Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Siegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the

world's greatest entertainers are here tonight.

They're in Las Vegas in person as Dean Martin.

honors our man of the hour, Red Pot.

With tonight's guests,

Joe Garagiola, Steve Allen, Nate Vigoda,

Slappy White,

Jimmy Walker,

Isabel Sanford, Isaac Hayes, Norm Crosby, Rwanda

Payne.

George Kirby.

Nick T. Russell.

Milton Berle.

Marty Allen.

Orson Welles.

Don Rickles. And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight's man of the hour, Red Bot.

I'll gather at MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas for the first man of the year

roast of the new season.

Before I go any further, and it could be any

farther, makes no difference to me, I want to apologize to those of you who

expecting pheasant under glass. Well, we don't have that.

But we got something close. Tonight, we're roasting an old buzzard.

You know how every week on his show, Red looks up and yells, I'm coming to join

you, Elizabeth.

He's talking to Elizabeth Ray.

Red is really an American success story.

Though he was born in Harlem, New York, he picked himself out of the gutter.

Unfortunately, he left his mind there.

Born in poverty, he didn't get his first pair of shoes until he was 11.

He stole them off a wino.

And Red, I want them back.

Red never forgot the fact that he had to walk around barefoot. When he got his

first big check in show business, Red bought himself a hundred pair of shoes,

and he didn't forget his father.

He bought him a shoeshine kit.

Raising Red in a tough neighborhood like Harlem wasn't easy for Red's mother.

She was always working. In the daytime, she worked in a factory, and at night,

in a restaurant.

She had to keep working. She was putting Red through prison.

Red's a little nervous now that we have a southerner as president.

He's afraid he'll be asked to move to the back of the country.

Ah, but seriously, Red, I've never missed any of your shows. You're funny,

especially when you put on the dress and do Geraldine.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest guys in our show, the Slappy

Woo, look at him.

Father Dean, it's good to see so many brothers and sisters on the day today.

And that's one thing I can say about Dean Martin. He don't draw no color

And in his condition, he can't even draw a straight line.

But I know why there's so many of black brothers and sisters up here today. They

just found out there is life on Mars.

And they are black.

Houston reported they dug up a 10 ,000 -year -old Cadillac and two payments

due.

LaWanda Pace. Hello, LaWanda.

Red says she's so ugly she tried to get a facelift, had to turn out for a donor.

this old show, she gave a soldier a picture and he put it right over his

He said, if it stops a clock, it might stop a bullet.

Hey, Bogota, don't you ever smile, eh?

You look at a role, eh? Role, eh? Get indigestion.

Jimmy Walker sitting there, Jimmy Walker from the good times.

Is that your lips or are you wearing a turtleneck sweater?

I'd like to turn my thing to Joe Graduola. Hello, Joe. Mr.

Baseball. Do you know Joe Graduola, Mr.

Baseball?

During his baseball career, he was sold more times than a slave.

The roots of the Red Fox family are seriously quite unusual. His ancestors

not, despite what you might think, his ancestors were not captured in Africa by

a slave ship. They kept getting left behind.

It worked out okay. They were the first black family to land at Plymouth Rock.

and throw it through the window of the general store.

But they quickly adapted to the American way of life, and when the pilgrims were

out shooting turkeys for Thanksgiving, Fred's family was out shooting chitlins.

In the old South, it was Reginald Fox who actually said to Eli Whitney, I've

seen enough cotton, I think I'll invent gin.

And this man who sits here tonight, he may not look the part, but he really

comes from a long line of military heroes.

It was, well, you think I'm kidding.

It was an ancestor of Red's at the Battle of Waterloo who shouted the

words, don't fire until you see the whites.

Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite comedian and his, Mr. Milton Berlin.

I'm very,

very happy to be here tonight honoring this Oreo cookie.

Red Fox, ladies and gentlemen, is not your everyday run -of -the -mill dirty

man. Red Fox is not only a Negro, but he has been for many, many years.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I say, the blacks have it made.

They can walk home alone at three o 'clock in the morning.

What about the Jews?

What about the Jews?

Just remember, Sloppy, you need the Jews.

The blacks got the rhythm, but the Jews own the instrument.

But one thing you can say about Red, one thing you can say about Red, he does

take care of his health.

He does. He sits around the pool sunning himself, trying to get the bottom of

his feet to match the rest of them.

Look at the people that showed up for you this evening.

Orson Welles, one of the great actors of all times, who has done everything.

Well, you've done everything.

Thank God you've never been caught at it.

But there's something nice that I should talk about our guest of honor, and that

is Red Fox.

I know him a long time. He's very generous.

He gave his ex -wife everything he had.

But that's not much at his age.

How much time do I have left?

Just keep going until you get a laugh.

In 1951, I must tell you, he started an act with Slappy White and found out one

thing. All the slapping in the world will never make you white.

Those of you who watch Sanford and Son know LaWanna Page,

better known to you as Aunt Esther.

She's the only person on earth that Red Fox fears.

She's so mean and nasty, when she checked into the MGM Grand today, the

line checked out.

This is a lovely lady and a beautiful comedian, Miss Luana Payne.

What a thrill this is.

Me, standing here between Rummy and Jimmy.

And I heard about you, honky.

You just keep your chicken -picking hands to yourself.

Because I'm carrying a can of mace.

Put it on ice and I'll drink it.

Now take a good look at this man.

Devil. Written all over his face.

Just look at him.

Now what other old man has wrinkles that spell out obscene words?

He told me he was a church worker.

Can you imagine?

A church worker, honey. That's what he said.

Honey, if he ever worked in the church, it was finding new sins the preacher

never heard of.

I want you to know I'm not afraid, honey. Just because I'm on your show,

think I need you.

Honey, I need you like a rooster needs a marriage license.

He's been after me since I was a kid back in St. Louis.

Honey, he was there the night I won a beauty contest.

Remember that red?

They gave me a silver cup.

Yeah, they gave you a silver cup, all right. Keep your teeth in.

fish -eyed fool.

You ain't no judge of beauty.

You should have seen his first wife, honey. That woman was ugly.

How ugly was she?

Honey, she was so ugly, if her picture was on a stamp, nobody would lick her.

You're right, she was ugly, but...

That's the reason why I married an ugly girl.

You see, around that time, I tried to join the Elks, and they turned me down.

And I tried to join the Shriners, and they turned me down.

So I figured, just to get even, I'd marry a moose.

Honey, Red didn't tell a whole story.

Not only was his first wife ugly, she was cruel.

She buried three husbands, and two of them suckers was alive.

And when he broke up with her, he started chasing after me.

After we started going together, he got me a set of wheels.

He said if I cooperate, he'd go and steal the rest of the car.

you whistling over there, George Kirby.

You call me Aunt Jemima one more time and I'm going to whip your back.

I heard some of the things you said about me.

You making fun of me.

That girl you go with is so ugly that she's got pimples on her watch.

girl is a model for a perfume company she's a model for a perfume company all

right brute i heard what you said

milton girl you keep on talking that talking i'm gonna put that cigar where

can't smoke it

That's one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do in my life.

Whenever anybody finishes up here, it's customary to kiss the guest of honor.

I'd like to read you some telegrams. There's a people that couldn't make it

here.

Couldn't make it here.

And here's what we... Oh.

How do all these people get in my room?

Oh, this one's from...

child psychologist, Dr.

Spock here. Dear Red, would love for you and Freddie Prinze to co -star with me

on my television special.

I'm calling it Spick, Spock, and Spook.

Fred Kirby is a man who can talk to you in 250 different voices, which is two

more than a politician can.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. George Kirby.

I'm here to tell you people what a big man he is.

This skinny little runt with a fuzzy head who looks like a used Q -tip.

Now I'll give you an idea of what some of his very dear friends have said about

him, such as John Wayne.

Well?

I want you to listen, and listen good, Pilgrim.

You know how I feel about commie pinkos.

Well, I'll tell you straight.

This little bandy -legged little dude is the only hombre I know who's better red

than dead.

I recall a tribute.

The immortal Edgar Buchanan, once paid red.

Well, I had a friend.

I've watched Red Fox on Sanford and Son.

And, you know, really, I mean, I don't know why they make fun of the way I

I mean, Red shuffles like a man who just shoplifted a dozen eggs in his long

johns. And if he sat down, he'd leave an omelet.

Anybody who really respects him, Miss Pearl Bailey.

Hello, dummy.

Well, hello, dummy.

Don't get ugly with me, you understand me?

Because if that movie we did together don't get started pretty soon, honey,

Pearl Bailey is going to give you more than a roast.

You're going to end up a southern fried turkey, turkey.

Red, as a surprise to you, we've flown in your former maid, Señorita

Torres.

Thank you, dear.

I don't know if you remember me, but I once auditioned for you as a gold

Oh, sure, you were the little blonde I... Had it on the end there. No, I was

brunette you pinched in the end.

Oh, Señor Red was a very understanding employer, oh yes, because we both were

raised in a Spanish -speaking city, Harlem.

I did my job with Senor Fatsoudi and New York Times.

I picked it up. Yes, New York. I picked it up on my doorstep one morning and

he was sleeping under it.

He even corrected my accent.

Yes, I used to say it, si, senor, instead of, yes, boss.

He explained to me how to cook a southern Spanish style. Oh, yes, for

used to love chitling taco, refried grits, and chilico catfish.

At night I used to lay out his evening clothes, sometimes with him still in

them.

El señor was very proud of me. He treated me... yes, like his own

especially when the men from the welfare department came around.

Abe Vigoda has spent two years on the Barney Miller Show. He plays Detective

Philip K. Fish.

If his face was any longer, he wouldn't have to wear pants.

Ladies and gentlemen, Abe Vigoda.

Well, I've heard rumors about Red Fox's lifestyle.

And since I am a detective with some experience, they've asked me to shadow

Fox day and night.

During the day, well, it was no problem.

But at night, it was tough.

It's not easy shadowing a shadow.

Monday night.

Picked up subject at Swinging Orgy in Hollywood Hills.

1 a .m. Party is getting wilder. Women show up. Red drinks champagne from

Starlet's pantyhose.

Gets run in his throat.

2 .10 a .m. On his way home, the highway patrol stops Red and gives him a ticket

for zigzagging on the freeway without a car.

4 a .m. Wakes up with a start, looks around the bed, and realizes there's no

to start with.

Suddenly, he remembers why his wife isn't there.

He ran away with his best friend, George.

George wasn't his best friend until he ran away with his wife.

9 a .m.

Decides to have a car washed, but car wash isn't open, so he takes it to paint

shop and has it painted red, blue, orange, purple, yellow, green.

Explains reason.

In case he has accident, it will confuse the witnesses.

Heels lucky, so he drives down to Watts to play him poker game.

In the first hand, he has five aces, but is beaten by five kings.

In Watts, five kings is four kings and a razor.

This is the star of good times, Mr. Jimmy Dynamite Walker.

I'm so glad you finally got my name straight.

For a while, they kept calling me Johnny Walker Black.

If Brett had to get a kid today, it'd be just like his old man, born with a

silver spoon in his nose.

They say that Red has a dirty mouth.

On the contrary, his mouth is the cleanest part of his body.

He's been washed out with soap so many times.

Red likes to feel at home. That's how come he brings an entourage of 300

with him at all times.

It reminds him of his childhood when he lived in a one -room apartment.

And you know, Red over here is a very patriotic guy.

His name is Red, his hair is white, and his material is blue.

And George Kirby is an all -around entertainer. He sings, he dances, he

impressions. He's known in the business as the Black Sammy Davis Jr.

And Red started out doing clubs as a dancer.

Bet you didn't know Red was a dancer.

He didn't know either until the crowd started shooting at his feet.

Then there's Red's co -star.

Red insisted that he play opposite a person that had special qualities.

So they searched far and wide to get Demond Wilson.

It's hard to find a dull black man.

Orton Wells, besides being a producer, director, writer, is also one of the

gifted Shakespearean actors ever to grace the stage.

He has appeared in Hamlet, Macbeth, Othello, and soon he will appear in a

new play based on

the Carter -Ford presidential debates entitled Much Ado

About Nothing.

It's a rare pleasure indeed to do honors to the star of Sanford and Son, LaWanda

Page.

Is it, I wonder, widely known that Red Fox once aspired to the classics?

Seriously, I wonder if that's known. I used to run the old Lafayette Theater up

in Harlem. I really did, you know. And I directed classical plays with black

cats, and I'll never forget the day Red Fox turned up to audition for the title

role in Hamlet.

I still have the text, his text.

But yes, ladies and gentlemen, this Nubian nebbish has brightened up the

best material with some of the most fragrant idioms of the street.

Shakespeare in Red's hand had not been exactly mastered. No, Shakespeare had

been mugged.

And here it is, slightly edited for television.

To bleep.

Or not to bleep.

That is the bleeping question.

Whether it is nobler to suffer being shafted in the bleep, or to

sling back the outrageous bleep they're slinging you, and by opposing the

bleepers, bleep them all.

Here is Red Fox's number one fighting protege, Kid Honky.

Kid Honky.

I made all these bets on all my fights, and after I lost the last three, I asked

him for a contract, and he said, Don't worry, kid.

I already got one out on you.

It has me on a special diet.

Mustard greens, hog jaws, pig knuckles, and black -eyed peas.

It hasn't improved my boxing, but hell, I can dance ring around any one of the

pips.

That helps me train, and he has his own ideas. We drink, and we smoke, and we

play cards all night, and we run around with broads.

I ain't never won a fight, but who the hell cares?

Many years ago, Buddy Haggard and Phyllis Diller had a love affair, and

a love child.

I am that love child.

One thing I'll say about Red is he's never forgotten his poor

boy beginnings.

He has this lovely 20 -room house with a...

private gate and a swimming pool and he keeps the windows broken.

Did you see the furniture?

Authentic Louis the 14th. And it all came from Louis on 14th and Crenshaw.

But Red's house is laid out beautifully.

It has a nice flow.

All the rooms lead into a central massage parlor.

The wine he served was from his own private stock, Berry Ramps.

How often do you get a chance to drink industrial strength ripple?

Mr. Joe Garagio.

I got a biography right here in front of me, and I want to read some things

about Red Fox, okay? Yeah.

It says, Red Fox, the television star and nightclub comedian, is just the same

off the stage as he is on.

Red always has been known as a blue comedian.

But he has promised the network he would clean up his act.

He couldn't clean up that act with tidy bowls.

Did you ever hear of the picture of the dirty dozen?

Well, Red was seven of them.

Listen, because of his material, the government had to come up with the Clean

Air Act. Did you know that?

No. I just told you.

Red Fox has recorded 49 albums which have sold 10 million copies.

I think you got that wrong.

Why? He recorded 10 million albums and sold 49 copies.

I got a statistic for you. Yeah? Red Fox has been making audiences laugh for 22

years. That's not so hot. He's been a comedian for 45 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ripsy Muscle.

Since Red Fox came to NBC, they had to change the logo because so many black

people followed him here that the peacock was turning to a crow.

His good fortune, let us not forget that the man has gone through the trauma of

a terrible divorce.

The judge... The judge said to him, he says, Mr. Fox,

your wife said that you busted her lip, broke her nose, and swelled up her eye,

and you say you didn't touch her.

The judge said, well, judge, who are you going to believe, me or this punch

-drunk broad?

On the first day at Boulevard, a woman rushed up and grabbed and says, Mr. Fox,

you should be ashamed of yourself coming out of that massage parlor.

Red said, well, I've been in there all day, lady. I got to come out sometime.

This man's talents have never been exploited.

He is a highly versatile performer and has a great background.

He works in so many rough situations that the day on a movie set when the

director says, cut, Red reaches for his knife.

What is right and what is wrong?

I asked him. He said, Lola Falana is right.

Lawanda Page is wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, my great musical talent, Mr.

Isaac Hayes.

I want to admit I'm not a comedian, but what I'm going to lay on you people

tonight is the truth.

About ten years ago, Red Fox called me and asked me to go on a tour with him.

A personal appearance tour. He said I would see 25 cities in 25 days.

Well, I was back then when Red wasn't known, and I didn't see 25 people in 25

days.

Anyway, you started out on the bus the next day. Let's see. Now, that was Red.

It was me.

48 animals, I mean 48 girls and a 20 -piece band.

And man, Red packed more blacks under that roof than a white landlord.

Red was driving and naturally we got lost the first night.

Because when I woke up in the morning, the first thing I could see was this

of rednecks.

And when I say rednecks, man, I mean rednecks.

They were Indians.

I said, Red, do something, man. Do something.

Red.

We'll put on a show for them. They'll love it.

Let me tell you how the Indians loved it.

Before that show, I had the prettiest afro you ever seen.

We ran out of money. He'd pull the bus into some little town and yell out his

winner at the mayor. Hey, which way is the ghetto?

The mayor would say, we don't have a ghetto.

Red points to all the blacks on the bus.

Well, you got one now.

Ladies and

gentlemen, the master of malice, Mr. Don Rickles.

Hey, this is an exciting night, really.

To see all these wonderful stars, LaWanda Page is here.

LaWanda Page, a former girl that used to hang around downtown L .A. going,

Officer.

Case comes up Tuesday.

You attacked a dead snail.

Where are you sitting, LaWanda?

Oh, there you are.

When you get a group of you together, you never can tell who's who.

I want to thank Marty Allen, who just came out from safari.

Oh, Marty Allen, the one with the spear and the safari haircut.

Good luck to you.

Loan it to the black guys in case they have a luau.

Slappy, good luck to you, really. And keep running in front of Red's car,

checking for grenades.

That was a good one. Dean just looked up and said, my underwear is on fire.

Dean puts cigarettes out in his underwear and thinks it's an ashtray,

luck.

I'd like to say that also, he's here tonight, Mr. Television.

One of the great stars, Milton Berle, who's been my idol, but I was in a state

institution for many, many years.

We also have a great... great man with us tonight, Joe Garagiola.

You never can recognize him with that funny head and the catcher's mask on his

face.

One of the great catchers of all time, Joe Garagiola.

A foul ball came back and he said, Ow!

You see, ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, he's black.

The reason you can...

I've seen a lot of black guys, Nipsey, but you're overdoing it.

Who cares about Nipsey? And here tonight is Isaac Hayes. I like you, Isaac,

really. I have nothing against you. I don't listen to your music.

I'm too busy at home listening to Yasha Haifetz and all the Jewish stars get

together trying to figure out what you do.

Ava Vigoda, one of the great detectives in Barney Miller.

Good to see you, Abe. I spoke to the cemetery.

They ran short of dirt, so they'll bury you Tuesday.

I sure do want to thank George Kirby.

George? So good he got heavy again.

George looks like a black beach ball.

I've always liked George.

Does Billy Eckstein, Pearl Bailey, Louis Armstrong, Joe Louis, all the biggies.

Did a white guy once and bombed.

Uh, Isabel Sanford. Oh, what a night to have her on the dais. My goodness.

Isabel, good to see you. When you get a minute, rinse the cups.

Steve Allen.

Great talk show host. Steve. Over here, Steve. His glasses are so thick that

during the war with Japan, he was one of them.

Great author and married to Jane Meadows. Sorry.

No, Jane Meadows is a lovely lady.

I saw her out in the hall going, want an apple, sailor?

Good luck to you. I think you make a delightful couple. Stay with her. She'll

in the home by Friday.

Liz Torres, a Spanish lady, and you'll see her very, very shortly in her new

movie called Kiss My Muchachos.

Jimmy Walker's here.

Dynamite!

He's a fantastic guy. He's in a show called Good Times, which I never watch.

Oh, I do. Once in a while, I use it for a nightlight when the wife and I want to

play charades.

I've always loved you, Dean. You're such a warm, wonderful guy. We've spent so

many hours together watching you go into a coma.

Really, Dean, you're a fun guy. I spoke to Frank Sinatra Thursday, and you will

be found in a garage Wednesday.

And so, last but not least, one of the great guys. You know, we make jokes

this man, Red Fox.

The world does, and he's being honored tonight, and he deserves to be honored.

For so many years, Red and I go back to the Slate Brothers in California, and

then when he had his own club, which failed.

And then he had his own nightclub, which failed.

And then he did a couple other things, which failed.

To be honest, I don't know why I'm here. Red's a failure.

And today, you won the Major Bowls Amateur Hour, and now you're with DeMond

Wilson as punishment.

We're going to go to ABC, a great network that one time was doing... I was

ABC many, many years ago myself, and we failed because we had other shows

opposite us.

Fred, sometimes you're bald, sometimes your hair is red. No matter how it comes

out, you're a beautiful human being. I wish you luck. I wish you good things in

life. You deserve them. Thank you for letting me be part of your show. You're

delightful man.

There he is. You've been waiting for him. Mr. Red Fox.

Again, I'd like to just tell you a story so I know I'll get one up front.

There's a story about integration, more or less. There was a bus driver, and he

had a bus full of kids.

They were all in the bus arguing about black and white, what was right and what

was wrong, who was right and who was wrong.

And the bus driver just got fed up with all the conversation about black and

white, so he stopped the bus and told all the kids to get off. And he walked

outside with them. He said, look, I'm tired of all this bickering about race

who's right and who's wrong, who's rich and who's poor, who lives in the ghetto,

who lives in mansions.

He said, from now on, if you're going to ride this bus, everybody's green.

You got it?

Everyone's green.

He said, now get on the bus. Dark greens in the back, light greens in the front.

You guys sure worked me over tonight.

I've heard Dean Martin say nicer things about milk.

Dean Martin made a special trip to be here tonight.

He left the floor.

And it's nice to see my friend Steve Allen here.

Steve has done as much for comedy as Elizabeth Ray has done for typing.

I'm glad Slappy White showed.

Slappy thinks he's in big time tonight.

Let me tell you something, Slappy.

Being on a Dean Martin rose is as important as being a beauty mark on the

page.

And Joe Garage.

You are a credit to the game of baseball.

Even though Joe is in television now, his first love is still baseball.

I know because at 3 o 'clock this morning, I saw him at a bar with a

bats.

You look good tonight. I mean, I didn't know Fruit of the Loom made tuxedos.

I just heard they published your book of poems.

Makes me glad I can't read.

I'm glad that Milton Berle is here.

It's a shame he isn't on TV every week.

Crabbe was going to give him a show of his own, but he aged before the cheese

did.

But a nice thing did happen to Milton last week.

They made him honorary pin boy on Celebrity Bowling.

And there's my old buddy, Marty Allen.

I've seen afros before, but your hair looks like a pregnant haystack.

And there's brother George Kirby.

Really good buddy.

George is a big favorite on television talk shows.

That's because he can't make it on the joke shows.

George is appearing at Las Vegas at the International.

The International House of Pancakes.

I'm honored to have Mr. Orson Welles here, though, and I mean that with great

respect. I respect him because he always is reading books.

The only book I ever read was one by Dr. David Rubin.

everything you always wanted to know about sex.

But he left out the most important part, where to get it.

And I want to thank my maid, Ms. Torres, for being here.

I understand she's Puerto Rican.

I once had a Puerto Rican working for me who was my valet. He was very good at

removing spots from my pants.

Fire spots, tan spots.

about Puerto Ricans. I always thought Puerto Ricans were Mexicans with a job.

We don't usually get stars of your caliber on these roads.

I mean, but tonight we had to lower our standards.

And Don Rickles. I mean, he's mean. I mean, he's real mean.

Whenever he gets out to Disneyland, his favorite ride is the Tunnel of Hate.

I was at the dentist this morning. He was getting his fangs kept.

I've got to excuse my friend, though, Isaac Hayes, for how he did tonight.

You see, before Isaac got in the show business, he used to be a Roto -Rooter

man.

And he just can't shake the habit of going down the drain.

And of course, there's Aunt Esther, Miss LaWanda Page.

3 ,000 manholes in this town and she had to drop in here.

First time I met LaWanda was at a party and she came topless.

Her upper plate fell out.

You work me over, now I got some things to say about you.

Get a load of that face.

Look like a wedding cake that was left out in the rain.

She checked in the motel last night. They gave her a room with an ugly rest

mattress.

Oh, before I forget, I just want to say I'm inviting everyone here on this on

this to dinner.

Everyone except you, Lawanda.

Have some ribs fill up to your room.

Don't be attached to Nipsey Russell.