Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada. The glittering city of

excitement and laughter provides the scintillating backdrop for tonight's

-studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here tonight.

They are in Las Vegas in person.

As Dean Martin honors our Woman of the Hour, Valerie Harper.

With tonight's guests, Nancy Walker, David Grohl, Rich Little,

Kelly Winters, Ed Asner,

Isabel Sanford, Phyllis Diller,

Ed Everett, Milton Berle, Foster Brooks,

Georgia Engel, Julie Kavner.

Nipsey Russell, Jack Carter, Red Button, Eva

Gabor, Jack Albertson, Harold Poole, and your Roastmasters, Dean Martin,

with tonight's very special woman of the hour, Valerie Hopper.

Tonight we are here to pay tribute to the star of the Rota show, Valerie

And everybody's here tonight except Carl Malden. He was a little delayed.

Someone stole his American Express card.

Valerie, you're one of a kind. You can sing, dance. You're able to do

comedy, bits.

dramatic scenes.

How many actresses can do that? Just you and Ruth Buzzi.

Then one day she said to herself, if I'm ever going to make it, it's going to be

in California.

Well, she went to California and it was there that Valerie won instant

recognition.

In just a couple of weeks, she was known by every head waiter in Hollywood.

They even had a special name for her.

Waitress!

After that, things started to happen. One day, she auditioned for the Mary

Moore show, and the producer said, there's no end to this girl's talent.

There's no beginning either.

My next guest, Rich Little, does so many impressions that when he talks in his

sleep, his wife applauds.

Rich Little.

Thank you, darling.

As you know, I do an impression of you.

Would you like me to do it so you know what you said?

Let's do the drink anyway. This has got to be a put -on. This has got to be

ginger ale.

That's ginger ale. I'm Sammy Davis, Jr.

Now, I do a lot of crap, Valerie, and... you've got even more

fans than you think.

When I was in Washington recently, some of your biggest fans asked me to deliver

a message to you.

And here's one from Henry Kissinger.

Harry.

My wife, Nancy, and I watch your show every Monday night.

I must say that we find it very funny.

Here's one from Teddy Kennedy.

Well, Valerie, all of us Kennedys want to, of course, send you the very best.

And each week, our entire family tunes into the roadshow.

And if you add a couple of Catholic families on the block, well, that's

to keep anyone in the top ten for the next 50 years.

Here's a message from President Ford.

Now, I'm not too sure how big a fan he is. President Ford.

I'd like you to know that Congress introduced a bill to congratulate

Harper on being Woman of the Hour. I also want you to know that I

vetoed it.

I'd like to present our next guest.

She's the wonderful star of The Jeffersons, Isabel Sanford, the lady who

whittles George Jefferson down to size.

Isabel Sanford.

Valerie, I need you to be able to stick together.

Someone once gave me advice about staying successful.

There are some very important things you have to keep in mind.

Things like protecting your image.

The first thing, drive carefully.

Remember, if you ever have an accident, the newspaper sprints your real age.

Speaking of age, whenever anybody asks you, just tell them you're 30 -ish.

Give or take an ish.

Number two, go back to your old weight. Get heavy again.

The bigger you are, the less people they can fit in the scene with you.

And always remember, honey, keep your name in the public eye.

Get in the gossip column. Start fooling around with someone other than your

husband. Even if you don't get the publicity, what do you care?

Now, listen to me, Valerie.

Here's something they told me that's really important.

When you climb that ladder of success, break every rung.

Make sure that nobody can follow you.

Forget me. I used to have to sit in the back of the bus and the back of the

train. Since I had my own series, the company gave me a chauffeur.

So now I have to sit in the back of the car.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fine young actor. You enjoy him every week, as

husband, Mr. David Grohl.

Now, most of the speakers tonight have been, well, they've been talking about

the negative side of Valerie Harper.

And that's certainly understandable.

But I thought I'd take a different approach.

Talk about the good things about Valerie.

Well, here goes nothing.

A lot of people want to know what it's like to play somebody's husband on a TV

show.

I wonder how it feels to kiss a big television star.

I really wouldn't know. You'd have to ask Valerie.

Now, to give you an idea of what this lady is really like, I remember when

first went on the air.

Valerie said, I'm going to make it to the top, but I don't want to destroy

anyone on my way up.

Unless, of course, it'll help.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, a comedian.

most respected by his pairs?

Ears! Ears!

Red button! One of the best!

I'm watching it, pal. You've been putting it away pretty good.

Pretty good, you're not going to believe this. Folks, you are not going to

believe this.

Right here, today, at the Lion's Den Lounge, right here in my favorite hotel,

the MGM Grand,

Dean drank two fifths and a cocktail

waitress.

a dinner for Valerie Harper when some of the greatest women in the history of

the world never got a dinner.

Eve, who said to Adam in the Garden of Eden, what do you mean the kids don't

look like you?

Never got a dinner. Got an apple, but never got a dinner.

To Moshe Dayan, how come the Arabs have the gas, we have the hard bank?

Noah's wife, Stephanie.

Noah's wife, Stephanie, who said to Noah, after it had been raining for 40

and 40 nights, it's your turn to put the papers on the floor.

Jack the Ripper's mother, Rhoda.

I never see you with the same girl twice.

Martha Washington who said to her husband, George, sure, I let you out of

house one night. People tell me you slept here, you slept there.

Mrs. Evel Knievel who once said to her husband, why do you always go to pieces?

is not without foundation.

Valerie, you are proof that a girl can make it in this business and

become a huge star.

Huge star.

By studying, struggling, persevering and bringing coffee for Mary Tyler Moore.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's a terrific lady, a wonderful comedian, and I do

love her, Miss Philip Dillon.

I do love this man, but I really wish he wouldn't drink so much.

And Dean claims he only drinks when he smokes.

Right now he's up to eight cartons a day.

You love my dress? Yeah. I got lucky. Milton's wearing a tux tonight.

But, Dean, I know why you invited me here tonight.

Just to stand up here and take cheap shots at a lovely, successful girl like

Valerie Harper.

Thank you, Dean.

But when I think about it, why should I insult Valerie?

I mean, her Rhoda show is in its second season.

I had a series once, you know.

My watch ran longer.

Because I do believe that I'm less temperamental than you are, Valerie.

I asked her director if you were difficult to work with, and he said,

seen Jaws?

And the last director that yelled at Valerie, cut, was.

even insult Valerie's body. She looks wonderful.

And she used to be fat and dumpy.

Ha! For me, that would be a step up.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most talented performer and, uh...

A friend of mine, Mr. Jack Alfred. I love him.

Sorry, darling, before I start, I'd like you to know that I canceled a dental

appointment to be here.

And if you want to know the truth, I think I made a terrible mistake.

But it really is very nice being here. because there are some old friends here

don't get to see very often, like, well, Shelley Winters, for example.

Something occurred to me about Shelley.

In her first big picture, Place in the Sun, they drowned her.

In the Poseidon Adventure, they also drowned her.

Shelley, I have a feeling they're trying to tell you something.

And now, Valerie, back to you.

Now, before I do, I'd like to acknowledge an old Broadway buddy of

Walker.

I happen to know you sacrificed a lot to be here with Valerie this evening.

Your self -respect.

Nancy, after working in the business all these years, it's nice to see you're co

-starring in a series with one of the great comic personalities of all times,

Rock Hudson.

that Rock Ellison.

He's the only man I know who can walk into an empty room and blend right in.

And now back to you, Valerie.

Oh, I almost forgot.

My very dear friend, Ava Gabor.

Ava is still upholding the tradition of the Gabor sisters.

Last night, she went out with a $6 million man.

And today, he's known as the $3 million man.

I see an old friend of mine from burlesque days.

Red Button.

And I want to tell you, I saw you on a pitch of Stagecoach with John Wayne, and

I have to tell you, I was proud of you.

All the Indians called Red Great White Father.

And two of the squaws actually proved it in court.

And now, Valerie, it's really time for me to get back to you, but I see the

allotted me has expired.

policy, so I want to say that whatever the others on the day have said about

goes for me, too. I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, a dynamic actress who has starred in every medium,

Shelley Winters.

Thank you for that wonderful introduction, Dean.

You know, you are a very unique man.

You're the only Italian I never married.

It's very hard for me to do put -downs. But looking at you, Valerie, somehow

it comes easy.

You're a kooky lady.

I remember when you won your Emmy.

In your speech, you thanked your psychiatrist.

Now, Dean Martin has won millions of awards.

Did he ever congratulate his bartender?

Nipsey Russell won awards. Did he ever thank his witch doctor?

I don't understand what's gotten into you, Valerie.

Tantrums, temperaments, screaming, walking off the set.

What are you trying to do, become another Shelley Winters?

gentlemen, a man who has made a great contribution to the world of laughter,

Milton Burke.

Thank you.

It's a thrill for me to be here tonight.

It's more than a thrill.

It's a damned inconvenience. That's what it is.

I like working because I've got a problem.

My wife ran away with my best friend, and I miss him.

Well, you'll have to laugh faster because I've got to fly back to New York

the show. A -Beam and the city of New York are giving a big dinner to

Ford at the Automat for separate checks.

Nancy Walker, you're looking great. You've taken off height.

And when Rich Little first came from Canada, he could only do two voices,

Eddy and a moose.

And I'm very happy about Jack Albertson's success.

He just signed a three -year contract with General Motors.

He bought a new car.

Valerie did not become a star overnight. Hard work, perseverance.

She made a lot of pilots.

One from TWA.

You don't remember me, Valerie, from New York. We were at a dinner together

about 10 years ago.

And where you were honored, it was kind of 12 years ago. I was there. I remember

you very well because I never forget a dress.

Here is where the excitement is, Las Vegas.

I got to tell you, last night some guy came over to me in the casino and he

says, would you like some action?

I said, yes. So he held me up.

It's a wild town. There's a woman attacked here every 60 seconds. You

know that?

No, I did not. Got a minute?

Now, I'd like to say one thing about

this lovely woman of the hour, Valerie.

I'm very... She's really very happy about your success and about your high

ratings and how terrific Rhoda is going.

But if I may make one comment, in all honesty, Valerie, you made one big

mistake.

I should have played your sister.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's a guy who plays a divorced man who's cynical,

depressed, and boozes, which earned him an Emmy for comedy.

Ed Asner.

Let me tell you something about Valerie the Harper.

When she first came to the Mary Tyler Moore Show, We all knew she was going to

be a star.

How did we know?

Because she used to sit around on the set memorizing Mary's life.

Now, before the first season was over, Mary was letting Val have all the

It was either that or Mary every morning finding the tires on her car slashed.

Personal things about Val that you may not know. For instance, Valerie Harper

married. A lot of people don't know that, including Valerie.

And there is her big -heartedness, her generosity.

I mean, for instance, while she was on the Mary Tyler Moore show, she won

four Emmys. I lost count.

And every time she won, she insisted.

on sharing them with the rest of the cast at $2 a glance.

In the brilliant comedy show

MASH, here's one of the funniest guys in the company, Corporal Klinger.

The Marines build men, but the Army offers you an alternative.

You know, dressing like this, I've learned a lot about women's beauty

know how to make women look better.

As a matter of fact, I was the one that told Phyllis Diller to get her face

lifted and moved a little to the left.

Tonight, Valerie, I thought I'd give you a few tips on how to improve your

appearance.

Starting at the bottom.

Leave that alone.

You've got to do something about your hair.

I would suggest electrolysis.

Valerie, the most important thing is to dress so that you accentuate your strong

points and cover your weak points.

And in your case, that means open -toed shoes and a veil.

If you followed my advice, you'd be every bit as pretty as Mary Tyler Moore.

But you'll never look as good as Ted Knight.

Please!

Where's the Ava Grabber?

Gabor recently dropped 10 pounds.

She lost a diamond earring.

Eva Gabor.

You know, you're really very funny.

I wish you were my lover.

I love to laugh.

Well, tonight I'm here for lovely Valerie.

Oh, Valerie, you look so beautiful in that dress, darling.

No one would ever dream that it was from last year.

Oh, why didn't you come to me first? I would have warned you about that dress.

You never can tell what you get when you rent a dress for the evening.

Seeing how everyone here is talking about Val's show and everything, I

it might be interesting to take a trip around her medically.

I'll buy a ticket for that.

Valerie Harper is a perfect medical specimen.

For example, let's study her...

Basal ganglia.

Oh, yeah.

And, Dean, basal ganglia are nerve endings.

Oh. Valerie has magnificent basal ganglia.

If I was going to ganglia, I'd use her basals. Well,

what would you say about the deep, dark threshold of Valerie's palatine fossil?

I think I'm going to leave that alone.

Well, just for that, I'm not going to tell you about her quivering articles.

Or her wet, lacrimal ducks.

Everett, you can make an aspirin sound like we're about to get raided.

Valerie Harper is a beautiful lady, from her cerebellum to her metatarsals,

which is just another way of saying from the top of her pretty head to the tip

of her lovely toes, she's a very special lady.

Yeah.

Oh, boy, I don't know them kind of words. I have a tough time at all ways.

I ain't gonna say that.

I want to see you say, you come up here and say that. Come here, put that card

back.

You say that card. No, read it. No, no jokes. Just read that card.

I will more than tell the choir.

Thank you, Chad.

That sounds like your esophagus caused the quickening of the ventricles.

you, Chad.

Yeah, the sounds from your esophagus are causing a quivering of my ventricle.

Oh, yeah, and I couldn't say that again if it meant an Oscar.

What is it? Let's make a deal?

Some of the greatest women in the history of the world never had a

their ventricle.

I'm still here. I'll be gone soon.

Oh, look at this. I won the place setting.

Look down. Help me.

We want you to meet Julie Kniever.

No, Kavner. I know.

She was an instant sensation from the time the show first went on the air.

Even the producer said, she's better than Valerie.

And he still says that to anyone he happens to meet at the unemployment

Well, this kid's sister, Brenda Morgenstern.

Well,

all these people, Valerie, putting you down, you know, and it really hasn't

easy for me to sit back and listen to all those terrible things they've been

saying about you. I mean, a couple of times I really wanted to jump out of my

seat and just shout, hey, right on.

But really, I really am glad that I came. I mean, we really sort of do this

the road to set, but... It's more fun saying these things to her face.

But Valerie did talk me into coming here, and she really poured on the

She said, look, I'm not trying to be your big sister, but just think of this

a request coming from someone who likes you, respects you, and can have you

fired like that.

I understand that the object of this roast is for me to viciously attack some

the people who I love more than life itself.

And I told them I wouldn't do that. But then they told me how much money that

they were paying me.

So, Valerie, stick it in your ear.

We're cheering for Valerie Harper tonight, and I'll be leading the cheers.

It's a pleasure to root for Rhoda. I've been a Rhoda rooter for years.

It's a sincere compliment, and I know you wish you could jump up and kiss me,

but don't do it.

Because once you go black, you never go back.

The Roadshow is based on two relationships.

The mother relationship and the marriage relationship.

The mother relationship I don't understand altogether.

Since you're doing so well, why do you still have your mother working as a maid

for Rock Hudson?

The marriage relationship, now let me see.

I have a distorted impression of marriage. I got it from the people who

the next apartment to me.

Now, this woman's got enough mouth for another row of teeth.

She jumps on her poor husband the minute he comes into the house.

Why do you come in here half drunk?

He said, because I ran out of money.

In the context of having a star on television, I...

for women's liberation.

I want that Equal Rights Amendment to pass.

I'm all for women's live. I want to see women be equal to men instead of so darn

superior the way they've been.

But if equal rights for men and women continue, life will be very sunny.

One day we'll see a woman as a football coach and I'll be a playboy bunny.

Now I'd like to call on Georgia.

Georgia.

Georgia Engel from the Mary Tyler Moore Show.

She's one of the most sweet and shy people you'll ever come across.

In fact, she's so shy that when she takes a bath, she blindfolds herself.

Whenever they ask me to be on one of these roasts, they ask me to come up

some really rough singers.

However, there seems to be something always lacking in my things.

So, as usual, the staff gave me some things to say about the guests on the

dance. Some clout, some raps, and some put -down sticks.

Glad to see Jack Carter here tonight. He always speaks his mind.

Unfortunately, it limits his conversation to 30 seconds.

There's another zinger.

There's Red Buttons over there.

Red went from comedy to drama, and it happened right in the middle of his act.

that, Mr.

Buttons. I know you do both high drama and low comedy.

But I've seen your comedy and it's the lowest.

It's always nice to see Dean Martin here. You don't generally run into a guy

like Dean. You generally trip over him.

Miss Winters is sitting on the dais. Shelly's very unusual.

Her mouth is registered as a dangerous weapon.

That's just a terrible thing to say, Miss Winters. I happen to admire people

are not afraid to say what they feel and speak right out loud.

And nobody speaks out louder than you do.

My good friend, Valerie Harper.

All her life, Valerie's had a fear people don't like her. So she went to a

psychiatrist. Now she's learned to live with it.

Val knows I would never say something like that.

I know Val worries about many things.

Her weight, figure, hair, talent.

And she's right, she should worry.

Right now, I'd like you to meet the person who is responsible for the way

Valerie acts and speaks.

Her New York drama coach, Mr. Foster Brooks.

I pray that very few of you here know that Dean Meyer...

Spent a lot of time on the New York stage.

And he also spent a lot of time on the New York street and so few of the

alleyways.

Let me get right to my long time... To

my long time friend and star boople...

first piece lessons she has she has speech speech problem so

I tried the best possible way to straighten it out with straighten her

tongue twisters tongue twisters like

like this she shall shall she is by the she shall shall

Well,

now that was her favorite.

This is laughing.

The Sicilian sponge.

The one I always liked was Rubber Baby on the Monkey Bunkers.

Rubber Bobby's on the Baby Bunkers.

She sometimes comes over and lectures classes at my workshop, the Methodist

Actors Bar and Grill.

A man of whom the shark in Jaws said, He's my kind of guy,

Mr. Jack Carter.

Wonderful evening. It's a very patriotic night. Dean is celebrating the

bicentennial. Just this morning, he took his 1 ,776th drink.

Valerie, this is a great thrill. I come here tonight with a great feeling of

expectancy, a great feeling of excitement, actually.

It's more a feeling of pity.

This is the most pitiful collection I have ever seen.

Look at all these leftovers from bowling for dollars.

This is Lamadine. These are the big names.

First time I've been to a dinner where the celebrities needed name tags for

identification.

Rowe. What is that Rowe? I don't know.

And Harold Goyle.

Jamie Farr.

Maybe I can understand.

When he shaves, he's not a bad looking broad, you know?

What a beautiful night, really. And there are some nice ladies I appreciate

seeing here. Biggies like Phyllis Diller and Shelley Winters.

The wind and the lion.

No, I wouldn't pick on Shelley. I wouldn't put her down. Who the hell can

her up?

The only woman I know gets obscene phone calls. Collect.

I'm gaining a little.

Laugh, Milton. I laughed when you died.

Never talk over nifty muscles.

That's the greatest smile in the world, isn't it?

Pearly teeth. And what else would you wear with pearls?

What's that, darling? What did they say?

And Chad, Chad Bobola, Chad Everett. Look at him sitting there with Glen

Campbell's old hair.

Chad, never sit in a tuxedo with your arms folded. They'll bury you just that

way.

Now, how could we go along and leave out the beautiful Foster Brooks?

We brought Foster here especially, Dean, so you could see what you're going to

look like about three years from now.

Ladies and

gentlemen, the co -star of Valerie's 11 -year marriage, Mr. Richard Shaw.

I'm very happy to share this tribute to Valerie because I don't get to see her

too often.

The only way we communicate is through little notes that we leave around for

each other.

Little notes like, please pass the butter.

Once a note, another note from Valerie.

Dear Dick, you've been great so far.

Don't spoil it.

Just say, and now, ladies and gentlemen, Here's Valerie.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, here's Valerie.

This is it.

And thank you to Dean.

Dean, I've been a fan of yours for a long time. Really, really a long time.

I mean, when I first saw you in a nightclub, I knew you were a smash.

And you've been smashed ever since.

And I'd also like to acknowledge this deus.

Their humor, their wit, their ad libs. I mean, this could start a new trend in

television. Situation tragedy.

A few days ago, Dean here told me that he needed to get a few more big names

this show.

So I put in an emergency call to Jack Carter.

See if he knew any big names.

It's really nice to see Isabel Sanford here. Hi, Isabel.

Gee, I never get a chance to see you often enough. I wish we were better

friends. Of course, I never get over to your part of town.

Beverly Hills.

lucky she never has to go to the beauty parlor right i mean she just goes over

to a chico in the man's garage and they take the dents out of her body nipsey

russell i always get a kick out of you nipsey really i i really i just i just

love your uh your poems there's something else they certainly are not

nifty's come a long way in this business as a matter of fact there's a bronze

plaque on the house he was born in it says Two miles to Willie Mays' house.

And Milton, Milton, you're incredible. You did such a sweet thing here tonight.

Do you know, folks, that in keeping with our country's bicentennial spirit, all

the jokes Milton told tonight were 200 years old?

And, of course, everybody knows Jamie Farr from the MASH show.

You know, he's not kidding with that dress.

A few minutes ago, he slipped Chad Everett his phone number.

Where's Ava?

Ava. Ever since Green Acres was canceled, I see you now every afternoon

game shows.

Now, I get to turn you off five times a week.

I have an old alumnus of mine here from the Mary Tyler Moore show, Georgia

Engel. Georgia is truly the sweetest girl I know.

She's so sweet.

I think she was bitten by Pat Boone.

I love Nancy, though, but what a mouth she has.

She bit her tongue once. Got food poisoning.

And there she is, my kid sister.

Julie Kavner plays Brenda on the Rotor Show. Now, Julie lives by a great motto.

You only go around once in life, and she can't wait to get started.

You all know him as Dr. Joe Gannon on Medical Center.

Chad, you've always had a flair for the dramatic.

And you have proved that tonight on this comedy show.

And my dear husband, Richard.

Richard Shaw. I truly love him. And we're very happy. We really are. After a

of years in this business, struggling and trying to get ahead, both of our

careers are going quite well now.

I'm making it on Rota, and Dick is making it with Phyllis.

Well, that's about it, except I would like to say one thing. I really would.

I love...

I love this business. I love acting. I'm proud to be a part of the acting

profession. I've had a lot of lovely opportunities working on Broadway, and

made motion pictures, of course television, appearing with Mary Tyler

which got me my own show. All of these were wonderful experiences.

And now, this evening, you can't win them all.