Original subtitles

A Man of the Week!

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour presents a special one -hour

roast with tonight's guests.

Tom DeLuise.

Bob Newhart.

Joey Bishop.

Jack Demme.

Dionne Rollins.

George Burns.

Fred Fox.

Senator Darryl Goldwater.

Jonathan Winters, Rich Little, Luke Buzzi, Betty Davis,

Scott Severinsen, Foster Brooks, George Goldberg,

Martin Milne, Cliff Robertson, Kent McCord,

Truman Capotes, your Roastmasters, Dean Martin, and tonight's very special man

of the week, Johnny Parson.

Johnny Carson is a comedian who is seen every night in millions of bedrooms all

over America.

And that's why his last wife left him.

She found out he gave a better performance in those bedrooms than he

own.

Johnny's certainly come a long way in this business.

He was born and raised on a farm outside of Norfolk, Nebraska.

I know he's a real farm boy because last night I saw him at the bar with a

couple of pigs.

However, Johnny was the pride of the Carson family. Only once did he get into

trouble. They caught him stealing Yule Gibbons' hickory nuts and selling them

the squirrels.

After appearing in some amateur shows, he moved to Hollywood. I go right along,

you know that?

And he got started in television as the host of a game show called Earn Your

Vacation. And it did. It earned him a vacation for about five years.

He was so desperate, he played nightclubs doing his ventriloquist act.

One night, someone stole his dummy, so he got a new one, Ed McMahon.

Ed McMahon would have been here tonight, but he's doing a commercial for

Budweiser.

Driving a team of Clydesdales. I don't know why they need it.

You'd think six fat horses would be enough.

A lot's going to be said about Johnny tonight, but I just want to say one

He never met a wife he didn't like.

Nice to have George Burns with us. George, really, you look so young. But

then... Sitting next to Jack Benny, anybody would look young.

Nobody in our business knows how old George is, and I don't think they care.

All I know... See, that wasn't on the cue card. I read that last... All I know

is that he was the first man to ever molest a girl in a Stanley Steamer.

A great comedian, Mr. George Burns.

Dean, I want to thank you for that darling introduction.

It was short, but it was darling.

To show my appreciation, anytime you want to go out with my sister Goldie,

be glad to fix it for you.

If you like older women, Goldie invented it.

The nice thing about going out with Goldie, Dean, is that you can't hurt

yourself.

Well, Johnny, this is your evening.

I want to tell you that I watch your show practically every night.

11 .30, I turn on the set, lie in bed with my clothes off, and we're very,

funny.

The other night, I came in kind of late, and I watched you with my clothes on.

Somehow, you're funnier with my clothes on.

think of it, I'm funny with my clothes on.

But you know, it's not easy to be a guest of honor.

You gotta sit here and be able to take it.

Gotta listen to all these insults and the terrible things they say about you

the intimate things they say about you that you really resent.

But Johnny is a perfect guest of honor.

She sits here and he laughs.

The more you insult him, the harder he laughs.

And if you get a real big laugh from Johnny, I mean a big one, that means

never do a show again.

And you know, now take Jack Benny. You'd think that he'd be a great guest of

honor. But he's not.

It's very hard to make him laugh.

And he's seen me with my clothes off.

That's my funniest bit.

But Johnny is a perfect guest of honor because he looks so good.

He's always well -dressed.

Looks charming. He looks wonderful sitting here at the table. He's very

under the table, too.

Well, Johnny has made me a fortune not only in show business. He's now in the

clothing business.

Owns the company.

The cell's very hard, too.

Every time I meet him, he opens up his coat. He says, feel my lining.

In my age, feeling red silk is very exciting.

I wouldn't have a coat with red silk lining.

Feeling red silk against my body, I'd be afraid to dance with my sister Goldie.

I have to say a few words tonight, and when I get home tonight, I'll certainly

watch the show and keep it clean.

I hate jumping up every minute to put my clothes on.

Thank you, John.

Next, we have a brilliant writer and a close friend of Johnny's, Mr. Truman

Capote. You all remember Truman's big hit book, In Cold Blood.

That's the story of Johnny's second divorce settlement.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Martin. I'm very pleased to be here tonight.

I've appeared on Johnny's show 28 times. That's three times more than he has.

The Tonight Show is the most successful talk show in history, so they say.

But what is a talk show?

It's very difficult to define.

A talk show is a show that crams 30 minutes of entertainment into 90.

A talk show is a show that allows a family of 10 to go to the bathroom

a commercial break and not miss a thing.

I'm glad Doc Severson could make it tonight.

No, that's my card.

I am glad Doc Severson could make it tonight.

This is him and the weirdo with a horn, Doc Severson.

Thank you very much, Dino, and thank you very much, Truman.

I'm glad you could make it tonight.

I'm here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to salute a great man.

Johnny Carson is the kindest, warmest, most wonderful human being that I've

known.

And as if that wasn't enough, he's probably the greatest comedy genius

Charlie Chaplin.

Oh, hell, Johnny, I can't read this stuff you wrote for me.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joey Bishop.

the two of us on the same show.

Dean, you're a phenomenon.

You look like Cary Grant and you smell like Ed McMahon.

The shows we have to

do just to help you pay alimony.

And for this, I'm very grateful.

All of you must have wondered at one time or another, why? Are we close

I have something on him.

You've heard of the Watergate cover -up? I would now like to reveal the Johnny

Carson cover -up. Now, John, you may be offended by this, but I think truth will

out.

Johnny Carson is Jewish.

Why he pretends not to be, why he's ashamed of it is something I'll never

Nathan.

Well, that's his real name, Nathan Margolis.

The next time you're watching the Johnny Carson show, you know he reads the cue

cards, right? Look closely. You'll see him reading them from right to left.

Then you see him advertising the Johnny Carson suits, which happens to be the

real family business.

The whole family of tailors, lovely folks. Don't be ashamed, John. It's your

own. up to what the hell.

Tell them your father and Sam and Ruth Margolis, his mother and father.

And it was his ancestor, Chaim Margolis, who made George Washington's uniform.

The matter of fact, an hour before the show, and I thank you very much, Johnny

took these pants in for me.

We have many, many more guests. John, don't be embarrassed

now.

You're a success.

You don't have to be embarrassed anymore.

Now, my advice to you is, I know how tired a crowd like this gets.

The minute I sit down, you get up, sing one chorus of Havin' to Give, and let's

get the hell out of here.

all these terrible things about Johnny.

He came to my assistance one night during a very sordid incident in Central

Park. I was struggling in the bushes with this big, burly man with burning

eyes and hot breath when luckily Johnny happened along and came to my assistance

and held the man down while I kissed him.

Now, John, your personal psychiatrist, Dr.

Kevin Bradshaw.

Thank you, Mr. Martin. I almost didn't make it here tonight. I had an emergency

call to examine Ed McMahon's head.

Oh, better.

You know, Johnny Carson has the image of being a swinger.

That is true.

We all feel that about him. But in reality, he's not that at all.

I remember the first time he came to my office and I said to him,

Johnny, I would like you to lie down on the couch.

And he said that he wouldn't do it unless I married him first.

I tried a word association test and I told him to say the first thing that

into his mind.

And I said, three.

He said, sex.

I said, turpentine.

He said, sex.

I said, pretzel.

He said, sex.

I said, girl.

He said, chair.

I said, chair.

He said, I gotta rest sometime.

Realizing that I could do no more for him, I simply said, that'll be $20. He

said, sex.

I'm glad Bob Newhart found time to drop in because he's so busy with his own

TV show. Incidentally, Bob, I saw your show last Saturday, but under very bad

conditions. My set was turned on.

And my very witty friend, Mr. Bob Newhart.

I hope I don't repeat anything someone else has said about Johnny, but I fell

asleep.

But continuing our trip down memory lane, Johnny, as you all know, Johnny

are good friends. He gave me one piece of advice outside of Sneaky Pete on

Sunset Boulevard.

About 4 o 'clock in the morning, Johnny turned to me and said,

made into a saying that I can put on my bedroom wall.

See, now, I decided not to go to their stuff, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

That's the biggest one on that page, yeah.

Some of you may not know this. Johnny's first wife was named Joan.

Second wife was Joanne. His present wife is Joanna.

Uh, the man, the man just won't go for new towels.

Ladies and gentlemen, Louisa Murray.

As you know, I've appeared on The Tonight Show many times.

And it's always been a wonderful experience.

Everybody connected with the show has been so kind to me, like Ed McMahon.

If it wasn't for Ed, I never would have been on The Tonight Show.

He was the one who set up the audition for me at 2 a .m. in Johnny's apartment.

he offered to give me a free examination.

And of course, Johnny himself, he's always so complimentary.

I remember the very first time he saw me, he said, what a peach.

Or was it a pear?

Gentlemen, that I'm sure you'll recognize, the producer of the Tonight

Freddy DeCordova.

Freddy's a man you've known for many years, and you treat him just like your

father. You ignore him.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Freddy DeCordova.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you very much. Johnny, I'm Fred DeCordova.

The producer, you know.

It's good to see Joey Bishop on the day of tonight.

We are very, very close.

Joey calls me every morning and says, Hi, Fred, is Johnny sick today?

I

must

say this about Johnny, though. He never forgets a friend.

But then he's only got to.

His lawyer and Ed McMahon.

Right

now,

Johnny, I feel like Ralph Edwards because the next man I'm going to

somebody out of your past.

Remember when you were a kid in public school?

back in Norfolk, Nebraska.

Well, here's one of your old classmates, Mr. Willis Mumford.

What's the reason? I just feel like a fool in these coveralls.

Arnold Stebler drove me around in a semi -truck for the past 15 hours, and he

said we were supposed to meet down at the barn, and it was a surprise for you

there.

I just want to tell you this. The guys...

The guys feel different about you.

If you was to come home now, they'd just beat the life out of you.

So don't come back to Norfolk right away.

I remember, you know, I guess you do too.

At the high school, you know, Johnny was, he started out, he was in all kinds

things. He was in everything.

He, one thing he wanted to be more than anything, he used to tell me, I was

one of his best buddies at the time, and him and me would go out into an open

field, and we'd just look up and talk to one another and everything, and he

says, you know what, I'd rather be more than anything in the world is a

magician.

And so he started magic, and he'd give himself a name, the Great Carsoni.

And he thought on that real hard.

And so he'd take a little, we didn't have no

bunnies, and so he took a squirrel and dyed it white.

And pulled it out, you know, and the people go, that's a white squirrel.

The fact that you've been able to make two wives disappear.

You take care of yourself.

Everyone knows

Mrs. Miller.

She's the lady who's been in the audience for every one of...

Jack Parr's TV shows. Well, Johnny has a similar fan, and he's never missed a

Tonight Show in 11 years. Would you all please welcome Mr.

Foster Brooks.

Hiya, Johnny.

I thought they were there for a while.

They weren't going to get to me.

I'm not saying it's been a long evening.

When I sat down at the dance, I didn't need a shave.

more smashed than usual tonight.

Yes, friends, I can remember being in the audience for the very first

tonight's show.

I was rolled.

I was rolled.

Some yo -yo tied my shoestrings together.

And I might say I've been there ever since.

I was there the night he told Billy Graham he

loved his crackers.

And the night he introduced Ed McMahon's wife as Ed McMoman.

Oh, oh.

And I was there the night when he asked Marcello Mastroianni

if innuendo was the Italian name for

Preparation H.

Willie Shoemaker, the jock, the jockey.

I was the night that Willie Shoemaker, the jockey, was there and told Johnny he

weighed only 92 pounds soaking wet.

He told him that's what he gets for standing under his horse.

Our next guest is the lovely Miss Dionne Warwick. She's doing real well.

She's got a plantation down south where she raises colored cotton and has white

folks pick it.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great singer, Miss Dionne Warwick.

Thank you, Dean.

You know, I've been on The Tonight Show many, many times.

And I'll always remember the first time because after the show, Johnny took me

out to dinner.

Now you'd think dinner with Johnny Carson would be witty, fun -filled,

glamorous.

Wrong.

Dull city.

All he kept saying to me all night long was, I'm funnier than Cabot, aren't I?

I finally got fed up and I asked him to take me home. On the way, we drove up

Mulholland Drive.

We parked. Johnny turned to me.

Then Ed McMahon stuck his head in the car window and yelled, Hi -oh!

I got bored and walked home.

But I can honestly tell you, Johnny, that evening was just as thrilling as

Ladies and gentlemen, the multi -talented Rook Twiddle.

Oh, that's very nice to see, even if you can't see me.

Oh!

Joey, you were great as usual.

And Jack, what can I say?

George, you hold the cigar in the wrong hand.

And Truman, now I know...

No, shut

up.

Now I know why you're a writer.

You know...

As an impersonator, I get to study a lot of people.

And Johnny Carson is the hardest voice I ever went after.

And I'll tell you why.

The man is definitely not well.

He has 22 nervous inflictions.

22 of the wildest mannerisms I've ever come across.

Now here is a list of...

Johnny's manners.

Stiff back, fixing tie knot, looking around, hands out to side, hands behind

back, hands in pocket, right hand in back of left, right hand hitting palm of

left. Cut off sign, finger under eye, finger under nose, finger full.

Finger in air, fixed cuffs, head snap with small groan, blinking,

Indian yell, pencil banging on ashtray, rubbing eyes with one hand, Steve

Allen's laugh, golf swing, and Jack Benny's number two look.

Now, I don't know what all these mannerisms mean. I mean, maybe to a

can't hear, they take on a whole other meaning.

But I do know that the number that he does...

depends on the laugh.

Now, I'll show you what I mean.

Over the past ten years, here's what many consider to be Johnny's three best

jokes. Now, watch the mannerisms if the joke doesn't work.

You love me tonight, but will you respect me in the morning?

Hey, how about this weather we're having out here in California? Isn't it wild?

Isn't it wild?

Isn't it something?

It was so windy.

It was so windy.

Now, don't rush the bit here.

It was so windy in California today.

Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this biggie? It was so

windy. It was so windy while Doc was helping Tommy Newsome chase his

kite. He lost all the feathers off his raincoat.

May the sewers of Rangoon back up into your breakfast.

We've got another three hours coming your way, folks, so stay with us, and

be right back.

Friends and admirers couldn't be here tonight, so they sent some wires, and

like to read them to you.

The first one says, Dear Johnny, sorry to hear you're having so much trouble

with your golf game.

Everyone keeps telling me that Carson will never come close to par.

Arnold Palmer.

Close to par. Arnold Palmer.

Dear Johnny!

You're always on the lookout for new talent. In fact, you're the one

for making many of us what we are today sign the unwed mothers of America.

Tonight, we are honored to have with us Senator Barry Goldwater.

Recently, Barry has worked very hard for prison reform.

That's because a lot of his Republican friends are going to be there.

the distinguished candidate from the state of Arizona, Senator Barry

Do you know anybody?

No.

Thank you, Dean.

These days when anyone joins an organization, they're usually asked to

sort of an oath or a pledge.

Now, the notable exception to this is Dean Martin, who has frequently tried

joining Alcoholics Anonymous, but has never been sober long enough to remember

the pledge.

Recently, though, I was honored by being offered the opportunity of substituting

for Johnny Carson during one of his many vacations.

I'll say it was an honor which comes to every American sooner or later. It's a

lot.

It's a lot like jury duty.

But before I accepted Johnny's producer and for me, I would have to be sworn in.

According to form 7083644, which is your basic

Tonight Show loyalty oath.

And I'd like to recite it to you now, if I can remember it all.

I will obey all studio fire laws and will refrain from using lit matches

highly inflammable objects such as Jaja Gabor's feather boas, Alex Gassel's

toupee, or Ed McMahon's breath.

Unfortunately, Johnny, I never took this oath because before administering it,

your producer asked me the trick question.

Are you now a member of an organized political party?

And I had to confess that I wasn't. I'm a Republican.

Now is the brilliant actress and two -time Academy Award winner, Miss Betty

Davis.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

I can't tell you how much I enjoy The Tonight Show.

I especially love it on those rare occasions when you fill in for Joey

You know, Johnny, you provided the inspiration for the title of one of my

One night in New York, I had a hotel room right next to yours.

It was two in the morning, and the walls were very thin.

And I heard you tenderly answer to whomever it was you were with, hush,

sweet harlot.

Oh, Johnny, if I was 30 years younger, you'd still be too skinny for me.

We've been playing cops on television for the past six years, and it seems to

we should be able to do a little detective work and figure out by the

elimination which one of these people is Johnny Carson.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

How about the one in the beige dress?

No,

I don't think Johnny Carson has a bosom.

How about the... How about the black chick?

Oh, come on, Marty. Don't you know Mom's naively when you see her?

That guy looks familiar.

Isn't he the one that makes up everything as he goes along?

That's President Nixon?

I think he's a security guard.

Now, wait a minute. I've seen that guy before.

He's the world's greatest impressionist. Oh, so that's Frank Gorshin.

It's between two guys.

It's either the wino or the weirdo.

Well, you know, Marty, as Clark Gable said, I'm gone with the wind.

Frankly, I don't give a damn.

I must

say

this before I go any further. Johnny is partly responsible for me having my own

show because...

In a sense, he taught me how to act. Because when I'd come on his show, I had

act like I'd been to his house for dinner.

What gets me is how they have a big show like Johnny Carson's and only spend $37

on the set.

Two crummy sofas.

Looks like the back of a Greyhound bus.

And believe me, I'm an expert on the back of buses.

And did you ever see the way the dudes dressed on that show?

Ed McMahon looks like the funny papers after kids read it.

Doc Severinsen looked like a fire sale on a push cart.

And Johnny dressed just like a pimp on Sesame Street.

I don't know why you're laughing, Dean.

Here's the guy who passes himself off as a great dresser. His tuxedo's so shiny,

if he tats it, you're going to have seven years' bad luck.

But Johnny's operating under a handicap tonight.

He's here without his token Irishman, Ed McMahon.

That's Johnny's sidekick.

Every time he gets a laugh, Johnny kicks him in the side.

I know Johnny NBC practices discrimination.

They only gave me a half hour to make a fool out of myself.

They gave you a whole week.

I knew white guys couldn't write for spooks.

The night is young.

Jack Benny isn't.

But he's really amazing.

He pays no attention to birthdays. He just keeps going.

Kraft was going to give him a show of his own, but he aged before the cheese

did.

Ladies and gentlemen, the satchel page of the world of comedy, Richard Jack

Benny!

June, I'd like you to know that I canceled a proctologist's appointment

to be here tonight.

And I think I made a mistake.

There's a half a minute that's going to be cut already.

Ladies and gentlemen, I must say it does seem strange to be on this dais

honoring Johnny Carson because only a few short years ago,

I was his idol.

And now he's my idol.

And for some reason or other, it was more fun the other way.

Now, personally, I find it difficult to say anything derogatory about Johnny.

But I also find it difficult to say anything nice about him.

If I were to make one cogent comment about Johnny, it would concern the

he made to me lately about his show.

Johnny said to me, you know, Jack, millions of people lie in bed.

every night, and watch me.

And after I've entertained them for 90 minutes, they turn off the TV, and I'm

the last face they see that night.

Now, brother, how conceited can you get?

I do wish, though, you would do one thing.

After the show tonight, wash that gray out of your hair. You're not fooling

anybody.

Darling, we've got a big surprise for you tonight.

Backstage is the woman with whom you share your bed every night.

But before we bring her out, we thought we'd bring out your wife.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and gracious Mrs.

Johnny Patterson.

Oh, thank you very much, Dean and Johnny. I'm your most recent wife, just

case.

Johnny can be charming, and Johnny's tender.

He's kind, he's thoughtful, and he's an extremely considerate man.

And somehow I know that if I hang in there, he will be.

And now it's time to hear from our man of the week.

Ladies and gentlemen.

This has been quite an evening. It really has. And, Dean, I thank you. You

great job as master of ceremonies.

Those remedial reading classes really come along, don't they?

Dean, as you know, this year changed the name of his show to the Dean Martin

Comedy Hour, which is similar to such a change as the Forest Lawn Happy Burial

Ground.

I'm doing Rich Little.

I hope I don't get you at home doing another one of my mannerisms, which is a

little weird.

I really am flattered that Senator Barry Goldwater could be here tonight. He was

the only Republican who was out on bail.

But the Senator may have to leave early tonight because he may be president at

any moment. He's next in line right after Sammy Davis Jr.

But I thank you, Senator, for being here.

You were even funnier tonight than you were when you ran against Johnson.

Now, Bob Newhart is a very good friend of mine.

And whenever I'm stuck with a bunch of dull guests on The Tonight Show, I can

always count on Bob Newhart to run right over and blend in.

What a thrill it was to see Martin Milner here tonight.

Martin's 50 years old, still playing juveniles.

You can't tell where his freckles leaf off and his liver sparks.

Right.

What else?

All of those.

And, of course, I love your routine with Kent McCord. You fellas have all the

comedy timing of the Cuban invasion.

I think it was very nice of my ex -producer, Freddy DeCordova, to be here

tonight.

It's always wonderful to know that my career is in the hands of a man who

directed such classics as Bedtime for Bonzo and Bonzo Goes to College.

You should never trust a producer who has a tire hanging from a rope in his

office.

Don DeLuise.

Cute.

Dimples.

Terrific smile.

cheerful personality, and if ever I have a daughter, I hope she grows up to be

just like you all.

Now, it's apropos that Red is here tonight because his ancestors originated

idea of roasting people.

And

what

would a day as be without Jack Benny and George Burns?

Awake, that's what.

Jack wasn't himself tonight, I can tell, because he didn't laugh when George

said good evening as he came in earlier.

But it's great to have, really, these two great show business veterans.

Veterans in show business parlance is a kindly euphemism for meaning they should

be in a home.

Not saying that Jack and George are out of touch, but they both think that

uppers are dentures.

will remember this evening probably as long as it takes me to get to my car.