Original subtitles

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm making out with Federal Prosecutor of the

Year, Western Region Division 2, Section B.

Believe it, baby.

Can I tell you a secret?

I'm almost all ears.

When I was a little girl, I'd lay on my bed every night with my journal of the

American Bar Association cutting out pictures of hunky lawyers like you.

Don't be embarrassed. All little girls do that.

Now kiss me.

Show me the black first.

Oh, honey, honey, you want me to help you with that? Because it's kind of

tricky. Maybe for an ordinary man, but not for federal prosecutor of the year,

Western Region Division 2, Section B.

Folks, we're here live being undressed by award -winning federal prosecutor

Gregory Montgomery.

Mr. Montgomery, you clearly have the talent to be an adult film star.

What made you choose the law?

Oh, you know, the usual reasons. The groupies, the complimentary legal pads.

Behind every great man, nookie, and free office surprise.

You know, I can't even remember when I first decided to become a lawyer.

Probably not enough blood in your head.

Now, isn't it strange? I mean, a lot of people have asked me that question, but

I never really thought about it. Why start now?

Here, honey.

Let me show you a little trick with these buttons.

Ta -da.

I've spent my entire adult life doing something and I don't know why.

Ta -da!

You know, if anybody but you had asked me why I became a lawyer, I'd give them

some glib answer and that'd be that.

Well, I'm pretending I'm someone else.

I gotta figure this out.

Stand by, fellas. We've hit a snag.

What's going on, honey?

I don't know. I'm gonna make some coffee.

All right, boys.

Because I never felt worthy of being loved, and if I were successful and

important, I would deserve that love.

You thought people loved lawyers?

See?

It doesn't make any sense. My whole life doesn't make any sense.

Hey, how can you say that?

You haven't even lived your whole life.

Yeah, well, I guess that's true. For all we know, life doesn't even make sense.

You know, like jokes.

Like right now, you're just a guy sitting in a bar with a duck on his

Exactly.

I'm just beginning.

It's almost like today is the first day of the rest of my life. Like the poster.

What poster?

Never mind.

Do you realize what an opportunity this is?

I mean,

Look at all those windows. Behind every one of them are people stumbling through

life with no idea why they're doing what they're doing.

I think they know why they're doing it.

Anyway,

thanks to you, I...

Could be popsicles if they're really big and in your way.

Craig, have you slept at all? 32 years, thank you very much.

Okay.

What you doing?

Reading all your books on spiritual enlightenment.

Really?

Stop. It's incredible. Do you realize that most of these guys have spent their

entire lives figuring out who they are and what their true purpose was?

Yeah, it's amazing, isn't it?

Unbelievable. I mean, if you buckle down, it shouldn't take more than a

Do you really read all of these books? Oh, I skim them. I got gist.

Walden, Simplify, Tibetan Book of the Dead, We're All Gonna Die, Be Here Now.

Well, duh.

Then next time I'm going to read the Bible.

Oh, well, let me save you some time. First half, don't mess with God. Second

half, be nice to people.

Thank you. That's a couple of days right there.

I think I need some coffee. Okay.

I'm going to try some meditation.

Okay,

I see how that can be helpful.

fine as well.

How can I help you?

Well, I certainly appreciate you respecting my wishes and calling before

drop by. However, now would not be a good time.

Because I have guests.

What do you mean, where are they? Where are you?

Apparently. So, to what do I owe the honor?

Why can't a daughter -in -law just drop by and say howdy -do?

Because we are not mountain folk.

I just wanted to give you a little heads up about Greg.

What about him? Well, last night, he had what's probably a very normal, healthy,

spiritual awakening. And now he's peeling off the layers of Greg

we're familiar with.

and replacing him with a whole brand new guy.

What I'm saying is, how can we be sure of anything?

The table. It's only a table because we call it a table. It's only here because

we all agree it's here.

So you're against casual Fridays?

I'm against living an unexamined life.

So you're for casual Fridays?

Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?

Well, let's see.

Mr. Claiborne called the meeting to order. Mr. Webster brought up the issue

casual Fridays, and then Buzz Aldrin here took off for the move.

I'm glad you're here, Pete. Nobody helped him.

Pete.

What is this?

Who's there?

A very simple way of looking at this, okay?

Greg is like a caterpillar who spent his whole life in a cocoon and now he's

emerging as a beautiful butterfly.

So he's gay?

Don't you ever wonder why we're doing this?

Why we all became attorneys?

I don't know.

on this big fancy mask and march around, hey, look at me, I'm an attorney, I'm

an attorney.

Not for long.

So, he's just trying to find himself.

Exactly.

Nothing to worry about.

Well, I think we all feel better if I can speak for the group.

Mrs. Darvish phone.

Are you in for Mr. Pete?

Thank you, Celia. You're welcome.

Hey, Pete, what's up?

Oh, that's bad.

Oh, that's really bad. Okay, I'll be right over. What's wrong?

What makes you think something's wrong? Gotta go.

Oh, that's handy.

me ask you a question.

Do you still consider this a death?

What do you think, honey?

Exactly.

That's my point. It's all subjective.

Hello?

Hey, look at that.

Your desk flipped, too.

He's just going to go home and take a little break.

You know what?

She's right. I quit. I didn't say that. No, you didn't have to.

I got you. I quit.

Look, Mrs. Montgomery, don't you think you should let him make this decision?

I didn't make this decision.

Well, then why are you telling him to quit? I didn't.

I didn't.

He's not quitting. No, no, no.

I'm out of here. I quit.

If his mother calls, this was not my fault, okay?

Because society said, come inside, Greg, it's raining.

But why can't it be? It's raining, Greg.

been ever since. Any questions?

Are you telling me Gregory quit his job and he has been in bed for the last two

days?

Yes.

So, if there are no other questions, thank you very much for coming.

Dama, we cannot just go. We have to handle this crisis. It's not a crisis,

Kitty. It's a celebration.

Really, I mean...

You know what they say.

There's no epidural during a spiritual rebirth.

I always thought it was there are no atheists in a foxhole.

Look, I just want us all to agree that we are going to give Greg our love and

support. Okay? No pressure.

We have never pressured Gregory. Never. Are you kidding? You guys wrapped him

tighter than an airport sandwich.

I was working. I barely spoke to the boy.

Are you saying this is my fault?

No, you're a perfect mother and a beautiful woman.

Dharma, do you have anything stronger than scotch?

Edward, I don't want to judge, but your drinking could be part of the problem.

Hey, wait a minute. I never drank around the boy. I always drank alone.

Look, Ed, I think we may have strayed The subject. What was the subject?

How do you dress yourself in the morning?

You called a family meeting for that?

Hey. Hey, Jane.

I just wanted to give you this for Greg.

You know, in case he starts chewing on his leg.

for 14 hours.

Oh, yeah, I was there for eight of them.

What are you watching?

Some movie.

This guy's from the future, but the movie was made in the 40s, so he's

from five years ago.

Well, I'll be darned.

How's your voyage of self -discovery going?

Good. Going to a Giants game this afternoon with the guy who brought the

phone books.

You're going to another baseball game?

Yeah, but today I'm taking my mitt. You know, I would have caught that ball

yesterday if I'd had a mitt.

to unwind and slow down, but look at you go.

Did you get the new TV guide?

Yes. And the fiddle paddle.

Yep.

And I also got you a book.

It's about how to incorporate spirituality into your everyday life.

you ever choose to have one again.

Nice.

I wonder how fiddle paddle would taste in milk.

Well, Dharma, it takes as long as it takes.

Hey, look who's up.

Morning.

Anyway, Dharma, the best thing you can do for Greg is be there for him and just

give him as much time as he needs to find his true path.

Abby. Yeah. Do you know where this week's TV guide is?

Here, Larry.

Thanks.

Oh, boy, organic food.

Oh, hot, hot, good, good, hot, good.

All right, mister, here's how it's going to be.

I'm going to the store, which, in case you're wondering, is how Pop -Tarts get

here. And when I get back, I want you showered and shaved and on some damn

to enlightenment. I don't care which one.

This is Garfield.

Where did you get this?

Found it.

Half the pages are... missing, but that's okay because it's not really a

Are you going to dump him?

No, I'm not going to dump him. Come on, dump him. Then I'll dump Pete. We'll go

do something fun.

I thought you and Pete were happy.

We are, but if you're going to be single, I don't want to miss out.

We're not breaking up.

I love Greg.

I love Greg more than anything.

I think

I

need to go apologize to Greg.

Right now?

on the vibrating pony, and then we're leaving.

Greg?

I got you the new TV guide and some fiddle -faddle.

Greg? Dharma?

What?

Oh, my God.

What?

You were right. I wasn't accomplishing anything sitting at home.

If I'm really serious... about changing my life. I've got to go out into the

world and take some chances. I'll call you as soon as I can. I love you.

He's gone.

Wow.

Yeah.

Can I have his fiddle faddle?