Original subtitles

So, Greg Lee, how is everything going with your plan to, um... Oh, what is it

exactly? Waste his life.

That's it.

I can't believe you'd make such a big deal of inviting us over for dinner and

give me nothing but grief.

Oh, I just wanted to give you grief. Your mother insisted on serving a meal.

Greg is not wasting his life. He's on a path to spiritual enlightenment, and I

think we should all support him.

Fine. There you go.

Thank you.

Here,

dear, you need another napkin? Or do you just want to use your Harvard diploma?

We're family. You don't need to break out the fancy stuff.

You know what? I don't need to sit here and take this.

Gregory, Gregory, I am sorry. I am sorry.

It's just that I worry about you. I know how difficult it will be for you to

have parents that other people look down on.

See, honey, it is about you.

You haven't worked in months. People have started to talk.

I tried to cover for you. Told everyone you were at Betty Ford.

Then Bunny Stanton comes back from Betty Ford and makes a complete fool out of

me. Come, Bunny.

You're here.

Listen, you guys. Greg is going to figure out what he wants to do. It's

take some time.

And you're comfortable with bringing home the bacon or whatever it is you

eat?

That's what you do for someone you love, Edward.

I'm sure if you want to take some time off and find another path, Kitty would

out and get a job.

What is that?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Hail now, Edward. Turn into the skin.

Kitty goes to work. Hello, I'm Kitty Montgomery.

I'm here to work!

God, get off the treadmill for a couple of months and suddenly I'm wasting my

life. Greg, you can't let your parents get in your head.

You're right. You're right.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Damn it, Dharma, I'm wasting my life.

Kitty, Edward, get out of there.

I got to go back to work. I got to do something.

Okay, what do you want to do? I don't know.

Whatever it is, it's got to be important.

Not that I need recognition so much. I just need a sense of purpose and serving

the greater good.

Okay, then you definitely don't want to go back to being a lawyer.

I wish I knew what it was.

Craig, you're making this too hard. Just follow your bliss.

Find the thing that makes you happy. All the other stuff will take care of

itself. Easy for you to say. I can't think of anything that makes me happy.

I can think of one thing.

I don't want to catch you making a living at it.

Never mind, I can wait till morning.

What?

I figured it out.

I know how to make myself happy.

Then why did you wake me?

No, no, no. I was thinking about what you said and all of a sudden it hit me.

What? My bliss.

of my life playing golf.

Well, whack the little ball with the stick off that golf.

You know, I'm pretty good and I figure if I practice eight hours a day, by the

time I'm 50, I can go on the senior tour.

50?

You're 32!

18 years, plenty of time.

So much.

A lot of wives wouldn't understand this. Oh, well, you can understand that.

Night. Night.

Okay,

you're hosing me, right?

list. She practically pushed me onto the golf course. The only way Jane had ever

pushed me onto a golf course is if we were flying over one in a plane.

Hey, Greg, check it out.

How cute am I?

Very cute. What are you doing here? Well, I decided I had a choice. I could

at home and complain about being a golf widow, or I could come out here and

share your passion. Really? Yeah.

Terrific. Hey, Jane, how would you feel if I quit my job and just played golf

every day?

Single.

What do you think?

I'd definitely hit it that way. Good call.

Not sure. Caddy?

Maple syrup.

I believe you had pancakes for breakfast.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Give me your finger. Let me see what you had for breakfast. Just work the

camera, Pete.

driving range sorry never mind all right mr ball don't get

too comfortable here comes mr club

caddy where'd the ball go i

think it went all the way around the world and came right back here your

and optimism will be reflected in your tip

Elbow straight.

Straight. Thank you.

Okay, bend your knees like you're sitting on a stool.

A bar stool.

I was doing milking stools. Yeah, I know.

Just take it back nice and easy and shift your weight to your right side.

Good. Keep your left foot down.

Now just all the way back.

Now follow through nice and easy.

to hold on to the club.

How do you shout for me?

I tried. I really did. I played 18 holes.

Whack and walk.

Whack and walk.

God forbid you should jump in the sand and make a castle.

Let me tell you something about golf.

It's a conspiracy to turn precious land and water resources into secret meeting

places where rich, white, fat...

I've nearly lost touch with reality.

Wait a second.

Has somebody been wearing my codpiece?

Larry, who would be wearing your codpiece?

You never know.

Come on, you know, I mean, it's golf, big golf, dumb golf, no windmills, no

clown's mouth, nothing.

Honey, if you want a life partner you can admire and respect... I'm going to

have to shave my legs.

The hair is coming out right through the tights.

Nobody's going to be close enough to notice.

It feels funny.

Darmy, you know what might cheer you up?

Why don't you and Greg come with us to the Renaissance Fair?

No thanks.

I've had some bad experiences at the Renaissance Fair.

Really? Yeah, I don't know what happens to the guys who go to those things.

Maybe it's the costumes. Maybe it's the medieval beer.

Maybe it's just spending a whole day outside their parents' basement.

Whatever it is, they're all over you like fridge magnets on a suit of armor.

You sure?

They're busting in extra hunchbacks for the charity flogging booth.

Come on, Abby, help me out. What should I do about Greg?

Well, honey, what do you think you should do?

Oh, all right.

I got it.

You don't want to say anything to influence my actions, just like I

say anything to Greg to influence his actions, right?

It's not my place to say.

little weasel and tell his mom.

Golf. Golf.

And you are fine with it?

It's not for me to say.

Really? Just like I wouldn't say anything to you about any action you

regarding your son's decision to play golf for the rest of his life.

I understand what you're

saying. I'm not saying anything.

Then it's good we never had this conversation.

What the hell just happened?

Hey, Dharma.

Hey, how was lunch with your parents?

Great.

Greg, listen, don't take it personally, okay? No matter how much she yells at

you, you have to remember that your mother loves you very much. She didn't

at me.

Yell or scowl or threaten to write you out of the will.

It's because she loves you. No, my mother didn't say much of anything. My

did most of the talking.

Hmm.

Well, whatever he said, Greg, it's because he loves you.

He offered me a job.

Really?

I wonder what the thinking was there.

I took it. I mean, I told him you and I needed to talk about it first because

we'd have to relocate.

Really? That's no problem, honey. I can teach yoga anywhere.

Where are we headed?

Are you ready?

Do I have to get ready?

Gotland.

I'm sorry, did you say Oakland?

Oakland? Who moved to Oakland?

Scotland. Montgomery Industries does a little North Sea oil business.

Scotland? And here's the best part. I talk to the guy who's leaving the job,

there's nothing to it. You do a little paperwork, you drive to the coast to see

if any of the rigs are on fire, and that's it. The rest of the day, you have

yourself, in Scotland, the birthplace of golf!

of lung.

And then neatly stuffed back into its own stomach. Yummy.

That's not food.

That's what happens when circus trains collide.

Quite the national dish of Scotland, I think.

Oh, how about a wee bite?

Not if it was served up in the glistening Scottish ass of Sean Connery.

Pardon us. Can I understand some blood pudding? It's another Scottish taste but

tickler made of, are you ready? Blood!

What have you been drinking?

Gosh! It was invented by the grutskortsman Angus McBarf when his wife

what was for dinner.

Are you really planning to eat that stuff?

No. I'm serving it to my bonny husband, Gregory.

Gregory.

He can have a great big ball of his new life.

Aye, Boots, yeah.

Then I won't want to move to Scotland.

And if that were to come to pass, then how could it not?

That would be his life choice. And I cannot interfere with the life choice of

another.

I just want to take this opportunity to thank my wife.

I was a little nervous about moving so far away. In fact, I almost changed my

mind. But she has worked non -stop for the past few weeks to get me in touch

with my Scottish roots. The smell of agate.

The sweet drone of a bagpipe. Clan Montgomery, I'm coming home.

I can't believe our little girl's moving to Scotland.

I'm a little surprised myself.

We're going to miss you, Puntus.

Oh, I know, but what a wonderful opportunity.

See what happens when you don't interfere with the life choice of

Dharma? The universe just gives you a big thumbs up.

Yep, I can feel it.

Dharma, there's a lot of boiled cabbage left over. Would you mind if I took some

for the Renaissance Fair?

Sure.

Just that the Renaissance Fair needs gassy geeks in tights.

You're moving to Scotland?

Uh -huh.

You're not going to tell him this is stupid?

No.

Can I tell you this is stupid?

No.

I wonder what Scotland's going to be like.

I'll show you. I have informative video.

That's Greg playing golf.

Exactly. Now add a couple castles and a lake with a monster.

Does he really think he can become a pro?

Yes. That little girl's got a better swing than he does.

What little girl?

Wind it back.

How about that time? No.

Wow.

Okay, I have an idea, but it's bad and it's wrong.

How can I help?

I guess this is the last time we'll be playing together for a while.

Yeah.

Next time we play, you'll be a big hot shot professional golfer.

Right. And I'll be Lord King of the Moon.

Cute. And each morning, I'll bring the dawn by riding across the sky in my

flaming chariot. Okay.

I get it. You don't think I have a shot at going pro.

And from my chariot, I'll bring the rain by peeing over the edge. That's enough.

It's pretty pitiful.

Lord King of the Moon accepts your wages.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Where's Jane?

Jane couldn't make it. This is Tiffany. The starters sent her over to join us so

we'd be a foursome. This is my husband, Greg, and this is Pete.

Nice to meet you, Tiff. It's Tiffany.

A Tiff is a small argument.

So it is. Got it.

She's adorable.

The kid's going to blow us down.

I know, honey.

But just think, one day when she grows up, she'll be watching the senior tour

television, and she'll be able to say, I played with Greg Montgomery.

All right.

Tiffany, why don't you go ahead and tee off first?

Lay into it, Tiffany.

Oh, honey, there's a closer tee up front.

That's okay. I don't want to slow you down.

Okay.

How old are you, Greg? Shut up and hit.

Here I come.

She didn't slow it down, did she?

You can pick yours up.

Thanks, Stephanie.

I'll put mine.

You sure?

I already won the whole.

stiff.

Try as it didn't boomerang back to you.

Anyway,

now I know what to get you for Christmas. Don't bother. I'm never

again. Oh, you mean it's a profession, but you'll still play golf on the

weekends for fun, right?

I don't really want to talk about it. Could you give me a little space,

Sure, you got it.

What are you talking about? She's not a regular little girl.

She's like a golf Mozart.

She's a freak of nature. I found her and I fixed her on you.

Why? Because I didn't want to go to Scotland, which is also my fault. Please

don't make me explain.

You set all this up?

Pack my asbestos pajamas. I'm going straight to hell.

You know what, honey?

There's no way I was going to be a professional golfer. I know, but it was

dream, Greg, and I crushed it like a bug.

You did me a favor.

But why do I feel so dirty?

You know what? Forget it.

Next weekend, instead of me playing golf, why don't you and I spend some

time together?

with which I shall purchase two wagons of mead.

And perhaps after, thou wouldst lie with me in thy father's Volkswagen chariot.

It's got to take a lot of mead, buddy.