Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Z -Cell Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And the most very special man of the week, Hugh Hefner.

It's really an honor for me to be on the dais. It's an honor because I'm usually

under the dais.

The real success he has is at playboy clubs all over the country, and you've

to give the guy a lot of credit. Actually, he started out with only two

But you know how bunnies multiply.

Now, he was really an American success story. Yet, as a boy, he picked himself

out of the gutter.

Unfortunately, he left his mind there.

I tell you, this guy really leads a swinging life.

I was up to his mansion once, and I saw his bedroom.

He gets so much action, he's got the only waterbed with white caps.

There's been a lot said and written about Hugh, but I'll tell you one thing.

I've been in his company many times, and Hugh is as American as apple pie, and

about as thrilling.

And now I would like to introduce Mr. Billy Baxter, a comedian who comes to us

from England.

Billy?

Baxter.

Thank you very much. Thank you. And it's a

pleasure to be honoring this remarkable gentleman, ladies and gentlemen. This

afternoon I was watching television and I happened to see the movie Patton.

And it occurred to me that General Patton and the entire 7th Army never saw

action that this gentleman has seen.

When his magazine first came out in England, it was a little racy for us,

know, at that particular time. The first issue, they put a zipper on the

flyleaf.

I always remember the centerfold. It was Miss February, a very voluptuous young

lady. And we were rather confused because we always thought February only

28.

Perhaps they said, why did you come to America in the first place? Actually,

it's an interesting story. England's getting a little strange, you know. They

passed a law recently.

making homosexuality legal.

And it was such a success, I thought they were going to make it compulsory.

He also asked me a very strange question. He said, did you celebrate the

July in England this year?

Which, of course, we don't celebrate the 4th of July in England, sir. You know,

we've lost an entire country. There's nothing to celebrate.

Actually, we could never have won the war in the first place when you think of

it for many reasons. I think, number one, We were overdressed.

Little red velvet jackets, knickers, white stockings. I mean, when you look

that, you don't want to fight anybody, do you?

You want to dance with them, you know.

And then we carry that band around with us, you know.

You can't go to war with a band.

How can you have a surprise attack?

You've got a bunch of fellas four miles ahead playing when the saints go

marching in.

Ridiculous. After four days, the enemy was shouting out for requests.

And you knew how to behave when you won a victory because you used psychology.

We didn't, you see. Every time we had a victory, we'd celebrate with tea and

biscuits.

You'd celebrate with booze and broads.

Now, if you're a soldier, what's going to make you fight harder? Knowing if you

win, you're going to get tea and biscuits or booze and broads.

I'd like to introduce Mr. Howard Cosell. Howard's been my friend for a long

time, and there are many reasons for that, mostly bad luck.

You won't believe this, but at first Howard weighed 12 pounds.

His tongue weighed nine.

Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, the man you see every Monday night on

League football, the man with the AstroTurf toupee, Mr. Howard Cosell.

Ladies and gentlemen, an extraordinary moment for all of us, especially for

Dino, to have had the thrill of introducing me in his utterly

Yogi Berra way.

I'll tell you this, Yogi Berra couldn't have done it better, Dean. You are an

utterly amazing man.

He's really something.

He's a man that never had the benefit of a grammar school, high school, or

college education.

but through his own initiative and determination, managed most successfully

remain stupid.

On the other side of the coin, it's always a

pleasure to attend the testimonial for a man who has made a great, a major

contribution to the society.

And someday I may have that pleasure.

I've got to tell you what I do admire about you through all of the years.

The body.

Look at it.

So taut, so tight, so tense, so live, so supple, so agile, so mobile.

Capable of every movement in the chronicle of the male sex.

Many people in this country have been misled.

They remember the centerfold, the classic one, in Cosmopolitan magazine,

they thought they were seeing Burt Reynolds.

Only the face was Burt's, the body was Hugh's.

In Hugh Hefner, we have the honor, tonight, to be honoring, to be roasting,

the biggest nothing I have ever known. Hugh, we are very proud to be here with

you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Audrey Meadow.

Thank you.

It is my honor tonight to make a presentation to Hugh Hefner on behalf of

the women of America.

You know, women have always thought that there was something obscene about their

bodies. And it took Hugh Hefner to show them exactly what it was.

And a lot of people criticize Hugh.

for filling his magazine with photos of nude women. But actually, he only does

it for humanitarian reasons.

He likes to give girls who can't afford clothes a job.

Now, the Women's Liberation Movement claims that Hugh portrays females solely

sex objects.

They say he presents a totally false picture of what a woman is. Well, that's

poppycock. Hugh shows women as they really exist in the mind of every red

-blooded American pervert.

The women of America wish to thank you. Now, for 20 years, you've glorified our

bodies through the art of photography.

So tonight, we would like to return the favor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Gayle.

Dean, I'd like to say you've come a long way from Steubenville when you thought

kung fu was an Italian curse word.

And I don't understand how they could have a roast for a man like this.

I mean, the man is nice. I worked for this man for years in the playboy clubs.

I worked there so many years, I started to recognize the bunnies by their faces.

And he's kind to these girls. This man is kind.

You never see an old bunny because he retires them to a bunny home in

Nevada.

That's right.

He has this home for these girls.

This wonderful man, where he gives them hot chicken soup and shows them color

slides of Big Tippers out of the past.

That's right.

I know a girl who wanted to be a bunny, but unfortunately she... It meant

something to her, but she didn't have the measurements.

So she went to see a doctor about silicone.

But that's right. She couldn't afford it. So she had to sell a putty.

That's right.

This girl was a 40 too long.

And you've got people here. You've got Tom Hall is here.

This country singer.

I know what I've been working those country towns, Tom. I've been in those

towns, baby. Eating them grits.

You believe grits?

It looks like, you know what grits is. You know what grits is? It looks like

farina dipping cement.

That's right. The more you eat, the more it multiplies.

Dick Martin, it's good to see you, Dick.

Smiling like usual.

Stop bugging Dean to team up. He don't need a pot.

I love Dick Martin. He's got a smile. It looks like he's got two sets of uppers

and two sets of lowers.

That's right. If you and Dom DeLuise ever do a show together, you'll blind

states.

Geez, I got some good stuff here tonight.

I didn't think it was going to be this good, Dean.

It looks shaky to me, but I took a shot with it.

Joey Bishop.

It's an effort for you to come out, Joey. He sits by the phone waiting for

Johnny Costner to get sick.

And of course, Howard Coselli, eloquent Howard. 40 million people listen to you,

Howard. 40 million people listen to this man on a Monday night.

Announce a football game.

Unfortunately, it's not the same game they're playing on the field.

I never heard anybody laugh at a game like that in my life.

And his name was a lawyer.

And what a lawyer this man was.

A big day for him was repossessing a Hudson.

This great lawyer.

This man took a traffic ticket, had to reduce the second degree manslaughter.

And I want to say something here. I don't care what these people say about

You're okay in my magazine.

I just have a little thing for you for me. It's a sentimental thing because I

think a lot of you.

You've had fame.

You've had fortune.

You've had girls galore.

But I know when you reach your final hours, you'll still be yelling, Get me

more! Get me more! Get me more! Thank you.

Good boy, good boy. Now I'd like you to meet my old pal and neighbor, a real

funny man, Mr. Dick Martin. I've known him a long time, and I'm happy to say

that I helped make Dick what he is today, a wino.

But Dick is no dummy.

He is one of the only two men in America who knows which one is Roan and which

one is Martin.

There is my buddy, Mr. Dick Martin.

You, Hefner, is a man who found out at an early age that life begins at 40,

26, 36.

You know, usually the recipient of a tribute like this is awarded a scroll or

plaque or something in recognition of the contribution.

Now, you may think I'm fumping, but not really.

That's timing.

That's timing.

But instead of a...

You know that's how I keep it going?

But a lot of your friends here at the dais and other people have contributed

gifts to you, you, that'll add to the decor of your home in Homeby

Hills.

As a matter of fact, the first one in your, the stairway.

You know the stairway there? You know it. You live there, right?

It's a set of stained glass windows.

depicting the scenes from the life of Saul Mineo.

The unlisted and private phone number of Regis Philbin.

Joe Bishop is here tonight, and I'm just going to give him his usual

introduction.

Johnny couldn't be here tonight.

So filling in for him is Mr. Joey Bishop.

I want to tell you how thrilled I am to be here at these auditions.

You happened to come to visit me earlier, and he dropped an address.

And you left this in the dressing room, and I

ran to give it back to you. I want to make sure it was yours.

This is your little address book. You've got 350 names in here, and they're all

guys.

Let us take inventory of what we're doing here tonight. This is very, very

important to me. Now, here are some great publishers, some great men.

We're all here paying tribute to a smut peddler.

We'll honor you. I thought they meant me.

They meant you.

I don't even know this man. I'll give you my word of honor. I met him once,

right at the Playboy Club.

Right? Jackie Gale was the star. And they said to me, you'll come and you'll

honor him. Okay, I said, all right.

Once in Chicago, he was kind enough. I was working at a little place called

Divine Gardens.

It was a big thrill for me because... They didn't have any marquee, nothing.

They had a black wall, and they wrote my name in Banami.

And I was headlining.

And here's the payoff.

The night I opened, it rained, so I got... There was no name there.

And I said, okay, it'd be my pleasure.

You were kind enough then.

Unknown as I was, you said to me, I want you to come to my home. Do you remember

that? Do you remember? If you could just stay awake a few more minutes.

I think...

Do you remember that?

Do you remember me going to your home in Chicago in the Playboy Club? And you

had two cooks, a Chinese cook and a Jewish cook. And you have not lived

you've had Jewish -Chinese heartburn.

Could you please tell me what is it you're looking forward to?

You're kidding.

With Tony Fields?

I just want to sum all of this up by saying, ladies and gentlemen, if you're

familiar with the Roos, you know we only rib someone we're very, very proud and

happy to know. All the things you hear about, you Hefner, are not true. The

boozing with the broads and all, it's not. If they were, you have my word of

honor, they would have thrown them out of the Communist Party years ago.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, this is our man of the week.

Mr. Hugh Hefner. Hugh!

And this is an

evening that I'll never forget.

Though I'm certainly going to try.

It's really kind of a special treat when you come to a roast where the host is

already fried.

But I do want to thank everybody connected with this, for me, rather

evening. Thank you, Joey, Dick, Jackie, Billy, Audrey, Loretta, Tom,

and of course, Humble Howard.

The original deep throat.

Well, all kidding aside, it's been a ball.

And I never really realized it was possible to have as much fun sitting up.

Thank you.

Good night.

Well, that's our show for tonight.

And I want to thank all my wonderful guests and you.

It was indeed a pleasure honoring you this evening.

It was an honor well deserved.

I wish you the best. And if you phone Frank Sinatra, he'll tell you who they

are.

Good night, everybody.

I'm on my way home, Catherine. Warm up to hot chocolate.