Original subtitles

The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast, coming to you from the MGM Grand Hotel in the

entertainment capital of the world, Las Vegas, Nevada.

The glittering city of excitement and laughter provides the scintillating

backdrop for tonight's star -studded roast.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the Ziegfeld Room, some of the world's greatest

entertainers are here tonight.

They're in Las Vegas in person.

as Dean Martin honors our woman of the hour, Angie Dickinson.

With tonight's guests, Jimmy Stewart, Earl Holliman,

Juliet Rouse, Cindy Williams, Red Button,

Jimmy Walker,

LaWanda Payne, Kathy Rigby, Joan Bishop, Rhett Green.

Foster Brooks, Eve Arden, Jackie Mason, Orson

Welles, Catman Crothers, and your Roastmaster, Dean Martin.

With tonight's very special woman of the hour, Angie Dickinson.

We're gathered at the beautiful Megham Hotel here in Las Vegas to honor the

beautiful and popular cop in Hollywood.

And, Angie, you do look beautiful. Your hair, your eyes, your gown, and your

bulletproof pantyhose.

This should be quite a night. This is the first time we've honored a lady who

became famous.

Cruising the streets.

In a car with a red light, yes.

As a teenager, Angie began to develop into the

fine actress you know today. In fact, the boys in her high school class used

love to just sit and watch her develop.

Well, Angie worked hard and became the big star she is today. However, playing

policewoman really had its effect on Angie's marriage.

Every night when she and Bert Bachrach got into bed, Angie turned to Bert and

said, I'd like to read you your rights.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest young guys in television, Mr.

Walker.

Thank you, Dean.

That's all right.

What, you know?

No, we're here roasting Andy Dickinson, and she is very qualified for the role

that she plays on Police Woman.

She plays a cop named Pepper, and she's got a great shake -up.

The only problem is that everybody wants to take the law into their own hands.

No. Angie says she likes her men tall, dark, and handsome.

I can't believe she hasn't asked me out yet.

And I watch police women all the time. time all the time i dig the shows when

she wears some disguises you know so people don't know she was a cop and

everything like that there was one when she wore this skimpy little bikini you

know it's really one of those skimpy ones one sneeze would have blown her

cover and earl holland and angie make a tremendous

team they like they were going to raid this massage parlor one time and earl

told angie that he was going in first and if he wasn't out in an hour go back

the police station without him

I'll never forget the story where Angie was disguised as a madam.

And it was the first time she ever saved Earl.

Saved him 50 bucks!

talented young lady, Cindy Williams.

We did a picture together, but we don't want to talk about that because it

wasn't that they didn't release it. This thing escaped.

It was a funny little gal, and, boy, she's got a lot of vim and some vigor,

Williams!

I'd like to begin with a funny little story that happened to Angie last night

here in the hotel. It seems she called down to room service and ordered up a

tall, cool one filled with gin and ice, and they carried Dean up to her room.

All kidding aside, I've been a fan of Dean's all my life, and I think you look

terrific. Doesn't he look terrific?

just amazing what an embalmer can do.

But enough, enough about people with talent. We're here to talk about Angie.

And all kidding aside, I could go on for hours about television's first lady,

about her beauty, her talent, her humanity, but it seems silly to talk

Mary Tyler Moore when we're here to honor this bimbo.

all you poor thing. But I've done some snooping around and I have gathered a

little known facts about Angie Dickinson.

Recently, Angie was investigated by the FBI for going around saying that Jimmy

Carter and Nipsey Russell share the same set of teeth.

And this is a little fact that no one has ever known about Angie because she's

extremely sensitive and modest about it. But this woman, is so generous that she

donates her free time, yes, what precious free time she has, to giving

lessons to Charlie's Angels.

Not just Earl Holloman plays the part of Sergeant Bill Crowley, that tough cop

who rides around in the front seat of the patrol car with Angie Dickinson.

He may be tough, but he's not too bright. If I was with Angie in a car, I

be riding in the back seat.

A fine actor, a fine gentleman, Mr. Earl Holloman.

Listen, this is a big pleasure to me because the first part I ever played in

movie, I played an elevator operator.

It was a Dean Martin picture called Scared Stiff.

I remember well. I was scared and he was stiff.

I remember what he said to me as he stepped into the elevator. He said, take

to the airport and step on it.

I suspected that Dean had a little drinking problem even then, because on

elevators, you know, most people face the front, not the ceiling.

But, of course, we're here tonight not to talk about Dean. We're here to...

Well, I'm here to talk about the sexiest cop on TV. But since television values

couldn't make it... Before our policewoman show...

Angie and I had never worked together, but we did know each other slightly.

Angie is an animal lover, and I'm president of an organization called

Others for Animals.

And we try to find homes for animals that nobody wants.

And that's how Angie came to our first meeting.

She was trying to find a home for Don Rickles.

It wasn't until we started to do the series that we really got to know each

other well. And I want to tell you, I know her very well, and I guarantee you,

this is no dumb blonde.

I know because I've seen her roots.

But Angie likes to research her job. She goes down, she hangs around the local

police stations, the actual police stations.

Of course, there's a lot of raunchy stories, a lot of full -letter words.

But I guess the cops have heard all that stuff before.

I love you. You know I do. Crazy about you.

It's funny. Every place I go around this country, people say, what's it like to

work with Angie Dickinson?

Gee, what's it like to work with Angie?

Well, I got to tell you guys, it's hard.

Ladies and gentlemen, a guy who never gets a dinner.

Red Button!

It's a pleasure to be here, ladies and gentlemen.

At this roast.

Oh, the Emmy is coming out. Yeah.

It is a pleasure.

And as I stand here tonight...

Looking at you, Angie Dickinson, two things are running through my mind.

The second one is... Why are we

giving a dinner?

Why are we giving a dinner for Angie Dickinson?

Some of the biggest people in history.

In the history of the world.

Never got a dinner.

Never. The biggies. I mean the biggies.

Dracula.

Dracula who said as they drove a wooden stake through his heart, I hope it's

just gas.

Never got a dinner.

Captain Bly.

Captain Bly who said to Mr.

Christian,

First we'll have the ripping, then we'll play shuffleboard.

Rip Van Winkle, Rip Van Winkle, who said to his wife after sleeping 20 years,

fine thing, now that I'm all rested up, you got a headache.

William Tell's son, Kelly.

The son who said to William that his father aimed at the apple.

There must be an easier way to kill worms.

The leading lady in King Kong who said to Kong,

that's the last time I sign up for computer dating.

Never got a dinner, Billy Carter, who said to his brother Jimmy, I forgot to

register.

I've never had an opportunity to say this. I'm going to say this now.

I've had a crush on you for years.

I mean for years.

The one thing you can do for me, which will be the culmination of my entire

illustrious career, may I have a kiss. May I have a kiss

and pull you.

Of this audience.

Never kiss a cop on the mouth.

There he is, Jackie Mason, and it's beautiful.

Well, you're thrilled to see me again.

And I'm very happy for Angie having the opportunity to see me in person.

I finally showed up as a personal favor to her because this girl has been in

love with me for years.

Thank God I kept it quiet.

I'm not like that piano player with a big mouth.

About me, about me, nobody knows because I feel if she's in love with me, it's

nobody's business.

I never told nobody. I never even told her.

It wasn't even supposed to be a show in her honor.

Couldn't figure out another way how to get close to me.

I have a note about our relationship.

You notice he's not here?

He never goes in the same room when I'm with her together.

I'll tell you something about her show.

I don't know if you've got time to listen. You might be busy, too.

She's got a great show.

A lot of people like it. I don't know who they are.

On all these television shows, I notice that they catch every crook in a second.

And all the policemen and all the police departments all over America can't

catch one crook, and they're at it all their lives.

As soon as a guy gets a television show, he catches any crook he wants.

I say if we could get the police departments out of the police stations

the television, there would be no crime in this whole country.

Everything on television, is either violence or sex, why don't they go out?

Music, for instance. How often do you hear about music on television?

Don't you think music is more important than sex? I mean, for a man in your

condition.

Don't fall asleep while I'm talking.

I think music is more important than sex.

I always thought so.

But I found out a strange thing. That if I don't hear a concert for a year and a

half, it don't bother me.

First of all, sex is life. What are they ashamed of?

Well, let's be honest about it.

Isn't sex life?

Without sex, would you be it? I think you would.

a privilege to have Jimmy Stewart at these clan dates.

Not just because he's such a distinguished actor, but because I love

him talk.

He's so slow and easy on the draw.

How slow is he, Dino?

Well,

he's so slow that in his last picture with John Wayne,

Jimmy Stewart played a doctor who had to tell the Duke that he had barely two

weeks left to live. By the time Jimmy finished telling him, John Wayne only

two minutes left.

Here he is, the superstar, Mr.

Jimmy Stewart.

you a compliment.

You look nifter in a black jacket than any burnt

potato I've ever seen.

I'm here tonight not only to pay tribute to this pretty young lady, but also to

apologize.

Apologize.

I'm sorry.

You see, the last time I saw Angie was over a year ago, and it was at a

Hollywood dinner dance. As a matter of fact, it was the Golden Globes Award.

Angie won one of them, which was appropriate.

She was sitting next to me, and the band was playing this kind of deafening,

raucous and raw music.

The dance floor was so crowded, it looked like sardines

packed in a can doing a fertility dance.

So I got Angie, I said, dancing out there has just got to be a hassle.

And she said, yes, I'd love to.

And so I shouted back, you'd love to what?

And she said, I'd love to do the hustle.

And before I knew it, she had me by the hand. We were out in the middle of the

floor. Now, let me start by explaining that the hustle is a

modern dance, and I'm not what you might call your typical

hustler.

If you're my age, you shouldn't dance at discotheques. You know, at our time of

life, you know, it

isn't

really dancing, you know, it's just committing suicide one joint at a time.

Don't you think so? Well, it depends on which joints you go to.

They had a live young band at this dance

as I was with Angie. It was named Dow Jones and His Industrial

Averages.

I mean, I appreciate good music, but I'm really...

Not much for go -go dancing.

Most of my go -go's already gone.

You see, this thing about the hustle is you start out

facing your partner, and then you shuffle back and away a couple of steps,

then you turn.

And then you shuffle back and away again, and then you turn.

and so forth. Well, I got a rotten sense of direction, and that night I remember

I did a shuffle, and I found myself shuffling again

and back and away, and then I found I was alone.

I was outside in the parking lot.

I forgot to get them to stamp my hand.

They wouldn't let me in.

So I went home.

But tonight,

Angie, I'd just like to thank you for that dance. It was awful nice.

Next time, I'll bring my Arthur Murray foxtrot chart.

Okay, I love you, and I will always love you.

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

Now, I'm not going to roast you.

I'm going to tell you what I do not like about your show.

I do not appreciate the writing on the show.

I saw one story. I did not believe it until with my own eyes.

The robber goes into the bank, says to the teller, give me your money. The

teller gives him the money, okay?

The teller stops on an alarm, steps down on it. The cops are there. This is

genius. Took the money, went to another cage, opened up an account, and on the

way out, they gave him a toaster.

Mr. Joe Bishop.

Captain Brother.

I'm really happy to be here and meet the lovely Angie Dickinson.

Yeah, I'm a big fan of her show.

But one thing, I think that there's a little bit too much violence.

I counted 36 shootings, 12 killings, 44 assaults, and 61 muggings.

That was just the opening titles.

You know, as a garbage man, I believe if you want to find out about people,

check their barrels.

Because you got a flash from the trash.

Well, it's a pleasure picking up Angie's trash.

She got the best -shaped barrels in Beverly Hills.

It was a little different in my old neighborhood.

Trash barrels didn't last five minutes.

We used to put the garbage in a fancy box, put it on the porch, and wait for

somebody to steal it.

That was a bad neighborhood.

Shabby, rundown, and ugly.

It was the worst shape than LaWanda Page.

Hold on there, turkey.

Come on up here and tell me what you want to tell me. I want to say it out

Come on up here and tell me what you want to tell me. We're going to start

moving.

Don't say I ain't going to say it, honey.

All right, throw him and tell me something. Don't get me started. Don't

riled up.

Black coat jacket.

Last time I saw a face like yours, honey, a jockey was feeding

it sugar.

Maybe push your face in batter and make gorilla cookies.

Man, nobody cares anything about you except using your head for bowling for

dollars.

Bug off, Simmy.

I'm looking forward to my 40th birthday.

Yeah, well, just keep on looking because you're going in the wrong direction.

I've lived, honey.

Well, I've lived, girl. What are you talking about? I've lived.

I mean recently.

So long, sucker.

So long, sucker.

love the way Angie Dickinson plays the part of Sergeant Pepper Anderson on

Police Woman, but what do real police women think about it? Tonight,

we have one of those police women with us to give her opinion.

Sergeant Gladys Armstead.

about being a policewoman.

I'm going to tell everybody out there what a phony you are.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bare my chest.

I don't know about you folks, but I'm getting out of here.

As for her, she gets her credit for making women cops famous.

What does she know?

thing that's flat baby and

don't you

just love the way that angie dickinson runs around and disguises all the time

well she's nothing zip zero zero in the police department i'm known as the woman

of a thousand faces now why'd you bring that one

everybody's eyes she's not a real cop she just gets by in her body you know I

went jogging with her the other day and when she hung up her sweatshirt

sweatshirt

assignments, the best cases.

Me, they send to the airport to sniff packages.

And did you ever see her trying to trap a peeping Tom standing in front of a

window in her lingerie? Well, it's not like that in real life, Angie.

I tried it.

What? A citation for overacting.

with all that violence and still come out unscratched with every hair in

Well, there are two reasons.

One, she's got a hell of a hairdresser, and the other reason is our next guest,

Angie Dickinson's double.

Thank you, Dean.

I know you all find it difficult in telling Angie and me apart.

That's why they picked me for her double.

Because I look exactly like her.

In the beginning.

Before I chip my tooth.

And I love this girl.

For her, I'd climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest river, and jump from

the tallest building, which I've done many times.

Without me, Angie Dickinson wouldn't be where she is today, alive.

Here she is again, Miss LaWanda.

Hey, LaWanda!

Hey!

Well, thank you, Drano.

Drano. Not the way your face is flushed.

I'm so happy to be back on another celebrity road.

You know, there are three groups of guests that appear on these shows.

One group comes on because they're personal friends of the guest of honor.

And the second group comes on because they are wild and crazy.

Then there's those guests like me who are here for one reason.

They have a beautiful body.

I got it, honey. You ain't the only one, you know.

to be real good at body work, baby.

Well, you ain't gonna dent my fender.

Just cool down, you heavy breathing honky.

It's a real privilege for me to be here tonight.

Standing between lovely and mean.

and load it in obscene.

Ladies and gentlemen, my good buddy, a great genius, Mr. Orson Welles.

With P .V. Policewoman Angie, you've been forced to descend into some pretty

squalid areas.

Did you ever dream you'd sink to this?

The MGM brand is very grand, but what are the rest of us? The male contingent

a sorry list of molting Mary Andrews, faded japesters, jaded jesters,

and one obese and superannuated Shakespearean.

Ruth Busby, of course, is something else.

Just what? I don't know. But something.

One can understand her feeling a certain animosity toward Angie.

Ruth, after all, is a woman who has never defended her honor or had the

opportunity.

Wasn't it Jimmy Walker, whose flashing wit was directed at Angie's frailty?

from a man so physically inconsequential that he has to bring along a friend to

cast a shadow?

For the first five years of his life, his parents thought he was a clarinet.

And Earl Holloman, where does he get off? A man who developed a whole acting

career on just three little words.

Be careful, Pepper.

We come now to a performer whose very name is the tip -off on the general tone

of these proceedings.

Red Buttons.

That's not a name, it's a condition.

There's not a man at this table who hasn't, at the words of our great

lusted for you in his heart.

We've all attempted the impossible.

We've tried to put you down, and the truth is that none of us are up to it.

is?

Who can roast a rainbow or insult a perfect rose?

Before Angie Dickinson took over the role of Sergeant Pepper Anderson, the

police department assigned her their top instructor, Inspector Foster Brooks.

Now, I'd like to turn my attention...

I'd like to turn my attention to my favorite female as far as Sergeant

I thought this young lady, everything she knows, and whenever I see her on

television, my chest swells with pride.

And that goes double for her.

It's pretty obvious that Sergeant Pooper has great...

Physical atro... atro... atro... She looks... Well, she's built like a brick

precinct house.

I thought... I thought... I thought Sergeant Pamper was...

one of my old, old police tricks.

Keep a gun... Keep a gun strapped to your ankle.

That always worked well for her until one day she was... She was... She was

disarmed by a midget mugger.

I really enjoyed working with Sergeant Po -Po -Po -Po.

During undercover training, we had a break -up or massage parlor.

She went... She went in as a... She...

She went in as a... One of those people would grab you all over.

And I went in as a customer.

I solved the case immediately.

But I didn't tell you for two weeks.

All the time that Sergeant Pippin and I were together, she only did one thing

wrong. I took her on our stakeout and told her to be careful.

Make sure you don't expose yourself.

Unfortunately, she did.

And I forgot all about the case.

This guest is a distinguished motion picture and television critic, Mr. Rex

Reed. We asked Rex if he would take some time from his busy schedule

and review our show tonight.

And here he is, our critic at large, Mr.

Rex Reed.

Actually, I would go anywhere to honor Angie Dickinson, the star of Police

Woman.

After all these years, Angie, you're finally paying for the sins of Rachel

You look radiant this evening, as always, of course.

It's easy to look radiant when you're sitting across from a guy with a glow

And as I survey the dais here, all these folks, it reminds me of a picture I

just reviewed, The Voyage of the Damned.

As for the performances this evening, well, who could forget Earl Holloman,

Angie's co -star.

He provided one of the brightest spots of the evening, I'm pleased to note. It

was a real crowd pleaser.

It was the moment he sat down.

And a great Jimmy Stewart. Oh, wow.

Jimmy won an Oscar in 1940 for The Philadelphia Story.

And again this year, he will be appearing at the Academy Awards to try

his acceptance speech.

And I love Red Buttons. He delivered another great...

Monologue with faultless timing. He started out slow and maintained

that pace.

The lighting, actually, for the show was serviceable, but it did leave something

to be desired.

The light should have been turned off, especially when Ruth Buzzy came

on.

Lawanda Page was the fashion hit of the evening. She was outfitted in a new line

of ecology wear, a recycled hefty bag.

At the podium for a short turn, mercifully, was the talented Joey

Bishop, America's most famous substitute host.

And as usual, Joey brought along his stock in trade, substitute jokes.

In just a few moments, we'll all witness that wonderful climactic moment when

our lovely guest of honor will rise to thank all of her friends and express her

gratitude.

I just really can't wait for that moment.

We've been here so long, Angie thinks she's at the Emmy Awards.

But I just want you all to know that tomorrow morning,

After this show is telecast to millions of people and I show up at the

unemployment bureau, I'm going to be in some swell company.

Time to meet the star of police, woman, Angie Dickinson, our lady of the hour.

I wish you could be spent with me.

Ladies and gentlemen, your favorite and mine, Miss Angie Dickinson.

Here's my chance to respond to the dais, and I lost my police manual on how to

handle derelicts.

Really, the jokes you comedians told tonight, you should get your own show.

squad.

Let me see.

Red buttons. I think we'll start with you.

While you were up here, I couldn't help thinking it's incredible how...

Far you've come with your nightclub and television career.

You know, despite your obvious handicap, your movie career.

I can't go up here and tell nasty things about my friends. Can you stand up and

help me? I'll do anything you wish. Anything you're sure. Anything you...

don't know if I can stand... Oh, yeah, I can stand up.

There, I made it.

What do you want me to do?

What would you like to do?

Anything you want.

Well, I don't know. I guess I'll just thank my friends and you take it from

there.

Well, remember the famous words of Earl Shive who once said to Angie Dickinson,

you don't need a whole paint job, just let me touch up your body.

Speaking of bodies, that reminds me of Ruth Buzzy.

I'm glad to see you here again, Ruth.

Take it, Dean.

Nobody knows this, but Ruth Buzzy once auditioned for the Gold Diggers. And the

next day, the price of gold went down $10.

Scatman brothers, you were funny tonight.

Scatman drove up to Las Vegas in one of those... New cars with an airbag in it.

La Wanda Page.

Rex Reed, as a television and newspaper critic, you have no equal.

That's true, Rex. You have no equal.

Superiors, yes, but no equal.

And what an evening this has been for Eve Arden, our Miss Brooks.

Yes, Miss Brooks finally reunited with her son, Foster.

And Jimmy Walker, what can I say about you?

You could say skinny.

As Ed McMahon would say, how skinny is he?

Patten him up and you can use him for dental floss.

If he had holes in his tuxedo, it'd look like a clarinet.

Or I've seen more meat on a goose pimple.

I feel like I'm back with Jerry.

Well, one of the reasons that I love doing Police Woman is, of course, Earl

Holloman. Well, Earl Holloman must love playing a cop because before the show,

he spent a half hour frisking Cindy Williams.

What I love about Earl, he is so helpful. He's given so much of himself

others. And what he's left with isn't too thrilling.

Cindy Williams, thank you, thank you for coming.

You know, on the Laverne and Shirley show, Cindy works in a brewery, so when

got up here yesterday, I took her for a tour through the wine country, my

dressing room.

Kathy Rigby, I've admired you since you won that gold medal on the parallel

bars. You know, Dean, you've really got to be some kind of athlete to work on

those bars.

I don't know. I've never been on bars, but I...

Been under a lot of them.

Well, I guess that's about it.

Out of jokes?

No, out of booze. It's over.