Original subtitles

[♪ "Contrasting Strangers" by The Light playing]

[Abigail “Abby” Flores] I always knew how I wanted

my first sexual experience to play out.

I'd be effortlessly cool,

irresistible.

[Margaret Flores] Abby? Abby?

Abby, are you swinging alone in the dark?

[dog barking]

Can you take Mom's car to get some dessert?

The Cruz's are here in ten.

[♪ "Contrasting Strangers" resumes playing]

[Abby] I'd have all the right moves.

Shit. [grunts]

Number 71.

[Abby] And no matter how or where it happened,

it would be with him...

[inaudible]

...Max Warren.

With his piercing green eyes.

His killer smile.

Even his neck zit.

Ugh, relatable.

Our first interaction was like something out of a romance novel.

♪ Contrasting strangers ♪

Hi, I'm Abby.

I'm Max.

Well, goodbye.

I'm Mercedes. I'm your girlfriend.

[Abby] And when we were 12, he said the words that changed everything.

I guess... Abby.

[Abby] "I guess Abby."

He picked me and I picked him right back.

[server] Number 72.

Uh, one scoop of cherry ice cream.

Gummy worms on top. Double worms?

Oh, no, single serving, please.

Too many worms and I get a gummy-ache.

Every time I go to Harry's, we have the same conversation.

But this time was different.

How's it going?

Oh, it's chill.

I mean, a little weird recently, but...

Oh, no. Why... Why?

Uh... Mercedes and I, we broke up.

- [high-pitched ringing] - [distorted] We broke up. We broke up.

[echoing] We broke up. We broke up.

We broke up.

♪ Yes, I know he's the one ♪

♪ The one my heart has won... ♪

Please welcome for the first time as people in a marriage,

Mr. and Mrs. Warren.

[bystanders cheering]

♪ You know it's been so long ♪

♪ My heart is waiting here ♪

I wanna be with you for, like, forever and shit.

Oh, Max, I... I wanna kiss you for the rest of my life.

God, I hope you practiced on your hand.

[Abby] Oh, I have.

I really have.

♪ Each night I pray for you ♪

♪ Before I... ♪

[realtor] Sign here for your house mortgage.

♪ I pray the God above ♪

- ♪ Will keep you safe for me ♪ - [crowd cheering]

- ♪ Yes, I know... ♪ - [nurse] It's a girl.

Congratulations.

What should we name her?

Mercedes?

That's fucked up.

♪ ...my heart has won ♪

♪ Your love-- ♪

Number 73.

- [crickets chirping] - [people chattering]

Number 73.

Sorry about you and Mercedes.

Oh, it's cool.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, can I also get a couple pints of...

- "How's it going?" - Oh! The other side.

Two pints coming right up, Cherry Worms.

[♪ slow, classical music playing]

[♪ music warbles and stops]

[Abby] Somewhere between Cherry Worms and my driveway, reality hit.

Even with Max being newly single,

why would he ever choose me?

In my sexual fantasy, we never did anything

because I've never done anything.

I just needed a step in the right direction.

- [♪ "French Girl" by AXS Music playing] - Shit.

- I go to St. Bernadette's. - [car horn honks]

- [tires screech] - [driver] Move!

[Abby] A private, Catholic rich-kid school

where stuff like this is normal.

[group grunting]

[♪ "French Girl" continues playing]

[students chattering]

[student] Don't cry, Mercedes.

[voice breaking] I thought Max was the one.

We were supposed to get married

and have a baby and a house mortgage.

[Mercedes crying]

It's not fair. I'm pretty.

[♪ "French Girl" continues]

[Abby] At St. Bernadette's,

every kid is named after an apostle or a luxury brand.

[teacher] Luke?

Paul?

Tiffany?

Chanel? Max?

[Abby] Max was different.

If I wanted him, I had to think outside the box.

[student] Psst!

[teacher] Gucci?

Matthew?

Hey. Pass it to Dior.

[teacher] Dolce? John?

[♪ "French Girl" continues]

[Abby] At my school if you wanted answers to life's questions,

most pray to a bearded ghost-gentleman.

I turn to a much more reliable source of information.

Our school mascot, the St. Bernard, AKA Bernie.

People often forget there's a person under all that costume.

So he hears it all.

[Bernie] So, you wanna get with Max now that he's single.

Tell me what you know.

This wasn't the first time I used the mascot

for Max-related knowledge.

Max Warren. Tell me what you know.

[7-year-old Bernie] His Mom works at Bank of America.

His Uncle, missing.

No one's seen him since Lent.

His Uncle gave up soda and then he was gone.

Do you think I have a chance?

[7-year-old Bernie] No.

[♪ "French Girl" continues playing]

- [player] Heads up! - [ball thumps]

I heard Mercedes might be moving.

[Junior Bernie] She was, but then Max convinced her father

that St. Bernadette's would provide a more faith-forward upbringing.

Goddammit.

- [player] Heads up! - [ball thumps]

I need to know how I can get with Max before we graduate

and potentially never see each other again.

[players chattering]

He's all I've ever wanted, I'll do whatever it takes.

[Bernie] And what is in it for moi?

Um, I'm off sugar. [quietly] I'm on Mounjaro.

- Uh, I'll pay you money. - [Bernie] Twenty dollars.

- Deal. - [Bernie] Okay.

- Locker room talk. What is he into? - [cash register dings]

Makin' out or-- or kissing or swappin' spit...

[Bernie] [scoffs] Max loves to 69.

[cheerleaders chanting]

Huh?

[Bernie] Ask anyone, Max is obsessed with six to the nine.

[chuckles] That's all he ever talks about with the boys.

Definitely his favorite sexual position.

But if kissing is more of your speed--

Oh, no, no. I've... [scoffs] I...

I've had my day in the bedroom department.

I did assume he'd be slightly more advanced

in the bedroom department.

I mean, he's been with Mercedes for years.

That's a lot of time in the... bedroom department.

[Bernie] Girl, you gotta stop calling it that.

Look, you don't need to 69 Max,

but if you decide to 69 Max, you're his ho fo sho.

I 69 Max...

I'm his ho fo sho.

[Bernie] Yeah, don't-- don't say that either.

[Abby] That was the moment I knew

I was going to do whatever it took to get him.

I was going to 69 Max Warren.

Sexually.

[♪ upbeat marching band music playing]

[♪ marching band music continues]

[♪ "69" by Todrick Hall playing]

- ♪ When I walk in the room ♪ - ♪ What you do? ♪

♪ I shut that motherfucker down, down, down ♪

- ♪ And when I bust out a move ♪ - ♪ Bust ♪

♪ They motherfuckin' jaws hit the ground, ground, ground ♪

- ♪ I ain't got nothin' to prove ♪ - ♪ No ♪

♪ They see me on the news in my home town, town, town ♪

♪ They couldn't keep a good girl down ♪

♪ Bitch, look at me now, now, now ♪

- ♪ I went from zero ♪ - ♪ Zero ♪

- ♪ To sixty-nine ♪ - ♪ Sixty-nine ♪

♪ Sixty-nine ♪

- ♪ When I walk in the club ♪ - ♪ What you do? ♪

♪ I get them heads spinnin' round, round, round ♪

- ♪ I know they lookin' at us ♪ - ♪ Us ♪

♪ Me and my girls we the talk of the town, town, town ♪

- ♪ I'm feelin' so scandalous ♪ - ♪ Scandalous ♪

♪ Everybody servin' booty and a leg, leg, leg ♪

♪ The old me is dead, dead, dead ♪

♪ You ain't seen nothin' yet, yet, yet ♪

- ♪ I went from zero ♪ - ♪ Zero ♪

♪ To sixty-nine ♪

♪ Mind your business, I'll mind mine ♪

♪ Got six-inch heels to strut ♪

♪ Nine inches to... ♪

♪ I'll sixty-nine ♪

♪ Sixty-nine ♪

- ♪ Sixty-nine ♪ - ♪ Sixty-nine ♪

♪ Sixty-nine ♪

- ♪ Sixty-nine ♪ - ♪ Sixty-nine ♪

♪ Yeah, they call it a runway but a bitch never run ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm one in a million I make millions just for one ♪

- [player] Heads up! - Hey, Max--

- ♪ Sixty-nine ♪ - ♪ Sixty-nine ♪

♪ Sixty-nine ♪

- ♪ Sixty-nine ♪ - ♪ Sixty-nine ♪

♪ Sixty-nine ♪

- ♪ Sixty-nine ♪ - ♪ Sixty-nine ♪

[♪ song ends]

She lives.

Someone took a stroll onto an active soccer field.

What's that about?

Sometimes when I get anxious, I nervous hallucinate.

Oh, yeah, I've been there.

I used to hallucinate all the time when I was your age.

But that's because I was on an ungodly amount of LSD.

Okay.

Off you go, my dear.

[chuckles]

I'll get to you in a minute.

Jesus.

[♪ mellow music playing]

[skinny dweeb] So I've been thinking on it.

What should we do for your birthday?

[goofy dweeb] My dad said he wanted to hire a hooker for it.

Messed up, man.

Your first time is about intimacy, connection.

Me and Chloe, forget it.

- I wept after. - Hm.

The one time I performed oral sex, I was so emotional.

I haven't cried like that since The Whale.

[Abby] It was official, every person on earth

was more sexually experienced than me.

I needed guidance.

And that's when I saw where to get it.

[♪ "I Got the Work" by Mega. and Cat Gloss playing in club]

♪ Look at my tag, look at my bags... ♪

[Abby] I had no idea what was about to happen

or how it would change my whole world,

but it did.

♪ I got the work, I got the work ♪

♪ I got the work for days ♪

♪ I got the work... ♪

Alright, boys, show some love to Rhinestone who works two jobs.

She's runnin' on fumes.

She's runnin' out of gas,

- but still showin' ass. - [patrons clapping]

Guys, if you're a creep, you're gonna get bounced.

A reminder.

- [♪ hip-hop music playing] - [patrons chattering]

Ladies and gentlemen, comin' to the stage,

a Diamond Doll's favorite.

She is the muse of Syracuse.

It's about to get erotica,

give it up for Santa Monica.

[patrons cheering and whooping]

[♪ "Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]

[cheering continues]

Santa Monica! I'm your number one fan!

[♪ "Boys Wanna Be Her" continues playing]

[cheering continues]

♪ You've got them all by the balls ♪

♪ Causin' waterfalls, stone walls, bar brawls ♪

♪ Common stalls that cause 'em all ♪

♪ To you, they crawl, body sprawl ♪

♪ Smokin' Pall Malls, close call, stand tall ♪

♪ Doll, you make 'em feel so small... ♪

[Abby] The first time you see someone that comfortable in their own skin,

it's almost jarring.

Every part of me felt alive, like I was on fire.

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ The girls wanna be her ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ The girls wanna be her ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ I wanna be her ♪

♪ Yes, I do ♪

♪

♪ Listen up, listen up, listen up ♪

♪ Voices scatter, listen up... ♪

[Abby] And there she was.

The answer to all my problems.

I found my sexual fairy godmother

in a strip club.

- ♪ Voices scatter ♪ - ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

- ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ - ♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

- ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ - ♪ Scatter ♪

- ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪ - Whoo!

- ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ - ♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

- Yeah! - ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪

- ♪ Scatter ♪ - ♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

- ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ - ♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

- ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ - ♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

- ♪ The girls wanna be her ♪ - ♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ Scatter ♪

[patrons cheering]

♪ Scatter ♪

- ♪ Scatter ♪ - Whoo!

- ♪ Scatter ♪ - You 18?

- [crickets chirping] - [♪ muffled music thumping]

Come on, I'm gonna be 18 in like 15 minutes.

See you in 15.

[Abby groans]

[traffic rushing by]

[♪ muffled music continues]

[crickets chirping]

[sports announcer on radio] There's two on, two out...

- [grease sizzling] - [kitchen tools clanking]

[announcer on radio] ...has two outs.

Running the way he's going, where's the pitch...

[cook] What the fuck, mama? Don't eat the food.

[DJ Don] Let's hear it for Santa Monica!

[DJ Don continues speaking indistinctly]

What do you mean it could be?

It's nail polish.

But it could be lip gloss.

Look.

- Oh, no, that's burning. That's burning. - [Destiny] Oh, my God.

Just worked my off for 82 bucks and a stick of gum.

Oh, babe, your phone's been vibrating all night.

- Mm-hmm. - I almost sat on it.

[Destiny] Yeah, it's been blowing up. Who is he?

It's this lame-ass thread for my high school reunion.

Ugh. Shut the fuck up, losers.

Oh, my God, I hope you didn't text that.

[Angel] Oh, my God, wait, that's so fun.

A high school reunion.

What are you gonna wear? Who are you gonna do?

- [Santa Monica] Yeah, I'm not going. - [Angel] What?

Seriously, what do I have to show for myself in the last 10 years?

Babe, so much gum.

[Santa Monica] Oh, careful, that is so wet.

So warm.

- You know... - It's like pre-chewed.

...I didn't go to my high school reunion,

but it would've been weird if I did 'cause I didn't go to high school.

And yet you're the smartest woman I know.

Oh, my God, you gotta go out there and meet other bitches.

- [Angel] You do. - You really do.

- [light bulb sizzling] - Oh, goddamn it!

- [Angel laughing] - Seriously? No!

[Destiny] I thought I had another week on that bulb.

No you didn't, bitch. A bet's a bet, pay up.

[Destiny] Do you know how hard I worked for this?

Slammed my pussy up and down.

I said, "Bow, bow, bow, bow."

And I got $40.

- Whoa! - It was worth the vulva bruises.

- Thanks, babe. - It's not bruised.

- I'm tough. - Oh yeah. That's a good one.

- Crispy! [chuckles] - [Santa Monica sighs]

God, you guys, this place is falling apart.

Seriously, it looks like we don't give a shit.

How long has that hole been there?

Excuse me?

She has a name.

Honestly, I'm surprised we didn't get shut down when that guy had a seizure.

Ned? No, babe, Ned's fine.

[Destiny] Yeah, he's fine.

Yeah, on this stretcher he was like,

"Best night of my life. Destiny!"

Yeah, he spends his disability check on me every week.

[Destiny] Ned's fine, he's absolutely fine.

I gave a guy a seizure once.

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

Betty, you scared the shit out of us!

That's how I got my name.

You know, when I was your age I was Betty Wetty,

because I made all the fellas soak their pants.

- [Angel chuckles] - And then one day, I got hired to strip

for the infamous Tony Scarpuccio.

[gasps] The guy from The Sopranos?

Better. He owns Little Tony's Meatballs downtown.

Oh, that is better.

Anyway, Tony was going to town on some spaghetti

when I was doin' my routine.

And I went down to the ground

and I split my underpants right down the middle.

I mean, bean to tangerine.

And right at that moment, he seized.

And ever since then I've been Betty Spaghetti.

How is this the first time

- we're hearing this story? - Yeah?

Oh, shit. I should have started with this first.

It's why I came in here.

Okay, well, I'm deeply, deeply, deeply in debt

and we're losin' the club.

- [all] What? - [Betty Spaghetti] I'm sorry, tootsies.

I'm one of the best strippers in the world,

but I am terrible at math.

Did you know that businesses

are supposed to file their taxes every year?

- Yes. - Yes.

Yeah.

Well, fuck me.

Oh, my God, we can't lose the club!

I tried takin' out a loan, but unless I pay it by next weekend...

[Angel] Wait, what?

What'll happen?

She'll lose the club.

She'll lose the club?

Are you even listening?

[scoffs] Right?

Anyhoo, I just wanted to tell you guys

so you could start lookin' for a place to shake what the Lord gave ya.

And... and I give you my blessing.

What? No, no, we can't just give up.

Destiny, when your job didn't give you health insurance, who did?

- Diamond Dolls. - Angel.

When your stepdad kicked you out, where did you go?

Diamond Dolls.

Where do we spend every Thanksgiving?

Diamond-goddamn-Dolls.

Guys, this is our Cheers.

Where everybody knows your nips.

How much?

Me?

My ears are for shit, you gotta talk louder.

How much is the loan, Betty?

- Oh, twenty grand. - Twenty grand? Fuck.

One week?

We c-- we can do that, right?

Uh, we could try OnlyFans.

No, I'm banned, dammit.

I'm banned from Facebook.

I don't even wanna ask about that.

It was bad.

Look, book me on any house calls and I'll work overtime.

I mean, there's gotta be a way to bring in the money, right?

[DJ Don] Please welcome the dish you cannot resist,

Betty Spaghetti.

Well, we need a miracle.

But luckily, I'm surrounded by angels.

[♪ music thumping in distance]

- [door opens] - [patrons cheering]

I mean, there's gotta be some rich freak who will pay for my time, right?

Who will be the lucky guy?

[cheering continues]

- [video game character] Horse guts! - [horse neighing, grunts]

[Abby] Alright, let me take some comments here.

Uh, Brainsbrainsbrains says, "Hi, Abby-Cadaver, huge fan."

Thank you.

"Heard there was a secret room in Wyatt's Saloon?"

- [♪ spooky music plays on game] - Yes. If you go up the staircase,

locate the pregnant saloon girl zombie...

There she is.

...rip out her fetus.

- [character growls] - [indistinct chatter on game]

...lasso the umbilical cord around the chandelier,

swing, and you're in.

[cash register dinging]

[chuckles] Okay, I'm signing off for now.

Thank you so much for subscribing.

I'm so grateful for the tips.

So, until tomorrow, good-die.

[key clacks]

Whew.

[key clacks]

- Honey, we're about to leave. - [knock on door]

Are you sure you don't wanna spend your birthday with us?

Moving my grandma into a home?

- Pass. - Okay, okay.

Well, happy early birthday.

- ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - Oh, awesome! Thanks.

Now this doesn't mean you should spend your whole birthday on Glitch.

There's some more at the bottom.

Huh.

- [chuckles] Yeah. - I know it's not a car,

but we're very proud of you for working so hard

to save up for one on your own.

Thanks, Dad.

Until then, Mom's Volvo has a full tank.

No, I should just take your car.

Absolutely not.

Oh, and Abby, don't be mad, but I asked the Cruz's daughter Lily Rose

to stop by at some point.

She's been helping me in my CPR class.

Just try. Maybe you'll make a friend.

- Lyft's leaving, hon. - [Margaret] We'll miss you.

Have fun.

You're still young, throw a party.

But don't forget to put away Lola's china.

She's had that since the war.

[Ron Flores] Margaret, she's not throwing a party.

Be nice to Lily Rose.

Love you.

Ingat.

Now, be careful, do not answer this door.

- Whatever-- Stranger danger. - Okay, okay. Bye, kiddo.

[Margaret] Oh, I'm gonna cry in the Lyft.

[sighs deeply]

Operation 69 Max, commence.

[line ringing]

[♪ mischievous music playing]

- [telephone rings] - [coughs]

[coughing, wheezing over phone]

Diamond Dolls, where the girls are...

I dunno. I can't remember.

[in deep voice] Hello. I am a guy.

Obviously.

[over phone] Looking for a dancer named Santa Monica

to come to my home this evening

for a respectful dance.

- [quietly] Jesus. - [Abby] Is eight o'clock sharp okay?

[loud rustling over phone]

Okay, so it's cash only,

and it's a hundred an hour, three hours minimum.

That's about five hundred, I think.

And you better tip 'em.

Not an issue.

I, uh... work in bonds.

And I sell Jet Skis.

Oh, fancy, okay.

What's your address, big shot?

[quietly] Yes!

[over phone] Write this down, babe.

- 402... - Yeah.

...Berry Avenue.

That's A-V--

Yeah, I know how to spell "avenue."

Alexi, play "sexy-time" songs.

- [Alexi] Now playing Taxi theme song. - [♪ "Taxi" theme playing]

No, Alexi, play...

[♪ music continues]

[♪ music crescendos]

♪

[keypad beeping]

[♪ "Taxi" theme continues playing]

[crickets chirping]

♪

[fire crackling sound]

♪

[knock on door]

[sing-song] ♪ Hello? ♪

Is anybody home?

[♪ music continues softly playing]

And horny?

[sing-song] ♪ Yoo-hoo ♪

Is anybody home?

Ooh. Well, well, well,

What do we have here?

Ooh, a little shy guy.

Naughty, naughty.

Would it have killed you to meet me at the door?

[gasps]

[screams] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, he's dead.

- Truffle almond? - [screaming]

- [spraying] - [screaming]

[water running]

[winces]

Talk.

Oh, um, th-- there's this guy Max

and he's always been with this girl Mercedes--

Shorter version.

I love Max. He's finally single.

Okay, where am I in the story?

Why am I in a basic-ass kitchen?

I want to pay you to teach me how to 69 Max.

Okay, slightly more details?

Last night I saw you at Diamond Dolls

and you were dancing and you lit up the room.

Okay, go on.

I've never seen anything like it.

You literally owned every guy in there.

Uh, I've never even remotely had what you have.

Well, this I buy. [sniffing]

[Abby] So, I figured

if I could get you to be my coach, teach me things,

then I'd get what I have always wanted.

Max.

Okay. Um, I'll coach you right now.

That speech was boring, weird, and also boring.

You don't have enough money to pay me to listen to more of them.

So, I will take my payment, plus tip,

and if you're selling any of those, like, chocolate bars

for your high school, I'll take one of those.

[Abby] I'm not selling chocolate bars.

Aren't you little shits always selling chocolate bars?

It's a common misconception.

- Ugh. - I'm-- I'm telling you I need your help.

[Santa Monica] Don't you have, like, a sister or a girlfriend or something?

Ask her. Not some hot stripper you catfished.

No, I don't have someone. I...

One week, that's all I need.

I can pay you.

In What? Pez dispensers? I'm good.

I mean, I have $5,000 right here.

I'm telling you I'm rich.

[♪ intriguing piano music playing]

Holy shit, you are.

What, do you have like a lemonade stand chain?

People pay to watch me play games on Glitch.

I'm like really good at it.

Oh, cool. Where the fuck are your parents?

Out of town for the week.

[sighs]

Come on, name your price.

I'm telling you, I'm rich.

Twenty thousand dollars.

[chuckles awkwardly] What?

I'll do it for 20,000.

A week with me

and I'll teach you everything you need to know

to pull off a facade of confidence.

I'd rather it not be a facade.

Five thousand dollars is the deposit and the rest by Saturday

and you've got yourself a little sex coach.

Can you please stop thrusting your crotch?

What, you don't like a little sex coach?

[Abby] I had to think fast.

Spend every dime I had getting with Max or get my dream car. Uh...

Ah, fuck it.

Let's do it.

Oh, I thought I said that out loud.

Let's do it.

- [♪ electronic music playing] - [patrons whooping and chattering]

[bald man] Santa Monica.

Treat your number one fan to a lap dance, will you?

Oh, how'd you know I charge 10 bucks for an ass pinch, perv?

[♪ electronic music continues]

[Destiny] Santi?

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute. - Baby, wait. What are you doing?

Uh-uh-uh-uh. What are you doing here? You don't work today.

- Oh, shit going down. - [Angel] Uh-huh.

- Shit-- Go, go, go. - We're coming.

- On the way. - But not too fast.

What's that, Santi?

Five thousand dollars plus a sweaty 10.

I think I can make you enough money to save the club in time.

If I got you the 20 grand,

would you consider letting me co-own Diamond Dolls?

- [♪ muffled music playing] - [patrons chattering]

Baby... I can't keep running this show.

You can have the whole thing.

As long as I can still hang around

and shake my bra biscuits for another 60 years.

Wait, you wanna be a stripper at 110?

I told ya I'm not good with math.

We got a deal?

It's a deal.

Now quit smoking in my office.

Ha-ha! Thattagirl.

- [all screaming] - [feet stomping]

[Abby snoring]

[car horn honking]

[softly] What?

[honking continues]

[loud honking]

[♪ gentle music playing]

Do you wanna come in? Or...

[horn blares]

Okay.

[slurping]

[bird cawing]

- Cool car. - It's a piece of shit.

Totally.

How'd you sleep?

Alright, rule number one,

no small talk.

You say something interesting or nothing at all.

- [bird cawing] - [slurping]

Did you know worms are the only animals that 69?

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

Alright, rule number two, we stick to the lessons.

Everything we discuss will be a lesson.

There's no, like, "hanging out"

because you've hired me to teach you.

And teachers don't hang out with their students

unless they're fucking, which we're not. [slurping]

I'm sorry, I didn't know what time we were starting today.

I forgot to brush my teeth.

[Santa Monica] Rule number three,

I get my payment of $20,000 by Saturday.

Happy to be in business with you.

Oh, my God, that breath isn't.

- Did you like eat a poo for dinner? - [Abby] No.

Alright, lesson one, get out.

Hey, you're going for a walk.

[♪ funky upbeat music playing]

I don't hear you.

How is this supposed to help me get with Max?

We're building your confidence.

- Ahh! - Jesus. Are your ankles drunk?

Did you have a piña colada while you ate shit for dinner?

Come on. I have never worn heels before.

Alright, now come on! Let's hear it.

Are you saying it? 'Cause I can't hear you.

I am a s-sex machine.

What, you think you're a sex machine?

[scoffs] I don't think so.

I am a-- a sex machine.

No, let's hear it. Who are you?

I am a sex machine.

Don't tell me, tell Max.

♪

[breathes deeply]

[shouting] I am a sex machine!

Yes, bitch, there she is!

There she is.

Now Tell Max what you do.

I am a machine that gives you sex.

[Santa Monica] Okay, what else?

Uh, I was made in a horny lab

by dirty scientists.

They all got so turned on they started kissing each other.

And you made it weird.

Coffee break.

- [tires screeching] - Oh, there's a really great spot...

Alright, lesson two.

We're gonna assess your knowledge.

So, let's start with what you know.

Okay, well, I know about hand jobs and blow jobs.

I've heard of rim jobs.

I'm-- I think I can guess what those are though.

Oh, cool.

I'm dying to know what you think a rim job is.

Is it when a guy puts his hands on the rim of your boobs

and goes "e-ooh-e-ooh"?

So we're starting at zero.

Correct.

I mean, have you ever watched porn?

...ography?

Alright, that's a no.

What about a sexy movie?

[Abby] Oh, yeah, I've seen like a ton of romantic movies,

but they always cut away before they get to the 69.

Okay.

Although, I do know what a...

[whispering] uh, penis

[normal] feels like.

[softly] Penis?

[softly] Penis.

Why are you afraid to say penis?

No one is home.

- Okay. - Penis.

Penis.

[both chuckle]

How have you felt a penis?

Someone told me that if you put your finger

on your eyelid, it feels like a penis.

Yeah, like, go like this and then you...

Huh.

Wait, it does actually.

- Not no. - Right?

[Santa Monica] Yeah.

Okay, one point for Griffindork.

Okay, you don't have to jerk it off.

Oh, sorry.

So, you're doing all this for some guy?

Not that I'm complaining, but, like, why this guy?

- What do you mean? - Like, why is he the one?

I mean, a million reasons.

Um, he's Max Warren.

He's super hot and he, like, he plays soccer.

Oh, and he has such great hair.

You're spending $20,000 to get with a guy

because his hair is good?

Did you have a crush when you were my age?

Jean-Paul Giordano.

Hmm. What did you know about him?

He was obsessed with Disney World

and his brother drowned in a pool.

[Abby] Jesus.

[Santa Monica] Alright, homework.

Deep dive Max's Instagram. Find out more about him.

- [car engine starts] - Okay.

[Abby] Thanks for the day.

- When am I gonna see you again? - [tires screeching]

She's gone.

[♪ soft music playing]

[sighs]

I am a sex machine.

Eh...

[cell phone chimes]

[♪ soft music continues]

[screenshot clicks]

Hey, y'all, I just wanted to thank

the Syracuse Police Department for finding my Uncle Frank.

They say cold cases stay cold, but not in New York, right, Mom?

Bye, y'all.

[♪ soft music continues]

[sighs]

Oh.

[scoffs]

Come on.

Just-- [sighs] Forget it.

I'll just think about it.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

- Hey. - Hey.

[people chattering]

[Rick Richards] Listen. Betty, you'd be making a huge mistake.

Diamond Dolls is gonna go under.

Now, look, if-- if you give the club to me,

your legacy, it gets to go on.

I just don't know why you're not saying yes.

Are you on your period?

- What the hell? - Hola. Rick Richards.

Yeah, a name so nice, your folks named you Dickhead twice.

[laughing]

Well, two Dicks are better than one.

I'm sure you'd agree.

Uh, wait a second.

Santa Monica, right?

Oh, my God. I almost didn't recognize you.

It has been years since you auditioned for me.

You've... really aged.

Yeah, I remember you.

I was 18 and you asked me to audition without my underpants.

Well, only a sucker buys a used car without looking under the hood.

And by used car, I mean stripper,

and looking under the hood, I mean looking at your vagina.

- [Santa Monica] Yeah, I-- we got it. - [Rick] Okay.

- Just for clarity. - [Santa Monica] Mm-hmm.

I like to check the slits.

Okay, what is this shit-slime doing here?

Well, The Old Spaghetti Factory over here owes me some dinero.

What? Betty! I thought you owed the bank.

Sorry, doll. They couldn't help me, okay?

[Rick] Yeah, it's a shame.

And if she can't pay, I'll be your new boss.

Although we might have to lose some of the uglies.

You know which ones I'm talking about.

But don't worry, I'm a great boss.

I have a very hands-on approach.

So if anyone's taking over this establishment,

it should be someone who knows how to run a club.

Wouldn't you agree?

Someone who knows how to work the girls.

Someone with a college education, comprende?

What's with the Spanish?

Trying to learn a new language every week.

My little girl got me Duolingo for my birthday.

You have a daughter?

No, I'm talking about my bitch.

Listen, I'm taking over the club

so you can hasta la vista, baby.

I'll have your money next week.

I don't know what you said.

I haven't gotten that far in the course, but I will tell you this.

If you don't have the money,

if, uh, Santa Monica should be washed away

by a tidal wave of El Niño.

Then you have my card, Betty.

And I'll be back next weekend to collect the keys.

Talk then, Spaghettio.

Oh, and, uh...

when I do take over, I am gonna need to see you audition again,

but no costume this time.

Capiche?

That's Italian.

Nah-uh.

[Santa Monica] Yeah-huh, look it up.

Whatever.

Duolingo has over 40 language courses.

Duolin-go fuck yourself.

Oh, nice mouth on this one, Betty.

What the hell, Betty?!

Rick Richards?

He can't take over Diamond Dolls, he can't!

I don't want him to, honey.

But if you can't raise that money by next weekend,

we are fucked.

I'll get you the money.

- [school bell ringing] - [students chattering]

[♪ "Good Enough for Me" by Bea Parks, Jake Lake, and Oli Charles playing]

♪ I'm in rainbows ♪

♪ Ridin' my scout ♪

♪ Behind my leather ♪

♪ And hammer down... ♪

Oh, shit.

Oh. Abby dear. Yoo-hoo!

Mommy's here to pick you up.

♪ You'll find us all downtown ♪

[students murmuring]

- Come on. - What are you doing here?

We gotta get moving on the plan. Come on.

No time to waste.

Get in the car. Here we go.

♪ Good enough for me ♪

Mm. I love a man in uniform.

[students] Oh!

[students giggling]

Uh, why couldn't this wait until after I got home?

Oh, God.

Principal Morris is staring at me like I just joined a sex cult.

Oh, my God, ew.

I can't believe he still works here. [laughs]

Wait, when I was a senior,

he used to do this like disgusting eye trick

where he'd use one eye to look at your chest.

[laughing] So gross. I tried to get the perv fired.

You know he has a glass eye, right?

Uh-huh.

Totally.

Sad.

- Oh, shit, duck! - [heads thud]

- [groans] - Ow! Oh, my God.

Dude, I just got filler.

[Abby] Okay, who are we hiding from?

[Santa Monica] Robin Goode.

She thinks she's better than everyone else.

She's in charge of our class reunion.

Of course she is. Look at her in her fuckin' little business lady suit.

Nice camel-toe, Ann Taylor Loft.

Oh, cool, you don't show cleavage in your suit.

[fake laughs] How professional.

Oh... Oh, okay, she's gone.

She's gone.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, obviously. Duh.

Are you gonna go to the reunion?

Oh, my God, what did I say about small talk?

Now, let's begin your next lesson.

Oh, God, I really don't wanna wear that.

You aren't. Okay.

Most guys don't know your clitter from your shitter.

So, in order to really enjoy your first sexual experience,

you have to be good at giving direction.

Any questions?

[Abby] Uh...

You can't be serious.

Right?

- [tires screeching] - No, no, no, no, no, no.

No! Oh! Jesus!

Turn left, turn left, left.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

[screaming] Oh my God!

Um, uh, slight left.

- Just-- just stop it! Oh no! - [tires screeching]

Oh, Jesus.

What?

[overlapping shouting]

- [engine revving, tires screeching] - [people screaming]

- Left! Left! [screaming] - [raucously laughing]

Tell me what to do!

- Use your words. - [shouting] Right!

Right!

- [car horn blaring] - [Abby screaming]

[tires screeching]

♪ Because it's great ♪

♪ Great for me to sing ♪

[Abby screaming]

[Abby] Okay, stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

[tires screech]

Oh, God.

♪ Good enough for me ♪

Oh, fuck. Now it looks like I’m making fun of him. [chuckles]

Go, go!

[tires screeching]

♪

Stop!

[brakes squealing]

- You did it. - [screams]

You did it! We're here!

- Oh, my God, we made it! - Holy shit!

- [Abby laughs] - I got scared for a second.

You got scared?

I had to see all that, I thought I was gonna die.

[car thuds]

I didn't put it in park.

- [clicks tongue] - Right.

♪ Good enough for me ♪

- [sighs] - Should we leave a note?

What did I say about small talk?

[door bell chimes]

[♪ "Heart of Stone" by Brian Wade and Oswin John Falquero plays in store]

♪ Heart of stone ♪

Oh, hi.

♪ I'm on my own ♪

Let me know if you need any...

thing.

♪ Since you've gone... ♪

[Abby] It was like kink Disneyland.

- But all the rides vibrated more. - [cell phone chimes]

[Santa Monica] "Everybody wants a German to ride."

Ew.

"Powerful as a BMW, eco as a Prius."

It's crazy, everything has like handles now.

[laughs]

Hmm.

Next lesson.

You have to be comfortable in your own body

before you lay on someone else's, right?

I mean, 69-ing is like specifically meant for dual pleasure.

I mean, when I was your age,

I thought the more the guy got off, the better the sex was.

You know, I was just chugging dick after dick after di--

Yeah, I didn't feel anything.

I was just faking orgasm after orgasm,

just lying on my back.

Just like a little songbird, like...

[Santa Monica squawking]

You know? It sucked.

And I blew out my vocal chords.

But, you know, it's actually the opposite.

Turns out the more I got off, the better the sex was.

So, you gotta figure out what turns you on.

Like, for me, it's choking, but I have trauma.

Maybe you pick something

and I'll go die of embarrassment in the car.

Hey, a vibrator is a window to your soul.

Isn't that, like, stitched on a pillow in your house somewhere?

Live, love, cum?

Haven't you ever been like nervous

and excited about something at the same time?

I guess. Uh...

when I go into haunted houses at Halloween.

Oh, my God, you really are a dork.

Okay, think about this like that.

You can be scared and excited about this next step.

And I'm gonna help.

Best stuff for female pleasure is behind the curtain.

[Santa Monica] [in spooky voice] Ooh. Female pleasure.

[high-pitched ringing]

[Santa Monica laughs menacingly]

[ghostly echoing voice] Welcome, Abby.

Enter, if you dare.

We've been waiting for you to cum.

[spooky laughter]

- Okay, I'm actually scared. - [chuckles]

No, we got this.

- ♪ Heart of stone ♪ - ♪ Stone ♪

- ♪ I feel... ♪ - [both shudder]

[♪ music distorting]

[chainsaws whirring sound]

- [screaming] - Oh, my God!

- [both screaming] - [vibrators revving loudly]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

[both panting]

Wait. We're in my house.

Yeah, no shit.

[♪ eerie music playing]

[person shrieking]

[shrieking, moaning]

Cute vibe.

[ghostly moaning]

[♪ eerie music continues]

- [chimes] - [both gasp]

Oh, not Lola's china!

Come on, just pick one and let's go.

Um...

Hmm?

- That's good. - Okay.

I prefer the rabbit.

- [both screaming] - Oh, my God!

No! Go, go, go.

Abigail, what have you done?!

My walls!

- [thunder crashing] - My beautiful walls!

Mom? What is she talking about?

Female ejaculation!

[distorted ominously] Everywhere!

[wailing]

[Abby] I swear I didn't do it!

I didn't! I-- I didn't even know that females could do that!

Oh, Abby.

Go to your room!

This is my room.

[both screaming] Now!

[Abby/Santa Monica screaming]

[yelling] You jizzed on your dad!

Okay, I'm done, I don't wanna do this anymore.

- It's not fun scary. - Go, go.

- [♪ dark dramatic music playing] - [groaning]

[chains rattling]

[Santa Monica] Help!

Help! I'm caught!

Ah!

- Come on! - Okay!

[both grunting]

[zombies snarling]

[Abby] What the fuck?

[low growling]

- [Abby/Santa Monica screaming] - Oh, God!

- Sixty-four dollars! - What?!

[calmly] Sixty-four dollars.

- [card reader dings] - Fun, right?

[printer whirring]

[♪ "Heart of Stone" continues softly playing]

- [paper ripping] - [register beeping]

[softly] Goddammit.

- Okay, barf. - [cell phone chimes]

This looks like a toilet became a sweater.

Ew.

[sighs] Oh, my God.

This is, like, covered in dog hair,

so that's not gonna work.

Jesus.

How do you have zero fuck-me clothes?

What? No, this one's nice.

I got it from the Gap.

Okay, well no one's gonna wanna touch your gap wearing that.

[sighs] Alright, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think we have to raid your mom's closet.

Question, where did you go in the Love Hut?

What do you mean?

[Santa Monica] You were, like, checked out as shit.

Um... I mean...

sometimes I have fantasies.

Ooh, kinky. I love it.

[scoffs] Not, like, sexual.

More like, um...

I get nervous and my brain goes places

that make everything seem wonderful and perfect.

Except for this one. This one was off the rails.

[Santa Monica] I'm no therapist,

but I do, like, listen to bald guys with boners

talk about their wives for a living.

But it sounds to me like maybe you're protecting yourself.

[Abby] I guess.

It kinda sucks though

'cause then I miss what's actually happening.

Well, maybe if you were more confident in your reality,

you'd stop fantasizing, right?

In the meantime, I don't know, pinch your thigh

when you go to "too good to be true" land.

That's a good tip.

Ooh! Okay, suit.

Okay, wait, this is kinda chic.

You look like someone named Judy.

[hoarsely] Hi, I'm Judy, and I'm taking away your kids

'cause you have a pill problem.

[both chuckle]

Oh, you should wear that to your reunion.

Yeah, I'm not going to that.

How come? You should.

If I were as cool as you, I'd totally go.

Dork.

Okay, there's no way around this.

These clothes are ass and mine are amazing.

So I think you need to borrow some of mine for that party on Saturday.

There was definitely a nicer way of saying that.

Bye.

Hey.

[vibrator buzzing]

Buzz off.

Stupid.

[Abby chuckles]

[knock on door]

You're really killing my vi...

[buzzing continues]

- [buzzing stops] - Hi.

Uh, I'm Lily Rose.

Your mom told me to drop by.

Of course you are.

Do come in.

[birds chirping]

I'm okay.

[puzzle pieces rattling]

[chuckles]

♪ So I heard the bad news ♪

[♪ "Number One Fan" by MUNA playing]

- ♪ Nobody likes me ♪ - [cheering]

♪ And I'm gonna die alone in my bedroom ♪

- Word! - Yes, bitch.

♪ Lookin' at strangers on my telephone ♪

- ♪ Well, what do you know ♪ - [laughing]

What's happening?

♪ Wouldn't you like if I believed those words? ♪

♪ If I'm born to lose ♪

You know we're not supposed to be in here after hours?

[gasps] Oh, my God.

♪ Myself in the mirror ♪

- ♪ Saying don't leave me now... ♪ - [whistle blows]

Do guys fake it?

Not with me-- or ever, probably.

What do you do with the balls?

Treat 'em like a bug bite.

You know it's there but you try and ignore it.

Is the G-spot real?

Oh, yeah.

Hook in and you'll find it.

[chuckling] Nice. Is the H-spot real?

Absolutely not, you made that up.

How do you eat with the mask on?

- [♪ music stops] - [Bernie] There's a hole under the snout.

- [♪ "Number One Fan" resumes playing] - [onlookers cheering]

♪

[Abby laughing]

[Santa Monica] DJ Don! DJ Don!

♪ So, here's the bad news ♪

♪ I'm coming for everyone ♪

♪ And coming on strong... ♪

Hi, Max.

[grunting]

Any questions?

- No, I think I got it. - Okay.

Now be careful.

He's rock hard.

- [both] Ohh! - [head clattering]

Yeah, don't do that to Max.

♪

Hey, does this feel like the right spot?

[Abby] Uh, lower. A little to the left.

- Yeah, it feels good. - [Max Warren] Cool.

Wait, are we watching a movie?

No, I don't have time to watch a whole movie with you.

But I have to watch it?

Risky Business was my sexual awakening.

I mean, come on, Tom Cruise and the men's button-down

and the tighty-whities and socks?

Wait, where were his pants?

Who gives a shit?

"Who gives a shit."

[teacher] Hey, you can't be in here!

Alright, rule of thumb, if you're a good dancer,

- you're good in bed. - [all] Amen.

Trust me, I'm a great dancer.

I-I'm just not into dancing in public.

- Do the "Macarena." - It's a safe space.

- [Destiny] Yeah. - Come on,

who made up that stupid rule anyway?

The same person that said,

"You know what a woman's bush looks like

by the way she takes care of her nails."

- [Angel] That is true. - [DJ Don] Preach.

- [Destiny] Ooh. - Oh, you got...

- You got a little girl... - Let me see that.

Oh, no! Get away from me. Get away from me!

Abby, just to be clear, pubes friggin' rule, girl.

- No. No, no, no! - Let me see those nails!

- [overlapping yelling] - My girls.

[♪ "Number One Fan" continues playing]

- [wax ripping] - Ow!

What the fuck?!

♪ So iconic, like big, like stan, like ♪

♪ I would give my life just to hold your hand ♪

♪ I'm your number one fan ♪

♪ I'm your number one, number one fan ♪

♪ Oh, my God, like, I'm your number one fan ♪

- Hi. - Hey.

♪ So iconic, like big, like stan, like ♪

♪ I would give my life ♪

- ♪ Just to hold your hand ♪ - [high-pitched ringing]

[music tempo slowing] ♪ I'm your number one fan ♪

[song distorting] ♪ I'm your number one, number one fan ♪

♪ Oh, my God, like, I'm your number one ♪

[music tempo speeds up] ♪ Number one fan ♪

Hmm.

[♪ song playing at normal tempo]

♪

♪ Number one, number one ♪

- [school bell ringing] - [students chattering]

1-800-Damn!

- Okay, little skirt moment. - [Abby chuckles]

Is that why you called me over here?

Um, I just thought we should celebrate.

- [garage door whirring] - What?

You've had this the whole time?!

[Abby] Um, well, yeah.

Girl, let's fuckin' party.

Oh, I thought we could just drive the car.

Yeah, that's... that's what I meant.

Oh, cool.

[♪ "Santa Ana" by Pop Noir playing]

[Santa Monica] Hey, check this out.

Sixty-nine!

[both screaming]

- [Abby screaming] - [Santa Monica laughs]

[♪ "Santa Ana" continues playing]

[inaudible]

- No! - [engine shuts off]

You were cool for, like, 15 whole seconds.

Wild Wild Dead is coming out today.

They're doing a physical release before it comes out online.

[Abby groans]

[people chattering]

Come on.

- [unenthusiastically] No. - [Abby] Yes, come on.

No.

Come on.

- Ugh. - Oh, my God.

- Two hours for a fucking video game? - [Abby] Come on, we're almost there.

[cashier] Next zombie.

No wonder you didn't know anything about sex.

Look at the crowd you run in.

What were you like in high school?

Pretty.

And?

And really pretty.

Super attractive, gorgeous, hot.

Girls hated me, guys jacked off to me.

So, I didn't really hang out with anyone.

You were a loner?

Like me.

Well, a little different.

- How so? - [cashier] Next zombie.

Would you like a free Wild Wild Dead zombie costume?

- Yes, please. - Fuck, no. [sarcastic chuckle]

Okay, I can only give one per customer.

- Oh, I'm good, thanks. - Okay.

[cell phone buzzing]

Oh, shit. Ugh. I totally forgot.

- Thank you. - [Santa Monica sighs]

- Thanks. - Bye.

Next zombie.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, what's wrong?

I had Betty book me on any house calls that came in.

I forgot I had one tonight.

Fuck, I'm screwed.

- I can drive you. I can take you. - [cell phone chimes]

No, no.

[cell phone chimes]

You sure?

[cell phone beeps]

I got you. Get in.

- Is this it? - [Santa Monica] Yeah.

[dog barking]

I don't think you should go in there.

Okay. Well, I don't really have a choice.

Okay, look, it's clearly shady,

so just don't get outta the car, okay?

- It's, it's real creep-- - Don't worry.

I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

[dog barking]

[♪ "Too Fast Too Soon" by Guilhem Hatt playing]

♪ We may love too soon ♪

This shit is kicking in.

- ♪ We may love too soon ♪ - Fuck it.

[crickets chirping]

[Abby] I had never had this feeling before.

[exhales sharply]

I was nervous, like I always am,

but this time, for Santa Monica.

[snorting]

[♪ "Too Fast Too Soon" continues playing]

[exhales]

Okay, don't touch me.

♪ Kinda shame ♪

[dog barking outside]

- You want some? - No.

[druggie 1] Don't give the hooker our blow.

I'm not a fucking hooker.

You're whatever we say you are.

[♪ "Too Fast Too Soon" continues playing]

[Santa Monica sighing]

Come see my room.

- Okay. Alright. - Come on.

- [Santa Monica] Fuck this! - [druggie 2] Aw, come on.

Come back.

We're just fuckin' around.

[panting]

[dog barking]

[Santa Monica] Alright, go! Go, go.

Fuck! Fuck.

Shit.

[dog continues barking]

[whispering] Abby?

Abby?

[muffled indistinct chatter]

[♪ "Perfect Day" by Lou Reed playing]

[druggie 1] We need more fucking coke.

♪ Problems are left to know ♪

♪ Weekenders all night long ♪

[whispering] Fuck!

♪ It's such fun ♪

[door slams open]

[high-pitched screaming]

[Santa Monica] Abby!

[Abby snarling, growling]

[screaming continues]

[growling]

[druggie 3] Oh, shit!

I shouldn't have taken that second pill.

- [Abby] [growls] Run! - Oh.

- [Abby] Okay, let's go. - [Santa Monica] Go, go!

That fuckin' bitch!

[♪ "Perfect Day" continues playing]

♪ Oh, it's such a perfect day ♪

♪ I'm glad I spent it with you ♪

♪ Oh, such a perfect day ♪

♪ You just keep me hangin' on ♪

♪ You just keep me hangin' on ♪

♪

[inaudible]

[tires screeching]

[Santa Monica] Fuck you!

[laughing]

I can't believe you did that for me.

- [Abby chuckles] - I mean, no one have ever--

Dressed like a zombie for you?

Don't deflect.

That was very badass what you did back there.

Thanks.

Hey, earlier you said we were celebrating.

What are we celebrating?

The loss of half of your pubic hair?

Uh, no. Um, it's my birthday.

No shit.

Dude, happy birthday.

Thanks.

- I have to pee. - It was a weird--

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[people chattering]

[Abby] Maybe it was because of Santa Monica,

but people started looking at me differently.

It felt kinda cool.

[gasps]

[group singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Abby ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

- [Santa Monica] Yay! - [cheering and applause]

Make a wish! I wonder what it is.

[♪ gentle music playing]

[Santa Monica chuckles]

Happy birthday, Abby.

[♪ gentle music continues]

Well, that was kind of fun, in, like, a weird way.

[Abby] Mm.

Oh, hey, Santi?

Um, I-- I don't wanna overstep.

I know it's your job but...

I don't know, those guys tonight were really scary.

I just don't think you should be doing that anymore.

Okay, well, thanks to you that was my last one.

Me? Why me?

I'm using the 20,000 you're paying me to buy Diamond Dolls.

Betty was gonna lose the club if we didn't raise money in time.

And... honestly it's always been my dream to own it.

Anyway, this jerk was gonna take it over.

But because if you, I get to save the club

and my work family.

You know, I wasn't gonna go to my high school reunion

'cause I hadn't done anything with my life.

But now I get to go back as a business owner.

And I'm sorry, like a fuckin' hot one at that.

What?

Sorry. Um...

You've just... never talked about your personal life.

Well, money talks. And I'm getting mine on Saturday.

Hey, tomorrow's your last day of high school.

I think it's okay to flirt a little with Max.

- Max. - Go for it.

Call me.

[♪ soft music playing]

[Abby] That night I didn't sleep at all.

I had finally started to get close to Santa Monica.

There was only one problem.

[door squeaking]

I didn't have the money.

[door slams]

I was selfish and stupid

and shouldn't have been canceling games all week.

I really thought I had more time.

I needed to focus on getting the money, and fast.

Nothing would break my concentration.

- Hey, Cherry Worms. - Hey, Max.

Oh. Hi, Max.

Uh, so I'm having some people over to my place tomorrow night.

You gonna make it?

Uh, I...

Ye-- Yes. Yes.

I am physically able to make a party.

I think I can make it.

Nice. Well, I hope you come.

Uh, great, I hope you come, too.

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there. I live there, so...

- Oh. Convenient. - [Max] Yeah, yeah.

- [Abby] Okay. - [chuckles]

- Bye. - Bye. [laughs]

[school bell ringing]

[students chattering]

[line ringing]

[Margaret] [on FaceTime] Hi, anak. How was your birthday?

Did Lily Rose stop by?

I really want you to make a friend, mahal.

Uh, I-- I don't really have time to talk right now.

I just wanted to, uh, throw an idea your way.

Oh, okay.

Um, what if no college?

[Margaret] Oh, here comes your father.

Abigail, I don't get the joke.

And we're unboxing a Squatty Potty.

Are you in some sort of trouble?

No, no, not at all.

I just, um... I wanted to, uh...

ask if there was any extra cash lying around the house for pizza.

[Margaret] Oh, there's frozen pizza in the freezer.

Eat now, okay?

Before you get hungry.

[Ron] Wave to Grandma.

- [Grandma] I'm tired. - [Margaret] Okay, okay.

- Call you back. - [call ends]

[Bernie] Ooh... Yeah, no.

My dad taught me not to loan money to anyone.

What's crazy is my dad just lost his job and now he needs a loan from me.

The irony.

Thanks anyway.

Again? I didn't even get any info.

[Bernie] Girl, I charge by appointment.

- [Abby sighs] - Come on.

[cash register dings]

[Abby] Oh, wow, uh, it looks like I lost

quite a few subscribers.

Okay, well, coming on to Glitch to give all... 38 of you

an exclusive offer.

If you donate a hundred bucks,

I'll give away private game sessions to the first 150 people.

[dinging]

Okay, I am not thirsty.

- I am just... - [computer chimes]

And they're gone.

[♪ brooding music playing]

Fuck you, wall art.

[♪ brooding music continues]

[neighbors chattering loudly]

Hello?

Santi?

Hello.

[♪ "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger playing]

♪ Just take those old records ♪

- [singing along] - ♪ Off the shelf ♪

What are you doing?

You mean what are we doing?

We're watching Risky Business.

Is this part of Risky Business?

It's the most iconic part.

- [♪ song stops] - Okay.

It's official, we're watching it.

You have no idea how long I was waiting back there.

[panting] Hours.

Okay, now these are the opening credits.

These are the actors,

but they're not gonna be playing themselves.

Just, you know... They're in the movie.

Are you just explaining what a movie is to me?

[Santa Monica] No.

[Abby] Are you gonna be talking the whole time?

Here comes the dance I was doing. [crunching]

That one.

I still don't get why he doesn't have pants on.

'Cause it's cool.

It's cool to not wear pants.

[Abby] What, so like, Winnie-the-Pooh is cool now?

[Santa Monica] Wait, I have to pause 'cause I have to pee.

- Okay. - Just kidding. [chuckles]

Oh. [chuckles]

I think it's really messed up

when your people are watching movies and then it's like,

"Oh, pause, let me go to the bathroom."

It's like, "Oh, so you just like rule the movie?"

- [shushing] - [Santa Monica chuckles]

[♪ gentle music playing]

[crunching]

What'd you think?

[yawning] Pretty good movie, right?

In terms of teenage brothel movies,

I'll give it two thumbs up.

Okay.

I have something to show you.

[sing-song] ♪ Come over here ♪

Come on.

- Oh, I'm following you. - Yeah.

Check this out.

[light clicks]

I'm renaming the club.

[neon light humming]

- [softly] Cool. - Oh.

And I bought you a little something.

[wheezing chuckle]

I don't deserve it.

I thought it would be great for tomorrow night.

- It's perfect. - [Santa Monica] Really?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Oh, um, I got you something too, but I didn't buy it.

Okay, well, it better not be like a friendship bracelet or some shit.

Don't open it yet.

Okay.

[sighs] Um...

I actually have to talk to you about something.

Wait, it's Friday.

Today was your last day of school.

- Yeah. - [Santa Monica] Uh...

Shouldn't you be out getting wasted

instead of watching '80s movies with an older--

but still younger... girl?

Um, can I ask you something?

[Abby] Yeah.

What do you think is actually gonna happen

if you get to 69 Max?

- Like after? - [Santa Monica] Yeah.

I don't know, I guess

it'd be great if he became my boyfriend.

Like... it'd be nice to have someone

to hang out with me.

Like, we'd have inside jokes

and watch movies, braid each other's hair

and we could tell each other secrets

and it wouldn't be embarrassing or anything

because we love each other unconditionally, you know?

Um...

That sounds like you want a friend.

[scoffs] What? What do you mean?

Abby, I hate to do this before your big night...

but you're not ready.

I don't understand.

I don't think you're ready to 69 Max.

I promise you, I promise you, you have time,

but for now, you're still a kid.

I am not.

[sighs] Come on, you thought rim jobs

were like boob-related foreplay.

Okay, so I didn't know some things.

I-- I didn't realize that you'd hold that against me.

I'm not. I'm-- I'm sorry, I...

I'm just trying to be honest with you.

You don't care.

All you've ever cared about was the money.

I'm never gonna hear from you again the second that you get your hands on it.

That is not true.

Let's find out, shall we?

- Wait, what do you mean? - I don't have your money!

Uh...

I-- I don't.

I-- I have what I gave you already.

I don't have your $20,000.

I'm so sorry.

You're sorry?

I have to tell Betty I don't have the money.

I have to then tell the women I work with they're out of a job,

or worse, working for a fucking psycho-pervert.

This isn't like a video game, okay?

This is my real fucking life.

I'm s--

I feel awful.

Geez. What was the plan, Abby?

I-I-I-I figured that I could get it to you over time.

I mean, do you know how much of my time you've wasted

pretending to be something you're never gonna be?

- Abby... - Well, you're one to talk.

[scoffs]

You spend all this time teaching me about confidence--

confidence that you don't even have yourself!

Hiding from your own classmate, really?

I bet-- I bet you anything that you're gonna use this

to not go to your own reunion.

You wanna bet 20-fucking-grand?

- [Abby scoffs] - 'Cause I could really use that about now.

Good luck pretending you know anything about sex tomorrow.

Oh, I'm gonna be just fine.

I'm a goddamn sex machine.

[door slams shut]

[♪ "Crocodile Tears" by Zara Elizabeth Kershaw playing]

♪ For the nights with the words in my mouth ♪

♪ Something’s underwater, moving into color ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

[cell phone chimes]

♪

[Abby] What?

No!

Ugh!

- [sighing] - [thuds]

♪ Oh... ♪

Ow! Damn it!

♪ Think that was the medicine and I felt better ♪

♪ Oh, now you're floating in my breakfast cereal... ♪

♪ So, hi ♪

♪ Hey, hello, yeah, that was a nice try ♪

♪ Coming up slowly before you bite ♪

♪ And you know ♪

♪ I forgive and forget it then you cry crocodile tears ♪

- ♪ Crocodile tears ♪ - [text pings]

Yes!

♪ Pull the blinds, when we felt like a ghost ♪

♪ Back down to the bottom, gravity gets heavy ♪

♪ Oh you, held too tight, when I needed you most ♪

♪ There's something we hold, there's something we carry ♪

♪ So hi, hey, hello, yeah. that was a nice try ♪

♪ Been coming up slowly before you bite, and you know ♪

♪ I forgive and forget it then you cry crocodile tears ♪

[people chattering]

[♪ "Party Song" by Alina Eremia and Ilkan Gunuc playing]

♪ Saturday night getting lost in slow motion ♪

♪ Under the lights ♪

♪ Where we dance to let go ♪

♪ Have one of those nights ♪

♪ Where hearts don't get broken ♪

♪ Singing party songs ♪

♪ Don't know the words ♪

♪ But we sing a long like ♪

- ♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪ - [people chattering, whooping]

♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪

♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪

♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪

♪ Free yourself tonight ♪

[banging on piano keys]

♪ Singing party songs ♪

- [laughter] - ♪ Don't know the words ♪

♪ But we sing along ♪

♪ Free your self tonight ♪

[cheering]

♪ Singing party songs ♪

♪ Don't know the words but we sing along ♪

[people chanting] Go Bernie, go! Drink! Drink! Drink!

♪ Where you wanna go tonight ♪

♪ Where the people never sleep ♪

- [group cheering] - ♪ Saturday night ♪

♪ Getting lost in slow motion ♪

♪ Under the lights ♪

♪ Where we dance to let go ♪

[people chanting] Go Bernie! Go Bernie! Go Bernie!

♪ Where hearts don't get broken ♪

♪ Singing party songs ♪

♪ Don't know the words but we sing a long like ♪

- ♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪ - [air horn blowing]

♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪

♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪

- ♪ La-da-di, la-da-da ♪ - Hey!

♪ Saturday night ♪

♪ Getting lost in slow motion ♪

Uh, whiskey neat.

[people chattering]

[♪ slow pop music playing softly over speakers]

Hey, Monica, you came.

Robin.

You look great.

Thank you.

As usual. [chuckles]

So do you.

Your hair is really long.

Oh, thanks, it's extensions.

Well, some of it's mine, the rest is, like... horse.

[♪ slow pop music continues]

[sighs] Never mind.

Weren't you like vice president of our class or some shit?

How dare you?

- I was president, obviously, God. - Oh. Sorry.

- Sorry, Madam President. - [chuckles] Thank you.

- [sighs] Oh, my God. - What did you order?

Literally a whiskey.

The brown-- the brown one.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have hired him.

He's my neighbor's son. He's down on his luck.

I was trying to help him out.

- You know what's the saddest part? - Hm?

He still wants to be an astronaut.

So, what do you do?

I'm...

I'm a stripper at Diamond Dolls.

Oh.

Huh.

I think I might actually head out,

but it was good to see you, Robin.

Wait, you-- you didn't ask me what I do.

Okay. What do you do?

I'm a realtor...

who hasn't sold a house in three years, so...

I guess I plan high school reunions now,

which is super lame.

[chuckles]

Also, my husband's cheating on me, so that's fun.

I'm sorry, I needed that.

- Two more. - Great.

- Just-- I'll watch you while-- - And another glass.

Another. Yep.

That's what two is.

- [people whooping] - Wait, so how'd he find out?

Well, I mean, he-- he knew that something was up

when he found me measuring the levels of the liquor bottle, so...

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

[♪ pop music playing on speakers]

[loud indistinct chatter]

Uh, you look really pretty.

Thrifty?

[laughing] Yeah.

Yeah, you look like you-- really careful with your spending habits.

[shouting] It's really hard to hear you.

- Do you wanna go somewhere where we-- - Yeah.

Oh. Okay.

- [♪ pop music continues] - [loud chatter continues]

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

At least in my head, it wasn't. Like...

I was supposed to be better than you.

- [chuckles] No offense. - Please.

I had this fantasy that I was gonna show up here

and like, buy everybody a round of drinks.

Like-- like, people were gonna be impressed by that or something.

Well, you should do it. Dude, I'd be impressed.

I've only seen that, what, in, like, the movies.

Well, it's an open bar, so...

And besides, he would take forever.

Well, he's got the moon on his brain.

That's true. [chuckles]

Anyway, it's not even really my money.

It's my stupid, cheating, rich husband's money.

How do you know he's cheating?

He comes home late, like almost every night.

And he smells like vanilla.

- Mm. - And I fucking hate vanilla.

And then I ask him and he says he was working.

Like, where are you working, fucking Cinnabon?

[chuckles]

Anyway, all I'm saying is that none of us

are where we thought we would be.

Do you wanna know the weirdest part?

I'm a loser at my own reunion.

I'm not getting the club.

I'm, like, fucking broke.

[sighs] And the thing I can't stop thinking about is Abby.

Well, that's because you can still do something

about that situation.

Okay, what do you mean?

You told her that she was not ready for sex?

Sixty-nine, actually. Different.

It's not technically sex, although it's... wet.

Look, every girl has the right

to choose for themselves when they're ready.

It's their choice.

- [♪ dance music softly playing] - [people chattering]

I messed up, huh?

You may not be able to get everything right,

but you can tell a good friend when you're wrong.

Wow. Robin, you're a genius.

I can't be that smart, I married that fuckin' idiot.

Whoo!

[♪ dance music playing]

Bye. [kisses]

Bye.

[Max] Holy shit, what a setup.

Oh, yeah, it's nothing.

- [♪ distant pop music playing] - [distant party chatter]

You play Dead?

It's like my favorite game.

Really? Me too.

Sick.

[♪ muffled pop music playing]

♪

♪

- So this is your room, huh? - [Abby laughs]

Yep.

[laughing] Oh, geez.

God, these are so stupid.

♪

Wait. I can't do this.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Um, I'm-- I'm sorry, I can't.

[sighs]

I can't 69 you.

I'm sorry, I-- I want to, I do.

I just, I c-- I can't.

Sorry, did you say 69?

Yeah, I know it's your favorite position.

I just, I... I'm not ready.

I am physically ready because I studied so, so, so hard for it.

But I-- Oh, I'm just not emotionally or mentally ready.

Abby... [stammering] what are you talking about?

I've never 69'd before.

Huh?

But Bernie said you love to 69.

Bernie said?

The mascot.

Why would...

Oh, no. No, I love number 69. Jared Allen.

He played for the Minnesota Vikings.

My dad went to Idaho State with him,

so we got to go to his house once.

It was actually really dope. He has two pools. Why does--

Are you fucking kidding me? I hired a stripper to...

Never mind.

Wait, but you've been with Mercedes for like your whole life.

Yeah, Mercedes is like super into J-dawg.

Jesus.

She's saving herself for marriage.

[♪ dramatic opera music playing]

[Abby] How could I have missed it?

I'm Mercedes, I'm your girlfriend.

I guess... Abby.

[♪ dramatic opera music continues]

[sobbing]

[Abby] Mercedes was a virgin, which meant that Max...

- [♪ music stops abruptly] - You're a...

- [♪ muffled pop music playing] - [muffled party chatter]

Me too.

- Really? - [Abby chuckles]

You think I've had sex?

I don't know, I mean,

I didn't even know if you'd be into me.

[Abby scoffs]

[mouths] Oh, my God!

Wait, what were you saying about hiring a stripper?

Oh, well, she's-- she's actually my friend.

Well, she was my friend.

What happened?

I screwed up.

I owe her big and I don't really know how to repay her.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

No, I-- I don't know.

I don't know what I can do to fix this.

I lied to her.

I mean, I kinda lied to you.

[scoffs] What? What do you mean?

I knew you played Wild Wild Dead.

I follow you on Glitch. [chuckles]

What? How--

Wait, how'd you know it was me?

Well, between your username Abby-Cadaver

and this beautiful head of curls you have... [chuckles]

...it was pretty easy.

Wow.

Wow. Max Warren follows me on Glitch.

Max Guilford Warren sure does.

- Guilford? - Guilford.

But you know, I guess you could say that I'm a follower.

But like-- like, not in a way it would be weird

if we, like, kissed or anything.

- [♪ soft pop music playing] - [both chuckle]

- Oh, my God, that's it. - What?

I'm so sorry, I have to go.

[kiss smacks] Thank you.

♪

[people chattering loudly]

[shouting] Listen up!

- [chatter stops] - Who here is 18?

[air horn blows]

[people chattering]

Ugh.

Bro, I've never done LSD.

Yeah, you're sure this is good quality?

[Nurse Appleman] This shit is vintage.

Have a good trip, fellow travelers.

[Santa Monica] Hello?

Abby?

[student] I feel like it's kicking in already.

Hey, Abby.

[Nurse Appleman] Man, it doesn't work like that.

Hey, you're Max, right?

Oh, crap, you're a cop, aren't you?

What? Wait. Do I look like a cop?

Uh, yeah, I mean, you look professional and crap, so...

Okay. [sighs] Where's Abby?

She said she had to do something to get her stripper friend back or something.

She took most of the party with her.

Why didn't you go?

Uh, she only took people who are 18.

I'm 17, ma'am.

- Okay, thanks. - [Max] Yeah.

Wait, did you and her...

like... [mumbling]

Sixty-nine. Did you sixty-nine?

Oh, uh, no, no. No, ma'am.

Uh, we-- we didn't even kiss.

[sighs] Why? You're too good for her, Abercrombie & bitch?

What's wrong with you?

She's like fuckin' pretty and you're like Tanathee Chalamet.

Uh, ma'am, I promise you I am very into her, s-so, yeah...

Good boy.

She also said she wasn't ready yet.

Good girl.

And you gotta stop calling me ma'am.

I, like, just got health insurance.

[Max] Oh. [clears throat]

[sighs]

[♪ exciting music playing]

I always knew how I wanted my first sexual experience to play out.

[person clearing throat]

I'd be effortlessly cool, irresistible.

I'd have all the right moves.

And no matter how or where it happened, it would be--

I'm so bored!

[engine revving]

[♪ exciting music playing]

- [♪ gentle, inspiring music playing] - All this to say,

I screwed over my friends to get a guy.

A great, great guy.

But a guy, who turns out already likes me.

The point is, I shouldn't have lied to Santa Monica.

- Show us your boobs! - Shut the fuck up, asshole.

[DJ Don] Yeah, show us your dick, meathead.

How do you like it?

I'm a minor, so...

Then don't show us your dick.

Okay, everybody, I need your help.

I owe her a lot of money.

Twenty grand, actually.

Yeah, I know, it's a lot-- it's a lot of money.

And I just told you a lot about myself

and that was terrifying, but also weirdly liberating.

Anyway, I want to make things right.

We're still live, right?

Oh, yeah.

Um, I would like to thank, uh, Destiny, Angel, and Betty

- for helping me pull this off. - [Betty] Aw.

- [Abby] I couldn't have done this... - What?

- [Abby] ...without you, and... - Nothing.

- I don't give a shit. - Okay.

So, to all my subscribers online,

the class of 2025, and all you Diamond Dolls regulars,

I invite you to open your hearts and your wallets.

Ladies and gentlemen and high school children,

please give a warm Diamond Dolls welcome

to a young lady who is a diamond in her own right.

Someone who has blossomed in the time that we've known her--

Don, wrap it up.

Welcome Abby Flores!

[cheering and whooping]

[♪ "Old Time Rock & Roll" by Bob Seger playing]

[cheering grows louder]

♪ Just take those old records off the shelf ♪

♪ I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself ♪

Oh my God, those legs!

- ♪ Today's music ain't got the same soul ♪ - [DJ Don] Come on, Abby!

♪ I like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Don't try to take me to a disco ♪

♪ You'll never even get me out on the floor ♪

♪ In ten minutes I'll be late for the door ♪

♪ I like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

- Oh, no. - Oh, she's stuck. She's stuck.

She looks like a rotisserie chicken.

♪ That old time rock 'n' roll ♪

- [metal clangs] - [crowd] Oh!

♪ That kind of music just soothes the soul ♪

♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪

Get the fuck outta my way.

♪ With that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ Oh! Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

[microphone squeals]

♪ That kind of music just soothes the soul ♪

♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪

- Is she shooting her own titties? - ♪ With that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

♪

Yeah, girl! Dance, you freak!

[crowd cheering]

♪

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

♪ Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ That kind of music just soothes the soul ♪

- [crowd cheering] - ♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪

♪ With that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

That's bad dancing.

♪ Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ That kind of music just soothes the soul ♪

- You weird little freak! - Get 'em!

♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪

- ♪ With that old time rock 'n' roll ♪ - [crowd cheering]

♪ Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

- ♪ That kind of music ♪ - She won the night!

- ♪ Just soothes the soul ♪ - That's my girl!

♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪

- ♪ With that old time rock 'n' roll ♪ - Whoo!

♪ Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪

That's my girl.

I think I'm mad at her.

[♪ song fades out]

Sorry.

[people chattering]

Samuel Moros.

It's nice to meet you, Samuel.

- [Samuel Moros] Let me help you. [laughs] - [Abby] Please do.

What a sweet kid to do that for ya.

Yeah, she's pretty great.

Just between us, if she wants a summer job, shut it down.

Yeah, she can't dance for shit.

[scoffs] Oui, oui. That's French for "I agree."

She was atrocious.

Oh look, an uncircumcised Dick.

It's Rick!

And judging by that sad excuse of a talent show,

I'm guessing that you don't have the cash.

Well, don't worry, I am a good boss.

I really like to...

[smacking] ...take care of my girls.

[Rick chuckling]

- [patron] Oh, damn. - So do I.

You're gonna regret that, you stupid bitch.

The second I sign this paperwork, I'm gonna throw you out on your ass.

[Santa Monica] If we raised the 20 grand,

you're never stepping foot in this club again.

Alright, Abby, where are we at?

Samuel?

In-person donations, $3,187.

[crowd cheering]

Oh, and what's the number on Glitch?

Six thousand, seven hundred and twelve.

- Dude. - Yes!

[cheering continues]

- [all exclaiming] - Yes! Yes!

Oh, and, uh, 3,000 yen.

Oh!

[cheering and applause]

- Wait. No, no. That's like 20 bucks. - Oh.

- [crowd] Ohh. - [Samuel] Yeah.

Oh, wait, what about that $5,000 deposit you gave Betty?

Oh, yeah.

[crowd cheering]

Oh, and how much did we raise at the door?

I have a fear of public speaking.

- Come on, Dave. Dave.

- Dave! - Dave!

Around 800 at the door.

- [people clapping] - [Betty] That's pretty good.

So, how much is that then?

Siri, find calculator app.

[people murmuring]

Anybody know what the first one she said was?

It's not enough.

If you carry-- if you car-- if you carry the four...

Not enough.

[Angel] Shut up. If you carry the four...

Still counting? It's not enough.

[murmuring continues]

[laughing] They did it!

Twenty thousand dollars!

- [crowd cheering] - Yes!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

What?

- [cheering continues] - Really?

- What? Yes! - What? What?

- Wait, wait. - [♪ music stops]

No, they're 4,300 short.

- [patron] Oh, man. - [crowd] Aw!

For fuck's sake.

[DJ Don] What the fuck, Gary?

[crowd chattering]

- [Rick laughing] - Don't worry, Abby.

It's okay.

Well, Betty, let's go sign the paperwork in my new office.

Ladies. Arigatou.

Girls, I'm so sorry.

- I wish I could do somethin'. [whimpers] - [Rick] Chop, chop, Spaghetti.

[sighs]

- [speaker] Maybe I can help. - Oh.

Oh, where did it come from?

Robin, what are you doing here?

Well, apparently my husband frequents this place.

Isn't that right?

So, I thought he could invest in a place

he cares about so much, don't you think?

And if it helps a friend out of a bind

while spending some of his money, then it's a win-win.

- Are you serious? - Yeah, he sucks.

Plus, don't question a presidential decision.

- [Robin chuckles] - We got it!

[crowd cheering]

- [whooping] - [♪ upbeat music playing]

No, stop! Stop! Shut up!

- Shut the hell up! - [♪ music stops]

I'm done with this!

Okay, I am done with Magic Mike's awkward niece.

You're a terrible dancer!

I'm done with the Witches of Eastwick.

I'm done with... whoever the hell you are.

- I'm Robin. - [Rick] [mockingly] You're Robin?

- Yeah. - Alright, it's over!

The club is mine!

Betty, it is time to hand the club over to me, right now!

You decaying excuse of a dancer.

Don't you ever...

ever call me a dancer!

I am Betty Spaghetti, and I'm a goddamned stripper.

- [fist thumps] - [crowd] Ohh!

Spaghetti! - Ooh!

- [cheering and applause] - Yes!

Yes!

Should I have the bouncer throw him out on his ass?

Your call, boss.

[in unison] Boss lady.

- Let's go, numb nuts. - [crowd] Oh!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hey! Watch the suit, danke schoen!

[Santa Monica] Hey, Rick.

That's sign language for fuck you.

- Yeah! - [cheering and applause]

Oh, hey, hey! Next round's on me!

[crowd cheering]

If you're over 21.

[students] Oh.

[amplified] Bu-bu-bu-bummer.

- That works out in my favor. - 'Kay, just you guys, then.

[Betty] More for us. More for us.

- [Santa Monica] I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry, Abs. I...

I shouldn't have said you weren't ready.

Thanks, but you're right, I'm not.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth about the money.

Come on, you're a teenager,

and you're supposed to do stupid shit.

- I guess. - And speaking of,

how far did you get with Max?

Yeah, I think he likes me.

Well, he better.

But, uh, we kinda got interrupted before anything monumental.

You, my dear, deserve monumental.

♪ We will find you ♪

♪ Acting on your best behavior ♪

Well, I have a shitload of paperwork to do, thanks to you.

Have fun, Abby.

♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪

So, word on the street is you got some killer moves there.

I do. I'm so glad you didn't see any of it.

[Max] Oh. I guess I'll just have to use my imagination.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no. No, no. How?

Like I said, I'm a follower.

- God. [chuckles] - ♪ Most of freedom and of pleasure ♪

♪ Nothing ever lasts forever ♪

I'm gonna kiss you, Cherry Worms.

♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪

'Kay.

♪ There's a room where the light won't find you ♪

- ♪ Holding hands while-- ♪ - [Max] Ow.

Did you just pinch my leg?

Sorry, I thought it was mine.

Yeah, no, that's-- [laughing] That's fine.

♪ So glad we've almost made it ♪

♪ So sad they had to fade it ♪

♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪

♪

Then, add the, uh, uh, 3800,

plus, uh, the 6200,

and that equals $20,000.

[Abby] Bye.

[guests] Bye.

[Abby] You guys drive home safe, okay?

- 'Kay. - [Abby] 'Kay. Bye.

[Santa Monica] Okay, responsible.

- [Abby] Yeah. - [both laughing]

Thanks for getting me my first kiss.

- Thanks for saving the club. - Yeah.

Hey, we hooked each other up with exactly what we desired.

Yeah.

So, in a non-sexual way,

we kind of metaphorically 69'd.

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

Honestly, best 69 I've ever had.

- Really? - No.

Real thing's actually really hot. Or is it?

I don't know, there's a lot of stuff in your face.

[yelling] What in the hell?!

- [♪ music stops playing] - Oh, shit.

- I'm assuming those are your parents. - [Margaret] [gasping] Oh!

Who are you?!

S-- Santa Monica, ma'am.

Hey, Mrs. Flores!

Lily Rose?

[gags and retches]

[both] Ohh!

Oh, dear God.

[laughing]

You just puked.

[Ron] What have you done, Abigail?

What do you have to say for yourself?!

[birds chirping]

I made a friend.

[♪ "Seaside" by Pop Noir playing]

♪ I look out on horizons ♪

♪ Always outward from the beach ♪

♪ And you bury me in mounds of sand ♪

♪ Well does the moon rise in the East ♪

♪ So, take it quiet and take it quick ♪

♪ Or just hide amongst the sheets ♪

♪ You make me nervous, I must admit ♪

♪ That emotion is just beyond our reach ♪

♪ I visit the seaside ♪

♪ I'm standing on the beach ♪

♪ The beach, the beach, the beach ♪

♪ I'm coasting in the shallows ♪

♪ I sing when things get deep ♪

♪ So, take it quiet and take it quick ♪

♪ Or just hide amongst the sheets ♪

♪ You make me nervous, I must admit ♪

♪ That emotion is just beyond our reach ♪

♪ Undertow ♪

♪ Pulls me down and drags me deeper ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Is drownin' hard or is it peaceful? ♪

♪ So, take it quiet and take it quick ♪

♪ Or just hide amongst the sheets ♪

♪ You make me nervous, I must admit ♪

♪ That emotion is just beyond our reach ♪

♪ No, I can't stand it, I can't stand it ♪

♪ Just hide amongst the sheets ♪

♪ You make me nervous, I must admit ♪

♪ That I'll never really know why ♪

♪ I had to move so slow you're out of reach ♪

[♪ song fades out]