Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers. They've

come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in person,

joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour.

Jack Clarkman.

Tonight's guests,

Connie Stevens, Tony Randall, Dick Martin, LaWanda Page,

Don Rickles, Joan Bishop, Katherine Hellman, Robert

Guillaume, Milton Berle, Abby Lane, Phyllis Dillard.

Red Button, Foster Brooks, Dr. Joyce Brother, and your

host master, Gene Martin.

With tonight's man of the hour, Jack Pugman.

Good night.

We are all... gathered at my pal Kirk Corian's beautiful MGM Hotel in Las

to honor Jack Klugman. Now, this should be a great evening. For one thing, I

sobered up yesterday, and NBC is gonna show it as a big event.

Though Jack has appeared on Broadway, television, and motion pictures, he is

most underrated talent in show business, and deservedly so.

But it is with great sincerity that I say I don't know of any other actor in

business that could touch him or want to.

Our guest of honor was born in the city of Philadelphia.

Now, it's not easy growing up in Philadelphia.

Crime there is so bad that if you're not home by 9 o 'clock, your wife can have

you declared legally dead.

He's still a degenerate gambler.

The other day at the racetrack, we were both eating a hot dog.

He said to me, I'll bet I'll beat you by half a length.

He picked seven horses for me that day, and they all lost.

I finally picked the winner in the eighth.

But my horse was disqualified for having a battery under the saddle.

Personally, I believe the jockey's story.

He said the horse was hard of hearing.

Jack!

Something occurred to me while I was watching Quincy, you know, your show,

other night.

You don't know how to choose your rolls.

If you're going to play a doctor, why didn't you become a gynecologist?

Milton Bell is known as Mr.

Television. Milton's the man of a million jokes.

All of them belong to other people.

I'm only kidding.

This is the man that started it on vaudeville and on TV.

My good buddy, Mr. Milton.

Thank

you.

Gino, thank you very, very much. Your monologue was never funnier.

It's a shame.

He's a beautiful man.

He gave him a cigarette lighter for his birthday, drank the whole thing down in

one gulp.

Jack Klugman fans and any other minority groups that are watching.

I can be here for Jack.

Nice.

Personally, I'd rather spend two weeks locked in an attic with Chuck Barris.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to praise Jack Klugman, not to bury

him. Of course, the vote was very close.

How did they ever make you a medical examiner? Fine, doctor. One day I saw

spill Vaseline.

This is ridiculous.

Klugman, a doctor. That does not make sense.

Now, Dr.

David Rubin. Now, there is a doctor. You all remember him. He wrote that book,

Everything You Want to Know About Sex.

But he left out the most important thing.

Where to get it?

I asked Mr. Johnson.

Now, they're legitimate doctors.

I remember in their book they said that 67 % of women have extramarital

relations.

That's not good enough for me.

I've got to have names.

All right, now take another doctor, the great Dr.

DeBakey. Now, he says that normal sex is safe after a heart attack.

Personally, I think it would be best to wait an hour or two.

Connie Stevens is gorgeous. She is no stranger to Vegas.

She spent a lot of years here playing in the big hotels.

Not in the showrooms, just playing in the hotels.

Who I've known for many years, and may I say, he's never changed, which is a big

savings on his laundry.

You be sure to look in on NBC on

March 26th. They're giving a big tribute to Mr. Burrell, and I tell you, he

deserves one.

Now I'd like to introduce a very talented lady who plays Mrs. Jessica

the popular television show Soap. Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome Miss

Catherine Hellman.

I know that gentleman over there that escorted me up to the dance. Oh, that's

Milton Berle.

Oh, Milton Berle.

Yes.

I've never heard of him. What did he do?

Uncle Miltie?

He had the biggest show in the history of television.

He was Mr.

Tuesday Night.

Isn't that a coincidence? I mean, my husband on soap also was Mr. Tuesday.

Our shows are really very

different because, I mean, on your show, you know, it's a whodunit.

But, of course, on soap, everybody's done it.

It's such a thrill for me to be here because, you know, this is my very first

time ever to be in Las Vegas.

And I guess this is the right place to roast Mr. Klugman because, you see, I

heard at one time he was a very heavy gambler. And I'm very happy to say that

that's all over now.

And he joined, of course, Gamblers Anonymous, but he switched to Gamblers

That way he could still gamble under somebody else's name.

You know, the thing that I like most about Las Vegas is that it's such a

town. I saw this beautiful young girl about 20 years old and she was with her

grandfather.

He was so sweet to her. He gave her a hundred dollar bill and she wasn't even

gambling.

Wandering around the casino and...

Mr. Martin came along.

He's such a gallant gentleman. He offered to buy me a drink, and he even

to let me see his room.

As a matter of fact, he offered about 12 times.

And finally, he said to me, well, at least come up for a nightcap.

And I said, oh, well, I'd love to, but I never wear anything on my head when I

sleep.

He told me to keep his room anyway, just, you know, in case I changed my

But I went to see Tom Jones instead.

Oh,

what a great act he had.

Except, at the end, all the women started throwing keys up on the stage.

well, I had left my key, you know, at the desk, so I just threw Mr.

Martin's key up there.

Was that a nice surprise when Tom Jones came to your room at 3 a .m.? Oh,

darling, that room.

Mine is just beautiful. It's so elegant.

Except they gave me a room that has a mirror in the ceiling over the bed.

And I was very upset. Do you know it took me over an hour to get dressed flat

my back?

Whoa.

My next guest is half a comedy team. Don't. It's Jerry.

Oh, as half of the comedy team of Rowan and Martin. You scared the hell out of

me, man.

The guys who put the laughs in laughing.

Now, you know, Rowan and Martin.

He and Dan Rowan were partners for the past 27 years.

Now, Dan's doing real well as a sportscaster in Florida, and his buddy

Martin has a whole new career as a director.

Mr. Dick Martin, the director.

Thank you very much. I'd like to start by saying that Jack, is one of the

kindest men I've ever met. He's intelligent, warm, witty, and a very

friend. And I'd like... I don't know you well enough to hold him.

You're supposed to insult the guest.

I can't do that. Jack's a sweet man.

In order to insult somebody, you've got to know something about them that has

weaknesses, flaws, obvious faults.

Yeah, I could insult you.

Yeah, come here, come here.

You have faults. What about your gambling?

I don't gamble anymore.

The last time I was in the casino, I lost $50.

Oh.

She gave me the wrong room key.

Why,

must we?

Yeah. Now say something insulting about him.

Like he's sloppy or something, you know.

Well, how sloppy is he?

He's so sloppy, his clothes came back from the laundry marked rejected.

has done some wonderful things in his career.

In his career?

He's starting to talk like me.

All right, if you want me to insult him, there you are.

Don't. Dean, come here. If you want me to insult Jack Pluckman, tell me

something about him.

Give me a for instance.

Well, he comes from Philadelphia.

Philadelphia, what a... Oh!

That's wild. I used to date a girl. in Philadelphia.

As a matter of fact, they named a street after her.

What street is that? Broad Street.

You know, that's a coincidence.

Because I once dated a girl from a Caribbean island or a Caribbean island.

Either one you want to use. Jamaica?

I don't know. I hardly knew her.

Has his footprint in cement outside Grumman's Chinese Theater. I didn't know

that. Hmm.

Yeah, he was sitting on the curb. Yeah. And a bus ran over his feet.

Let's go back to the girls.

Oh, you can think of... Well, of course. I always have a beautiful girl on the

string.

The one you were with last night should have been on a leash.

Now, come on, give me a good reason. Well, I don't know what to tell you.

Jack's a man's man.

Well, don't let Anita Bryant find out.

Suppose you come home late at night. Yeah. You get in bed with your wife.

And there lying next to her is Jack Clarkman. Mm -hmm. What would you say to

then?

Good night, Jack.

Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, my pal, Red Rotten. Red Rotten!

Ladies and

gentlemen,

the question tonight is... Why are we giving this slob dinner?

Amen!

Who has it in his will that when he goes, he wants to be cremated and the

thrown into Tony Randall's face?

Why then I repeat and reiterate, are we giving this cart -carrying

slob a dinner when some of the biggest people in the history of the world

never got a dinner?

Adam.

Adam, who said to Eve in the Garden of Eden, of all the people I know, I like

you best.

Dracula, who said when they drove a stake through his heart.

the clinches.

That's Congressman Hayes who said if I am elected again, I will hire a typist.

William of Orleans who said on his wedding night, now that's what I call a

naval.

when she saw the snakes growing out of her head. Look, Ma, Phyllis Diller.

Alex Haley, the author of Roots, who traced this family all

the way back to the rear of the bus.

Maurice.

The inventor of the Xerox machine.

Who said to his wife, Zelda?

Zelda Xerox.

It's easy.

If you want another baby, make a copy of Oiling.

I've never got a dinner, but it's a man that's a dinner.

Anwar Sadat.

who set the Menachem Begin in Cairo. No, that's not a camel.

That's Dolly Parton lying on her back.

Mr. Jones.

Here we are in Las Vegas.

I just heard a conversation at the casino. I couldn't believe what I heard.

Two guys talking. One guy says, how you doing here?

The other guy says, one day I win, one day I lose. The other guy says, don't be

stupid. Play every other day.

All of them came here for one purpose, to honor you tonight.

And that should be a thrill for two kids from South Philadelphia.

Phyllis Diller, who left intensive care to be here.

Dr. George Butters, who gave us off the wrong advice and showed up.

Wilton Burrell, who gave up the gong show.

As a contestant to be here.

And Red Buttons, who gave up the dinner.

Just to be here. Indeed, God bless him. He walked all the way from his dressing

room just to be here, Tom.

You look presentable. Your eyes are clear. What are you drinking, Windex?

Jeff has become kind of a regular on our show because she is a real funny lady

and I love her. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lawanda Payne.

I didn't intend to be on here today for Jack Fletman.

But I was in Las Vegas all last week, and as long as I was on the losing

I figured I might as well show up again.

But, Dr. Honey, you sure are one hokey -honkey.

I remember the show when they brought in this guy with a knife in him, and you

said he died of natural causes.

There's really something else.

Before a date, honey, she puts on a wig, false eyelashes, padded brow, support

stockings, arch support.

Then she tell you she's looking for a real man.

You get out of my face, Jerry Bishop.

Mr. Clark, why aren't you doing autopsy on him?

his personality passed away.

Click that grinning buck -toothed girl.

You said with my lips I could give the Grand Canyon mouth -to -mouth

resuscitation.

holding a stethoscope to a man's chest.

You wasn't listening to his heart.

You were getting the race results on his pocket radio.

Remember the time you brought in a soul brother?

He was in bad way.

But you kept him alive until his welfare check came in.

If I were you, Mr. Clutton, I wouldn't take playing coroner too seriously.

Because you're going to get into some real trouble.

Just the other day I saw you lift a sheet, and it was so embarrassing.

Because it was on an Arab in a department store.

During his lean years in New York City, Jack Klugman had a secret source of

income.

Here to tell you the tragic story is the secret source herself.

The generous... Oh, here goes my head again.

Gladys Ormfeet.

Oh, dear me.

This man, he had just come off the streets of Philadelphia to New York

broke, struggling, and I felt sorry for him. A starving actor.

So I took him to my bosom.

take a saliva test.

I knew all along that Klugman was using me, but like a fool, I didn't care.

I gave him whatever he wanted.

I offered him my jewels, my money, even my body.

He should have taken the first two.

You can laugh at me, Martha, but I'm a real woman. There's nothing false about

me.

demands and threats.

But he ain't taking them. He's giving them. He's a regular cute guy with a

delivery all his own. I know you're going to enjoy Robert Gill.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much too,

You probably don't remember me, but...

I tended bar one night at your house.

Man, I never saw such action in all my life.

Ice cubes, ice buckets, ice tongs, bourbon. I must have served a thousand

drinks, and you were the only one there.

For those of you who watch soap, you know me. I play Benson the butler to a

house full of fools.

The wife fools with this one, the husband fools with that one, and there

another fool than me.

I'm Mr.

Jack Clubman.

I'll tell you how I first met him.

One time he put an ad in the paper for a houseman, a houseboy.

And like a fool, I went and answered it. I wasn't too happy about the job title,

but I went anyway.

And let me tell you, he wanted somebody to help him around the house.

Yeah, I never thought such a house in my life.

That man had swept so much dirt under the rug, it was an uphill walk to the

kitchen.

You never saw such a messy place in your life.

Well, I guess I shouldn't complain too much. It could have been worse.

At least I never had to do the windows.

I looked for them.

Whenever my friends would complain about the terrible living conditions in the

ghetto, I'd just run them through Jack's place. That'd cool them right out.

You know something else?

Jack's friends are all as sloppy as he is.

I still remember how they used to sit around the dining room table covered

all kinds of food stains, spattered with gravy, and I hadn't even served dinner

yet.

And the dust.

Klugman's house was so full of dust, one night I was serving a chicken and it

coughed.

Look at, look at that face. Look at it, look at it. Look at that face.

You ever seen anything like that?

Even if he was black. Jackie wouldn't be beautiful.

I just want to say one more thing, Jack.

Everybody knows how much you love the racehorses. And I can see why they say

you're such a great handicapper. Because in my whole life, I never met a man

who's got more handicaps than you do.

We now have a special surprise. A woman who was a neighbor of Jack Klugman while

he was growing up.

She practically raised him.

Here from apartment 3B on Walnut Street in Philadelphia is Mrs.

Catherine Kearney.

Thank you, Jack. Thank you. Oh, my goodness. Look, the years have been good

to you, Jack.

Well done.

You look better now than you did in Philadelphia.

Oh, Jack, it must be the makeup they use on television.

It changes your appearance.

I'm Dean Martin.

You changed your name, too.

I guess a lot of people in show business do that, huh?

That's Jack Klugman.

Jack. Jackie, oh, forgive me. Oh, Jackie, I haven't seen you in such

a long time.

Even when I watch Quincy, I never see your face. You're down in the morgue

your head under the sheet.

He always looks like a motel manager telling the couple the hour is up.

Oh, excuse me if I'm all filled with emotion, but...

You know, I almost raised this boy. His mother found him very difficult to

handle. He was such a rotten kid.

So I felt sorry for the mother, and I helped out. I practically raised him.

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy.

He was not an easy boy to bring up. He was never good in school.

As a matter of fact, they wanted to excel him.

But if you're never in school, how can you get expelled?

Isn't that true, Mr. Martin? I never had any trouble in school.

I was a monitor. I used to empty the inkwell.

You know, the worst tasting stuff I ever had.

Listen, Mr. Martin.

Jack only gave me a ticket on the plane for one way. Could you get me on Let's

Make a Deal? Maybe I'll win a trip back to Philadelphia.

I'll be leaving after the refreshments. Goodbye, Jack.

I'm sure you all recognize this.

Jack is not only a beautiful and talented singer, she's a wonderful

well. Please welcome the lovely Miss Connie Stevens.

Hi, everybody.

When I was invited to appear on this day, I got a biography of Jack from the

producers of his show, Quincy.

Surprise. First of all, it's a good enough biography, but I'd like to supply

some little -known facts about our guest of honor as I go along.

First of all, it says here, Jack Plugman was born in Philadelphia. Now, you all

know that is true.

And you'd be very surprised how well Jack is remembered in his old

too. Just the mention of his name, people's faces, they just break out into

great big yawn.

In interest of honesty, I went to Philadelphia and checked a couple of

things out.

While I was there, I asked some of his old teachers, was Jack really an A

student? They said yes.

He was A dope, A bum, and A loud.

It says here Jack Klugman is also one of America's ten best -dressed men.

Totally false.

He is not a good dresser.

He's not very neat at all. You can see the way he looks when he gets home at

night. Shirt all wrinkled, hair messy, stained face, face dirty,

stained ties, just the way he left in the morning.

In fact, Jack could clean up a room just by leaving it.

The patient, sensitive, cultured intellectual who managed to survive five

with our guest of honor, the next half of the odd couple, Tony Randall.

I'm sorry if I seem angry, but I've been sitting under this dais.

Listening to the opprobria, the contempt with which my former beloved colleague

has been held.

They've called him a slob.

Jack Klugman listed in the Yellow Pages as slob.

He has been called unkempt slovenly for the table manners of a starving vulture.

And these are the opinions of his friends.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've had dinner with this man many times.

He's lurking.

I will concede that he is a woman

chaser and a gambler.

He's his own worst enemy, which proves he has some sense of value.

There's love in his heart.

He has been criticized for sleeping with his dog.

The scratching all night doesn't bother Jack.

He knows the dog will get used to it sooner or later.

Before I go, there's one more rumor I'd like to put to rest.

Jack puts on a clean pair of socks every day. At the end of the week, he can

hardly get his shoes on.

You know, in a roast.

It's nice to kid around. And I like all the jokes.

And some of them apply and some of them don't. They're all exaggerated.

But I didn't like all the jokes about you not being a good actor. You're a

of an actor.

Any friend of Jack's knows that he loves to play the horses.

With us tonight is a famous breather of thoroughbred horses, the owner of Green

Gate Stables in Kentucky, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Dudley Withers III.

Jack Ludwin.

Finally got a dinner.

However, this racing aficionado... Racing aficionado.

Aficionado.

It's easy for you to say.

That's what he said.

He could have been a great rider, but riding horses always gave him a painful

headache.

For me, it was just the reverse.

Lately, Jack has been so busy with his click -play acting, I haven't been able

to give him a report of our racing business.

I have good news, and I have...

Bad news.

The good news is our six -year -old, our six -year -old mare, mare,

gave birth to a fine little colt. The bad news is she was in the starting gate

at the time.

Jack was pulled on Friday the 13th on South 13th Street, the

13th of 12 children.

and his mother, while walking under a ladder, stumbled over a black cat, broke

mirror, and saw the ghost of Jack's Uncle Max, who wasn't even dead yet.

This sad series of events led to Jack's first nickname, Lucky.

Okay, take my advice and stick to show business.

You know nothing about good breathing.

One of the present surprises on the NBC network this year is CPO Sharky. The

shows have been consistently funny.

It's gaining in popularity and is a big hit on NBC this season. One of the

reasons for that is the star of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to

world of hostility and abuse, Mr. Don Rickles.

What an exciting room.

Jack Klugman.

Why hemorrhoids?

Dull guy.

Real... Real dummy. Jack, take a good look at your face. You need surgery. You

must have ran into a cab on an angle.

You got a lot of big names here tonight.

Some of the greats turned out for you.

Kay Medford, who had a very busy schedule in downtown Hollywood looking

apples.

And Milton, my idol. Still here, Milton.

Wonderful guy.

65 years in the business, huh?

65 years in show business and you don't want to walk away.

It's all over, Milton. Grab a cab.

And of course, Robert Gillum.

actors of our time.

It's good to have you here, Robert.

And good luck in your people's plans to attack Ben Breen's house.

Of course, Phyllis Diller.

When we go on hunt, we run out of animals, we chase her.

And Catherine Hellman.

It's two in a row. She knows Robert.

Soap and does a great job.

Plays a naive wife of a millionaire.

It's a great show, Soap. I use it as a nightlight when the wife wants to take a

move on me.

You're a lovely woman, LaWander. Good luck on your plans to go white.

And you're Connie Stevens.

If Ann -Margaret takes a cab, you'll be hot in this business.

Fun guy, Tony, but you need personality shots.

Anyway, good luck to you, Jack, and your great plans to go busted.

You're a fine actor, a dear friend, and I tell you, you're a guy's guy, and I

love you for that.

And my family loves you, and may you always be blessed with your great

Thank you, Jack.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you all to join me in a salute to a

fella who's still very much alive and living.

And he's always going to be the top ten on television because he's a fine actor,

a wonderful man. He's not a slob. I love him.

Mr. Jack Klugman.

I mean, I don't know what to say.

Nice, real, marvelous thing that you did, traveling up here to Las Vegas to

honor me.

You have so many important things to do back in L .A., like trying to find your

home.

This affair is quite a departure from my Quincy series, because tonight, the

Stips are sitting up.

And Dick Martin, tonight, you made us realize just how much we miss Dan Rowan.

Bruce Buzzy, I know, and Gladys Ormby, I won't monkey around with, because, you

know, her picture is now used on all the vasectomy posters.

And to Robert Guglielmi and Catherine Hellman, I just want to say, who the

are you?

And to Philip Diller, Tony and I owe a great, great deal.

Because it was her chest that inspired The Odd Couple.

And it's nice to see Milton Berle here. He's been around such a long time. I

believe he's the only man who actually played the King Tut.

And of course, my pal Don Rickles. Funny, it's CPO Sharky. I love that.

I love that show because I always wondered what the Bilko show would look

in color and without humor.

Tony Randall.

Dear Tony Randall. Five years, we shared the same spotlight and the same stage

and the same heartbreak and the same triumphs. And after five years, I don't

know you any better than Robert Guglielmi and Captain Hook.

I want to get a little more into the truth for a minute because a lot of

most of the times you ask, I'm asked, would you want your kids to go into show

business? And I always say, why not?

Where else can you meet such wonderful people?

And especially for me, because I enjoy that during the five years, it's not

in retrospect that I spent working with Tony.

You can buy it, find it, feel it or anything. And I want to thank him and

you for tonight. Thank you.