Original subtitles

And we put it in a bubble, and we blow it away.

Go on.

Um, well, over the past several years, I've also lied to you a few times.

Mm -hmm.

I never had a weak reticulonic, I've never had a lesbian experience, and I've

never mooned a cop.

Why would you lie about those things? I don't know. You're my mom. I wanted you

to be proud of me.

Okay, I forgive you.

And we put it in a bubble, and we blow it away.

Anything else?

Um, yeah.

Okay. Remember that one time when I told you that me and some friends were going

down to Bakersfield to pick fruit with migrant workers?

Mm -hmm.

We went to Disneyland.

So, I assume this is the first time you've seen a karmic unburdening. Oh,

family also has a tradition of confessing our sins to each other every

years. Really? No.

You've got to admit, it's a little out there. No, Greg. It's science.

Every seven years, all the cells in your body are replaced by new ones, and you

don't want to saddle them with the sins of the old.

Didn't you study biology?

Yeah, but they didn't let us lick our frogs.

Anything else?

I've been doing an impersonation of you that isn't very flattering, but, you

know, gets big laughs.

What kind of impersonation? Well, not so much of an impersonation as it is an

exaggeration for a comic effect of how you act, sometimes monthly.

Monthly? Uh -huh.

Oh, well, I can laugh at myself.

Why don't you go ahead and show me?

I don't want to.

You don't know what good can come of this. You'll see. It'll bring everybody

closer together.

You get that going out of this house right now, Larry Finkelstein!

Come

on,

Abby. Everybody else thinks it's funny. Larry begs me to do it.

It's common knowledge. If you don't unload your karmic baggage, bad things

happen to you.

Like when you break a mirror.

No, that's a superstition. This is science.

I remember once I skipped an unburdening and boom, I lost the best job I ever

had. Well, maybe you just weren't right for the position.

No, you're not listening.

I lost the job.

They said start Monday.

I bought a new shirt, got in the car early Monday morning, drove around for

hours, couldn't find it.

Finally, just went to the movies.

You can come in now.

So, how'd it go?

Fine.

Just fine.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to return your mom's pasta maker, and I figured while I'm over

there, I'd unburden to her.

To my mother.

Yes. You're going to confess to my mother everything you've ever done to

since you met her. Yeah, this could take a while. Don't hold dinner. No, no.

You can't go.

Why not?

Because you haven't unburdened to me yet.

I thought you said it was silly. Yeah, well, that was before I thought you'd do

the bubble thing, and then Larry explained the scientific aspect.

Hey, if you want, we can return the pasta maker. Oh, thanks, sir. Great.

go, Ab.

Okay. Should we take the van or my broom?

Abby, we put it in a bubble.

She said she put it in a bubble, but she did not put it in a bubble.

Hey, Julia.

Friday night, Dama's having a little party to celebrate the completion of her

karmic unburdening. Can you come?

It sounds like a barrel of monkey.

clean a dentist's office in exchange for bridge work.

Wait a minute.

Don't you have a dental plan?

Yes.

I cleaned the dentist's office and he does my bridge work.

I think it's a pretty good plan.

What does your union representative say about this? Who is your shop steward?

What on earth is he doing in there?

You don't suppose he's waiting for us to come in and say hello?

Excuse me, Mr.

and Mrs. Montgomery?

Yes?

I am on strike.

Now storm out.

Sorry, what is going on? You'll find out when you get our list of demands.

Well, I guess we should have said hello.

after we were married, one of your old girlfriends called, and I chose not to

give you the message.

Really? I also told her that you were in prison.

And gay. And seeing someone.

Okay.

And we'll put that in a bubble, and we'll blow it away.

What else? Okay.

Well, one time when we were having sex, I pretended, you know, that I didn't

have an orgasm.

having one? Well, I wanted to go again. I didn't want to have to wait in line.

I'm sorry.

Okay. Bubble and blow.

I won't do it again. All right.

Anything else? I did it like 30 more times.

All right.

Next.

That's it. Thank you for doing this. Wait.

Where are you going? I'm going to your mom's. No, you can't go to my mother's.

Why not? Because this whole thing has inspired me and I want to un...

burden my karmic baggage to you.

Really? Sure.

Okay, rookie, let's see what you got.

Okay, here's one, here's one. Do you remember the pigeon's nest that was

under our bedroom window?

The one the hawk got? Well, there was no hawk.

Cooing and the chirping was driving me nuts, so I moved the nest to the park.

You can't just move a bird's nest. The mother will never be able to find it,

the chicks will starve to death.

I know that now.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, but I've unburdened, and you're right. I feel so much better,

baggage -wise.

You murdered babies?

Not babies. Pigeons. Rats with wings.

Actually, much better. They were right under the window. Come on, come on. Blow

the bubble.

Come on.

Okay, okay, okay.

Is that it? Can I go to your mom's now? No, you can't go to my mother's now

because there's more. There's lots more.

Okay, go ahead.

You remember that gnarly spider we had in the kitchen? Oh, no, not Charlotte.

But most importantly, we have to show off strength.

stand together.

The only thing that can destroy us is dissension within the ranks.

It's only me, Mr. Larry.

Good.

Now, how about a nice cup of tea?

Okay. Oh, no.

You're not a maid in this house.

You're our guest.

It doesn't matter whether you deserve it. You're entitled to it.

Mrs. Montgomery isn't an easy woman to work for.

Very high strung.

If I didn't switch her real coffee for decaf, she would be bouncing off the

walls.

She doesn't know you give her decaf? Oh, no.

And I watered down her martinis so she won't get drunk.

And every time she asks me for a volume, I give her a mild laxative.

imagine what she'll be like without you.

I can.

Mother?

Dad? Hello? Anybody home?

Oh, Greg, hi.

Listen, um, Dharma's on her way over. I kind of need to warn Mother about what

she's doing. Oh, son, this really isn't a good time.

Oh, Gregory, perfect.

I have laundry to do.

Don't look at me. Zip her up.

We are cooking pepper. Who wants coffee?

I'll pay the rent. I'll wear a purple thong.

What the hell's going on?

I don't know. She went to the change six months ago.

Maybe she's changing back.

How much has she had to drink?

No more than usual.

Has anything upset her?

Well, maybe it's the Celia business.

What's the American Federation of Montgomery Household Worker?

Senior. Since when does she have a union?

Since your father -in -law organized her.

Hello, hello!

Hey, what are you doing here?

I just dropped by to see my folks.

Tell them I love them. I love you, Dad.

Oh, all right.

role -playing? Should I come back some other time?

I think this is the perfect time. Come on, Dad.

Should we call Mother's doctor?

Uh, tomorrow morning. I might get lucky tonight.

Kitty?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Absolutely.

What's up, paper cup?

things that i've done to you that i'm not very proud of uh -huh and i thought

well i wanted to unburden myself to you and ask for your forgiveness i love it

one two three go okay um

remember that big charity event you had at the museum i

just want to tell you that it was inappropriate of me to bring a sick

even though he wasn't a little puck

Is that all that's troubling you?

Oh, no, there's tons more.

Let me see.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Tube top.

Yes. Uh -huh.

Drag queen in the jacuzzi. Okay.

Oh, so that's how the patio furniture got to Mexico.

Okay.

You're forgiven.

Really? Mm -hmm.

I mean, after all, you didn't do it on purpose, right?

How can anyone do this kind of thing on purpose?

Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I might get lucky tonight.

I called Celia's house. They said she was here.

She might be.

I just need to talk to her for a minute. Dad says she knows how to deal with

Mother when she gets... the way she is.

Are you here speaking as an official representative of management?

I just need to talk to her. Quick.

Celia's on strike.

As her union representative, I demand that an official representative of

management be sent to negotiate. Fine. I'm the official representative.

You are the official representative of the Montgomery Household Domestic

Management. Yes, Larry, yes. Good.

We have nothing to say to you.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

One time when I was babysitting your monkey, I took him to a fancy party

telling you.

Is that where he started smoking again?

Mm -hmm.

Do you know how hard it is to get a nicotine patch to stick to a monkey?

Sorry.

I think that's it. You're the last one.

You even unburdened a kitty?

Yep.

What did she say?

As long as you didn't do it on purpose.

That she forgave me.

Cool. Yeah, I am right with the universe. Bring on the next seven years.

Oh, man.

I paid 12 bucks for this coat. Hey!

My husband's the pigeon killer.

I'm sorry about your dinner.

It's okay. It's not like you did it on purpose.

I want it on record that I object to the fact that we're meeting on

management turf.

Larry, nobody's keeping a record. Then I want it on record that I object to the

fact that a record is not being kept.

The record will still reflect.

So, uh, what's it gonna take to get Celia back to work? I'm not paying her

another nickel. She's worth twice what you're paying her, and you know it. Hold

on, hold on, Dad.

How much is she making right now? Plenty. How much?

How do I know? The accountant pays the bills.

Larry, do you know?

Do I know what?

I'll just let you guys work it out.

Is that soup?

Yeah.

gonna have to dye the whole thing to match the pigeon crap.

I'm starting to have my doubts, too.

Damn, my ample bosom.

I'm going to try and climb over the top.

What are you going to stand on?

What do you think I'm going to stand on?

Well, put some paper down.

Careful. Thank you.

By the way, I'm sorry we missed the movie.

That's okay.

It's not like you did it on purpose.

I've written a number down.

Assuming it's more than Celia makes, it is my final offer.

I think you can do better.

You didn't even look at it. That's why I said I think.

Are these the only pickles you have?

Ficklestein, look at the damn number.

Let me ask you a question, Ed.

How's your wife been doing since the union walked out?

What are you getting at? Heads up!

Kitty? Yes, Edward?

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm puppeting the house. No thanks to you.

Oh, coffee.

What I'm getting at is, if you meet our demand, I guarantee a little domestic

problem will go away.

Mother's milk.

All right.

You win. What are your demands?

You're ready to hear I demand.

Yes, I am.

Do you want to pick this up in the morning? I'd really appreciate it. Thank

So do we sing happy birthday or something? It's not a birthday, Pete.

karmic re -birthday.

But basically it's the same song, right?

We made snacks.

You're hungry.

Oh, honey.

You okay?

Yeah,

I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay.

She's okay.

Now what happens?

She lights the ceremonial candle of the next seven years.

Should I get the fire extinguisher?

guacamole dip but on the kitchen floor so be careful it's very

sorry you okay pumpkin yeah

i'm fine how about you my pumpkin's hurting let's do this all

right we're gathered here to welcome dharma to the next seven years of her

but dharma i want you to take this candle and pass the flame of life from

gone by to days to come.

Hold it.

Darling. Smile.

Are

you

okay? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's not like you did it on purpose.

All right, Dahmer, let's go. Where are we going? You'll see.

All right, look.

All those things on my list, the monkey, the drag queen, the stuff I said was

chilly, the confetti, the cantaloupe, the water wiggle, the garden party, I

it all on purpose and I liked it. No.

I loved it.

Hello, Dahmer.

Hi. Hi, Ed. Hello.

Anyway, Katie, I want you to... know that I'm really sorry, and I hope you

find it in your heart to put it in a bubble and blow it away.

I beg your pardon?

Can you ever forgive me?

Of course I can forgive you, dear. I forgive you.

Thank you so much. You're an incredible woman.

Okay, I gotta go. I'm the rebirth day girl.

What was that all about?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, I wasn't listening. I feel as if somebody opened

and poured in hot nickels.

Here you go.

Oh, Mrs. Montgomery.

Oh. Just the way you like it. Strong.

Like a bull.

Here, take this. What is it?

Let's say it's a volume.

Where is your uniform?

It's casual Friday.

It's in her new contract.