Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the beautiful Seatbelt Room, tonight's star -studded

roast has brought together some of the world's greatest entertainers.

They've come from all over the world to be here tonight, here in Las Vegas, in

person. Joining Dean Martin as he honors tonight's very special man of the hour,

Dan Haggerty.

With tonight's guests,

Denver Pyle, Red Button, Jimmy Walker,

Marilyn Michaels,

Roger Miller,

Foster Brooks, Lawanda Page.

Abe Vigoda.

William Conrad.

Rich Little.

Tom Greeson.

Orson Welles. Jackie Gale. And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight, man of the hour, Dan Haggerty.

I wish I was in better shape for this occasion, but I must have had one too

last night.

Around four in the morning, I invited Mr.

Haggerty's bear to my room.

And everything was beautiful until I tried to remove her fur coat.

Grizzly, he arrived yesterday, you know, and...

After driving down from the rugged wilderness, he and his sidekick Denver

in the front seat and Ruth Busley tied to the front fender.

Grizzly here is a real outdoorsman. As soon as he got here, he drove into town

and picked up a couple of sleeping bags.

He was at the bar with them until about two this morning.

I must say, my pal Kirk Kerkorian, or Karkakarian, who owns this hotel, has

given Grizzly here first -class treatment. They gave him a beautiful

a waterbed in it, and Grizzly loves the waterbed. He got up at six this

morning, cut a hole in the bed, and went fishing.

may not know this, but a few years back, Grizzly and Orson Welles had their

beards mated and had a nine -pound mustache.

Well, being a country boy, he isn't too comfortable here. This is the first time

he ever sat at a table without flies.

He never eats meat. He lives on Blackberry juice, huckleberry juice,

juice.

He's juiced all the time.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rich Little.

Well, what do you say about a guy who...

Eats furniture for breakfast.

Uses fir trees as toothpicks.

But I happen to really like this big, dumb jerk here.

But a lot of Hollywood heavies don't seem to share that opinion.

When I asked Big John Wayne what he thought of Grizzly Adams, Duke replied,

Bull feathers.

That's a frontiersman, Haggerty the Big 50.

His idea of roughing it on location is to go into the Rockies without his hair

dryer.

The strongest violent man of many outdoor epics, Jimmy Stewart, said,

Well,

I happen to like the program as far

as it goes.

The problem is it just doesn't go anywhere.

Now, Jack Nicholson, who became a biggie, as a rugged outdoor type said,

You know, one look at this dude and you know right off he's a true man of the

soil. You know, a real son of the earth.

By that I mean he's a dirty old man.

And for a final opinion, I turn from the real cowboys to the head honcho on the

Midnight Roundup, Johnny Carson.

first time I met Haggerty, he was wearing a buckskin suit,

snakeskin suspenders, birch bark sneakers, carrying a goose, and dancing

bear.

He was looking for the gong show.

You know, everyone thinks of Dan Haggerty as living alone in a log cabin

surrounded by animals. But we've just learned that Dan has had a woman in his

life for the past five years, a secret fiancée. Ladies and gentlemen, here to

tell her intimate story of living in the wilderness with her mountain man, Dan

Haggerty's secret fiancée, Miss Gladys Grizzly Worms.

be.

look better than you.

You people don't know what it's

like living in the wilderness with this groping grizzly.

I thought it was true, love. The first time I saw him, my chest swelled.

That's the biggest swelling you ever had.

You know, living with him wasn't easy. When I first came to his cabin, the

animals built a fire to...

before.

Rabies shots.

Mr. Orson Welles.

roast to pay tribute to ladies and gentlemen who've made significant

contributions to the field of entertainment, people who've moved our

stirring songs, their magnificent acting, or their rib -tickling comedy.

And who, let me go further, whom are we honoring tonight?

Dan Haggerty is whom?

A man whose chief claim to fame is that Marlon Perkins taught him to eat with a

knife and fork.

The bear already knew, Al.

It says here he was born in Hollywood and then moved to Cucamonga.

You can see what a mental giant we're dealing with.

Given the choice, who moves to?

Cucamonga. After all, Cucamonga itself is an old Indian word that means let's

get the hell out of Cucamonga.

Here, Dan is always rescuing sick little creatures who desperately needed help.

Now, I know this to be a fact.

Why, this weekend alone, he found a warm blanket and a clean cage for Jimmy

Walker.

Here, the Hagerty biography builds with thundering climate.

Dan marries his high school sweetheart, has two children, becomes interested in

bodybuilding, is a devout environmentalist, and climbs mountains.

Because they are there.

At least Dan climbs mountains that are there.

Dean climbs mountains that aren't there.

your success because you, I believe you never had formal dramatic training. You

never even studied with the actor's studio.

Then I learned your secret.

Lucky for you, the bear is a ventriloquist.

The magnificent Mr. Orton. Well, I give you

red button.

Here's a man, lives with a bear, and they give him a dinner.

Samson lived with Delilah, got a haircut.

I lived with my first wife 11 years. I got a summons.

I'm not knocking bears.

Bears are good people.

Do you realize that since they put those smoky, the bear ads in the subways,

there hasn't been one forest fire in New York City?

Why are we giving this man a dinner?

Why are we giving this man a dinner when some of the greatest people in the

history of the world never got a dinner?

Billy Carter said to his brother, Jimmy, can you get me on the gong show?

Never got a dinner.

Henry Ford, who with all his money never owned a Cadillac.

about a dinner. Listen, let me give it to you. Ponce de Leon, who said when he

found a fountain of youth, where the hell are the paper cups?

Peter Minuit.

Pizza Minuit. Pizza, pizza, pizza Minuit.

Who said to the Indians when he bought Manhattan, will you take a check on a

Puerto Rican bank?

Never got a dinner. King Arthur.

I don't want to tell you his first name. You're not going to believe it.

Melvin.

Melvin Arthur. That was his full name.

King Melvin Arthur.

Who said the queen went to be here.

Since you bought the round table, all we get is pizza. Pizza.

He said, when Stanley found them, you didn't have to search. I'm in the book.

Hyman Bluebeard.

Hyman Bluebeard, who said to Scotland Yard, how do I know how many women I've

killed? I'm a murderer, not an accountant.

to the children of Israel at the Red Sea.

Take your galoshes. I never did this trick before.

is becoming somewhat of a regular on our roast, the comedy star of good times,

Jimmy Walker.

Dan lives in the woods in a small shack with 20 animals.

Dan doesn't mind living with all those animals, but it gets really rough when

their parents come to visit.

his television show, Dan's become quite popular. Now when he goes to the zoo,

animals take pictures of him.

I like the idea that in your show, you're now using a black bear.

Right on, brother.

What I want to know is, how come he's always walking five feet behind me?

Well, that's tonight a real salty character who on the Grizzly show

plays the part of his old buddy, Mad Jack.

I'm just going to say Mr.

Denver Pyle because I've known him a hundred years.

Denver!

Well, Dean.

Don't make fun of the beard.

This beard is what makes me look so rough and tough and mean. After all, if

shaved it off underneath, you'd find maybe Roddy McDowell.

Grizzly, I sure am flattered to have been asked to speak here tonight on your

behalf.

But as Colonel Sanders once said to his favorite chicken, I got a bone to pick

with you.

I'm what is known in show business as a sidekick.

Now, a sidekick... I heard that.

Dean just said, why don't we all get up there and kick him in the side?

And it goes without saying, there's no chance in the world that the sidekick

ever gets the girl.

On our show, I don't even get the bear.

Of course, as a star of Grizzly Adams, the producers had to see to it that

nothing happened to him. So they hired our next guest, one of the most

fearless stuntmen in Hollywood.

Thank you, Dean.

First of all, let me say hello to the

star of... The star of Grizzly Adams.

A man known to millions. The great... The great...

Dan Pagetti.

And this is my hello to Dan Pagetti.

Wesley fled to the woods because he was accused of a crime he didn't commit.

But I swear this man has committed no crime at all, unless you count his

Packard is so square, so clean living, he doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink.

And according to his wife, that's not all he doesn't do.

Dan Haggerty's a coward, too.

He's so yellow, his wife uses him on the porch as an insect light.

Dan Haggerty's a phony.

Dan Haggerty is afraid of blood.

Every time he looks into Dean's eyes, he faints.

I shot tomato into the air.

It fell to earth, I know not where.

With us tonight is that terrific fellow who plays the old tired cop on Barney

Miller and on his own show, Fish.

I'll tell you how old and tired a detective Fish really is.

By the time he gets to the scene of the crime, the criminal has already been

captured by Beretta.

Ladies and gentlemen, the funniest of New York's finest, Mr. Abe, the godot.

It's an honor to be here to say a kind word or two about Grizzly, which is a

hell of a name for a grown man.

Who am I to complain?

My name is Fish.

If you want to talk about danger, Grizzly, let's talk about New York, Fun

or to those of us who really know, Gun City.

Just go down on any city street in the month of July or August, which,

to the Almanac, is listed as the car stripping season.

Now, I found out that General Motors has trained its assembly line workers so

that they can finally put a car together in only 17 hours.

In New York, we once arrested a guy named Mario who can take it apart in 17

minutes.

He could have done it in nine minutes except his right hand is a hook.

Believe me, Grizzly, if that bear of yours went walking down Second Avenue,

five minutes some hoodlums would have the fur coat off his back and a girl

Sylvia would be wearing it to a single thing.

Thank you. Thank you.

As opposed to Brisley Adams' lifestyle in the wilderness, our next guest is

here to defend the benefits and virtues of city living.

Ladies and gentlemen, a new, what's it, a new and

brilliant funny comedian, Mr. Tom Dreesen.

Thank you. We're here tonight to talk about a man who looks like he's eating a

tumbleweed.

And a lot of people say that living in the country is better for you. I'm

against that. I live in the city. I've always lived in the city. And they'll

tell you that people that look like Dan Haggerty are an example of what country

people look like.

That's not so.

There are many people in my neighborhood, many men who look just

Haggerty. We call them winos.

It feels like growing up anywhere else in America. You get up in the morning,

you open up the window, you listen to the sounds of little children talking to

one another.

I'm going to break your faith.

And that's a little girl's jumping rope, which is really fun to watch. You ever

watch a little girl's jump rope? Little white girl's jump rope with one rope.

Down in the valley where the green grass grows.

To me, it's far more exciting watching black girls jump rope. They jump rope

with five ropes all going at the same time.

You know I'm alive. I'm jumping with five. Got a bald head of mama. That

no child.

The number one rivalry in my neighborhood was between an all -black

school called St.

Leroy's.

St.

Leroy's. Their arch rival was an all -white Catholic school that was in an

-black neighborhood called Our Lady of the Courageous Caucasians.

And St. Leroy's used to win all the time because they had a good basketball

team. But they had a better cheerleading squad.

See, the biggest cheer we had in the white community in 1958 was, Big Apple,

Little Apple, Susie Q.

Come on, team, we're rooting for you.

And that could hardly inspire you. St. Leroy's cheers were much more

intimidating. Om gawa, so pawa, you'll all be dead in just an hour.

Stanley Royce had the most interesting mascot I've ever seen in my life. It was

a burro that they painted white.

The schoolmen get rid of it. They kept calling it a honky -donky.

Toughest guy in my neighborhood was a black guy, a lot tougher than Dan.

Gucci Nicholson.

Gucci was tough. Young kids today brag about they know how to use kung fu.

Gucci know how to use car tool.

See, in city living, you learn a lot from one another.

And if you hang around with different nationalities, their culture rubs off on

you. You can't find that in the country.

It's true, that's what America's all about, an exchange of all these

cultures. Gucci taught me a word black people use that white people don't use.

-H -M -O, amo.

Amo, kick your butt.

That was poor living, tough living, not like Dan has in the country. He's got it

made. The poorest family in my neighborhood was the Barducci family.

They had 17 kids.

17 kids. You know you've got too many kids when you buy a dog and first day

pet it to death.

But then, I wish you a lot of success. You've got that bear.

That's nice to have animals. My wife and I just got a dog. We didn't buy the

dog. We got him from the animal welfare because we figured if you can't have one

naturally, you should adopt one.

And I was trying to teach a dog tricks. I went to the store. I bought a red

rubber ball. And every day for hours, I'd throw the ball. Then I'd go after it

and bring it back in my mouth.

I finally taught the dog to say, attaboy, attaboy.

The real star of the show, Ben Bear.

You and I are a lot alike.

We both do our traveling on all fours.

Look at this dais. Wanda Page, Jimmy Walker, Ruth Buzzy, Charlie Callis. I'm

best looking one up here.

Foster Brooks is only sitting there to make Dean look sober.

First time I saw this yo -yo, I was with some black bears.

As soon as they spotted him, they said, well, there goes the neighborhood.

I think Jeff is a very talented fool.

Wanda Page.

Now, this young lady, you've seen her on Sanford and I adore her. I always have

her on the days or the days.

Miss Wanda Page.

And don't make any cracks about my looks.

Honey, I can get any man I please.

Are you having pleased any man?

Hold it right there, honey.

Or you're going to wind up in the hospital.

I'll have Sammy Davis Jr. come by and drop his jewelry on you.

Glad you get that out.

I got it from Dean.

You look like you mugged a buffalo.

Now, just because you became a star overnight and you didn't have to do it

hard way without being black, you think you missed a beat?

Just because you live with an animal that sleeps six months a year.

Big deal.

I had a husband like that.

But I'll tell you something, Grizzly, you got it made.

Living in a cave with a bear.

Honey, ain't no landlord alive going to raise the rent on a bear.

Don't you shoot off your mouth, Mr. Cannon.

You know I could work you over pretty damn good.

But I don't want to get under your skin.

There's hardly enough room under there for you.

And Abe Vigoda, I know what he's thinking, but I don't pay him no mind.

He looks like he died and nobody told him.

I don't want no jive about my figure, honey, because I've seen what you look

like in a bathing suit.

And, man, that's what you look like.

I can't figure out where you're coming from, Grizzly.

You got the crazy idea that living in a forest with real animals makes you

brave.

If you really want to live dangerously, honey, just come on down to my

neighborhood, Beverly Watts.

You can get mugged over the telephone.

And you, Foster Brooks.

Yes, you. Stop breathing in my direction.

She's putting the kinks back in my hair.

To get our next guest, we had to contact Washington, D .C., and give

him some time off.

He's a friend of Dan Haggerty's, a forest ranger, right?

Ladies and gentlemen, representing the Forest Rangers of America, Mr.

Marlon Hurd.

I am happy to represent the National Park Service

in honor of Old Grizzle.

He's come a long way.

His picture is on the cover of Field and Stream this month.

This one with the fish in his mouth.

But the experience with Woodman you see here tonight is not.

He is not the same tenderfoot he was when I first met him. In fact, it's hard

to believe this is the same kid who once went down the road

to watch animals at a deer crossing and got hit by a busload of elk.

Now, I could see this young man needed help, so I took him.

Took him under my wing.

I showed him how to make a fire by rubbing two sticks together.

And he gave it four or five tries, but no fire.

Which was quite surprising because the two sticks I gave him were matches.

He is a true friend of nature.

One day an owl flew into our camp with a broken wing.

Well, Grizzly managed to do the wing and nerfed that bird back to health.

But he put the wing on the wrong side.

But now the darn thing flies backwards.

Foster Brooks.

Everybody knows Foster Brooks.

Dynamic Marilyn Michael.

Thank you.

Thank you, Jane.

Oh, wow. You know, I just realized something. I mean, you and Dan.

Now, you look differently and you talk differently, you know, but you both have

a lot in common.

You're both interested in wildlife.

Now, I know that tonight, everybody here is going to praise Grizzly for being a

warm -hearted, wholesome man who appeals to the family and appeals to the kids.

But I think that there are a lot of gals out here, especially gals in show

business, who think this handsome hunk of hair is definitely a sex symbol. Is

that right, girls? What do you think? Huh?

Girls!

I mean, just the other day, Mae West was saying, Oh, Grisly, that

man is fascinating, and he's so virile, and he's wonderful.

You can crawl over my frontier any time you like, honey.

But I'll tell you that, then Raja said, But darling, it's not Grisly I'm crazy

about so much, darling.

It's the bear.

I never had one before.

You know, Dinah Shore, I mean, because she's my favorite, she just splits her

mint tulips over you.

time I can get him, Mr. Jackie Gale.

Now, what kind of man is Dan Haggerty?

Dan's ancestors came west in covered wagons.

If you saw his ancestors, you know why the wagons were covered.

He was a little disappointed today when he found out he couldn't put buffalo

chips in a slot machine.

What's Jimmy Walker doing here tonight?

How does he relate to grizzly bears?

The only time he ever saw a babbling brook is when he worked in a car wash.

Jimmy, don't waste your time looking for your roots.

Look for your body.

Roger Miller.

lives in a mansion, drives around in a $100 ,000 car, and sings songs about

being poor.

I'll tell you something.

Denver got here a little late.

The president said he could fly in from the Ozarks on Air Force One, but Denver

couldn't remember the number of the plane.

You know who's smarter than Denver on the show?

The mule.

The mule on Grizzly Adams is the smartest mule you ever saw.

But Denver's jealous of the mule.

Every day he tells them nobody likes a smart ass.

You all remember William Conrad. He played Cannon, the private detective.

I watched you fall down a lot of times on that show.

You could rock yourself to sleep just trying to get up.

You never should have given up being a jockey.

Everything bigger than his stomach is a Lawanda Page's mouth.

Let's see who got left out tonight. It's big as Ruth Bussard.

She's only here tonight to date the bear.

Dean's having a lot of fun. He left a wake -up call for the end of the show.

Mr. Martin is a man of faith.

He believes there's another world and he's always in it.

fine actor, a good man, our guest of honor, Mr. Dan Haggard.

Thank you, Dan.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd just like you to look at this dais.

I've seen better heads on the wall in the hunting lodge.

But I've been asking Dean to come up and spend some time with me up in my cabin,

and I just told him how nice it is up there every evening. You just lay on

back and look up at the stars, and all of a sudden I realized that Dean's been

doing that all his life.

And red buttons.

Well, talking about the man of the hour, if we were to talk about a comedian

that's given 25 years of his life to comics, your name would be right up

with the tops.

Sonny Bono, Burt Parks.

Ruth Buzzy?

I love you, baby.

I want you to come up to the cabin and visit me one more time.

But please, this time, fix yourself up a little bit.

Last time you came looking like that, you started a chicken stampede.

Being a good backwoodsman, I've always been afraid of coming face to face with

Bigfoot, incredible monster that walks around the mountains.

But this evening I was lucky enough to meet Big Mouth, Lawanda Page.

And my friend William Conrad, who did a TV show, Cannon.

He hasn't lost a pound. He still looks like a dump truck.

In fact, he was out front today by the curb and a cop put a checkmark on his

leg.

And I'm glad to see Fish here.

He's been trying so long to become a star, and he finally became one, but

so old now he can't appreciate it.

And you all know my buddy, sidekick, and my good, good friend for a long, long

time.

But unfortunately, number seven couldn't come tonight.

But we had to be stuck with Denver Pyle. And I love him dearly.

But once you've seen one ass, you've seen them all.

And to tell the rest of the dais, well, not too long ago, I was wandering

through the woods and I got my leg caught in a bear trap.

And I was laying there in pain, alone and rejected.

And as I look back on it now, I had more fun than I have with you this evening.

This is really an honor and a privilege to me and my family.

And, Dean, I really appreciate you having me here.

And thank you, everybody, for being so kind and watching the show.

It's terrific, and I love you, and thank you very, very much.