Original subtitles

Did you Greg clip in the lawyer?

Yep. I heard he clipped out and he hijacked a bus with a bowling trophy.

Have you been talking to Jane?

Yeah. She was in here earlier. She got moon pies and generic vodka.

Her mom must be in town.

Yeah, no, Greg just took a break from the law so he could relax and enjoy

Excuse me, miss. When you advertise double coupons, aren't you legally

to double whatever the value? Only the first time.

Answer the question yes or no, please.

It's not that simple. Just answer the question, please.

It's nice because now we get to grocery shop together.

Back up, back up, back up. $1 .99. Does that seem correct to you? You don't have

to answer that. Honey, don't you want to take that relaxing drive down to the

beach to watch the beautiful sunset? Just a sec. They're on special for 30

a can. Would you mind reading for everyone the advertised price on this

particular beverage?

It says 30 cents a can. And what is 30 times 6?

I need a key.

That sunset.

There'll be one tomorrow.

30 times six, that's $1 .80, isn't it? Say yes. Sir, the individual cans aren't

special, not the six -pack.

Oh, she just said yes. Can you believe this?

Essentially, they're charging 19 cents for the plastic can holder.

I know.

It's an outreach.

Honey, look. The woman who took up two parking spots is loading up her car.

Perfect. I want to see her face when she reads my notes.

Hey, thank you for being so patient, everybody.

Impulse.

baby born with blowholes. Who wants it?

and the explorer apologized.

Well, good.

Now, why don't we let that go and just stay with our breath?

It was kind of a half -hearted apology.

Uh -huh.

Breathe in.

Now, feel your lungs filling with oxygen.

Feel that oxygen -rich blood traveling through your veins to your fingers, your

toes. Artery. I'm sorry?

Oxygenated blood travels out through your arteries and travels back through

veins.

Thank you for that. No problem.

Ignore that.

Let's keep going.

It could be the pizza I ordered. You ordered pizza?

I thought you wanted to meditate.

Well, you said it would take a half an hour. I meant around half an hour.

Dharma, I don't know what's in your head unless you say it.

Sometimes that's a good thing.

I'll grab us a couple of beers.

Hi, Dharma.

You left your debit card at the market.

It's not a smart move. A blocked or stolen debit card doesn't offer the same

legal protection as credit cards.

Is that me, too?

No, it's Donald. I left my debit card at the market.

How could you forget your debit card?

I don't know. Oh, maybe I got distracted when the woman in the Explorer tried to

back over you.

Noted. But you should be aware, debit cards don't offer the same protection as

credit cards.

That's the word on the street.

Would you like to come hang with us? Evidently, we ordered pizza. I can't.

I got band practice.

Oh, did you guys ever come up with a name? Not yet.

I want to call it Apollo's Army. You know, after the Greek god of music.

But Stewie, he wants to call it Snot.

Well, they're both... Timeless.

Now, hold on.

Can we not stipulate that when I... placed my order, a covenant was created

between me, the pizza orderer, and you, the pizza maker. Or should I say alleged

pizza maker? Because I've seen no evidence to support the claim. No, I am

I am very calm.

Look, pal, I meditate.

Hey, would you mind if I tag along and listen to you guys rehearse? Sure. I

mean, we're not going to be very good. Our drummer's out with Mono. Can you

on a second?

I was in your supermarket earlier today, and I bought some soda.

Can you hold on for a second?

Do you need a drummer? Because I used to play.

Yeah, sure.

Let's go.

What about the pizza?

I have a feeling that when it gets here, it's going to have spit on it.

I'm going to go play drums in Donald's band. Bye. Okay.

Again, the individual soda cans were on sale for $30. You play drums?

like Apollo's army, but we sound more like snot, so we'll probably go with

So you guys need a guitar player?

No. Brody?

Sorry. How about if I just stand in the back and yell free bird?

I might change his diet. No.

Is he getting enough sleep?

Yeah. Power his bowel movement.

Abby, is there a problem?

Yeah. Your husband's out there acting like a big fat ass. Pardon my French.

He keeps driving me nuts.

He keeps arguing about everything. It doesn't matter what. He has to be right.

And if you disagree with him, he just keeps pushing and pushing and pushing.

Sounds like a bowel problem to me.

It's unbelievable.

Abby, every time I say anything, I feel like I'm on trial.

Well, maybe that's it. I mean, since Greg stopped being a lawyer, that energy

has to come out somehow.

Like when Larry quit being a rodeo clown but couldn't stop taunting bulls.

That was a bad... Ah, dear.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I've tried everything. I've been so patient.

mean, I've meditated with him so long, my mantra's starting to annoy me.

Nothing's worked.

Have you tried engaging that energy?

Argued back at him?

You want me to fight with him?

Well, honey, if you don't, you might feel compelled to get a neat mat outside

the home.

Oh, but I hate arguing.

Do you love him, darling?

If we're going to make Dan practice, we should go.

I completely disagree.

Honey, it's rush hour. No, it's not.

How can you say that?

I didn't.

What's her problem?

She loves you very, very much.

And this is my husband, Greg.

Uh -huh. Hello.

Hello. And, uh, what are you doing here, Mrs. Montgomery?

I'm the funky backbone to this rock and roll beast.

Mr. Epstein -Darman's taking Eddie's place because he has mononucleosis,

is erroneously known as kitchen disease.

Especially with Eddie.

Uh, excuse me, what'd you pay for this soda?

I guess I'll be back in the house.

Should you need me for any reason, kid?

Any reason at all.

I want this door left open.

Martin, there's a grown woman playing with Oliver.

So, Mr. Montgomery, what'd you think? You guys are great. Although, Dharma, I

think you were dragging the tempo just a little bit.

Really? That's what you think? I'm afraid so.

Well, I'm afraid you're wrong.

I was rock steady.

Honey, I put my stopwatch to it. You went from 104 beats a minute down to 99

then back up to 108.

Oh, nice watch.

Oh, thanks. You can't keep time on a watch.

Honey, listen to yourself.

That's what watches do. I know what watches do.

Well, you don't have to get defensive.

Oh, wrong again. I wasn't being defensive. I was being argumentative.

no. You were having an emotional reaction. In an argument, you state

support your case. Okay, you want a fact? I rock!

No.

is your thesis.

You can't restate your thesis as a supporting fact. Okay, now you're just

stuff up.

Oliver, you wouldn't happen to have a copy of the American Debating Society

rules, would you?

No, but we could probably download it off the net.

John, we'll be right back. No, no!

I don't need a lecture.

Give me a shot of spirulina and keep them coming.

You want to talk about it? No.

Uh -oh.

I just figured out why they call these things smoothies.

I can't argue anymore. I'm a dog.

I woke him up because he was snoring. He said he wasn't. And I said, how would

you know? You were sleeping. Well, three hours later, I'm forced to admit that

since I had no witness, I have no case.

Who do you have to mow to get a wheatgrass around here?

Where is he now?

I needed a break, so I told him his parents said he had a very happy

I give you Exhibit C, a telegram from a hotel in Mallorca, Spain.

Dear Gregory, sorry to hear Camp, quote, sucks, unquote, fondly, Mom and Dad.

Gregory, may I say something? You'll be given an opportunity to rebut. I suggest

you take notes.

Thanksgiving break, 1978.

A flight home from boarding school. Did my mother and father meet me at the

airport? Oh, for heaven's sakes, we sent you a stretch.

We sent you a stretch.

Your mother wanted to send a town card.

Dermot, he's a trained lawyer. He argues for a living. If you play by his rules,

he's just going to wear you down.

She's right. Greg and I are professional litigators. I mean, you can't ask an

ordinary person to successfully argue with you. Ah, shut your pie hole.

You've got to get in there. You've got to shoot him hard.

Fighting is like sex.

The dirtier, the better.

Do you love him, Darla?

Got it.

Oh,

Danny boy, Danny boy, Danny boy.

I get knocked down, but I get up again.

You're never gonna keep me down. I get knocked down, but I get up again.

All right!

All right!

Thank you!

Okay, we'll be back in 20.

Meanwhile, enjoy my friend's cocktail party. We are not armed.

Rock steady.

But?

But nothing.

Okay, I don't get this one.

Hey, guys. Remember my parents?

Oh, yeah. Hi. Nice to see you. Hi. How do you do?

Thanks for helping Donald keep his little combo together.

It's so healthy for him to have outside activity.

Well, it's not a combo. It's a band.

Well, actually, son, it's either.

Of course, if you had a string and brass section, you'd be an orchestra.

Well, technically,

an orchestra also requires woodwinds.

I think he's pretty cool, too.

Oh, Donald, honey, you're sweating.

Why don't you go wash up with an astringent while your pores are open?

Mom?

Great set, Donald. Thank you.

This band is a big breakthrough for him.

He has trouble making friends.

Oh, yes, because he's so smart, he has trouble communicating with kids his own

age. Intelligence has nothing to do with it. He just has poor socialization

skills.

That's basically what I just said. No, it isn't. Ability to get along with

others has nothing to do with intellect.

Well, it's been my experience that many bright people can be extremely annoying.

Donald, however, is just a little shy.

See, you've just proved my point.

Shyness is a result of poor socialization skills.

Donald can't get along with other people because his parents didn't teach him

how. No offense.

No, honey, Donald can't get along with others because he was raised by a father

who quotes encyclopedias at him. No offense.

No.

No, it's because he has a mother who thinks it's all right to point out her

this in public. No offense.

I don't think you're in any position to point to somebody else's mother as being

a poor parent. Oh, you want to drag my mother into this? I'll dig up your

grandma if I have to. Okay, all right.

distant, but that doesn't change my point that the reason Donald gets

every day by the chess club is because he's the pasty offspring of Mr. and Mrs.

Poindexter here.

No offense.

None taken. I don't see how you can point to your mother as being distant

she lives inside your head.

Okay, okay. You want to talk about mothers and fathers? Let's talk about a

who can't even call her parents mother and father. That would make them

authority figures.

That is true. The title of mother and father do establish... Shut up!

Oh, my God!

Look, Greg, I found your mother's heart.

Melt it, and we've got your father's brain.

me from achieving any peace of mind and serenity.

That's not exactly why I did it.

Well, it worked. It doesn't matter why.

Well, no.

See, because you're a lawyer and you had no outlet for your argumentative

nature, so I was just kind of letting you get it out of your system.

Okay, whatever.

No, not whatever. I want you to see the difference here.

It doesn't matter.

Yes, it does. I want the record to correctly reflect my motivation. So

stipulated. No, I don't.

There's nothing to prove. Yes, there is everything to prove and nothing to gain.

You're not making any sense.

So you agree.

So, sorry we had to kick you out of the band.

Oh. But my parents sort of insisted.

Yeah.

It's okay.

You see their point. Oh, yeah, they're doing the right thing. Yeah.

Well, here's your cut of our gig.

$12 .50.

$10 .99 you at the end of the year.

Okay, I'll set some aside.

Well, I should get going because I'm really not supposed to be here. Gotcha,

bye.

Bye, Donald.

So, what now? Do the drums go back to your parents?

No, actually, I have a chance to audition for another band.

Really? Want to come along?

No, I don't think so. I've kind of had my fill of garage bands.

It'll be fun.

No, it's okay.

It's your thing. You don't need me tagging along.

All right.

I don't want to argue.

A one, a two.

Yeah. Cool!

Okay, Bob.

You want to say anything else?

How about a moringa?

Uh, polka.

Okay, let me see. You play a polka.

That's kind of too funky for your style, right?

Not at all.

Uh... So, can I play with you guys? Do I get the job?

Well, we don't know yet.

Do you want me to play some more so you can decide?

Uh, no.

Oh.

I got a van.

You got a van? Yeah. Actually, can you guys help me load up my stuff?

Uh,

sure.

Okay.