Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

From the Ziegfeld Room of the Grand Hotel, some of the world's greatest

entertainers are here tonight. They are in Las Vegas in person as the Dean

Martin Show honors our man of the hour.

And tonight, guess what?

It's going to be Dean with tonight's guests.

Bob Hope.

Orson Welles.

Jimmy Stewart.

Gene Kelly.

John Wayne.

Muhammad Ali.

Steve Kaplan.

Tony Orlando.

Howard Cosell.

Dan Rohn and Dick Martin.

Senator Barry Goldwater.

Joe Namath, Rick Little, Angie Dickinson, Joey Bishop,

Senator Hubert Humphrey, Foster Brooks, Paul Lind,

Georgia Engel, Betsy Russell, and our special guest roastmaster, Don

Rickles.

And here he is.

tonight for the master ceremonies. This is one of the great all -time thrills

I've ever had.

This is a bigger thrill than watching Pat Boone autograph hockey pucks during

the ice bollocks.

My wife Barbara summed it up best earlier this evening. She said to me,

said, really?

I think that's the way my wife talks.

It's going to be an exciting evening.

But don't go by her. She said that on our wedding night.

My wife told me to be polite this evening.

By the way, she'd be with us tonight, my lovely wife Barbara, but unfortunately

she swam in our pool today with her jewelry on and drowned.

Tonight we are honoring our man of the hour, Dean Martin.

You heard the applause, Dean, I'd worry.

Can you imagine him, huh?

Imagine him if he was in the infantry in World War II. Attack!

Oh, I want to go lay down first.

And so, who are we honoring tonight?

A man who has trouble finding his legs.

This is quite a dais. I haven't seen so many tuxedos since the Osmond brothers

had their annual prom.

Isn't it beautiful, Dean? Look at all these beautiful people here to pay

to you. The Senator, Rich Little, Paul Lind on the end. Paul, if you want to

order, do it now. The kitchen's going to close.

Sorry about your seat, Paul. Why don't you get a pillow so you can see us?

What an exciting night, folks. You can't believe it. I have chills just looking

around, seeing all these people. Senator Goldwater, sorry about the election.

It could have been the president. We could have hung out together. Gee.

How do you feel, Bob?

Spoke to the Texaco company. You're going to blow up Thursday.

Bless you, Bob. Keep that image. They don't know at home you run around in

underwear going, Where's Dolores?

You remember Dolores, the missus?

Uh, Jimmy?

I spoke to the family. You're doing well.

You're doing well, Jimmy.

Spoke to the wife. She's leaving you.

Let it out, Orson. Let it right out.

Orson's mopey dick water comes out of his navel.

We have a wonderful night. We're going to honor Dean Martin, ladies and

gentlemen. He's a great man.

He passed away about three years ago.

Mohammed, if you get a chance, could you watch me?

No, he's a great champion. I remember when you fought your last fight, he

in the corner and said, I'm winning.

Listen, it's such a great thing to see all these wonderful guests, Dean, to see

Howard Cosell. And I'll tell you, Howard, from the bottom of my heart, you

even tell. It's perfect.

Come on, Senator, I laughed at you when you lost.

A great state of Iowa, Arizona!

Vote Maybach!

Oh, the other senator, he just went.

I'm from Minnesota. Let's have a party.

I kid you, Senator.

You know how much you love. Look at the seats you've got.

Later on, the Senators do back in Arizona to stand around on the highway

look at that, a car.

I kid you, Senator Goldwater, I respect you.

Jimmy, I respect him.

Good to see Angie Dickinson sitting next to Joe Namath. When I blow the whistle,

yell hike.

Anyway, Jimmy, morning.

Last night he fell into his own pants.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of reasons why we should honor this man

tonight. First of all, he's Italian, and I love the Italian people.

I'll never forget the word of Carmine Ganganonzo, who said to me in Brooklyn

a Saturday night,

Marchesi

Papanini, Ungazano Alfano Cupazzo, Stuttanini Undanini

Gundalano. Look at this. I'm making up names in Goldwater's writing them down.

Other people can work you over.

Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while

singing an opera. You ever watch them?

I got an album.

Dean, do you understand any of this? If you do, blink twice.

If you don't, blink three times and we'll let you go to the toy toy.

But it's your night, boy.

It's your big night.

And I'm perspiring.

I'm getting malaria.

A Japanese guy went, Oguri, guri.

Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for some of the years.

This man was married to a great many women in his life.

They're all flat now.

But this is a great creative talent. I cannot say enough about him. I will not

embarrass him. I've made jokes about him because I've always believed when

you're important, that is my belief in life, when you're important, you're

certainly open to ridicule and fun and criticism.

This man is open mostly to fun, certainly not ridicule. He's a fantastic

And I never had the pleasure, personally, until tonight when I leaned

said, Mr. Wells, I'm Don Rickles. And he said, who cares?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Orson Welles.

for that well -meant but rather pedestrian introduction.

Regarding yourself, I quote from the third part of Shakespeare's Henry VI,

II, Scene I.

Richard speaks, Where thy heart is hard as steel, as thou hast shown it flinty

by thy deeds, I come to pierce it, or to give thee mine.

To translate into your own idiom, Donald, you're a yo -yo.

to Dean Martin, who is being honored here tonight for reasons that completely

elude me.

No, I'm not being fair to Dean because, no, this is true.

In his way, Dean, and I know him very well, has the soul of a poet. I'm told

that in his most famous song, Dean offers a lyric which is so romantic, so

touching, that it will be enjoyed by generations of lovers until the end of

time.

Let's share it together.

When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie,

that's amorous.

Now that's what I call touching, Dean.

It has all the romanticism of a Tidy Bowl commercial.

When the world seems to shine,

Like you have had too much wine.

That's amore.

What a profound thought.

Could be inscribed forever on a cocktail napkin.

See, say this more.

Tippy -tippy -tay.

Like a gay tarantella. Like a gay tarantella?

Apparently, Dean, there's a side view we know nothing about.

I think you drew like a pastor. Excuse me, but you see back in old Napoli,

that's Amore. No, Dean.

That's Infermo, Italian for sickening.

Now, lyrics like that, lyrics like that ought to be issued with a warning.

A song like that is hazardous to your health.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're now looking at the end result.

along with our bombastic review, we have a great show for you tonight.

A guy that I've seen on Hollywood Squares many, many times. Perry Como

discovered this guy in Florida in a swamp sucking on a crocodile's neck.

He's a fantastic star.

He's been in my dressing room many times going, I'm a fantastic star.

He just recently returned from Guam where he was there waiting for the war

end.

The black guy went, I didn't know the war was still on.

Horace did one. I did.

Great artist, Mr. Paul Lee.

Vanity Hour.

I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here. The only thing I give this up

for is being guest of honor at a flash flood.

I suppose I'm here because I did some of Dean's variety shows.

They were television's first family hour.

If you happen to come from a broken family.

In case you're interested, Dean and...

I don't socialize very much. We have very different tastes. I prefer museums,

gourmet cuisine, legitimate stage.

Dean likes bocce ball, pizza,

and the pussycat theater.

To him, an intellectual discussion is analyzing the plots.

of Gilligan's Island.

And when it comes to culture, forget it.

When Dean went to the ballet and saw everyone up on their toes, you know what

said?

Why don't they just get taller girls?

I remember once going to a party at Dean's house. It was really quite

Well, unique isn't exactly the word.

The word is tacky.

First of all, he had me picked up in his private limousine of $50 ,000 Mercedes

Benz with a plastic hula girl hanging from the mirror.

You should see some of the people he had working at the party.

It's the first time I'd ever seen valet car stripping.

Half the guests were outside writing down the numbers of police cars.

You can always judge a person by the paintings in his house.

Well, the most tasteful picture I saw on Dean's wall was an unsigned seascape

from the Good Times Motel.

When I got real lucky, Dean introduced me to some of his personal friends,

Carmine, Benny, Big Louie, Nunzio, and Nails De La Rosa.

That was his priest.

has to get in training for the big football season that's coming up next

just finished a great year with the jets they finished the season one of the

greatest quarterbacks of all time who said to the jets hurry it up i gotta

this chicken about an hour they kid about joe being looking for women and

searching and wandering he's now 32 years old and he's tired of sitting and

looking in the mirror going hope this clears up

Alabama University, where all the broads went, I just kippity -doo -dah.

Kippity -day.

I don't care what fuck I ride, I'm gonna ride it today.

They call him Broadway Joe. They can call him most anything under the sun.

the game starts, he's a champ.

Joe Naiman.

In fact, after last season, I'm glad to be anywhere.

It was so rough last season, I may need another operation.

They want to remove some cartilage from my left knee and Mean Joe Green's helmet

from my chest.

It was a rough season. Actually, I do have a selfish motive being here

I just found out that one of the major studios wants to make my life story as a

movie. Really, the perfect one to play my part in my life is Dean Martin.

I mean, why not? For years, I've been playing his.

Dean would be perfect playing me. He even has my characteristics. We're both

broad -shouldered and broad -minded.

I'm known for the long bomb.

Of course, Dean, he's been bombed for a long time.

The President of the United States is indeed one of the rarities of our life.

Ladies and gentlemen, such a man is here tonight to honor Dean. We are all

delighted. He is an American and a true one, the great Senator Barry Goldwater.

I appreciate that round of applause.

It seemed to create a little draft, which may be what my good friend Hubert

has been waiting for.

You may wonder why I stand here attempting to match wits with the likes

Hope, Don Rickles, Paul Lynde.

It's unfair for me to compete with comedians.

After all...

I've had 19 years of comedy experience in the United States Senate.

I'm proud to list Dean Martin as a dear, close friend.

And to show the depth of his friendship at my last re -election, Dean drank to

my good health.

He also drank to an armadillo.

Now, when I arrived here in Las Vegas, Dean invited me to a party to meet some

of his friends.

And I'm sorry I had to turn down your offer, Dean.

But lately I've learned from the newspapers that if you're a politician,

better not get introduced to strangers by Italian singers.

This being an election year, I feel that it's healthy for our country to have...

as wide a choice of candidates as possible.

What I'm suggesting, it's not too late for a new candidate.

And for those who aren't gone on wrong or all aboard for Ford, I proudly

offer a third choice, Dinos or Bambinos.

There's room in our political spectrum for the man of the hour.

If not president, then maybe something even more important, senator.

In these troubled times, the country needs candidates to look up to.

And Dean, I suggest, is the perfect father figure. One might even say

figure.

that my candidate is for full employment, just consider what he's done

farm workers.

On martinis alone, he's kept 10 ,000 olive pickers in business.

My candidate believes in equal opportunity for women.

He chooses all the gold diggers personally.

To find out if they give off the right vibrations, he has the most unusual

He taps each gold digger with a tuning fork.

leaving no stern untuned.

I told Earl Butts that joke wouldn't work.

You know, I wish we had a hundred like you in Washington.

Unfortunately, we have 10 ,000.

Dean, a lot of your friends throughout the country

Couldn't be here at the MGM tonight. However, they sent some telegram, which

going to read.

Dear Dean, you're the only man I know who falls down more than I do. Signed,

President Ford.

Senator Goldwater went, not even funny.

Here's a telegram from General Franco, but you better not read that now.

Here's one from the Smithsonian Institute.

Thank you for considering us for your future donation.

But we have the livers of five dinosaurs that are in better condition than

yours.

Ladies and gentlemen, the next lovely star that I'm about to introduce is the

star of Police Woman. I'm happily married.

I think of this lady often.

I want to be with a soap head.

I love my wife, but my wife is ill.

She's a lovely star. She's known as Pepper Schmutzkedick, whatever her name

Pepper, Pepper Pot, whatever they call her. I never miss the show. I use it for

a nightlight when I fool around with my wife.

It's a great show.

Number four in the country, so you know how our country is going.

Hubert Humphrey went, is there something wrong with the country?

Forget about it. I had my shot.

I'd like to bring on this girl.

And when we bring her on, let's have the whole day as attacker.

is The Police Woman is a great show. Isn't it a great show, Orson? Great.

You're in Spain. How would you know?

You're sitting around in Spain going, Ole! Ole!

Sorry, Jimmy. I woke you up. I'm awfully sorry.

Jimmy was taking a quick nap and we snapped him out of it.

Anyway, I'll put you in a hot tub and watch your duck sink.

Barry Goldwater went, Now it's starting to roll.

What am I bid for this broad before I introduce it?

Look at this. The old guy went, $4.

and bite into a tongue sandwich, Don. May it be your own tongue.

Dean, you know, I've been a long -time fan of yours, even before Rio Bravo.

And I especially liked when you

played Nat Helm, that dashing spy.

Or as we called you around the studio, James Bombed.

you're so good as a detective in movies I thought maybe you could do an episode

of Police Woman I can just see us together Pepper and Schlepper

we'd have the script tailored just you know for your

image and talent we'd have the scene where you jump out of the car and you'd

okay up against the fender and I'm gonna frisk you from head to toe and I oh I

hope it's me

have the dramatic scene where you you'd come to me and you'd say pepper I'm

quitting the force and I'd say why Dean why why and you'd say

they just gave me orders to go down to a back alley and take a pint away from a

wino you see the Dean that's police brutality

and then we get back in

to our patrol car after I'd persuade you to stay on the force.

And we'd go to a neighborhood filled with people doing dangerous,

things. My jaws are so tired.

Hey, this isn't a dental show. Just do your act and get off.

Well, that's the idea.

Now do your job.

Let's get back in the alley.

and he will go down in history, I say that from my heart, the great champion

Muhammad Ali.

Mr.

Dean Martin, looking at you reassures me that when God

created you, he had a sense of humor.

I would like to give you some advice.

Some good advice.

I'm not... Just don't give me your right, that's all.

The man who has no imagination stands on the earth. He has no wings,

he cannot fly.

Is that too heavy for you?

Let's see, Howard Cosell, everybody.

You have an imagination, I'm sure.

Why is it that I'm the most famous, the most successful, the greatest fighter of

all times? Because I have an imagination.

You have an imagination. You have a gimmick.

You act like you're crazy.

What are you laughing about, Cosell?

Don't open your mouth to me.

Cosell, this is not your show. I'd have made you famous enough.

you all over the world so everywhere i go you follow me to get publicity every

time i want to show you come you follow me all around so we don't want to why

did you invite him

so

let me tell you something else tell him when it's over are

you telling me

Wouldn't it be a heck of a combination if he was my manager?

You don't steal, do you? No, no, no way, Muhammad, unless you say so.

Wait, hey, anything you say, I do.

Why do you talk like that?

Well, that's just to put on.

You can still talk like you're supposed to talk. I know. Now, if you met an

Italian, do you talk in Italian?

No, no. I never talk in front of them. I tap them.

You know, since I was a kid, as I said to him in the dressing room, I said,

I was nine, Jimmy, I saw you in your last movie, you know.

And they lifted him up.

They lifted him up out of his makeup chair, and he went, oh, really?

But we kid about Jimmy Stewart. Why?

Because he's a great star. He's Hollywood.

He knew all the greats. Clark Gable, Hunts Hall, Leo Gorsuch.

He just came back from England where he starred in Harvey.

He came here, right from England, to be with Dean.

Jimmy should be put in a home.

Guy gets off a plane and comes right here to be with this Charlie bomb juice

here.

He's got to belong in a home. Let's face it.

I said, Jimmy, why are you here? I don't really know.

I'm delighted to share the dais with a man who's being honored, Dean Martin, by

his dear buddy, one of the greats, Jimmy Stewart.

Don, I thank you.

I was just sitting there

watching you up here. It reminded me of a picture I did not very

long ago, and it had...

the same kind of warmth and gentility.

The picture is called The Man Who Shot Liberty Valley.

We're really here to pay our respects and pay tribute to Dean Martin.

I'm sure Dean will remember this occasion the rest of his life.

Too bad he won't remember it tonight.

One thing you have to say about Dean, he knows how to relax. I remember we did a

picture together called Bandolero several years ago, and Dean was forced

off a three -story building.

And he was forced to do it. And right in the middle of it, he fell asleep.

lot of fun in the picture we every day we practice shooting by lining up a

bottles on the fence and before i had a chance to get my gun out of the holster

i dean drank the target i've got something to tell you a little more

serious than that because i and i want to do it at this time i on that same

picture uh dean saved me from drowning as a matter of fact he

he saved my life it was we were doing this scene and we were

crossing a river and i fell off my horse and and dean rescued me and

pulled me to shore and gave me mouth -to -mouth resuscitation

and you know you

can't imagine what effect mouth -to -mouth resuscitation

From Dean Martin to me.

I was going

back to my hotel room to learn the lines and study the scene for the next day,

and all of a sudden I said to myself, I ought to heck with it.

I'll just show up when the cameras start and read it off the cue cards.

day, during lunch break, without knowing it, I found myself in a phone booth

calling a gold digger.

Would you believe it? I ended up with Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis. We were

our way to Acapulco. They were having a big blast.

So, Dean, if it's okay with you, will you...

The next time you see me drowned, just leave me there.

Ladies and gentlemen, a bright new star and a dear friend to Dean and

to all of us, Mr.

Gabe Kaplan.

about Dean's drinking, and I think all these jokes about Dean's drinking have

gotten out of hand.

I mean, people talk so much about Dean's drinking, they forget his other vices.

He has so many vices that AA wouldn't take them. He had to join EA.

Everything's anonymous.

It's not that Dean drinks.

It's what he does when he drinks.

I mean, asking Kate Smith to go to Hawaii for the weekend.

Going to an orthopedic hospital and singing Breaking Up is Hard to Do.

I mean, I've heard of guys having blackouts, but Dean can't remember

that happened between the years 67 to 71.

But Dean likes sports, and he likes to drink. So I am going to enter Dean in

first annual Drunks Olympics.

Yes, they're going to have events like the Wino Povolt.

They set the bar at six inches.

Another event is the Hop, Skip, and Bar.

Then they have the Decathlon.

Ten drunks trying to find their cars.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all -time greats. That's the biggest word I

say. One of the all -time greats and a man that Mr. Martin cherishes and

everyone on this day is. Ladies and gentlemen, the great man himself, Mr.

Kelly.

I'm very pleased I could be here to honor my old buddy, Dean, because

actually... We met many years ago through Frank Sinatra, and that's the

At that time, Frank and I were doing an MGM musical called Anchors Away.

It was all about two sailors trying to win World War II by singing, tap

and begging Jose and Terby to play the piano.

Well, it must have worked.

We won.

That's when he told me he had a new friend in town, Dean Martin.

Also known as a Steubenville slosher.

And that they were partying it up every night at Dean's favorite Italian

restaurant.

Frank was nice enough to invite me to come along.

When I walked into the place, I got my first inkling that it was, uh, not one

your Duncan Hines -approved restaurants.

A hat -check girl wouldn't let me in unless I checked my hands, which I did.

Yeah, you don't say no to a hat -check girl named Bruno.

Dean, it's been great knowing you all these years.

You're my kind of guy.

You really are.

You put your cards on the table and yourself under it.

without any further ado, a man that we all respect and love, Democrat or

Republican. He's the former senator from Minnesota.

He is the distinguished senator from Minnesota.

He will be the former senator from Minnesota.

Not Minnesota.

Minnesota. Minnesota.

Not Soder.

Okay, fine.

A great man, and I am delighted that he's here for Dean, and ladies and

gentlemen, without any further ado, the great Senator, Mr. Hewlett Humphrey.

introduction I've been here just literally fascinated watching you emcee

prestigious affair and I'm amazed at your tireless ability to talk talk

how good it is to be here with my

friend and colleague Barry Goldwater you know we we do have very much in common

we both ran for president we were both defeated

And neither one of us can recognize former vice presidential candidate

Miller unless he holds up his American Express card.

Dean, as I sat here and listened to your friends talk about you, I was amazed.

Really, I've never heard such scurrilous things being said about anyone.

who wasn't running for office.

Some of you out there in election land may wonder what a politician is doing on

a show business roast.

But why not?

The fine line between show business and politics is getting finer all the time.

In fact, one of our distinguished opponents from the other side, as you

a former actor.

I don't want to mention his name because according to the equal time rule, If I

do, I'll have to mention the names of every other candidate, and we would be

here till way after the 11 o 'clock news just with the Democrats alone.

Now, tonight in 1976, our bicentennial year, we have come to honor Dean Martin

as the man of the hour.

But I believe that Dean could have been the man of any hour in our nation's

glorious history.

Why can't you just see, Dean, at the very birth of our nation, you know, the

Revolutionary War?

He may not have fired the shot heard round the world, but he would have drunk

it.

At the Battle of Bunker Hill,

when the British were attacking,

I can just hear Dean electrifying the colonists with his immortal cry, don't

fire till you see the reds of their eyes.

You will recall that Paul Wevere rode through Middlesex County at midnight,

waking up the revolutionary soldiers, sending them from their warm beds to the

battlefield.

Dean would have fallen up, riding from door to door, unselfishly comforting the

lonely wives.

is modest about his patriotism, but his pretended ignorance of American history

is a sham.

I know for a fact that he remembers and relives the Whiskey Rebellion.

It occurs to me, Dean, that you probably are related to the original discoverer

of America.

He, too, was an Italian.

When he started out, he didn't know where he was going.

He didn't know where he was when he arrived, and he didn't know where he had

been when he got home.

And so we're here to pay tribute to this one man for all seasons.

Now, despite the fact that members of this dais come from different walks of

life than we do, with varied political philosophies, But isn't that the

way?

Here I am from the Democratic Party, Barry Goldwater from the Republican

and we're both here to honor Dean Martin, who is in favor of a third

fourth party, or a fifth party, or any party, as long as the ice holds out.

Jimmy right away leans back, and then we got a lot of talk.

Anyway, uh, Ubit, when I blow the whistle, move up, too.

Anyway... Hey, this is what... Look at the elderly lady

who's going, How do I look, Harold?

Nobody's looking at you, lady. Forget about me.

Except Bob Hope, who's lonely.

You don't look at an old lady.

It's what you feel in your heart.

Do you fool around at all?

The man who probably knows Dean Martin better than anyone else is his

producer for the past 12 years.

In order to handle talent like Dean, a producer has to be strong, vigorous, and

forceful. Well, here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Dean's longtime producer, the dynamic, rugged Gary Von Grixen.

Thank you, Mr.

Rickles.

As you say, I've been Dean Martin's television producer for 12

years.

And the first thing I'd like to do tonight is to say hello to him.

Well, it's one easy.

Didn't you notice?

Nervous for a wreck.

See this?

Before I met you, I used to be like this.

He could drive you crazy with those cue cards.

He could cheer you harder.

Can you read that?

It's a pleasure to introduce the great John Wayne. Duke, it's all over. How

can you ride into the sunset?

It's murder when they gotta give you a chair and boost you onto the horse.

But you're a great man. Marion Morris. I guess years ago you dressed up and

mixed.

But, Duke, that's what all your friends call you, Duke.

I call you Mr.

Annoying.

Important man.

A man that made the West and all of us live in a great, wonderful, wonderful

Walter Mitty world.

One of the great giants of the motion picture screen, Mr. John Wayne, better

known as Duke, to his buddies.

Thank you, children.

As soon as I figure out what you said, I think I'm going to get sore.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's nice being here, and I hope you don't mind the way

walked out. It's just my impression of Rich Little.

Hello, old -timer.

Wait a minute. What happened?

You must have crammed in a lot of living since our last picture.

I got a 60 -year -old saddle that looks better than you do.

I feel kind of close to this wrinkled old wrangler, because Howard Hawks and I

sort of broke him into westerns.

Before that, he'd made a lot of musical junk, you know, kissing girls, guys

leaping all over, singing and dancing, fancy costumes, you know, that red silk

handkerchief. Well, the first time he showed up on the set of Rio Bravo, he

decked out all right in authentic cowboy outfit.

but he had that red silk handkerchief hanging out of his holster.

I pointed out to him that his pretty jingling silver spurs sounded musical,

that he had them on backwards.

Incidentally, partner, that Durango Motel says you still owe him $200 for

ripped sheets.

And the cocktail.

waitress figures that $9 ought to about do for the pantyhose.

This by Santa here is some kind of an actor, I'll tell you that. In fact,

I really wanted you to co -star with me in my last picture.

Park called for a brave, rough, tough, brawling sidekick. I figured you were

perfect. The studio insisted on Katie Hepburn.

so when you take in rooster cogburn see all those love scenes dino remember it

was supposed to be you and me well enough of this buffalo butter

enough jokes i'd be a liar if i didn't tell you that i love this lush he's been

my friend for the best years of my life he's done for me what he's done for

millions of people all over the world because like so many of you i Feel good

every time I see him. I'm entertained by him.

I laugh with him as well as at him.

And when I leave him, I worry that he'll find his way home.

Dino, to you.

May you live forever.

And I say this from the bottom of my heart.

May you live forever.

And may the last voice you hear be mine.

To you, pilgrims.

It's movie time. In the last three years, a lot of big stars have appeared

Dean's roast.

And even though they couldn't be here tonight, we wanted you to see their

touching tribute to Dean.

I've been watching you on TV for years.

A lot of years.

I heard all those stories about the way you boozed it up. I just want to tell

you, if you fall down tonight, I'm not picking you up because it's not my job.

Look at Dino. He don't know where the hell he is.

Happy, smiling, relaxed.

He still thinks he's on every week.

I just love this man, but I really wish he wouldn't drink so much.

And Dean claims he only drinks when he smokes.

Right now, he's up to eight cartons a day.

Now, I think you're about to see a television first.

Dean accidentally drank a glass of water, and he's going to self -destruct

five seconds.

Thank you, Mr. Martin, and may I say it is very gratifying indeed to see one of

my patients doing so well.

might set a bad example for his many viewers.

After only one consultation, he vowed that he... This is what he said to me.

He said, no more drinking on the air.

And this is what he did. He would take his tuxedo and dip it in booze, and then

from time to time, he would just tuck his sleeve.

As you can see, nothing upsets him. Nothing upsets him.

Although the energy crisis had him worried, he heard they might limit the

to two gallons a day, and he thought they were talking about booze.

You know, I know he said that I am his good friend, but I think he's got me

mixed up with somebody else, because when I came in here tonight, he said,

hi, Ernest, how's Julio?

Now, you said I couldn't say any drunk jokes about him.

Oh, no, I hate to lay off that stuff. It's ungentlemanly, it's unsporting.

It's not fair to make fun of an unfortunate individual who's the victim

affliction the demon runs.

Excessive libation is a serious problem.

I'm sure Dean will drink to that, huh?

Dean's got so many grapes in him, he's being picketed by Cesar Chavez.

This might easily be the biggest moment of my life because standing up here on

this day is with Dean Martin, the wino, on one side of me, and Michael Landon,

the milk drinker, on the other side of me. While he's fermenting, he's

You don't remember me, but I was your first wife.

Dean. At least they measure my weight in pounds.

Yours is in quarts.

You know, I've always liked Dean Martin because he did a nice thing for me one

time.

After one of my jumps, I was in the hospital and he donated a pint of his

in my name.

There was one problem. I was a little young then and they won't let anybody

under 21 have it.

I'm going to say something about you, pal.

You and I have simpatico.

Dean and I have been on more floors than Johnson's wax.

Tonight, absolutely thrilled witnessing this remarkable sight.

Gleason being roasted and Dean's already stewed.

Night to find a person of your heritage sitting up.

I don't know. He's sitting here nude.

He just put a tuxedo on the front part and the bottom. He's all nude and he's

a little therapy pool.

Look at this Bob Hope winter.

He's looking for oil.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet a man who is my dear friend. He is

fooling around with my wife.

Joey Bishop is a fun guy. He's the kind of guy, when you have a loss in the

family, bring him as a mourner.

He doesn't have to know who they are. He just sits by the cash and goes, hey,

it's a damn shame.

He knows Frank Sinatra personally, and when they had the clan, Dean and Frank

and Peter Lawford, I wasn't in that group, but Joey was, and he used to run

front of Frank's car and check for grenades.

He is a great star and a friend to Dean and to all of us, Mr. Joey Bishop.

I'm delighted to see Bob Hope here.

Thank God it means we're not at war.

I've known Dean for many years, and I consider it an honor and a privilege to

have been associated with and know Dean.

People say, does he drink?

Some people say, no, he pretends.

One night he pretended so well it took three guys to carry him home.

He does not pretend.

Dean Martin drinks.

I saw him one night walking around with a snake in his hand trying to kill a

stick.

I have not lived until you have seen Dean Martin in a drunken stupor

for his dog.

Here, boy.

I cannot believe that we are here tonight honoring a guy who a few feet

away from us cannot see us or hear us.

happy to see Senator Humphrey here. There's something I meant to bring up. I

hope, Senator, you realize I do this with a great deal of respect, and I hope

you will not be embarrassed by it. But about eight or nine years ago, we were

both in Philadelphia.

We shared a cab.

You wished to pay the cab fare, but you had no money with you.

And I offered to pay the cab fare, and you said, no, no, no, just loan me $10

and let me pay the cab fare. Do you remember the incident in Philadelphia?

Okay. You have no lines. Just nod.

So I could have asked him for the $10, but I says, no.

Hey, maybe one day he'll be president of the United States, and I can very

proudly say the president of the United States owes me $10.

Now what I'd like to say is, if you don't think you're going to make it this

time, I'd like to have the $10.

because I bet him that he would win.

We'll now take a moment of silence while I introduce this fine gentleman, Rich

Little.

He's the best impressionist in the world. This I know because he's told me

time and time again.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Rich Little.

What has this dummy ever done for me?

Oh, yeah, gave me a minute in his dressing room once. Told me he was a big

gave me a cookie, and told me to go away.

I'm rolling, I'm rolling.

I'm a nice guy. Am I going too fast for you, Don?

Why don't we put a cord on you, Navel, and float you out here as the Goodyear

blimp?

There's Gene Kelly. And you know why Gene Kelly stayed so young through the

years? His voice never changed.

There's Orson Welles. The wings of man.

And John Wayne here tonight.

Yo.

And Howard Kelston.

a man who was slowly becoming a legend in his own mind.

Then, of course, Hubert Humphrey is Hubert. I'm pleased as punch Humphrey is

here.

I was saying to my wife, Muriel, just the other day, I said, Muriel, and she

said, that's right.

Jimmy Stewart.

Paul

Lynn

was here.

Oh, I think this roast is disgusting.

wanted to present Dean Martin's first partner, Gladys Lewis.

I'm sorry I ever made it with you.

All this could have been yours, so just eat your heart out.

And you, you mozzarella mashem.

You know, I'll never forget the first time that he saw me in a bikini. He

oh, boy.

Because you look like one.

When I first met him, he only sang in the shower. Well, take it from me,

he didn't have much to sing about.

circuit. Where'd we go?

Louisiana, Texas, Florida.

We never worked up north.

He did his best working heat.

Because of him, I went to a plastic surgeon.

At first, the doctor thought I was hopeless.

In those days, they didn't have industrial strength.

That's where I found him.

He's a fine... Tony Orlando and Dawn just have skyrocketed to fame. I was

backstage before, and I said, Tony, how do you feel? And he said, I'm

skyrocketing.

He's a Greek and has Puerto Rican blood, and it's a mixture, and when he's born,

he came out as an olive.

Ladies and gentlemen, a wonderful young star, Mr. Tony Orlando.

After watching you here tonight, Don, I realized I made a mistake in one of my

songs. I should have called it Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round Don Rickles' Tongue.

Ten years ago, I tried to sell a song to you, Dean.

I don't know if you remember that. Yeah, I remember when I went to NBC and

pulled in the parking space next to yours.

I knew it was yours because yours was the only one on a slant.

You suggested we talk at your house, so I followed you home.

You're amazing, Dean Martin, you're amazing.

Mulholland Drive has 500 curves, and you did it in one straight line.

Dean, I would like very much to pay tribute to you, because after all, you

the light. You were the one that, when I first saw you, that I said to myself,

yes, I want to be an entertainer.

And I can't, I can't find a way to express my thanks.

And I hope this is proper tonight in its roasting tradition to pay tribute to

you this way. I'd like to pass on to you a piece of advice that Dean has given

me. He said, prior to going on your show, Tony, remember three things.

One, be considerate to your audience.

Two, be kind to them. Three, be drunk.

see Georgia Rangel on the Mary Tyler Moore show, I can't get over her sweet

gentle way.

She's a girl who wouldn't hurt a fly.

She'd try to talk it into committing suicide, but she wouldn't hurt it.

and gentlemen, a girl who's so considerate, if you would, she carries

credit cards for purse snatchers. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Georgia Rangel.

for some more of those hard -hitting zingers the producer gave me to say

the stars here on the dais.

I hope I don't hurt anybody's feelings, but here come the clouts, the put -down

stick, and a couple of rimshot hits.

Ba -dum -ba -dum.

I'm glad to see Bob Hope on the dais.

Bob misses entertaining servicemen so much, he bought his own war.

say that, Mr.

Hope. I know how you feel about our men in uniform.

I saw you earlier today doing a monologue for Three Bell Hops.

It's a privilege seeing Orson Welles here tonight.

He's such a great actor.

They say he used to chew up the scenery, and when you look at him, it's pretty

obvious he did.

glad to see Don Rickles here. I hope the network doesn't see him or they'll

cancel this show too.

And now we come to our guest of honor, Dean Martin.

Oh, I hear that Dean was found this morning with his bed on fire.

He said, don't blame me. It was on fire when I got in.

this morning, and you were exactly where you were last night, on the floor in

the lobby.

I hope I didn't say anything bad about anybody, and that's it for the video.

Thank you, Georgia.

There she goes, the Tinkerbell of the Hell's Angels.

Those of us in comedy really respect.

Get ready, Nipsey.

It's either that or we both take the train to Baltimore.

He's a real pro and a superb monologist. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nipsey

Russell.

The doctor said, he said, the best thing for any man's health is to give up

women, give up whiskey, and give up staying out at night. Dean said, Doc, I

don't deserve the best. What's the next best?

I'm overwhelmed by his vitality and his dynamism and his youthful appearance.

I said to him, Dean, what is the secret?

How do you look young? He said, the best way to look young is to hang out with

old people.

social topics.

I asked him, I said, Dean, do you think black children should be bused to white

schools? He said, hell no, let them take a cab.

I said, but it's always sex and drinking and carousing. I said, don't you know

what good, clean fun is? He said, no, what good is it?

He has a very weird sense of humor.

He takes pornographic film home and runs it backwards. He likes to see people

get dressed and leave.

So I say, Dean Drucker, sober, rich or poor, cloudy or fair weather,

I'll stand beside Dean Martin because we Sicilians stick together.

We haven't talked much about Dean Martin's past tonight.

One element which hasn't been touched upon is the fact that in his formative

years, he was a member of the Boy Scouts.

We are proud to have with us tonight the leader who helped form our man of the

hour, his scoutmaster from Steubenville, Ohio, Mr. Foster Brooks.

I'm here at the MGM Grand Hotel tonight to...

I'm here to...

My

bosom...

My...

My butt, buzz, and swells with pride. Something Ruth, Ruth, Buzzy might even

with.

You may like, like it, Luke. Look, you may look.

You may, you may look at me and say, push through it. Kiss, pop, pop, kiss.

when this purple pixie was a cub scout.

The happy hours we spent on a summer evening sitting

around a campfire in our little short pants, roasting our weenie.

And, of course, warming our buns.

I'm sorry, your dream wasn't fulfilled.

This Latin log could have been a gifted surgeon.

He was the first scout to perform an emergency vasectomy on

a great horny owl.

And you'll hear that bird singing pitifully.

As

I

leave you,

you may ask why all these nice people on this dais

have given of their time and traveled many miles.

to honor Dean Martin.

As I said before, it's a dirty job that somebody's got to do.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to meet a man who I've known for many, many

years. This man has been doing fights since Joe Louis fought Johnny Paycheck.

But ladies and gentlemen, we make fun of Howard Cosell, and why not? Look at

him.

This man has a fantastic nose.

When the wind is right, he becomes a hawk.

With that nose, every time he breathes, he sucks up his underwear.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the all -time sports guests is Mr. Howard

It's such a sweet little thing, Don.

They talk about charm schools in my name. Thank God you're the only guy

got more cancellations on your record than I have on mine.

could have been served during this hour than glorifying the Sicilian sponge.

The staggering power of pizza.

This fugitive from the planet of the grapes.

We could have used this valuable television time to do a one -hour

the wit and wisdom of Art Buchwald.

or a one -minute special on the wit and wisdom of Sonny Bono.

So perhaps I am remiss in denying Dean this hour of immortality, because this

the bicentennial year, and Dean has a special way of touching the hearts of

Americans. Maybe he didn't say the memorable words, give me liberty or give

death. or I regret that I have but one life to give to my country.

But did Patrick Henry or Nathan Hale ever say words so stirring as,

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie?

That's it.

See you, baby, after that, whatever you can't use to say.

you meet a great comedy team, two guys that have never talked to each other.

You remember that, Dean.

But these two dear friends of mine have been making America laugh for over 25

years. That's a long time, and I think they ought to give it up.

Ladies and gentlemen, my friends, dear ones they are, and certainly Dean's, Dan

Rowan and Dick Martin.

about being here tonight, aren't you? I certainly can.

Hey, and Don's doing a very creditable job, isn't he? I think he always does.

You know, Don Rickles always reminds me of a blindfolded massage lady.

A blindfolded massage lady? You never know where she's going to strike next.

Well, he's always good for a laugh or two, though. Oh, so is the massage lady.

Yes.

You know, I think it's certainly a tribute to the guest of honor that this

is graced with the presence of two men, both of whom have run for the nation's

highest office. Right. Hubert Humphrey and John Wayne.

John Wayne has never run for president. Well, neither has Gerald Ford.

Yes, even so.

Even though.

We are here tonight to pay our respects to one of the funniest and most lovable

television personalities in the world. Right. Henny Youngman.

I suppose you think that's funny. No, but he sends me a case of booze every

I mention his name on time.

Henny Youngman. I just got you a case. Oh, thank you very much.

I think it's time we spoke about the man America honors tonight, your friend and

mine, Dean Martin. Yeah, I love old Dean.

Yeah. You know, Dean was the man, a lot of people don't know this, but Dean was

the man who put Rowan and Martin on NBC in the program that was later to become

Laugh -In. Yes. And we shall be eternally grateful to him for that. Yes,

the very ground he falls on.

I don't intend to stand up here and do dumb, drunk jokes about this guy. I

happen to know that Dean is one of the most charitable men in all of show

business. Well, last year alone.

He took in 14 wayward girls and gave them a place to sleep.

All right, what about all he gives every year to the sons of Italy? Right, last

year alone he gave them 14 more sons.

Well, let's be fair right now for a moment. Talk a little bit about Dean's

accomplishments in our industry. Personal appearances, sold out, wherever

appears. Over 18 gold records. Not to mention television.

Television? I told you not to mention it.

Television? He's been doing a variety show on television for 12 years. Nobody

else can say that.

Oh, how about Howard Cosell?

Howard Cosell's variety show lasted a few weeks. Well, it seemed like 12

There's another thing.

This man, Dean, has made a lot of people proud to be Italian.

Well, that wasn't too tough after Mussolini, though.

You realize that if everyone, the number of people who have seen him, he's so

familiar to the world. If everyone who watches Dean on television had voted for

Senator Goldwater in 1964 and had voted for Senator Humphrey in 1968, both of

these men would have slept in the White House.

Then Susan Ford would really have something to tell her old lady.

I think the time has come to stop filing around and tell this fellow what you

really think about him. Well, Dean, you're the best. You're a great

a loyal friend, and one hell of a guy. And that goes for both of us, Dean. Say

goodnight, Dick. Goodnight, Dick. Goodnight, Dick. Goodnight, Dick.

I

would

like to say to you, Bob, because we cannot kid about it, I've never liked

annoyed me i don't see how you became a star gene kelly always said to me how

did he become a star gene tell him what you said to me many many years

ago he gave me a break on a television show with with hair with this not you

you i'll let you know when but it's good that you practice standing

Later on, we're going to have you walking and talking and mixing with

You're going to have such a good time.

America loves him. He knows Johnny Carson personally.

He has traveled all over the world.

He's home now for a half hour to pick up his laundry, and we just asked him off

the street to come on in and kill an hour.

Bob, you've done so much.

In World War II, which I was in, you came to the front, and I had to go and

attack the Japanese troops at that time. And you said, I've done my jokes, and

you went to the back lines. I was so annoyed.

I don't care how big you are. I'm fed up with you, Bob.

But I'll give you $100 if you'll marry my mother.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is nobody, there is nobody greater.

I never saw you.

I never saw you.

Of course you didn't. They faced you the wrong way.

I am proud to be his friend, and certainly Mr. Martin is a dear friend to

guy. Ladies and gentlemen, a great guy, and that's what you can say about him,

Mr. Bob Hope.

Thank you. I'd be delighted to be here at these auditions.

But television is wonderful to do this. And television needs another Dean Martin

Rose like the CIA needs a press agent.

But this is a great night. This night is about as exciting as watching the

Walton family paper train their pet rock.

haven't been this excited since john davidson let me fill his dimples with

whipped cream and how about this

mgm grand hotel huh what mobs are the crowds around the crap table are 12 deep

it's the only place in the world where you have to make an appointment to go

broke

room service. 24 hours a day, you can get anything you want sent up to your

room, unless your wife is with you.

And I really had fun playing the slot machines here. It's nice seeing three

oranges come up and not have Crosby force his kids to eat them.

What a super hotel.

Dean has his own helicopter landing area and he doesn't have a helicopter.

And it's nice to see Senator Goldwater in such distinguished company.

Distinguished company. I've seen better bodies blown out of the Hindenburg.

Just think, Senator, you could have been at the White House watching home movies

of Betty Ford doing the hustle with Mao Zedong.

Now that everybody's running for president, why not our distinguished

Dean's very popular. He has thousands of warm friends and some men friends, too.

And what a vote -getter. Most candidates lean toward the Republican Party or the

Democratic Party.

Dean's the only candidate who can lean toward all parties at once.

Who can win some of the crucial primaries. Dean has a wide acquaintance

Florida. Jackie Gleason.

And we all know how... We

all know how fair -minded Dean is on foreign policy. French, German, Italian,

Irish, Scotch. He'll drink it no matter where it's from.

I think Dean would breathe some new life into the administration.

It should be easy for him. His breath would start the windmill turning on an

Dutch painting.

Even as a kid, he made medical history. He was the first seven -year -old to

have a liver transplant.

Yes, he's been drinking since he was seven. His family didn't know he drank

until one day they saw him sucking in a popsicle with an olive in it.

But I'm proud of him. He's from Ohio.

And let me tell you, growing up in Steubenville wasn't easy. There were

pretty tough characters in Steubenville.

Their idea of underarm protection was a 38 and a shoulder holster.

Dean got his start in show business singing with a Sammy Watkins band in

Cleveland. He got $7 a night, $9 when he didn't show up.

In those days, Dean sang all the pop songs, but now all Dean sings is country

and western.

Now let me tell you, Dean singing country and western makes as much sense

Greg Allman giving Sonny Bono a welcome home party.

Dean was in the Rat Pack. Those were the happiest days of Dean's life.

Constantly surrounded by three guys who could carry you home.

Frank who got Dean to join the Rat Pack. It was a private little in -group.

Frank, Dean, Sammy Davis, Joey Bishop, and Peter Lawford.

They made Las Vegas what it is today, the off -ramp between Sodom and

In spite of it all, Dean is one of America's great sex symbols. He's sort

marinated Burt Reynolds.

I'd like to say that this gentleman in the business, everybody from the day I

first started on television was a Dean Martin show with Greg Garrison, and they

put 40 million celebrities in the audience, including Mr. Hope at the

And just every star that was available came to watch me, and I perspired, and I

said to Dean, I'm frightened to death, my goodness.

And he said, no, no, you'll be great, Pally Boom and Greg Garrison. They

believed in me, and they gave me an opportunity to be on Dean's show.

He's an unusual man.

You do not see him at too many social functions. He's not a crowd waver.

He's just a beautiful human being that the entire industry says, like every guy

turns around and says, boy, to be in Dean's company is a fun thing because

a guy's guy.

I will not say too much because he would be the first one to say it. Hey,

probably that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, a guy that's loved, Mr. Dean

distinguished looking deus or dais. I never knew what it was, deus or dais. It

looks like the board of directors of a massage parlor.

Remember the famous words of Franz Schubert's mother who once said, Franz,

right back here and finish that fifth.

see my favorite policewoman, Angie Dickinson, I tell you, she's one cop

can't buy.

I know.

I was in her dressing room before the show, and I tried.

By the way, Ruth Buzzy is in great demand on all the TV cop shows. Who else

play a hit and run victim without makeup?

I love Ruth Buzzy. She can do my show anytime.

But did you ever get a look at her chest?

Looks like two bagels taking a nap.

And Howard, Howard, I know why your variety show wasn't a hit. I spoke

to your wife and she said you haven't been live on Saturday night for years.

I really feel honored that Senator Goldwater elected to grace this day is

tonight. Tonight is the second time Barry Goldwater has made the people

First time was when he ran for the presidency.

It's always a thrill to see my buddy Jimmy Stewart.

Although he's done so many great movies, I'll always remember him for his great

Philadelphia story.

Jimmy spent a week with me and Sonata in Tijuana.

and told his wife he was in Philadelphia.

Even though, even though, even though, even, even though Jimmy is getting on in

years, he still has all the vitality of a hormone gingle.

A miney gingle.

I knew it was one of those guys.

comedy teams, you have to include Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Rowan

and Martin, all great comedy teams of the past.

Everybody knows Joan Damon, quarterback for the New York Jets. Joe had the

same kind of year with the Jets that Abe Beam had with the City.

And Bob Hope, you were beautiful. You know, From the day Bob was born,

knew that he was going to be a comedian.

Who could ever forget his first word?

But seriously, nurse.

And needless to say, I'm very proud that Senator Hubert Humphrey could join us

at the MGM. I don't know if you noticed, but not once tonight did the senator

say, I'm pleased as punch.

That's because I drank it.

Rich Little does a great impression of President Ford.

In fact, it's so good, Rich's popularity went down.

And Muhammad, don't worry about how your monologue went over tonight.

I'll talk to the audience and try to get you a rematch.

Nice to see Paul, Lynn.

Only time I get to see him lately is on Hollywood Squares.

To make you feel at home, I want you to pretend Rosemarie is sitting on your

head.

I'm glad my good friend John Wayne was able to be here tonight.

I love the way he dresses when he's in those Western movies.

Shiny studs on his shirt, a colorful kerchief, and high heels.

I don't know why they call him the Duke. They should call him the Duchess.

And what can you say about Orson Welles that Don Rickles hasn't already said

about him?

And I'll always love to see my friend and buddy Gene Kelly, a guy who's always

doing things for the...

Less fortunate. He just flew in from Texas where he did a telethon to raise

funds to build a clinic for sterile fruit flies.

And it's nice to see Tony Orlando here tonight.

And thank you, Tony, for the nice, nice words. Thank you very much.

about it except I'd like to thank all you on the dais for your friendship and

want you to know I'll remember this tonight until I get to my car you

know

I've been with NBC for over 20 years and I'd like to thank you all for your

loyalty and for looking in and sharing some laughs with us I hope

my most talented friends, and I have provided you with a lot of them this

evening.

This has been the most memorable evening for me, thanks to Jimmy Stewart,

Senator Barry Goldwater, Gene Kelly, Gabe Kaplan, John Wayne,

Howard Cosell, Joey Bishop, Paul Lynn, Georgia Engel, Rowan

and Martin, Tony Orlando, Angie Dickinson, Senator Hubert Humphrey,

Nipsey Russell, Ruth Buzzi, Bob Hope, Foster Brooks, Orson

Welles, Charlie Callis, Rich Little, Muhammad Ali, and Joe

Namath. And my host, my dear, dear friend, Mr. Don

Rickles.

Good night.