Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

And tonight's very special, everybody.

Boom, ba -boom!

It's with great pride that we honor one of the great authors of our time, who

was most remembered for his book, In Cold Blood.

I'm proud to say I own a copy of the book.

I didn't buy the book.

I got it free. It came inside a box of Chung King's frozen egg roll.

Though Truman was born in poverty, he now owns a home in Palm Springs, a home

New York.

Home in Southampton and a home in Switzerland.

And he did it the hard way. He doesn't know B .B. Rebozo.

Truman is proof of the American dream. Born on a farm in Louisiana, he had a

tragic childhood.

His father was a farmer and the government paid his father not to raise

But he fought to get an education.

He knew that in the South, you cannot vote if you're illiterate, but you can

elected.

Truman has been accused of being a social snob, and rightly so. He's so

he never goes to the bathroom.

But he's kind and generous.

One time he gave a surprise party for his black maid, Myrtle Bennett.

At the most exclusive restaurant in New York. Not only that, he had Myrtle

brought to the party in a chauffeur -driven subway.

I don't know whether any of you know this, but the TV series The Waltons is

based on Truman's early life. As a matter of fact, Truman expected someone

the Walton family to be here. When he came into the studio tonight, the first

thing he said to me was, Where's the John, boy?

pleasure now for me to introduce Ted Knight. Ted certainly had an influence

the Mary Tyler Moore show. He's the one who made Mary Tyler Moore Mary Tyler

-less.

And I'm a fine character actor and comedian, Mr. Ted Knight.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

You know, I must say, in all candor, I've been a great admirer of Truman ever

since he beat Dewey.

I'm only kidding. I know you're not the one who beat Dewey. But your brother,

right?

You know, to look at Truman Capote, you'd never guess what kind of guy he

is. I mean, on the surface, he seems like a shy, quiet, introverted

intellectual. Right?

But as we insiders all know, in actuality...

He's quite different.

Truman Capote is the biggest stud in Hollywood.

It's true.

They all know this. It's inside.

Raquel Wells calls him her little chicken delight.

That's because he always delivers.

And who do you think was responsible for the breakup between Liz and Dick?

Oh, yes. He laughs, but he knows.

Dick was so shocked when he found out about Liz and Truman.

You know, for ten years, he thought it was a Mexican hairless lying at the foot

of the bed.

Truman and Devil.

Yes, as every leading lady in Hollywood knows, Truman Capote is not only

a literary giant.

one of the top literary critics in America, a great admirer of our Man of

Week. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Saturday Review of Literature, here's

Roberta Cush.

Thank you, Dean.

And good evening, lovers of distinguished novels.

Or, as Dean would say, hello, bookies.

was destined to be a novelist. He learned to write on his mother's knees.

They were very poor and they couldn't afford paper.

But he is living proof that in America you can grow up to be anything that you

want. And as a boy, Truman wanted to be Betty Davis.

But, uh... In reviewing Truman's work, a critic must learn to read between the

lines because the lines themselves are so dull.

Now, in your first book, Other Voices, Other Rooms, you will find 130 of the

most exciting pages that you have ever read.

And I want to tell you something.

130 out of 1 ,000 is not bad.

The book is self -admittedly an autobiography of Mr. Capote. And I

like everything in it except the hero.

And Mr. Capote has twice received the O. Henry Short Story Award.

Mainly because he is the only person shorter than an O 'Henry bar.

And twice as nutty.

I just finished the galley cruise of your new book, Truman.

And I want to tell you, I am going right straight home and burn my library card.

That was Miss Audrey Meadows, a very funny lady. Thank you, Audrey.

Donald O 'Connor was really born in a trunk.

He was so young when he went on the stage that they changed him more often

the scenery.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great performer and a paid -up member in the Screen

Actors Guild, Mr.

Donald O 'Connor.

Thank you, dear.

Thank you. I just have a few notes here, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, Truman Capote is known as one of America's great writers.

He's the man who gave us the wonderful book of the voices of the rooms, the

story of the Watergate Hotel.

And the literary world will never forget the grass harp, the story of a crazy

musician who tried to make a musical instrument out of a funny cigarette.

Of course, you'll always remember Truman's greatest work in Cold Blood.

where Jack Benny gathers his household staff together and reads them their

Christmas card.

Then there were the screenplays Truman created for Pedro's porno productions of

Tijuana.

Tilly and the butler.

Millie and the electrician.

Millie and Tilly and the butler and the electrician.

Meet Ted and Carol and Bob and Alice. It was a wonderful time.

However, Truman was forced to quit when the studio went bankrupt and auctioned

off their entire inventory of masks and black socks.

I don't know about you, but this is killing me.

No matter

who...

we're roasting. It's always nice to have Rich Little with us. He's the best

impressionist there is. Last week, he did a great impression of Frank Sinatra.

He was going real good until he ran out of vitamin E.

Thank you, gentlemen.

A wonderful comedian and a great, well, the greatest, Mr. Rich Little.

Thank you.

Truman Capote has said many times publicly that actors are not too bright.

Now, maybe the reason for that is that he has a deep -seated desire to be an

actor himself.

And I'll go along with that.

I mean, I think there's a lot of parts that Truman here could have played.

For instance, I think he would have made a very interesting Hamlet.

To be or

not to be.

That's always been my question.

would have made a great Sergeant Striker in the movie Sands of Iujima.

Unfortunately, it went to an actor by the name of John Wayne. But to me, it

always be a Truman Capote picture.

All right, men.

Listen and listen tight.

very dangerous mission.

As a matter of fact, it could be quite nasty.

You're going to hit those beaches.

You're going to hit those beaches and it's going to be rough and tough all the

way.

This ain't no high school picnic.

It's going to be murder out there.

Golly, I wish I could be going with you.

Thank you.

That's why he's the baby.

Joseph Wambaugh is a Los Angeles police officer who also writes bestsellers like

The Blue Knight, The New Centurions, and The Onion Field.

He's so prolific that they just published all the speeding tickets he's

Ladies and gentlemen, here is badge number 178, Detective Sergeant Joseph

Wambaugh.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Dean.

Few people know what a warm spot law enforcement officers have for Dean

seriously.

Whenever we need decorations for a policeman's ball... We can always stop

the freeway and have him blow up balloons for us.

But I'm here today to talk about Truman Capote, and I haven't heard such

tributes to a man's background since I left the Vice Squad.

Really, I respect Truman Capote. In my opinion, he's the greatest male literary

figure since Jacqueline Suzanne.

But beyond being the great author and literary second -guesser, Truman is also

famous for his work in prison reform, as you all know. He's done many shows from

penal institutions.

He's on such good terms with the prisoners, he calls them by their first

And all the long -termers in prison say, I'm in for 20 years to life.

What are you in for?

Truman says, companionship.

Thank you, Rosa.

Truman, a lot of your friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight, but

sent some wires.

No telegrams, just wires.

Now, the first one says, Dear Mr. Capote, last year I read your book in

blood, and now that's how I cook everything, signed Count Dracula.

This next one is from...

Kitty Craft Manufacturing Company. It reads this, sir.

We are pleased to inform you that we are naming our new kitty toilet training

device after you. We call it the Truman Capote.

Ladies, I'm still a champion in my book, Mr. Rocky Graziano.

Dean, thank you very much. I've been listening to you talk. I had 125 fights.

Watch your shoes.

I don't stay here with this here, Mr.

Custer, but as a literarian, some of you literates out there may remember my

first novel, Somebody Up There Likes Me.

My next book is going to be called Nobody

Down There Likes Me.

as told to Rocky Graziano by Richard Nixon.

But tonight, I'd like to talk about another great storyteller, Truman

Look at him. He's so cute.

Look at that baby face.

When I meet him, I want to boip him.

When he first came to me, he wanted to be a fighter. So I taught him all I know

about alley fighting and street fighting.

As a result, he decisions three alley cats and got a drawer with a street

walker.

There's a lot of good writers of fiction, but nobody handles prose like

except maybe Dean. He went out with a couple of them the other night.

I got his first draft, and I was strucken by his subsidary of his style.

the discipline of his dialogue and the formula of his form.

But I predict great things for the kid. Someday he's going to win the Pozzola

Prize.

You go over his bibliography and you're going to admit he's got one of the

greatest bivvies of all time.

In conclusion, I don't care what these clowns say about you, Truman.

I always thought you were a great president.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is Grace, Beauty and Charm, the very talented

actress, Miss Jean Simmons.

Mrs. Truman, who on a TV network said in cold blood, Actors are dumb and

boring.

I don't know how old you are, love, but

one of your contemporaries, as witty and wise and just as alive as you are right

now, said, all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players.

So, either Truman Capote is one of us dumb, boring people,

or he'll have to get the hell off this glorious global stage.

of the penitentiary where Truman has been conducting his research.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you all please welcome Warden Foster Brooks.

Thank you very much, Mr. Martin.

Mr. Martin.

Incidentally, your Uncle Rocco sends his best regards.

I've gotten to know Truman Capote

very,

very well.

Every week he comes to my prison and talks to my... He talks to... What

do you call him? The fellow who does that like zebras?

All of

the

prisoners have grown very fond of Truman.

And they really... love his book.

Especially since we've been having a shortage of supplies in the washroom.

Now, it doesn't matter who Truman is interviewing, a mugger,

mugger, an arsonist, a murder, murdered,

murdered, murdered.

asks very searching and penetrating questions.

Like, if you had your life to live over, would you live it as a blonde?

But Truman Capote is not only interested in reporting the facts, he has a deep

humanitarian interest.

In the rehabilitation of all types of criminals.

I once asked him what he thought I should do for my pimps.

He

told

me I should try clearasil.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to hear a few words from our man of the week,

America's giant of the literary world, Mr.

Truman Capote.

I don't know if you can hear any words from me at all. I think I should just

rush out there and call my lawyer.

However, to put a good surface on it, thank you, Mr. Martin, I've enjoyed so

much being your victim of the week.

I understand this part of your program really goes over big, like a pregnant

woman pole -balling.

Before the show, Mr.

Martin asked me if I'd like to write the complete story of his sexual prowess,

but I told him I don't write short stories anymore.

First off, I'd like to acknowledge the talented Audrey Meadows, who is married

to my friend, the president of Continental Airlines.

Earlier today, she was wearing brilliant yellow slack.

Talk about your proud beard with the golden tail.

And I'm glad to see Joe Wambaugh here tonight, out of uniform and out of

material, too.

is to meet Bostafruk. Did I get that right?

Actually, Bostafruk only drinks when he's worried.

You can tell from his material that he's going to get bombed right after the

show.

I was with Rocky Graziana.

As you all know, Rocky was the boxer.

I had a boxer once, too, and he also was quite a drooler.

As you know, Rocky is a wonderful chap.

He made a million dollars fighting. It's a shame that it cost that much to fix

all those fights.

In conclusion, I'd like to say that you've all made me feel very much at

My home is in Palm Springs, and nothing exciting ever happens there either.

people had any sense at all, you'd have turned your sets out long ago and

started reading my new book, The Dog's Box.

Thank you and good night.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I want to thank all my wonderful guests

being here, and a special thanks to Mr. Truman Capote. As you know, Mr. Capote's

life inspired the TV show, The Waltons.

The story of a poor family living on a ranch whose one ambition is to beat Flip

Wilson in the ratings.