Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Ziegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person,

joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour.

Joe Namath.

With tonight's guests, Lee Merriweather, Angie Dickinson,

Milton Berle, Red Button, David Doyle, Tom

Bosley, Bernie Capel, Rich Little, George Glanda,

Dick Butkus, Mel Tillis,

Norm Crosby, Jackie Gayle, Bruce Jenner, Jimmy Walker,

Orson Welles, Joey Bishop, and your Roastmaster, Dean

Martin, with tonight's man of the hour, Joe Namath.

Some of Joe's friends couldn't be here.

Dolly Parton was invited, but at the last minute, she fell out.

Joe, I think we had a little too much to drink last night. At three in the

morning, he was out in the casino dancing with a slot machine, and I was

to cut in.

Besides being a great quarterback, Joe was also a great swinger.

He's the only guy I know who had an electric scoreboard over his bed.

One week, 30 different girls penalized him for piling on.

And he was so ashamed of his past that he used to call timeout to wipe his

fingerprints off the football.

Now that Joe's out of football, He's making a career out of show business,

don't let nothing worry you. Remember the famous words of Toulouse -Lautrec,

once said, Down in front!

When it comes to popular country singers, Maltese is always

on top of the charts.

Ladies and gentlemen, please meet... A good old boy and one of my best friends,

Mr. Mel Tillis. Thank

you,

Dean.

You know, I was a little bit nervous about doing too much.

You are a really good friend for not giving away my secret.

You see, I stutter.

And stuttering ain't no problem unless you're talking.

In my case, it sometimes messes up my fun.

For instance, tonight, the bartender here at the hotel, asked me if he could

me a drink.

And by the time I could say okay, the bar was closed.

Anyway, I'm happy to be here tonight honoring Joe Namath tonight.

Because we both have something in common.

I stumble over my words and Joe stumbles over his feet.

Well, Joe, before I go any further, I'd like to say that down in my neck of the

woods, I used to watch you, I used to watch you, I used to watch you, I used

watch you play football on TV.

But I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't.

see you too well because our television that only had a three inch screen

and it ran on kerosene had

an outside and when they marry the

mama she used to uh to drive that is long johns on it

but i found that we've got a better reception if you if you I dropped the

flap.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's a real honor for me to introduce our next guest, the

winner of the gold medal of the 1976 Olympics, a good friend, what

a man, boy, Mr.

Bruce Jensen.

Thank you very much, Dean. You know, I am just really pleased to be here, but

I'm really sort of surprised because actually Joe Namath and myself really

nothing in common.

I'll give you an example.

I trained for 12 years for the Olympic Games, and it was a career that lasted

less than a week.

Joe trained less than a week for a career that lasted 12 years.

The decathlon was so difficult that when I finished, I collapsed in the arms of

my friends. I do that every night.

You know, one of Joe's secrets of success was his nickname.

You know, DiMaggio had Jolton Joe.

Musial was Stan the Man.

And Namath was Broadway Joe.

I don't have a nickname.

But how do you think it would sound?

Broadway Bruce?

In fact, when I think about Joe's lifestyle, it sort of reminds me of a

poem by Grantland Rice.

When the last great scorer comes to write against your name, it won't be

you win or lose, but how you play the game.

Joe, for you, it would probably go something like this.

When the last great scorer comes to write against your name, you'll get the

award for putting more points on the board with every kind of dame.

What a night! What a night!

Look at this. Look at me standing between these two beautiful bodies.

All heart, no liver.

This is really amazing.

He sells shaving lotion and he drinks it.

Tonight, to honor this Hungarian humbadink, the sex symbol of the walking

wounded, let me say to yourself, how could this athletic

Adonis wind up with such a round back?

I'll tell you how.

He got that way hooking his shoulder pads onto his fly.

drank so much Gatorade, they caught him one night shacked up in a motel with a

crocodile.

Joe Amos comes from a very poor family. When Joe got his first $400 ,000 bonus,

he didn't know what to do for his dear father, who worked down in the coal

mines.

So he gave him the shaft.

Look at Jimmy Walker laughing.

Go ahead and laugh, Jimmy.

You can walk home alone at three in the morning.

I'll see another great football on the day as football

hero on the day as Dick Butkus sitting over there eating a Buick.

I like it.

I like the thing, Joe. I like to sing this little tribute to a great champion

and a real superstar.

N is for the niceness.

That's within him.

A means that he always does

his best.

M is for the macho. That's his image.

Another A is for the arm for which he's blessed.

T is for the thrills when he was playing.

How that champ was pushed and shoved and shoved and shoved.

Put them all together, they spell Milton.

Miss Lee Mary.

I am really, truly delighted to be here and to see Joe Namath again.

You know, it's really something, Joe. I almost didn't recognize you with your

clothes on.

I mean your football outfit.

Sexy see -through top that you wear.

gold lame hip huggers cute little white booties

pantyhose and you know that

black eyeliner does something too you know what you should have been miss

america i'm really tickled to be on ms rose because

i'm crazy about football actually that's not true i'm crazy about joe I would

watch him all the time on television, but I've never seen a game live.

So when Buddy Ebsen told me he had two tickets to a Los Angeles Rams game,

I jumped at the chance.

It wasn't one of Joe's better games, but then again, what was?

Joe had several personal fouls called on him for illegal holding.

They caught him grabbing three cheerleaders by their pom -poms.

No. No more, I'm sorry, Joe, no more going to live football games. Too

emotional. Because after all, what is football?

Eleven big guys jumping on one lone defenseless body.

That's what I've been praying for all my life.

is one of the greatest linebackers who ever played professional football.

Dick Butcher!

I played tribute to my old friendly enemy, Joe Namath. You have to

it was nothing personal.

Just as the quarterback for the New York Jets, it was his job to put the ball in

the air.

And as middle linebacker of the Chicago Bears, it was my job to put him in the

hospital.

Big time quarterback like Joe was always surrounded by groupies.

Beautiful actresses, models, cheerleaders.

Of course, we guys on defense, we had our groupies too.

But they were the type of women who all looked like Mean Joe Green.

But I don't begrudge Joe the fame or the fortune, because as a quarterback, he

suffered a lot of pain.

I know that because I was one of the guys giving it to him.

At the end of his career, I asked Joe, how do you feel about being intercepted

so many times?

And Joe smiled and said, Dick, I don't feel bad at all. The way I've been

throwing lately, I'm thrilled anybody is catching it.

Joe, you're one of the best ones.

the dynamic Mr. Red Button.

Why are we giving this man a dinner when some of the biggest sport figures

in the history of the world never got a dinner?

and the man, Musial, who said, why didn't they make me the first Polish

was a great cardinal.

There we go again.

Mark Spitz, who once said, if you lead a horse to water, I'll race him.

Wilt the still Chamberlain, who said to his mother, how can you say I look down

on you?

For the right money, I'd jump over Orson Welles.

That fish hunter who's known in Israel as Gefilte Fish Hunter.

He never got a dinner.

Leon Spinks, who has just voted poster boy for Polident.

If you're so great with girls, how come your knees went bad?

It's always nice to bring on our next guest. Everybody just...

Loves him, a funny guy, a good friend who is currently starring in his own TV

series, The Cuckoo, Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you, Dean. I, uh... I have done dozens of Dean Martin roasts, and they

always a joy, really.

But I must take umbrage with our... procurer, Mr. Garrison, here tonight for

allowing people to take shots at a sports hero like Willie Joe Namath

today, especially today, with all the lust and the carnage and the political

insemination that's going on in our world, sports heroes are crucially

important.

I mean, we had heroes. Everybody on this day, as grown -up people, had heroes.

We grew up with that. Football players and baseball players and fighters and

Batman and Superman and Green Hornet and Yellow Jaundice. We had heroes.

Our kids don't have heroes today.

They talk about sex and good times. That's all they want to talk about. When

were their age, we did not have sex and good times. We were married.

Watch a guy like Booker.

7 feet 14, 826 pounds. They tear down the field for 90 yards. They rush

a wall of bodies, throw guys over their shoulders, massacrate themselves, get up

after 42 guys piled on them, walk over to the bench like nothing happened, sit

down, take off the helmet, turn to the TV cameras and say, Hi, Mommy.

Men have more discipline.

For example, when you travel, you go into a hotel, you've seen it a million

times, there's a small sign in the bathroom that says, please put the

curtain inside the tub before you take a shower.

Ladies do not do it. They don't. They're not trained like that. They see it,

they don't pay attention.

Men do it.

Instinctively. The minute we see that sign, we do it. Takes us ten minutes

sometimes to get the hooks off, but we do it.

It is better to have loved and lost.

Much better.

And cheaper.

One of the most popular shows on television is Love Boat. Kind of a

motel. And one of the big reasons for its success is our next guest who plays

the ship's doctor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bernie Coppell.

Thank you very much.

You know, may I say, I hope you don't mind my saying this, but even though I'm

only a love boat doctor, I can see you're not taking care of yourself. You

should watch your liver.

Okay, well, what channel is it on?

You know, when we filmed our love boat show, we actually shoot it on a ship

during a real cruise.

So on our last trip, I was surprised to see Joan Namath on board.

Not as an actor, but as a passenger.

You see, Joe needed a C -trip as therapy for a neck injury he got in his last

Rams game.

He was sitting on a bench with a lot of other players, and the manager yelled,

Namath!

Joe got a whiplash looking back over his shoulder to read his jersey to find out

if that was him.

But Joe's own doctor told Joe that the answer to his fatigue was bed.

He should stay out of it for a while.

My good friend, we

worked together many, many times, Mr. Joey Bishop.

I love you as much as one man can love another.

And if it were not for the fact we're on television, I would think nothing of

kissing you.

But I know it would be embarrassing to you.

So if the urge comes, I'll kiss Angie Dickinson.

And then you will know I mean I feel it for you.

Okay?

You've always been my idol.

And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. One other football player could

have seven operations and still sign a no -cut contract.

Money means nothing to this man, God bless him. How many other football

do you know would give up a million -dollar college career to play

football?

I feel the urge to kiss you.

See, Angie, that's how it's done, with an open mouth.

It will be the first time in your life you'll see an affair on a day or two.

You'll always be my idol.

I love you, Joe. I tell you this from the bottom of my heart. I don't care

they think. I love you as much as one human being can love another.

Get ready for another kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen, a brilliant man, a great wit, and I'm happy to say a great

buddy, Mr.

Orson Welles.

The Nameth story begins in Deaver Falls in Pennsylvania, an obscure town whose

principal industry was the manufacture of steel.

Every Saturday night, the big thrill was to sit around and listen to the town

rust.

When Joe was born, he doubled the population. By the time he got to high

he was personally multiplying it.

when Joe was born that he was preordained to become the legend that he

At the moment of delivery, the doctor slapped him on the behind and both of

knees went bad.

As for me and my purpose here tonight is not oration, but narration.

It's my pleasant task to provide the spoken accompaniment to this film you're

just about to see, displaying as it does some highlights from the Namath saga.

Once upon a time, there was a magic bean that had a magic spell, and fame

and glory would belong to whomever could throw it straight and handle it well.

All across the land, wise men plotted and planned to see if they would be the

man who could hold this bean in hand.

But alas, it was such a difficult task.

that no solution could be found.

So they dashed it and smashed it in anger on the ground.

Now, far, far away, in a kingdom on the coast, there was a little prince who

made a mighty boast.

I'll throw that bean, he said, and straight I'll make it go.

There's no doubt about it, said the boy named Broadway Joe.

Now, to make this story short, I'll have to report that Broadway Joe was right,

for in his arm was a magic charm that controlled the bean and its flight.

Broadway Joe traveled far and wide and through the bean so well that everyone

gathered round him to tell him he was swell.

Scores of lovely maidens attended to his wants, and a god of honor followed him

to all his usual haunts.

ground there came a sound that shook the entire shore.

It came from the thread of some men who said, this Joe is simply a bore.

From their fearsome faces smoke did spew while their heads were as hard as an

old horseshoe.

They were rough and tough and worked all day in the sun.

They were cranky and cruel and spoiled other people's fun.

But Joe's days were filled with smiles and zest.

And he turned to these villains and said with a jest, if I happen to meet you

guys someday, it'll be best for you to get out of my way.

What's that?

growled those men who were terribly gruff.

How can you say such ridiculous stuff?

We'll meet you in battle and steal your bean, then use it ourselves to be nasty

and mean.

And so it came to pass, in a big round castle way down in the south, that these

merciless men came to take the bean and shut Joey's mouth.

The castle was filled with faces familiar and faces stranger, but all of

knew that Joe was in danger, so they gathered together, put their hands on

breasts, and sincerely wished him their very best.

Broadway Joe needed luck of more than one kind because suddenly trouble came

from in front and then from behind.

They gave him such a knock on the crown that he forgot his bean and left it on

the ground.

The meanies in blue grabbed the thing and turned it over to their old wizard

king.

rose and stood in alarm to see if the ancient wizard still had magic in his

Now, in his prime, many ages ago, he could have thrown that bean and hit a

But by now, his magic arm had spent its force. When he threw the bean, it just

fluttered, of course.

The wizard's men looked solemn and tragic, and sadly they spoke, This

magic, it's a fraud, a joke. Give it back to the kid. If it obeys his

we'll admit defeat and crown him king of the land.

But the bean was magic, and everyone knew it, and watched in amazement

it built through it.

He hopped and he popped and he swung with a swish, and the bean had obeyed

every last wish.

As darkness fell on this incredible day, the meanies in blue just faded

away, and everyone cheered for Broadway Joe, for he had put on such a

spectacular show.

His beam was turned to silver, as bright as the eye could see.

And Joe returned a hero to his kingdom by the sea.

That film was put together by two pals of mine who run the NFL Films in

Philadelphia, Big Ed and Steve Sable. That's right.

Gentlemen, from the wonderful world of saloons, Mr.

Jackie Gale.

Right at the beginning, Joe, I don't think I had too much hope for your

The Waverly Wonders.

Joe's name was written on a dress room door in chalk, and Mr. Silverman kept

walking up and down in front of it with an eraser in his hand.

We had Dick Butkus with us, who's trying to make a new name for himself.

Anything's an improvement on Butkus.

I mean, this is a strong man. He has no neck.

Dick, do you realize, if it wasn't for your back, your head would be on your

hips?

Jimmy Walker with Joe J .J. himself, who made a new movie about the Civil War.

In this version, Lincoln's freed by the slave.

The guy looks like the other side of an x -ray.

Jimmy almost didn't show up tonight.

He found a wallet with some credit cards in it.

Mel Tillis.

That's country music stuttering Sam.

Mel Tillis, the only man I know who took speech lessons from Porky Pig.

That's a beautiful Leanne Murrayweather.

I'd love to see your kitchen. I'll bet that's back, too.

I love those southern names, Leanne.

You're really looking to sell?

I got the southern names. They got those names. Leanne, Lavone, Elvira, Billie

Jean, Billie Jean, Billie Jean.

He's got those names, Bob Jack, Jimmy Jack, Really Jack, Joe Jack, Joe Jack,

Billy Jack.

If you want to say hello, you've got to have rhythm.

Joe played with Alabama.

I was once in Alabama. I went into a restaurant. I said, where the Yankees

out? He said, see that tree?

What comes on that classiest lady you're ever going to meet?

Words can't describe her great talent, her beauty, so I'll just say the

Angie Dickens.

It's awful nice sitting here looking at you.

You're not so bad either.

I'm here because I have realized the American dream of many, many women.

I dated Joe Namath once.

I actually did. We had one date. Actually, it was two dates.

My first and my last.

Sorry, Joe, but I've got to tell it like it was.

You know what happened?

Joe had just bought this new home in Beverly Hills or Hollywood Hills,

someplace, and he asked me if I'd like to see it.

And I said, I'd love to see it.

So we went, and he lowered the lights and turned on some soft music, and then

showed me some pornographic x -rays of his knees.

Then he tried to turn me on by showing me what he thought were pornographic

football films.

You know what a thrill it is watching a bunch of big football players patting

each other's butts.

Finally, Joe made his move.

He said, Angie, come upstairs. I'd like to show you my football trophies. I was

so surprised he showed them to me.

One was a knockout.

And from what I've heard from women around town, Joe makes love like he

for the Rams.

Two minutes of action and he's out of the game.

has spent a lot of time in hospitals with around -the -clock nursing care.

We're very fortunate tonight to have with us Joe's very own private nurse,

Sandy Hurt, R .N.

I'm a little frightened.

A thousand people out there.

It's almost enough to scare the pants off me.

Bring in another thousand.

I can't believe it. Dean Martin on one side of me and Joan

Namath on the other. A little girl like me standing here with two biggies.

When I first met Mr. Namath, he was in very bad shape.

You see, I'm a visiting nurse.

And when I came to his home, the first thing Mr. Namath wanted was a complete

physical examination.

I had to remind Mr. Namath that he was the patient.

The therapy Mr. Namath loved most was the alcohol rub.

He must have given me three a day.

Thank you, Mr. Martin. I hope we have the pleasure again sometime.

We never had it the first time.

Thank you, Sandy Hope.

This best young lady comes as a special surprise to our guest of honor.

For years, she has secretly worshipped and admired him, and she just had to be

here to tell her story.

Please welcome the long -suffering Gladys Holmesby.

What do you have me for?

Because I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, look at her. She's plain common and vulgar.

You left out dumpy, grumpy, and lumpy.

by the pinball machine and tried to light my bumpers.

When he went to the University of Alabama, he dated every girl on the

except me.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I was so desperate.

I sent him a nude picture of myself.

The post office delivered it as junk mail.

into Joe's apartment, and I stuck my head into his oven. Joe came home, found

me, shoved the meat thermometer in my mouth, and basted me.

But just having my head in Joe Namath's oven just makes...

Good Times is such a big hit. It's because the next fella I'm going to

introduce, he's young, he's talented, he's funny. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Jimmy Walker.

Thank you. Thank you so much. It's so glorious to be here in Viva Las Vegas.

I've always loved that nickname of yours. Joe Willie, name it. Makes him

like one of us.

Joe's always been known as a very sharp dresser. Matter of fact, just the other

day, he picked up three paternity suits.

Joe can't laugh at that.

Too serious.

I asked him the other day, I said, do the bad knees affect your love life? He

said, no, only when I have to beg.

Tom Bosley on the show from Happy Days. I loved that show. I watched that show

myself. Happy Days. I was watching the other week. Matter of fact, you know

Happy Days is about the 50s and everything.

I'm watching it. I realized when I'm watching it, there's no black people on

this show.

So I called a producer. You know, I was like, there's no black people? He told

me there's no black people in the 50s.

All the black folks hiding out waiting for the 60s.

with Joe Namath for many years.

He's Joe's former roommate and ex -lineman for the New York Jets,

Mr. O .J. Simpleton.

Oh.

Oh.

First of all, I would like to say hello to my former roommate.

This man is a fake.

He gets all the glory while we get all the injuries.

Look.

the same concussion for the last 15 years. My vision is blurred. My speech

My speech is... Slurred.

I can't... Dizzy spells.

And I can't walk straight.

I've had that for years.

Joe wanted me on the team because he knew that I have the legs of a gazelle.

I have them right here in the bed.

I know everything about

him. Believe me, and it's not pretty. For one thing, he's a slob.

Yes, I used to come home every night.

And there by the corner of his bed, he had a pile of dirty girls.

And I'll never forget.

Yes, I'll never forget the time.

We were playing for the Washington Redskins.

Kenneth Jess was one of the great quarterbacks in football history.

And he played until he was 48.

He was around a long, long time. He was throwing passes before Joe Namath was

making them. A real gentleman, Mr. George Blanda.

You know, Joe, you could have played a few more years, but I think you didn't

stay in good condition.

Believe me, conditioning is everything.

And, which brings me to my new book.

I've got to get a plug in.

George Plant is over 40, looking good and feeling great.

My book is about physical fitness.

I gave Dick Buckness a copy, and he really liked it.

He went out and got a roll of salami and put it between the covers and ate it.

All the proceeds from my book are going to the Joe Namath halfway house.

It's for the quarterbacks who can only throw the ball halfway to the receivers.

Joe, I know the whole idea of these roasts is to put you down, but

wouldn't feel right if I left the desk without saying how much I admire your

ability, your spirit, your courage, and your sense of humor.

And as to your future, I can only wait for those words in the title of my book.

I hope you'll always be feeling great and looking good. Thank you, Jeff.

I'm a guy.

That means Mr.

Rich Little.

It is an honor to be part of this roast tonight for Joe Namath.

And if Howard Cosell were alive and well, and here this evening,

he would probably say, Ladies and gentlemen, tonight we are honoring Joe

Willie Namath, this humble, hobbling Hungarian.

A man whose co -analytical mind works out strategy, looks for weaknesses in

opposition, and then scores.

But, Joe, you do have one fan.

The President of the United States, Mr. Jimmy Carter.

tonight, I'd like to say something.

You know, I've always wanted to play football like you, Jeff.

Of course, I didn't play in a big team like the Jets or the Rams.

I played in a little team from Plains, Georgia.

We didn't get big money either.

We played for peanuts.

accomplishments as a quarterback for the new york jets will live forever in the

record books he won every kind of award there is for completed and consecutive

passes and created an excitement on the football field that is

unparalleled ladies and gentlemen a future hall of famer a great guy a close

friend

He's beautiful. Mr. Joe Namath.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you. Mighty nice of you all.

And thank you, Dean. You know, Dean's the only person I know that walks up to

bar and points to his mouth and says, fill her up.

Ruth Buzzy. I haven't seen her for a while, and I must say that the last few

months have been good to you, Ruth. You look great.

Ruth was on the $1 .98 beauty show last week, and they marked her down to $1

.79.

And Jimmy Walker.

Man, I'm one of his biggest fans, but what can I say about a guy who can only

trace his roots back to Nipsey Russell?

show, really.

Mr. Burrow, you've got so much talent for making people laugh.

Why don't you ever use it?

So, Bruce Jenner is here, and then Bruce, well, Bruce is a great athlete.

Everyone knows that, but he is a little square.

You see, Bruce and I went out last night to have a couple of drinks, and he's

the only guy I know that... Orders a martini with chocolate sprinkles.

Everywhere I go, you know, and I hear people mention the name Bernie Coppell,

they mention it to Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Peter Falk, you know, and they

all say the same thing.

Who?

And can you believe my friend Dick Butkus saying that I'm out of shape?

I mean, look at this man. He's so fat, he's wearing a maternity tuxedo.

Oh, there's the whistle.

Two -minute warning. Okay.

I was a minute late.

Two -minute warning's in, so look, I'd just like to say that you've really been

a marvelous day. I've honestly enjoyed this a great deal, and I had a fun time.

Thanks a lot for coming, and thank you, folks.

Good night. We enjoyed it.

Oh yeah!