Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your roast master, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special men of the week, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, this is exciting tonight. You know, every now and then...

A great comedy team comes along, and while we're waiting for them, I thought

we'd honor Rowan and Martin.

Rowan and Martin are really unique.

Individually, they're nobody, but together, they're nothing.

But I'll say one thing. Laughing had the biggest names in the business.

Nixon was a regular.

John Wayne was a regular. The only one who was irregular was Yule Gibbons.

Those hickory nuts are murder, I'll tell you that.

You all remember when Nixon was on laughing? He said, Sock it to me.

Sock it to me. And Senator Irvin did.

At one point in their career, they were signed to star in a movie called The

Maltese Bippy.

That was the picture that put MGM where it is today, in the hotel business.

Last week, the Hollywood Wax Museum put up statues of Dick and Dan, and the

statues got more laughs than they did.

I'd like to call on a good buddy of mine, Mr. Joey Bishop. Joey's an amazing

comedian.

Timing, delivery, laughs, all of it is missing.

A real funny man and a real good, wonderful friend, Mr.

Joey Bishop.

There is no team in the business, I've known quite a few, to get as well as

Rowan and Mark.

In fact, many people wonder how they managed to stay so close after all these

years.

Very few of us happen to know the truth. I happen to be one of those people.

It's very simple.

Dan Rowan and Dick Martin are secretly married.

There they are, folks, husband and husband.

One of the great love stories of our time.

They met at a college football game.

Dick was a majorette and Dan was homecoming queen.

What a wonderful marriage it's been. They haven't been blessed with any

yet, but...

Dick has three kids from a previous marriage to Fernando Lamas.

But in spite of everything, Dick and Dan have been deliriously happy.

They are probably Hollywood's happiest couple, next to Peter Marshall and

Korman.

And not many people know this. People are under the impression that you were

first partner.

Puppycock. Not true at all.

Dick's first partner, and it's going to come as a shock to many of you, was Kate

Smith.

The act broke up when Kate Smith fell asleep one night and woke up to find

Dick had made her the censor of a luau.

Kate Smith never gets big laughs.

I try to help her, but she never gets big laughs.

Once, once they teamed up, They were inseparable. There was only one time

didn't work together. I happen to know the case history. Like, Dan got sick,

Dick brought in a replacement for Dan, a lamppost.

Now, I would like to, because we are friends, make one little suggestion from

the bottom of my heart, and I only mean it for your own good.

I would like to see the both of you hire an exorcist to drive out your old

routines.

Jeff has filled this past season with a lot of laughs.

She's a very funny lady and a darn good actress. Ladies and gentlemen, here's

the talented Miss Audrey Meadow.

You know, when you hear the names Rowan and Martin, you immediately think of

other great comedy teams.

Like... Four axes, 20 mules.

The Budweiser's five sails.

And they're just as hard to follow.

But

they are

the living proof that a couple of young clods with meager talent can still come

to Hollywood and make a million dollars.

Or even much less.

You probably remember their show, Laugh -In. It was kind of a telethon for thumb

-sucking.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, has turned out anything quite so cheap and

and off -color since the Gallo brothers put out an 18 -cent -gallon jug of

Ripple.

And Dick looks like the poster boy for amnesia. Unlike Dean, Dick Martin

use cue cards.

They just put his dialogue on blocks.

He did do one very nice thing, though. He offered to donate his brain to John

Hopkins University, but he was refused.

They don't collect miniatures.

Dan Rowan is really the one with the personality if you want to split hairs.

After you see Dan Rowan, you begin to realize just how good Adolf Hitler

in a mustache.

warmth and charm of a social director on a slave ship.

But let's give the little devils their due.

They were the first, the very first television team to pack five minutes of

smash comedy into an hour program.

Ladies and gentlemen, the clever and versatile Mr. Artie Johnson.

Give me a hug.

Thank you, Dimkey.

Many people have asked what are Rowan and Martin really like. Well, tonight,

since I no longer work for them, I feel I can tell America the truth.

People always refer to Dick as the stupid one.

This just isn't fair.

Dan is certainly as stupid as Dick.

I'll give you an example of what kind of a guy Dan is. You know the Nazi uniform

I used to wear during the show?

I rented it from Dan.

It was his during the war.

Oh, I'll never forget him.

Their generosity.

I'm sorry to fail them. Their generosity is legend in the business.

When we finished taping our last show of the season, they threw a banquet like

you never saw.

I never saw it either, neither did anybody else in the band.

In conclusion, I'd like to say... Why not?

Where else do we go?

But I'd like to say that I don't deserve to be on this day as honoring Rowan and

Martin. That's true. I also don't deserve kidney stones, but I got them

Ladies and gentlemen, a former star of Laugh -In and now on the Dick Van Dyke

Show, Mr. Richard Dawson.

Oh, what a great crowd. I haven't seen this many people since you told the

of motorists you had enough gas to get to Pittsburgh.

It is a delight for me to be here to honor these gentlemen. I had the

of being on Laugh -In for two years.

The other thing that gave me pleasure was having a wisdom tooth taken out

through my ear.

First time that I met Dan, he sat me down in the corner in his house and

to me for three and a half hours about the art of duck hunting.

It was a very, very exciting evening.

Had all the excitement of an Al Martino farewell tour.

Dick I met in London.

Now, Dick is an old movie buff, and he was attending a Powell -Keeler film

festival. Adam Clayton Powell and Christine Keeler.

But I say this, I say this in all sincerity.

With the show laughing, the guys had a chance to help many, many fellow

performers, and they did this by not using them.

Although they did use John Wayne, and right after he was used.

He got his very first Oscar.

John would have been here tonight, boys, but he's attending a recital of

military marching music.

As Dean said, they did use Richard Nixon.

Richard Nixon, right after he appeared, became the president.

President Nixon would have been here tonight, but his secretary erased his

monologue.

And they did...

Honestly and truly use me.

And they use me.

And they use me.

In spite of that, I love them. They're dear, wonderful, talented people.

And if there's anyone here who believes that, I'd like to talk to them about

some swampland I'm trying to get rid of.

I love a wonderful man, a funny guy, Mr. Nipsey

Ruffalo.

or in Dan you see a talented man a versatile son of a gun they've mastered

the performing arts and they're out of work in every damn one

so we

ask ourselves of what elements does this amalgam

known as Rowan and Martin comprise well First of all, there is the erstwhile

playboy, Dick Martin, whom we'd all like to see get a hit because he really

needs one.

And then we have Dan Rowan, the scholarly one, the academically oriented

who maintains that words have the power to sway the passions of people.

He said to his partner, Dick, be forceful. He said it is easy to be

you're a success.

The trick is to be arrogant when you reflect.

We have coined many great phrases, many of our proverbs.

It was Dan Rowan who first said, he who turns the other cheek will be hit with

the other fist.

It was Dan Rowan who said, help a man when he is in trouble and that man will

remember you when he is in trouble again.

This season on this network.

In which they plan to inculcate some of their Shakespearean characters.

When they auditioned, Dan said, to be or not to be.

And the head of the network said, it can be, but it ain't gonna be here.

So as we remember Abbott and Costello, as Laurel and Hardy will never die.

Surely we can't forget Rowan and Martin, but, baby, we sure going to try.

We have somebody with us tonight who knows you both better

than anybody else in the world.

Your psychiatrist.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you all please welcome Dr.

Lawrence Stevens.

Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr. Owen, Mr. Martin, nice to see you. Mr. Martin, nice to see you. Nice to be

here. You probably don't remember me, do you, cutie?

Well, you know, I once worked on your head, too.

Yes, because I was a plumber at the time.

Yes, remember when we used to sit around and think, I ain't the plumber, I'm the

plumber's son, but I can stop your leak till the plumber don't come. Remember

that? I would

like

to say it's such a great pleasure for you to see me tonight.

So nice to be in this room with so many celebrated people.

Joey Bishop, Mr. Martin, Bob Cohen, the late Bob Newhart.

You know, people often ask me what Rowan and Martin are really like.

Well, in the language of Sigmund Freud, they're both psychoceramics.

In other words, they're...

Owen and Martin are not to be laughed at.

It's a lot like this bit I'm doing, I think, yeah.

However, Dick and Dan have a very interesting and very complex

relationship. You see, Dick looks on Dan as a mother figure.

If you saw Dan in a bathing suit, you'd know why, I'll tell you that.

Dick's fixation does not present any problems to him because luckily Dan

on Dick as a son.

Son of what? I can't quite tell you right now.

Dick's infantile fixation manifested itself very early in their relationship.

You see, when they were just starting out in this business and they were on

road hitchhiking, whenever Dan would stick out his thumb, Dick would suck it.

I just would like to say, you know, a lot of people think of Rowan and Martin

a split personality.

Whenever they walk into a home, people split, which is what I'm doing right

The star of the Bob Newhart Show, Mr. Bob Newhart.

As you know, Laugh -In was the number one film for six years on television.

What you may not know, that Laugh -In was a very tough sell.

I would like to recreate for you now a phone conversation between Dan Rowan and

the head of talent at NBC, Dave Tebbett, and it went something like this.

Well,

there is a phone.

How come I'm sober and you can see it?

You want to interrupt any time during this?

Mary?

Yeah, who's calling?

Rowan and Martin.

Are they the two I hired to wax the floors?

They say they're a comedy team.

Yeah, listen, Mary, can I duck them?

It's the tenth call in the last hour. Yeah, I'll take it, yeah.

Ella, who am I speaking to, please?

Dick Rowan?

Dan, Ron, what can I do for you, Mr. Ron?

You have an idea for a comedy series?

Yeah, I'd love to talk to you about it, but the name of the show is Ronan

Martin's Laugh -In.

Well, what happens on the show, Dan?

You start off with a girl saying, sock it to me.

And then she gets hit with a bucket of water and falls through a trap door.

That's very funny, Dan.

Al, you want to pick up before I got to poop?

Go ahead, Dan. I'm listening.

What happens next?

A guy in a Nazi uniform pokes his

head out from behind a palm.

And he says, what?

Very interesting.

You're getting this out?

You got more.

The best part is coming up.

I certainly hope so.

Then for the closer, the cast spends the last 20 minutes saying goodnight dick.

And that's it.

I have to admit, that's original, Dan.

By the way, who's Dick?

He's the guy in the background laughing.

Listen, Dan, I'm really glad you called, and we're going to think about this

idea.

Yeah, I'll get back to you.

Mary, in the future, will you handle the crank calls yourself?

You got another one on three.

Who is it this time?

Carol O 'Connor?

He has an idea about a lovable bigot.

You want to take care of it, Mary? I'm going out for lunch. All right, come on.

This is a very funny broad, Miss Gladys Orms.

Thank you, Gene.

If there's one thing about Dick Martin and Dan Rowan which impressed me, it's

that they respected me. They never treated me like just another pretty

they were always interested in how you felt. I can't tell you how many mornings

they felt me.

Dick was nice to me, too.

He's always helped me zip my dress up, sometimes even from the inside.

But the boys sometimes got me mixed up with Goldie Hawn. They used to call me

into their dressing room and say, Come in here.

Not true.

He's just high -strung. Put a straitjacket on him and you could take

anywhere.

One of the nicest things about being on Laugh -In is Rowan and Martin always

gave you their backing.

When you were out front, they were always backstage cheering you on. And to

day...

martinis on an empty stomach.

The credit for the success of Laugh -In has to go to the writers.

And we're very pleased to have with us tonight the man who was the head writer

on Laugh -In.

Would you all please welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.

Oh, um... As Richard Martin just told you, I was laughing's head

writer. And I got that title because that's where I did most of my writing.

In the head.

It truly was a great experience working for Dickie, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.

was a great experience working with Dick and Nick.

Dick and Dan.

Their philosophy of

comedy was that every show should have something for everybody.

Adults, children, morons, and degenerates.

People often wonder how we managed to maintain the high standard of material

Latvian.

Well, you see, there were 68 writers.

And every week we had a con.

We had a little con.

We had a little contest.

The funniest joke.

Got to spend the night with Ruth Buddy.

Of

course,

Dick and Dan have very creative minds themselves.

And Dan, in particular, especially Dan,

he wrote much of his own material,

lines like, Your aunt said what?

Oh, really?

But you know, there's one thing that used to make me mad.

That's when some critics used to say that Rowan and Martin were unimportant

laugh in.

Dick and Dan unimportant cocky -pocky.

they'd still be on the air.

He does it every time.

The Foster Brooks.

Well, now it's time to present our men of the week.

Two of the funniest guys I know, ladies and gentlemen, really from my heart, Mr.

Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.

Dean Martin helped get us our start on television. That's right. It's only

fitting that he should finish us off tonight.

Dick and I together and separately have been on the dais honoring other people,

and it's really unusual to sit on the left and try and laugh. Oh, dear.

When most of them really aren't that silly.

We'll try and deal with them one by one.

We have not seen Audrey Meadows in a long time. Generally run into her on an

trip somewhere or other. She is beautiful.

You remember her from the old Honeymooner show. That's right. You

people don't know she and Jackie really were married. Yes.

Art Carney came between them.

On many occasions, it's lovely. So nice to see this lovely lady here tonight.

And let's not overlook Joey Bishop.

No, I don't know why not. The whole country has been overlooked.

Dickie Dawson, who was always one of our particular favorites on the show, he

generally is funny.

Dickie Dawson is.

Very nice fellow. Good to have him here.

Never fails to call him.

One of the most inventive of all of the laughing people. Well, he's apparently

retired, too.

Richie Russell, we've known so long.

Right, golly. He sure does have a way with comedy. Yeah, he's been getting

with it for years.

Steve Lawrence comes out here with that funny accent. Wasn't that a funny

accent? These singers want to be... We'll promise not to sing if you promise

to do comedy.

And people were really surprised that Steve's that funny. You should have

to Edie.

You know, a few years ago, Bob Newhart was an obscure accountant. I bet you

didn't know that. I knew he was obscure.

Bob has the kind of TV show that can go on forever and ever. Yeah. And when you

watch it, it seems to. It seems.

You're fuzzy, of course. Now, what are you going to do to put the knock on this

kid? She is the Don Perignon of lady funny ladies.

She is the what? The Don Perignon. The Don Perignon.

I don't...

You know, when we started Laugh -In, we did the special and we did the series,

and there were only four people who began and who ended at the same time.

never missed one, and Ruth was one of the four.

Ruth, Gary Owens, and... And what's his name and me?

That was... And Ruthie is, I understand, working at Disneyland tonight, and I'm

glad you found re -employment.

And I'm not surprised, too.

Pass the books.

It's curious that they would pick Foster to be the head writer on laughing

because you do look a lot like Paul keys And you talk a lot like him late at

night A lot of people have

asked us where to laugh and start

And actually, Laugh -In started on the Dean Martin Show because this is the guy

that gave us the shot. That's right. We'll never forget it. We did the Dean

Martin Summer Show and got the chance to go on and do Laugh -In. That's right.

And we appreciate it very much. We had a ball tonight.