Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour presents a special one -hour

roast with tonight's guests, Gene Kelley.

Dean Martin and tonight's very special man of the week, Senator Hubert

Tonight we salute the great Democrat from the state of Minnesota, Senator

Humphrey, a man who has spent a lifetime in politics with an unblemished record.

He never took a bribe, never spied on his opponents or committed any crime.

which is why he's here tonight and not in the White House.

It's true.

Hubert's never been involved in a scandal. In 1968, when he was running

presidency, the Republicans bugged Humphrey's bedroom. When they played

tapes, they fell asleep.

in his father's drugstore in Minnesota, he would never sell anybody Tums because

Tums spelled backwards is smut.

Of course, from the minute Hubert was born, he was destined for politics. The

doctor picked him up, slapped him, and Hubert said, I'm pleased as punch to be

here.

And he hasn't shown his mouth since.

In 1961, Hubert became the house whip.

But the police found out about the house and closed it.

Every time Pat Henry comes on our show, he does better and better. As a matter

of fact, the last time he was on the show, the ushers only caught three

sleeping.

He's going to get it right this time. A real great humorist, Mr. Pat Henry.

How's it going, Senator Humphrey, ladies and gentlemen? I usually don't get on

this late in the program.

But, Senator, it's an honor to be on the same days with you, because I just got

back from Washington, and it's a pleasure to talk into a microphone you

And, Senator, I thought you might like to know that tonight, after the show,

your speech goes right into the paper shredder anyhow.

I happen to be one of Hubert Humphrey's biggest fans.

And I know he's a very dedicated man. For 30 years in Washington, he's done

work of two men, Laurel and Hardy.

And so it's true. He's always felt that politics is a lot like sex.

You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.

around Washington, D .C. for over 30 years. He knows that politics has its

and downs.

Let's face it, one week you're on the cover of Time, the next week you're

it.

And I've got a new question, folks. I heard from the grapevine that, once

Hubert Humphrey is preparing to run for president.

He's calling it Preparation H.

Remember this, Senator. If you decide to run, I'm betting on you providing

Willie Shoemaker rides you.

I'll see you up in Las Vegas.

I'll be opening at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas on December 5th.

It's brand new, and it's the most beautiful hotel in the world.

What I like about it is that it's got 31 bars, and they're all within staggering

distance of each other.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey Russell.

If the world is seeking

a leader,

Wise, courageous, and true.

Remember, any man who can say he is boss in his home will lie about other

things, too.

I have no way to disparage our guest of honor, Humpty.

formidable tribulations. Do you know that his wife has not spoken to him in

than a year?

They're not angry, she just doesn't want to interrupt him.

We are not loath to concede that the man is at times a bit verbose, but did you

ever analyze the profundity of his observations?

I heard him speak. He said, we must not dissipate our energies chasing

happiness. He said, we must learn to triumph.

Over despair.

I said, Senator, what is despair?

He said, despair is seeing your lawyer go to jail.

He said, despair is seeing your karate instructor get beat up by a hairdresser.

He said, despair is having somebody steal your watchdog.

He said, despair is seeing your psychiatrist coming out of a fortune

tent.

circumstances being a senator.

I was talking about it to our new civic leader. You've got to meet him. He's a

truly honest man held in the loftiest esteem by everybody in the black

neighborhood. His name is Amos Carr.

He deals in reconditioned plumbing supplies.

to male chauvinism. He believes that women are equal and that those who are

equal should wear a corrective bra.

So I say to you, Senator, don't let failure defeat you. Don't bow your head

shame. If you can't succeed, be smart enough to find somebody else to blame.

Ladies and gentlemen, a true talent and a great guy, Mr. Gene Kelly.

It has been said that the Vice President of the United States

is nothing but a figurehead, a useless and meaningless job.

But I say that's not so. And to prove my point, I went to Senator Humphrey's

lovely wife, Muriel, and I asked her about the senator's activities when he

vice president under Lyndon Johnson.

She even gave me her husband's personal diary that he kept when he was VP.

And I'm going to read a page, just a page, just a little page out of that

describing a typical day in the life of Vice President Humphrey.

Let's see, at 2 o 'clock, here we are. 6 .30 a .m., woke up and had breakfast

with a little woman.

7 o 'clock, returned home to the wife.

7 .30, collected my thoughts.

7 .31, took nap from mental strain.

8 .15, arrived at the White House. 8 .20, showed I .D. to security guard.

Spoke to Women's League of Voters denouncing pornography.

Three o 'clock, met with Ed Muskie at the Pussycat Theater.

At ten o 'clock, arrived home and turned on the Dean Martin Comedy Hour, my

favorite program.

I admire Dean because he's the only man in America who works less for his money

than I do.

Our next guest is one of the immortals of baseball.

His courtesy and gentleness in the ballpark is a legend, like the one about

earth being flat.

Ladies and gentlemen, a great player and a great manager, Mr. Leo DeRose.

Thank you, Dean.

Well, Hubert Humphrey has always been a good loser.

In Hubie's case, it was really tough being a good loser because the guy that

turned out to be such a sore winner.

But, Hubert, look at it this way.

You finally ended up with a majority. The world is full of losers.

And not just in sports and politics.

What is a loser?

A loser is a guy, if it was raining soup, he'd be standing there with a

A loser is a guy who traded in a Zetzel for a Corvair.

A guy who goes to a massage parlor and really ends up with a massage.

A loser is a guy who opens a bar in Watts and calls it Whitey's

Place.

A guy who goes to see Deep Throat and gets a seat behind Will Chamberlain.

whose doctor finds out that you've been fooling around with his wife, just as

he's about to give you a bisectomy.

And these years, a married man who is checking out of a motel with a secretary

and discovers the desk clerk is Alan Fudd, and he's been on camera.

A long time ago, I said that nice guys finish last.

Well, listen, Hubie, if you ever decide to run again, maybe I can give you some

lessons on how to be a nasty winner from Charlie Finley.

You know,

Audrey looks a lot like her sister Jane Meadows.

And many people have trouble telling them apart. In fact, I understand Audrey

has a tattoo on her chest that reads, Stop, Steve. I'm Audrey.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely and talented Audrey Meadows.

Thank you, darling.

You know, I've always been a great admirer of Senator Humphrey.

and I've really known him quite well over the years, though I have not seen

too much lately in Washington as I used to since he changed his Senate office.

In fact, I understand that he moved his desk into the washroom.

He claimed it was the only place where the Senators knew what they were doing.

had those kind of new and innovative ideas.

And in as much as we're honoring him tonight, I think it would be well to

a few of his outstanding legislative contributions.

For instance, he was the first senator to introduce a bill making the United

States a member nation in the International House of Pancakes.

Anyway, in later years, when he was on the farm, he heard himself lifting a

of hay.

And he immediately came out for agricultural support.

And recently, after celebrating his 35th wedding anniversary, his wife Muriel

urged him to do something about the energy crisis.

I'd like to tell you sincerely how much I really admire this man.

Hubert is really all heart.

Well, maybe only 20 % heart.

I think the rest of it is hamburger helper.

The man who has gotten more mileage out of his Twitter than Lana Turner, Mr.

Mort Thaw.

A week from tonight on NBC, there'll be a special starring Senator Weicker.

They're awards. They're called the most corrupt administration in history

awards. And the nominees are the

Warren G. Harding administration and the Nixon administration.

May I have the envelope, please?

What's in the envelope?

$173 ,000.

At any rate, Senator Humphrey, as I recall, one of the important things is

that you've maintained the consistency, which I've always admired, of party

unity. This goes all the way back to, as you recall, a great sense of history,

back to the Eisenhower administration.

I remember when Hubert Humphrey was the only man in the Senate who stood up and

asked that integration be forcefully brought about by General Eisenhower, who

was then president.

going to Arkansas and taking a black girl by the hand and leading her into

of the schools. General Eisenhower called in Senator Humphrey and said,

a problem here of policy. I don't know whether or not to use an overlapping

grip. You may recall that.

At any rate, to return to my point, when he worked for

the late Lyndon Johnson, Senator Humphrey, one of his jobs was to be

the White House.

You may recall he'd meet people at the door and he'd say such things as,

You know, appropriate things. It certainly is a beautiful day, just as

Johnson promised.

You remember that?

You know, Senator Humphrey has had some differences with President Nixon.

Although, as I say, he's interested in unity in both parties.

And President Nixon, of course, Senator Humphrey was interested when he ran for

the presidency in our economy, which we're still interested in.

And he sent Richard Nixon a sign for his desk, which reads, the half a buck

stops here.

At least that's what it was this morning. It's about 44 cents as of now.

We're bringing it up to date.

And, of course, President Nixon stood on his platform, which was to get the

prisoners out. That was the big thing. And, as you know, he got two out, Jimmy

Hoffa and Bobby Baker.

I wore a bracelet for Hoffa.

A lot of Dean thought I had our.

Senator Humphrey in Washington in his office when he was vice president. And

said to me, I asked him about Richard Nixon. I said, what's he really like? I

mean, is it true? The rumors we've heard. He said, well, what have you

I said, well, I understood he was born in Whittier, California, 60 years ago in

a log cabin, in a blue suit.

It was considered a medical miracle 60 years ago.

And he said, no, it's not so realistic, Senator Humphrey said.

Richard Nixon is the kind of man, in his words, who, if you were drowning 20

feet from shore, would throw you a 15 -foot rope.

And then Henry Kissinger would go on the three networks and point out that

Richard Nixon had met you more than halfway.

What? You really think I read those cards?

Yes, I memorize all that. I don't read them. This is all memorized. Our next

guest is one of the stars of Mary Tyler Moore's show.

See, I don't look at the cards at all.

We invited Ted here because he is a politically activist and a humanitarian.

I don't know those cards.

Only last night he spoke at a dinner where they raised money to buy a

for the city of Beverly Hills.

Ladies and gentlemen, a most talented man, Mr. Ted Knight.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

You know, in my business, I'm often called upon to speak about someone or

something I know nothing about.

And that happens to be the case tonight.

Tell you the truth, though, I'm a little surprised to see Hubert Humphrey here.

They told me it was going to be somebody important.

Just shows you how they cross wires, don't you?

Last time I appeared, what I thought was going to be a testimonial for a

politician, it turned out to be a telethon for irregularity.

However, it doesn't always work out that way.

To deal with this, I've written a speech that I can deliver anywhere, anytime,

to any group.

It's so general, it almost sounds as though I know what I'm talking about.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Or vice versa, as the case may be.

In lieu of the regular speaker who was unable to be with you due to not being

here, I'd like to say a few words before I go any further.

Those of you who are here tonight will remember how well the last occasion went

over. I wasn't here myself, so I don't remember, but I understand that a lot of

you weren't here tonight, were there that night, and remember, and vice

You were extremely fortunate, I might add, in your choice of an honored guest.

I know of no other man or woman who could fill his seat the way he does, or

does, or vice versa.

I'm referring, of course, to his considerable background.

Now, if there was a person with a big foundation for whatever it is he does,

asked.

But he wasn't always content to sit upon his aspirations.

The person you are honoring is more than just a simple cog, believe me.

He is the gear that drives the machine, the big nut behind the wheel.

but that would be too easy.

I could tell you about his future, but that would be too difficult.

However, I don't want to bore you tonight. That's his job.

Thank you for inviting me. Good night or good afternoon, as the case may be.

I tried to follow what he said, but I don't know what he said.

I know, he did, yeah.

Here to pay his respects to Senator Humphrey is a young man whose analysis

of the political scene is truly hilarious.

For those of you who are not subscribers to the Washington Post, Here's a fellow

who'll bring you up to date on Washington Today. Ladies and gentlemen,

Shoreham Hotel in Washington, where he entertains nightly Mr. Mark Russell.

Thank you, Dean. It's a privilege to be here in honor of the distinguished

senator.

I believe the real Hubert Humphrey is best illustrated by an incident which

place during the 1968 campaign.

It was during a speech and an angry spectator threw a tomato at him while he

speaking.

Well, as the tomato struck him, Hubert, the old pro, didn't bat an eye.

He merely ad -libbed, speaking of agriculture.

Yes, Hubert Humphrey, symbol of the politics of joy. Yes, HHH, that's ho,

ho.

From the very beginning, our hero was at the forefront of the civil rights

movement. His was the first drugstore in Huron, South Dakota to sell Uncle Ben's

rice.

Mr. Humphrey's talents as a pharmacist were put to good use as vice president.

When Lyndon Johnson turned to him one day and said, Hubert, make me a malted.

He received a great deal of publicity in 1959.

You may recall when he had an eight -hour conversation in the Kremlin with

Nikita Khrushchev.

Khrushchev asked Hubert how he was, and he never got in another word.

Unaffectionately as the mouth that roars, Hubert Humphrey visited Rome on

occasion and spoke at the Vatican for three hours to a statue of Pope Pius.

All was the optimist. He was not depressed in 68 when he lost the White

nor was he depressed when he lost the vice presidency, but he was depressed

he lost Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis.

I know we're all familiar how Senator Humphrey was the target of some of the

Watergate dirty tricks activity.

There was an alleged attempt to make him appear guilty of engaging in illicit

sex.

Are they kidding?

You were to talk all through it, for heaven's sake.

about it. He said, that would be liable. Mrs. Humphrey said, that'd be a

miracle.

Now I'd like to introduce one of the most brilliant impressionists in the

business. Ladies and gentlemen, Here's the man of a thousand voices, Mr.

Rich Little.

Thank you, Dean.

My fellow Americans, I'm just as punched as pleased to be here tonight.

saying to my wife Muriel just the other day, I said, Muriel, and she said,

that's right.

And I knew it was her because I never forget a piece.

I just made that up.

Is he laughing? Take a look.

But you know, my fellow Americans, I've been doing a number of things since I

ran for president of the United States.

I've been touring all across this great country making speeches.

Because, my fellow Americans, I see a country where there is no poverty, no

bigotry, no unemployment. I see a country where there is clean air and

water. I see Switzerland.

But, you know...

I was asked just the other day if I would pose in the centerfold of Playgirl

magazine.

That's true.

I was quite honored at first, and then after thinking it over, I declined it

because I felt that enough government secrets had already been exposed.

But you know, my fellow Americans, in closing, as well as being a United

senator, I have a wonderful new job now, and I'm very pleased about it.

I'm working for the cartoon division of Warner Brothers.

It's a very simple job that I have. All I do at the end of the cartoon is come

out and say, that's awful.

A great man has a book written about him, and Hubert Humphrey is no

Tonight, we've invited his biographer to fill us in on some little -known facts

about the senator that you'll be reading when the book is finally published.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the author of tomorrow's bestseller, HHH, Mr.

Donald Rice.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

I'm here tonight because I'm writing a book on the life of Senator Hubert

Humphrey, a man who's been in politics for over 30 years and never been caught

at it.

In my research, I found out some facts about the senator that may astound you.

Did you know that before he was a registered Democrat, that he was a

pharmacist?

That was back in the days when the miracle drug was Mercuricone.

I haven't put the book together yet, but here are some interesting comments he

makes about his days, his career behind the drug counter.

As a young pharmacist, I've made a few mistakes, like giving the morning

sickness bill to old Mr. Turner.

And I had a hard time explaining to Mrs. Watson why she was taking male hormone.

The last time I saw Mrs. Watson, she was in the church choir, singing bass.

And here he talks about entering politics. He says, leaving the drugstore

years later, I became the mayor of Minneapolis.

It was after this election that I made the biggest decision of my life.

I became a registered voter.

Later, I decided to retire from politics, and I became vice president.

In the book, I think you'll love his comments on the Senate hearings. He

to them as a Sam Irving quiz show.

When the contestants, quote, when the contestants give the right answer, they

lose.

He says, the whole thing is so ridiculous.

The Republicans bugging the Democratic headquarters. That's like General Motors

breaking into Ford to get the Edsel secrets.

Senator, I just heard a rumor that the Democrats once tried to bug the

Republican headquarters.

And somebody stepped on the paper cup and broke their strings.

There's a lot of your friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight,

they've sent telegrams, and I'd like to read them to you now. The first one

reads, Dear Senator Humphrey, more than anyone else, I regret your losing the

1968 election.

You can't imagine how I wish it was you who was in the White House signed

Richard Nixon.

There's one from the American Society of Interior Decorators. Dear Senator, we

hope you'll be elected to the White House in 1976 with your belief in the

politics of joy.

You always seem so happy, and that's what this country needs, a gay

Well, that, uh, this union is the most distinguished Republican from

Connecticut.

Senator Lowell Weicker, he's quite a guy. Every time a taxpayer in

is in trouble, they call him.

And the senator is finally doing something about it. He's getting an

phone.

With the greatest respect and admiration, here he is, Senator Lowell

Now I'm turning the volume up on the flyer, please.

Now,

Dean, I want to thank you.

I want to say that when you asked me to your show, I turned to Hubert Humphrey,

and I asked him whether it would be a good thing for our reputations to appear

on the Dean Martin Show.

Hubert turned to me and said, Lowell, given what most of the voters think of

these days, we're lucky Dean will appear with us.

Now, we're all rugged individualists on this dais.

Hubert once coined a phrase when he said he was his own man.

And I try to be my own man, and Dean Martin, of course, is his own drunk.

You know, paying tribute to Hubert Humphrey is a lot like sticking clothes

an old hand.

People ask, what keeps an intelligent man in politics for so many years?

Well, I know what kept Hubert interested.

Some of the babies he first kissed 20 years ago are beginning to shape up.

And yes, his next pharmacist, Hubert, would be the first to admit that through

the miracle of modern medicine, he still kisses pretty young girls.

And through the miracle of modern psychiatry, he means to find out why.

For as Hubert confided to me, when you get to his age, your memory is the

thing to go.

Forgive me, Muriel, I didn't write that thing.

He's one of the few men in political life whose hair gets darker the older he

gets. His opponents spread the word he was tinning his hair.

And now I know what they mean when they say that Hubert Humphrey is dying to get

into the White House.

But optimism is a Humphrey trademark. Someone wants to find an optimist as a

little old lady who starts to put her shoes on when Hubert Humphrey says, and

conclusion...

And I must say that it's true, Hubert is to public speaking what termites are to

an old barn.

Now this next one comes strictly from me, Hubert, with all the wiretapping and

bugging that goes on today.

I think you're one of the few important national figures who seems to be immune.

I mean, who's going to pay for the amount of tape that would require to

one of your conversations?

What I really like about Hubert is the tremendous interest he takes in people.

saw it just this afternoon as we were at the airport.

Coming out here, he spent two hours talking, two hours talking to just one

little old man.

And all the guy did was to ask him, where's the men's room?

Hubert had to respond by saying, well, now there are two sides to that

There are 535 members of the Congress.

And they're not all perfect.

Some are dynamic leaders.

Some are rather mediocre.

Some, quite frankly, don't measure up to the job at all.

But let me tell you that Hubert is, well, he's in there somewhere.

Oh, he's a big guy. He's about 6 '12". Thank you, Senator.

And now, Senator Humphrey, we're very pleased to have with us the man who

managed your campaign for presidency in 1968, your close friend and political

advisor, Mr. Foster Brooke.

I just... I still can't figure out how... I can't figure

out how the heck we lost.

The only way I can figure it out, it must have been simply bad timing.

You just happened to be running for president the same day Nixon was.

One day, either way, you would have been a shoe.

Then instead of tricky -dicky, we'd have... You'll be the boo -boo.

You'll be

the

boo -boo.

You'll be the boo -boo.

had voted for him, had

voted for him,

for the senator,

we would have won. That's all.

One half, one half a person.

And if he voted for Nixon, you can guess which half the person it was.

I happen

to

be one of the center's closest friends.

Whom do you think drank all the punch that Hubert says, please, says?

My friends, I thought...

Everything he knows about politics.

Before I got a hold of him, he thought Henry Cabot Lodge was a motel.

Let me assure you that Hubert Humphrey would have made a wonderful president

just as he made a wonderful vice president.

And did you know that he was the most active vice president we ever had?

He used to get up at six o 'clock every morning so he could run to home and

collect his unemployment and so on.

generous and compassionate man.

When he heard that that watch was burning, he sent the inhabitants a whole

truckload of marshmallows.

And unlike other politicians, you never hear any stories about Humphrey and

Broad.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's a real pleasure for me to present our

distinguished man of the week, one of the truly great figures on the American

political scene, the Honorable Senator from the state of Minnesota, Senator

Hubert Humphrey.

Thank you, Dean. First of all, I want to confess something tonight.

For all these years, since 1968, I've been trying to fashion some kind of a

rationale as to why we lost the election, other than the fact we didn't

enough votes.

Tonight, I found out, and I want to tell you, I enjoyed losing it, and I want to

thank you.

In fact, you would have made a fine campaign manager.

When Dean Martin invited me, I readily accepted.

I wanted to find out the difference between Dean Martin and whiskey.

And I just found out.

Whiskey improves with age.

I'm going to let you in on a secret. For a long time, I've admired the ability

that Dean Martin has and has demonstrated by surrounding himself with

women.

He undoubtedly could be called the Henry Kissinger of television, if you know

what I mean.

And I want to thank all the rest of you here, all of you here in the dais

tonight, for making me feel at home tonight.

In fact, I only wish I'd stayed there after what I heard.

We Democrats always like to come out to California. It's a state that has long

been one of our primary concerns.

So to speak.

Now take Sam Clemente.

In fact, that's what they did.

Seriously, I don't think that any public office holder has ever been so honored

as I have this evening.

That is, since the time the Roman Senate threw a surprise party for Julius

Caesar.

That was back there when Brutus was in charge of the dirty tricks department,

you recall.

Just getting your most impressive invitation, Dean, was most exciting to

It was, I'll let you in on it, what it was like. It was gilt -edged, and it had

engraving on it, and it said, You have been chosen for this tribute because you

are a person of singular achievement, unique ability, and exceptional

And it was addressed, occupant.

I want you to know that I don't really harbor any resentment or towards any of

the people here on the dais because you were merely vicious and tricky and

vindictive.

As our president would say, you were only being overzealous.

You were nice to include my good friend of the Senate, Senator Lowell Weicker.

And I'll tell you why. Because he's had so little exposure, as you know, on

television.

By the way, the things he was saying here tonight are obviously fictitious.

reason to believe him at all. All this business about my long talk is only

on fact. I don't know why this fellow is trying to peddle this stuff.

Senator Weicker, we all know, is a member of the Watergate Committee.

And that's a committee, I might add, that has uncovered more phonies than a

nudist camp in Hollywood.

Personally, I want to keep this.

often politics. I don't want it to be a partisan occasion in any way.

I trust Republicans, and I really do.

Back in 1972, they said, for example, that if I voted Democratic, inflation

would run rampant, the dollar would lose its value, and our economy would be in

chaos. And I voted Democratic, and they were absolutely right.

Just last night, I was at a $100 -a -plate dinner here in Los Angeles, and

wasn't even a political function. As a matter of fact, it just tells you what

costs to eat out these days.

Yes, when President Nixon said that he was going to make everything perfectly

clear, we didn't know that he meant the supermarket shelves, did we?

So, in appreciation of this sumptuous repast, Mr. Martin, And in eternal

gratitude for having Hubert Humphrey to kick around some more, I want to leave

you with three words.

Separate checks, please.

Hubert Humphrey makes speeches, he just gets up and talks and talks until he

thinks he's got something to say.

Now, everybody, on the way home, Captain, now you warm up the hot