Original subtitles

Oh, Katie, my parents wanted me to thank you again for inviting them to your

garden party last weekend.

It was lovely to have them.

My dad's real sorry about what happened.

I understand.

I feel terrible about breaking the head off that little lawn statue.

Donna, I don't think we need to talk about that anymore.

Yeah, I just want to make sure they understand that the only reason he

over the statue was because he was trying to get to the garden hose to put

the gazebo that he accidentally set on fire.

Too bad he didn't make it.

Yes.

Yeah, well, he swears that's the last time he'll wear a cape to a barbecue.

Well, I just think that's good news all around.

So, Mother, what else is new?

Did I tell you Stephanie Northrup called looking for you? Really?

I haven't thought of her in years.

Who's Stephanie Northrup?

Old girlfriend.

Oh, she's the one your mother didn't like.

The one your mother didn't like?

She was very opinionated and she dressed like an anchorwoman.

Although, looking back, I think I may have rushed to judgment.

You gonna call her?

Oh, I don't know. It's a little awkward. Did you tell her that I'm married?

I don't recall. I've been distracted lately by the charred and smoldering

in my backyard.

You should call her.

Well, maybe.

Greg, just because you had sex with this woman doesn't mean that you can't be

friends with her now.

If I couldn't be friends with all the guys I had sex with... Boy, I can't

believe that we burned down that gazebo. How bad was that, huh?

So, when are you going to call Stephanie?

Oh, I don't know. We'll get around to it.

Don't you drink what you want?

Oh, not really.

Oh, come on, Greg.

You know what this is.

She broke up with someone going through her book. Ah, your name.

It's a booty call.

Greg's got a booty call.

Look, if you're so curious, why don't you just call her?

Oh, God.

Hello?

Hi, Stephanie.

Greg Montgomery.

Good, good. And you?

What's up?

I want some booty.

A favor? Sure. What kind of favor? A booty favor.

Well, sure. I'd be happy to do that. When do you need it by? I need it now

need it back.

Could you hold on a second?

She wants to send her son to the same prep school I went to and she needs a

letter of recommendation.

That's where I come from. We call that booty.

That's my wife.

Why don't you send me the form and I'll fill it out? With my booty.

Okay, well, if you're in a hurry, why don't you bring it by? And drop it in my

booty.

Tomorrow would be fine. Let me give you my address.

Well, booty lane meets booty boulevard.

Great.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Hey. We are going to meet someone very special tomorrow.

Who? His name is Greg, and he's an old friend of Mommy's, and I think you'll

like him. He's handsome and smart, just like you.

Something bothering you?

I don't know.

I thought maybe I was going to get my first booty call.

You never had a booty call? I never had a booty call.

Where's your cell phone? On the coffee table.

Okay. Wait here.

Now, Jeremy's seven.

It's got to be eight years ago.

Look at them. They're like two peas in a pod. If peas collected stamps.

Whoa, what's that?

That is the 100th anniversary of the cotton gin first day of issue.

Sweet.

So you're ready to add a little boy to your family?

Excuse me?

Greg shouldn't have brought out those stamps.

Jeremy's never going to want to go home now.

And he is so organized. If I touch any of his things, I just never hear the end

of it. Yeah, I know how that is.

And these are my NASA commemoratives. Mercury, Gemini, Apollo.

What's Charles Wember doing there?

Oh, geez, Dharma, have you been playing with my stamps?

Every chance I get.

Montgomery's allergic to macadamia nuts just like me.

Wow.

Now that is a handsome kid, huh?

Yeah, he's a doll.

Did Stephanie say anything to you about his father? No, but I got the feeling

that it didn't work out well, so I didn't want to bring it up.

Probably smart.

Wouldn't it be great if we had a kid like that someday?

Hmm.

Odds are we will.

So how come you and Stephanie broke up?

Oh, I don't know. She was a lot more serious than me.

In what way?

Well, for one thing, she really wanted to have kids, and I wasn't ready.

And this was eight years ago?

Sounds about right.

Huh.

Oh, jeez.

Earth to Greg.

Yes?

Spoons.

He felt bad about the gazebo, so he's building us a new one.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, I suppose that's all right.

How long is it going to take him?

Could be a while. He asked me if I had a book on how to build a gazebo.

I will never understand why Abby puts up with that man.

Maybe because he has a hell of a Johnson on him.

I just want you to know that I'm not going to say another word about the

possibility of Jeremy being your son.

Thank you.

You're welcome. I would, however, like to show you a picture of yourself in

second grade. Whoosh!

Fine, fine. He does look a lot like me, and so does the guy at Home Depot. Is he

my kid, too?

Maybe. Were you having sex with his mother at the time that he was

Because that's how it happens, Craig.

Fine, fine. Let's just assume you're right.

Whoosh! Stop, stop.

Explain why Stephanie never contacted me.

Until yesterday.

Then why didn't she say anything?

Guys, that's hard, Greg.

You don't just show up in someone's life after eight years and go, here's your

kid.

No, I guess not.

Isn't it possible that maybe she's introducing him into your life and

tell you in her own time?

I suppose that's possible.

There's nothing to be scared of, honey.

If Jeremy is your son, I'm totally okay with this.

Really? Of course.

Let me see the picture again.

Whoosh!

Okay, how about this?

What if Stephanie was so hung up on me when we broke up that she immediately

involved with someone who looked just like me and they had a kid?

Greg, listen to yourself.

Yeah, you're right.

I might have a son.

I don't know if I'm ready for this.

You're not alone, honey. We're a team.

We'll do this together.

Thank you.

Like,

for instance, I could be the one to tell Kitty she's a grandma. That'd be a big

help.

Well, how's the gazebo coming?

Oh, I have no idea.

I wasn't looking.

Looks like he's doing a pretty good job.

Uh, Edward, I was curious about your earlier comment.

What comment?

About Larry and his, um, his, uh... His tallywhacker?

Yes. How do you know?

Well, he went golfing with us that one time, and we took a steam.

His people call it a schwitz.

Aha. Isn't that colorful?

And you saw his schwitz?

No, a schvitz is a steam. The word you're looking for is... Hi, guys.

What do you think?

Starting to come along, huh? I wouldn't know. I wasn't looking.

Man, it's like a schvitz out there.

Mind if I take a dip in your pool?

I don't see why not. I'll see if I've got some trunks that'll fit you.

Thanks, Ed. That's mighty big of you.

myself a sandwich? Oh, certainly. Help yourself.

Wow.

I hope I have enough meat for this.

I'm joking.

Look at the size of this salami.

Good school.

Is this the school you went to? Yep. Brookside Academy.

Oh, God.

What's wrong?

This is so sad.

What? Look.

These little boys have to wear uniforms like they're in some kind of miniature

army.

Uniforms? Those are nice blue blazers. Oh.

It's a dining hall. It was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.

And what kind of school makes little kids fight each other for sports? That's

Greco -Roman wrestling. It's gym.

This is gym?

Where's the skipping and noodle tag? And, hey, I bet I can fit in there.

Okay, well, maybe it's not as loosey -goosey as being home school. And loosey

-goosey? Did you play loosey -goosey?

But, Starma, trust me, this is the best college prep on the West Coast.

for a minute.

Did you have any fun while you were there?

School? It's not supposed to be fun.

And you really want to send your son to this joyless place?

Yeah.

I mean, maybe it's a little regimented.

Greg, you don't have to sit on a hard chair in a wool blazer to get an

education. I mean, I learned about American history by living on an Indian

reservation. I climbed trees to learn about bugs. and birds and gravity and

first aid.

The school offers everything.

Look, look, a first -class language lab.

You'll learn it quicker when your parents just drop you off in Chinatown.

come on.

Would you rather learn about thermodynamics from a book or by going

-air balloon trip with your folks to Mexico?

That's how you learned about thermodynamics?

And geography.

And wind currents. We were shooting for Canada.

I'm not saying that Jeremy should be homeschooled, but wouldn't you want him

be in a more nurturing environment?

What are they doing here, learning how to beat each other with sticks? That's

lacrosse. It's a game.

Listen to you. It's a game.

Okay, we'll see you at three.

Hey, good news.

Your dad's going to fly down for your interview tomorrow.

Dad? Yeah. Cool.

I hope this isn't a bad time. No, no, come on in. I just got to make a quick

call to my office and I'll be right with you.

Jeremy, look who's here. Hey, Mr. Montgomery.

Hey, Jeremy.

What are you listening to?

I'm learning French.

Oh, great.

I studied French.

Très bien.

Maman, je ne parle pas français pour l 'école.

Your mom said... What?

That I need this for school.

Oh, you might.

Is it fun?

I don't think it's supposed to be fun.

even think french people like it you know jeremy i went to the school that

might be going to and i gotta tell you it's not a lot of fun either really no

if you want maybe i can talk to your mom about some other schools jeremy why

don't you go finish your homework mom mr montgomery said that i heard what he

said go finish your homework okay what are you doing well

I've been thinking about it, and I'm just not sure that Brookside is the best

place for Jeremy.

What? Well, I think we should consider all the options before we make a

that's going to affect him for the rest of his life.

We should consider the options?

Yeah.

I haven't seen you in eight years. I call you for a letter of recommendation,

and all of a sudden you want to participate in Jeremy's upbringing?

I'm just trying to be a part of the boy's life.

I don't recall asking you to be a part of his life.

You will, in your own time.

You know what, Greg?

I think that you should just leave now.

Okay. Well, that's your prerogative.

Yes, it is.

You know, my mother made me study French when I was little, and now I can't even

order soup.

Je voudrais de la soupe.

Hello.

It's not too big, is it? What?

The gazebo?

Oh, the gazebo, yeah.

No.

Listen, I'm sorry to bother you, but Larry forgot to take his herbs this

morning, so I brought them by.

Hey. How's it hanging?

Hey, baby.

Hi. Whoa.

Be careful. You could hurt somebody with that.

the gazebo coming. Pretty good.

I think I got too much wood, though.

We can always use that at home.

Unless Kitty wants it. No, no.

Okay, well, uh, back to the grind. Okay.

Don't forget your herb. I won't. See you later.

Abby? Yeah? Um, could I ask you a personal question?

Sure. I, uh, was, uh, what? Oh, never mind. It's not important.

It's about Larry's penis.

Oh, no. I saw you looking at it. Would you like to see it? Because he's not

Larry! Larry!

Would you come back here for a minute?

Hey, what's up?

Nothing. Just teaching Kitty some manners.

While you're at it, maybe you can get her to stop staring at my penis.

My tie straight?

Yes, honey, you look great.

Huh? My tie straight? It's fine.

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Well, I feel badly about how we left things the other night, and I never got

give you the recommendation, so here.

Thank you.

Stephanie?

I just want you to know that if you change your mind and decide that you

Greg to be part of Jeremy's life, that I support that and I'm completely

comfortable with it.

Jeremy, I'll be right back.

Listen, I don't know what you two are up to, and frankly, I don't care. I'm

sorry I ever called you.

You know, Stephanie, I do have some rights here.

And to tell you the truth, I think you're handling this rather poorly.

Oh, really?

You want to know what I think? I think you're both nuts.

Hey! now. We have been very patient with you.

Hey, Jim.

Sorry I'm late. Am I tie straight?

You look great, Dad.

Who?

My ex -husband, Jeremy's father.

Oh.

Gotta go.

Good luck with everything.

here at the dining hall was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. It's beautiful. Bye.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,

sorry.

Where's your cell phone? In my briefcase.

Okay. You wait here.

Uh -oh.

This is booty central.

Press one if your booty is hot. Press two if you want hot.

Stop pushing the button.