Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person. The Man of the Week!

Your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's Roastmaster, Man of the Week, Hank Allen.

Well, tonight... Tonight we're... We're saluting a man who was raised on the

Lower East Side of New York, the son of Jewish immigrants, and got the rights to

George Joseph Rose for next week. Throw that away.

Tonight we're honoring one of the baseball greats, Mr. Henry Aaron.

Who can forget the end of the 1973 baseball season when Hank got down on

knees and prayed that he could score just one more time?

The fans will never forget the drama of Hank trying to break Babe Ruth's record

on television.

There hasn't been so much suspense in TV since Granny on the Waltons thought she

was pregnant.

Hank is obsessed with breaking all of Babe Ruth's records.

Hank, wait till your wife finds out that Babe Ruth had eight children.

Hank certainly came a long way. He was born in Mobile, Alabama to a very poor

parent.

Most poor blacks in Alabama lived on the wrong side of the tracks.

Hank's family was so poor they lived on the tracks.

There were eight kids in the Aaron family and they all slept in one bed.

But Hank was smart. He used to come home late at night so he could sleep on top.

When he graduated high school, he realized life was tough if you were

For one thing, they always made him sit in back of the bus.

It wasn't easy for Hank. He was the driver.

That was long ago. Today, he's the greatest name in baseball.

He's busy making commercials, TV appearances, motion pictures. In fact,

busy, instead of using a 24 -hour deodorant, he uses a 23 -hour when he

more time for himself.

Boy, they shouldn't make these jokes that long.

Mr. Joe Bishop with us tonight.

Recently, when they made a list of the ten greatest comedians, Joey came in

right behind Walter Cronkite.

My good friend, Mr. Joe Bishop.

Only fair to tell you that baseball is not one of my favorite sports.

Whale hunting is what I enjoy.

I know very little about baseball.

I always thought Vita Blue was a toilet bowl cleanser.

I must say that being here, Mr. Aaron, honoring you, is about as thrilling as

being molested by Moms Mabley.

Although, Dean tells me he enjoyed it.

Each time you hit a home run, I notice you're running around the bases. And

when you've got around third base, the coach there, he always gives you the old

pat on the pussy.

You must have liked that an awful lot to hit 713 home runs.

When the baseball season starts, you'll probably tie Roots' record.

And then one day, you will hit 715 home runs, and you'll break that record.

And I suggest this from the very depth of my heart. I hope you don't mind. It's

only a suggestion.

It's customary when you hit a ball out of the park, you run around the bases,

right? On that particular day, after 715, don't run.

Just take your time.

Walk around those bases proudly, with your head held high.

And when you get to home plate, tip your hat, throw a kiss to the fans, then

drop your pants and do one chorus of Black Bottom.

Ladies and gentlemen, that great ball player and the manager of the Atlanta

Braves, Mr. Eddie Matthews.

It's truly my honor to be here tonight to pay my respects to Hank Aaron.

And not as a manager, not as his manager, but as his friend.

I've known Hank For a number of years, I've shared a locker room with him for a

number of seasons.

And when you're sitting next to Hank for a coast -to -coast flight after a

ballgame, or it's just the two of you in a coffee shop after a ballgame talking,

that's when you really find out what this future Hall of Famer is really

like.

That's when you realize, that Hank is not the brightest guy in the world.

You know, Hank got married a

short time ago.

He sat up all night in a chair and stared out the window.

Because somebody told him that this was going to be the most beautiful night of

his life.

I talk a little bit about the way he dresses.

He's the worst dresser I ever met.

You know, we've all got a lot of respect for Babe Ruth. Hank has got an

exceptional amount of respect for Babe Ruth.

But it doesn't mean he has to dress like a candy bar.

He's a great guy.

I love Hank. And I shouldn't be here talking to him.

It's very unkind of me to come here and talk.

about Hank isn't too bright.

Hank is a rotten dresser. It's not nice of me to talk that way, and I'm going to

make up for it.

So let me tell you how cheap he is.

We were at a locker room the other day, and Hank's getting dressed, and he tears

his shirt, right?

He just tears it.

So he takes it to the laundry, like everybody would, to get it mended.

But he asked for a loaner.

And he's not as cheap as he used to be.

He's really loosening up, and he's my man.

He told me last week that when he breaks the record,

he's going to pop.

He's going to spring for a round of Gatorade.

Well, tonight we have with us our resident critic, the sports editor of

Saturday Review of Literature, Miss Roberta Cooke.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

You know, you men act superior because you believe that you can understand

baseball while women can't. Well, bull feathers.

I saw my first game last year, and I can tell you what baseball is about.

It is about three hours too long.

The first thing that Mr. Aaron did when he stepped onto the field was kneel down

in a little circle on one knee.

Now, this is just a supposition, but I think he was praying.

He was looking at the picture, so I think he was praying for a hit.

Then... He picked up two bats, and he began swinging them around.

But a little boy ran out, and he made him give one of them back.

Then Mr. Aaron steps out of the batter's box.

He picks up a little bag, and he dumps his bat, and then wipes his hands off on

his shirt.

Then he tugs down the knees of his knickers, and he hitches up his belt,

pulls the seat of his pants out, and he scratches himself.

Then he scratches himself, you wouldn't believe.

And he straightens his cap, and then comes the real action. Mr. Aaron steps

into the batter's box, and he nods at the umpire that he's ready.

The umpire signals to the pitcher.

Now the pitcher isn't ready.

He steps off the mound, picks up a little bag, and dusts the ball off.

Then he wipes his hands on his shirt, touches down the knees of his knickers,

and he hits up his belt, and he pulls the seat of his pants out, and he

scratches himself in the same place that he always scratches himself.

And then he straightens his cap, and he steps back on the mound, and he nods to

the umpire that he's ready.

Now, Mr. Aaron's tired of waiting.

So he steps out. He does.

He wipes. He tugs. He hits. He pulls. He scratches. He straightens. He steps

back in, and he nods. The pitcher throws.

Mr. Aaron doesn't swing, and the umpire calls, Strike!

The fans go wild. You have never heard in your life such filthy, obscene,

language.

Probably because it was Ladies' Day.

Then, the catcher throws the ball back to the pitcher. Mr. Aaron steps out.

He picks up the little bag and he dusts his back and he wipes his hands and he

tugs his knickers and he scratches... Mr.

Aaron, would you mind not scratching there while I'm...

singing voices in the business belongs to my next guest, Mr. Lou Rawls. He's

a voice that's so smooth, mellow, and rich it's recommended by Mrs. Olsen.

And here he is, the talented and beautiful Mr.

Lou Rawls.

I took my aunt Louella to watch the play.

Listen, you can just imagine what a thrill it was for the frail little old

to be sitting in the stands when you connected with your historic home run.

Now, she stood up to cheer, you know what I mean? I mean, she really, at 87

years old, she stood up, man, and she was about to have a hissy, you know what

mean?

Listen, the funny part of it was she caught your 710th homer right

in her face.

You know what I'm saying? Right in the chops.

Her dentures were totaled.

Completely wasted.

You know what I mean?

But she still keeps the pieces under the pillow.

Along with the baseball.

Hank, I want to tell you something. It's my pleasure to present you with this

bill for $240.

That is a very talented comedian, Mr. Norm Crosby.

Thank you very much, Gene.

Where do you begin, really, with a guy like Hank Aaron? He is...

So many things. He's a superb athlete. He's a gentleman on and off the field.

He's a dedicated worker for the little guy and a great human being.

He's virile.

He's stagnant. He's a man of... He is.

He's a man of depth and perversion. Look at him.

Well, Hank was a rookie. And this is the truth.

He used to hang around a bar across the street from the training camp.

And one night he was sitting there when a couple of guys noticed him and one of

them said to the other one, hey, you know, I heard them black guys, they're

strong and they can run fast and they don't even sweat.

I wonder how do you get to be black?

The other guy said, you don't get to be black, stupid. You have to come from

Africa.

The first guy said, Africa?

Where's Africa?

And the second guy said, I don't know, but it can't be too far away. He's in

here every night.

And Hank's, the ballplayers, his manager will vericate this. He is,

he's a nut on physical fitness.

When he first started to play ball, he was a little bit heavy. Right, Henry?

And the trainer told him to jog five miles a day.

He didn't lose any weight, but at the end of a year, he was 1 ,700 miles from

home.

He missed the entire baseball season.

And he had a motel bill of $36 ,000.

I'm kidding, of course, but you know, the Atlanta Braves management finally

think that they have solved Hank's fielding problem.

Next year, they're going to paint the ball green.

You never saw one of them guys drop a watermelon.

a man, but you've got to really listen, you know?

He sneaks them in on you.

Uh, Jackie Kahane is a funny guy.

The last time Jackie was here, I really doubled up.

Scots and peanuts will always do that to me.

No, here's a fine comedian.

Mr. Jackie Kahane.

Hank was born Henry Louis Aaron on February 5th.

He's an Aquarius, which means he's popular, talented, but a little weird.

Like an Aquarius, he would go to the wax museum and turn up the heat.

He would be a stowaway in a kamikaze plane.

An Aquarius would use this credit card to make an obscene phone call.

Aquarius aren't very lucky. Look at Hank.

He came within one home run of Time Bay Bruce's record.

Now, look how close he came last season.

One home run. Now, that's hard luck.

Hank, if you ever got a kidney transplant, you'd probably get it from a

bedwetter.

Of course, next year is the big year for Hank.

The Atlanta Braves will pay him more money than the President of the United

States. Why not?

Aaron had a better year than Nixon.

Yeah, Lynn Anderson. Now, she's about the greatest thing to come out of the

South since cotton gin or any other kind of gin.

This is my kind of gal. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest singer of

music, Lynn Anderson.

You know, it's a big thrill for me to be here tonight because I'm a real

baseball nut. Really, I am.

Dean loves baseball, too. You know how I know that?

I know that because he told me that if I'd play ball with him, I could be on

show all the time.

In my hometown, all the girls were crazy about baseball. We liked it so much

that we formed a ladies' league.

It was a lot of fun, but we didn't know too much about the finer points of the

game when we first started.

We thought a two -bagger was some kind of a brawl.

My coach told me I should always try to catch the ball on the fly.

I told him my uniform didn't have one.

But how did you learn, Mr. Aaron, that girls' baseball is a very demanding

sport? Now, really, it's even more demanding than men's baseball because

the number 44 just by asking for it, right?

Well, in the girls' league, we're just a little bit more demanding than that

because we would not let... any member of our team wear a .44 across her chest

unless she measured up to it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Barocco.

If we are ever in a missile war, we can win it in nothing flat.

Make missiles that look like baseballs and Hank Aaron will launch them with a

bat.

Hank Aaron learned the skills of his craft not in the celebrated stadium, but

the cow pastures of Alabama.

Came from humble surroundings.

I remember when he came up, you could see right away he was a great hitter. He

hit a ball over the fence of the cow pasture for a triple.

And he took out a round of bases. He rounded first, he rounded second, and he

slid into what he thought was the third.

As he approached the magic number, there were many violent threats made on Henry

Aaron's life, but his courage never faltered. I remember they asked him,

said, what would you do one night if you were on a dark street and you saw a car

loaded with people armed to the teeth, hostile, and coming towards you at 60

miles an hour? What would you do? He said, 70 miles an hour.

And he can do it.

I remember when he first came up, he was so fast, he hit a line drive over the

pitcher's head, and when he got to second base, the ball hit him in the

No,

Henry, you will be getting the opportunities for which you have

when you start making commercials, please advertise only the commercials

the products live up to their claims.

Don't go around advertising false products. Some of them don't work. I

bath in Clorox.

All I did was ventilate.

So I say to you, Henry, if the baseball fan at the candy stand wants some

chocolate for his sweet tooth, he's got to call out old Henry now and not just

Baby Ruth.

Hold on.

Disney Dean was a great pitcher.

But he was never the brightest guy in the world.

I saw him backstage before having a duel of wits with a coffee machine.

One of baseball's immortals. Ladies and gentlemen, the only Mr. Dizzy Dean.

Thank you, Dean.

Here, here tonight to honor Hank Aaron.

All Hank has to do is put two more away and he's in.

All Dean has to do is put two more away and he's out.

You know, I came here tonight to talk about Hank Aaron, not Dean Martin.

But doggone it, the two of them have a lot in common.

Just like Hank.

Dean's had his share of doubles and triples.

And if you think that Hank has swung a lot of bats, In his career, you should

see some of the old bats that Dean has formed.

But I shouldn't be comparing Hank to Dean when the whole world is comparing

to Babe Ruth.

And seriously, Hank, you and the great Babe Ruth are more in common than just

home runs.

Like you, the Babe love kids.

I remember when he was with the Yankees.

He used to spend a lot of his time visiting youngsters in the hospital.

There was the one kid with a broken leg who loved baseball.

And the babe said to him, Jimmy, tomorrow I'm going to knock one out of

ballpark for you.

And sure enough, the next day, in the bottom of the ninth, with the game tied

up, the great Bambino came to bat.

And true to his word, The next pitch sailed far into the left field

giving little Jimmy the thrill of a lifetime.

Well, something just like that happened to Hank Aaron last year.

It's true.

Hank went to visit the Children's Ward of the

Atlanta

Hospital. And while he was

there, he met a little youngster who his name was Jimmy.

And Jimmy was also recovering from a broken leg.

Well, Jimmy said, Mr. Aaron, I can't go to the game tomorrow, so would you hit a

home run for me?

And the next day, in the bottom half of the ninth, with the game tied up, Hank

reached out for a pitch and sent the ball flying out of the ballpark like a

scalded dog.

But the story doesn't end there.

After the game, Hank went outside the stadium, searched until dark,

until he finally found that ball.

And the next morning, he took it to the little Jimmy's bedside, autographed it,

and sold it to him for $5.

My next guest is a young lady who demanded that she be allowed to speak

tonight. So on behalf of many wives all over America, here's an Atlanta

housewife, Mrs.

Jeannie Vernier.

Thank you, Mr. Martin.

Aye. I am here tonight, Mr. Aaron, to make a personal appeal to you on behalf

thousands of wives all over America whose husbands are ignoring them and

concentrating on you and your efforts to break Babe Ruth's home run record.

Believe me, if you drag it out any longer, you're going to set a record for

breaking up homes instead of hitting home runs.

In 1954, you joined the Braves and I joined my husband.

And we've been together ever since.

My entire marriage has depended upon your baseball career.

And frankly, Henry, I'm getting sick of it.

I mean it. If you had a bad year, I had a bad year.

If you weren't talking to the press, my husband wasn't talking to me.

Oh, it's been terrible the way things are going.

Your challenge of Babe Ruth's home run record is going to go down in history as

the most effective method of birth control since the pill.

I'd like you to meet young Rodney Allen Rippey. He's that beautiful

little boy who appears in all those hamburger commercials.

He's so cute, I think I'm going to take him home in a little doggy bag.

Here on behalf of his idol, Hank Aaron, Master Rodney Allen Rippey.

Mr. Martin. You can just call me Blaine Rodney.

When I grow up, I want to be just like Henry Aaron when I grow up.

I'm going to have big muscles.

I'm going to have a great big smile.

I'm going to hit a lot of home runs.

I'm going to be a nice guy.

I'm going to get along with everybody.

I'm going to be black and proud and beautiful.

I want to be just like Henry Emory when I grow up. Except for one thing.

I don't want to be old.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you all please welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.

But that's another story.

Friends, it's a great honor and a privilege to be here tonight to pay

this wonderful soup.

This wonderful superstar,

Raquel Welch.

What do your new hair do, Raquel?

A wild tan you've got there.

I think maybe you might have roasted her a little too long.

Foster, that's a man.

What? That's a man.

You mean? Raquel Washington is a man.

You've been drinking, Dean?

No, that's not Raquel. That's Hank.

Hank Welch?

No, Aaron.

Oh.

Aaron Welch.

Hey, Foster, tell me, what gave you the idea that we were roasting Raquel Welch

here tonight?

Well, when you called me on the phone, you said that we were going to roast

somebody bigger than Ruth.

Now,

ladies and gentlemen, here's our record -breaking man of the week, the superstar

slugger of the Atlanta Braves, the man with the lightning in his back.

Mr. Hank Aaron.

This has been quite an evening.

If I'd have known I was going to be insulted like this, I'd have stayed home

read my hate mail.

Nipsey, you're a soul brother.

And I'm surprised that you turned on me.

But then you know Nipsey isn't too bright.

He thinks Lincoln freed the slaves so they could record for Motown.

And my main man is here, Eddie Matthews.

Manager of the Atlanta Braves.

Eddie, you were real funny tonight.

The last time you got in the last like that was when you were dressing in the

locker room with your undershorts.

Good to see you, Diz.

Last time I saw you, you was pitching an overtime game at Yankee Stadium.

And I was really surprised to see you on top of the mound.

And Mr. Brooks, you were really, really funny.

Too bad you didn't see it tonight.

You know, they said Boone drank a lot.

That's hogwash, and that's exactly what he drank, hogwash.

It's nice to be a member, but someday when I'm old, I'm going to look back and

be glad I can't ever remember this night.

Well, that's our show for tonight. I want to thank all my wonderful guests

being here, and I'd like to especially thank our man of the week, Hank Aaron.

What a sweet man.

Once he hit a home run ball, and it hit a man on the head.

Hank ran into the stands and autographed his bump.

Good morning, buddy.

All the way home, Captain. Warm up the hot chocolate.