure about us.

Yet here we are, two and a half years later, and you've got a storage locker

full of your old stuff.

I know that's how it looks.

is just ready and waiting in case the freaky chick turns out to be a big

mistake. No!

Then why do you still have it?

I know.

It's a tough question.

Why don't you sleep in your old place tonight and think about it?

And that's why I should pay the bills.

You told me not to.

So you come here and you sleep in your office?

I have a toothbrush here.

Exactly how many backup apartments do you have?

Listen to me, mister.

I was wrong about all that stuff in your storage locker, and if you had bothered

to come home last night, I would have apologized your brains out. And by the

way, I just came from your folks, and they're pretty ticked at you for me

them up.

You forgive me?

I forgave you the minute I walked into our apartment and realized it's filled

with all my stuff. You gave up everything when we got married, and I

nothing. So you do forgive me? I did.

But this whole not coming home, sleeping at your office because you think I'm

mad at you and won't forgive you, this is a whole other jungle of worms, buddy.

Grandma, I'm confused.

Do you want me to come home?

I can't even believe you'd ask that.

is our stuff now.

Unbelievable. How did you do this? Easy.

I called everybody and I'd ever help move, but they were sick, so I hired a

couple of beefy transvestites down on Polk Street.

Are you sure?

Because, you know, my stuff's not really your kind of stuff.

Just stuff. I'll get you to do it. Plus, you have all kinds of cool gadgets,

like this ski machine here.

All of the hard work of cross -country skiing without that pesky scenery.

shoe polisher too bad those little electric shoes never caught on i know i

know it's kind of geeky no no it's not i love it i never had any of this stuff i

want to try it all out hey how's the couch for sex i don't know i never had

on it you big liar come here

Actually, she's at work.

What?

The furniture.

What about it?

What's it doing here?

It's mine. It's my old stuff.

It's yours?

Yeah. What?

Oh, Greg, please don't take this the wrong way, but I think it's evil.

Come on, you're kidding.

I'm putting aside for a moment that it's a feng shui nightmare.

You built your home with the skin.

Cool. I love these things.

Not now, Larry.

You know, there's a guy that invented a car that runs on this technology, but

the government suppressed it to keep us dependent on fossil fuel.

Did Starman know about this? It was her idea.

Oh, green goddess on a cracker.

Is she okay? Where is she? Working. Why wouldn't she be okay?

Greg, my daughter is a sensitive...

Oh,

man.

Now, this makes no sense whatsoever.

Oh, no.

Abby, this is just furniture.

Oh, Greg, this furniture isn't healthy. They've done studies.

What did they do? Make monkeys sleep on beds like these?

Oh, God, I hope not.

Larry, we have to get out of here. My throat is starting to close up.

Abby, Dharma is fine with this stuff. She went to a lot of trouble getting it

here. Greg, I'll make this simple for you. Do you love your wife? Of course I

do. Then pack the stuff up and ship it back to hell.

I love what you've done with the place.

You sure you don't want to go with me?

No, thanks. I really want to meditate.

Okay.

You're cool with my stuff being here, right?

Oh, yeah. I'm totally fine with it. It's just furniture. Right. It's just

furniture. My point. Exactly.

above the old.

We've got biotech losing significant ground today among the losers.

Tired of living a second -rate life in a third -rate job? Take advantage of the

ten secret keys that have made millions for hundreds since the late 60s. In the

time it takes me to say this sentence, you could have earned up to $10 ,000.

Not a get -rich -quick scheme. No money down. You are not at risk. But you will

see results.

if I should throw this pen away.

What brings you here?

I got my stuff out of storage. It turns out I had two of these, and I know you

always liked it, so... Oh, thanks, Frank.

Did you ever do three?

Three comes up on the other side.

decorated the apartment with my stuff.

The hell you say?

The living room furniture, the bedroom set, the blinds, everything.

Is Dharma comfortable living with all your stuff?

Dharma's comfortable living anywhere. She's very spiritual. Material things

don't affect her.

Yeah. I knew a girl like that once.

Then I married your mother.

Everything in this house is hers.

No, except for this room, right? No, none of this crap is mine.

cement decorator picked all this out.

You mean the furniture, right? No, everything.

Even the airplanes?

What the hell would I want toy airplanes for?

I wanted one of those little H .O. train sets, but your mother and Mr. Lorenzo

said no, two against one.

So this isn't yours?

I don't even know what it is.

I think it's a brass railroad spike.

Oh. Oh, I guess that's, uh...

A little screw you from Lorenzo.

But the bar globe is yours, right? Bar globe?

See?

I'm a son of a gun, a bar.

That's handy. I keep a bottle in the desk.

No, no.

This is your mother and some gay guy from Argentina.

This is me.

A beer mug?

It's my college mug. It's the only thing they didn't get.

Ted? Yeah.

That's what they called me in college.

Ted.

Edward, are you in there?

Don't tell your mother about the mug.

mother. You know, I was just looking for what, uh, what on earth is that?

Oh, it's, uh, it's, uh, uh, Greg brought it.

We're not thinking of keeping it in here, are we? Oh, no, no, no, no. He was

just showing me how it worked. Uh, besides, it, uh, clashes with my tiny

The maid must have moved that.

in the Alps. I'm bacon bread. I'm talking to Jane on your Madonna phone

Hang on, Jane.

Well, I'm really glad you're enjoying this stuff.

Stuff? Oh, great.

This is not stuff.

This is a way of life.

Streamlined, hyper -efficient, uses every part of the Buffalo way of life.

You're not my target audience.

Want to fool around?

Sure. Always.

Okay. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll just be, you know, swinging at the

first bit you throw me.

Oh, stop, stop, stop. Better up, better up, better up. Jane, I'll have to put

you on hold.

I never cared for this decor, but it is an improvement.

It's all great stuff.

Yes, I know.

Her stuff's out, his stuff's in.

So it would seem. And she's fine with it.

Very nice for Gretchen.

Guess whose table this is.

Should I take out the salad?

Yes, I know.

So are these glasses. Give it a rest.

So, Ed, who do you like in the election?

Well, I'm a fiscal conservative. No news there. Who do you like? What do you

hear? Give me a name.

Well, now... Moving on. Kitty, how's the charity game going? Any big events

coming up? Well, I have a lunch. Bottom line, are we ever going to cure a

disease this year? Well, I certainly... A toast to Kitty and her fine work.

You people wrap this up while it gets pasta.

Gregory, is Donna feeling all right?

I think she may have a touch of something.

Soft, kick -out, what do you like? Marinara, pesto?

Well, I haven't had pesto. Pesto it is, Ed.

Uh, well... Two pestos, good choice.

Sugar pie, honey bunch? Pesto's fine.

Wrong, not enough to go around. The answer is marinara.

If you want your salad, you should probably eat it quickly.

questions. What do you think you're doing with my mug?

For heaven's sake, Edward, I was putting it away. It's hideous.

Yes, and it's mine.

Fine, it's yours. Why don't I just put it in a drawer so that it doesn't clash

with the room?

Catherine, this is my den and this is my mug, and it's going to stay out here on

the desk where I can see it.

Well, why don't we just tuck it right behind the lamp? I It's a Revolutionary

War flintlock, and I'm not afraid to use it.

It's Prussian, and it doesn't work.

Okay, I'll throw it at you. Now put my mug down.

Oh, don't touch your silly mug.

Good.

And another thing.

From now on, I want to be called Ted.

Don't push it, Edward.

We'll just leave it at don't touch my mug.

Abby, Abby, Abby, Abby, forget how I'm feeling. Let me tell you why I called.

Genius time -saving idea.

Two -bean salad.

No? Oh, come on, I'm spitting diamonds here.

Quick like a bunny, go get my dry cleaning.

I'm on it.

If there's any change left over, you can get yourself a beer.

There won't be.

Hey, when Pete moved in with you, what did you do with all this stuff?

He got rid of it.

It confused him.

What do you mean?

Well, when guys have other bachelor stuff around, it gives them a false

self -worth.

If you get rid of it, they're completely dependent on you.

And Pete's happy like that?

You saw him. He thinks he's getting a beer.

It took the dog's poo off.

Oh, well, I'm sorry I missed that. I'll go with you next time.

Okay, if you like.

Can I ask you something?

Ask me anything you'd like.

Do you miss having your stuff? No, no.

No, it didn't fit in here, and it was silly having it in storage.

But still, didn't it make you feel good just knowing all your guy stuff was

there? Hey, look at me. You are all the stuff I need.

I love you, too. Really? How much? This much?

You don't have to do that.

Come sit down with me.

Okay.

What? Nothing.

Isn't this nice?

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, hey, tomorrow I was thinking maybe we could go down to the paint -your -own

-ceramics place and make a couple of salad bowls like we saw in that

Would you like that?

She makes me pull over at Goodwill.

We buy everything back, and here we are.

Dharma's amazing.

Yes, she is.

I had to give up all my old stuff when I got married.

But you get so much in return.

Yeah, you do.

Anyway, thanks a lot for helping me move this stuff. I owe you one. Oh, no,

we're square.

mug in here, and as you can see, it fights with the motif.

Yeah, yeah.

So, let's lose the hunting lodge theme and go with something collegiate.

I see it. I'm loving it.

I'm thinking small leather helmets, those old leather helmets, sculling oars

over here.

The club will have to go, of course.

You're going to take my club?

It's your own fault, Ted.

Now, about the curtains, I am thinking whimsical.

I'm smiling already.

A print, maybe with little footballs and megaphones. Real bula bula. Yes, bula.

Definitely bula.

Where are you going?

To the garage. See if I can get this thing to work.