Original subtitles

Wouldn't it be great to live in a world where everything could be settled with a

handshake? Hi, I'm Greg Montgomery, attorney at law.

Maybe someday it will be that simple.

But until then, if you have a legitimate legal problem, you need an honest,

reputable advocate.

Someone you can trust.

You may never meet me, but aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am. Whoa!

Let's take it from your last line, Mr. Montgomery.

And action.

You may never need me, but aren't you glad to know I'm here?

Oh, he's not going to do the whole thing?

But aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am. Oh, did I just say yeah?

I'm hungry. I probably said that because I think I'm hungry.

But aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am.

I know.

I am.

Oh, what's the line?

I am.

I know I am. Yes! Oh, you didn't say cut.

But aren't you glad to know I am here?

But aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I really am.

but aren't you glad to know I'm here?

I know I am.

Yes! Take 26. Nailed it.

Well, uh... What do you think?

Gregory, how could you do this to me?

I'm sorry. Exactly what did I do to you?

I don't even know where to begin.

I just... Edward?

Well... We have done everything for you! We sent you to the finest schools you

could have been, anything you wanted to be. And here you are, selling yourself

on television like some sort of a...

Magic mop.

Okay, Dad.

Well... You see, you've broken your father's heart.

Just because he did a commercial?

I agree with that word.

Advertising causes desire.

Desire causes discontent. And discontent causes suffering.

Therefore, the cause of all suffering is advertising.

And war and disease.

Sorry, Greg, I think you're encouraging people to litigate the same way gun

commercials encourage them to shoot each other. There are no gun commercials.

Small victory.

And bullets.

Bullets cause suffering.

Hold on a second. Don't you think I know that most of the lawyers that advertise

on television are sleazy ambulance chasers? But why can't a lawyer with

integrity show people that there's another choice out there?

So that when someone's being oppressed by Injustice Larry, they can call me for

help. And maybe I'll make a little money doing that, unless there's something

wrong with the free market system, Dad.

Well, soon that phone is going to ring, and at the other end is going to be

someone who really needs my help and has nowhere else to turn.

Okay, maybe not now, but eventually.

Whoa, freaky.

Let me.

Greg Montgomery, attorney at law. How may I direct your call?

Please hold. I'll see if he's in.

Thank you for calling. Your call is very important to us.

And will be answered in the order in which it... Uh, Greg Montgomery,

at law.

Oh, yes.

The commercial.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

How can I help you?

Dharma, it's for you.

They want you to be in their commercial.

Hello?

Oh, thank you.

Yes, it was my first commercial.

No, I don't have an agent.

But I do have a lawyer.

I'm going to have you talk to him.

They liked my work.

I can't believe I'm going to be in a beer commercial.

Listen, Dharma, we need to talk about how to handle these negotiations before

these guys come in.

Anaconda Ale.

The being that squeezes the life out of you.

Come on, be serious. There's a lot of money involved here.

Anaconda Ale.

Hide your pet.

Are you done?

Sadly, yes.

Okay, now listen.

When your loved ones say, A .A., reach for Anaconda Ale.

Now in family size.

Done.

While we're here, I'm not your husband, I'm your lawyer, which means you have to

trust me to handle the negotiations.

I trust you completely. They're going to want to get you for nothing, and I want

to get you the best deal possible. So there might be a lot of back and forth,

might get a little heated.

Are you trying to turn me on?

Let me do the talking. These TV ad guys can be pretty slick.

Because you are.

Hi -ya!

I am so sorry we kept you waiting. It's my fault. I was on the phone with my

mom. It's her birthday.

Pretty slick.

Hi. I'm Greg Montgomery. This is my client, Dharma.

Montgomery. No relation.

I'm Jay, and this is Adam. This is very exciting.

We have been killing ourselves trying to find the right woman to be our

spokesperson. And then yesterday, I turned on the TV channel 63 or something

up there, and I saw your commercial. And that's why you're here. Well...

Maybe we're here.

Or maybe we're running late.

For the sake of argument, let's say we're here. What exactly would be the

It's scale payment plus residuals.

Touching!

Maybe kaching. Could be kaching. We'll know when we get here.

I think that what my client's saying is you've made a nice opening offer.

We have our only offer.

Oh, also, we should ask if you're okay working with a six -foot snake.

A six -foot snake?

It keeps getting better and better.

Excuse us for a moment.

You're making it difficult for me to negotiate.

I would do this for a box of donuts and a poke in the eye.

We may not be as far apart as I initially thought.

I've been shipwrecked on this island for three weeks.

I didn't know anyone else was here.

That's so.

What can I get you?

You wouldn't happen to have an anaconda ale, would you?

Coming up.

Do you have an opener?

Do.

Let me know when you're ready for another.

Anaconda Ale.

Hide your path.

Anaconda Ale.

That's my girl.

Excuse me, but what happened to advertising being the root of all evil?

evil. My kid's on TV.

So how are you going to spend all that money?

Well, I'd like to do something for the community, you know, give something

Good for you. Yeah.

You know that vacant lot down the street? Yeah.

I'm thinking Ferris wheel.

But first I'm going to pay back the loan Greg took out for his lot commercial.

No, honey, I'll pay back the loan with the money I earned.

Why don't we pay it back with the money I earn? Because the money you earn is

yours.

So what's the money you earn?

That's ours.

Okay, I don't want to rock the boat here because I think I'm getting a pretty

sweet deal. But can you explain that to me? Sure, it's simple. The money you

earn is yours and the money I earn is ours.

Wow, it's so much clearer when you repeat exactly what you just said.

All I'm saying is that I'd be more comfortable paying my bills with the

earn.

Because I'm a woman? No, no, it has nothing to do with that. It's just that

money you earn is your money, and the money I earn is ours.

Hey, Pete, that $500 in my savings account, is that mine or ours?

That's gone.

happy with my long distance carrier.

No, I'm not interested in a friends and family package. Frankly, I'm more in

touch with them than I want to be.

Let me ask you a question. Do you ever reach out and smack someone, program?

It's not chasing if it's parked.

Hold the door!

Hey, I know you. You're the guy from the law commercial.

Good news, I finally got a case.

Oh, honey, that's great. If I'd known, I would have used tongue.

Anyway, you know how you say the universe provides? Well, the universe

a pothole, and this guy fell in it and broke his foot.

And I just happened to be there. I didn't have to chase him or anything.

Well, that is good news.

Anyway, I brought you these. I wanted you to share in my success.

These are beautiful.

I love them.

Hey, I have some good news, too.

I just got my first paycheck from the commercial.

Please tell me you didn't buy a ferris wheel. Oh, no, that was a crazy talk.

Those things are pricey.

But I did get a key ball.

Pop a shot, whack -a -mole, and one bumper car. One bumper car?

Yeah, I'm not sure how much fun that's going to be.

But I had some money left over, so I bought you a present.

Oh, honey, you didn't have to do that.

Why not? You bought me these flowers.

Ta -da!

You bought this for me? Uh -huh.

Yeah. Does it have a good picture? I don't know.

What are you waiting for? Let's turn it on. Let's worship it.

Your wife got you a big gift with her big giant paycheck, and you're afraid

if you accept it, then that means you're no longer a real man.

Pete, not now.

Listen, buddy, you're thinking about this all along.

So you're not a real man. Who cares?

Please go away.

The sweetest two years of my life was when I was living with that rich old

down the marina, eating like a king, driving around town in her Chrysler

Imperial.

She used to buy me little outfits.

It's no big deal. Once a week, you know. Stop it.

She was a dried up old Gila monster, but let me tell you something.

She did things young gals will not do.

you something me and the boys used to say around the marina she wants it more

than once a week you ask for a car in your name

is he like glued to it 24 7 no actually i don't even think he's

turned it on but anyway he's been pretty distracted with getting his law

practice going so i thought these would help cheer him up what'd you get

diagonal penis in their living room.

Hey.

Where's the new TV?

I returned it.

What? Why?

It was way too big for the apartment.

So I'll buy you a smaller big one. That's okay. I don't need you to buy me

What's that supposed to mean?

It means if I need a TV, I'll go and buy myself a TV.

Jane, I think you better go.

make a big deal out of this. It's just a TV. That I bought because I love you.

And I thank you very much for it, but I got you a complete refund, so now you

can spend that money on yourself.

I don't want a refund. I want to spend the money on you. And I don't want you

to, so let's just drop it. No, I'm not gonna drop it.

What about all the presents you bought for me? Oh, should I go return these

earrings and get a refund? If you're gonna be childish, we can't have this

company. Childish?

I'm just mean

No. Listen, this isn't about the TV. The TV is just a symbol of

another issue or issues.

Okay.

For the first time in my life, I'm failing.

the money from the trust fund and i've fallen flat on my face you know the

commercial was a stupid idea the the only client i have i actually did have

chase because the ambulance started to pull away why didn't you

tell me any of this because um things were going so well for you i didn't want

to bring you down and i didn't want you to think you were married to a loser oh

you stupid stupid mole

Thank you for letting me.

I can't believe you bought all this stuff.

Well, enjoy it while you can. Tomorrow it's gone.

Why? I'm trading it all in for a used tilt -a -whirl.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that we got all this out in the open.

Me too.

So you're fine with me having them bring the TV back? Oh, God, no.

Your money is your money.

And my money is our money.

I really am getting this now.

It's supposed to be dumb.

Thanks for understanding. You're welcome.

Oh, excuse me. Can I have the check, please? What are you doing?

Baby steps.

I'm using a small piece of my money as our money. No, this is my way of

apologizing. I'll buy dinner. If you really want to apologize, you'll let me

you dinner.

I don't see how this is any step towards anything because I have no problem with

you buying me dinner. It's just, you know, dinner.

Good.

I'll take that when you're ready.

Don't you give me your card and I'll put it in here so we can see it. Don't

touch that check.

We have a birthday!

No way.

It's not my birthday.

My wife is buying me dinner.

Baby steps.

No big deal.

And if we're fine with it, we certainly don't owe you people an explanation.

Let's go, honey.

We're going now. That's a decision she's made, and I'm okay with it.

Really.

I think you handled that very well. Thank you.

Hey, you think dinner's free?

Let me know when you're ready for another.

Let me know when... and you're ready for another.

I swear he's crawling into my pants. Yeah, he's up there.