Original subtitles

That's a fiver you owe me, Major.

Oh? I'm terribly sorry. I'm forgetting the introductions. Mrs. Peel, Major

Carson. How do you do?

Delighted to make your acquaintance.

I told you, Mrs. Peel has all the qualifications for the job.

What job?

The majors from the department.

Assigned to me until after the conference.

What conference?

Meeting of defence chiefs, day after tomorrow.

Steed represents security, but we're pretty certain there's going to be an

attempt to infiltrate.

By whom?

Colonel Zepp.

There are spies and spies, but he's the king of them all.

This is only part of his dossier. Most impressive.

Yes, but in spite of that, we haven't the faintest idea what he looks like,

even a photograph.

But we are certain that Zepp is in the country.

Wherever he goes, so does his entourage. And we do have pictures of them.

Alicia, Elena, Secretary.

Vogel, third assistant.

Shvedlov, second assistant.

Budeshkin, third. Third assistant.

They all arrived in the country last night. And apart from these four, no

ever seen them.

And he's the one you think will try and gate -crash the conference?

Sure of it. It's rather difficult to identify him, a man without a face. But

is human.

He has certain habits and weaknesses, like this.

Krem the Violet.

Very partial to cigars.

Jamaican. Torpedo number two.

Also a very snappy dresser. Owns more suits than an army of stockbrokers.

And he has one very special hobby.

I'm sure you'll find it fascinating, Mrs. Peel.

Most realistic.

Yes. Oh, yes, yes.

It also has a receiver and servo. All our models are radio -controlled, sir.

Oh, yes. I would like a complete outfit with all the accessories.

And I will take it myself.

Very good, sir. I shan't keep you long.

Thank you.

Confirms it, then.

Sergei Evenko, a minor official of their embassy.

No doubt about it.

Serves him down.

I've never let you down yet, Colonel Zev.

I'll attend to it immediately.

Ivanko.

I'll take that.

Yes, Colonel,

he's just arrived.

Yes, he's two minutes late.

Rodney, you're two minutes late.

Both requests were transmitted an hour ago.

Elena.

Lunch, yes, of course, Colonel.

Omelette au caviar with sour cream.

Chateau Brion and Tabaglione to follow.

Please, Ambassador.

Oh. Colonel Zerv objects to cold coffee.

So sorry.

Yes. Brodny, you have the Colonel's cigar.

Oh, yes. Yes.

And the model kit.

Please allow me. Only personal staff are allowed in the office.

Remember, Ambassador?

Yes.

Brodny? You had to remain?

But I have got a great deal of... work.

Brodny, those cigars.

The colonel had asked me to give you a message. A message?

You have a message for me?

Yes.

Corpedo number three, not two.

And in boxes of a hundred in future.

Please. The Colonel's liqueur, you have it?

La creme de violette?

Oh, well, I have tried everywhere.

Our man in Paris had the same difficulty. Ah, poor Lemkoff, whatever

him? Comrades, I'm still trying, and I'm sure I will find the bottle. I promise.

The ministry file, it is complete. Oh, in every detail. But the conference room

is impregnable. Who is this John Steed?

Um, security.

But incorruptible. I know him personally.

I'm having him watch. Rodney, you know the purpose of this conference is to

the basis and supply routes of the Polaris submarine.

The colonel intends to obtain this information.

Yes, well, I hope he does.

But I'm sorry, I fear that he may return home empty -handed.

If he does, Rodney, you will be coming with us.

They're out of luck, sir.

You're having a drop in the place.

Are you certain?

I have looked everywhere.

Cream de violette.

Cream of violette.

I'm sorry, sir.

Brodny, my old comrade.

You're not going out there.

Terrible weather we're having. Might just as well be in Siberia.

Now, this is on me.

What was the gentleman drinking?

I was drinking a vodka.

Yes, I'll have a vodka.

Vodka? I thought you hated the filthy stuff.

Oh, no, not me.

Now, be honest.

British gin, that's your favourite tipple. Oh, no, you're mistaken. I drink

vodka. Nothing but vodka. I love it.

Cheers.

I needed that.

Since you're so partial to it, you have another one. I'll have a brandy, please.

By the way, Brodny, you don't look too well. I know it can't be homesickness.

Please. Because you told me that if you were ever transferred, you'd rather cut

your... You're disturbing all the other customers.

Well, down the hatch.

It's perfection.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I must be going now.

Oh, Brodny.

A small gift to cement relations.

Oh, creme de violette.

Of course, if you prefer vodka. Oh, no, no. No, I like a good liqueur.

Steady. Very rare.

Well, I can't keep it for my very special friend. I should.

Thank you.

Hope the colonel enjoys it. Oh, I'm sure he will.

Andrei, he wants you.

I've got... Andrei, he's in one of his moods.

Andrei, wait.

It's pills. Don't forget them.

I've got the liqueur, comrade.

What's this for? Fashion show. The colonel wants details of new season's

But I know nothing about fashions. Then take Ivanko with you.

And here's David Ryan wearing a dinner jacket of the very latest material.

Elegant. conservative in cut but with a host of hidden extras champagne

resistant and the driest martini just rolls off flame and fluff proof anyone

cocktail and now something for the man who refuses to be pushed around

for the man who sets his own trend for the man who whips up a souffle of

sartorial surprises and adds just that teeny pinch of the unexpected

Riviera revels, capers at Cannes, moonlight in Monty, showing you what's

what's in for every occasion, is Gordon Webster.

A shirt of sheer silk to set you singing, stylish, a hat with a dash of

panache, roguish, an ensemble that spells man, the chaperon with the

and plaques built for action. Wear them when swinging the cha -cha -cha. What do

you think, Ambassador?

Oh, yes.

Excellent. Order it.

This, too, comes in a variety of styles and color schemes.

Hello, Steve here.

Hello?

Hello?

Anybody there?

Hello? Hello?

Ambassador Smith.

And here's Gordon Webster again showing us what the all -fishing, all -shooting,

all -hunting man is wearing this year.

Designed for the man who likes his sport in the rough.

A man who keeps his eye on the target, whether it's rod and line or smooth

This is the outfit he used, cunningly cut to accentuate that male, male build,

yet remains loose and easy for action wear.

Gentlemen, really an outfit to go stag in.

Like the wind, I tell you. Well, I was struck with the idea immediately.

Ivanko, you will watch. It was my idea.

A perfect double for Steve. And not only that, you know. I checked with the

moral agency. Ivanko, you will watch. I checked. You've already told us that

several times.

Here.

His name is Webster.

Gordon Webster.

He's an actor by profession, but an opportunist by nature.

He drinks, gambles, he womanizes.

He is corruptible.

We get the point.

Yes.

Comrades, don't you see?

This is a magnificent opportunity to infiltrate the conference room.

Now, I think... Can a Zephyr do the thinking?

Of course.

Naturally.

Well? I am to congratulate you, Ambassador.

The Colonel thinks it is an excellent idea.

But... There is work to be done.

Withdraw the man watching Steed's apartment.

Withdraw? We must not arouse suspicion.

And these files on Steed... Oh, yes. I compiled them myself.

They are inadequate.

Oh, yes. I quite agree.

I've got a staff of morons. The Colonel wants up -to -the -minute material.

Steed's apartment must be wired for power. No, it's impossible. A wily fox

Steed would never... You will attend to it personally.

No, with all due respect, I am a diplomat. I am not a cloak -and -dagger

You have Steed's confidence.

Go to him.

Here.

Is it raining out? It contains a transmitter.

Place it in Steed's apartment.

Ambassador. Do you always squeeze the toothpaste from the middle?

No, I never did until I got married.

I'm not expecting anyone.

Then I'd better crawl back into the woodwork.

From whence you came?

Ambassador Brodney. To improve relations.

For me, how nice.

But I really can't. Nonsense, dear chap. I insist you drink myself.

Well, this is charming.

Charming? Oh, but I have interrupted you. Please. As a matter of fact, I do

a rather pressing engagement.

Well, then, you mustn't let me delay you. Since you're here, won't you say

another drink?

Not for me, old boy. Do you mind if I do? Not at all, not at all.

That's the whole idea.

Well.

Chin, chin.

But surely... Extraordinary fellow.

You have planted the umbrella.

With no trouble.

I have no trouble at all.

Yes, Colonel Zeph?

The television.

Yes, immediately.

He wants you, Boris.

Are you going to switch it on?

In a few moments, we'll be seeing the arrival of the commanders of the Western

Defense Commission.

They're here for preliminary talks prior to the main conference to be held in 48

hours. Well, I think they're ready for us now, so over we go to Westminster.

Well, as you can see, the Western Defense chiefs are just arriving.

That's him?

That deep?

And I'm sure... Mr. Gordon Webster is here.

When I wish this important conference every success.

Peace, armed peace, is the thought uppermost in the minds of the

commanders here today.

Told you I was this old fruit on driving.

I know I won't hurt you.

Now fill me up, ducky.

Thank you.

Cigar?

Well, you certainly do yourselves proud, don't you? With the compliments of

Colonel Zeb.

Who's Colonel Zeb when he's at home?

Senior boy, eh?

That's the headmaster's study?

A wee bit above my head.

Fully operational, eh? Used to fly one of these little jobs.

Before you were cashier.

We are fully conversant with your background, Mr. Webster. No need to tell

then, eh?

Who's the aero -modeller?

Oh, don't tell me.

Colonel Zev.

A light for Mr. Webster. Yes, sir.

You fool!

Now you've done it.

Telephone the shop and get a replacement immediately.

Yes, sir.

No, not from here.

Outside.

Idiot. I agree with you, Joseph.

Time he would return home.

As I was saying, Mr. Raptor, there is very little we don't know about you.

You have a record.

You gamble.

Let's see the color of your cards.

Deck's incomplete.

Sorry, Darkie.

Arrow models?

A replacement for what?

Oh, yes, sir. I have one in stock.

Certainly, sir.

I'll deliver it personally.

And that is only a deposit, Mr. Webster.

Stakes are tempting, old sport.

I want to know what sort of game it is.

I'd like to know the rules before I start.

Dispose of this man and then impersonate him.

Yes, the resemblance is quite striking.

Yes, it is, isn't it?

How tall is he?

Six foot two.

I'm a bit shorter than that.

Maybe we could use lifts.

He's better looking.

I don't know, Ducky.

Could you do it?

Well,

I think so. Why?

Isn't that reason enough?

I suppose I could.

A little bit of coaching.

You'll get that.

I've got to get his mannerisms.

The voice.

You'll also need to study this.

Mrs. Peel.

She's a close friend of Steve.

Lucky Steve.

He's in the apartment.

He's phoning.

Hello, security?

Steed here.

Defense chief's all safely delivered.

I ward Paris. Admiral Lefrayer should be with us in an hour or so. Plane delayed

through engine trouble.

Yes, not to worry, sir. Everything's under control.

Well?

I ward Paris, sir.

Admiral Lefrayer should be here in an hour or so.

Uh, plane to... Oh, it's still difficult.

Um, not to worry, sir.

Everything under control, sir.

Excellent.

That's really excellent.

Good day. I'm from Aeromodels.

I will take it. There's two pounds to pay.

All right, Grisha, I will see to it.

Prestity.

Come in, please.

All right, Grisha.

Thank you very much for being so prompt.

Two pounds.

Oh, yes.

I will just... Please, wait one moment.

Excuse me, please.

Thank you. Thank you. This way, please.

Cast honour, Mrs Peel. I haven't been near the embassy all day. Indeed.

A joke's a joke, but I saw you.

Reeve, it's Ruther Kringle. Yes, yes, I know. I just need smaller fingers.

What are you up to?

You were at the embassy today.

I went to meet the Western defence chief, delivered them at their hotel and

straight back here. Isn't that right, Major? That's quite correct. Left 12

returned 2 .47. Hasn't been out since.

And the man I saw was a quince.

An absolute double.

and I'm sure Mother would have mentioned it. If he believes her, we're done for.

But you have a double.

And if I'm right, Zev could be planning a swap to get him into the conference.

How could he do that with my watchdog here?

Anyway, if I had a double, you'd notice it in 30 seconds.

People may look alike, but they don't behave alike.

So, what are we worrying about?

Quite difficult to tell us apart.

Remarkable. Astonishing.

Fantastic.

Perfect. We all agree, then.

The resemblance is superb.

Well, Ambassador, if I might make a slight criticism.

Don't you think he likes a certain panache?

Nonsense. Ridiculous.

Rubbish.

Poppycock! He's an exact replica.

Perfect in every detail.

Exact replica, yes.

Thank you, Ducky.

Anyway, tomorrow we will put it to the final test.

Oh? Yes, but Mr. Brodney has arranged a little cocktail party.

But it is going to be there.

Oh, don't worry. We have a plan to divert him.

And you will take his place.

Oh.

So if Mrs. Peel accepts me as the real seed, then you will have passed the acid

test. You had better leave now. We must not risk an accidental meeting.

Go back to your apartment and await our telephone call. There's just one point

I'll support.

Supposing Mrs. Peel rumbles the fact that there are two seeds, then there

be one less Mrs. Peel.

You're taking a bit of a risk, aren't you?

Leaving your watchdog behind.

He hasn't been invited.

Besides, it's worth the risk if we spot those.

Oh, do you think he'll be there?

Mingling amongst the party guests.

Must be the telephone.

Hello, Steve here.

Communication centre calling message for you.

Report ASP, room 6, urgent.

ASP, my goodness me. I'll be there.

Communication centre, unwanted.

What about the party?

You'd rather not?

Oh, I would. I might spot them there. He'll be there, the guy on one hand, the

cure on the other, and flourishing a copy of the Aero Modeler, no doubt.

Well, you'll drop me off and then take the car on, eh? All right.

Major Carson, make yourself at home and feel free to take off that raincoat.

He can't do that.

She should be here by now.

Ivinko, the clothes brush.

And Josef, another box of cigars. Hurry, the colonel is nearly drunk.

Mrs. Birch has arrived.

Great Scott!

Steed is with her.

Nicole Webster.

Your liqueur, my dear. Thank you, darling.

Oh, I just love the Cotswolds at this time of year.

Beautiful. Excuse me. Oh, Mrs. Peel. So happy you could come.

That's nice.

You're not smoking it.

I haven't seen Steve anywhere.

Oh, he'll be around shortly.

I wonder, would you please excuse me the cultural attaché?

Aren't you ready yet?

I can't move any faster.

Here.

From Fogel, in case of trouble.

Are you expecting any? I haven't for a bit. Don't play games.

Yes. It is very good. It's perfect.

The carnation! I know!

All right.

Steve has arrived.

Oh?

Made it, after all.

What's this?

Why, it's a champagne on the label.

Overchilled, as usual.

Mm -hmm.

You don't seem very glad to see me.

Of course I am, Steve.

Great Scott.

What's the matter?

The carnation. Try this.

Your warmth has improved it, Mrs. P.

What was the call about?

Just a final screening.

Oh, by the way, will Fyre be all right on Saturday?

Steve, someone is dying to meet you. A thousand pardons.

Back in a few moments.

What's wrong?

All this green stuff and silver paper.

Steed would never wear this.

I don't know. I rather like it.

You fool.

Why don't you put a stick of celery in there as well?

Let me trim this foliage for you, darling.

Any time, Ducky.

By the way, who is Fido? She asked me about Fido.

Rodney, who is Fido?

Fido, Fido.

Don't you know?

Fido.

Quick. She is waiting for Steed. Fido.

Yes, I got it. Yes, it's a vintage motor car. Yes, yes. Shut up. I hope you got

it right this time.

Well, come on now. Let's circulate.

Now, where were we?

I was asking about Fido.

Oh, yes. She needed an oil change, but she'd be ready for the Onyx Club

Good.

Will you hang on to this for a moment?

Hello, Major. This is Mrs. Peel.

Major?

Major?

As you were, Mrs. Peel.

It's part of me, gentlemen.

Seems a shame, but what shall we do?

Dispatcher? No.

As our colonel would say, a hostage in the hand is worth two in the tomb.

Here we go.

I was just coming to look for you.

Lucky man.

How I envy you. At this time of year, too. Oh, the blossom will be on the

The smell of the pine forest.

Your ticket.

Ticket? You're going home, Ivenko.

Butler, I'm very sorry for... It's all forgotten.

Happy journey.

Hello, Mr. Steed. Who's that?

Ivenko. Sergei Ivenko. I must have asylum.

I need protection.

If the government will help me, I have information.

Much information.

I also know the identity of Seth.

Seth?

Where can I meet you? Can you meet me here, in the embassy grounds?

In about half an hour.

All ready for broiling? Would you mind?

I'll need a knife.

They often have one on a desk.

What happened?

I was right. They had found a double. They were hoping to get him into the

conference. But they tried him out on me first and I spotted him.

How?

Well, I know you.

Do you?

Come on.

Well, come on.

You see?

Perfect.

Webster.

Gordon Webster.

It was such a bad rehearsal yesterday.

The Colonel requested a final one.

And I wasn't fooled for a minute.

Weren't you?

Here.

A map of London.

Steed's apartment.

Duplicate key.

And... It will be necessary to deal with Major Carson as well.

Any order, President?

Just do it. You will take Steed's pass and also his briefcase. You will then

proceed to the Ministry building.

Here.

The conference room is on the third floor. Once inside, you should be able

move about quite freely.

Take as many photographs as you can.

Simple. I set up my tripod, my reflex, my flash equipment.

It's a miniature camera.

Oh.

Crafty.

Chic. You've worn it many times.

It was a gift from Mrs. Pill.

Very considerate of the little lady.

Right. Any questions?

How do I get into Steve's apartment?

Well, there will be a car at your disposal. Then you will drive... Yes,

it? Well, wouldn't it be wise for someone...

in authority to accompany Webster.

Oh, my dear fellow, don't think I don't have immense faith in you. Immense. It's

just that I don't trust you.

I think it is an excellent suggestion, Ambassador.

Yes. You see, an assignment like this could be very dangerous.

It requires a man of tact, you know, initiative, courage, someone able to

fast, in an emergency.

By the way, you please note that this suggestion for the record was my idea.

Oh, no.

Not me.

No, I would be no good at all. You see, I am slow with it. Yes, my mother always

said to me, Sergei Udushenko, she said...

You're slow with it, as for tact and initiative. But you are a diplomat. But,

comrade... Very well, it is agreed, then. You will accompany Webster.

Yes, comrade.

Congratulations, comrade.

A chance to serve our glorious country.

And perhaps to die for it.

Come, we must report to the colonel.

Never mind, old sport.

I give you a hero's funeral.

Remarkable resemblance, don't you think?

Very good.

Your Adam's apple's a little larger, but I won't quibble. Vogel was right.

If I could fool you, I could fool anybody. And I did, didn't I? Be honest.

Admit it.

Christmas or birthday.

Or some special occasion.

Watch the birdie.

Devil is clever, these fine blokes.

Hope they don't torture her, eh, buddy?

Oh, no.

Not for the moment.

She's the Colonel's insurance.

Mr. Webster. Oh, don't come with that loyalty kick. There's no money in

patriotism.

Here's to our success, Rodney, and my return.

Hold it!

Are you mad?

Don't worry, that's the form abroad.

Come, it's time.

Don't worry about Steve, Ducky. I'll see he doesn't suffer.

Shall I phone you from Steve's department?

No, no, no. That won't be necessary.

No, we have our own method. Our ambassador will keep us informed.

Thank you, Squire.

Brodnitz.

Hello, Brodnitz.

Yes?

Yes?

You will remain in the car.

Yes, we are all tuned in.

Webster has just entered the apartment building. He should be at the door of

apartment in exactly 15 seconds from now.

We have what you might call a front row seat.

Joseph, turn up the sound. We don't want Mrs. Peel to miss anything.

He should be at T's apartment in about five seconds.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Has he?

He's in.

The conference is due to finish at 4 .30.

We have one hour to wait.

Mission completed.

They are on their way back.

What's all my idea, you know?

This will mean promotion for you, Admiral.

You really think so?

They'll probably give you the order of, well, you name it, you'll get it. Ah,

Webster. Ah.

Ah.

Photograph? Let's get rid of this first. The fan worked perfectly. The colonel,

I colonel, the colonel's a genius.

The type in, please.

I'll take that.

Ham.

worry sport.

The snaps came out a treat.

Well, I couldn't possibly hand them to anyone except for Colonel Bogie there.

But... Where we go then? All together, I always say, safety in numbers.

He's a bashful baby, isn't he? No sales, no film.

Here in England, you have a very quaint saying.

Two heads are better than one.

We prefer four.

We are all Sith.

Pudeskin, cipher expert.

Shvetlov, sabotage and elimination.

Eliana, finance and administration.

Fogel.

Planning and operations.

Your initials.

P -A -T -V.

Sure spells, sir. And now, Mr. Webster, the film.

Thank you.

We are ready, Barry. Good.

Keep moving, Mrs. Peel.

Your loyalties really are confused. I wouldn't say that.

Pity.

On your feet, Mr. Webster.

Steed. Oh, no.

I know Steed.

Look, we guessed that that quartet was Zev.

Well, the initials.

So Plessy and I set out to prove it.

That conference was a complete hoax, a bait.

The fact that you were fooled convinced them.

Have a look in that... Have a look in that briefcase.

Go on.

Now, whoever telephoned me got through on there. So Plessy and I decided to

a few recordings. We faked my death at my apartment.

And that glass in the fireplace, that was no accident.

Oh, no, you don't.

If you're not convinced, they certainly are.

Still not convinced?

Turn around.

I'm convinced.

She's out.

Can you reach Pappy?

I can try.

Here.

What's wrong?

Some kind of interference.

It's radio control. We're getting their frequency.

Well, if we're getting theirs, that plane could get ours. Watch it.

Hold that frequency. It works.

There's something wrong.

We're out of control.

Nicely timed, Mrs. Peel.

Changeable weather we're having.

I beg your pardon? Changeable. The weather.

I'm afraid you're making a mistake.

My name isn't Peel. So sorry.