Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, the Dean Martin Comedy Hour presents a special one -hour

roast with tonight's guests, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin.

Gene Kelly.

Lloyd Bishop.

Don Ripple.

Robert Wood, president of CBS Television.

Mike Connors.

Red Fox.

Marty Allen.

Yes, Elliot.

Nipsey Russell.

Norm Crosby.

And your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

And tonight's very special man of the week, Harold O 'Connor.

Also appearing on tonight's special roast, Foster Foote, Bruce Buckley,

Conrad.

We had two disappointments tonight. Bob Hope couldn't make it and Carol O

'Connor could.

We always try to get names for an evening like this and as soon as we

we were honoring Carol O 'Connor, the names started pouring in.

They called him every name in the book.

And I'm not saying Carroll was unpopular.

All I know is when he moved into Beverly Hills, five colored families moved out.

But in spite of his image, this man is all heart. Every summer, he goes into

ghetto, picks out the poorest family.

takes him to a meadow in the country and leaves him there.

And at Christmas time, he's been known to bring a group of poor black kids into

his house to serve the turkey and wash the dishes.

What mileage this man's gotten out of all in the family.

He goes right on.

He's got Archie Bunker. I don't wait. I only got an hour. Yeah.

he's got Archie Bunker t -shirts, Archie Bunker lunch boxes, records, and now

he's opening a chain of restaurants serving bigot burgers.

The listener said, there's only one Carol O 'Connor and that's Jackie

Dan Roan and Dick Martin are two beautiful guys.

They've been together a long time. As a matter of fact, it was 25 years ago

today that they teamed up and got their first laugh.

Tonight, they'll be trying for their second one.

Who is that masked man? I don't know who he was.

Listen, we're very happy to be here to pay tribute to the star of All in the

Family. Indeed we are.

He's a big star, too. Carol O 'Connor is a big star. He's one of the biggest

stars on television. How did you know that?

I asked him and he told me.

You know that All in the Family is setting such records. It is probably the

biggest show the TV industry has ever seen.

Bigger than Turn On?

There is another thing about Carroll. He's a great humanitarian.

That doesn't surprise me at all. It doesn't surprise you. Well, it surprised

lot of other people. And it says so right there.

We're waiting.

We just keep going.

Do you know that every Christmas Eve, Carroll O 'Connor goes to some of this

city's finest restaurants, orders a hundred menus... And sends them to the

people. Right.

Sends the menus to the poor people.

Do you want to talk about Easter?

Oh, I love Easter. Every Easter, he calls all the children

in the neighborhood over to his front lawn for an egg roll.

And he lets the kids watch him eat it, right? Yes.

What are you yelling for? I don't know. I think if you're not going good, just

talk higher.

We're talking about, you know, all the terrible things that he says on that

television show about black people. Yes. He means every word of it. No, no.

All contrary.

No, the real Carroll O 'Connor loves black people. Yes, he does. He does.

card, please. Uh -huh.

No,

he loves black people.

And if his wife ever finds out... And he's also always kidding about the Jews.

He loves black people. He loves black people and he loves Jews? He must be

about Sammy Davis Jr.

Well, the thing is that no matter what he says on television, that does not

truly reflect the opinion of the man himself. Because the man himself is

really... So you should say something nice about Carroll. I love Carroll O

'Connor. He's one of my best friends, as a matter of fact. A man could find no

better friend on earth than Carroll O 'Connor. Well, if you have something

that to say about some guy, don't say it to the camera. Say it to the man

himself. You're kidding. All right.

Carroll, I love you. You're just fine.

Well, you should have the night back. Good night, Dan.

They were kind of yelling, weren't they?

I understand they're going to revive laughing.

It should have been revived while it was on.

I'm going again.

You're throwing up, Gene?

I would like you to meet a man who's an old friend of Carol's from 30 years ago.

He and Carol used to work together as longshoremen on the docks of New York

City. And we've flown him out here tonight to surprise our man of the week,

ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Joe Kowalski.

Hiya, boss.

You know, Mr. O 'Connor was my foreman down at the shipyard, and he got the job

over all the rest of us because he had the most education, he had the most

experience, and he knew where to get the boss abroad.

That Mr. O 'Connor is a real tough egg, boy.

One night we went in the saloon, he got in an argument with a guy.

And the guy takes the back of his hand and hits him and says, that's a chop

Kung Fu.

And Mr. O 'Connor takes something out of his pocket, hits the guy on the head,

and says, and that's a crowbar from Midas Muffler.

I'll never forget all us guys on that crew. We went to see him in that movie,

Cleopatra. And the first time he walked on the screen, we said, and he said,

Hail Caesar!

And we said, that ain't our Mr. O 'Connor. Then he started running around

in a funny -looking robe.

And we said, that ain't our Mr.

O 'Connor.

But then all of a sudden, he turned around and stabbed his boss right in the

back. And we all said, now that's our Mr.

O 'Connor.

Thank you, Bill O 'Connor.

My good friend Carol O 'Connor is quite an actor.

Every week on television, he plays the part of a bigot.

But in real life, he's the complete opposite.

Really, take it from me. He's a man who strongly believes in equality and

brotherhood.

In fact, Carol's whole family has always been completely devoid of any racial

prejudice.

As a matter of fact, I thought you might like to see some pictures of his

family.

Here's a picture of his grandfather.

This is a picture of his grandmother.

And this is a picture of one of his children.

Welcome to London, pal.

We have with

us tonight someone who was a great influence on your early life.

Carol, it's your third grade teacher from P .S.

76. I know where I am.

From P .S. 76 in New York City, Miss Elsie Birdwell.

Carol was always one of my best students.

And I... like to feel that I had something to do with his success in

I have something here that you might be interested in seeing.

It's an arithmetic problem that I gave to Carol's third grade class.

And Carol was the only one who got a hundred.

This was the question.

At some point...

station with 93 passengers.

When the doors opened, the following got off.

17 Polacks, 9 Spics, and 3 Jungle Bunnies.

And the following got on.

28 Hebes, 16 Prouts, 12 Chinks, 5 Spaghetti Benders, and a commie

pinko rat.

And here, in his own little handwriting, Carol wrote down the correct

answer.

There would be exactly 19 fags left.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Norm Cosby.

Carol O 'Connor is absolutely nothing like the character Archie Bunker he

portrays on television.

Carol is an educated man, a man of stigma and depth.

He comes from an upper -class family, and early in life, his father taught

Carroll the basic principle that has determined his entire personality.

When he was seven years old, his father took him out in the backyard, made him

climb a high ladder, and told him to jump.

And Carroll said, no, no, father, I will hurt myself.

And his father said, I'm your father, and I say jump.

And he jumped.

Broke his hip, one arm, and both legs.

And his father looked at him and said, that's your first lesson.

Don't trust nobody.

That is why to this very day, Carol O 'Connor is very

deceptive about all kinds of people.

As a matter of fact, he has extrasensible reception.

It was discovered in Europe during the Olympic Games.

when he was standing next to a tall, thin athlete, and Carol said, Are you a

pole vaulter?

And the man said, No, I'm Ukrainian.

But how did you know my name was Walter?

I guess it's pretty obvious that I am here tonight to make the rest

of the panel look strong.

Few people know it.

And good.

Few people know it.

But it was the great dramatic teacher Stanislavski who first inspired in Carol

his complete and total dedication to the theater.

They were coming out of an acting class at the Abbey Theater in London.

Settle down.

When an actress grabbed Stanislavski's arm and screamed, I would like to break

off your arm and eat it.

Another actress grabbed him by the leg and shouted, I would like to break off

your leg and eat it.

A third actress rushed up and said, Maestro, I would like to stab you with a

dagger and drink your blood.

And Stanislavski turned to Carol and explained, learn, my pupil.

To break off an arm and eat it, this for my pupils I would allow.

To break off my leg and eat it, this too I would allow.

But stick me for the drinks.

This is one of the nicest things that I know.

Here's a surprise for you, Carol. One of your dearest pals back east wants to

say a few words to you. His honor, the mayor of New York City, John Lindsay.

Few people know of the invaluable contributions that Carol O 'Connor has

our city.

He's helped decrease air pollution, he's assisted with our overpopulation

problem, and he's contributed mightily to the establishment of better

communications among groups.

He's accomplished all this for New York.

by the simple expedient of moving to California.

I don't feel like we've lost a great actor. I consider that we've gained a

parking space.

Carol is well remembered here along Broadway. In recognition of his long

distinguished theatrical career, Actors' Equity plans to install a bronze star

in concrete, marking his regular spot in the unemployment line.

Independent citizen groups here have indicated interest in memorializing this

great actor, too. Why, just today I received a petition to erect a statue to

Carol in Central Park. The pigeons have already enthusiastically endorsed the

idea.

With warm affection and admiration, I salute my buddy, Carol O 'Connor.

In the words of Archie himself.

Congratulations, Meathead.

Congratulations to the president of the Carol O 'Connor Fan Club.

Name it, everything.

Everybody has a great ambition.

We want to be singers, dancers, writers, and musicians.

I just want to be a mule somewhere in the clover and catch Archie Bunker

over.

I was talking to him before. We came on and I said, what do you think about

politics? Can a black man ever become president?

He said, yes, if he runs against a Mexican.

I said, don't you think that we should take our rightful place in society?

He said, your rightful place is in the rhythm section of the band.

When the minorities integrated his church, he was heard. to ask the

how long can you legally hold one of these birds underwater when you're

baptized?

He was the man who said that there should be no black astronauts.

He said you can't get ham hocks in those little tubes you get out of.

So I say to you, from all the people in all the black neighborhoods in the

world, may you have a winter, a cold winter, with long legs and a short

Bless you.

Thank you, Mr.

Rucker.

The KKK is going to roast Nipsey next week, and I mean roast.

from the wit and wisdom of Archie Bunker comes Mr. Gene Kelly.

Many months to get these

readings together.

It's very serious.

And I quote, Well, there goes the neighborhood.

I don't understand those race riots.

You bring them blacks over here in chains, you give them jobs picking

and this is the thanks you get.

Polacks come by their dumbness honestly.

They're like your out -of -town tourists.

They go in a massage parlor and actually expect to get a massage. Now, that's

not good.

All right, little girl. I don't want to hear no more about family planning.

Just find your pills and cue.

Listen,

dingbat. The movie rating system is simple as A to Z.

In a G -rated movie, the hero gets the girl.

In your R -rated film...

the villain gets the girl.

And in the X, everybody gets the girl.

And the

young

man, your parish priest.

Father Michael Donahue.

First of all, first of all,

I would like to see you convert, Don. Give the Jews a break.

I never heard you sing better.

Well, thank you, Fox, for coming to services last week.

Now, if you just bring back the silver candlesticks, we'll do the whole thing.

I know Carol O 'Connor probably better than any other living soul.

Sure. You have no lines on my card.

If you had any talent, would we be honoring you?

Every week, we've got to help somebody with a comeback.

Next week, it'll probably be Sinatra.

I hear Harold's confession every week.

However, because of the seal of confession, I'm not allowed to reveal

know.

Oh, no.

If you offered me a few dollars... I wish I could, but I cannot.

I cannot tell you about Carol's experience with the albino.

The whiff in the bottle of Wild Root Creamer.

You can laugh, Gene. I laugh when you dance.

Oh, the cockeyed dwarf he picked up one night in Laurel Canyon.

I can't even tell you about his escapade with the Eskimo princess and the

antique chandelier.

Although I suppose it wouldn't be breaking my vow to tell you it did cost

almost 400 Hail Marys.

Carol is the only member of my parish who had to get his rosary beads

Boy, that Gentile human gets big laughs, don't he?

I wish I could tell you some of the things Carol has confessed to me. But

only person I can tell them to is the bishop.

Just as the only person the bishop can tell them to is the cardinal.

And the only person the cardinal can tell them to is the pope.

You see, in the church, we too have to keep things all in the family.

Now, we're very honored to have with us the man who actually made the decision

to put all in the family on the air.

The president of the PBS television network, Mr. Robert Wood.

Even though Mr. Wood is the president of a rival network, the brass here at NBC

sent a large basket of fruit to his dressing room.

Lucky for him, he wasn't in it when it exploded.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Wood.

Well,

thank you, Dean. And incidentally, I'd like to thank everybody here at NBC.

You know...

As Don Rickles knows, doing a comedy show is very, very difficult.

And increasingly, our audiences are becoming more and more demanding.

So if a comedy show, or for that matter, even a show like yours, Dean,

Should get dull just even for a second or two.

Audiences instinctively defect to competing channels.

So with that in mind, I'd like to start my tribute off tonight to Carol O

'Connor by offering you a dramatic reading of the Czechoslovakian

I suppose this is the perfect time to

say... that there's a wonderful movie playing right now on CBS.

Now, Carol, if you're wondering why I haven't addressed myself to you... It

crossed my mind, yes, it did.

...to not the biggest star on the CBS television network.

Well, even NBC's not that dumb. Thank you very much.

Carol, there's a lot of your friends and admirers who couldn't be here tonight,

but some of them have recorded messages on videotape, and we'd like to play them

for you now.

Don't worry, Carol. No matter how hard they try, they'll never really roast

With your pot, you'll never fit in the oven.

Hi, Carol.

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy you on All in the Family.

You know something?

You're almost as good as you used to be with... Art Carney and Audrey Meadows on

The Honeymooners.

Hey, Carol.

As a fellow son of Aaron, I can't tell you how proud I am of you.

Thanks to your program, Americans of all ethnic backgrounds, Poles, Germans,

Blacks, Jews, Italians, Puerto Ricans, are all united now with one common

purpose. To get the Irish.

Jean Stapleton and Sally Struthers asked me to tell you they're terribly sorry,

but they can't be with you tonight. But they were invited to an orgy at Norman

Lear's house.

Hello,

Carol. My sisters and I were watching your program last week, and we thought

looked very familiar. Tell me, darling, were you ever married to one of us?

Carol O 'Connor, how much do I owe thee?

I want the whole world to know that you're the man responsible for what I am

today.

Pregnant.

And now, Carol, here to pay tribute to you is the very distinguished senator

from the state of Arizona.

Ladies and gentlemen, Senator Barry Goldwater.

Thank you, Dean and members of the dais.

Carol, I've never heard so many nasty things said about a man who wasn't

for anything.

Actually, your Archie Bunker character might have a great career in politics.

He's in the middle of the road.

That is, a little to the left of Attila the Hun.

And just a bit to the right of Little Orphan Annie.

Archie Bunker's distinctive way of speaking would be an enormous asset in

politics. He already sounds like he's talking out of both sides of his mouth.

And Carroll O 'Connor himself has some of the outstanding qualities of our

greatest statesmen.

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln.

And Richard Nixon.

That is to say, he has bad teeth.

His clothes don't fit.

And he has to pee three times a day.

But, Carol...

I'd like to thank your Archie Bunker for his support in my last campaign.

And I want you to know that I'm still optimistic.

There's always an opening for someone with presidential aspirations.

If not here, then in South America.

Yes, Elliot is truly a great entertainer. I love that girl. I

fat, but from the front, she looks like Carol O 'Connor from the back.

Holy kidding. Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Cass Elliot.

You might have noticed that I'm the only woman on this dais. They invited other

women, but I'm the only one that showed up.

Frankly, Carol, the women of America are fed up.

You've insulted, ridiculed, and demeaned our sex every week on your show, and

all in the family is supposed to be the show that champions civil rights.

You big phony. Only once, only once did you ever open the car door for Edith,

and you were going 60 on the freeway.

In all the years you've been married to Edith, you never took her anywhere

except to the hospital to have the baby, and you made her drive.

You're nothing but a male chauvinist. You never dress for dinner. You always

come to the dinner table in your T -shirt.

Didn't you put on your shorts?

So, Carol, tonight, on behalf of the women everywhere, I would like to

you with the first annual Male Chauvinist Pig Award.

And here it is.

Thank you, Cass.

The other night... Will you please tell the president of CBS if he don't keep

his hand out of my peanuts, I'll kill him.

The other night I called Red Fox and

I said, we're roasting Carol O 'Connor. Would you like to come? He said, I'd be

delighted. I'll even bring the matches.

And then Mr. Red Fox...

It's a pleasure to be here tonight with someone who is also not a credit to his

race.

Contrary to what you have been believing in your lifetime, because you want it

to be fair, niggas do carry knives.

Thank you, Dean.

You know, Carol O 'Connor and I have slightly different backgrounds.

His weighs about 35 pounds more than mine.

However, though, I must be curious. I'm very fond of Carol personally, and I

have a great respect for him as an actor.

And so I'd like to take this opportunity to deny a false and very vicious rumor

that's been going around about Carol.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to personally assure you.

No matter what you have heard, Carol O 'Connor is not gay.

I killed all my dates for next week.

Who is that?

I'm black, but I got some nigga friends up there.

Carol is strictly a man's man.

Wait a minute. Let me rephrase that.

What I mean is Carol is 100 % masculine.

I had it on sworn solemn word of the producer of his show, Norman Queer,

Aaliyah.

She mustn't prove that a man is in any way effeminate just because she happens

to have a girl's name.

You know what I mean, Gene?

It's terrible the way these stories get started.

Apparently, what happened was, see, Carol was doing a show a few years back

Liberace. And one day, they were just sitting around rehearsal, and Liberace

offered Carol an apple.

And Liberace said, and Carol said, yes.

And that's how the rumor was born.

So, I want to assure you,

to you all. I got to take that out. We go back over it because I only say,

you all.

It's, I want to assure all of you

that Donald

O 'Connor is a fine and generous man who would give you the shirt off his back.

He's a wonderful person, terrific actor. He can play comedy and he can play

drama. He goes both ways.

I'll learn that.

I better go and sit down. Thanks a lot.

Thanks,

Fred.

Well, I don't know what can follow that except Don Rickles.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Don Rickles.

Mr. Chairman, first to start off with, Red Fox, you're a black man and you're a

credit to your race. It's black or white, it doesn't matter to me as long

don't try to hang around with me.

Now that, right off the bat, now Red knows, now, hey baby, the champion has

charged!

to deal with courtesy.

I feel the same way.

It doesn't matter. The black men you can see by the seating, their position.

Hey, why are we getting into a race riot while we're doing a show here?

The whole audience in the back is going, they're going to be a race riot.

turned out to be a rich... Sit down, you Italian.

Gene Kelly just stood up. God bless him. He's a wonderful guy.

But singing in the rain is over.

Oh, Gene's a great man.

92 to stand with Frank Sinatra and go, singing in the rain.

You people see it on camera as I talk to you and then they go backstage and

go...

Frank keeps going, is the hot water, is the hot water?

Gene, I'll say to you honestly, and first, I will just say, these are Carol

'Connor's closest friends.

Carol O 'Connor met these people in my trailer an hour ago and said, do you

really like me?

But Bob Wood, the president of CBS, came here tonight to honor Carol O 'Connor.

I had hoped a representative, whether it be Dave Tebbett, my dear friend, who

couldn't be here tonight, unfortunately, he's in Greece for their annual Golden

Ward Festival.

We've got one farmer here from Elko, Nevada, going to Golden Ward Festival.

I'll make you feel at home, sir.

Dean,

from the bottom of my heart, God has been good to you.

God has been good to me, but he's been better to you.

Tonight, we are really getting down to the nitty gritty. Carol, I tell you,

Carol O 'Connor, from the bottom of my heart, everything you do on the camera

a lot of baloney.

Socially, you have said many times about the Jews, the blacks, the whites, the

Puerto Ricans, the Mexicans, that you were fed up with the world.

Do you feel you should have a crown and rule the world?

And I go along with that, because with your money, I need you desperately.

But his great words, as Carol, as a graduate of Phi Beta Kappa from Dublin

University, from Wyoming University, said to me, If thy love thyself, thy

thee. Thy know thith, thith thy know.

And my lovely wife said, He's brilliant.

And now my wife is in a state hospital sitting in a hot tub with a duck.

I would like you to know also that there are many guests that they have honored.

This has been the longest night I've ever had in my life.

You know, one of the most important elements in any star's success is public

relations.

We are very pleased to have with us tonight Carol O 'Connor's PR man.

He's one of the biggest PRs in Hollywood.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you all please welcome Mr. Foster Brooks.

Thank you. Thank you very much, Mr. Martini.

Many people wonder exactly what services a public

relations man provides to the star.

My duties are threefold. First, it is my job to create...

It's my job to create a public image.

Image for the star.

And second, I have to see that the star constantly receives...

And

thirdly,

I must see that he has plenty of broads on the road.

With Carol, the most difficult part of my job is convincing people that he is

not like the character he plays in All in the Family.

People are always confusing Carol Bunker with Archie O 'Connell.

But of course, they're totally different personalities.

Archie is a right -winger.

And in the last election, Carroll was McGovern's man.

At least until Eleanor McGovern made him break it up.

People are always mixing up Carroll and Archie. They think Carroll hates people

just because they're black.

And that's not true at all.

I was at Carol's house one night last week and he had two black people for

dinner.

And they were delicious.

You know, it's a wonderful experience working for Carol.

His success hasn't changed him at all.

He's still the same obnoxious slob he always was.

Oh,

excuse me. At that time, I put in an L.

Yes, friend, even though Carol is now a superstar, he never forgets the little

people. In fact, right at this moment, he's paying the rent for three midget go

-go dancers.

Carol's just a regular guy.

If you didn't know who he was, You'd never guess that he was a celebrity.

Unless you happen to see the star -shaped John in his dressing room.

That's where he twinkled.

The press is always asking embarrassing questions of me about Carol.

They keep asking, what does Carol... What does Carol make?

I tell them anything that walks.

Incidentally, I wish I could tell you just how the rest of the All in the

cast feels about Carol O 'Connor.

I wish I could tell you how Bob Reiner feels about Carol O 'Connor.

I wish I could tell you how...

How Sally Struthers feels about Carol O 'Connor and how Gene Stavelton feels

about Carol O 'Connor.

None of them is here tonight.

I guess I just told you how they feel about Carol O 'Connor.

Our man of the week, our number one guy with the number one show, Mr.

Carol O 'Connor.

Thank you, Dean. What an extraordinary group.

Red Fox said to me, these people look like passengers in a Fred McMurray

bus commercial.

I didn't like to correct Red about that, but he really doesn't know much about

the subject of buses. Way back when Red was riding buses, he only saw the last

three rows.

I want particularly to thank Mayor John Lindsay of New York for taking...

For taking time out from job hunting to say a few words for me,

the mayor assumed office about the time Dean Martin started his television show.

The difference is when the mayor stopped being a hit, he gave up.

Registration.

Senator.

Goldwater to fly in from Washington to be here.

The Senate has been very busy working on a plan to get Arizona out of the United

Nations.

Mike Thomas from the Madden Show is here.

How Mike loves his producer for giving him all that action in his scripts.

You know, someone is always trying to... Run over Mike with a car.

What Mike doesn't know is that his producer wants to do a variety show with

Rickles.

Of course, Rickles can't do that. He's not available because Rickles has a

contract with Bob Wood to do four unsold pilots.

One of those three Bob Woods, president of

CBS here.

Bob got the top job at CBS shortly after he staged the break -in at Jim Aubrey's

psychiatrist's office.

And my good friend Dick Martin sitting here, you know, he's married to this

beautiful young little English girl, sweet, light -hearted, loves everything

about America.

No, as we say, putting on the dog for this girl.

Dick bought her a $35 ,000 Stutz automobile. She traded it in for a Honda

case of Dr.

Pepper.

Thank you very much.

Well,

that's our show for tonight.

I want to thank my wonderful guests for being with me and not -so -wonderful

ones, too.

I especially want to thank Carol O 'Connor for joining in the fun.

I don't think it can be said too often that Carol O 'Connor is not at all like

Archie Bunker.

Carol does all he can to help minorities.

He wouldn't think of letting a white man shine his shoes.