Original subtitles

Le Fizz.

Okay, okay. I only have the weekend to come up with a campaign for this new

product, so I really need your help. Okay, no problemo. It's called Le Fizz.

Yeah. They love it in France. No kidding.

Thirst quencher for athlete.

Oh. So, as an athlete, would you taste it and give me your honest reaction?

Listen.

That's funny. That's just what Jonathan said.

You're giving this to a child?

Well, yes, I'm trying to get a variety of opinions to help me find a slogan.

about if swallowed, induced vomiting?

Angela, please!

I got to tell you, you got your work cut out for you with this stuff.

Oh, hi, Al.

Did you find the apartment yet?

Yeah, yeah.

They'll never let me in.

He's been turned down at a dozen places.

You would not believe the discrimination out there. No one wants to rent to a

young single person.

No matter how good looking you are.

The worst part is that his building goes condo in a week.

Well, I wish there was something I could do to help, you know.

Well, you know, actually there is, you know.

I'm putting you down as a reference. So when a guy calls, tell him you're my

landlord, you know? Say I've been a great tenant, I'm responsible, honest,

I'm a neurosurgeon.

Why not just put down Secretary of State?

I ain't being nobody's secretary.

Why don't you just have him call you real landlord?

That's a good one, Tony. That's like getting your real parents to sign you a

report card.

Right.

What Al means, Dad, is that his landlord hates him and he needs this place. And

if he has to stretch the truth a little to get it, I don't see what the big deal

is. Oh, you don't see what the big deal is? It is a big deal, Samantha.

Do you understand?

You should never lie. Never. Period.

Yeah, well, you see it as lying. I see it as helping a friend who's a victim of

prejudice. You know, I just want people to look past, you know, the greased

hair, the leather jacket, and the rebellious demeanor to see the real me.

Give me the guy's name and address, all right? I'll write you a letter of

recommendation. It'll say all the great things about you, and the best part is,

it'll all be true.

Short, but true.

Hey, Sam.

Let's face it, letters ain't gonna work. They'd rather rent to some boring, stay

-at -home married guy than a freewheeling, single dude like me.

Well, it's not fair, and we're not gonna take it out. I'm gonna help you get

that apartment.

Oh, you'll say you're my old landlord?

Better. I'll be your wife.

Well, then we're gonna need a bigger place.

There's a time for love and a time for living. Take a chance and face the wind.

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

There were times I lost a dream or two.

Found a trail and at the end was you.

There's a path you take and a path not. The choice is up to you, my friend.

Night's too long, but you might awaken to a brand new life, a brand new life, a

brand new life around the bend.

Hey, man, marriage is an awfully drastic step for just an apartment.

Al, relax.

We won't really be married. We'll just pretend for the interview.

Oh, I get it. That's a great idea.

You and me, man and wife till death do us part.

Which should be the second Tony finds out.

No, Mona, it's just a ruse to get Al an apartment. I'm going to play his wife so

his landlord thinks he's mature and responsible.

Sounds good.

Now, who's going to play Al?

Hey, how about Johnny Depp?

Hey, Sam.

Hey, Sam.

In a minute, I'm fixing my face.

There's a guy breaking into a car down there.

Boy, does this place have a view?

Well. Whoa.

I sure turned you into a soap opera.

trashy for what we're trying to pull off, Al?

Oh, what do you mean?

I made you an image of my own sainted mother.

My mistake.

So you're sure he's not going to recognize me?

No, no way. But you might want to work on your voice. You know, you got to

blonde.

Oh, Mr.

Chomsky.

You again, huh?

Yeah, this time I brought along the little woman. My wife... Candy, pleased

meet you.

He never mentioned you before.

He forgets he even has a wife. You see, I'm a stewardess, and I'm on the road a

lot.

Well, actually, I'm not on the road. I'm in the air. I mean, if airplanes were

on the road, then what would be the point?

Hey, I guess you'll pick them, can't I?

Ain't love grand, huh?

Have a seat.

There you go, baby, all clean.

I ain't sat in dirt since we've been married.

Oh, Mr.

Chomsky, this place is so beautiful.

Al and I would be so happy here.

You look familiar.

Have we ever met before?

Uh, no.

I mean, I don't think so. I mean, I never forget a face, especially a

and distinguished one like yours.

He's the jealous type, but I love him.

So give us the apartment, Mr. Chomsky, and we promise we'll be model tenants.

Well, I do like that you're married.

Me too.

I just hate it when I have to leave him.

Don't worry.

I'll water him while you're gone.

Okay, okay, all right. We'll get off the taste for a minute. Oh, thank you.

La Fizz is for athletes.

La Fizz is physical.

Oh, that's good. I like that. Let's reassociate for a minute.

You've just had an exhausting workout. You pushed your body to the max. What do

you say?

Thank you, Max.

Hey, you know what? You played great. Good game.

I'm wiped out. Me too.

I'm dying of thirst.

Come to life with La Fizz.

I'll just wring out my sweatshirt and drink that.

Probably be easy to sell.

I'm not giving up. I can sell anything to anybody.

I could sell refrigerators to Eskimos.

Not if you fill them with the fizz.

Oh, oh, look at this.

What is it? Oh, it's that letter of recommendation that I wrote for Al. You

know, he's got that interview today.

He must have left it behind.

What was he thinking?

Well, my guess would be, uh, breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

Yeah, you heard me. I got a better place.

I'm out of your stinking apartment as of now.

Hey, I ain't afraid of you. No matter how big you are, how many tattoos you

That's one mean old lady.

in the past now, Al. We did it. Welcome to Greta's village.

Yeah, me in the village. Hug me, I'm here.

Hey, Al, Al, oh, you know, you forgot this, but I didn't know you had company

there, Al. Sorry.

Bathroom, quick.

Excuse us. Oh, sure, sure.

Samantha?

The name's Candy. Pleased to meet you. Wait a minute.

What are you doing? What are you... What are you doing? You're dressed up like

some cheap floozy.

What is this, paid shots at Al's mom day?

Hey, I got the lease all filled out.

You and the missus are just a signature away from your own place. The missus?

Father of the bride.

Yeah, yeah, the father's always the last to know. What's going on here, Sam?

Sam?

I thought your name was Candy.

Oh, no, you're a guy.

No, Mr.

Chomsky, everything's fine. Could you just give us a minute, please?

You got a minute?

Okay, I want an explanation, and I want it now. Dad, calm down. We were just

pretending to be married so we could get out of this apartment.

Oh, I understand.

How could you get my daughter involved in a con like this?

Dad, it's not his fault. It was all my idea.

Your idea?

I don't believe this.

I mean, I asked you for honesty, and what do I get? I get deceit and

and... and an obscene amount of rouge.

Well, Dad, I had to do something. You know how the landlords in the city can

It's just, it's not fair.

Well, two wrongs don't make a right, Sam. Don't you know that honesty is the

best policy and that cheaters never prosper? And oh, what a tangled web we

when first we practice to deceive.

Well, I had to fight fire with fire.

Oh, please spare me your tired cliches.

Please, I've got a landlord waiting.

Hey, look, Al, I can't tell you what to do or you, but I think you should come

clean with this guy, you know what I mean?

He'll respect your honesty and you'll get the apartment. No, I don't think so.

Well, I do.

Well, you're wrong.

Well, are we going to listen to this bimbo who looks like your mother?

Okay, time is up. What's going on here?

Do the right thing, Al.

Mr. Chomsky, I got to be honest with you.

She and I ain't really married, you know. We made up the whole thing so I

just live here.

Is that so?

Is that a big man or what, Mr.

Chomsky, huh?

At the risk of losing something very important, very important to him, he

clean. I mean, he was honest. You got to respect that, right?

I was wrong.

Oh, Al is staying here. How nice.

How long?

Not as long as it looks.

I've got to get back to work.

Hey, look, James, I know this is a bad time, and you're busy and stressed out,

but Al had no place to go.

Well, technically, I did have a place.

What happened?

Dad showed up.

Hey, you have no right to point fingers, miss, miss, miss. Where there's a wig,

there's a way.

Do not touch my hair. Oh, why, why? What, are you going to use it to con

somebody else? Oh, please, Dad. You're making it out like I robbed a bank.

Ah, you already got your disguise.

Look, I just did what I thought was right. Oh, you thought that was right?

Oh, Samantha, how could you think that was right? Dad, Dad, please, please. I

have a lot of work to do here. I have a deadline.

Well, just get out of here, right, Al? Yeah, right. Don't worry about me. You

won't even know I'm here.

What's going on?

What's going on with Al?

I don't know. Maybe, maybe the spring in the couch gave.

Al, Al, are you okay?

Find out.

What's the idea?

You were screaming, Al.

Sure I was. You scared the heck out of me.

Hey, I heard a man scream and it didn't come from my place.

What's going on? Al was screaming in his sleep. No way. I sleep like a corpse.

Yeah, one that was buried alive.

We all heard you, Al.

Oh, I get it.

You're gaslighting me.

You do this to all Oh, yeah, it's one of our quaint Connecticut customs.

You know, you must have had a nightmare. What were you dreaming about?

Little yellow bunnies.

Al, did you have a lafizz before you went to bed?

Uh,

I'm sorry. Did I leave the seat up?

Night, Al.

Yeah, nighty night, Al. Hey, Al.

Here comes Peter.

Wait,

now I'm all worked up. I'll never get back there.

Can I see you in the kitchen, please? Sure.

Look,

I'm really sorry about bringing him here. You know, I had no idea he was a

screamer.

I didn't need this. I need my sleep time. If I don't come up with a campaign

tomorrow, I'm going to lose sleep again. I understand that, Angela, but what

else could I do?

Mind your own business. Everything would have been fine if you just let them get

away with their harmless little scam.

I don't believe this.

Am I the last honest man in America?

Yes, Tony, you are.

But there was nothing I could do. The guy had no place to go.

Well, why did you have to bring him here? Couldn't you leave him with Mrs.

Rossini or Tiny or Bellevue?

I don't believe this.

Am I the last responsible man in America?

Yes, Tony, you are. And I am the last ad executive in America to go to bed

tonight. All right, Angel, please don't be mad. Look, you're upset now.

But once you get a good night's sleep, you'll feel better.

The bunnies are back.

Tony. Yeah.

Pass them out.

We're out.

I feel great.

It's so quiet out here in the country.

I slept like a log.

I wonder if he'd float like one.

When Sam shows up, tell him upstairs getting dressed.

You know, boy, I almost hope I don't find a place.

I'm going to hate to leave here.

Tony,

all night, the screaming never stopped. I know. I know. Middle of the night, the

airport called to complain about the noise.

I used to like bunnies.

I've got to stop.

I've got to focus.

I've got to forget about last night. I've got to go to work.

The fizz is a scream.

Yes! That's it!

That's it!

It's here. It's Candy, the stewardess. What, are you going to stop over in

Connecticut there, Candy?

Very funny.

Where's Al?

He's upstairs getting dressed.

And let me ask you a question. What's the in -flight movie today, The Sting?

Look, I'll be in the other room waiting for Al. Oh, you're a good wife, Sam.

Nice. What?

What did I do?

Nothing. Just teasing your daughter unmercifully for the last two days. I'm

trying to get through to her any way I can.

By picking on her? Yes, I'm desperate.

I mean, I tell her how I feel about her doing something, and she goes out and

does the opposite.

Well, she does have a mind of her own. All I know, she's an adult.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

All I know is that I always thought my opinion would count for something with

her, no matter how old she got.

You know, you're just lucky that you don't have these problems with him.

Good boy.

Hey, Sam, there's some conflicts in there for you. All you got to do is, you

know, pull Jonathan's head out of the bowl and help yourself.

No, thanks.

Come on, Al.

I'm doing my hair.

Well, moose it and move it.

You guys do sound like a married couple. That is it, okay?

I have had it up to here with your taunting.

better when you screamed and shouted instead of this picking and needling and

mocking. It is driving me crazy. Oh, sure, Sam. Like you even hear me. Yeah,

that's why my stomach is upset and my face is breaking out.

Really? Yes.

Oh, yeah, you're right. Look, there's a big one there.

I did that? Yes.

And I made your stomach upset, too? Tied in knots.

Oh, honey, that's wonderful.

It is?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, well, then this will really make your day. I have gum disease. Let's

Sweetheart, you don't understand. Here, sit down, sit down.

I'm just happy that I still have some influence on you, that I haven't lost

No, no, you still have a big effect on me, unfortunately.

Sweetheart, I never meant to hurt you.

Well, Dad, you did.

Well, it's just...

It's just that I have very strong feelings about what's right and wrong,

especially where you're concerned.

I didn't move you out to Connecticut so you could put on a blonde wig and pull

some two -bit scam.

Like you did when you were a kid?

I never wore a blonde wig.

I just thought that you'd be, you know, better than me.

Well, Dad, I am.

What I did was small potatoes compared to the stunts you used to pull, Dad.

I've heard all the stories.

Did you hear the one about the embassy theater and the ball bearings?

No. That never happened.

So, if you've done what I have and worse, why are you being so hard on me?

Because, Sam, I'm sort of like an ex -smoker, you know what I mean? I can't

stand to see people doing what I used to do, especially you.

Well, Dad, no one got hurt. I was just trying to help a friend, you know, like

you've always done.

Dad, I...

I grew up hearing those stories, too.

You heard those stories?

Yeah. Well, I guess I sort of understand what you were trying to do, you know. I

don't necessarily approve, but I understand.

That's all I wanted to hear. Oh, thank you.

quiet, responsible tenant or what?

Al, are you out of your... Dad, if he doesn't get this apartment, you're going

to be the one that has to answer to Angela.

Shalom.

Yo!

Hey, hurry up!

Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

You missed the premiere of my Lafayette commercial. Okay, but I just wish that I

could have helped you more with this.

Are you kidding?

You were the entire inspiration for this show.

Shh, shh, shh. It's starting. It's starting.

Le Fizz. It's French for... Anything that tastes this bad

must be good for you. Le Fizz.

Oh, that was great.

It was great. You know, they can never accuse you of false advertising, either.

Toast. Nah.