Original subtitles

What's taking this guy so long?

Tony, the tax returns are very complicated.

No, they're not, Angela. I've done my taxes every year by myself, and every

I get a refund. Last year, $84 .50.

Paid for my bowling shoe rental for a whole year with order readers.

Marty has been doing my taxes for the last ten years, and I've always done

well, so just relax. I am relaxed.

Good news, Tony.

Good, good news. Good news is good.

Looks like the government will be sending you both a little refund.

A little refund.

Look, I do my taxes every year by myself. Last year I got $700.

I'm getting back $700?

Oh! Think of all the bowling shoes I could rent for that.

All right.

Martin Peterson.

Yes. Or as I like to call them, Mr.

Refund.

You're a special agent, Parker, criminal investigation unit of the IRS.

You're under arrest for tax fraud.

That would be two French dips with a coleslaw. You want French fries with

Mr. Peterson?

You have a right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent,

anything you say can and will be used against you. Marty, what is going on

Don't say a word. They don't have anything on us. Oh, hold it. Oh, wait a

minute. What us? What us?

There is no us. I don't even know this guy.

You know what?

I'm so happy I broke your ball toy.

Make sure you get everything. All the documents, all the files, and all the

returns. All right.

Hey!

What do you think you're trying to pull? Oh, no, nothing, nothing. I was just

going to make sure that I dotted all the I's in Maselli. You know, Maselli,

that's an Italian name.

Maselli. You wouldn't happen to be Italian, would you?

O'Malley.

Irish, Irish. Now, would you be moving your big foot so I could be here?

Oh, the Irish.

They're great people, the Irish. Right, Megan?

The choice is up to you, my friend.

It ain't so long that you might awaken to a brand new life, a brand new life, a

brand new life around the bend.

Mom, this audit is the best. You should have seen the other kids' faces when I

told them you were going to jail.

What?

Don't worry. It'll probably be one of those white -collar jails. You know,

jacuzzi, tennis courts, nature walks.

Jonathan, take a hike.

Careful. I may be the only legitimate deduction you have.

Great, great. Now we're going to jail. We are not going to jail. This is a

routine investigation. They are after my accountant, not us. Angela, you're

kidding yourself.

That's not how this works.

Let me tell you something. When these people start digging, they dig until

find something.

That's how they nailed my poor cousin Vinny. And all he had was a lousy

shoeshine stand in a neighborhood.

How much did he owe? Three million dollars.

Snack time.

Look, I'm helping you with taxes.

Well, that's very nice, honey, but why don't you give the calculator back to

lady? Yeah, or at least use the subtraction key.

Go ahead. Go ahead, Billy. Go up to your room. Go ahead.

But I want to see her squeeze blood from a stone.

Go upstairs.

Go upstairs.

Kids.

So, how's it going, Miss Foster?

Well, I'm... Almost finished. I must say, I am very impressed with your

extensive file. Thank you.

And your cigar box was quite organized as well.

No computer viruses in it, baby.

Just a couple more quick questions. Fire away.

So, you have been Angela's housekeeper for how long?

Seven happy years.

Seven, uh -huh. And he works for you full -time? Twenty -five. Five hours a

Where does he sleep?

What?

I just wondered if Tony had his own bedroom.

Oh, yes. Tony has his own bedroom.

Where did you think Tony slept?

And what does that have to do with our taxes?

Oh, this is never easy for me to say. You see, well, how much you owe the

government really depends on whether or not the two of you are intimate.

They even put a tax on that?

No wonder Mona's always broke.

No, no, no, no. You see, one of the tax frauds that your accountant specialized

in was having his married clients file as singles.

Oh, so you think she and I are married? And posing as singles? That's

ridiculous!

Oh, wait a minute. What made you think we were married? Well, it's just that

finding dozens of receipts for gifts of a rather personal and intimate nature

you bought for each other. Really? Oh, well, that can all be very easily

explained. Uh -huh. Like this one from Mr. Maselli from Pretty in Pink Lingerie

for one black teddy.

I had to replace the one I ripped.

Wait a minute. It got stuck in the washing machine on the tumbler.

airline tickets to Italy for two. Well, we had to go there on family business.

His family, not mine. We have two separate families.

So you traveled 8 ,000 miles to help your housekeeper with his family

Well, we are close.

So I see.

Not that close.

What a day.

thing wears you out like a day of shopping mother mother come come here

please would you do us a favor would you please tell this lady that tony and i

are not married let's examine the facts they've been together a long time they

squabble like a couple and they never have sex sounds married to me

Sam, Sam, come here a second.

Sam, this is Miss Foster from the Internal Revenue Service.

Oh, it's nice to meet you.

She thinks that we owe some more money because there's some confusion about

whether or not we're married. You know, tell her that.

Oh, they're married. Sam.

They're not married. No, Sam, Sam. What?

What do you want me to say?

They're whatsoever cheap.

Kids.

But let's just be logical here for a minute. If we were married... Which

not. Why would we lie about it? Why wouldn't we just say so? Yeah, because

everybody knows it's cheaper to file as married. No, not in your case. There's a

lot of reasons to file as single.

Oh, yeah?

Like what?

Like a higher standard deduction, like lowering your income levels and

more deductions on individual accounts, like the contribution that Angela

deducts that she makes to your Social Security, which is not... compared to

deduction she takes for your child care expenses.

I think you should take your witch hunt elsewhere unless you can come up with

some real proof that shows we're married.

Like this receipt from the Moonlight Motel where you checked in in South

Carolina as Mr.

and Mrs.

Maselli?

That's not bad.

But easily explained. That's right. It was the... It was the baseball. Oh, the

convention. The convention, that's right. And the motel lost our

and we had to take the last room that was left, and Tony slept on the floor.

Absolutely nothing happened. Well, that may be true, but when you check into a

motel as Mr.

and Mrs. in a common law state like South Carolina, you can be considered

legally married.

You mean I didn't have to sleep on the floor?

Oh, why?

Because we checked in some places, Mr. and Mrs.? That's nuts.

Well, we have a saying at the office.

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

Well, we've got a saying back in Brooklyn, and it goes something like

yeah?

Ben, thank you for helping out your good neighbor. Yeah, yeah, and a good

lawyer, judging by your license plate. Good lawyer.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, according to common law in the state of South Carolina, any intention

live publicly together provides evidence of a mutual agreement of marriage.

No, this can't be happening.

All right, look.

You have two options.

One is to produce evidence that you're not really married. Oh, wait a minute.

Hold it. Now, how do you prove you're not something?

I mean, they don't give out not married certificates.

They don't say, with this ring, I don't de -wed.

And the organist doesn't play, here don't come the bride.

Well, all right, then your other option is to fight it in court. You know,

people challenge these old laws all the time and win. Oh, that's great. How do

we do that? Well, you give me a $25 ,000 retainer, I'll make a couple of phone

calls for you.

Well, how about I give you 25 bucks and you call after 6 when the rates are

lower?

All right, listen, whatever you two decide, I'll be happy to help. Oh,

Thanks. Guys, would you cheer up, please?

Come on, it could be worse.

If you transported sheep across a state line, you could be lynched.

Yeah, well, at least I wouldn't be married to him.

Thank you.

Thank you a lot. Oh, no, Angelo, I didn't mean that you were worse than

You're better than sheep. You're better than sheep. Of course, you do not give

us wool.

You provide warmth in other ways, Angie. Nice try, Tony. We've got to do

something. Like what?

Well, you're the husband. Make a decision.

Okay, wifey. Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to fight the IRS in court because we're right. You know and I know

and everybody else that knows us knows we're not married. That's right.

Idiot.

Anniversary? Yeah, we figured it out. It's been about a year since your trip

South Carolina. Your one -year anniversary.

Anniversary!

Come on, sit down. Because we have quite an evening planned for both of you.

Oh, look what a cute couple.

And they said it would never last.

Actually, they said it would never happen.

On behalf of the children, a little something for Mom and Pop.

Good pop, good pop.

What is this?

What?

See,

now you never have to be apart.

That's very cute, guys, very cute.

And that's not all.

Here's a little something for my daughter and my son -in -law for their

honeymoon.

Mona, what is this?

You got it upside down.

Oh, Mona!

It's a hat.

Is that it? No.

Put on the sweatshirt. Oh, I don't think so. Oh, come on. They went to such

trouble, and it is our anniversary.

They remembered you forgot, typical.

Neg, neg, neg.

A little twisted here. Where's your other arm? Oh!

Excuse me, honey.

It's perfectly all right. I quite enjoyed it, dear.

Come on, let's go get the cake.

Yeah. Okay, now here's the plan. I'm going to take the kids to a movie.

feature. Let nature take its course.

Mother.

Oh, come on. You're legally married now.

Even the federal government wants you to do it.

Look, if you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your country.

Hold on, please. I assure you that's the furthest thing from our minds right

now. That is right.

Is it getting hot in here? Yeah, it's a little warm.

I got it.

I mean...

We'll get it. Come on.

All right, look. Right, left, right, left. Ready?

That's your left. Right, left, right.

Oh, boy.

This isn't what

it looks like.

Quack, quack.

Married people, you sure do a lot of married things.

Except the important ones.

Well, I don't want to interrupt the festivities. I just wanted to drop off

revised tax bill with the penalties to date. This is the amount you now owe.

my gosh! Oh, let me tell you something, Ms. Forster. We are not paying this.

We're going to fight this to the end, period. Fine, fine. But I must warn you

that during your protest, substantial interest penalties will continue to

Happy anniversary.

Who are you?

Get off me. Will you spread out, please?

All right, look, look. Don't worry about this, Angela, because we're going to

win this. We're in this together, right? Wrong.

What? Wrong. I quit.

I am not going to spend years in court with the IRS. I am going to pay this and

get it over with. But it won't be over with, Angela, because in the

eyes, we'll still be married.

Okay, then we'll get a divorce.

I can't get a divorce.

I'm Catholic.

Well, we have got to do something.

Well, what about Uncle Carmine, Dad? He was Catholic, and he got out of a

marriage. Yes, and they never did find that body.

No,

Dad, I'm talking about his first marriage.

Oh, right, Sam. You're brilliant. That'll solve all our problems. So what

going to do?

We're going to go upstairs and pack.

I'm taking you on a little trip. Come on.

Probably the last thing Uncle Carmine said to his wife.

And now, by the power vested in me by the state of South Carolina, I now

pronounce you husband and wife.

Now, go on, son. Kiss him.

That was a beautiful ceremony, Your Honor. You made me cry.

Here's my handkerchief.

Oh, thanks.

She's so sentimental, Your Honor. I'm sorry. It's just I'm really touched when

see two people bonded together, pledging their love into eternity.

Well, now, what can I do for you?

Terminate our marriage.

What? Oh, yeah, we're here for an annulment, Your Honor. We need you to

this document.

An annulment? Yeah, well, that will prove that our marriage never existed.

right? Yes.

Great. We'll take one of those.

Well, if you ordered a gnomon, I need to know what your grounds are.

Uh, grounds.

Uh, sure. Okay.

What do you got?

Did you see Golden Arches when you drove in here, son? This ain't a fast food

restaurant.

We're very sorry, Your Honor. We meant no disrespect. We were in a hurry, and

didn't have time to research the process, and we would appreciate any

could extend us. Well, marriage unconsummated.

Bingo! We have a winner.

Frank, we'll take that. Marriage Intoxicated. Right, that's our ground.

Unable to perform husbandly beauty.

Right. Hold it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. That can't go down on my permanent record.

First of all, nobody would believe it. You know, I'm Italian.

And second of all, whoa, I'm Italian.

This is getting very complicated. The simple truth is that we got caught in a

technicality and we never meant to be married.

So you're saying there was lack of intent?

Yes, total.

Well, those are sufficient grounds.

For real, Your Honor? For real.

Thank you, thank you. I knew this would work out.

But I won't give it to you.

Four score and seven years ago.

I'm sorry. You see, it's just so rare that I see a couple that obviously cares

for one another so much and belongs together. Now, in my heart, I just

grant this annulment.

Case dismissed.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Your Honor. I got something to say.

Tony, please, don't tell him you pay his salary.

Mano, look, when I get married, I want it to be on my terms when I'm good and

ready. Yes, and I want romance and flowers and a beautiful little wedding

maybe outside by a pond. Oh, hey, you want a small wedding? Oh, yeah, I had a

big one the first time. You know how that turned out. Yeah, well, you know,

and Marie, we eloped.

Oh, so you'd want a big wedding. Well, hey, you invite my family, Mano, and

you've got a big wedding.

No, but you know, you've got to have a hassle. You've got the RSVP, you've got

the invitations, you've got the caterers. Excuse me?

Sorry, we got a little carried away.

Look. Your Honor, when I marry an appropriate

person, I don't want it to be because I signed in some places,

Mr. and Mrs. I want it to be because I love her and I cherish her and I want to

spend the rest of my life with her.

You make an impassioned case.

Well, it means a lot to me, Your Honor, to both of us.

Well, by the power vested in me by the state of South Carolina, I hereby

declare this marriage a no.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor. Thank you. Angela, we're unmarried.

Oh, you are Italian.

We did it. We did it. We have proof. Angela.

Tony, you were fantastic. You really pulled it off. What a relief.

No kidding.

Hey, what's the matter?

Nothing.

I don't know. Just for a second I felt a little sad.

You mean like as if you maybe lost something?

Yeah.

That's funny.

Me too.

Well, that's crazy.

Because we never wanted it in the first place. Yeah, we wanted to be single, and

now we are.

We should be happy.

Absolutely, huh?

Hey, now that you're single, are you free for dinner?

Maybe, but I should warn you, I don't kiss on the first date.

We'll see.

I cannot believe... that Tony would go to anyone you recommended after that

fiasco with the accountant?

Mother, that was one isolated incident. He forgave me and he trusts me again.

And besides, Antoine has been doing my hair for years.