Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour presents a special 90

roast with tonight's guests.

Dan Rowan.

Jack Budman.

Dick Martin.

Joey Bishop.

Nick Robertson.

Lauren Greene, Kelly Savala, Britt

Little,

Bob Newham, Foster Brooks,

Mitchie Russell,

Pat Henry, Solly Teller,

Captain Eugene Cernan,

Carol Channing, Phyllis Dillard,

Kirk Douglas.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the week, Mr. Don Rickles.

Tonight, we're roasting Don Rickles.

Rickles is the man about whom Adolf Hitler once said, from him I could

idea of a fun evening is to show home movies of the attack on Pearl Harbor

with a laugh track.

Don's got a great sense of humor. He gets his kicks calling in phony

to the death house.

Don Rickles has the distinction of being the only civilian that was ever

impeached.

Don inherited his sense of humor. His mother and father were great practical

jokers. That's how Don was born.

He was even a rotten kid.

One Christmas, he hung his sock on a tree and a tree died.

You're burning, but you're laughing. I know.

But that's all behind Don now. Today, he's a much bigger success than I am.

After all, he's had four TV series, and I've only had one.

Oh, boy. They say... They say that behind every clown

is a sad man. In Don's case, it's Robert Wood, the president of CBS.

Few people know this, but Don's worked hard in show business to attain one

to save up enough money to send his mother back behind the Iron Curtain.

Well, it's a pleasure now, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a great pleasure to introduce Mr. Joey Bishop.

Joey was a little late getting here. He was in Johnny Carson's garage loosening

Johnny's brakes.

One of my favorite comedians, Mr. Joey Bishop.

When they asked me to appear on the dais for Don Rickles, I said, I don't know

what to say about Don Rickles.

And they said, say whatever you want to say.

Okay, Don Rickles is a bedwetter.

Not

only

the bed, everywhere.

He's the only one of the days with a rubber tuxedo.

I really, in my heart, I must say, I cannot believe we're paying tribute to

I mean it.

I mean, we've had big names here.

Let me go to him. Who are we honoring next week? Prickly Heat?

honor somebody honor a man like dr jonathan a man who helps fight diseases

are we honoring a carrier and he's known for his hostility

and i ask you from the bottom of my heart what has he to be hostile about

can a short paunchy bold old ugly person possibly have

He does have a great sense of humor.

I mean, not on stage. I'm talking about tactical jokes, number one.

You remember the time you took the safety belt off of Mickey Rooney's

seat?

Remember that?

Mickey almost drowned?

Then I found out, and this was the shocker, because I know you don't gamble

Vegas. You don't go to the track. I find you're a bingo addict.

I called your wife, Barbara. I said, Barbara, what is Don really like? And

said, every night, bingo.

I'm sure you all know why we are here, because we love this gentleman.

Don Rickles is a fine person, a great entertainer, a wonderful father, and a

great husband.

In spite of what he says on stage, I know him.

In my heart, that it's really a good egg, and you all know where eggs come

Hello, Jerry.

A little while back, Phyllis Diller had a facelift, and it really did wonders

for her.

Now when she walks down the street, the guys look at her and say, oh.

Boy, that's because she looks like one.

Ladies and gentlemen, a nice lady, a lovely lady, a great comedian, Miss

Dillard.

Thank you very much, Dean. You know, the man we are roasting tonight took first

prize on this last Halloween for his costume.

He painted the top of his head blue and went as a ballpoint pen.

He's sort of unlucky. You know, he lost all his hair and still has dandruff.

My friend Don Rickles has all the charm of an earthquake.

And I wrote this joke myself.

But he's kind to animals.

Every night he puts his cat out.

With ether.

out of the grenade in his mouth.

It's not getting any better.

You know, if they're bad, there's no saving them.

It's done, baby.

You know I'm only kidding with all of this. I wish I could say how I really

about you.

But then I'd never get on television again.

Ladies and gentlemen, the most distinguished actor, the star of grief,

Just a long dream.

But then, of course, I've always liked animal acts.

I've been listening here to people casting aspersions on Don.

And about his ability in many areas, but particularly as a comic.

And I think that's rather cruel.

And as an actor, I object to the discrimination.

Because Don is a pretty rotten thespian, too.

You know what a thespian is, Dean?

Oh, sure. I got a turndown from one of them the other night.

Right on.

Let me say this about Don Rickles as an actor.

He's had a very long theatrical career.

You could list all his hit shows on a piece of confetti.

And not many people know this.

This is a fact, but Don was part of the Bonanza cast for all the 14 years we

were on television.

He was our fourth son.

The one we kept in a home.

Don was now blessed with a very beautiful wife, Barbara, two marvelous

and a mother who was moved to Florida.

Changed her name.

And sends Don money every week to stay away.

Don, there will always be a place for you in the theater.

A place where you can do the thing which you are greatest at doing.

And it's right up the aisle, second to the left.

and Martin if you've seen them you know that they're a very unusual team two

straight men

We have not come to praise Don Rickles, nor have we come to bury

him. He has managed to do that pretty well over the years himself.

Now, we have always wondered why Don is so successful and can only be laid to

his material. Great material.

So we have collected some of the greatest of Don Rickles' material, and

word you're going to hear is from Don Rickles' own mouth.

Direct quotes. Right. What did you say?

Verbatim. Very good. Thank you.

First of all, here's one here.

It's in case there's a colored guy on the dais. There happens to be one. Yeah.

To you, Nipsey, sorry about the seating arrangement.

At first, they wanted you out in the hall with a bucket.

If there's a Mexican on it, there is no... Is there a Mexican in the

Must be.

You Mexicans... Hello, Jose.

You Mexicans never fool around with a wife.

You're too busy laying on the floor, fixing the mud so it don't cave in.

Anyway, gang.

What is anyway?

That is anyway. He says it a lot, I don't know. Anyway, anyway, gang.

gang. I might have read it wrong. I guess so.

Sir, you're Welsh, huh? I'll make you feel at home.

Woo! Mine cave -in.

You'll never see a Jew coal miner.

They're usually in the cabin saying, Irving, there's a cave -in down there.

But anyway, gang.

Anyway, gang.

I spent a very thrilling evening with... Come back to

haunt you, don't you?

I watched a fly go up a drape.

Anyway, gang.

I think there's more to that. Oh, but we need the Italians. That's right. This

is the savor. Yeah.

What for?

Oh, yeah. Your pizza's ready, lady.

I quote the words of a great Indian, Geronimo, as he jumped on his horse.

who said to his black servant, stop that tap dancing and give me back my high

hat.

Anyway, gang, one of the greatest black men of our day, Rufus Johnson, said in

Augusta, Georgia, run, baby, run!

And the Jew was right behind him saying, look, I'll sell you a bike.

I quote the words of a great general, Robert E. Lee, who said at Gettysburg, I

think we blew it.

You there, fella, how long you been married?

Four days?

God bless you. Young Jewish kid, right?

If her father -in -law dies, what kind of work are you out of?

You should have taken this one, because I don't understand.

What is this one? That's the biggie. What do you mean, the biggie? Oh, that's

his... That's the one that does it. What is this? Oh, this is his exit? This is

the funniest, yeah.

Oh, this is how he closes the exit.

In show business, he closed with a big right. I'll do my best for him.

Show business is my life.

My humor, ladies and gentlemen, is directed in a way to laugh at ourselves.

It's beautiful.

If you accept...

and deeply grateful.

If not, where the hell's the punchline? Right here.

Oh, we're getting to it. If not, I wish you what you deserve, a

glass of hot milk and a kick of Tijuana.

Would you all please welcome the man who writes every word that comes out of

Don's mouth.

It has been an honor and a pleasure to be associated with you. You are a real

pussycat.

I have watched you perform in New York, in Hollywood, in Miami Beach, in Paris.

When it comes to comedy, Bobby Newhart knows where it's at. Why he don't go get

it, I don't know.

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest psychiatrist I know, Mr. Bob Newhart.

Bob Newhart's spot.

Don is my best friend, which just gives you some idea of the difficulty I have

in making friends.

As some of you may have already known, Don's hotel room was recently robbed.

The only thing that was taken was the music to Don's act.

So far, the Chicago police have picked up 33 ,000 people who might have had a

possible motive.

Don is just about to sign one of the largest deals in the history of Las

Why he is signing Frank's deal, we'll never know.

Don has not done that well in television.

He's had four series now.

The last one, a couple of Don's, received a minus four Nielsen rating.

This means not only was no one watching, but several people without TV sets had

heard about the show and said if they got one, they wouldn't watch it.

That doesn't matter.

I'm going to get it later, so I may have lost it after a few more times.

But Don's career continues to skyrocket.

We'll be announced in a few days in the trades, in the papers, that Don has been

chosen as the national spokesman for Preparation H.

quite excited about.

Many unkind things have been said about Don.

As his best friend, I think it's incumbent upon me to tell you the true

don't think Don will take umbrage at this because Don doesn't know what the

umbrage means.

It's been said that Don never helps other performers.

I remember when I was starting out, Don pulled me aside and gave me some advice.

We have a thing in our business.

Be nice to people on the way up because you meet the same people on the way

down.

Don told me you run into entirely different people and the hell with them.

Many people say Don is not a good father, but Don is very proud of his

Mindy and his son Larry.

I know this. I was in his house at the time.

Larry came in.

Larry wanted a turtle.

And Don rushed out, because anything Larry wants, he immediately rushes to

as soon as the football game is over.

And he brought him back a turtle, and Larry gave it to him the next day and

said, the turtle has blisters on his feet.

And Don took it back to the pet shop.

And the owner said, that's impossible. The turtles don't get blisters on their

feet, and gave him some salve.

And Don helped Larry put the salve on the turtle's feet.

And the next day, Don brought back the turtle. It again had blisters. This went

on for five days.

Finally gave him a new turtle. Don took it back to Larry and gave it to him. And

just as he was leaving, he turned around. Something told him to turn

there was Larry going...

Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but Carol is an audience's best friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's the lovely and talented...

I cannot understand why everyone here tonight keeps picking on poor dear sweet

Don. He's really a very good -hearted man.

Truly he is. I remember once when I was appearing at the Waldorf Astoria in New

York, and I used to sing a number called Don't Take Your Love From Me.

Well, I was singing this song one night, and when I got to the part that goes...

Would you take the wings from birds so that they can't fly? Don was the only

person in the audience who stood up and shouted, yes, yes!

You love audience participation, don't you?

So you see, I am here tonight as one of Don Rickles' friends.

It's a minority group.

So many terrible things have been said about Don tonight that I would like to

say a few nice words about him. You see, I'm not like all of you gentlemen here

on the dais. I don't hate Don. Really, I don't. Because as our president said,

you can't hate anybody you don't respect.

like this Mr.

Russell?

Nipsey is living proof that black is beautiful.

Not funny, but beautiful.

There he is, my good pal, Mr. Nipsey Russell.

They found an orangutan suffering with a hernia, fed him poison from a

rattlesnake bite, gave him the soothing voice of a wild hyena, and he is man of

the week tonight.

Don Nichols, who has the personality of a lemon taster,

without compassion for his fellow performer.

When Peg Legg Bates was seriously ill and down on his luck, Don Rickles gave

money. He said, I know it's tough on you, Peg.

Here's a few dollars to help you out till you get back on your foot.

He had suffered rejection, frustration, only yesterday, in a moment of

flirtation.

Sexy attitude. He tried to pick up a woman on Hollywood and Vine.

And he was chased away by the two Boy Scouts that were helping her across the

street.

She hit him with a crutch.

It's because you're hostile, darling.

Pattern after Dean Martin, a sex symbol and a superstar who upped his prestige

in the business through charm and grace.

He upped his prestige.

What should I do with my hands while I'm singing? Dean said, put them over your

mouth.

In his humor, he makes some ethnic slurs. Well, once when we were all in

Florida, I saw Sammy Davis Jr.

water skiing through the Everglades, enjoying himself immensely.

At the wheel of that boat in the broiling hot sun, pulling Sammy Davis on

water skis was Don Rickles.

I had to shout my commendation. I said, Don, you're beautiful, working so hard

to entertain your little friend.

I said, you're personifying brotherhood.

He said, I'm baiting alligators.

Don Rickles has won many prizes in many places, before many groups by his

philosophical observations.

this group, he's dead.

piano don't go that low.

So I say to you, blow the trumpet of brotherhood, beat the freedom

drum, but don't sing along with my people or we shall not overcome.

is a fine actor who won an Oscar for his portrayal of an imbecile in the movie

Charlie. And after you hear him, you'll know why they picked him for that part.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most versatile actors in Hollywood, Mr.

Cliff Roberts.

Thank you, Dean. I'm very happy to be here tonight because I happen to know

something about Don Rickles that might interest you. For the past 20 years, Don

has been leading a double life.

By night, he's one of America's foremost comedians, the king of the insult, the

pasha, the put -down.

But by day, he has a different profession.

By day, Don Rickles is a priest.

That's right.

He's... pastor right here in Los Angeles at the parish of St. Hockey Pup.

I don't know why you should be so surprised to find out that Don is a

After all, Joey's a bishop, and Eva Marie's a saint, and

I'm going to help her out of trouble right now.

Father Don has totally devoted his life to good works.

Every penny he earns as a comedian, he donates to the Don Rickles Home for the

Incurably Obnoxious.

Some of his congregation have taken a while to get used to Don's style in his

sermon. The church organist wasn't too flattered when Don asked him where his

monkey was.

And I'm done. I'm done.

Don was a little startled once when Don told the man sitting next to her to

please keep his penguin on a leash.

Few people were taken aback at first by Don's version of the marriage ceremony.

Do you, dum -dum, take this fish face to be your awfully wedded yo -yo?

But Don, Don has been very successful as a priest.

The members of his parish are very careful not to commit any sins

That's because repentance,

Don makes him watch reruns of his old TV series.

Incidentally, some of Don's friends couldn't be here. You're amazed how I

talk without looking at the cue cards, aren't you?

But they sent you some wires, and I'm going to read some. Okay.

I am.

Oh, God.

I'm going to sell you this close -up, you know.

That was horrible.

And there's one from Herb Schlosser, the president of NBC. Dear Don, you had a

series on ABC Friday night at 10 o 'clock. It was canceled.

Then you had a series on CBS Friday night at 10 .30, and that was canceled.

Do me a favor, Don. Get off Dean's show fast.

Our next guest is Jack Klugman.

You all know Jack. He's half of the odd couple.

Maybe next time we'll get the funny half.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of two Emmy Awards, Mr. Jack Klugman.

Don has appeared with a lot of great stars, as we know. Clark Gable and Tony

Curtis, Debbie Reynolds, Clint Eastwood. He has appeared with them all.

Once.

In one of the films he gave in the movie Rat Race.

It almost got him to lead in Willard.

Then he made a very important film, Bikini Beach.

Remember that? He played a sand dab in heat.

Then, in quick succession, he was really hot. He made The Man with the X -Ray

Eyes and Enter Laughing and Kelly's Heroes.

Those pictures made it... They really make it easy to sum up his movie career

one word.

Over.

And you remember... Again, he's faking it. Don't make the laughter.

But he's going to make a sensational comeback because next week, Don starts

own life story. He's going to film Deep Mouth.

Thank you,

Jack. And now I'd like you to meet Pat Henry.

Pat!

Worked and traveled with Frank Sinatra for years.

Which is one of the reasons Frank went into retirement.

Very funny comedian, Mr.

Pat Henry.

Thank you, Bill.

As you know, ladies and gentlemen, there's something about Don Rickles very

people know. First of all, Don was born an only twin.

And to look at Don, you know he wasn't a very pretty baby. In fact, at birth,

when the doctor held him up, he slapped him right in the face.

And when his mother saw him, she slapped the doctor in the face.

As you know, Don was a bottle -fed baby.

Even his mother didn't trust him up close.

on the good side of all the kids in school, Don would tell him he had ESP.

Unfortunately, he was trying to spell car.

But you want to know what kind of a guy Don really is.

He once invited Jewel Gibbons over for lunch.

He served him poison ivy.

One of Don's closest friends couldn't be with us tonight because he's up in

Canada filming on location.

But he insisted on being a part of tonight's roast.

So, ladies and gentlemen, direct from Montreal, there's one of Hollywood's

foremost actors, Mr. Kirk Douglas.

Thank you, Jim.

I'm sorry to be up here in Montreal when you're roasting Rickles down there.

That's always been my favorite dish.

Roast weasel.

Who should have said that?

After all, weasels have feelings too.

But actually, I owe a great deal to my good friend Don.

You see, when an actor prepares for a character, he gets ideas from observing

real people all around him.

And Don Rickles has always been a real character.

Now, in many pictures, I pattern my characterizations after him.

For example, I'm doing a picture up here in Montreal right now that's based a

little bit on Don.

It's called Mousy.

Now, if it was really based on Don completely, it would have been called

Rat.

I remember that in Spartacus, I played a gladiator who fought more than 300 men

to death.

That was based on Don. He can't get along with anybody either.

Yeah, Don gave me the inspiration for the dual role of Dr.

Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

You know anybody more two -faced than Don?

He also gave me my characterization for the trumpet player in Young Man with a

Horn, because he's another blowhard with a lot of lip.

Now, in The Bad and the Beautiful, though, it was 50 -50.

I used myself for the beautiful and him for the bad.

And in Champion, my prizefighter like Don didn't know when to quit.

And finally, in my last picture, Scalawag, I played a peg -legged pirate.

who, like Don, doesn't have a leg to stand on, but he sure knows how to steal

the money and run.

Good luck, Don.

Why, Mr.

There's a great impressionist, Mr. Rich Little.

Yes, sir, Rich can... Rich can be anybody he wants to be. Why he chose

to be Rich Little, I'll never know.

as long as me, you'll know how to read them lines, baby.

A really great talent, Mr.

Rich Little.

Thank you,

Dean, for that strange introduction.

that Carol Channing could be here this evening instead of staying at home and

watching Milt Chamberlain drop basketballs in her mouth.

Hey, it really is an honor to be here tonight to pay tribute to this truly

outstanding human being, Don Rickles.

Not many people know this, but Don recently volunteered to take part and a

series of experiments being conducted at the UCLA Medical Center.

See, they're trying out new drugs on Don to see if they're safe for rats.

See, I did that as myself.

But, uh... I've got to laugh.

I know what the impression is.

as you've been saying for years, right?

Why don't you go home and take a warm bath?

Watch the rubber duck drown.

Hey,

I've really been looking forward to this occasion. In fact, a few nights ago, I

had a dream about Don Rickles.

Just my luck.

Actually, it was more a nightmare.

I dreamt that all the world's major political leaders had gathered at the

House in Washington for a conference to bring peace to the world.

And in my dream, Don Rickles was president of the United States.

And he was greeting them all.

Now here are some of the things that President Rickles was saying in my

King Faisal of Saudi Arabia. So, so, so, so, so, so glad you could come.

Hope you find a parking place for your camel.

Anyway, may I say something, Your Highness?

And I say this from the bottom of my heart.

You've got to be the ugliest king I've ever seen in my life.

Your

face

was a building and be condemned.

Nazi time. Oh, I love you. You're a wonderful little guy. You're a little

I know you got a lot on your mind, but try and remember next time, no starts on

the call, huh?

Vidal Castro, what are you doing here tonight, you hockey puck?

What'd you do, get a note from the Russians saying you'd take the night

Incidentally, is that a beard or are you sticking your head under your armpit?

If you see teeth, it's not an ivory hunt.

Anyway, Gary.

Isn't this fun, huh, John?

Huh? Isn't this fun staying up late and everything, huh?

Isn't this great, Miss Bennett, and sitting around the house discussing your

next series?

Anyway, Gary.

Hey, look who's here, all the way from the Soviet Union. Mr. and Mrs. Bresner.

Don't, don't, don't, don't tell me. Let me guess which one is which.

Huh?

I'm so scared for you. Hockey puck, John, we ain't not here tonight.

The last time I was in Tokyo, I met your beautiful wife and your lovely kids.

And I must say, that's quite a set of Tanaka she's got there.

And then all of a sudden, I awoke. The dream was over. I was awakened by the

telephone. I picked it up. It was Don Rickles' agent telling me he wanted $75

,000 for appearing in my dream.

You know, because of Don's biting style of humor, some people have the idea that

he has a cruel streak.

Don't you believe it?

And so, knowing what a fine person Don Rickles really is, it hurts me when I

hear stories about him that I know to be false.

And I would like to take this opportunity to deny some of these nasty

In the first place...

It's not true that when Don was a little boy, he used to hide his grandmother's

bedpan in the freezer.

Simply untrue.

Nor is it true that he staples worms to the ground so that birds trying to pull

them out will get hernias.

It's not true that Don once said to Pope Paul, tell me, Your Holiness, how come

a guy as successful as you never married?

that in Don's home there is a roll of sandpaper in the guest bathroom.

All these boys are completely false. Don Rickles is the kindest, sweetest,

nicest person you will ever meet.

And I am the queen of Romania.

Well, our next speaker is one of Hollywood's outstanding actors, Alex

a man...

whose talent outshines his head.

Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Kojak, Mr. Tully Savara.

I'm glad to whistle on you, baby.

Thank you, dear.

You know, they say that hate and love are very close emotions.

And Don Rickles here is proof of that because he's one of the few people I

to love.

And I can say that sincerely.

Because for a long time now, Don has been one of my, or he claims to be one

my best friends.

During our early days in New York, he used to babysit for me.

He's much more mature, as you know.

Don and I were inseparable.

We had the kind of friendship that nothing could ever break up.

It lasted until he moved across the street.

But to this day, I know I can count on him.

In any emergency, Don, he's always right there when he needs me.

And you know, I played a very big part in Don's life. I was the one who

introduced him to Barbara. Barbara, I'm sorry.

Barbara's his wife.

So I get to pick up the litter.

I also helped straighten her tooth before she married Don.

But she wound up with this molar.

You know, Don and I made a picture together in Yugoslavia. It's called

Heroes.

Yugoslavia. One of the few places in the world where you can still enjoy

yourself without having a good time.

the movie was completed, the whole gang chipped in, presented Don with a gift

certificate for 25 electric shock treatments.

Someone... Someone wants to find an actor as a person who tries to be

everything but himself.

In Don Rickles' case, believe me, anything else but himself would be an

improvement.

An affair like this would not be complete without our next guest.

He's famous for his after -dinner speeches.

He's one of the legends of show business.

And he certainly needs no introductions, though.

But here he is.

A wonderful man.

that I feel in my heart for this wonderful man who was taken away from us

too soon by the

hand of our heavenly father.

However, we can all take solace knowing the dawn

has gone and entered that big stage door in disguise.

To join the other greats from the Halsenders of show business.

Such luminaries as George M. Cohan, Al Jolson, and Ricardo Cortez.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Don Nichols shall not pass this way again, and for

that we can all be great.

poignant day in Don Blunt.

Before the final curtain rang down for eternity,

his lovely wife Barbara

came to his deathbed with her new fiancée, George Bush.

Under that crisis of hatred and cruelty was a layer of warmth.

And under that layer, ladies and gentlemen, was another layer of even

hatred and cruelty.

There's much more I can say, but I have to leave.

I'm doing a moral griffin.

And now it is the request of the family that we all get into our limousines and

drive out to Don's final resting place.

The Farthest Blown Animal Cemetery.

That's Mr.

Charlie Pellett, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome a great astronaut and a great pal of our

of the Week, Captain Eugene Soon.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Dean. I very sincerely want to say I'm very

proud to be called a friend of Don's, and it's certainly a privilege to share

with you this evening this honor.

I guess you'd call it an honor that you're bestowing upon Don, because from

I've heard, you deserve it all.

The real reason I'm here this evening is that I've been credited with with some

people with what many call a remarkable accomplishment.

I'm one of a handful of men who have achieved the near impossible.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, Gene Cernan, have actually spent ten whole

with Don Rickles.

Without belling him in the mouth.

I've known Don for... for quite a few years. As a matter of fact, that may be

one of the main reasons that I chose to go to the moon.

Hopefully to get a little peace and quiet for a change.

And wouldn't you know it, while we're out there a quarter million miles away

from home, on our way to the moon, someone decided to pipe up your act,

into the spacecraft.

I later found out that our mission was a little bit more than just a lunar

landing, but it was somewhat of an endurance test.

They were actually checking our threshold of pain.

But, you know, very sincerely, Don, you would have made a great astronaut, and I

really do mean that.

If we decided to send Don Rickles to the moon, I know we'd all save a lot of

money because I'm sure the vote in America would be for a one -way trip.

has never met Don Rickles.

Boy, that's a lucky guy.

But he asked especially if he could come here tonight just to pay tribute to

him. Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.

Thank you very much.

As the poor Puerto Rican gentleman just told you,

I have

never met Don Rickles.

In fact, he's probably wondering what I'm doing here.

He has never even seen... Never even seen.

He has never seen me before.

He has never heard of me and our paths have never drawn.

However,

Mr. Rickles, you and I do have...

An indirectly real relationship.

You see, I'm fooling around with your wife.

So, you see, we do have something in common.

I hope you understand, Don, that we have tried to keep this very, very discreet.

So don't tell anybody, will you?

My wife would be furious if she found out about it.

Don, I really must compliment you on your spouse, Mrs.

Pickles.

I say that because she's a real dilly.

And I must also admit you have a very lovely home.

Incidentally, you're out of scotch.

Thank you.

If you happen to think of it, pick up some pretzels.

You know, Don, what your wife and I love to do most?

Watching you while you're on TV.

When you're on, we just laugh and chuckle.

And giggle.

And sometimes we even turn the sound on.

And we are always sad when you finish your act.

It means you're on your way home and I better cheese it.

Which reminds me, you're out of Velveeta, too.

Now, please, Don, don't blame your lovely wife for any of this.

Our getting together was all my doing.

It's all my fault.

I haven't been the one who answered her ad in Hollywood pre -press.

Your wife thinks very highly of you, Don.

She tells me you are a wonderful man.

And I know that you must be put up with all her snoring.

She tells me that since she's been Mrs.

Rickles...

dearest Thanksgiving.

By golly, that's what she gets for marrying a turkey.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

It's time for revenge.

Here's our man of the week, the merchant of venom,

Mr. Don Rickles.

Mr. Salmon, Honneth Getz,

Monsignor Duffy, Rabbi Kinby,

and Deacon Leroy.

Some Turks in the back know Deacon Leroy.

Well, uh, get my gathering.

It is a, without question, in fairness to Mr. Dean Martin, this has been one of

the longest evenings I've ever spent in my life.

Except for the drunk.

It was just charming.

I know the hour is late. The dinner was absolutely fantastic.

I must say that.

and water with a guppy in it.

One of the cheapest.

I would like to tell you something about this. They make it seem to you out

there in television land that we're all here with big turkey dinner or something

going.

These people are all called and my name is mentioned like he don't care. He's at

home with his wife going, everybody knows.

He doesn't know he's here right now.

But he's a millionaire, and he says, hey, as a favor, I'll come down and

kid with the Jew for a couple hours.

I say to you, Dean, with all sincerity, if Hitler goes to war, so help me, I'll

back the other side.

Can you imagine if Hitler was at war and he was a general? Hey, I think we ought

to attack.

But I'd like to say, I'd like to clear up a matter right off the bat and tell

you from the top.

Tonight I'm very delighted because this is a long road.

I had my first big break on the Dean Martin show through Dean and Greg

his producer, when they put me on the show for the first time with every

celebrity in Hollywood, and I was completely soaking, perspiring to the

me. And I'd like to say right out in front, so it's not lost in tape, that I

thank you, Dean, really, because if it wasn't...

Your wonderful belief, believing in me and Greg, really, maybe this day would

not have come about.

And I'm forever grateful to you.

I've been, I've been, Gene said he'll drink to that. God bless you, Gene.

His lovely wife sits by the bed every night saying, try to reach the medicine.

When you go this time, a lot of women are going to collect.

No, he's got a lovely wife.

What's her name?

Catherine.

She's a lovely girl. You'll find her in the lobby later going, would you buy me

a sweater?

Probably strictly broad. It's embarrassing, really.

I'd like to say, going down the line, first of all, Nipsey Russell...

A dear friend. Many, many times you've asked to hang out with me, but I felt it

embarrassing.

I being with you, I don't need no watermelon truck around me.

And don't put that over your head. A couple of guys from Georgia will come up

here.

But I love you, Nipsey. Black or white, it doesn't matter to me.

Our society today, we are all brothers in arms. As Nipsey told you people out

there, we just got to get America to buy that.

I love Nipsey.

Oh, we have a seal in the crowd.

I'd like to say to Tully Savalas, from the bottom of my heart, really, Tully, I

kid you, I've never liked you as an actor.

And Tully is the kind of guy with no money that keeps saying to the Russian

girls, you won't fool around.

His wife is listening in, that's inhuman, because he has a wonderful

a wonderful wife, and Tully and all of us in Yugoslavia were lonely, and we

thought of our wives constantly.

May we be paralyzed, God forbid, if we were alive.

But being in Yugoslavia, the biggest excitement we had was watching Tito's

go to the bathroom.

So you must understand.

Bob Newhart made the claim that he was my closest friend. I have never met Bob

Newhart.

I'll put it to you another way. Bob Newhart goes to many gay parties.

That's why you hear him going, uh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to

dance?

Cliff Robinson is a fantastic actor. Cliff is sort of like Clint Eastwood.

of down, kind of, well, you died, Cliff. That's what you did.

Cliff is the type of guy, you're in a raft, and you're alone, and you're a

survivor, and Cliff Robinson is the guy with you, and you want the shark to bite

you on the tushy so you have a little excitement.

But you're a fantastic actor, Cliff. You've told me that many, many times.

And I wish you and your career a lot of luck, really. You're marvelous. And

thank you for coming. We've been so close.

I met the guy once buying a paper.

Well, thanks, Cliff, for coming by. I know how busy you are with your busy

schedule, standing by the studio gate at Warner Brothers saying to the cop at

the gate, won't anybody see me?

Cliff, good luck to you. Rowan and Martin, you were completely bad.

But I say this to Dick and Dan, one of the great teams. They hang out together.

When Dan went on his raft around the world, Dick was saying, I hope the wind

shifts.

But they're a great team. They've had great success. They're going to be on

again this year.

Look at this. They both went, are we?

I don't know.

I hope not.

But I love you both, and you're marvelous men.

Jack Klutman, I say from the bottom of my heart, Tony Randall feels he can work

alone in the series.

You are annoying.

I never knew you had that much hair. You can't even tell.

You see Jack Klugman in real life, you can feel of him in Tully Savalas.

Joey Bishop, we won't bother you. I know you're just resting.

You kid, Joey. I know him a long time. And I said to Joey when I got married, I

said, Joey, I got married. He said, hey, you want to see my car?

Joey and Cliff Robinson could hang out together.

You too, you could just sit in a steam room and watch towels roll up.

Lorne Green, one of the great Jewish men of our time, who was kind of funny

because we all have backgrounds and he's a great American and to be Pop

Cartwright and stand around, it always struck me funny to see this man in

Bonanza saying, all right, boys, let's get the horses up. No Jew rallies horses

around.

No way. We sit in a big wagon and go, bring those horses over here.

Rich Little, someday you gotta do you and maybe your wife will leave you.

You're a magnificent man, Foster Brooks. I cannot say your talent goes without

speaking. You are a marvelous man, really.

Pat Henry is my dear friend. He knows Frank Sinatra personally. In fact,

that close. When Frank takes his car out, Pat runs in front of the car and

checks for mines.

that kind of loyalty anymore.

Frank did say to say hi to you, Dean.

I know how much it means to you.

He's the kind of guy you can save off a bit.

Frank Sinatra was hit by a bus. Well, I'm going to take my nine -iron and

Leave. And then Frank's going to hear your attitude and you're going to wind

in a hook in a garage in Chicago.

Anyway, look at that. The big Irish guy went, what does that mean, Rose?

You Irish guys, they don't know anything. You just know how to go on a

and take a can of beer and go... Well,

we need the Irish.

Because we ain't going to put out no fire. You can better know.

Well, isn't it the truth? Get in there, Captain Duffy! Get in there, Quinn!

Get that fire out!

And the Jewish guys are usually outside. More wood, Herbie. More wood.

And the black man's on the corner going, I bet we get blamed for this, too.

And the Polish kid's going, for what?

I'm a nice guy.

Son of a gun, when you fool with a wife, you must light a match and blow up.

And last but not least,

Captain Cernan, I was overjoyed that this man would be here tonight.

I must say, I was at the launch when Apollo 17 went to the moon.

Many of us forget.

Great courage and great Americans at a time of need with our country today, and

I do not preach politics or just try to do jokes, but in this man I take

exception because he is a delightful, wonderful, great hero.

And I must tell you, ladies and gentlemen, to see that rocket take off

launch pad and to be with his family and his dear ones.

And to watch this great, wonderful human being call me the night before and say,

Hey, Don, we're going to go to the moon to listen. Why don't you go over to the

Tiki Club or what have you with the wife and have a couple of drinks?

It was so casual and so beautiful that I just stood in awe, and I was mesmerized

by this great hero.

I say to all of you Americans, and not to embarrass you, Gene, I thank you for

being here tonight.

Most important, these are all performers, but you are really

gentlemen. I thank you for coming.

I want to... Dean just said, I'll go to the moon tonight.

You would, but nobody would look up.

I must say, from the bottom of my heart, really, and Kirk Douglas, who was so

kind to appear here tonight. Kirk was a dear friend. I was over his house one

night, and we had dinner, and I said, Kirk, how do you feel? He said, how does

my body look?

And I said, wrinkled.

I don't know what I said, but you keep playing everything back.

Just keep drinking and say to yourself, your voice is not dumb.

He's wonderful, though. Can you tell he's 68?

Anyway, Captain, his young wife's in the back. Is that how old he is?

Do you remember the joke?

Tomorrow he dies.

I must say, on behalf of my dear wife that Foster Brooks made some comments

about, she is a lovely lady.

When we were married, I will never forget, on the wedding night, she looked

me and went, this is exciting.

In all honesty, to all you married folks out there, I say from my heart, my

wife, I married a value.

A valium. They're going in the back. The Puerto Rican kid went, what the valium?

And the Mexican guy went, that's something you planted, dumb son of a...

guys.

And the Italian guy, here's your valium.

Anyway... By the way, Phyllis Diller, who I love, really, when she was born,

she must have hit the hospital wall.

why the hair is, you know.

She'd come out and the doctor would, oh, we missed Charlie.

And I've seen many beautiful women in my lifetime.

Phyllis, help her.

She's a lovely comedian and a dear friend and a wonderful husband. Donovan

couldn't be here tonight. His cape blew up.

On the wedding night, he stood on top of the sink and went, Batman!

I can say anything I want.

Stan, Dan Rowan's sitting here going, you can't say that.

What am I going to do? You did on your special and here he is, Charlie and his

monkey.

Anyway, which wasn't bad because that'll be picked up.

Anyway, I'd like you to know that on behalf of my wife, Barbara, my dear

in Florida, who I love dearly, and I spoke to her on the phone tonight. I

Mom, I'm going to be on Dean Martin's show. And she said, send him my love.

She used to know Gabby Hayes.

Anyway, but on behalf of my manager, Joseph Scandori, one of the great

really. He's not here tonight. His ice truck blew up.

On behalf of my manager, Mr. Scandori, my darling wife, Barbara, my mother,

my two children, my mother -in -law, and my family, I have been blessed with one

thing. My humor is aggressive. It is nonsense.

The new hearts are dear friends.

The Maroon and Martins, everybody on this day is tonight.

has made me feel a little bit important.

Each day as an actor, when you take an approach with an image of being

aggressive and strong, you must wake up every morning as my father said.

He said, Don, when you're different, your heart is open to a little ache. But

remember, when you're different, you might capture all the stars, but the

world will not rally around you, but you have a chance of having them notice

you. So go home at night, put your head on the pillow, and thank God for what

you've attained.

And maybe God will look down and say, hey, I am grateful to you, son, for

something different. I like to think that I am different. I like to think

the public will understand me. If they do, I am grateful. To all of you, I wish

you what I have, as I say in my performance when I appear.

People around you who care.

That's our show for tonight. I'd like to thank our guests. And a very special

thanks to our man of the week, Don Ripples.

A man who's free of all prejudices.

He hates everybody equally.

Good night, everybody. I'm on my way home, Catherine.

I'm off to hot chocolate.