Original subtitles

I love your lipstick, Anita.

It's not lipstick.

I just ate a popsicle.

Well, it's a very good flavor on you.

Price check. Love that goat's milk.

So how's it going with the two of you?

Real good.

You give her the poem you wrote?

You wrote. I didn't have much to do with it.

Now, that's not true.

I probably wouldn't have written her a poem if it wasn't for you.

I'll be right back. I'm going to get a price.

So what happened with the poem? Well, it worked.

Yeah, she wants to go out again?

I think she wants to have sex.

Really? What did she say?

I want to have sex.

Woo -hoo!

Can I write a poem or what?

Hey.

Guess you're going to have sex.

If it's not me, I don't need to know.

Why don't you come over tomorrow and I'll give you some pointers on how to

please a woman.

You're going to what?

Don't worry, it's not what you're thinking. I'm just going to...

Make sure he knows where a woman's erogenous zones are.

That's like three times worse than what I was thinking.

That's her. Be cool.

Hey, you, come here.

Remember, shave your legs the day of or not at all.

You guys remember Donald?

Oh, sure. Donald, of course.

He's that nice boy who lives in their building and works in the grocery store.

Oh, Donald.

Thanks.

Anyway, great news.

Looks like he's going to lose his virginity. Oh, good. I was hoping we'd

about this some more.

Greg doesn't like to talk about sex unless he's having sex and he's pretty

chatty.

I just don't think that whatever goes on between Donald and...

Anita. Is any of our business.

Greg, in many cultures, the breaking of the hymen or the penis' first vaginal

penetration is celebrated by the whole tribe.

Okay, I'm done.

This is a milestone that a person remembers for their entire life. You

like your first kiss or your first death.

Oh, your first death.

I remember that like it was yesterday.

Me too.

Hold on. You remember taking your first step? Mm -hmm. Sure. Remember, Abby? I'm

still kind of bald, so I had that little knit cap on with the red fuzzy ball on

top. Yeah, yeah. You lost that. Yeah.

No, actually, it's under the couch at Grandma's along with a couple pieces of

that pumpernickel toast she was always pushing.

But you can't possibly remember that.

Remember? I wish I could forget.

Fresh milk and pumpernickel do not mix.

What's your earliest memory, Greg? Me?

Everything before you said vaginal penetration is kind of a blur.

Come on, seriously, honey. When's your first childhood memory?

I don't know.

Eight or nine. Whenever you go to your first mock senate.

That's too bad.

Why?

What's your earliest memory?

Oh, gosh.

I remember looking up and seeing this big, beautiful horse, and then all of a

sudden the belly burst open and all these Greek soldiers started pouring

Are you talking about the Trojan War?

We called it the War of Greek Aggression.

Honey, all your memories are there. You just have to find ways to trigger them.

You know what?

Let's try a little experiment.

Scent is a very powerful trigger.

Okay, we'll take this vanilla extract.

Greg, you smell it. Tell us what it brings to mind.

I don't know. I'm not really getting anything.

Don't feel bad.

It's really hard.

Come on. Close your eyes and try again.

Oh, my God. What?

Well, there was this... Good humor man who used to drive through our

neighborhood. But my mother would never let me have any because no son of hers

was going to eat anything from a truck.

But one time the maid snuck out and brought me a nutty buddy.

But my mother caught us and she sent me to my room.

Oh, that's so sad.

No, no, no. I got off easy. She sent the maid back to El Salvador.

Hey, let me try.

Vanilla. So, Donald, what have your folks told you about pleasing a woman?

Because there's no use in me going over stuff they've already covered.

Well, they focus mainly on disease control and hygiene.

Okay, so you're scared and clean. Good.

Let's get to the fun stuff.

What do you know about the female orgasm?

Wouldn't that be more in the woman's bailiwick?

Thanks. Hey, you're just in time. I was just explaining to Donald the man's

responsibility in the female orgasm.

Great.

He's not much of a talker, but let me tell you, that is a man who will not

until the job is done.

Solid.

Okay,

now the important thing to remember is to enjoy the journey. Be in the moment.

Don't just touch her body.

Feel the warmth of her skin touching your hands.

Um, Darma, this might be a good time for another break.

Why don't we just change the subject and talk about setting the mood?

Bad or current events?

It's important that you choose a location that's comfortable for both...

Okay.

That's comfortable for both of you. Because that starts long before that

actually starts.

I'm more concerned about it being over before it actually starts.

She's a romantic, relaxing location for you to make love.

I mean, once you have more experience, you could do it in the bathroom of a

Barnes & Noble with the manager banging on the door, but you're not there yet.

We've got a couple of really good options.

If we can figure out how to take the bench out of Vermont Suburban, there's

that. Or my grandfather's blind, so if we're real quiet, we can use his place.

Okay. Those are both good, but what about your bedroom?

Oh, no.

My mother doesn't even let me take food in there.

You can light some candles, play some music, maybe burn some incense.

You mean like here?

I would be honored.

Greg, however, would go completely mental. Yeah. I understand.

Yeah. Oh, you could use my parents' place.

Aw. But my mom would stand outside the door drumming and chanting, and if you

weren't raised with that, that could really throw you off your game. All

Turn them.

Did you know that the guy at the newsstand downstairs remembers leaving

when he was 18 months old? Yes, I did.

Did you know he could put his whole fist in his mouth?

No.

I've got this crazy idea. What do you think if I spent the night in my old

at my parents' house, you know, so I could smell stuff?

Oh.

That's crazy, honey. Crazy is going into a stranger's room and smelling their

stuff.

I'll go pack a bag.

You realize what this means?

Well, based on his comments, I can only infer that he's using olfactory

stimulation to trigger childhood memories.

Donald, you and Anita can have sex in our bedroom tonight.

I got that, too.

I'm just in fear -based denial.

Don't worry. You're ready. I'll take the dogs and I'll sleep at my parents'. Are

you going to tell Greg?

Uh, no.

He's got enough going on right now.

No, he doesn't need to be distracted by being all mad at me.

Whipped cream.

Candles. Grapes.

Condoms.

Hi, Anita.

Hi. Paper or plastic?

You choose. It's all for you.

Oh.

Thanks. Now listen. It's your responsibility to tell Donald what your

needs. I already told him. Beer and chip.

Trust me, Anita, you don't need alcohol.

This is your first time. You want to be present and aware of every caress, every

tender kiss, every wham, every bam.

The only intoxicant you and Donald need is love.

Love? Look.

I don't know what Donald told you, but here's my deal. I just don't want to go

to college a virgin.

Oh, Anita.

I think Donald might be in love with you.

Oh, man.

I should have known after that stupid poem. Stupid?

Do you have any idea how hard it was for him, probably, to write it? Listen.

Maybe you ought to postpone this until you can think it through.

What? There's nothing to think through. I just want to have sex.

Understandable, but Donald's a man. He has feelings.

I'm sorry. I have to get back to work.

Hey, well, if you want to call me and talk... Pump him and dump him.

Man, I miss dating.

So anyway, if you need me, I'll be in my old room smelling stuff.

What did he say?

He said he'd be in his room smelling stuff.

Oh, all right.

Isn't that something we should be concerned about?

Hey, Ab, do you remember on your 25th birthday, I forgot where I hid your

present?

Not really.

Happy birthday.

I left it. Oh.

She had his hands between the lines.

On 8 -track.

Remember, it's what you asked for.

Thank you.

How are we going to listen to it?

Easy. I'll find the 8 -track player.

Whoa. Did you know we lived in Boulder?

Gregory?

Am I interrupting?

Hold on.

Did I play t -ball?

I wouldn't know.

So listen, dear. Has this little memory experiment borne any fruit?

Nothing yet. Uh -huh.

Well, in the event it does, I thought I might be able to clarify some things for

you. Like what?

Well, for example, your allergy to bees.

Oh, how could I forget that? I couldn't run barefoot outside. I couldn't go

camping. I couldn't climb trees.

Well, funny thing about that, dear.

You were never actually stung by a bee.

You have no allergy. I made it up.

You made it up? Well, you insisted on running around and getting filthy, and

seemed like a clever solution.

Anyway, you stayed inside, you studied hard, and you went to Harvard, so it all

worked out.

Bye -bye.

I'm trying to separate out my feelings. Am I protecting Donald from getting

hurt, or am I...

Just mad at Anita because she got all naughty about my poem.

Abby, the Betamac and another garage door opener.

Very good, Harry.

Diamond, can I toss my existence in here?

Sure. How well do you recall Khalil Gibran's The Prophet?

A little. Let me refresh your memory.

Gibran writes, and I quote...

Think not you can direct the course of love.

For love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

And don't forget, there are powerful physical urges at work here. I remember

summer when I was a boy. It was a hot day. I was running through the sprinkler

when my grandmother came out of the house and said, which

is Yiddish for take your hand out of your bathing suit before you go blind.

It's also a myth.

Back to my main point.

Consider Shakespeare's words in A Midsummer Night's Dream.

The course of true love...

They stopped making it in 19... 19... Oh, God.

Come back!

Dog!

Larry, it's not the deal.

Tell him I'll call him back. I gotta catch the dog!

Hello? Hi, come on in.

Smelling your clarinet, I see.

Uh -huh.

Well, I'll make this short.

You were a natural... right -hander, and I trained you to be a lefty.

What?

Well, you were kind of slight as a kid, and I thought being a southpaw would

give you an advantage in sports like Sandy Koufax.

I don't ever remember us playing catch.

We couldn't. Turns out you were allergic to bees.

I don't believe this.

There is research that proves that forcing a child to use his non -dominant

can cause severe psychological problems.

Really?

Well, sorry, won't happen again.

Come in.

What are you doing here? Anita will be here in a second.

I just wanted to talk to you before you... Is that my... I thought it was

Greg's.

I'll go change. No, no, no, it's okay. You look cute in it.

Donald, I have to be honest with you. I'm having second thoughts about

What do you mean?

Well, I'm concerned that Anita doesn't have the same deep feelings for you

as you do for her.

Really?

Really.

So she doesn't want to have sex?

But I just don't think she loves you.

But she does want to have sex.

Yes, but in a loveless, mechanical manner of that kind of way.

But again, she does want to have sex.

No, I understand that I'm emotionally vulnerable and there's a chance that

consummating this relationship is going to end up breaking my heart.

Yes.

Well, I'm willing to take that chance.

I'm not going to let you do this.

Then I might have to kill you.

No, Dahmer, you don't understand.

At any moment, I could explode and level this entire building.

Okay, I gotcha.

Careful.

Can you talk me out of this? I'm going to have sex.

Well, if you want to have it with Donald, you better hurry.

He had long, beautiful curls, and it was one dress, Edward.

One time.

I think he should know that.

Well, then I think he should know that your lawyer took him to the father -son

picnic.

They won the damn wheelbarrow race, didn't they? And besides, you were the

that forgot him in Neiman Marcus.

You. I forgot him at a bar.

He had his own table and I left the tab open.

He called me in tears. Karma, are you there? Are you screening?

He called me in tears. Listen, I'm coming home. It turns out I'm better off

knowing about my childhood. I'll see you in a little bit.

Do you want to bring up tennis?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

When I said I was playing tennis, I was actually playing tennis.

It always comes back to that, doesn't it? Till the day you die, Edward.

Till the day you die.

Mr. Montgomery, could you move your hand?

Dharma here? Yeah. Dharma, Donald here.

Listen, Mr. Montgomery, I'm real sorry about what happened. I don't know what

you're talking about.

Well, last night when you... Listen to me.

I don't recall anything that happened last night.

And neither do you.

Hey, Donald.

Hi. I got this dry cleaned.

I sat on some grapes.

Thanks.

So, how did it go with you and Anita last night? Great. It was really

But little of it I recall.

You're okay with this being just a one -night stand?

Oh, she'll be back for more.

How do you know? She said, I'll be back for more.

Hey, hi. What's up? Hang on.

Jiffy Lube.

I left the van at Jiffy Lube.