Original subtitles

My precious doubloons.

Come back here, wench. Come on.

Are you okay?

I stubbed my toe. I'm going to take the eye patch off.

Oh, Greg.

Then you're just a naked guy with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder.

Right, all right. I'll put it back on. But you have to slow down.

Okay, but promise on your honor there'll be no monkey business.

Aye, I swear.

you've got there.

Could you drag us to this third world Petri dish?

Be patient. It grows on you. Oh, I'll bet it does.

Couldn't we at least find a clean table?

Not here.

Dama, I think I saw a Board of Health notice out front.

You probably did.

Dama, I cannot possibly stay here.

Hang on.

Hang on for what?

Hey, good afternoon, ladies.

I'm sure they are.

Get back, Loretta.

Stop it.

Still want to leave?

Well, we're here.

Oh, this is bad karma. I'm going to get pinched in Italy.

I must say, I do think it is a bit inappropriate for a group of married

be ogling and, uh...

admittedly magnificent young man.

Kitty, I love Greg, and there will never be anyone else for me. But if I'm not

free to appreciate a handsome man, then I'm not free to appreciate a beautiful

sunset or a magnificent painting.

Or that ass.

Or those arms.

Or those smoky eyes that seem to burn into the depths of your soul as if they

knew exactly what you had been missing all these years.

the ugly truth.

Kitty, is there something you'd like to share with us? Yeah, aren't you getting

everything from Edward you need in the bedroom?

Isn't that a rather personal question, Dharma? Oh, yes.

Well, you might say that after a certain time, the dance does become

routine and one can do the steps in one's sleep.

And to be frank, occasionally one does.

You know, if you're looking for a way to spice things up, maybe... Maybe I can

help you out.

Kitty. I keep a very detailed journal of everything Greg and I do in the sack,

and I'd be happy to lend it to you.

Well, I am right in the middle of Angela's ashes, but as soon as I finish

it will be my next read.

You do know that by souvlaki I meant Greek waiter butt.

I know, I just can't.

What's wrong?

I'm going through my sex journal.

For kidding, crossing out things that might kill Edward.

When I started to notice something.

On the 11th of every month, Greg surprises me in the shower and we have

wonderful sex.

Yeah, so?

Okay, check this out. And this was not easy to figure out.

We have fun with food sex every time there's a space shuttle launch.

Maple syrup, whipped cream, loaf of bread. What did he do with a loaf of

Dharma sandwich.

Don't you see, Jane? There's a pattern here.

Wait a minute.

Everything you guys do is planned out months in advance. I don't plan out sex.

I'm a free -range chicken.

McGreg. Are you going to say something to him?

I can't say anything until I'm absolutely sure.

How are you going to find out?

Hi, it's Jane.

Bye.

Is that fun for you?

Oh, yeah.

You shivered me timbers.

Are you sure? Because you seem like you weren't really into it.

No, no, no. I always loved Pirate Night. Because I can drop the whole very

treasure. No, that's my favorite part.

Okay.

The ex could mark a different spot from time to time.

life is in crisis.

I understand why you're so upset.

Nothing's really changed.

Are you kidding?

How would you feel if you were 99 % sure you were going to have sex on the beach

tonight?

Sweaty. A little nervous.

I'm just saying there's things we're better off not knowing.

Like what?

Like would it ruin it for you if you found out that Stavros was a doctor back

home and he was just working here until he got his American license?

Are you saying Stavros is smart?

He's a surgeon.

You take that back. He's dumb and hunky and you know it.

See, nothing's changed, but now it doesn't work for you, right?

No, it doesn't. Why would you do that?

Just trying to make a point.

Stop, Rose. Come here.

Where is my medulla oblongata?

Coming right up.

is kiss you, Mrs. Johnson. I shouldn't even be doing this.

That's not the way I heard it. The way I heard it, the woman's name was Mrs.

Taylor. Really?

And how'd that one go?

Well, there was this woman, Mrs. Taylor, and she goes to visit her gynecologist.

Would you two stop? It's the same damn joke.

Jiminy Christmas.

What crawled into your pup tent?

You're not still bent out of shape because of that beach, are you? No, I

care about that. I didn't cheat. I said I didn't care.

Well, except I'm 14, but you knew that.

Me?

Where's that ball you lost in the woods?

No, I don't care about the golf. It's Dharma and me. We're just having a

trouble. It's not important.

What kind of trouble?

If your house looks clean.

It's personal, all right?

Ah, the honeymoon's over, huh?

No, we still have sex all the time. It's just the last couple of weeks, it

seems...

Detached. But you still have sex all the time.

Yeah. And your house is still clean.

Can we please not talk about this? Look, son.

I've been married a long time.

To your mother.

And one thing I've learned is that passion comes and goes.

And when it goes, you've got to stay the course.

Stay the course?

Stay the course.

Do your duty as a husband and someday her passion will return.

How long does that take?

I'll let you know.

This is Mrs.

Taylor.

Hi.

Hey.

For you.

Thank you. This is unexpected.

What's the occasion?

No occasion, just because I love you.

Wow, this is so spontaneous.

You know what I was thinking? How would I know what you were thinking?

Why don't we take a little drive, maybe down the coast, get some linguine at

that little place on the pier?

Wouldn't that be nice?

Yeah, it would be.

And maybe afterwards we can take a walk down by the water?

And make love on the beach?

See, you did know what I was thinking. I'll get the blanket.

on the beach?

Mm -hmm. And it was really romantic.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

What should I do, Abby?

Greg has scheduled every moment of our sex life. Well, not honestly, Dharma.

It's not his fault. It's just his nature.

Come on.

Are you telling me Greg is pre -programmed to sip champagne out of my

button every time PBS has a fundraising drive?

Should I say something to him?

What would you tell him?

I don't know. It's hard to get all worked up about a guy sucking on your

when you know he's only doing it because his car got waxed.

Those don't sound like helping words, Dharma.

Well, isn't there anything I can do? Forgive me for suggesting behavior

modification, but maybe there's a way that you could gently sway him from his

schedule.

If that doesn't work.

No,

I can't say anything to him.

I might traumatize him.

I care.

Well, I'm going to try some subtle behavior modification.

Were you, uh, were you cooking something?

No.

Stay the course, son.

Stay the course.

Come here, Gil.

I'm telling you, Pete, I'm doing everything I can, but it just keeps

worse and worse. Last night, I swear she took a bath in sour milk just so I

would leave her alone.

Did you?

Of course not. I love her. I, you know, stayed the course.

Your woman makes love to you every night, and she's just going through the

motions. That can only mean one thing.

She's covering up an affair.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Yo, buddy.

A guy's wife makes love to him every night, but she's bored from the poke to

smoke.

She's cheating on him. Really?

How about you?

Your wife's doing you every night, but she's bored from the chitty to the bang

-bang.

Sounds like a classic case of marital infidelity.

Thank you.

What do you think?

I'm sorry,

man. I can't believe that. Not Dharma. I'm going home.

it's someone you know.

Thank you.

Sorry, ma.

Hey.

Where you been?

I stopped and had a beer with Pete. Listen, is there anything that you and I

need to talk about?

What do you mean? Come on, something's going on.

You figured out what I've been up to, huh?

I'm not sure. Why don't you tell me?

Look, it's not your fault. I'm the one with the problem. But I'm afraid if I go

over the details with you, it's just going to make you feel worse.

How can you be so casual about this?

It's not the end of the world.

I mean, it's not like it was premeditated.

So we're just supposed to go on like nothing's happening?

Honey, we could talk about this all night, but we both know what's coming

so why don't we just get to it?

Where are you going?

I want you to meet someone.

I can't do this.

every time you get your alumni newsletter, you like to play big man on

and I thought the outfit would help.

How did you know about the newsletter thing? I told you. I figured out your

schedule.

That what's been going on?

Yeah, what did you think had been going on?

Um, nothing.

Or that. I kind of thought it was that. I wasn't sure.

Don't worry. I'll get used to it. I mean, it's not like you were doing it on

purpose.

Wait, you think what I was doing was unconscious?

What do you think I am, some kind of freak?

So you actually sat down one day and made up that schedule?

Oh, God, no. It took weeks.

Why?

Because when we got married, I figured you were, you know, a little more

advanced, maybe, than me. And I had to come up with a way to keep you, you

interested.

Dharma, a guy like me goes out with Allison's and Emily's and Catherine's,

you're a Dharma. It was a little intimidating.

Get out of town, really?

Really.

Wow.

You're killing Emily now.

Listen, I know that I should have given this up a long time ago, but I put a lot

of work into it, and it was kind of doing the job.

Say we toss the math and do a little off -roading.

Absolutely.

But can we start tomorrow? Because that jewelry thing is kind of working for me.

I know. That's a pretty cute job. Oh, yeah.

Do you buy it or rent it? Oh, no. I rented it. Oh, we should buy it.

We'll save money in the long run.

It's in the doctor's office, right? Now, excuse me, gentlemen. I'll have you

know my wife was not having an affair. She was just distracted because she

figured out that I schedule each and every sexual move I make.

I guess we're the idiots, huh?

So anyway, Mrs.

Taylor's up in the store.

Come in.

My, my, my.

I didn't know you delivered.

What do I do? You told me I wasn't allowed to take off the apron.

I also told you not to speak.

Okay. All right.

Do you want me to go out and come back in again?

Kitty.

What?

Am I supposed to have the baklava with me?

I didn't know you delivered

What's

the baklava for?