Original subtitles

Boy, oh boy.

Come on, Angela, let's shake a leg, please.

Angela, come on, we gotta get to that funeral, come on.

I still don't know why we're going to that thing. I thought you didn't like

Aiello. No, I didn't. I didn't. He was mean.

He was the kind of guy that would, you know, steal money from the Salvation

Christmas pot.

The kind of guy that would cut in front of an older lady on the communion line,

you know?

The kind of guy that would knock over a little boy's bike.

It was a new bike, Angela. Shiny red.

It was a Ross.

It had them little flame stripes, you know what I mean? Yellow. They were

He was evil incarnate.

And why are we going?

Out of respect.

Forget it, Jonathan.

Come on, Sam. Be human for a change.

Not again. They have been at this all day.

If they put me in a bad mood for this funeral, so help me.

Come on, Sam. You take him. Hey, I'm going to be watching him all day. You

him. I can't.

Oh, hey, time out.

He's with you two. It's nothing but bicker, bicker, bicker.

I need to buy stuff for school and no one will take me.

I can't believe what I'm hearing here. If Billy needs something, you two should

be fighting over who's going to do it first.

Sure, so I have to give up working on my term paper just so he could go study

with some girl who obviously has no taste in men.

Girl, girl, what girl?

Patricia. Wait, keep a secret, big mouth.

Look, I have no time for this childish banter. Right now, I am immersed in

Plato's Republic.

Well, immerse yourself in this.

Oh, yeah?

Guys, guys, guys, please stop, stop. You're getting Billy all wet. Come on.

There's a time for love and a time for living.

Take a chance and face the wind.

An open road and a road that's hidden. A brand new life around the bend.

There were times I lost a dream or two.

Found a trail and at the end was you.

There's a path we take and a path not taken. The choice is up to you, my

I'm going

to

tell you something that my grandfather told me.

Family, la familia, is everything. And you guys are family.

Actually, Dad, we're not. We're all from different parents.

Well, you're as close to family as you're going to get. Now, look, you guys

to pull together and do things for each other. I'll show you what I mean. Here.

See this? See this pencil?

This one lone solitary pencil?

Yeah, Jonathan, break that pencil.

Huh. Interesting.

Easily broken, that one pencil, huh?

Now, take these three pencils here. United.

Try to break those, Jonathan.

Oh, that wasn't supposed to happen. Angela, get me three iron pipes.

I think they got the point. And the point is? Three people standing together

stronger than any single member of that group. Oh, there's your soul, doesn't

it, people?

Okay, okay, Billy, I'd be glad to take you shopping. Come on, what do you need,

buddy? More pencils. Tony Wilkins. All right, tell me.

Well,

you and Mom better get going. Dead men don't wait.

What's the matter? Want to spend some time alone with Patricia, huh, guy?

Does this Patricia have a last name? No, Mom, she doesn't. She's like Cher.

That's good.

You see, Angela, see, there are certain times in a young man's life when he

can't discuss everything with his mother, so, of course, he comes to his

housekeeper.

What's the scoop, studmeister?

We're going, we're going. Okay, come on.

Back door, back door.

Jonathan, we will not embarrass you. Really? We just want to meet your little

study buddy.

Well, I won't embarrass you. And I'll try to keep your mother in line.

Hi, Patricia.

Hey, Joe.

Joe? She calls everybody Joe.

Names are just labels.

I deplore labels.

Okay.

So, Joe, this is Joe's mother, Joe, and I'm Joe, Joe's housekeeper, Joe.

Nice to meet you, Patricia.

I like the way you guys dress, basic black.

Oh, well, we have to go to a funeral.

Cool, I love funerals. Can we go?

I don't think it would be much fun for you with a closed casket.

Hey, what a bummer. Well, let's go study.

Oh, this is my grandma.

Hiya, Joe.

Hiya, Bill.

I like her. Thanks. I like your fifth earring from the top.

Oh, this is an African love stone.

Folklore has it that if your partner nibbles on it, he'll rabbit you like a

beast.

Cool.

We are not going to the funeral.

Come on, Angel. It's just folklore.

No, it's not. I've got one.

Come on, now. I admit she's a little bit quirky, but I'm sure deep down inside,

she's a nice, normal kid.

No, that girl sprouted from a pod.

You know, if Mother thinks she's weird... Oh, my poor Jonathan. All

wait, wait, wait, wait. Your poor Jonathan can take care of himself.

You wouldn't be saying that if it was Sam and there was some guy wearing an

African love stone.

Oh, I wouldn't be overreacting. I'll, uh, you.

Oh, you mean like the time you barricaded the front door to keep Sam

out with that guy with the leather chaps?

I didn't barricade the door.

I was simply looking for a new place for the refrigerator.

And anyway, I mean, it's a lot different for guys and girls, you know. Uh -huh.

you have a double standard. Well, yes and no.

Well, what I mean is, I mean, at some point, you've got to realize that as

kids grow up, they're going to date people that you don't like.

Maybe you're right. I know I am.

I'm just so glad it's not me this time.

Come on, come on. We'll go to the funeral, take your mind off your

huh? Oh, we've got the flowers. All right, I'll warm up the car.

You crack me up. You know, you're the greatest guy.

We look cute as two.

All right, Joe.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey, where are you going? Where are you going?

Sounds like you're on a roll in there.

Correction. The guy she's talking to on the phone is on a roll.

Oh. What do I do, Tony?

Well, Jonathan, do you really like this girl?

Like her?

Every time I see her, it's like my insides are going to explode and show up

my outsides.

Well, as the guy who does the laundry around here, let's try to avoid that.

Come here, come here. Look, listen to me, listen.

If you really like this girl, Jonathan, then go for it.

Go for it?

So what you're saying is go for it? Well, that's another way of putting it.

But what I mean is just be cool. Don't let that other guy intimidate you. And

whatever you do, make sure Patricia knows how you feel about her.

First, I have to convince her that I exist.

You do whatever it takes to win her heart.

Whatever it takes.

Go for it.

You know so much about women.

Can't live with them. Can't live without them.

Another one. I've got to write these down.

Hey, look, Jonathan.

You take these, huh? They'll do you a lot more good than they will Mr. Aiello,

huh? Thanks, Tony. All right.

I'm going for it. Go for it.

I'm glad I'm not 15 no more.

Okay, I'll call you later, Joe.

Bye.

Here. These are for you.

Jonathan.

Oh, and a card.

Thinking of you in your time of sorrow?

This is such a turn -on.

What can I say? I'm a romantic guy.

You know, I don't feel like studying. There's this new German film at the

Farner. Want to go?

Sure. The number five bus runs right by there.

A bus?

I don't think so.

I'll get you out of here.

Wait.

I'll take you.

You're only 15. You don't have a license.

Just because I don't have a license doesn't mean I can't drive.

Really? Sure. Come on. We'll take my mom's car.

Uh -oh. They took my mom's car.

What about this Jeep?

It's Tony's Jeep.

Well, it's black, and I do love black.

Hey, whatever it takes.

It's rock and roll. All right. First, the ignition.

Then, pop this thing into drive and release the parking brake.

Sam?

Sam!

Sam! What?

I've got to talk to you. I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

Oh, okay. I'm here for you. What is it?

I crashed Tony's car.

Bye. Sam, wait.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Why would you do such a stupid thing?

I did it to impress Patricia.

I did it for love.

Oh, for love.

That'll buy that.

What happened?

Well, I was making a right turn and Patricia started tickling my cheek with

nose and then she started... I don't want to hear about that!

I got nervous and I jumped the curb and ran through a rose bush. And now there's

a scratch on Tony's fender.

Oh, how... How big a scratch?

Not that big.

Actually, it's pretty small.

In fact, you can hardly see it.

Hey, maybe he won't even notice.

Somebody scratched Tony's car.

Well, look at the bright side.

Now Dad could go from one funeral to another.

You gotta help me, Sam.

Oh, Jonathan, you are not dragging me into this. Boy, I asked you for one tiny

favor and you turned your back on me. I'm gonna have to kill somebody here.

Oh, yes, you did, Samantha.

I did? Yes.

We just went through this, didn't we, people? The pencils.

Pencils? You know, families stick together.

That's right, silly boy. That's right. We help each other. And what's the first

thing I hear when I walk in the house? Sam saying, no, I won't help you.

But, Dad, no. No, no, no. Please, please. I don't want to hear it. You two

work this out.

We will.

Don't worry about it, Tony.

What are you guys doing back so fast?

Well, the ground was so frozen they couldn't dig the grave. It's been

rescheduled for next week.

It's just like that Aiello to make me go to his funeral twice.

I'm telling you, if this happens again, it's burial at sea.

You heard what Tony said, Sam. We help each other. Please help me.

Forget it, Jonathan. I am not going to be part of any cover -up.

Cover -up?

That's great.

I'll cover up the scratch with Tony's touch -up paint.

You're the best, Sam.

Billy, don't grow up like him.

Okay.

Sam, I know I'm not the greatest grandmother in the world, but did I miss

Jonathan's 16th birthday?

No, he's still 15, Mama.

Good.

Then I don't have to give him this gift.

It was stale anyway.

I could have sworn that I saw Jonathan driving Tony's Jeep on Third Street.

And there was a girl nibbling at his earlobe. I don't want to hear about

I tried to follow him, but he took a shortcut through a rose bush.

Yeah, that was Jonathan.

Billy, that was our little secret.

Well, I didn't tell her about the scratch.

Was somebody hurt?

No, it was nothing. But he's such a bonehead, and now he wants me to bail

out. I mean, why would he come to me?

You mean other than the fact that he worships the ground you walk on?

Please, Mona.

No, I'm serious.

He thinks of you as a big sister.

He's always bragging to his friends about Sam, the college girl.

He even carries a picture of you in his wallet.

I know. I just went through it.

Absolutely. So don't be so hard on the kid, huh?

Remember when you were 15?

You were kind of a bonehead, too.

Great. One person in the world idolizes me, and it's Jonathan.

I idolize you.

The paper's insane. Now what am I going to do?

Give me that.

How have you survived since I moved out?

It hasn't been easy. Billy doesn't know how to do anything.

Hey.

Anyone want some tea? Oh, no, no, thanks.

What was that?

Nail polish.

Black nail polish?

It's Patricia's.

I'd rather get it back to her. Oh, Jonathan, I want to talk to you about

You're right, Mom. She's weird. She's strange. She's definitely not for me.

never going to see her again.

Boy, as a parent, I'm good.

Wait a moment.

Wait a moment.

Where are you going?

I'm going to put some more antifreeze in my Jeep.

Now? Yeah, yeah. Tonight it's supposed to drop down to 10 degrees. And, you

know, next to you, that Jeep's my baby.

Well, why don't you put some... antifreeze in yourself first. Why don't

some tea?

Thanks, Sam. It's very nice of you, but I'll have some later.

Ow! Ow!

What's wrong?

Oh, I think I have something in my eye.

Oh, let me see. Let me see. Come here. Come here. Come here. Come here. Look

Yeah, I don't see anything, Sam. Oh, Dad, it really hurts.

Well, maybe it's some dust.

Dust?

In my kitchen, Angela?

I know exactly what you meant, but let me tell you something. This is all

Mike.

You

want

me to pull over?

Officer, I couldn't have been speeding. You caught up to me on foot.

Are you Anthony Maselli, the registered owner of this vehicle?

Yeah? Smithel, I got a complaint here charging you with careless driving and

destroying private property.

What, are you kidding me? I just moved the car three inches. What, did I get an

air tilt?

Sir, earlier today your vehicle was identified in a Rosebush thrashing

That's crazy.

This car hasn't moved all day.

You're wasting your time, officer.

That's part of my job, sir.

Can you explain to me why this hood is warm?

It is?

It is.

And maybe you can explain that touch -up paint on your pants.

Do I get one phone call?

Sir, you have 24 hours to make restitution to the complaining party, or

warrant will be issued for your arrest.

Have a nice day.

So far, the high point's been a funeral.

I kept your tea hot.

I'm already hot enough.

The police were just here.

Why? What's wrong?

While we were at that funeral, somebody stole my Cherokee, got into an accident,

and tried to cover it up by painting over the scratch.

Who would do something like that? There's only one person in this

who's childish and irresponsible enough to pull a stunt like that.

Why would Mother steal your car? Why, Angela, why?

Who knows how the criminal mind works?

What is all this yelling about?

Does the term hit and run mean anything to you, Mona?

Well, that's what they used to call me in high school.

Did you find that out?

An officer of the law was just here.

Oh, that's right, see? I know all about the accident, the rosebush, the paint. I

know everything.

Um... Oh, okay, okay.

You caught me. I will pay for the damage, and I'll get your car fixed,

No, it's not okay, Mona. What you did was stupid and irresponsible.

And what kind of example is that to set for the children?

Look, Tony, she didn't do it. The truth is... I took your car.

If you want to yell at someone, yell at me.

Sam... I can't believe you would do... something like this. She didn't do it.

was me.

You cracked up my car?

Yeah, I couldn't get over the wheel.

All right, wait a minute. What is going on in here?

Look, everybody, thanks for covering for me, but the truth is, the...

Patricia usually dates older guys who drive, and I... I knew it. I knew it. I

knew that girl was a bad influence on him. Look what she did to my baby.

Look what your baby did to my Jeep.

I knew I was doing something wrong, but this voice in my head said, go for it.

Go for it. Now, why would you listen to such a stupid voice?

It was Tony's.

Well, I was, you know, I was going to, you know... Well, I meant more like, you

know, writer of a poem, not Grand Theft Auto.

I know.

I'm sorry.

You're grounded for one month, and when it comes time to get your driver's

license, don't hold your breath.

Okay, Mom.

Oh, and you.

Oh, yeah, you.

You for covering up for him like that? You're grounded, too. Go to your room.

Fine.

May not work as well once they move out.

Uh -oh.

And what do you think we should do about him? Well, obviously, he's the brains

of the operation.

I'll go to my room.

I'm telling you, it's the way Babyface Nelson started.

And you knew all about this, and you didn't say anything.

I'll go to my room.

Conjugal wisdom.

You must

be furious.

I'm furious. It's not even my car.

What?

What are you grinning about?

Their family, Angela.

What? Don't you get it? When the chips were down, when they needed each other,

there they were, calling for each other.

Three pencils, unbreakable.

They bonded, Angela.

Against us in crime.

Well, you gotta start somewhere.

So, Patricia and I patched things up and we're going out tonight. Oh, that's

great. Great job. But hey, is it okay with your mother? Oh, yeah. She's really

cool about it. Right, Mom?

That's right, honey.

That's Patricia.

Good day.