Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight. Here in Las Vegas, in person,

joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour,

Stewart.

With tonight's guests,

June Allison, Lucille Ball,

Greer Darson, Red Button, Senator Barry Goldwater,

Lawanda Page, Henry Fonda, Eddie Albert,

Foster Brooks.

George Burns, Tony Randall, John Rickles,

Rich Little, Janet Lee, Milton Berle,

Jesse White, Orson Welles, Nicky Rooney,

and your Roastmaster, Gene Martin.

With tonight's man of the hour, Jimmy Stewart.

Here this man is at.

He first starred in pictures during that golden era of handsome leading men.

Jimmy, there's very few of your kind left. Just you, Xavier Cougat, Lawrence

Welk.

He's shy.

Last week back in Hollywood, he was having lunch with Dolly Parton, you

when the waitress said, what?

would you like in your coffee? He said, nothing. He was too shy to say, two

lumps.

I don't know of a nicer guy than him. He's the only person I know who would

interrupt an orgy to ask if anybody wanted coffee or cake, you know.

Last night I took Jimmy. to see Hallelujah Hollywood here at the MGM

dancer came out topless so Jimmy ran up on the stage and tried to cover her up

with his hat.

Fortunately, he has a small head.

At the hotel here, he has the room next to mine.

And I know every time Jimmy is in a romantic mood because I can hear his

Gloria snoring.

horse sold every night his wife makes him take out the garbage and he lives in

hotel there's a

statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood wax museum and the statue talks better

than he does

is most recently the Golden Award on the Agva Entertainer of the Year show.

He started making America laugh on TV 30 years ago, and they haven't stopped

since. Ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Mr. Milton Berle.

Thank you. What a night. What a night. What a night. What a night.

Thank you very much.

Gino, I spoke to your doctor. It's okay, you're still alive.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we are honoring Jimmy Stewart, a man who has

brought a new meaning to the word valium.

That's a smile, Jimmy.

You look like a bastard hound who forgot what...

This darling of the menopause set has been a giant in Hollywood for 40

years. When he walked through the MGM gates, starlets would follow him all

the lot.

And now, years later, he still has the girls following him, but he can't

remember what for.

Today, this man is a sex symbol for women who no longer care.

is a big star. He won an award for his great performance in Mr. Smith Goes to

Washington, but he still doesn't know anything about politics.

Really, I asked him, I said, what he thought of Tungsten Park?

And he said, it's nice, but they should put in more benches.

And now, who can forget his great performance in Rear Window?

Who can forget it?

Everybody.

Remember when you were in that western where you saved that girl from the

Indians and then you pulled out your gun and shot three guys who were coming at

you from both sides?

You remember that?

You're full of bull. That was Randolph Scott.

Slowing up, slowing up.

He takes vitamin E and his wife takes iron pills.

So when he's ready, she's rusty.

Jimmy, look at me, baby. You should be very proud tonight. Look at all these

great stars who showed up in your honor. Mickey Rooney, who still looks like the

boy next door to the motion picture home.

and she's very big in real estate. She moves into rich neighborhoods and starts

ghettos.

Jesse Whitey, I mean Whitey.

Sorry, LaWanda told me to say it that way.

Tony Randall, who always has an expression on his face like he's

leak.

Remember, Henry, when you were 21 and you were a matinee idol?

Today, one matinee.

George Burns, what a lover.

His pacemaker is acting up, though, every time he sneezes his garage door

Senator Goldwater, I want to ask you, why is everybody picking on Jimmy

He hasn't done anything.

You know,

the dictionary defines funny as... a comical droll or a provoking laughter.

Our next guest fits all of those definitions and more.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first lady of television.

You got to hesitate when you say her name because she is the first lady.

Miss Lucille Ball.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

And thank you, Dean.

Thank you very much. I'm very proud to be here this evening honoring my good

friend Jimmy Stewart.

I've been Jimmy's neighbor for over 15 years, and I know him as a shy,

home -loving man.

That's why I'm shocked that he's even here tonight. I've never seen him up

late.

Hey, every morning you can find Jimmy out in back of his house where he has

beautiful, wonderful, sensational vegetable garden.

And you know, he is so gentle, he can't bear to hurt a thing. He doesn't even

spray the destructive insects.

Truth. I saw him on his hands and knees lecturing a snail.

Thoughtful and considerate neighbor.

In order not to disturb anyone, he has his New Year's Eve party at 2 .30 in the

afternoon.

In July.

Things are so quiet around his house, the city made it an honorary hospital

zone.

He's always been like that.

Even in the early days when we started in pictures together, he told me that

idea... of a romantic evening with soft lights, sweet music, and champagne.

No girl, just soft lights, sweet music, and champagne.

Let me put it this way.

Next to Jimmy Stewart, Fred McMurray is electrifying.

Jimmy is so moral.

He's the only man I know who goes into the confession booth and can't think of

thing to say.

He has to borrow somebody else's sins to show you what I mean.

As somebody just said, we arrived in Vegas last night and we went to see a

and it turned out to be a nude review.

And while the naked girls were dancing on stage, Jimmy kept nudging me, asking,

when does the juggler come on?

All the years I've known Jimmy Stewart, I've found one thing to be true.

He's just the same now as he was before he became a star.

A decent, warm -hearted, wonderful guy.

I adore you, James.

The Bluefield Ball, ladies and gentlemen.

It is a pleasure to introduce an old friend, the popular senator from

Arizona.

Thank you,

Dean.

Thanks for inviting me to share this evening with our mutual friend Jimmy

Stewart. And let me tell you, it's cold in the east.

Billy Carter is very impressed with the annual snowfall in Buffalo.

Three months, three months each year, it's the only city with a head on it.

I just forgot so bad the other night in Washington there was a little nip in the

air and Dean Martin drank it.

all over the country keep talking about legalizing gambling.

And I thought we already had it. It's called Election Day.

And speaking of losers, the last time I saw Dean and Jimmy Stewart together,

they were in my home state of Arizona.

They came over there to make a movie they called Bandolero.

And in the movie, Dean and Jimmy were lost in the desert. The horses were

their lips were parched, their tongues were swollen, and they crawled up to a

waterhole. And that's when the director said, cut, and called in Dean's stuntman

to drink the water for him.

I've always respected Jimmy Stewart for his patriotism.

and also because he's a very concerned citizen.

And Jimmy, in response to your sincere interest, I'm happy to tell you that the

Senate has just drafted a new anti -crime bill.

Unfortunately, on the way to the House, it was stolen.

Jimmy, again, it's been a long time since Mr.

Smith goes to Washington.

And from where I sit, it seems that things have changed a bit in Congress.

We can see much more clearly now. For one thing, nobody has to sit behind

Abzug in her hat anymore.

And after all these years in Washington, I now realize what it takes to become

the president.

Apparently it helps to have a brother who sits at a gas station drinking beer

all day.

I was campaigning in that razor -thin election in 1964,

I should have told everyone that Dean was my brother.

Jimmy and I share many interests.

We are both pilots and aviation enthusiasts.

Thank you.

In fact, this year is kind of an anniversary for Jimmy.

Fifty years ago, Jimmy made his first airline flight across the country.

and just last week they delivered his missing letter.

Jimmy's too much a modest man to talk about his exploits during World War II,

but I'd like you to know Jimmy's entitled to wear 12 different medals,

the coveted Distinguished Flying Cross, and he's here tonight without any of

those medals. He left them all at home, pinned on his pajamas.

It's been both a pleasure and a privilege to be with you two tonight.

For in you, and I say this with some bias, can be found some of the

qualities, Jim, of three of our great Republican presidents, Abraham Lincoln,

Calvin Coolidge, and Gerald Ford.

And by that I mean you're tall and lanky and a man of few words and a rotten

golfer.

You know, there's an old saying that behind every man's success is a woman.

Our next guest has known Jimmy Stewart from the very beginning of his career.

She served as his inspiration. She encouraged him, supported him, and her

belief in his talents are responsible for what he is today.

Here she is, the epitome of femininity, Miss Gladys Armstead.

You can't fool me with your phony flattery.

I know your type.

You are the type who thinks that women are just toys.

If I wind you up, you'll go away, won't you?

I am the woman who made his career possible.

The one who had undying faith in his future.

And do you know what this undying faith is?

bosom swelled with pride.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was a pom -pom girl.

couldn't be here tonight.

Boy, they're lucky.

So they sent some wires, and here's one.

Dear Mr.

Stewart, sorry we could not work you into our TV series playing your

but you must realize the high professional standards we maintain.

Signed, The Gong Show.

Here's one from Jimmy Stewart.

From Jerry Stewart.

It says, Dear Dean, when do I go on? I'm getting sleepy.

It's a telegram from the Vice President of the United States. I didn't like the

way the invitation was addressed.

At the Vice President's mansion, I am listed as Fritz Mondale, not occupant.

Here's one from...

all the members of the dais. Had we known that we could have sent telegrams,

wouldn't have been here.

And the last minute I laughed. I don't care what anybody says, Jimmy. I love

way you talk. I'm a porky pig.

Nobody knows.

like a leading lady.

So we invited a lovely lady who was one of Jimmy's co -stars at MGM, ladies and

gentlemen, a wonderful, most respected actress, the beautiful Miss June Allen.

Oh, I'm very happy to be here tonight, especially for Jimmy.

But really, I think you're honoring the wrong person.

It's Jimmy's wife, Gloria, who deserves to be honored.

And I think I'm entitled to say this, because I played Jimmy's wife in many

movies. We were married so many times that when they rerun our old movies, I

don't get residuals.

I get alimony.

In every picture we made, I was the wife Jimmy left behind.

In the Glenn Miller story, he traveled with his band.

And in the Stratton story, he was always playing baseball.

And he was overseas in Strategic Air Command.

And the only time anyone got to see me on screen was when I got to read a

letter.

You know, I didn't really have a husband.

I had a pen pal.

another story. I was always home worrying that Jimmy might have an affair

sexy band singer.

Well, you could hardly blame me.

Who knew Doris Day would turn out to be a virgin?

Well, I will say this.

Jimmy took his acting very seriously.

When we made the baseball picture, the Stratton story, Jimmy ate, drank, and

slept baseball.

He didn't win an Academy Award as a ball player, but he did receive an honor, an

honor that thrilled him even more.

He got to get his picture on a bubble gum card.

If for nothing else, you have to love Jimmy for being such a quiet and mild

-mannered person.

And nobody was more surprised than I.

when Jimmy became a bomber pilot in World War II,

Gloria tells me even today he can still handle a B -36 and a B -47.

Not the airplanes, the vitamins.

But when I count my blessings, I'll always remember how fortunate I was to

with the talented stars at Metro.

But I never met a more talented or a nicer man or one I love so very much

Jimmy Stewart.

It's with pride I introduce our next guest, a brilliant actor and truly one

the... All -time greats, ladies and gentlemen, Mighty Mick himself.

Mr. Nick DeRuwe.

Jimmy, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not standing in a hole down here.

But I want to thank you, Dean, for the very nice introduction. I'm very happy,

needless to say.

To be here for the great Jimmy Stewart. Because I happen to be a good friend of

his. I'm not sure, however, that he's a friend of mine.

Every time I walked past him backstage, he was singing short people.

Short is beautiful. For one thing, I get a lot more out of dancing.

with Raquel Welch than you do.

I happen to know that he had another problem, Mr. Stewart did.

He had to go through life with a terrible handicap.

You see, he's half Irish and half Scot, and half of him wants to get drunk and

the other half doesn't want to pay for it.

Despite of his many problems, he did become what we call a real superstar.

And if Jimmy liked you, if he liked you, you knew that you had it made.

I made it with wardrobe mistresses, makeup ladies,

married four starlets, two of them I

didn't make it with.

Yes, I have never denied going out with the ladies, though, Mr. Stewart.

But that was just a phase, you might say, friends.

It lasted for about 30 or 40 years.

I'll tell you, Dean, Jimmy had some leading ladies who were actually what we

call beauties.

He even made a movie with one of my ex -wives.

Who hasn't?

Look, I could have stayed married to one woman, but I wanted a second opinion.

Jimmy was such a square.

You want to know how much of a square Mr. Stewart was? How much of a square

he? He had a crush on a girl in one of his movies.

The producer said to Jimmy, Jimmy, you can use my casting couch.

So he went in and went to sleep on it.

and he hasn't changed a bit, friends. He thinks pot is Tupperware.

It's funny how things do turn out, though.

We were just two fellows, guys who shared the golden era of motion pictures

years ago and lucky enough to make a lot of money.

I spent mine on marriages and gambling and then I spent it on some silly

Jimmy spent his on real estate, friends, and we've shared a lot in the past, and

I'd like to say we're still sharing.

You see, some of my ex -wives are living in his buildings.

Now, someone who has become one of our regular roasters, a lovely lady with a

big, warm heart. Her heart is so warm that she can

fricassee you with her tongue.

This is Rwanda Page.

Rwanda Page is here.

Ebony Princess like me is doing up here with all these

honky sports.

Well, NBC hired me to do the color commentary.

Eat your heart out, Phyllis George.

Black may be beautiful, but scarce on this desk.

Good, I was wondering why I left it.

And you people have been saying what a big star Jimmy Stewart is.

Well, I got news.

Down in the cement at the Chinese Theater, his footprints have been

Jimmy Stewart has been replaced by my side of the family, Jimmy Walker.

If you could steal hubcaps like you do jokes, you'd be a star in my

neighborhood.

And you can't afford to talk you, Nicky Rooney.

Honey, after short stuff here saw Ruth, he went to Ireland to trace his family

tree and find out it was a stump.

look tall.

Soon to bury Goldwater, you're getting to be an old joke, too.

Still wanting to be president.

Daddy, you got about as much chance as the Pope has for being arrested for wife

beating.

Sure, you're still popular in Arizona, but what does a cactus know?

Brings us to that cactus -faced old rummy Foster Brooks.

Foster, if Count Dracula ever bit your neck, he'd get a bloody Mary.

June Allison, I don't know what you're doing here with all these dirty old

drunks.

You were always so sweet and pure and innocent.

You make...

Reeves look like Bonnie and Clyde.

And there's that old buzzer George Burns laughing.

He's so old, he carries polygrip on dates in case he wants to nibble on a

ear.

Janet Leigh is laughing now.

But wait till I move in next door to her.

Never shaved your legs in a shower.

Now that brings me to the man of the hour.

Now I can't say anything bad about you, Skinny.

and a cool actor, and I'm your fan.

Our next guest is that beautiful actress and a dear friend of mine. She is not

only a fine performer, but she's one of the best tennis players in Beverly

Hills. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Janet Leigh.

I can't tell you how truly happy I am to have been asked to this Jimmy Stewart

roast.

He is a very dear man.

You know, some years ago, we made a western together called The Naked Spur,

I was all excited because I had a crush on Jimmy, and the script called for us

to play a love scene.

I pursed my lips for a burning kiss.

Jimmy moved closer to me, reached out, and shook my hand.

you that I was a little upset by this, so when we broke for lunch, I spoke to

his wife, Gloria, about it, and she said, well, what are you complaining

I had to play spin the bottle to get him to kiss me on our honeymoon.

Now, June, June Allison said, she had the same trouble with love themes.

When they made the Glenn Miller story, she said by the time he got through

playing in the mood, she wasn't.

who also did a Western with Jimmy, Death Tree Rides Again.

And she said, Janet, why don't you do what I did?

Wear an off -the -shoulder holster.

That way he can't help but notice you. Your 45s will be right next to your 36s.

And then I realized the secret of this sensational kisser.

All those years of stammering and stuttering and saying, well,

made the muscles in his lips so strong that they were like steel -belted

radials. I mean, forget about your Kurt Reynolds or Paul Newman. When it comes

to kissing, Jimmy Stewart has the pucker power.

In introducing our next guest, I can think of nothing more impressive than

saying, ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Henry Fonda.

Mr. Dean?

You know, I've really been looking forward to this evening.

Because I can't think of a fellow I'd like more to say nice things about than

friend Jim Seward.

Jim and I arrived in Hollywood 43 years ago.

Two young actors trying to make it in pictures.

Each of us so skinny we could ride in a buggy in the whip socket.

The two of us only cast one shadow.

Over the years, we made some movies together.

One of them was Fire Creek.

I played a bad guy and Jim had to gun me down.

Before that, we did one called On Our Merry Way.

We played two musicians who were so bad that everybody wanted to gun us down.

And just a few years back, we worked together in the Cheyenne Social Club.

We were a couple of cowpokes, moseying around one of those typical

establishments of the Old West, where men are men and they paid women to

prove it.

Of course, Jim had some experience with this kind of movie years ago when he

made Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, about another house of ill repute.

I guess knowing how far Jim and I go back is probably the reason why I was

to come on tonight and show you some of the unique special qualities that have

made Jim unique in the world of movies.

The subtle nuances that belong only to him.

In other words, The great moments of James Stewart on film.

In Jim's first film, Rosemary, we get a good indication of that Stewart magic to

come.

Here we see a young and very thin Stewart, a prisoner on horseback,

being taken in by a Royal Canadian Mountie, Nelson Eddy, for having killed

another Mountie.

I don't seem to understand. You've got to have some excitement.

I'll take Sis there, for instance.

She's been plugging away at that music ever since I can remember.

I wouldn't work that hard for anybody.

As I looked at it, I realized it may not have been such a great moment for us,

the viewers, but considering how skinny Stuart was, sure a great moment for the

horse.

Beats the hell out of carrying Orson Welles.

In a film called Born to Dance, we are blessed by another of Jim's gifts, his

voice.

In it, he introduces a Cole Porter song as he sings to the lovely Eleanor

Powell.

That it does seem a shame That you can't

see your future

The only thing that's thinner than gin is voice.

But undaunted, he kept right on singing.

This time to Katharine Hepburn in his award -winning movie, The Philadelphia

Story.

Mikey, keep grooming.

In this scene, Jim is demonstrating two things.

His incredible strength in picking up Miss Hepburn.

And the fact he's no Judy Garland.

But he did a wonderful impression of Dean.

Is that an alcoholic beverage?

It is what?

For me?

That's with Tracy. Why, do you want one?

Listen, I'd sell my grandmother for a drink. You know I love my grandmother.

Well, Uncle Willie's around in the pantry doing weird and wonderful things.

him I said one of the same.

Mind if I make it two?

That's between you and your grandmother.

For the most part, Jim exhibited a whimsical, likable quality in his films.

As evidenced in It's a Wonderful Life, Shop Around the Corner, Harvey.

But here in this sequence from Stratton's story, he exhibits a hidden

shocking violence.

that make Charlie Bronson look like a cocktail waitress.

But if there's one thing that sums up the Stewart persona, it's his physical

grace.

We've heard a lot of jokes about his speech pattern, but his blitheness of

movement is undeniable.

And here we see it with Lana Turner in Ziegfeld Girl.

Dames is just like traffic. Sometimes you gotta stop, sometimes you gotta go.

Yeah, but a smart driver don't pick the light.

Okay.

So you know your own strength.

You ain't exactly a name make yourself.

Show's out at 11 .30.

We'll be there at 11 .28.

And if I have to push one of them fancy limousines out of the way with my truck,

I can do that too.

Jim, you and I are survivors of what's been called the golden age of Hollywood.

We've come a long way and a lot of years together, and just think.

One day we might make it into the Hollywood Wax Museum together.

Ladies and gentlemen, with great respect and love, I give you Mr. George Burns.

Dean, for that sweet introduction.

You know, you've got to give Dean credit.

When he has a show to do, it's amazing how he gets the job done.

For instance, he's got to introduce everybody on this day. Believe me, it's

easy. He's got to stand up to do it.

In fact, the doctor gave Dean one day to stop drinking.

Dean picked January the 20th, 1999.

I know at these roasts you're supposed to say terrible things about the guest,

but how can you say anything nasty about Jimmy Stewart?

He's a doll.

I'd even like to take him out dancing.

It's so nice I'd even let him lead.

Of course, I wouldn't try it in Florida.

Imagine me trying to be funny by insulting Jimmy Stewart.

He's so happily married, so quiet, so gentle, so tall,

so contented, so pleasant.

There's not a laugh in that group.

I can't insult Jimmy Stewart. It's not my nature.

I like to say nice things about everybody.

I can't even insult Don Rickles.

I'm Milton Berle, I can insult.

Yeah, I'd enjoy insulting Milton Berle.

I think I will.

Last week I ran into his wife and I said, Ruth, I know you and Milton have

married a long time. How's your sex life?

She says, are you kidding?

Milton gets more laughs in bed than he gets when he plays Las Vegas.

But I still have another problem. What to say about Jimmy Stewart?

He managed to live 50 years in Hollywood and never had his character blemished.

He's a perfect citizen.

Whenever there's a wild party with the booze and the girls, when Jimmy hears

about it, it makes him mad because he's never invited.

I love Jimmy because he's so casual and so easygoing and he talks slow and he

listens slow.

And he eats slow, and he walks slow.

And, uh, and, uh... Yeah, he does everything slow.

By the way, Jimmy was supposed to play God in the picture I did.

But the only reason they took me is that the studio saved a fortune.

We all know that God created the Earth in six days.

Well, it would have taken Jimmy at least six months.

an actor all his life but I started acting only about two and a half years

and Jimmy I hope this doesn't upset you but I found out that acting is very very

easy if you're doing a scene where you're knocking on somebody's door and

somebody says come in if you walk in you're a good actor if a man says come

and you stay out in the hall that's bad acting I'm a good actor I always walk in

In some of the movies that they're doing today, you can even do it lying down.

And you don't have to put your clothes on.

But you're never embarrassed because there's always a girl next to you to

to.

I'd never go to porno movies, but I'd be willing to pay $5 just to see Jimmy

Stewart with his clothes off.

I'd even pay a dollar to see him without a tie.

delighted to be here.

And what I said still goes.

After the show, I'd still like to take you out dancing.

You're such a nice man, I promise not to dance close.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present Miss Greer

Garson.

Thank you, Dean. Thank you. I'm just delighted to join in honoring, in our

peculiar way, one of the nicest gentlemen in slow business.

What can one say about Jimmy Stewart?

His career?

proves that he who hesitates is found.

Here's a perfect case of a man who brought glamour to the drama with a

I used to wonder why, Jimmy, when we were both working at MGM Studio, why we

never made a picture together.

And then I realised...

That it wouldn't be a well -balanced team. Because I talk too much, and

you don't talk at all.

Jimmy, you could have cleaned up in silent movies.

Everybody makes fun of the way he talks.

But Chuck's chief whiz.

Golly, if Jimmy started talking like the rest of us ordinary folk, hundreds of

impressionists would be unemployed.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, imitations of his mannerisms as an actor are familiar

stuff.

But it would be quite a challenge for anyone to try to duplicate Jimmy

range of real lifestyles.

He's modern.

So he goes often, with his lovely Gloria, to Africa on safari, hunting not

gun, but with cameras.

Nice.

He's old -fashioned, so he goes to church on Sundays.

He's the only Air Force general I know who hobnobs on theater stages with a six

-foot invisible rabbit.

A deep bow to his royal shyness.

And for this courtly occasion,

we offer a small poem.

Begging your indulgence.

I call it Ode to a Norman Rockwell Character.

In the golden years of Hollywood, MGM was stacked with leading men who had

certain things that Jimmy Stewart lacked.

No shoulders broad, no muscled brawn. He was...

skinny and long like a cable. In fact, you'd have to take three of him to make

just one Clark Gable.

So what has he got, this Jimmy of ours, that somehow sets him apart?

The certain appeal of the honored and real that works its way straight

to your heart.

He's sweet, kind, and shy.

He's our favorite good guy. So why do I have to say more?

Though his hair's gray, you see, yet he always will be America's boy next

door.

I'll guess the boner.

Had a glittering record in World War II. He was one of the few officers in the

history of the Air Force to receive the Distinguished Service Medal for

outstanding service to the United States. But he never could have achieved

honor without the help of a great fellow aviator who flew with him for 20

missions.

As a surprise to Jimmy, that fabulous flyboy is here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr.

Foster Brooks.

Thank you, Dolly Parton.

I'm sorry, but I'm not Dolly Parton. You're not half as sorry as I am.

Point spread on Dolly this week.

It's a real thrill for me to be here to pay tribute to my old flying bud.

Buddy.

Jimmy Stu.

Jimmy Stu.

I can still recall the day I first met you, Jimmy.

It was at the airbase in England.

We were in a briefing room, walking around in our briefs.

But Jimmy and I became good buddies, and us two

handsome young flyers.

Naturally, we were surrounded by adoring service women. That's what I was born

for, to service women.

Jimmy was dating a whack, a wave, and a whack.

And I wound up with a whoop.

The bagels of, beagles, bugle, the bugles of war sounded.

Well, my first mission, Jimmy was a pilot and I was a navigator.

I was the, no, I was the one with the S .O. road map.

to the target, and we bombed the heck out of it.

Unfortunately, the aerial photographs showed that we wiped out Trenton, New

Jersey.

Nobody's perfect.

After that, Jimmy made me his tail gunner, and he even offered me a bow.

A bow.

A bow. A bow on us.

I got down some Messerschmitts. He gave me a mess of Schlitz.

And I was doing real good until on one mission we were in the thick of battle

and Jimmy yelled, action at two o 'clock, action at two o 'clock.

I opened fire at two o 'clock and got off my wristwatch.

The pastor broke.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome the co -star of the popular television

series, Switch.

Mr. Eddie Elvis!

It's a pleasure for me to be here honoring my dear friend Jimmy tonight.

Now, you've heard the other members of this day say that he's a fine actor.

That's true. We've become friends. We met one day at a party, and that was

we got together on the gardening. He found out I was an avid gardener.

You're an avid gardener?

You've changed.

No, no, no. I'm an avid gardener, Dean.

It means that we have green thumbs.

Hey, I have a green thumb, too, Eddie.

Yeah?

Yeah, from picking olives out of those martinis there.

We're both organic gardeners. We love gardening.

I must say that he raises some wonderful stuff over there in his garden.

His vegetables are prize examples.

He raised a tomato so juicy, a gopher bit in it and was drowned.

He sent me some vegetables from his garden.

Let me try these.

Woolworths.

He sent me... Oh, this is marvelous.

He sent me some vegetables from his garden. I ate organic peppers, organic

onions, organic cucumbers, and the next morning I had organic heartburn.

He's enthusiastic.

He helps me with my gardening.

This one morning, about 3 o 'clock, he called me and said, Eddie, can you come

over? Something's been eating my asters.

He's shy and he's decent.

I was showing him how to cross -pollinate two flowers, and during the

he looked the other way.

Crop is in. Jimmy harvests bushels of corn, tomatoes, peppers, carrots. He

them into a station wagon, drives to the poor section of the town, and sells

them.

The flower he's proudest of, seriously, though, is his wife, Gloria.

On their wedding anniversary, Jimmy gave his wife, Gloria, something very

enriching. Down to earth, a 50 -pound sack of bandini.

Truthfully, you know that I'm joking here, Jim.

It's all been in good fun, and I'd like to use just a second or two here to tell

you that, in my opinion, you're one of the most decent and sweetest guys we got

in our town.

I'm proud to be your friend, and that's not Bandini.

What?

The question tonight is what?

In the history of the world, never got a dinner.

Orson Welles.

Who said to Anita Bryant, stop picketing me. What I am is a thespian.

Never got a day.

Jimmy Cagney, who said to Mickey Mouse, you dirty rat.

Never got a day.

Carlton Heston, who said when he came down from Mount Sinai with the Ten

Commandments, funny, he didn't look like George Burns.

John Travolta, who said my Saturday night fever

was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash.

and gets a dinner. Rudolph Valentino, the silent screen star who once said...

Those

words were as true today as they were then.

Never got a dinner. Telly Savalas who said, I'd give it all up.

Fame, money, glory, if I could only have a little dandruff.

The policewoman who said the thing I like about pepper is her shaker.

Sidney Poitier who said to Paul Newman, let's do one called Butch Cassidy and

the Sunburn Kid.

Dolly Parton who said to a doctor, are you sure it's a chest cold?

The sex symbol of the movies who said...

a fellow who's a fine actor and I'm sure you all know he was Felix on the

hit show The Odd Couple and now you see him every week as Judge Franklin

on his own show.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Randolph!

As long as I'm here, I may as well use this opportunity to air a few grievances

I have, Mr. Stewart.

Some I've held long in my heart. I confess I'm jealous of Jimmy Stewart. It

isn't quite fair, it seems to me.

I've studied to be an actor.

I've worked long and hard.

My parents sacrificed that I could improve my diction and speak, in the

Shakespeare, trippingly on the tongue.

This man sounds as though he has a mouth full of rice pudding.

And he's a star.

I can recite the entire soliloquy of Hamlet in the amount of time it takes

to say, well, gee whiz, it's excruciating to me.

I saw one film in which he speaks so slowly that by the time the film was

over, we were in the sequel.

Why is this man a star? Where's the glamour?

Where's the personality?

Somebody once told me that Jimmy once tried to write his autobiography as told

to. Nobody would listen.

Once you see Jimmy Stewart on the screen, you'll never forget him.

All his performances are exactly the thing.

He always plays himself, you see, which is deadly.

He always plays himself, which is deadly.

Once you see Jimmy Stewart on the screen, you'll never forget him.

You have a telegram for me? Tony, you can use the cigar. You may get a laugh.

I'd like to tell Mr. Burrell what to do with the cigar.

on the screen, friends.

You'll never forget it.

All his performances are exactly the same.

Jimmy Stewart, you see, always plays himself, which is deadly.

Good man, good man, Mr. Rich Little!

Jam,

um... I, um... I...

It seems to me that, you know, and the thing is

that I... What are you trying to say? What are you trying to say?

Jim,

I am grateful to you because...

You keep people like me working.

And you're probably

imitated by more people than anybody in show business.

And the reason is, it's so easy to do.

I mean, anybody could do Jimmy Stewart.

Even you could do you.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I've noticed lately that your Jimmy

Stewart is just, well, it just isn't what it used to be, you know?

It's slipping away. Now, would you stand up for a minute, Jim? Let me give you a

few pointers here.

Now, the first thing you've got to do is put your hand out like this and just

kind of shake it like that.

That's good. That's good. That's good.

Now, I want you to...

kind of look through the tops of your eyes and give it that... No,

no, kind of squint them a little bit and bend over just a bit.

Now, I want you to say... I feel terrible.

How do you think we feel? We've been watching you for 40 years, do we?

Gives you a little character there.

Now, I want you to put the hand out, look through the tops of your eyes and

wow, just like that, wow.

Wow.

No good. That's terrible.

I mean, that is bad.

That, I mean, do you ever hear such a bad Jimmy Stewart in your life?

audience. Can you do better than that?

Huh?

Come on, I'll give you a chance to adjust your shorts.

I want you to put your hands out. Now look through the tops of your eyes, and

the count of three, everybody go, wow.

Ready? One, two, three.

voices of a lot of stars that couldn't be here tonight.

But I'm not going to do that now. I would like to do the voices of a number

stars who are glad they couldn't be here tonight.

Don't get me wrong, pilgrim.

When it comes to westerns, forget it.

We made a picture called Liberty Valance. This guy doesn't know the first

about westerns. First day on the set, he comes to me and he says, Duke, is it

true the harder you pull a trigger, the further the bullet will go?

Jimmy, here's somebody who is here tonight.

Now, Jimmy and I first started out in pictures together.

We were roommates.

Back in those days, we were so poor. Well, I remember one Christmas, all we

left to eat was a large jar of aspirin.

It didn't fill us up, but I'll tell you one thing. I haven't had a headache in

over 37 years.

with John Wayne because I think some of Jimmy Stewart's best moments on the

screen, westerns. I mean, particularly when he's pursuing somebody like Dan

Duryea or Stephen McNally, you know, or Robert Ryan, you know, when he kind of

comes up with them and goes, all right, all right, hold it, hold it, hold it,

hold it right there, mister, hold it, hold it.

Now, pay attention to this. You could learn something here.

Keep your hands where I can see them. Keep them up there. Keep them up.

That's good.

That's good. That's fine.

Arnett Jett is one of the most familiar faces in show business. He's been in

many movies, appeared in a lot of Broadway plays, but you know him best as

loneliest washer repairman in town.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.

Maytag, Jesse White.

I'm really very flattered to be here at this wonderful tribute to my dear

friend, Jimmy Stewart.

We've been friends for over 35 years.

And the amazing thing is that he still looks the same.

Old.

The ironic thing is that our backgrounds are so different.

I grew up in the rough part of Akron, Ohio.

But Jimmy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.

And he talks like it's still there.

At the time, we were rehearsing that wonderful Broadway play, Harvey.

Dean, I don't know if you saw that play, but Harvey was an invisible rabbit.

You kidding? I just saw him last night.

Jimmy was a big hit, one of the biggest hits in the history of the theater, and

Jimmy and I had a lot of fun on the road.

Even then, Jimmy was very easygoing and very generous, and people really took

advantage of him.

One night, Jimmy gave a bellhop a $100 bill and said to bring us a couple of

hamburgers and get something for yourself.

Kid came back with the food, and Jimmy asked for his... ...for myself.

I got a wristwatch.

Jimmy, I'll never forget how nice you were about that.

He said to the bellhop, Would you mind if I call you once in a while and ask

what time it is?

I'm going to say something, and I mean it really from the bottom of my heart.

You were responsible for bringing me out to Hollywood when we did the Harvey

movie.

And you're really one of the nicest guys I've ever had the pleasure of working

with in our business.

And I say this very sincerely.

If at any time your Maytag needs fixing, call Sears.

Prizes on the NBC network this year is CPO Sharky. The shows have been

consistently funny.

It's gaining in popularity and is a big hit on NBC this season. One of the

reasons for that is the star of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to

world of hostility and abuse, Mr. Don Rickles.

I see a great Jimmy Stewart here.

I just wonder how long he'll be able to stay awake.

There are so many great stars here to honor you. By the way, thank you, Dean,

for your kind words.

You've always been a good friend to me, and I appreciate it.

Really no Frank Sinatra, huh?

I mentioned your name to him the other day, and he just drove right over my

face.

You know, some of the great people, as you can see, sitting on our day is the

lovely June Allison.

There you are, June. You're booted up at 83.

Wanda Page, it's so good to see you. They have you on most of the rows

somebody has to dust the table.

Saw Red Fox the other day just standing on the corner going, I'm Red Fox.

Trying to pass himself off as a mulatto fighter pilot.

Ruth Buzzy, I've said this time and time again.

Surgery. Definite surgery.

You're the only woman I know that doesn't need the face fixed. The arms

Bad arms.

Keeps stooping over looking for bananas.

George Burns.

Some 80 odd years young.

Sits in his little car saying to little girls in the park, I am George Burns.

You're going to be put in a home, George.

Starting to annoy little people in the park.

Anyway, some of the great, great stars are here.

Senator Barry Goldwater, the great senator.

Too bad you weren't president, but then you'd have no time to do this.

Tell you, Eddie Albert, what a great actor you are.

I've seen your lovely wife in Fever Zapata just laying around the rocks

tacos.

And, of course, Henry Fonda. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.

You were so great when Tyrone Power and you just jumped on your horse and went

right through the window trying to get out of Missouri.

It's all over, though, Hank.

Lucille Ball, who's set to Gary Morton.

to his wife, Nancy.

Where did you get this?

Well, once again, it's my great pleasure to present the giant in the

entertainment field, a man who never fails to give these roasts a touch of

class. Ladies and gentlemen, my dear friend, Mr.

Weston Welk.

Thank you very much.

It's always a pleasure to be back in one of these celebrity roasts of yours

where a gang of jolly, fun -loving people get together to use charm, wit,

humor for one shining purpose, to destroy another human being.

I see nothing much has changed since my last appearance on this dais.

Milton Berle is still looking around and jotting down everybody's jokes.

I see Senator Goldwater sitting there, still trying to dream up a way to keep

the Panama Canal in American hands.

This evening we're assembled to honor Jimmy Stewart, who is not only a fine

actor, but whose very image as a man seems to be typical of all that America

used to stand for.

and I say used to, because today's screen heroes are a far cry from that

non -violent fellow Jimmy has been portraying throughout his long and

career.

Just to show you what I mean, let's look at some of today's leading men.

I saw Charles Bronson in a movie recently.

where Charles, certainly a fine actor, nearly playing what the public wants him

to play, grabbed a beautiful girl, pulled her out of a room, belted her in

chops, and threw her down three flights of stairs.

And this was the love scene.

Jimmy may have hemmed and hawed, but he never hit.

And Burt Reynolds, one of the very best of our newer stars.

When he plays the cop, he jumps into his cruiser car, drives 100 miles an hour,

firing away with a submachine gun, smashing and crashing 50 cars, buses and

trucks on the way, just so when he catches the guy, he can give him a

for blowing his horn in a hospital door.

That's what's happening on the silver screen today.

By now we can see how much we needed that soft -spoken, shy,

Kind -hearted fellow that Jimmy Stewart plays.

No brutality for Jimmy, no sir.

And as for mindless violence, why, even in Jimmy's picture called The FBI Story,

which sounds like a perfect excuse for gunfire, car smashing, well, Jimmy did

the decent way in one scene while he was chasing John Dillinger, that notorious

criminal.

had a flat tire on his sedan, and instead of smashing into Dillinger,

out of his car, looked the villain straight in the eye, and fixed the flat.

Jimmy, to use a metaphor, the movie industry is, well, it's sometimes called

jungle, but I think it's a forest.

A forest made up of a million different plants and trees and shrubs.

And some of these plants have a brief day in the sun. They flower quickly,

but they can't seem to sustain, so they wither away.

Hollywood has seen a lot of these.

But a career like yours, Jimmy, is an evergreen.

Rain or shine, it keeps growing because it has a kind of beauty and purpose that

will never die.

That's what we've always seen in you, something that will be here when all the

fads and fancies are long gone.

As an image, Jimmy Stewart is indelible.

As an actor, well, I saw him on the stage in New York long before he went to

Hollywood, well, long before Hollywood got him.

No, that's not, that's wrong.

Hollywood never got Jimmy Stewart.

He was the conqueror.

He was and is superb.

And I use that word very carefully.

I pause for a parenthesis.

I am the only actor on this podium who has not attempted to imitate you, Jimmy,

because in my view, that's all we can do.

And now it's my pleasure to present our man of the hour.

When you think about Jimmy Stewart, you think about two words.

Feeling good.

Because Jimmy has left America feeling good for a long time.

There are many performers in this business that we like.

Jimmy is one of the rare ones that we love.

He's got that certain honest and straightforward way that lets you know

of us.

And this is reflected in the way he's lived.

A heroic career in the service of his country, a wonderful family man,

a concerned citizen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so proud to have for a pal our man of the hour.

A great American, Mr. Jimmy Stewart.

Before I get started with this sort of answering the roast type thing, I've

sort of been overcome by this last few minutes here. So I just am

bound to say this.

I'm very proud of what you said,

Orson, and I'm very grateful to you.

And I'll always be grateful.

It was wonderful of you to choose this time to say it, and I'll never forget

it. Thank you.

And Dean, also with you, you kind of

read it all right and everything, and it seemed...

It seemed very nice, and I just want you to know that I appreciate it. And I'm

very grateful to you for the things you said, and thank you. Now, about

this roast here.

When I, Dean first invited me to appear at this.

As guest of honor on this roast, I said, all right, now I'll do it on one

condition, that the evening should be conducted with a level of taste and

propriety. And Dean said, well, don't worry about that.

It'll be a cultural dance.

So far this evening has been as cultural as looking at the famous gold mask of

King Tut and finding the words made in Japan.

I'm grateful, and I'm grateful that you all came, particularly some of my old

friends. I like Eddie Albert.

Right now, Eddie is one of the hottest actors in Hollywood. His good looks and

his talents are opening doors, and every big producer in town wants to hire him.

Unfortunately, I'm talking about his son, Eddie Albers Jr.

I don't know. Maybe if I was you, maybe I'd kind of forget about green

acres and maybe start thinking a little bit about green pastures.

Nicky Rooney, lovable little leprechaun. I tell you, he

really got away with women. It's expensive, but it's a way.

Wait a minute.

Dean, I can't go on with this. All these insults and sarcastic remarks.

I just...

Would it be possible, could you stand up and sort of help me with this thing? I

don't... Would you?

Okay, anything you say, I'll try.

The insurance company isn't watching because my policy says I'm not covered

standing. Anyway,

I guess I'll just thank my friends and then you can zing them from there.

Like, remember the famous words of Billy Graham who once said, if the good Lord

meant for us to walk around in the nude, he'd have never created Ruth Buzzy.

Never.

That's exactly what I had in mind.

I could never have said that Miss Buzzy was frightening, no matter how I

believed.

It's nice seeing you here, Red.

Dean. Well, I'll tell you.

Red's the only man I know who ever went to the Salvation Army and never got a

dinner.

Not only that, he once went to a house of ill repute and never got a sinner.

is when your hitman's an Italian.

Senator Goldwater, I'm honored by your presence.

The senator is a great believer in solar energy.

He just hired Farrah Fawcett to sit on his roof.

Burns is amazing, isn't he? Even though he's in his 80s, he thinks young.

It's true. Who else would spray Brute on his polygrip?

And, of course, I never get tired of Rich Little.

He does such wonderful impressions.

Well, he's been doing Richard Nixon so long, last night he erased 18 minutes

of his act.

I've always thought LaWanda Page was funny.

She attacks sort of like Don Rickles.

Well, if this country does give up the Panama Canal, Preston Carter is thinking

of using LaWanda Page's mouth as an alternate route.

And it's a nice saying, Jess White, you know, we toured Harvey together, and of

course all of you.

Norm from his Maytag commercials.

Dean? He's the only man I know who ever had a romantic relationship with a

washer and a dryer.

Well, hardly anybody can match Henry Fonda's contribution to the motion

industry and the theater.

Dean?

Yeah, when he checked in last night and was walking through the lobby, all the

people were pointing at him saying,

There goes Jane Faulkner's father.

Well, it's so good to see Lucille Ball here.

Hi, I'm Jane. She's not really here.

This is a rerun.

I always loved that gorgeous red hair.

I often wonder if that red hair is her natural color. I guess it would take

Haley to find her real roots, huh?

I think you can handle Foster Brooks without any problems, Dave.

Oh, well, poor Foster.

He can't even call up Alcoholic Anonymous anymore. His breath melts the

I watched Tony Randall on his new show, and he's very good as a judge, Dave.

Yeah, last week on his show, he said to a woman attorney, I'd like to see your

briefs.

are very strong for women's equality.

They're all wrong about women being equal to men.

I'm sorry, but I just can't look at Raquel Welch as just another one of

guys.

Will you help me out to say something? Sure, yeah.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen,

Thank you. Thank you very much, Dean.

Good night, everybody.