Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Siegfeld Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person. Joining Gene Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour,

George Burns.

With tonight's guests, Gene Kelly, Connie Stevens,

Dom DeLuise, Red Button, Ronald Reagan,

Rwanda Page, Abe Vigoda, Jimmy Stewart.

Milton Berle, Tom Drinkland, John Ruttle, Orson

Welles, Phyllis Diller, Jack Carter, Frank Welter,

and your rope master, Dean Martin.

With tonight's man of the hour, George Burns.

Tonight we salute our man of the hour, Mr. George Burns. We are honoring George

tonight by special request.

His.

Though George is recognized as one of our truly great comedians, he'd rather

recognized for his singing.

The fact is, he started out as a singer. I don't want to say when he started

singing, but...

That was the year the top ten was the Ten Commandments.

You never hear a voice like his.

He sings like he makes love.

Slow start and no finish.

You're the worst, little country. You're the worst.

Last month, he sang the Star -Spangled Banner at a ball game, and the crowd sat

down.

It's truly amazing for a man his age to give you an idea how old he is. In 1905,

George was going through puberty.

Something John Denver hasn't done yet.

He's so old, when a girl invites him up to her apartment and asks him to bring a

bottle, he brings Geritol.

But he's still in there swinging. I mean it. When George checked into the hotel

last night, we gave him the room between Connie Stevens and Ruth Buzzi. But just

to be on the safe side, we didn't tell him which is which.

But women are always fascinated by George.

Even when George was a kid, he had a lot of charisma.

And then he started dating girls, and his charisma cleared up.

What a career this man has had.

Vaudeville, radio, television, and before all that, he made a picture at

with Eleanor Powell and Robert Young. This picture was called Honolulu.

and was made in 1939. I want to say Honolulu, well, I won't say it was bad.

It was horrible.

But three years later, it was shown in Japan, and Pearl Harbor was attacked.

Milton Bell is an example to all young people who want to go into show

Hard work, perseverance, and discipline.

All the things you need when you have no talent.

A comedy giant.

And I ain't kidding, Mr.

Milton Berle.

Ladies and gentlemen, on with our...

homage to our guest of honor. When they told me God was going to be here

tonight, I said, no way, Sinatra's too busy.

But it's a great thrill, a great... I'm speaking loud so you can hear me. It's a

great thrill for me to be here tonight to honor George Burns, who after 60

in show business, finally made it.

There he is, Mr. Lucky.

You don't know this is a roast.

He thinks he's having sex.

I'm only kidding, George. I'm kidding.

You're beautiful. You look just like you did 40 years ago.

Old.

George is at the age now where if a girl says no, he says thank you.

Goes out more than he does.

The other day I gave him a copy of The Joy of Sex. He took out his crayons and

colored it.

I heard that Burns is giving up smoking because he doesn't have the strength to

flick his bitch.

Last night, George took a girl up to his room here at the hotel.

And when they left, he noticed a sign on the door, have you forgotten anything?

And George said, yeah, how?

I love this man, George Burns, and we go back a long time together.

I don't know if you know this, but George, I'll tell you, is of Polish

His grandfather was half Polish and half Jewish.

He was a janitor, but he owned the building.

I'll tell you what, I'm glad I'm here tonight, Dean, because George and I, we

played in Vaudeville years ago when he was doing a single before Burns and

Allen, and boy, shall I tell you a few places, towns we played. We played dumps

you never heard of.

Small towns like, uh, Rachmunas, Illinois.

Split -lip, Nevada.

Marijuana, New Mexico.

Boy, that was a drag.

We played towns that, we played one town that was so small, The local hooker was

a virgin.

And I was listening to the king here, Dean Martin here, and he was talking

singing and everything. But the act he did, he did a comedy act. The worst act

ever heard. His jokes were so bad, I wouldn't even steal them.

I like to repeat, as Burrell usually does. I like to say that I'm very, very

happy for my pal's success.

Boy, what a beautiful life. George is leading right now. He's lunching every

at the Bistro in Beverly Hills, dinner every night with a gorgeous young chick.

He's already won an Oscar, he's written a best -selling book, and he gets offers

from every movie studio in town.

Oh, God.

I can't wait till I get old.

Well,

uh, thank you, Dean.

I suppose I should say it's a great pleasure to be here tonight, but it

a lie.

I'm an old, tired man, and I...

I should be home in bed.

Alone.

And all the years I've been watching television, not once was I able to stay

for the late show.

Recently, I've fallen asleep during the early show.

Last week, I could hardly make it through news at noon.

And every time I come here, it... never fails. Dean keeps telling me I

must see one of those shows, you know, where they have tall, beautiful chorus

girls all running around topless.

Just sitting there ringside, you could get silicone poisoning.

George, you've got to slow down.

Stop hanging around nightclubs.

Stop dancing and discos till all hours of the morning. You're no chicken.

From what I hear from those girls you've been dating, you're no rooster either.

Dignity.

That's what a person of our years must maintain.

Dignity.

It's not dignified to try to give them a hickey with your guns.

A movie career of yours might be exciting and make you seem attractive to

women, but it won't do a thing for your love life. No, no. I don't care what

part you played in your last picture. No girl, after winding up a big night with

you, is going to say, oh, God.

I dreamt I was in heaven last night and I was talking to God. He sneezed and I

didn't know what to say.

It's always a pleasure having Gene Kelly with us. He's a total performer with

impeccable credentials.

A dear friend, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Gene Kelly.

Thank you, Dean.

It was a great pleasure to be here in honor of my old friend George Burns, and

you know that.

But frankly, I am a little surprised that I was invited because, oh, it's not

that George and I are feuding, but, well, I'm glad we're not, particularly

seeing the supernatural things he does in his latest movie, Oh, God.

I wouldn't want to pick a fight with him for the world because I don't want it

to rain in my room 40 days and 40 nights.

George was starring in his own television special, and he asked me to

his guests.

He wanted me to recreate a scene I did in the movie An American in Paris.

That's the one where I sang and danced on the banks of the Seine with Leslie

Caron. Well, I thought it was a marvelous idea, and I was all for it

George suggested that instead of doing the Gershwin song, I do one of his old

tunes.

The kind he used to do in Vaudeville.

And that was the bone of our condensation, right?

Well, I brought along the lyric to the song George wanted me to do.

And I'll let you, the audience, be the judge.

I have it right here. This is what George wanted me to sing.

When the monkeys do the monkey rag, you think each monkey was

on a jag.

You laugh.

Until your sides would crack when they curl their tails and wiggle their

back.

Good song.

Well, George, if I'd have sung that to Leslie Caron, I'm afraid she'd have

thrown me right into the sand.

Tell me the truth, George.

Are these things really songs?

Of course.

I've got to get up to tell you this.

Or have you been smoking a pen on your cigar?

I don't know.

James, they're good songs, but you can't recite them.

So you've got to sing them.

Now, here's a great song. If you just recite it, it's nothing.

Just did the lyric.

But listen to this.

When the evening sun is sinking, I've been thinking, I've been thinking of my

little old cabin home.

I was never meant for president, but you can bet I'll be. You can't stay there

and have over. George, George.

George, you're right. You're right.

You're right. With a melody, it's a smash.

When I sang that in Boardville, people were standing outside the theater.

Too bad none of them went in.

Was Al Jolson great at the tenor? Oh, he's the greatest.

Well, I gave him this song.

To sweethearts in the country town, the neighbors say he lived happily the whole

day long.

Until one day, Jolie was going away. She went with a good girl, and Jolie loved

it.

No wonder he got down on one knee.

He was begging you not to make him sing.

I'm sorry. Even though you wouldn't let me sing Gershwin on your television

special. Tonight, I'd like to borrow some Gershwin lyrics to express my

for you.

And I mean this.

In time, the Rockies may crumble.

Gibraltar may tumble.

They're only made of clay.

But our love is here.

George, you know I truly love you.

Yes, hey, Gene, but I'm a little too old for you.

Our next guest is someone who has known George Burns for years and years.

In the early days when George first began...

his show business career, this lady was his accompanist, his teacher,

and his very first vocal coach.

Please welcome the vivacious Gladys Munch.

last night this rhino cornered me at a bingo game and tried to do a number

lover in the world.

There are a couple of names that always represent quality, like Rolls -Royce,

Ferrari, Tiffany, Cartier. In Hollywood, one name that's always been pure gold

in the box office is that of my old buddy, one of the original superstars,

James Stewart.

Thank you, Jane.

You know, George Burns and I go back together a long time.

We were both at MGM Studio at the same time in 1938.

And in those days, I was a romantic juvenile, and in those days, George

was an old man.

And it's just amazing that now, 40 years later, we're both still at it.

Only now I'm the old man and George is the romantic juvenile.

When we first met in 1935, I was trying to make it on Broadway.

And George was like a father to me. He gave me my first professional advice.

He said, you'll never make it in show business, kid. You've got no gimmick.

he offered to sell me his old vaudeville act.

And he said he'd even throw in his special tuxedo.

And what made the tuxedo special was it had rubber -lined pockets.

And when I asked him what the rubber -lined pockets were for, he said, that's

where you keep the fish.

And I wondered why I'd want to keep fish in my pockets, and he said,

Listen, kiddo, when you're working with the seal, you've got to slip him a fish

every once in a while.

Yeah, George was going

to talk his old vaudeville partner into coming out of retirement.

Sharky the seal, he said.

You and Sharky, you're just going to make a wonderful, wonderful comedy team.

Sharky plays the musical horns. Harold plays the drums.

And I said, Harold?

He said, yeah, that's the chimpanzee.

When I asked George what I did in the act, he said, you throw the fish in

bananas.

Anyway, George wouldn't give up on me. He said, listen, kiddo.

I'll get you a lead in a movie that will win the Academy Award.

But it calls for a virile he -man that looks good without an undershirt.

So go down to the gym and build yourself up, and I'll recommend you to the

director. Well, he was right. Five months after I started working out at

gym, the picture did win an Academy Award for Clark Gable.

It happened one night, and when I asked Clark how he got the role, he said

George Burns recommended me.

The next time I saw George was in 1946.

I'd been nominated for an Oscar for It's a Wonderful Life, and I lost.

But George came up to me like the good friend he is.

And he whispered something encouraging. It was very good advice. He said, I told

you you'd never make it in a show business until you had another talent on

side, like Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire.

So George, who used to be a hoofer, tried teaching me one of his dances,

and the jack.

And he said, first you put your two knees close up tight.

And I did.

And then I said, what next, George?

And he said, I don't know. At my age, when I take them apart, I fall down.

They're all up here. We could talk about his talent and his show business

career, but nobody knows him better than our next guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, George's personal psychiatrist.

His head man, Dr.

Leo Kellerman.

Thank you very much. May I show you my credentials?

Oh, may I show you mine?

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a noted

psychiatrist, and George Burns first became my patient right after he

his new movie, Oh God, in which he plays the title role.

Very few people know this, but he got very wrapped up in it. He thought he

really was God. It's true.

This syndrome is not uncommon among actors. When Jimmy Stewart was in

thought he was a rabbit.

Fortunately, he came to me.

Did you cure him?

No, not before he and his wife had 78 kids.

When George came to me, he thought he was gone.

The first thing he said to me when he saw my nurse was, I want to cure that

girl. I must lay hands on her. I said, George, she's not sick.

It wouldn't help.

He said, it wouldn't hurt.

I'm an expert in these matters. I have degrees.

From Vienna, Paris, and Rome.

Vienna, 68 degrees.

Paris, 72 degrees.

Rome, 82 degrees.

When George came to me, I asked

him how long he had been God, and he said, 40 days and 40 nights.

Do you remember that?

And I said to him, any other problems? He says, yes.

I can't sleep.

Can you help me? I can't sleep. I said, George, did you sleep last night? He

said, no. I said, did you sleep the night before?

He said, yes. I said, it's very simple. Go to bed every other night.

You know, psychiatric treatment is nothing to be ashamed of. I myself have

catechtonic phobia.

Ah, wear a long coat. Nobody will know.

In Vienna, I taught psychology.

I thought it was easy, but it was very hard.

Are they coming?

Are they coming? After 15 hours, by the way, George, you know, we worked

together.

But we worked together a long time. And I have to tell you that he is suffering

from traumatic psychosis and paranoid aborigines.

What's that mean?

His shorts were too tight.

a wonderful man. My wife was your daughter in the Sunshine Boys. She sends

all love. Thank you very much for being you. Thank you, God, for sending us this

wonderful man. Thank you.

Well, Jeff is a very talented and very funny lady. One of the former stars of

Sanford and Sons.

And I think she is the best in the whole world.

She's lovely. She's beautiful to me, Miss Lawanda Paine.

What a real idiot.

To stand here between these two turkeys.

Let me see who this turkey is.

Oh, the sunshine boy.

And the moonshine boy.

I heard what you said, Milton Berle.

Don't you go bad mouthing me.

You've done as much for comedy as EDR means.

Last time I saw your show, it was during the New York blackout.

How your show was so bad, my friend smashed the window of a TV store and

returned a TV set.

love, honey.

Oh, I'll admit when you walked in tonight, you turned a few heads and a

stomachs, too.

Look at Abe Vigoda sitting there so cool.

Abe played in The Godfather.

In that movie, they gave him the kiss of death.

Abe, honey, you look so bad, they should have given you the kiss of life.

Now I'm going to get to you, George Burns.

Dating all them young foxes at your age, a man as old as you, honey, should be

respected, rewarded,

retired,

and retreated.

George, you're too old to get married again. Not only can't you cut the

honey, you're too old to open the jar.

married to an old guy myself, honey.

When we faced a preacher, he didn't say I'd do.

He said I'll try.

There is a bright young comedian who appeared with us earlier this year and

a big hit.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Dreesen.

I love those ones. My grandmother is his biggest fan.

She's been kind of upset, lady, because she hasn't been able to see him on TV

for the last couple of years. So just recently, because she's had problems

her eyes. She has glaucoma. And I don't know if you read this or not.

But a guy started smoking marijuana a while back for his glaucoma, and it

him. He took his case all the way to the Supreme Court, and today the government

allows him to legally smoke marijuana.

So six months ago, my grandmother started smoking marijuana.

She still can't pee, but now she doesn't care.

It got to where I hated to go over her house. It was always the same thing. Hi,

Tom, try the brownie.

She wanted to send you some brownies, Mr. Burns. She really did. But she read

this interview in a fan magazine by this lady that travels with you. What's her

name? Nurse Trixie.

She said, did you think mashed potatoes are roughage?

I want you to know that when I started out in show business, an old

pulled me aside and he said, would you like to become a good comedian? And I

said, yes. He said, well, then study the masters.

Watch George Burns. In fact, watch his every move.

Mr. Burns.

I've been watching you all night long. You haven't moved once.

I need a card to introduce this lovely lady.

She is funny and she is beautiful.

And I love her. Miss Phyllis Dillon.

I did wake up.

Oh, George, I'm just so happy to be here.

Nobody knows what a thrill it is for me to be here with George. You know, see,

I've had a crush on George for years.

He's my kind of guy. He's handsome, he's successful, and he's breathing.

Oh, I don't know how you feel about it, George, but old age.

I mean...

I didn't even see it coming.

It hit me from the rear.

I got up one morning and it is over.

Everything is gone.

The hair on the top of my head is so thin.

The part is on the roof of my mouth.

I've got a rash that's moving so fast I can hear it.

My G -string is clear down to D -flat.

And you know, as you get older, you get so damn dry and brittle.

I may not pass on it all. I may just flake away.

When you put your moisturizer cream on, your skin shouldn't go...

Get ready.

I have gas.

But I wore this outfit just for you.

Well, you know, I'm not going to wear feathers. The last time I wore feathers,

was attacked by an ostrich.

But you know, if I didn't wear contacts, I wouldn't know where I was.

I should be playing the men's room.

and it was cool.

I was sick of getting my bras back from the laundry mark flat work.

Hey, you talk about flat.

I got my chest sunburned and my back paled.

You want to know what else? I've had this rotten luck with men. I had this

guy. Oh, big.

Huge, hairy, dumb.

When ice fishing came home with 50 pounds of ice.

When his mother fried it, she drowned.

The reason I love George, he knows how to treat women. He just does. Like

backstage tonight, he whistled at me.

Oh, I love it.

Last time I heard a whistle, I was hit by a train.

George, I just want to tell you this.

After the show, I know it's your night, but I'd love to share it with you.

Somehow.

We'll find a way.

Come to my room if you want to see a real woman.

I'll get one for you.

Here's a man who's kind of regular on our roast. One of the funniest guys I

know. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Red Button.

Ladies

and

gentlemen, the question tonight is why?

Why?

We're giving this ancient comedian a man who was old enough to be his own

father.

A man who embarrassed everybody at the Last Supper by asking for seconds.

A man who, when they signed the Declaration of Independence, asked for a

copy.

A man who, when Rome was burning, requested Nero to play, you picked a

time to leave me, Lucille.

So this is the type of man we're giving a dinner to.

And tonight, some of the biggest, some of the biggest people in the history

of the world never got a dinner.

that to George Burns in the Garden of Eden.

I got more rigs and he got more broads.

The hunchback of Notre Dame who said this

isn't a hump.

who said to the 40 thieves, just steal jewelry. It's not easy to fence camels.

The Siamese twin who said to his sister, what do you mean? You go your way,

I'll go mine.

This man they give a dinner, Rip Van Winkle, who said when he awoke from

sleeping 20 years, After lunch, I think I'll take a nap.

Never got a dinner, Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, stop running around

with David. You're always coming home stoned.

Never got a dinner.

God's never got a dinner this man to give a dinner. Cain's mother.

Cain's mother who said to Cain, after he flew it,

His brother Abel, wait till your father comes home or you're gonna get it.

Never got a dinner lot.

Who said when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt, salt we got plenty,

coffee we need.

Cleopatra who said to Mark Antony when she placed a serpent in a bosom, of

course it's suicide.

You think I'm trying to make out with a snake?

Dean, there's a foolish rumor going around that I really must scotch.

Scotch, Dean. I hope I have your attention.

No matter what they say, I refuse to believe that some suggestion of yours

responsible for the invention of the neutron bomb. It's ridiculous, of

And yet, when you think of it, it's logical.

Who else would want a weapon that could wipe out the bartenders without

destroying the booth?

That's what I want to get.

He certainly deserves all respect that he's been getting here tonight.

After all, how many men his age could listen to insults about their sex lives

without the use of a hearing aid?

All these slurs about George's amorous adventures remind me of the words of the

poetess Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

In your case, George, don't bother to count the ways, just count the times.

The extremes these people have gone to just to come here.

Now, Abe Bogota even bought a tuxedo.

Abe Bogota in a tuxedo.

That's like putting hollandaise sauce on a knockwurst.

Red Button, Red, whose mother once uttered those famous words to his father

Red was born, keep the sales flip, I think we'll want to return it.

George Durer is human. To forgive divine soul, let us forgive Milton Berle.

We realize, Milton, that everything you said, you said for laughs.

The fact that you didn't get any, well, that's another one of your problems.

As for you, George, in your long and glorious career, you've been the

of a perfect plethora of honors and awards. You've triumphed on radio,

TV, and headlined at the palace.

You've known presidents and kings.

You, more than any living mortal, should be cognizant that there is something

more exciting in life than women and sex.

And whoever finds out what it is will make a portrait.

I'd like you to meet a young man who is already recognized as one of tomorrow's

bright new stars.

Ladies and gentlemen, please greet a wonderful impressionist, Frank Welker.

honoring this evening is deserving, I know, of this roast, but also I think he

should probably have his own news documentary.

So I would like to take you to New York and Walter Cronkite.

Good evening, everyone. This is Walter Cronkite bringing you a special

television tribute to George Burns entitled Oh God, Not Again.

If we pay homage to a man who's celebrating his 75th anniversary in show

business, George owes much to the miracles of modern medicine, just how

only Medicare knows for sure.

Through the miracles of modern medicine, George Burns still chases pretty girls.

And through the miracle of modern psychiatry, he intends to find out why.

When you're his age, the memory is the second thing to go.

ladies and gentlemen, we take you to a man who's prominent in politics, Billy

Carter's brother, Jimmy.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I would like to take this opportunity to say what a thrill it is to be here on

the dais this evening.

It certainly beats the House of Representatives, but I must say we do

fine young comedians up there also.

All right, there you have it from the 39th President of the United States, a

very distinguished country bumpkin.

Now it's time to go to another political figure. Here is Henry Kissinger.

Henry?

Thank you very much, Mr. Cronkman.

I would like to take this opportunity to say that for six years I was the

Secretary of State.

I adjudicated the world's problems.

And when there was a crisis between the Arabs and Jews, I played the role of God

and brought about peace.

And now when Carl Reiner makes the picture, oh God, who should he pick for

part of the Supreme Being?

This little doom -cuff.

Dr. Kissinger, spoken like a true American.

Now we take you to the heavyweight champion of the world, Muhammad Ali.

I'm the greatest.

Ain't nobody as bad as me. I beat George Foreman. I beat Joe Frazier. I beat

Donald Liston, that ugly old bear. I knocked him down. Kenny Moore, all these

guys, all these things.

I'm the best. Ain't nobody.

Nobody.

He's bad, this little wrinkled white hope. He's bad.

Oh, I said, I wrote this poem by George Burns. It goes like this.

He floats like a butterfly, seems like a bee, but the worst thing about him is

that it seems off -key.

Well, now we must eventually turn to our man of the hour, the superannuated star

of Crystal Radio, George Burns himself.

So in another dramatic confrontation, our British investigative reporter David

Frost probes into the real reason behind George's break -in to show business.

David?

You were once quoted as saying that if you were offered the role of God, that

you indeed would take that role, even though you had some hesitation at this

point in your career. Do you indeed feel that that's the way you felt prior to

what you thought you said? Or do you indeed feel that what you said earlier,

prior to what you thought you had told yourself, that you indeed felt that

that's what you thought you said prior to June 3rd, when you thought you knew

what you did indeed say?

You know something, David?

You talk as funny as I sing.

To the funny man.

And I mean it.

Jack Carter.

You thought you'd never get me up here.

This became like a telethon for salinity.

What a thrill to be back at the MGM, this marvelous, beautiful hotel. And

you, Dean, for the lovely room you got me here. It's a beautiful... It must be

the presidential suite, because I walked in and there were peanuts all over the

floor.

You promised George glamour. Come to Vegas, George. We'll give you a dinner.

There'll be beautiful showgirls, gorgeous women. All right, where's Aunt

Margaret? Where's Sophia Loren?

Where's Farrah in her faucet, huh?

That's what he wound up with. Ruth Buzzy and Phyllis Diller. Jaws and menopause.

Oh, Ruth, go over there. But Phyllis, you look beautiful. She's with a new

and a new body. You really look great, considering you used to be Gregory Peck.

Connie showed up. Connie loves to go with George. You know, she knows how to

handle him. He's happy. Once a week, she gives him a tangerine, tells him he's

making love.

And he loves to go out to her pad in Malibu. And, you know, Connie gets into

something sexy. George brings a little wine. And she walks around in this

gown. And while Connie cooks, George burns.

But he's adorable.

Look at him sitting there. The only man in the world orders a martini with a

prune in it.

Sounds like a western.

Dom came over as an immigrant

with his father. His father couldn't speak English. All he could say was his

job. Diesel fitter.

But he sent him to the shipyard. No, no shipyard.

Diesel fitter.

Isn't that what you don't know? I work with my friend Angelo in a pantyhose.

He hold up the pantyhose. I say, yeah, diesel fitter.

the first time he was on the bill at the palace in 1904 with Al Jolson. He was

just a kid with Gracie.

Georgie was in shock watching him because Jolson never used a mic. He was

most powerful performer. He just stood there in the footlights with no mic,

talking and digging and talking and digging, and people got to their feet in

last row of the balcony yelling, get a mic, Al, can't hear a damn word back

here.

Georgie went up to him backstage and said, hiya, Mr. Jolson, I'm George

Gracie and I were on the bill. We're up early, you know. I'm a singer, too. And

I want to say you've got a great voice. And George said, listen, listen, kid.

I want to tell you something. I heard you sing, and I ain't heard nothing yet.

Why, when I sing mammy, you see the mammy.

And when I sing swally, you see the swally river.

And when I sing rock -a -bye my baby, you know what happens? George said,

the mother shows up with a maternity suit.

George, and I love to hang out with these great old guys like... Georgie

and George Burns and Jack Albertson and the aging veteran Milton Berle. I love

it.

We kid Milton. He's an inspiration to every young comedian.

We figure if he can make it, anybody can.

I know that if your sweet buddy Jack Benny were here, I'll bet right now he's

there in that great day as in the sky looking down and he's smiling at you

sweetly and saying, well.

Now, isn't this a ridiculous situation?

Here I am up in heaven and God's on earth.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome former movie star, former governor,

presidential candidate, but still number one in popularity, a most distinguished

American, and a good pal, Mr.

Ronald Reagan.

Thank you, Dean.

Among governors, you know, Dean has always been well thought of. The

Arizona even named a national forest after him.

Petrified.

Speaking at a Dean Martin roast is a lot like being a budget director for Jimmy

Carter. It's kind of a temporary job.

But I just couldn't turn down this opportunity to say a few words about our

of the hour.

This bionic geriatric, Sun City Fonzie, George Burns.

The only man I know...

who does fool Mother Nature.

When Red Buttons appears on these roasts, he always asks the question, why

we giving this man a dinner?

Well, Red, for the first time, I'd like to answer.

Who else do you know who was an actual eyewitness to most of the history of our

country?

It was George Burns who told Betsy Ross.

Personally, I feel the pattern's a little busy.

But let's run it up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes it.

This is George Burns' night.

Legend has it that when Queen Isabella gave Christopher Columbus all her jewels

to finance his voyage, and he said, but who'll buy all this costume junk?

It was George, who said, leave it to me, I know just the guy.

Sammy Davis Jr.

is wearing it to this day.

And who was it who told Judge Crater, slip away from the party, no one will

miss you?

He remembers, George goes back to the invention of television when TV sets

run on whale oil.

He started with NBC TV.

Where do you think NBC got the egg from which they hatched that peacock?

And it really is a comedian that George Burns will leave his mark in history.

George has always entertained for presidents and has made six different

presidents laugh.

A fix out of 39 isn't bad.

George, I toast you.

May you still have that same youthful vigor when you finally reach, if you

do, old age.

All the most respected MDs in Beverly Hills, Dr. Charles Cooper.

Good evening. My name is Dr. Cooper, George Burns' first physician.

The first time I met George Burns, he came to my office with a terrible

in his ears.

I cured him. I gave him an enlisted ear.

It's all in my book. I'll remove your appendix in your spare time.

I once took care of Mr. Moore.

Martin, I went to his home, and after examining him carefully, I found

on his chest.

His secretary.

By the way, Dean, try some of this medicine.

You could use it.

What? You say nothing.

Thanks. Do you realize this medicine contains vitamins, minerals, niacin?

Potassium. Iron.

Ribof... Ribof... Thanks.

It also contains 50 % alcohol.

I'll have the bottle.

May I have your attention, please?

He was my first cadaver.

Anyway, Mr. Burns, all I got to say is to you, you need a physical.

After the show, come to my room, remove your clothing, I'll take your pulse,

your pressure, and your wallet. Thanks a lot.

I can say the next pretty lady to step up here is not only a star of

Broadway, and the movies, but has appeared with our man of the hour on

screen.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the talented and lovely, beautiful

Connie Stephen.

This is an exciting reunion for me, I'll tell you. I have not appeared with

George Burns for a long time.

He and I co -starred in a television series, I hope you all remember.

It was called Wendy and Me.

Well,

it didn't last very long.

I'm not blaming you, George. It was a good show, but I've had longer runs in

pantyhose.

friendship I was really surprised when I arrived in Las Vegas last night I found

a beautiful bouquet of flowers in my hotel room and a note from George Burns

said dear Connie please join me for a swinging evening on the town

well George I hate to kiss and tell but may I tell them what a swinging evening

we really had

First we went out to dinner. I picked him up right after his nap.

It was then I discovered George's secret for staying young.

He never overextends himself.

He wouldn't even whistle for a cab.

He figures when he finally gets up a pucker, why waste it on a taxi?

We were driving along and all of a sudden George leaned over and said, My

asleep. It's numb.

I can't feel a thing.

I said, George, please relax.

That's my knee you're holding.

On the way home in the cab, George got very confidential with me. He said,

Connie, I know I'm an older man and you're still young and innocent, but

are modern days. How do you feel about mixed couples getting together, you

for a little fun?

Turned out he wanted four of us to play the same kino card.

to my room and like the true romantic roué he really is, he surprised me with

burning kiss.

He forgot to take the cigar out of his mouth.

With us tonight...

is that very funny star of the big hit TV show, CPO Sharky.

Ladies and gentlemen, the national distributor of hate, Mr. Don Rickles.

Thank you so much.

You know, many performers get an opportunity to perform.

which is a great statement.

But George, here at the home, these kind of things we can laugh at.

I must say right in front, George, you're 81 years young.

I'll give you $5 to marry my mother.

I'll make it $10 if you fool around.

There are many great stars here honoring George. As I look down the dais, I see

none.

Wanda Page, you're a black woman. Why are you here?

Be proud.

Be proud of black or white.

And I say this with my heart.

Glory, glory, hallelujah.

Is she laughing or coming towards me?

George, you're laughing, laughing. I love you, George.

And of course, Red Buttons, one of the great clowns of our time. Unfortunately,

the public has never known that.

Phyllis Diller, ladies and gentlemen, who, when she was born, God ran out of

clay and made her face trick -or -treat Charlie.

But you're a lovely lady, Phyllis, and good luck to you.

Her husband, her former husband, said on the wedding night, No!

James Stewart, one of our great generals in the Air Force, who said in World War

II, Ah, ah, ah, and the planes took off without him.

And, of course, the great governor of the state of California, the former

governor, and the man that was wanted to be president desperately.

Governor Reagan, from the bottom of my heart, Governor, I never liked you, I

never liked your family.

Sit down, Governor, you're making a fool of yourself.

Dom DeLuise.

There's not much to say about you, Dom, because you've got a bad personality.

We're getting to the punchline of the evening.

81 years young.

George, if I may say, I sit with you at the Hillcrest Country Club, and we laugh

together.

You've always put your arm around me, your family, your dear Gracie, God rest

her, wherever she is. She watches over you.

We all laugh about you with the young ladies that escort you.

But the greatest thing I can say, on behalf of my wife, my children, and my

mother, that when you dress up with your tie and your sport jacket, and as you

are tonight, neat and immaculate, and you get in your little car and your big

car, and I see you drive up in front of our country club with pride, and you get

out and you walk abrupt and with life.

That's what I believe in, and that's what I hope for myself and my wife and

my children, to have the feel of life, as my people say, chayim to life, to

the feel that you have.

You are a great man, and we love you, and I love you.

I don't think anybody has more friends than George Burns.

But a friendship that George cherished most was that of his and Jack Benny's.

The laughs they shared and the practical jokes they played on each other are

legendary.

Whenever those of us in the profession gather for lunch or at a dinner party,

someone is bound to tell a George Burns -Jack Benny anecdote.

Apropos of this, I thought we'd run a piece of memorable film from a 1955 This

Is Your Life, showing Jack and George together.

You soon meet a man who understands the conflict in your career at this time,

someone who himself really knows the meaning of frustration.

Any idea?

Well, you almost gave up singing, George, but he never gave up his music.

in, Jack Benny!

Hello, Jack.

Hi, George.

Well... No, this is my life. No, no.

He gets mixed up. It's really true. I see him every day. It's his life.

I know. I know it's his life. I haven't seen you for about 35 years.

I haven't seen you for 10 minutes.

I've got to tell you something, Bob. The reason I know why I was asked, because

I probably know George.

As a matter of fact, he just wrote a book on his life, which will be

soon, and I wrote the preface. Yeah. But I tell the truth in a preface, because

the story in his life are some of the biggest lies that you have ever read in

your life.

What's the name of the book? And not only that, it's called I Love Her,

Why. That's the name of the book. Let me get the plug in.

Now, but I've known George. I met George, I would say, 35 years ago.

I was four, and he was 27.

The next year, I was four, and he was 28.

Well, how did his act to begin with, he had all the punchlines and Gracie fed

him. Isn't that the way?

Well, yeah. What happened was, you see, when they teamed together, George

thought he was a comedian. He still thinks so. That's right. And George took

of the jokes and gave Gracie the state line.

And wrote the act. That's right. Then he realized... I'm talking now.

Then he realized that Gracie got all the laughs, so he had to switch the act

around. It was the first sensible thing he did.

George, no kidding. When did you see Jack last, anyhow? Today sometime?

Five and six.

Akron, Ohio.

Oh, it must have been 34 years ago.

Ladies and gentlemen, our man of the hour, and I love you, Mr.

George Burns.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

You know, I've really come a long way in show business.

Here I am, 81 years old, and to think that all these lovely people flew all

way to Las Vegas and got all dressed up and came down here just to insult me.

I think it's very flattering.

Let me tell you something. I was a small -time vaudeville actor until I was 27

years old.

So I'm used to being insulted.

Insults have always been part of my life.

I was insulted at the Jefferson Theater on 14th Street.

At the Gaiety Theater in Altoona.

The Colonial in Akron.

The Folly Theater in Brooklyn.

Let me tell you what happened at the Folly Theater.

I was in the middle of my act singing in the heart of a cherry.

And just before my yodeling finish.

The manager walked down the stage and canceled me.

And to make matters worse, the audience applauded him.

And the musicians gave him a standing ovation.

You see, so your insults tonight mean nothing. I've been insulted by pros.

Even when I worked with Gracie, the insults never stopped.

I remember playing the Orpheum Theater in Oklahoma City, and the next morning

there was a review in the paper.

It said Miss Allen is not only a beautiful young lady, but a great

her dancing is very exciting.

And her comedy timing is flawless, and there's no telling how far Miss Allen

would go if she worked alone.

When I first started, all the acts I did were pathetic.

In fact, I had to change my name every week. I couldn't get a job with the same

name twice.

I remember playing for you. I walked in the Folly Marcus's office. It was a

small -time booking agent. I was sitting there, and the theater manager came in,

and he said, where can I find Maurice Valenti?

I said, I'm Maurice Valenti.

I thought I was.

He gave me a contract to play the Myrtle Theater in Brooklyn, and the contract

read Maurice Valenti and his Wonder Dog.

Well, it's well -signed that I'd do anything to stay in show business.

Next day, I got myself a piece of liver, I went out and I caught myself a dog.

And I went to the Myrtle Theater to do my act.

I walked out on the stage with the dog under my arm. I stood there and sang my

songs.

And in the middle of my third song, the dog did his act.

I finished, I couldn't do my sand dance.

So you see, I wasn't only insulted by people.

I even had a dog that took a shot at me.

Well, I want to thank each and every one of you for coming here tonight.

I enjoyed the evening very much.

And you know, right now, I'm at a very comfortable stage in my life.

I've always been taught to respect my elders.

Well, I finally reached the age where I don't have to respect anybody.