Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, what the

cluck is up with murr?

Something wrong with you,

buddy.

Narrator: Will Joe be caught

in the crosshairs?

She looks like

pippi longstocking!

Narrator: And which three

jokers are under the gun in

tonight's first ever permanent

punishment?

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

Today we're security guards

at nucare pharmacy.

And while we're on watch,

we're gonna have to do and say

whatever the other guys tell us

to.

And if you refuse any of it,

you lose.

You got a receipt for these?

You'll never catch me!

What's up with your Turkey

sandwich?

That's not mine.

That's my Turkey sandwich.

What's up with your Turkey

sandwich?

So, you have a Turkey

sandwich, a soup, a snapple, and

a computer on the community

thing.

The community table.

You know right now... the

look on your face just realized

that you're an

sal, this guy's not allowed in

the store until he knows the

password.

Excuse me, sir.

To go in the store today, we

need you to know the password.

The password is "nipple."

Just give clues till he gets it.

Uh, sometimes women have nice

ones.

Okay. Close. Close.

But it's actually part of the

titty.

Yes. Yeah.

Sal, get pissed this guy's

not standing up straight.

It offends you personally.

Excuse me.

Come on. Stand up straight.

You know? Yeah.

He stood up straight!

Ohh!

Sal, this guy's slouching.

Excuse me, sir.

Stand up straight.

Stand up straight?

Yeah, yeah. Thank you.

This better?

Yes.

Okay.

Sal, the next few people who

come into the store... warn them

that there is a rogue

heterosexual loose in the store.

Excuse me, sir.

I just wanted to let you know,

if you're walking around,

there's a rogue heterosexual

loose in the store.

It's a heterosexual that's gone

rogue.

He's loose in the aisles.

This woman needs to know

about the rogue heterosexual.

There is a rogue heterosexual

loose.

A heterosexual has gone rogue.

He's loose in the aisles.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, just... he can be

anywhere.

He's rogue.

Get her attention.

Psst. Psst.

It's him.

It's him.

It's her.

It's her. It's her.

Ohh. Ohh.

Joe, what would you do if

someone held up the store right

now?

I'd probably give a chop.

I would probably chop high to

the throat.

Show off the moves you'd do

to protect the store.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Hadoo!

They're all looking.

They're all looking.

Hah! Hah! Hah!

I'm a security guard.

See?

Pwah! Pwah!

Cha! Hapiyah!

Shah!

Oh, yeah. Thanks for shopping.

You're welcome.

Joe, help this lady with the

door.

Oh.

Whip the jacket off.

Hand it to her.

Go, "I can't do this anymore."

I can't do this anymore.

You're... you're in charge.

Come back in and steal

something now.

There goes security!

Q, today your name is

security guard Tony gunk.

Ah, the gunk!

Expert extraordinaire!

Tony gunk's on the case.

Gunk, the last time we put

you on a case, you destroyed

half the city!

Ah, this girl looks like

she's up to something.

Get to the bottom of it, gunk!

Come on.

Come on.

Q, you can't say, "come on"

enough.

Come on.

Come on.

We have... we have cameras.

Come on.

Knock, knock.

Come on.

I got eyeballs.

I-I know what's going on.

Come on. Eggs?

Come on. Come on!

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on!

Come on.

Q, get this guy.

Excuse me, sir.

Didn't we used to be lovers?

Didn't we, uh...

Didn't we... didn't we...

Didn't we used to...

Didn't we, uh...

Didn't we used to... Be...

Lovers?

All right, man!

Hello. Welcome to nucare.

Really doing a bang-up job

out there, murr.

Got my Fanny pack on.

He's giving you

you don't take that!

This is part of my uniform.

I wear a Fanny pack.

You don't like it?

Mutter.

Mutter under your breath.

Scalawag.

You know what's funny?

My friends call me a douche bag.

I don't know what that is.

What is a douche bag?

I actually don't know what a

douche bag is.

All: Ohhhhhh!

Murr, don't take that guff

from him.

Arrest him!

You're under arrest, sir.

You're under arrest.

You got a strong arm.

Challenge him to an

arm-wrestle.

I bet you $20 that I can beat

you in an arm-wrestle.

Start making chicken noises

and clucking like a chicken in a

circle.

That's it.

Something's fishy about

this guy.

Yeah.

Smell him.

What?

No. Just...

what the hell's

wrong with you?

Say, "I figured out what

smells in here."

I figured out what stinks in

here.

It's your

it's your

It just came out.

It just came

out!

Man! Man!

I'm gonna die!

I'm gonna die!

Oh, my god.

I never fall down!

I fell down like a sack of

Narrator: No one did the

crime, so no one's doing the

time on the loser board.

Boom!

It's time for the rematch!

Today we're going head-to-head,

tournament-style, clipping

balloons onto unsuspecting

shoppers.

We'll be taking turns

attaching balloons and trying

not to get caught.

Whoever attaches the most

amount of balloons without

getting caught moves on to the

next round.

Let's do this!

What?!

The gladiators have entered

the arena.

I'm using my belly to block

the balloon.

Look at it... no balloon,

balloon!

What an advantage.

Here we go.

Look at sal.

Oh.

Both: Ohhh!

Joe gatto on the move!

Joe got it!

Joe got it!

It's on sal!

Look at this!

Oh, this is tense.

Sal got it!

Sal got it! Go, Joe!

Oh, my god!

He's got four!

How did he do this?!

Aaaah!

Ohhhh!

Oh-ho!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Whoa!

Brilliant move, Joe.

Holy

do it, sal. Do it.

You'll be my hero!

Oh, my god!

Aah! Aaaaaaaah!

Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Whoa! Whoa!

Joe, let go!

Ohh! Ohh!

Ohhhhh!

I'm sorry.

You stopped walking.

Oh, my god!

Well done, sal.

Damn it!

Tie game, 1-1.

It's anybody's balloon game.

He's going for the

sunglasses!

Get out!

Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh, she didn't see sal.

Joe, it's your turn.

Wait.

Joe sees the opportunity.

They're coming on Monday.

Oh, Joe!

Come on, baby!

Oh, here we go.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Go, go, go!

Dude!

Ha ha! She saw you!

You got it! Boom!

What the hell?

Ready?

Yeah. Let's do it.

All right, boys.

Here we go.

Murray's up.

Here we go!

Here we go!

Hey, what's that shirt?

What is that shirt?

Oh, cool! Cool!

Both: Ohhhhhhhh!

Nice!

Defense wins games!

I always wanted to visit

Korea, though.

Killing him with

conversation.

Wow!

Do you recommend a specific

airline when flying to Korea?

It's a wash.

You're still in play.

You're still in play.

Whew!

Here we go, boys.

Ah-choo!

Ohh! It's on!

Here we go.

Is he gonna get it?

He's doing balloon to balloon.

This has never been done before!

Yeah! Ha ha ha!

He's got it! Murr's up!

Yes. Okay.

Holy

this is a real nail-biter.

Oh, my god.

Dude, you better hurry up.

She's leaving the aisle.

She's leaving the aisle.

She's gone!

It's best 2 out of 3, fellas,

so, q, you live to balloon

another day.

Yeah.

Murray's in!

And that guy is taking off!

He's taking off!

Oh, my god.

Q better move fast.

Q better move fast.

Q better move fast!

Ohhhhhh!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

He took it off!

Whoa!

A classic reversal!

That counts?!

Hold on!

Let me check the rulebook!

It's allowed!

It's a win!

That's allowed?!

We're all tied up, bitches.

All right. Here goes q.

Q's got a clip.

Ohh! Ohh!

That's one!

Both: That's good for one!

Ohhhhhhhh!

Two.

Both: Ohhhhhh!

She pointed you out!

Oh, I'm sorry.

What happened?

This guy put a balloon on you

and she caught him, so,

technically, he got caught?

Yeah!

Thanks for nothin', lady!

Well, my work here is done.

I'll see you in the championship

rounds.

This is it.

Sudden death.

Sudden death.

Let the best man win.

Oh, wait... that might be you.

Let the fattest man win.

Wait.

Well, that might be me.

Ohhhhhh!

It's on!

And the championship round has

begun!

How doesn't she know this?!

It's on her hair!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Come back!

Ohhhhhh!

Ohhhhhh!

She's got pigtails!

She looks like

pippi longstocking!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!

Aaah!

Who do you think did it?

Aaaaah!

Continue.

This is it... sudden death.

Ohh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

He didn't notice.

He's like, "I'm never wearing

this shirt again."

Ohhh.

Wow!

Oh, my god!

He's gonna notice it again.

It's so funny he's not looking

around to see who did it.

He's just like, "why does my

shirt keep doing this to me?"

Oh, man.

Now he's on the lookout, baby.

Oh, my god!

Now you're caught!

Now you're caught!

We got a game going, and I

just lost.

All around, guys, that was a

battle.

Nice work, buddy.

Well, you know you gave a

battle.

I did what I could.

Ohh! What is he doing?!

He's taking it upon himself to

do it to a stranger!

He did it! He did it!

What is that guy's name?

He's the new champion!

You're the new champion!

Coach David is the new champ!

Narrator: Q, murr, and sal

went down like lead balloons, so

it's time for a three-way

punishment.

We're at east side ink,

getting tattoos for the losers!

This is the first punishment

that is permanent.

When it's up to me, that's

where my mind goes...

Permanent punishments.

Are you gonna tell us what

tattoos we're getting first?

Yes, after you get them!

I don't like that.

You're not comforting me by

saying that.

A tattoo is a personal

thing.

It's a very... you have to

choose it.

Don't worry.

I chose it for you based on your

personalities.

I need it in a spot that's

not gonna be seen by my mom.

How 'bout national

television?

All right, fellas.

It's time to get inked.

We're gonna go right here,

right on the ham hock.

Oh

All right. Are you ready?

Is this the first time you've

gotten one sober?

Who said I'm sober?

Wow. That hurts.

I can't believe this is

happening.

Oh, man. What a nightmare.

The worst part is not knowing

what's going on me.

Can I look at this thing yet?

Look at what thing?

The tattoo.

What tattoo?

How big is this thing?!

Dude, where the did

you get that?

I'm just enjoying myself.

It's a beautiful day here.

It's a beautiful day in

east side ink.

You're a stupid ass.

You're a

are we excited?!

I'm so excited!

All right.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait. Are you ready?

Quinn, are you ready?

I just want to get it over

with.

I'm not even ready for yours!

Here we go!

Take it off!

It's so hard to pull this off!

Take it off!

"38, lives alone,

has 3 cats."

It's like a biography!

You basically got a tattoo that

brands you a loser.

I'm only gonna be 38 for

another two months!

You think that's bad?

You're up.

All right.

Let's see what we got.

This is your first tattoo

ever.

Here we go, murr.

1, 2, 3.

It's a ferret skydiving!

Come on, man!

Oh, my god.

Look. It's screaming like a

bitch, just like you did.

In case you guys missed it at

home, let's put up a

side-by-side real quick.

Aaah!

That's what Murray looks

like, right?

It's a ferret cry-diving.

I don't look like a

ferret!

All right, sal.

You're up.

Like a band-aid, buddy.

Pull it off.

3, 2, 1.

Oh, my god!

Is that Jaden Smith?!

Wow!

That's not real!

That's not real!

That's a joke!

What the does that have

to do with me?!

It's funny.

Why is mine 100 times worse

than theirs?

I don't know if it's worse.

His is bad. He's got a cat.

You!

You put will Smith's son

on my thing!

Why would you do that to me?!

I'm your best friend,

you dope!

Oh, my god!

I can't believe this!

This is gonna change our whole

friendship.

This is gonna change our whole

entire friendship from this day

forward!

Hey, Jaden Smith cannot come

between us.

He's in between us right now.

Dude, why doesn't he have Willow

and he has Jada?

Why wouldn't you just give us

all the smiths?!

How are you gonna live with

this for the rest of your life?!

If I were you, I wouldn't go

to prison.

Don't ever get arrested.

Calling all cars!

Calling all cars!

There's a white male, 6 feet

tall, 220 pounds, has a

Jaden Smith tattoo!